Hey guys, I'm back to pleasure your looking balls with another chapter of the Derp saga. Sorry this took like a month to complete guys; I've been super-busy with schoolwork lately and haven't had much time to work on the story.
Warning: This chapter contains surprise team-ups and gargoyles getting PWNED. You have been warned.
"DIE!" The Merchant screamed as he charged to Lautrec with his sword drawn.
He had to make this quick. He was totally outnumbered, but since he managed to get the jump on them, the situation was in his favor. If he could just land a fatal strike on Lautrec, he was sure that he would have little trouble losing the other two in Undead Burg.
Unfortunately, the golden knight was much faster than the merchant anticipated. In a single moment, Lautrec had managed to dodge the merchant's attack and simultaneously draw two shotels. The merchant hurriedly sidestepped, barely avoiding his counter attack. Lautrec whirled on him immediately, having anticipated his movement, and the merchant only just managed to leap back from his next attack, a slash aimed at his stomach. The merchant silently cursed at himself for blowing his best chance to assassinate Lautrec.
"What have you done this time, Lautrec?" the pike warrior said with irritation. "Who is this man?"
"Just another worm trying to kill me." Lautrec said before turning back towards the merchant. "Let me guess. You're here to avenge your friend or something of the sort, right?"
The way that the two just ignored their sorcerer friend as he clutched his face in agony threw the merchant off a bit, but he refused to let it show on his face as he responded.
"No, I'm simply here to repay a debt." The merchant said "I cannot allow you kill the Fire Keeper."
Though no one could see it, Lautrec raised an eyebrow in surprise at the merchant's response.
"And how did you know that we're here for the Fire Keeper?" Lautrec asked.
"That's none of your business." the merchant responded.
"It does not matter how he knows; it would be best if we killed him now and be done with it." the pike warrior said.
"Would you stop and think for a second, you idiot?" Lautrec said, "He said that he was sent here to repay a debt. That means that there is probably someone out there who knows of our mission, or at least knows enough to send someone to protect a Fire Keeper."
"Then what do you think we should do with him?" the warrior said with a touch of irritation at Lautrec's comment.
As Lautrec contemplated what to do for a moment, the sorcerer, with one hand placed on the burned side of his face, had raised himself from the ground and used his catalyst to support his body.
"I think we should capture and torture him until he tells us everything." the sorcerer said, clearly pissed about the firebomb being thrown at him.
At that, the three murderers readied their weapons. With their intent clear, the merchant pulled yet another firebomb from his ragged clothing and raised his blade. Lautrec looked at his allies then back at the merchant, and let out a small chuckle.
"I don't suppose you would consider coming along quietly?" Lautrec said.
"And why would I consider that?" the merchant replied.
"The Fire Keeper must die. The time of her gods and their age of sunlight has passed. She has served her purpose and now must be dealt with, but we have no reason to kill you at all and there is no chance of you killing any of us alone. So how about this, if you simply tell us what we want to know, we will spare your life."
If it had been anyone else, the merchant would have jumped at the opportunity of not having to fight, but these guys had the stink of treachery written all over them and, based on what that boy said, this man is supposed to be a murdering sociopath. The merchant knew that even if he did tell them what they wanted to know, they had no intention of letting him go. Plus, even if they did let him go, that boy would certainly hunt him down for letting the woman die.
"You can forget it. I won't be telling you a damn thing." The merchant said as he readied himself. "Now I'm not here to chit chat, so if you're going to attack, then ATTACK!"
He silently hoped that he would be able to get to Lautrec quickly. Though he had some skill with a blade, the merchant was just a simple trader. Against these three, his chances of survival were slim at best.
"As you wish." the warrior said as he charged towards the undead merchant with his shield raised.
The merchant was about to throw his firebomb directly at the warrior feet and then proceed to counter attack. But before he could, the man who sat silently on top of the log suddenly sprang from his sitting position and charged directly into the warrior's path.
Not expecting the man's sudden intervention, the pike warrior panicked and clumsily thrust his spear towards him, which the silent warrior easily sidestepped. As the spear went past him, the silent warrior fluidly brought his sword high in the air and attempted to end the pike warrior's life with one slash to his head.
