Harv had dedicated his life to his work. Growing up he'd diligently reared goats, helped around the smithy, and turned poor slaughtered goats into the goods needed to keep the peasantry of Cailburry fed. After graduating warrior school, he served a long eight years on the front lines. Glenrosa's borders had been drifting dangerously close to their own and it had been a tense battle for remaining 'unclaimed' territories.
When they returned home, his army buddies were eager to go back to their old lives, settling down and starting families of their own. Harv couldn't see that for himself. He couldn't see himself going back to rearing livestock either. He used what little social mobility he could to join the ranks of the palace guards and finally take reprieve from bloodshed entirely.
The princess, with wit and wisdom, ascended the throne of her own accord. Harv happily protected her from those resistant to change. The liberties she was taking amongst the noble class, would no doubt, one day trickle down to the common folk. She was interested in education, an equality to the sexes, and most radically, reintegrating magic into Cailburry.
The local witch, who had terrorized her as a child, had also exposed her to the things magic could do other than terrorize. In an unprecedented sign of goodwill, she welcomed the witch's son into her court as a magical advisor. It had reduced witch attacks in the town significantly, but placed a target square on Finn's back.
Harv was the only one who'd known Finn from school, he didn't find the assignment of guarding him all that pressing. Sure, Finn was still fussy about appearances, but he wasn't dangerous. Just, very trying with his demands, and open about his favoritism. If Harv was on the clock, he had to be at least within earshot of Finn or things would get difficult around the palace. He took heart his coworkers pitied, rather than resented him for it. Still, the pay was good, and the job was fairly cushy.
"I'm sure she's very nice." Harv said over the phone. The last few breaks he had at work had been consumed with talking with his father over the phone. He'd avoided going home for a few years, but now the pressure was chasing him through the phone lines. "I'm just not interested."
"It'd be good for the farm." His father insisted. "You'd be able to work closer to home. You were close growing up, it could be a really good match."
"Puck's the one that wants the farm." Harv sighed. "Rhodri's said time and again he'll take care of you, and he's got his share of children for you to spoil." He could almost hear his father roll his eyes. "There's no need for me to get married." After five days of this, he couldn't muster much more patience on the subject. "Why can't you let this go?"
"...you're mother…" He didn't like the tightness in his father's voice. "She worries y'know, about who'll take care of you."
"Dad, I'm a grown man, I don't need someone taking care of me." Harv's break was going to be over soon.
"We know, but when you get on in age, not knowing if your brothers will be too busy to help; it scares her." He sighed. "Clo's not doing so hot right now."
"What do you mean?" Harv asked. There was a long pause on the other end of the phone.
"She's just not got a lot of strength to spare." He said. "We've been needing more help on the farm, and… I just wanted there to be some good news. She feels guilty as sin having Rhodri and Emet helping around the house as it is."
"Dad, if you needed me to come home-"
"No, I know. She's still got a lot of spirit, it's just… the way she's been talking lately. I don't like it." His father was a strong man. Him dancing around the issue is not a good sign.
"I'll come by this weekend." Harv said. "And, can you tell mom not to worry? You don't have to set me up with Audrey, I'm fine."
"Of course!" Harv was glad to end the call on a good note. The somber topic had left him with little appetite, and a chill in his gut.
"HARVEY!" Right on schedule, the minute his break was up, Finn wanted to know where he was. No doubt just for him to 'be a dear' and grab something off the shelf Finn was perfectly capable of doing on his own. At least it wasn't a literal battlefield.
Finn had under his belt one good song. A pitiful song he'd written at graduation when Harv used active combat as an excuse to stop talking to him for eight egregiously long years. Granted, he may have forgotten Harv's literacy and writing skills were above average for a peasant, but well below Finn's prose. He also hadn't considered his letters may have been mistakenly given to other nobles to read instead of his actual friends in the army. Darren not responding to his letters made way more sense then Harv maliciously ignoring him.
People loved breakup songs. The one piece of vulnerable emotion Finn had willingly shared with the world got lapped up and preserved for all time. Not many people could relate to being hunted by a unicorn, but everyone at least once felt abandoned by someone dear. It was the only song of his that took off. When he didn't want to wallow in that feeling anymore, his audience would just demand he play the same old tune again. The second there was a way out he took it, even if it meant hanging up his lyre.
