Alright guys, here it is. The next chapter in the Derp Saga. TAKE IT, TAKE IT, AND NEVER LOOK BACK!
Hope you guys enjoy.
Question from Mushroom: My dear writer you seem to be forgetting the black knight on the top of the tower our heroes must have taken to enter the boat area and I'm fairly certain a raging storming bull in armor clanging everywhere would've at least started him off on one of those leisurely strolls they go on to casually investigate the noise if not a dead sprint to eliminate their everything also a little note on one of the previous chapters I forgot to send, Drangleic was intentionally made to be slightly easier and more accessible than lordran lordran is death everywhere dark souls 2 is a veritable cakewalk but hey its not my story.
Mushroom: Don't worry, bro. I haven't forgotten about the Black Knight at the top of the tower. I just have to do these things in moderation; I don't wanna just throw a second of black knight at the prophet when he can just barley handle one.
Warning: HOLY CRAP!
"RAAAAAH!" The prophet screamed at the black knight as he charged toward it.
His blade, coursing with electricity, slammed into the black knight's shield, making a loud clang reverberate off the walls around them. The prophet then raised his shield in anticipation of the knight's assault, but no attack ever came. So, he simply jumped backwards, then rushed the knight once more.
Kaylen's plan was simple. He would hover at the edge of the black knight's range and bait out his combos, then attack as he finishes them. But the black knight made no attempt to attack as Kaylen struck his shield again and again.
The prophet attacked him in every way he could think of. He attacked him high, he attacked him low, he attacked him sideways, he even tried to move around him and attack him from behind. But the Knight held his ground and used his shield to deflect each and every one of Kaylen's blows.
After a few minutes of this, fatigue started to set in on Kaylen's body. He was breathing heavily and finding it somewhat difficult to even lift his blade. That was when the black knight decided to make its move and suddenly charged toward him.
Kaylen had seen this attack before, back when this was just a game. It was nothing but a simple heavy slash. It was slow and easy to avoid. He'll just dodge out of the way and attack while it was vulnerable. But to Kaylen's surprise, his body was so exhausted that he seemed to be frozen on the spot.
And as if to add insult to injury, the knight's attack was not as slow and predictable as he expected it to be. Now the black knight moved with such agility and speed that for a fraction of a second, the prophet lost track of its blade.
"Shit." Kaylen said as he spotted the sword raised high in the air.
In a panic, the prophet raised his heater shield to intercept the blow. But the black knight drove the sword down with such force that, as soon as the blade came in contact with his shield, a loud cracking sound had echoed off the walls.
Kaylen jumped back, putting some distance between him and his attacker.
"What? That the best you go-"
Kaylen's words were suddenly caught in his throat as a strange feeling suddenly came from his arm. He glanced down and was shocked to discover that not only was his shield completely devastated, but now his forearm bone had ripped through skin and was now protruding through his arm.
"GAA-AAAAAAHHHHHHHH" Kaylen screamed in agony as a monumental amount of pain suddenly shot through his body.
No one moved. For the longest time no one moved. The air in the church was heavy and tense, as if anticipating the bloodshed that was soon to come.
The Balder knight stood in front of an altar with its shield raised and its rapier pointed at the intruders.
The armored boar stood at the entrance of the church, pawing the ground and grunting loudly.
Oscar and Solaire stood back-to-back. Oscar had his sword and shield primed and ready for combat. Solaire held his shield in one hand and a fully charged lightning spear in the other.
"Oscar," Solaire whispered, "On my signal, throw a firebomb at the knight and dive to the right."
"It won't do much against his shield." Oscar replied in a low voice.
"Just trust me."
As if to signal that the conversation was over, the boar and the knight suddenly charged towards the two warriors.
"NOW!" Solaire screamed.
Acting quickly, Oscar tossed his sword to the ground, retrieved the firebomb from his belt and threw it directly at the Balder knight. At that same moment, Solaire hurled the lightning spear at the armored boar.
As predicted, the bomb did nothing to the Balder knight as it stopped where it was and allowed its shield to absorb the explosion. Solaire's spear seemed to have more effect though.
As the boar was stampeding towards the two warriors, a bolt of electricity slammed into its face, blinding it for a moment.
Unfortunately for the Balder knight, a moment was all it took for Oscar and Solaire to jump out of the way of the charging boar and allow it to bury its tusk into its body.
"HAHA! One down." Solaire said as he regained his footing and readied another bolt.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
Both Oscar and Solaire turned to face the entrance of the church.
"What the hell is going on out there?" Oscar said.
"Oscar, I think we have a more pressing matter to deal with at the moment." Solaire said.