But before the strike could connect, the pike warrior performed a quick back step, completely evading the attack and returning to his position beside Lautrec and the burned sorcerer.
"You lousy rats have some nerve." the silent warrior said in a low voice.
For a moment everyone, including the undead merchant, was dumbstruck by this knight's sudden intervention. Lautrec was the first to compose himself and the first to speak.
"And just who might you be?" Lautrec said.
As he answered, the knight stared at Lautrec with eyes filled with despair and misery.
"I am just a crestfallen knight. Nothing more, nothing less. But that doesn't matter." The warrior said in a dark and somber tone. "What matters is what you bastards plan to do here."
With an air of authority and power surrounding him, it was obvious to everyone that this man was a veteran of battle. The cold and emotionless way that he spoke somewhat unnerved the pike warrior and the sorcerer. The only one who managed to keep his calm was Lautrec.
"You see, I have grown quiet fond of this bonfire," The crestfallen warrior continued, "and I will not allow anyone to take it from me."
"And how exactly do you plan to stop us?" Lautrec said "We still have you completely outnumbered."
That fact helped the sorcerer and the pike warrior regain their confidence. Even if the crestfallen warrior was strong and even if the merchant helped him, there was no way that they could take on the three of them together.
"You damn fools…" A voice said suddenly.
Lautrec and his companions turned around to face the owner.
Standing behind them was what appeared to be a very large man wearing armor that Lautrec recognized as the armor that was worn by the warrior clerics of the Way of White. In one of his hands he wielded a medium sized metal shield, and in the other he wielded a morning star.
"The time of the gods and the age of sunlight is over? Are you heretics or are you just plain hollows?" the man said, "It matters not, for you three shall not escape. I, Petrus of Thorolund, will see to it that you offend the gods no longer."
The three warriors all looked back and forth between the undead merchant, the crestfallen warrior, and Petrus. Lautrec gritted his teeth in anger as he realized that they were now completely surrounded.
The undead merchant looked at the two men who had just become his allies and could not help but laugh.
"Heh heh heh, it seems the odds just turned in my favor." the merchant chuckled.
Undead Parish
The prophet had finally made it back to the undead parish. He smiled when he saw that the armored boar was no longer present and the gate was still open. He made short work of the few hollows in the area. Quickly cutting down the three that were at ground level and then, using his shield to defend against their arrows, proceeded to kill the hollows that were at the top of the platform. He then made his way back down and walk towards the parish.
Before he proceeded to go inside the parish, the prophet stopped and looted the body of a dead hollow that was lying on top of the stairs, until he found a small rusty key.
"Ah, the basement key." Kaylen said as he examined the key. "Now this brings back memories."
Opens the narrow passage leading below
at the far face of the great bridge in
the Undead Burg.
The lower Undead Burg is a treacherous place.
Do not turn your back on the wily thieves, or
the wild dogs who serve the Capra Demon.
Like any Dark Souls veteran, Kaylen clearly remembers the first time that he visited the lower undead burg. Being rushed by attack dogs, undead assassins suddenly bursting from inside buildings with their weapons drawn, having to face off against the Capra demon. Just thinking about it sent waves of nostalgia up Kaylen spine.
Kaylen then contemplated if it was even worth it to fight the Capra demon. The only real reason he was taking the key to the lower burg was to rescue Griggs, but fighting the Capra demon would only earn him the key to the Depths, which was supposed to take him to Blighttown, but Kaylen could easily take the shortcut under Firelink Shrine and avoid the trouble of dealing with ghouls and infested barbarians. But then again, there was some pretty notable loot in the Depths if you knew where to look.
The prophet would love nothing more than to get his hands on the Ring of the Evil Eye, which supposedly contains the soul of a beast that once assaulted Astora, and the Large Ember, which would help him ascend his weapon, would be a nice grab too.
"What am I doing?" Kaylen said shaking his head. "This is no time to contemplate loot."
He then made his way into the Undead Parish. Once inside, Kaylen looked around and observed the pieces of broken pews that were strewn all across the room.
"Guess that boar put up one hell of a fight." Kaylen said to himself.
The prophet then approached the altar that was placed on the opposite end of the room, where a body was wrapped and placed on top. The body seemed to glow faintly with a golden aura. Anyone else would have just presumed that the body was sacred and should be left alone, but Kaylen knew what the glowing really meant.
