"-the important thing to remember is that virtually all human interaction is context-based," I explained patiently, pointing at the various diagrams and charts I'd drawn on the chalkboard which was normally covered with products and prices. Before me sat my two newest students, Sai and Torune, taking notes on scrolls as they listened intently to my words. "That means all of the rules I've been outlining aren't really rules so much asguidelines. An interaction which irritates one person could be seen as comforting to another."

Sai's hand went up. "Like nicknames, sensei?"

I nodded and pointed to him. "That's exactly correct, Sai. Nicknames are highly contextual, based largely on what your relationship is with the person in question. If you don't have a relationship to begin with, foisting a nickname on them can be seen as presumptuous or even outright insulting if you choose to emphasize a feature or personality trait they find unappealing in themselves."

The pale boy nodded. "Like your sharp penis."

I gave him a deadpan stare, but nodded. "Yes, given that I make swords for a living I understand you were referring to the common comparison between a man's armament and their penis. While you hoped for it to come across as a joke between two close friends by falsely implying that my dick is as thin and pointed as the swords I make, you were putting the cart before the horse." His brows furrowed and I elaborated. "You tried to assume the posture of already being friends before you actually were my friend. This would be similar to attempting an elemental jutsu without properly mastering shape and nature transformations."

Understanding lit up his eyes as he carefully and quickly brushed out another paragraph of notes... which really kind of missed the point, but I'll take my progress where I can get it.

"So we should default to a formal posture... that is, a more stiff and exacting set of mannerisms and word choice when interacting with someone for the first time?" Torune asked carefully.

I directed him back to the table on the chalkboard I'd drawn up. "It depends. Specifically, you should take into account where and for what purpose you are meeting someone. Also important is whether or not you're being introduced by a mutual acquaintance and what your ties with that individual might be."

Seeing hesitation in his body language, I changed things up.

"A good example of this would be a workplace introduction which then transitions to some sort of communal eating establishment." Both perked up at that and I guessed that they'd likely had to deal with such things before. "A workplace introduction, in which you are being attached to a team for a mission, necessitates a certain amount of formality, though this can vary depending on whether you're being moved onto an already-extant team or if a new shinobi is being moved onto one of which you are already a member. In the first case, the onus is on the team receiving you to set the tone for what kind of interactions they would like. If they are too formal or too relaxed for your personal taste you should be upfront and explain to them that your personal habits are in contradiction with what appears to be their normal methodology and ask for their understanding on the matter."

I took a momentary break and drank from the glass of water nearby while my students scribbled notes.

"In the latter situation, where a new member is being assigned to your team, the onus is on you to demonstrate through social cues what kind of standards for interactions is being expected. This is why ensuring your understanding of behavioral signaling is up to snuff is important, because inconsistent or contradictory signs in your social cues will confuse a newcomer to your team and will likely hamper mission-effectiveness due to perceived rudeness and an unwillingness to go to extra effort for an individual who is not in their perceived in-group."

Torune frowned. "That behavior is highly illogical. Failures of missions will harm the whole of the team, and interpersonal strife should be put aside for the sake of mutual accomplishment."

I nodded. "True, but humans are irrational at the best of times. The key to successfully manipulating group dynamics is seizing upon those irrational and illogical motivating factors and using them to bolster a course of action which is in line with what has been deemed the optimal response."

"I digress, though," I stated with another quick drink of water, "once in a less formal setting, such as an eatery, one should take in new social cues given off by the acquaintances you've been previously introduced to. In many cases things such as body language, facial expressions, tones of voice, and personal space or boundaries will change dramatically when one transitions between the workplace and a social setting. A recalibration of your own responses may be necessary to ensure continued positive social interaction."

Their brushes moved quickly and I popped out a pocket watch to confirm what I already knew. "Okay, that's our hour up for today. We won't meet tomorrow or the next day, but in the meantime I have homework for you."