Oscar turned back just in time to see the bull throw the now dead Balder knight into a church pew and charge straight toward him.
"Crap."
"Stupid, stupid, stupid." Kaylen thought to himself as he let his sword drop to the ground and crouched to one knee to hold his now broken arm. "How could I be so goddamn stupid."
The Black knight used the simplest strategy, the main strategy that every veteran Dark Souls player should know.
Block or dodge your enemy's attacks and let them use up all their stamina, then when their bar is low and they're retreating, move in for the attack. It was so simple, and he fell for it hook, line, and sinker.
The Black knight took a step forward towards the prophet. But for Kaylen, he might as well have been sprinting towards him, because that single step caused Kaylen to quickly back away. Unlike Oscar and Solaire, Kaylen was not some incredible warrior, and as the dark reality of his situation began to sink in, his body began to tremble in fear at his impending death.
"W-What do I do?" Kaylen said in a terrified voice, "I can't beat him."
Kaylen's mind was slowly going into a panicked state. Many thoughts ran through his head, but he saw none that would save him from the Black knight.
"I could run to the church; Oscar and Solaire could protect me. No, with the state I'm in, I'd never get past the Balder knights. I could run back to the ladder under the bridge and use the bonfire. No, he's immune to the bonfire's effects. DAMMIT, THERE'S NO WAY OUT!"
Tears ran down Kaylen's face as he slowly realized that he was going to die and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Images of Anastasia sitting alone in her prison began racing through his mind.
"I was a fool to think I could save anyone."
Kaylen than watched as the Black knight began walking toward him with its shield raised. Kaylen made no attempt to run. What would be the point? He simply stood where he was and closed his eyes as tears streamed down his cheeks.
"I suppose just this once, I shall offer some assistance to you, chosen undead."
Kaylen's eyes shot open at the sudden sound of a feminine voice.
Either he was crazy or that voice sounded like it came from the back of his head.
The prophet's face suddenly shot up at the Black knight and his mind began to fill with intense, angry thoughts. The more he stared at the creature, the more outraged he became.
"You bastard." he growled at the knight as he grabbed the Zweihander from the ground and stood on his two feet. "You think this is over?"
The prophet's body was practically seething with rage. Where did this power come from? Who was offering him assistance? The prophet didn't know, and he didn't care. Right now, his mind was screaming for him to give himself over to these new impulses, and that's exactly what he did.
"THIS ISN'T FUCKING OVER!"
Suddenly, Kaylen's body erupted into a blazing flame. He gritted his teeth together until he was sure they would shatter. The black knight quickly raised its shield and took a few steps away from the prophet.
Something's wrong.
"I am not gonna lose to you." The prophet said in a voice laced with hate. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"
The prophet felt himself slipping. This rage, this anger was consuming his mind. It needed to be unleashed.
"RAAAAAAAAH!" The Prophet screamed as he let himself go and charged toward the black knight.
CRASH!
Oscar had dived out of the way just before the boar ran its tusk straight through him, causing it to run straight into the wall. The duo's luck seemed to continue as the beast was now stuck inside the wall. If not for the fact that the beast could free itself at any second, the two might have even laughed at the position it was now in.
It was then that Solaire saw its weak spot. Its behind wasn't armored.
Wasting no time, he threw his lightning spear at the beast's rear end.
The beast screamed in pain as wave of electricity streamed through its body. Oscar quickly caught on, retrieved his sword from the ground, ran up to the beast, and thrust his blade into it multiple times.
The boar's screams were deafening as Oscar stabbed it again and again. Solaire could only imagine the hellish pain that the creature must have been going through. After a few moments of this, the beast's screams suddenly went silent as its body slumped to the ground and it evaporated into souls.
Oscar and Solaire both then flopped to the ground, mentally and physically exhausted.
"Glad the prophet took his sweet time getting here." Oscar said in between huffs. "I bet he's sitting right at the front gate waiting for us to-"
"RAAAAAAAAAH!"
Oscar and Solaire suddenly jumped off the ground and looked toward the entrance of the church.
They both then got up from the ground and jogged to the entrance and were hit with an unexpected sight.
Kaylen was on fire and screaming like some rabid dog, and he was beating back a black knight.
This sight left Oscar with only three words to come to his mind.
"What the hell?"
Clang Clang Clang
"DIE!" Kaylen screamed as his sword continuously struck the black knight's shield.
The black knight was doing the same thing it was doing the first time Kaylen attacked it, holding its ground and letting its shield take the barrage.
After a few minutes of this, the prophet suddenly jumped back again. His breathing was heavy, but was by no means finished.