"A fire keeper's soul." Kaylen said "I wonder why a rare item like this is just sitting here for anyone to take."
Kaylen then extended his hand and focused his mind. After a moment had passed, the bright glow that emanated from the corpse condensed into ball and flew into the prophet's outstretched hand.
The prophet took a moment to examine the item.
Soul of a long-lost Fire Keeper.
Each Fire Keeper is a corporeal manifestation
of her bonfire, and a draw for the humanity
which is offered to her. Her soul is gnawed
by infinite humanity, and can boost the power
of precious Estus Flasks. Reinforced Estus
Flasks capture denser Estus, allowing for
increased restoration of HP.
"RAAAAAAAAHHHHH"
Suddenly a booming roar filled the inside of the church and Kaylen's ears, causing him to look up towards the ceiling and frown.
"Dammit, guys." Kaylen said in a low voice.
The prophet knew by the sound of the bestial roar that Oscar and Solaire had triggered the bell gargoyles.
After quickly thinking of what to do, the prophet proceeded to turn in the opposite direction of the stairs and run towards the entrance that led outside, but Kaylen was not running away. In fact, he wanted to go charging up the stairs and help Oscar and Solaire immediately, but considering that, when this was a game, the bell gargoyles scaled to be more powerful the more people he brings in there, he thought it would be better to have another heavy hitter on his side.
Ignoring the hollows, Kaylen sprinted across a long wooden bridge.
At the other end of the bridge was a much older looking church, long abandoned by the parish. Inside the building were mildew covered walls and a crumbling altar. Kaylen heard the familiar sounds of a hammer hitting steel clearly below him, letting him know that Andre was doing what he does best, but Kaylen paid no heed to his surroundings or the sounds that he heard below as he made his way through the crumbling church and along another long wooden bridge, where a large gate was blocking anyone from proceeding any further. Kaylen knew that, at the other end of this bridge, a certain onion knight was sleeping on his current problem.
"Time to wake up the big guy." Kaylen said as he approached the gate.
Just as Kaylen thought, a large man was sitting in front of the gate with his head lowered. Clearly, he was asleep.
"Hey," Kaylen said as he lightly shook the knight's body. "Wake up."
The knight slowly raised his head and awoke from his slumber.
"Mmm… mmm… Mm! Oh-hoh! Forgive me… I was absorbed in thought." the knight said "I am Sie-"
"I'm sorry, but there's no time for introductions." Kaylen said, "Right now, my friends are fighting a monster on the roof of the church down the way. I need you to come with me so that we can assist them."
The was a long pause before Siegmeyer got up from where he was sitting and hefted an incredibly large blade onto his shoulder.
"Let's go." Siegmeyer said before he and Kaylen sprinted across the bridge to join in the fight.
Roof of the Undead Parish
Oscar and Solaire stood facing the snarling face of the bell gargoyle with their swords drawn and their shields ready.
Now that it was closer, Oscar and Solaire could clearly make out the dried pieces of concrete that lined its large and muscular body. It was wielding a long poleaxe in one hand and in the other there was a laughably small shield attached to its wrist.
Suddenly, the beast jumped high in the air over the two warriors and brought its massive halberd crashing down towards them. Solaire quickly dashed in front of Oscar and, in a surprising show of strength, blocked the Gargoyle's attack. Oscar took a fraction of a second to marvel at Solaire's strength before charging toward the beast.
"HAAAAH!" Oscar screamed as he charged toward the gargoyle and stabbed his sword directly under its left armpit.
The beast screamed in pain as the tip of Oscar's blade came out at the top of its shoulder. It then flexed its wings and used them to jump backwards away from the two warriors. Oscar held his blade with a strong grip, and when the creature jumped back, he heard it grunt in pain as the blade slid from its shoulder.
Once it had landed on the far side of the church, the two noticed that the arm that Oscar stabbed now hung limply at the beast's side.
"Are you okay?" Oscar asked while keeping his eyes on the Gargoyle.
Solaire rolled his arm, checking to make sure it was not dislocated.
"Yes, I believe so." Solaire said.
"Good," Oscar said, "because I need you to do that again. One more opening is all I will need to finish it off."