I turned and quickly wrote out a few lines. 'If you know your enemy and yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.'

Setting the chalk down, I turned back to my students. "Apply this parable to social interaction and explain its practical application therein. In particular, I want you to explain what is meant by 'knowing your enemy' and 'knowing yourself' as well as identifying who or what the enemy actually is. In addition to a theoretical assessment of your understanding, I also want three field exercises outlined where you put each of these scenarios into action." I tapped the three parts of the quote.

Both socially-inept mannequins looked unsure if firm in their resolve at the assignment.

Sai frowned, but nodded as he began copying the parable. "Ah, sensei, Obito-taicho has asked that we make an assessment of your research space to better ensure your safety. How and when would you like us to go about doing so?"

I twitched at the reminder of the cellar's disappearance having been noticed and noted. In hindsight, it had been something of an overreaction to having my private space invaded, but hindsight was hindsight. "Unfortunately, while relations between yourself and Torune and I have improved, we are not at a stage where I can trust you to the implicit level I would need to in order to show you around my private research area."

Sai made a displeased face, but nodded. "I see. This is one of those moments of irrationality you mentioned earlier, isn't it? Even though we have a stated mission of ensuring your safety and wellbeing, you are presenting obstacles to fulfilling our mission directives when you should be cooperating to the fullest extent of your abilities."

It irked methat he was right, but getting angry at him for understanding the material correctly was bad social signaling, and I was trying to straighten these kids out, not warp them further. "That's correct. Trust, like many emotions, is somewhat ephemeral and hard to grasp. You won't always appreciate it in your grasp, but you will certainly notice a lack of it. Demonstrate a degree of personal loyalty and measured willingness to act for my benefit, have me reciprocate, and we should build a rapport in time which allows me to go above and beyond your expectations to help you accomplish your mission." I grinned somewhat crookedly. "Consider this a long-term project to apply what you're learning here."

Sai and, to a lesser extent, Torune nodded gravely as if I hadn't just assigned them a My Little Pony-tier friendship project.

"This concludes week two of How to Human. I'll leave you two to clean up the materials. I have a social engagement." I explained, then sighed deeply as I walked away.

Sagara, a bottle of booze in hand and a good-natured sneer on his face, watched me approach. "You're a goddamn fool sometimes, boy. Fun to watch, but a goddamn fool."

I gave my master an even look. "He hasn't insulted a customer in three days and even apologized to one he previously did. I'd call that progress."

Sagara rolled his eyes, but let me pass without further hassle.

Quickly shucking my clothes, I ran through a variety of field-bathing jutsu that was really more of a cantrip than a proper technique, but helped shed dirt and pungent odors without the need for much water. If you had good enough control, you could even augment the technique with a bit of elemental transformation to pull the necessary moisture from the surrounding air.

I was more than good enough.

Dressing in a much nicer set of clothing, I double-checked the bands around my wrists and ankles as well as the necklace-choker, belt, and rings I'd taken to wearing before filling my pockets with a few more obvious items. Finally, my new and much-improved self-defense weapon was attached to the small of my back.

I'd probably make some shinobi very nervous if they knew what I was actually carrying...

Huffing in quiet laughter, I grabbed the dessert I'd left on the counter as I headed out the door and politely pretended not to notice how Sai stepped out of the building just a few seconds after I did. Promptly proceeding to hide himself in the limited crowd around the streets, I sighed and pushed away the irritation of feeling his chakra signature following me.

Soon enough, I'd made my way towards one of several sets of low-rent apartments commonly known as 'genin dorms' around Konoha. For clanless ninja, orphans, and the occasional oddball who didn't have a better option they were usually the best choice as far as housing went.

While the term 'subsidy' wasn't in common usage, everyone knew that the village paid the lion's share of repair and maintenance costs and that the rents were far lower than they would have been otherwise.

It also gave the village something to do with the significant number of crippled-yet-functional shinobi who needed a low-intensity job overseeing the properties and keeping track of repairs and expenses.

