Katarina Claes smiled. "Hello readers!" she greeted enthusiastically, waving her arm in the 'Wave' gesture. "Yes, I'm talking to you. I don't usually do this, and I'm aware this is Maria's fanfic, but today I wanted to talk to you about a serious problem plaguing today's youth. I know we usually have a lot of fun in this story, eating Maria's sweets, farming with all my friends, repeatedly mention how Sophia is most definitely not Seathe the Scaleless because it's true, and how saying otherwise is wrong and very silly, but we need to put that aside for now."
Katarina started walking, and she's walking down the empty hallway of a Japanese middle school. Unlike the bland, plain hallways most often seen in anime, the hallways had clearly been lived in. There was old bits of tape on some of the walls from old decorations, the confines were tight, and there were some signs of disrepair, like a small crack in a pain. "I know it's been a rough few years for everyone. We lost Chadwick Boseman-sama, which means Black Panther will NEVER get a proper sequel, most of us have been stuck at home, Elden Ring has been delayed again-"
There was a sound from offscreen.
Katarina blinked. "Wait, it's coming out soon?" More sounds from offscreen. "And the new waifu is hot?" Katarina kicked up one foot and pumped her fist in the air. "YES!"
More sounds.
Katarina coughed. "Sorry, sorry, got too excited... Anyway, though all this, despite our best efforts, society's youths are facing a great danger. I am talking, of course, about Middle School Murder-Ghosts. Just like the Haunted Video Tape Crisis at the turn of the century, our youth are under threat by pasty-faced, stringy haired bitches who want to reduce Japan's birth rate even further. The recent pandemic has helped alleviate the situation, keeping our vulnerable and at risk youths away from dangerous places like schools, school hallways, school libraries, school club rooms, school athletic fields, PE storage rooms full of floor pads that smell weird and have mayonnaise stains all over them-seriously, who keeps spilling their mayonnaise on those things when they eat their lunch?-love triangles, rumors about the schools seven mysteries, creepy pervert teachers who are the number one cause of Middle School Murder-Ghosts, and of course, the greatest contributing factor to Middle School Murder-Ghosts... friends who get their hands on weird rituals! This has helped keep the number Middle School Murder-Ghost victims down dramatically, and now they're only at risk of getting infected by an airborne virus, a much more survivable prospect!"
"However!" Katarina cried, pointing dramatically at the screen. "You must stay vigilant! While there are those who say that the worst is behind us and we can all start sending our children to school again to expose them to bullies, sports, unreasonable expectation, sports, education, sports, the slow death of their will to live, sports, meeting their peers, and sports, the sad truth is that the Middle School Murder-Ghosts Crisis is worse than ever! But don't worry! To protect yourself against Middle School Murder-Ghosts, simply follow these simple rules!"
"Number one!" Katarina said, sitting in front of a laptop, its screen open to STEAM. "If it uses RPG Maker Pixel graphics, DON'T TOUCH IT! Eleven out of five Middle School Murder-Ghosts can be found on RPG MAKER-made games on STEAM! To protect yourself, only purchase and play games that contain microtransactions, games-as-a-service business model like Square-Enix's Marvel's Avengers, or anything by EA! Middle School Murder-Ghosts have their pride and so will refuse to associate with such companies, so they're safe to play. Buggy games like that Matrix game where John Wick has a robot arm are also safe!"
"Number two!" Katarina said, wearing a green track suit with the number 69 on it as she sat on a metal bunk bed. "Even if your parents threaten to kick you out, don't go to school! Even if you'll end up as a bum who lives with his parents and needs to play the Squid Game to get custody of his daughter back, it's much safer than being brutally murdered by a Middle School Murder-Ghost! Plus, you might win 45.6 billion Won, which is enough money to live on for the rest of your life! Or a week if you play mobile games."
"Number three!" Katarina said, dressed in a dark silk body suit decorated with insect shells, a weird mask sitting lopsided on her head. "Stop talking to all your friends! Yes, even that cute girl you think you have a shot with. You don't. Friends are how you get your ass haunted by Middle School Murder-Ghosts! If you stay away from your friends, they can't convince you to take part in weird rituals called 'Sachiko Ever After', look for the school's Seven Mysteries, or watch any VHS tapes! And if you happen to be the sort of person who tries to convince people to do this, then not talking to your friends keeps them safe when the eldritch powers you awaken come to kill you!"
Katarina gave a thumbs up. "Just follow these simple tips, and we'll be able to flatten the curve of Middle School Murder-Ghost deaths! Take care everyone, and remember: Elden Ring comes out soon and might kill this fic! Bye now!"