"I was lucky to defend against its attack the first time, and now you want me to do it a second?" Solaire said, "Heh, sure. What's the worst that could happen?"
"Oh, no." Oscar said as he quickly raised his shield and began to glance in different directions.
Solaire was a bit confused. The bell gargoyle had not moved to attack them, and for some reason, Oscar was suddenly on the defensive.
"What's wrong?" Solaire said raising his own shield, but not as on-guard as Oscar.
"The prophet believed that that phrase is cursed." Oscar explained, "Bad things happen if it is spoken aloud."
"Bad things like wha-?"
"RAAAAAAAHHHH!"
CRASH
Before Solaire could even finish the sentence, another loud roar and another crash echoed around them. Another gargoyle had appeared across the roof, almost identical to the first except for its tail, which it seemed to be missing.
The two growled at each other before the new gargoyle turned its attention to the two human intruders.
Then, with surprising speed, the newcomer suddenly jumped into the air and dashed towards the two warriors. Right when it was directly above them, the beast threw its head back and unleashed a torrent of flame.
"LOOK OUT!" Solaire said as he quickly grabbed Oscar and jumped out of the path of the gargoyle's flame. Both warriors fell to the ground with a grunt.
The beast landed on the opposite side of Oscar and Solaire, right in front of the fog wall. Both Gargoyles then began to hiss and snarl loudly at Solaire and Oscar.
Both warriors quickly got to their feet and, for the second time today, stood back to back with both their shields raised. They could both see the smoke that was beginning come from both of the beasts' mouths. Oscar and Solaire were now completely surrounded and outgunned.
"This isn't looking good." Solaire said.
"We should target the one that's injured." Oscar said.
"We cannot." Solaire said. "The moment we turn to face it, the other will attack us with its flames."
"Well, facing one of these things alone is suicidal, and if we don't do something quickly, they're both going to cook us alive." Oscar said "So I say we take our chances."
Before the two could come to a decision, the gargoyle near the fog wall tossed its head back and was obviously going to unleash another torrent of flame.
"Dammit." Oscar said as he raised his shield in a futile attempt to defend against the beast's attack.
SHLICK
"RAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" the gargoyle suddenly screamed in agony as a large blade ripped through its body and was now protruded out its chest.
But the beast refused to fall easily. With blood pouring from its wound, the gargoyle attempted to grab the blade.
"Geez, just die already." a voice said.
SHLICK
Another blade then tore straight through the beast's body, causing the monster to scream in pain briefly before its body went limp and dissolved into souls.
When the beast's body dissipated, two warriors were standing in front of the fog wall. Both of them hefting large, bloody Zweihanders
One was wearing large bulbous armor and helm. Both Oscar and Solaire recognized it as the armor as one of Catarina's "Onion Knights".
The other was wearing torn rags and had a smug smile on his face that Oscar would recognize from a mile away.
"Sup, guys?" the grinning warrior said.
Even though the man could not see it due to their helmets, the moment Oscar and Solaire laid their eyes on him, smiles broke out across both of their faces.
"Prophet, you're alive!" Oscar said.
The prophet and the onion knight then approached Oscar and Solaire, while still focusing on the beast that was standing behind them.
"I've got a lot to tell you guys, but right now we should focus on finishing this thing off."
With that, they all turned and faced the last standing bell gargoyle, whose shielded arm was hanging limply at its side as it growled at the approaching warriors.
To say that the gargoyle was screwed would be an understatement. There was absolutely no chance of the beast defeating all of them, but that surely did not mean that it would go down without a fight.
"GRAAAAAAAAHHH!" the gargoyle screamed as it charged forward.
When it came close enough, the gargoyle sent its halberd crashing down upon them.
As the blade was coming down, three separate events took place in the blink of an eye. Kaylen dashed around the beast's body and cut its tail off with an overhead slice from his blade. The onion knight faced the beast's charge head on by jumping forward with his blade raised high and, in a surprising show of strength, severed the gargoyles arm in one strike, making it cry out in agony. Solaire and Oscar then finished the beast off by ramming both of their blades through the beast skull, causing the monster to spasm violently before its body went limp and dissolved into souls, leaving behind only its tail and a twin humanity sprite.