...subsidized housing and healthcare. Don't get me wrong, they're still child soldiers, but there are definitely a few perks.

Konoha could be a staggering mess of contradictions at times.

Reaching the door I needed, I flexed my vocal cords and, in the same drawling tones and pitch, one of those very disabled ninja used two days prior when I'd just happened to overhear a conversation about a repair to part of this apartment.

I slammed a hand against the door in an imitation of his previous knock. "Part came in early and I've got time to fix it. Now or later?"

"One minute!" Tenten called back, and I could hear rustling in the apartment before the door swung open. "Now's fine, just-" Her eyes widened in surprise at seeing me.

I stepped forward to wedge my right foot against the door as my right hand grabbed at her left wrist. "You have been avoiding me for two weeks, Tenten. I talked to Guy-san and know you're leaving on a mission tomorrow that you didn't bother telling me or any of the others about. We are going to settle this before you leave." I held out a wrapped bundle. "You don't like sweet cakes, but you do like nuts, so I made a nut loaf. You are going to invite me in, we are going to sit down, have tea, and talk about what happened right now or I am going to enlist your sensei's help in forcing you to take medical leave beyond the two weeks you were given."

Tenten, whose mouth had been open to vocalize some sort of refutation to whatever I was going to say, her posture indicative of someone who wanted to run away, wilted as I battered her vocally. Finally, when I finished, a bit of defiant fire rose in her eyes and I allowed her to snap her arm out of my grip as she turned and marched deeper into her apartment. "Fine! Since you're extorting me, I guess you can come in!"

I'd take anger over the fear and sadness she'd been displaying.

"I'd have preferred not to resort to extortion." I replied pointedly as I came in and slipped off my boots for a set of slippers. "But your teacher turned me away at your hospital door and asked me to give you time, then you refused to meet up with the others for a week and a half, ran away when we crossed paths on the street twice, and jumped out the rear window when I knocked on your door two days ago."

Tenten couldn't exactly hide the full-body wince as she opened the cupboard for her teapot. She shot me a look from the corner of her eye. "What, are you surprised I didn't want to talk to you? After I let you get kidnapped when you were right next to me-"

I slammed a hand down on the table to silence her. "You were engaged with a much more experienced enemy shinobi who had infiltrated your home village, caught you off-guard and out-numbered with only a civilian friend for backup." The force of my voice edged into the multi-tonal commands of a more sinister nature, and I pulled myself back from the temptation to do something I might regret. "You did not let anything happen. The fact that it happened in spite of your best effortsisn't your fault,and I damn well taught you better than to think that way."

Tenten took a deep breath, still facing away from me, as she was leaning heavily on her counter. She was quiet for several long moments and could have either had her eyes closed or stared at a wall for all that she interacted with me.

"It doesn't feel that way, though."

The words were quiet, almost whining, but too defeated for that.

I sighed and began unwrapping the monstrosity I'd baked for the girl, which was more nut than bread by a factor of ten to one. I'd honestly say it was more like using baked flour to glue an assortment of nuts together in the shape of a loaf. Against the counter, I heard various things being moved about as she prepped to make tea.

"I really would have rather not been abducted." I forced myself to say. "I did not enjoy the experience. I have picked apart what I did in the moments before the third ninja grabbed me and tried to point out things I should have done, but the truth is that I acted as I felt I should have up to the knowledge I had at the moment. It is not my fault that happened, it is not your fault. The fault lies in those who gave the order and those who carried it out. That's it."

"It doesn't feel like it." Tenten countered, shaking her head before finally turning with a swipe of her forearm across her eyes that I didn't comment on. Sitting down, I also ignored the redness in her eyes as she did so. "I hate this." She scowled at the table between us. "I train dawn to dusk six days a week and I'm still not good enough when it matters."