Kaylen could feel his body screaming for him to stop. The flames that covered his body were slowly incinerating his flesh, not to mention the pain from his broken arm.
He had to end this quickly.
"Come on, THINK," Kaylen thought to himself. "Everyone has a weakness in this game."
Then, as if a light bulb suddenly clicked in his mind, he knew what he was doing wrong.
He was still thinking of this as a game. Quickly, he began formulating a plan of attack.
"Okay, he's not going to attack until I'm too exhausted, and he has an impregnable defense. The key is getting past that shield. But how? Any attack he sees coming his way he's going to block-"
Kaylen's eyes suddenly widened.
"Oh my god! Why didn't I think of that sooner?" He said as if the answer was staring him the face all this time.
He then focused all the energy he could muster into his broken hand and created a fireball. Ignoring the pain of lifting his arm, he heaved the fireball towards the black knight. But instead of hitting the knight's waiting shield, Kaylen aimed towards the ground right in front of him.
When the fireball exploded, it shattered the concrete floor and created a thick cloud of grey dust.
"NOW!"
Kaylen charged at the waiting knight, but he did not go for an overhead swing or a barrage of strikes. This time, Kaylen swung low, towards the black knight's feet.
The black knight remained completely silent as Kaylen's blade cut through one of its greaves, forcing it to fall to one knee.
Using the momentum from the swing, Kaylen did a complete 360° turn and raised his blade over his head for an overhead slash.
The black knight was too off-balance to raise its shield to defend itself. As the prophet's blade came crashing down, it tried to raise its sword to block the strike.
With all the strength and rage he could gather, Kaylen slammed the sword down and cut through the knight's shoulder, severing one of its arms. This time, the black knight let loose an ear-piercing scream as its arm was separated from its body.
But Kaylen cut those screams short as he pulled his sword back and thrust his blade straight through the black knight's chest.
An eternity of silence had passed before the Knight's body erupted into souls and filled the prophet's body.
Immediately, all the energy seemed to fly out of Kaylen's body. The flames that engulfed his body slowly began to die down and fade away, leaving his body weak and his skin burned. As this wave of fatigue hit his body, the prophet jammed his sword into the ground and used it to support his body.
"Heh… heh heh…" Kaylen laughed weakly through tired breaths. "Guess it's not so easy to defend against something ya can't see."
"YOU DID IT!" Oscar suddenly screamed from the church.
"HAHA, YES!" Solaire said.
Kaylen could have chosen to say anything at this moment. He could have cheered with his companions; he could have simply raised his fist in victory and said nothing. Instead he chose to say this:
"YOU COMPLETE DICKS, HOW LONG WERE YOU STANDING THERE?!"
"Um, right around the time you got covered in fire." Solaire said.
"Un-freaking-believable." Kaylen said clearly pissed. "Why didn't you come help-"
Thump
"Oh, no" Oscar said.
"That's impossible." Solaire said.
Even though they were standing a little further away at the churches entrance, Kaylen heard both of their comments and after heaving a heavy sigh, he spoke.
"I don't think I want to turn around to see what made that sound."
Since he couldn't just ignore the sound and pretend he didn't hear it, Kaylen turned his head slowly toward the archway and as soon as he saw what was standing there, Kaylen's eyes went wide with disbelief.
"You've got to be kidding me." Kaylen said.
Standing in front of the archway was yet another black knight. The only difference was that this one wielded a greatsword.
The prophet knew that this black knight came from the tower right before the armored boar's area.
"But… we didn't go in the tower." Kaylen said sound as if he was pleading to mystic force. "How was he aggroed?"
The prophet racked his mind trying to figure out what the hell could have possibly provoked the sentry black knight. He thought back to the moment they entered the area, but nothing even came close to provoking it. Then, like a ton of bricks, it hit him.
"No freaking way." Kaylen said, "The black knight's scream?"
That's the only thing that made sense. The knight appeared immediately after he killed the other one. He could be wrong, but right then it didn't matter what brought it here; what mattered was that it was there at that moment.
"Um, guys… a little help." Kaylen said.
Oscar and Solaire ran towards the lever to open the gate, but to their surprise, the lever refused to budge. They both grunted in frustration as they both tried to pull it at the same time.
"I-It's stuck." Solaire growled as he continued pulling.
At that moment, the prophet should have been in a complete panic. His body should have been shaking with fear. But instead of all that, he simply smiled.
"I'd bet my life that whoever gave me that little power boost earlier is probably the one stopping Oscar and Solaire from coming to help." Kaylen said to himself in a low voice. "There's only one person with the power to piss me off this bad... DAAAAMN YOOOU, SMOOOOOUGH."