"And that takes care of that." Kaylen said as he pick up the creatures severed tail and the sprite, placing them both inside his satchel.
Kaylen then turned to face his fellow companions and was caught completely off guard when Solaire suddenly embraced him in a strong bear hug.
"HAHA! Praise the Sun! The prophet lives!" Solaire said cheerfully as he squeezed Kaylen's body.
"Can't… breathe…." Kaylen said.
Upon hearing the prophet's words, Solaire released him from his hold and sat him back on the ground.
"Good to have you back, prophet." Oscar said.
"Kindof good to be back, Oscar." Kaylen replied.
As the reunion between Kaylen and Oscar was continuing, Solaire turned his attention to the warrior wearing the round and bulbous armor.
"Ah, and who might you be, fellow knight?" Solaire said in a happy and cheerful voice. "Any friend of the prophet's is a friend of mine."
"Oh-hoh, I am Siegmeyer of Catarina." the onion knight said, "I had run flat up against a wall, or a gate I should say, before your friend approached me and asked for my assistance."
"Siegmeyer, here, came to Lordran looking for excitement and adventure." Kaylen said. "Just like you guys, he plays a pivotal role in helping the chosen undead. Also, I'm pretty sure he's a narcoleptic."
"And how did you know my reasons for coming here?" Siegmeyer asked.
"Oh, sorry for the late introduction. My name is Kaylen, Prophet of Demacia. I can foresee the future of anyone who has any connection to the Chosen Undead."
"Well, what fate do you foresee for him?" Oscar said.
"Siegmeyer's destiny is complicated. He is one of the few beings whose fate is tied to more than just the Chosen Undead. He is connected to another person." Kaylen said.
At this claim, Siegmeyer stood at attention and stared intently at the prophet.
"Who's the other person?" Solaire asked.
"His daughter, Sieglinde."
Siegmeyer's eyes suddenly went wide in surprise, though no one could see it due to his helmet.
"Lin?" Siegmeyer said, his voice laced with concern for his daughter. "What does she have to do with any of this?"
"She's here. In Lordran." Kaylen said "She came looking for you."
"SHE DID WHAT?!" Siegmeyer said "No… No, that can't be right. You're wrong. Lin is safe back in Catarina."
Oscar then stepped forward and spoke.
"The prophet's predictions haven't been wrong yet, my friend." Oscar said.
"Not once." Solaire added.
Siegmeyer looked back and forth between the two warriors before turning his attention back to Kaylen.
"What's happened to her?" Siegmeyer asked.
"I don't know the details of how it happened, but somewhere along the line, she was captured by Seath's channelers and imprisoned inside of a Crystal Golem." Kaylen said.
"My God." Siegmeyer said.
"Don't worry; she's still alive… and unharmed." Kaylen said trying to keep Siegmeyer calm.
Solaire and Oscar had been listening in silence as the prophet explained everything to Siegmeyer, but they both had one question nagging in the back of their mind.
"What reason did they have to capture her?" Oscar asked "And who is Seath?"
Kaylen then faced toward Oscar with a look of irritation.
"Dammit, Oscar." Kaylen thought to himself.
The prophet had every intention of telling Siegmeyer about his daughter, but he had hoped to keep the small detail about why she had been captured to himself.
Siegmeyer was staring intently the prophet as he waited for him to answer the question.
"Well… uh…" Kaylen said as he was trying to find a way to explain this. "Seath is albino dragon who betrayed his own kind. I do not know why exactly he betrayed them, but because he told Gwyn and the other gods about lightning, the everlasting dragons were wiped out. Gwyn awarded Seath by making him a duke and giving him a fragment of his lord soul. Seath then spent the rest of his life inside his castle researching ways to become immortal."
"But what does any of this have to do with capturing my daughter?" the onion knight asked.
Kaylen knew that the next part would hit Siegmeyer hard. He didn't even have the courage to look him in the eye as he responded.
"To conduct his research, Seath would need live test subjects. So he sends his servants, the channelers, to capture maidens from across the land so he can experiment on them."
As soon as the words left Kaylen's mouth, Siegmeyer spoke in a tone of voice that only an enraged father would be able to achieve.
"Do you mean to tell me that my daughter is going to be experimented on by some traitorous dragon?" Siegmeyer said in outrage. "You will tell me where she is being held, NOW."