"Imagine how I feel," I replied in a moment of candid irritation. "I should have been carrying enough explosive notes to level at least a quarter of Konoha, a half-dozen chakra blades, an entire book's worth of more esoteric seals, and a bunch more things I don't think there are names for yet to use against those idiots."

Tenten snorted. "You know, you're kind of a shitty civilian, Kota."

I rolled my eyes. "You know I didn't quit the academy because I couldn't hack it if I'd really tried. I quit because I never wanted to feel like you do right now, like I do right now. Because when I got dragged along with that shinobi, I had no idea if you'd be able to deal with the ones I'd left or if there was another waiting in the wings, or what."

Tenten bristled and glared at me, just a bit, rising to get the teapot as it began whistling. "You could have a bit more faith in me than that, Sensei."

"If I'm supposed to have faith in you, then that goes the other way around, too." I stated, flipping out a clean kunai from one of the seals on my ring before cutting into the bread with it.

Tenten paused, cocking her head. "I didn't think about it that way."

A cup was set before me, then filled with tea. I placed a slice of the more-nut-than-bread on her plate, then mine. Silently, we each took a bite, then a sip of our drinks. We exhaled in mutual relief as tension slowly drained from the air between us.

"Thanks." Tenten said suddenly, then moved her utensil around the slice of bread and pointed towards me. "Both for the food and for the talk."

I nodded, but refrained from making a biting comment about the effort it took to get done. "I'm told that's what friends are for."

"Friends, huh?" Tenten pursed her lips. "Has Satsuki asked you out yet?"

I raised an eyebrow at her timing, then flexed my throat to swallow the bite that had been about to get caught and choke me. She merely grinned crookedly.

"No, she hasn't." I stated. "I'm waiting for her to do it, so I can let her down easily. I don't date students."

Tenten's eyes lit up and she chewed the next bite slowly, thoughtfully. "So until she graduates the academy..." I nodded. "...then, after I get back from a mission, would you want to..." She blushed slightly and made a vague motion.

I took a drink from my tea and considered the question, then took the dive. "I actually asked Satsuki's mother the last time I was over. I was helping her cook while Satsuki ran a few errands. She had a few frank questions for me and I wanted to know a few things, too. Since you, Satsuki, and Yakumo all have crushes on me. Naruko might, but she seems to like that Sakurai guy in her class more."

Tenten blushed harder and looked away. "So..."

"Since you're the first one to bring it up, you get to go ask Satsuki and Yakumo if they'd be okay were we to start dating." Tenten blinked, frowning at the suggestion. I held up a hand. "I don't need relationship drama messing up what I'm supposed to be teaching them, and the only reason you're asking me out right now is because you know you have a time advantage over Satsuki." Tenten's look turned thoughtful as she speared another piece of nut loaf with her fork. "You three decide some arrangement and tell me how you think it should work. I'd tell them before you leave tomorrow so they have time to think about it before you get back."

"This kind of sounds like you want to end up dating all three of us," Tenten grumbled uneasily.

"Evidently, Satsuki's father has had two mistresses over the years, both with the permission of his wife. Mikoto was very forthcoming with some of the details, even said she'd taken a young man in to help around the house when Fugaku was off during the war, to keep her company. He knew about it, of course." I explained, giving her all the answer she needed.

"That's..." Tenten's face twisted slightly, then she frowned. "This is like when you said some of the stuff in the seduction class was stupid, isn't it?"

"Mature people talk about their relationships, they don't create elaborate methods of intuiting what they believe the other party wants based on awkward open-ended suggestions." I replied pointedly, and her face reddened again.

Tenten made a noncommittal hum and frowned at the crumbs on her plate.

I stood, my mission here complete. "After all, talking about it seemed to work pretty well between us." I waved my hand back and forth between us as I made to leave. "I'm glad you're doing better, regardless. If you make me go through this again the next time something happens on a mission, I'm just going to show up at one of your team's training matches and start telling embarrassing stories."

Before she could get the final word in, I was out the door.