It was all the more painful when, once Harv was back in town, the first thing he did after seeing his own family, was to congratulate Finn for writing a song that was being translated into other languages. Not that the title IHH (I Hate Harv) could be translated into any other language without knowing the proper context. No one would ever know what that song title meant. He'd take it to his grave. Especially when he could no longer stand by the message.
It was difficult mending all that self-inflicted hurt. No matter how many times he reminded himself he was the one who misunderstood, the agitation in his heart would leak out and rear its ugly head at innocent parties. Well, maybe not too innocent, the princess had plenty of enemies he could target. His mother would be proud.
It also helped that Harv was quick to stop the other guards talking ill behind his back or walking at his side like when they were younger. The power imbalance was always there, reminding Finn they had to walk a foot apart at all times. The unsoothed ache of so much time apart made it difficult to be as close as they used to be. No matter how many perks Finn tried to reward Harv with, he was still Harv's superior now. It wasn't as fun as he thought it'd be.
"Harv, be a dear and make me a cup of Tuskan tea, my headache's back." Finn leaned back in his chair, a hand covering his eyes. He could hear the telltale grumble under Harv's breath as he begrudgingly filled the kettle, a crystal gem inside glowing red to show the water was heating up. "Thank you." He'd tried to be better at thank yous, it made the day go by smoother.
"They fired the chef that put arsenic in the black tea." Harv reminded him.
"Yes, but now people have ideas." Finn groaned. "There are a lot of aspiring widows in the court now, though Lady Radnar has just cause." He had Harv inspect his mug just to be sure. "And when the wives talk, the men listen. And if one more person asks me: 'I don't know what it is, but it starts with an A, where can I find it?' I will throw my shoe at them."
"It's just people wrapped up in something sensational." Harv said, pouring Finn's cup and wondering how many more weeks he'd have to do it.
"Can't the public fixate on something more pleasant?" Finn didn't expect Harv to answer. "They've found a variant of that little creature you love so much in blond. Now that's something to get excited over." There were several breeds of dogs out there, but considering how calmly Finn spoke, it had to be a faerie dog or a hound. "I'm surprised you haven't gotten one yet."
"You don't want pets in the office." Harv said. "Can't leave a poor creature alone for half a day everyday, it's not fair to them." Finn set his cup down a little too roughly. He was too old to feel jealous over an non-existent animal. "And you hate them."
"I don't hate them." Finn said stiffly. "I just prefer they leave me alone, and they love me way too much." Dogs loved everyone, but Finn seemed to have an uncanny ability to charm any animal. Much to his chagrin. One of the other palace guards came in with a gold can on a silver platter.
"Urgent call for you sir." The guard said. Finn went to get up, but was surprised when the can was handed to Harv.
"Uh, thanks." Harv took the can. As soon as he picked up the can he could hear his mother's voice loud and clear.
"When do we get to meet her!?" She sounded so happy even Finn had heard her from the desk. Harv held the can far from his face, half expecting to see her beaming smile inside it.
"Meet who?" Harv said, ignoring the mouthed 'whom' Finn shot back at him.
"Your father told me he tried to arrange something for you, and you said you were fine. Who's the lucky girl?" If his father had twisted his words so help him. "I can't tell you how happy I am that all four of you are finally married." As soon as she caught her breath, she started coughing.
"I'm not married." Harv said, trying to take the reins of the conversation.
"You're not." The disappointment was palpable, and without the cheer, her voice was quite hoarse.
"Not yet." Harv said. He normally couldn't hear people breathe on the phone. His father said she was unwell, but it sounded like an understatement.
"So, engaged then?" She asked softly, and that little tremor in her voice hit Harv right in the heart.
"That's right." He turned away from Finn's bewildered stare. His entire body was curling inward at the lie.
"I see! They do things differently in the capital I suppose." Harv thanked his lucky stars that his parents were deeply disconnected from local politics. "You should bring her along this weekend. We'd all love to meet her."
"I'll think about it." Wait, no, that wouldn't sound right. "I-I mean I'll see if her- uh- father will let her come." That was a thing he'd heard people complain about. It should be believable enough.
"We'll call him personally to make sure." She said, ready to ask for a number.
"That won't be necessary. We'll," he hated this so much, "work something out. I'm on the clock right now, I'll talk to you later." He hung up the phone like it was made of fire. Realization set in, one placating statement had ballooned out of proportion in less than a day. "Hey, Finn…" Harv began slowly turning back toward his boss.
"Oh, I heard." Finn's hands were laced together in front of him. "Harv, when have you ever talked with a woman outside of your job description?" The fact Harv had to think at all was telling. "Do you have any female friends outside of your brother's wife?"