Kaylen was caught off guard by Siegmeyer's response. He didn't expect him to react in such an angry way, but he knew that he had to try and capitalize from this situation.
"Right now, she's being held in The Duke's Archives in Anor Londo, but the only way to open the passage there is to ring both bells of awakening, one of which is right behind me." Kaylen then motioned toward the large bell behind him. "We could use all the help we can get to reach the second, so if you would be willing to join us, we would all stand a better chance of reaching our destinations alive."
"Then there is no time to waste; we must keep moving." Siegmeyer said as he walked past Kaylen and up the stairs that led to the bell's interior, but Kaylen quickly put his hand on Siegmeyer's shoulder, stopping him from proceeding any further.
"Wait a minute, Sieg. There's still more that I need to tell you." Kaylen said. "This is somewhat good news regarding Sieglinde."
Siegmeyer then turned back and faced the prophet with anticipation.
"Each and every future that I see, Sieglinde is always saved." Kaylen said. "The Chosen Undead always rescues her from the golem."
At this news, Kaylen noticed Siegmeyer calm down, but only slightly.
"What I need to warn you about is what happens after she is saved."
And just like that, Siegmeyer's body tensed up once again.
"Please, tell me everything." Siegmeyer said.
"After Sieglinde is saved and some time has passed, she meets the Chosen Undead once again and tells him that you went off on your last adventure. It is later discovered that, at some point, you went hollow and attacked her, leaving her no choice but to kill you. Once we free Sieglinde, you will be destined to die by her hands."
Kaylen noticed that the Onion Knight had suddenly clinched his sword tighter as his words had sunk in.
"Well then, if that is what fate has in store for me, then so be it." Siegmeyer said.
"Wait, what?" Kaylen said confused.
"As her father, I would do anything to keep my daughter safe." Siegmeyer said "If fate says that I must die so that she can live, then I will walk this path without hesitation."
Kaylen then rubbed his hand against his temples.
"Geez, what is with you people and just blindingly accepting destiny?" Kaylen said as he walked past Siegmeyer and up the stairs. "If someone told me that I was going to choke on a burger tomorrow, I would make it a point to avoid eating a goddamn burger.
Kaylen's comment caused Oscar to chuckle slightly, while Solaire simply smiled under his helmet.
Siegmeyer stayed where he was and looked at the prophet with a bit of confusion.
When Kaylen reached the top of the stairs he turned and faced towards his fellow comrades. He spoke in loud and confident voice.
"I want all of you to get this through your heads: none of you are going to die on my watch." Kaylen then motioned to Oscar, Solaire, and then Siegmeyer. "Oscar, you're going to finish your undead pilgrimage and save the goddamn world. Solaire, you're going to find very your own sun and kick Manus's abysmal ass, and Siegmeyer, you're going to rescue to daughter and you're NOT going to go hollow. As long as I'm here, everyone is going to get their happily ever after. Understand?"
At that moment, all three warriors looked at the prophet with awe. He spoke as if all of these events have been written in stone. His confidence seemed to radiate off of his body and his words, although a bit direct, inspired the three warriors to keep pushing forward. At that moment, they truly believed they could-.
"Oh, and by the way, I may or may not have pissed off Velka the goddess of sin." Kaylen said "So we should probably watch out for that."
"WHAT?" Oscar, Solaire and Siegmeyer all screamed at the same time.
"Moving on." Kaylen said as he quickly turned around and power walked inside the bell interior.
What was once three, now becomes four. The prophet has recruited yet another ally to help in his journey. But many question still remain unanswered.
What has become of the undead merchant and Lautrec? What role will Velka play in all of this? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?
All of these questions will be answered in the next chapter of Dark Souls: Derp Edition!
Well, there it is guys. I hope that this chapter was worth the wait. In the next chapter, Oswald will most certainly have a few words for the prophet and his friends. It won't take me a month to write the next chapter; you guys have my word on that. (Warning: Supreme Gamer is not very good at keeping his word.)
Also, I'm not entirely sure who I want to win in the Team Lautrec vs. Team Merchant fight. Maybe a few comments and/or reviews left by the readers would help me decide. (Hint. Hint.)
*Special thanks to Antoine for beta-reading