Meanwhile in Anor Londo
"Hey Smough," Ornstein said, "You ever feel like someone's cursing your name."
After thinking about it for a second, the executioner spoke.
"Actually, yes. I'm getting that feeling right now."
Back at the Undead Parish
After taking a moment to enjoy his joke, the prophet pulled the Zweihander from the ground and hefted it onto his shoulder. He could barely stand, let alone fight, so this time there would be no barrage of blows, no mysterious power boost. Kaylen only had one attack left in him.
"Oscar… Solaire…" Kaylen said without turning to face his friends. "I leave the rest to you."
Oscar and Solaire stopped what they were doing and ran towards the gate, as if they meant to force it open.
"NO, PROPHET!" Solaire said.
"STOP!" Oscar screamed.
A small grin spread across Kaylen's face.
"Alright then," he said to the knight "I'm not going to hell alone… I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME!"
Kaylen charged towards the black knight and used the last of his strength to send the Zweihander crashing upon him.
CLANG.
In a flash, the black knight had raised its shield and knocked the prophet's blade to the side.
SHLICK
"PROPHET!" Solaire and Oscar screamed in unison as they watch as the black knight thrust its sword through Kaylen's ribcage.
As his sword dropped to the ground, Kaylen was drowning in his own blood, his vision was beginning to blacken, and his body was starting to become unresponsive. The only thing that was keeping him alive was his plan.
Kaylen's hand suddenly shot up and grabbed the black knight's wrist. He then lifted his head and stared the knight directly into the black abyss that was its face and spoke his dying words.
"Drop dead."
Kaylen then grabbed a black firebomb from his belt and slammed it directly into the side of the black knight's head.
KA-BOOOOM
The violent explosion sent Kaylen and the black knight's bodies flying in opposite directions.
Solaire grunted in anger at the scene he was forced to allow happen and ran back to the lever at the side of the gate.
"O-PEN!" He said in anger as he pulled at the lever as hard as he could expected some resistance.
But to his surprise, the lever easily pulled in his direction and snapped loose. Oscar and Solaire looked at each other in confusion as the gate, which had refused to open only moments ago, lifted itself off the ground.
Not wondering why the gate suddenly opened so easily, the two warriors sprinted to Kaylen's unmoving body. Oscar was the first to reach him. Kaylen's body was damaged beyond repair. Half of his face was completely blown off leaving part of his skull clearly visible, there was a gaping hole in the center of his chest, and the tattered clothing that he wore was in shambles.
"Prophet… you damn fool." Oscar said mourning the loss of his friend.
"Dammit" Solaire cursed.
Solaire then turned towards the black knight's limp body and charged a lightning spear, as if daring the black knight to rise from the ground, but the knight did nothing. Its head was turned in an unnaturally sharp position, clearly broken.
"Come on." Oscar said while turning away from Kaylen's corpse and walking back toward the gate.
"Where are you going?" Solaire said with slight anger in his voice. "We can't just leave him like this."
"There's nothing we can do for him now." Oscar replied without turning to face Solaire. "Carrying his corpse with us won't change anything."
"But…"
"He would want us to push forward and finish this." Oscar said. "Now let's go."
Oscar continued walking back towards the church and, after glancing at Kaylen's corpse once more, Solaire followed him.
At that moment, Oscar was glad that his helmet concealed his face. Solaire would surely be disappointed if he saw that he was just barely holding back tears.
Undead Burg
"WAHAHUA!"
A lone figure suddenly awoke in a tower with a broken wall and a bonfire in the middle of it. He looked to his left then looked to his right before he realized where he was.
"Holy crap, did I just die?" the figure said. "Aw man, I gave heroic last words and everything."
The figure then took a heavy sigh before continuing his conversation with himself.
"I took the black knights down, so those guys should be fine without me for a while. Not that many powerful things in the undead parish except-" the figure suddenly stop his train of thought "Aw, crap. Lautrec I forgot about."
Who is this lone figure? (Everyone should know the answer to that.)
Who is Lautrec? (Answer: He's an asshole.)
And what will happen when he clashes with Oscar and Solaire? (Now that's a good question.)
Find out next time on Dark Souls: The Derp Chronicles.
There you go guys, hope you enjoyed Kaylen's violent and explosive death.
Fair warning for everyone, In the next chapter, shit is going to hit the fan. I'm not going to give anything away, but lets me just say that one of the Dark Souls fan-favorites is going to die and stay dead.
BRING ON THE COMMENTS.
*Special thanks to Antoine for beta-reading