"No." Harv said with no hesitation. He could picture this weekend clearly, showing up to his ailing mother emptied handed and then what? Have her console him over some made-up woman he hadn't been courting for leaving him? Admit he lied to a sick person just to make them feel better. "You know some magic, right?"
"Harvey," Finn closed his eyes, "you heard me tell other men dozens of times I cannot summon a woman out of thin air!" He sighed. "So don't even ask." He got up, rubbing at his temples the whole time. "And what's this talk about leaving for a whole weekend? You haven't submitted any time off." Finn cut himself off before revealing he checked the schedule a wee bit too much.
"My dad thinks she's dying." Harv said. Finn's rage melted immediately, though he rarely had visited Harv's home, he knew Clover was a sweet woman. He remembered how much losing his own mother had ached, and that had been way too sudden. "You heard her, is he… Could he be exaggerating?"
"Hard to say." Finn sighed. "Harv what are you going to do?"
"Well you know magic." Harv began again. The dangerous glint in Finn's eye warned him to be careful. "What if… what if you… it's possible for a man to look like a woman." Harv said. "Emet did it all the time without magic."
"And whom do you know that would agree to be a walking illusion for your parents?" Finn asked. "It's hard enough to get people interested in magic that would help them personally. I'm the only one-" Harv gave him a look. "No."
"You've done it before." Harv said.
"Are you listening to yourself?" Finn said. "You want me to come along to your little macabre soiree and hang on your arm…" That didn't sound as bad as it should. Harv owing him a debt he could actually point to would also help him with all this grumbling anytime he asked him to do something. "How important is it that you keep up this farce?"
"What do you mean?" For a moment he thought Finn was going to offer to tell his parents he lied. Instead, his boss walked slowly tracing the line of bottles on his shelf.
"What you're asking me to do is, for lack of a better word, insane. Beyond the humiliation of being a fancy object to wave in front of your infantile parents, it will take a lot of magic." He pulled out three potions, a case of pigments, and one of his mother's wands. "Maintaining an illusion for days that can be touched, will be physically draining and painful for me." He could see Harv perk up a little. "You nearly lost an arm getting one ingredient for this." He set the silver tin in front of him. "What could you possibly offer me, to compensate for that?"
"...What if…What if I found your harp?" Harv asked. Finn raised a single brow and laughed.
"Impossible, Darren broke it beyond repair." Finn said. "Besides, you know I don't play music anymore."
"I know." Harv said. "But if I found one, exactly like it, down to the last wire thing-" Finn held up a hand.
"Is that your only idea?" Harv looked down at the floor. "I thought you what, I will do this for you. In exchange, you'll have to do one thing for me, no questions asked. Do we have a deal?" Finn extended his hand. Harv eyed it suspiciously, having seen Finn's cousin try a similar trick. Magical contracts ran in Finn's family.
"What do you want?" Harv asked.
"I haven't decided yet, thus, the contract." Harv stared long and hard at Finn's outstretched hand. He could refuse and face the consequences for his actions. That would involve thinking of the least painful way to tell his sick mother he lied.
He took Finn's hand and shook it. A sickly purple haze wrapped around both their wrists. Henna-like roots and viola blossoms bled into his skin before disappearing. It was surprisingly painless.
"Where did it go?" Harv asked, so used to Belladonna's oaths glowing like a neon sign.
"It'll only show up if one of us breaks the contract." Finn said. His magic wasn't nearly as strong as his mother's but he knew how superstitious Harv could be. A magical blemish would be more than enough insurance he'd keep his end of the bargain up. "Do they still live on a farm?" Finn asked, somewhat regretting his promise when he remembered the goat spit.
"Yeah."
"Then might I suggest one more thing." If he had given himself time to think, he would have added this as part of the clause. "No matter what nonsense you hear me say to your family, you have to agree."
"Finn, that's a little-"
"Harv, what's your fiance's name?" Finn asked, watching as Harv scowled in thought. "Where did you two meet? Why haven't we heard about her yet? Why Harv?" Finn sat down and crossed his arms. "Lying got you into this mess, because you're terrible at it. If I have to masquerade as a woman, at least let me pick what kind."
"What do you mean, what kind?" Harv asked.
"This is why you have no female friends." Finn sighed. "Now, if you don't mind, I suddenly have a lot more work to do." He groaned, his migraine threatening to come back. It would all be for a good reason. He just had to make that reason, really count.