Arc 3 - Chapter 4 - Love on the Brain
Blake Belladonna bit into her meat-and-veggie dumpling, frowned at the people in the school courtyard below with misplaced contempt, and desperately wished to be in love.
Embarrassing though it was to admit, Blake had never once been in love. Yeah, unbelievable. Certainly she'd had a couple of crushes in her youth, some childish curiosities about the concepts of partnership and romance. But now, at fifteen, Blake understood that real love was a very different thing. It was deep, passionate, and powerful. The most powerful force in the world, at that. Something everyone should strive to obtain in their life. That all living things deserved to have. To not be in love? Well, that was a sad and pathetic life, quite plainly. That was how the many teen romance novels she'd read had portrayed it.
And thanks to her extensive studies on the subject, Blake fancied herself quite the expert on true love. An expert compared to her peers, at least. So, she would know what true love was when she encountered it for real. Of course, there lay the very core of the problem. One which, upon thinking about it for the umpteenth time today, made her take another savage bite out of her dumpling like it was somehow responsible for her misfortune.
The terrible reality that she had not found her love yet. She was almost sixteen and had not once found love of any kind. Yeah, insane. It was absolutely mortifying just to think about.
And every time she confided in her mother about this tragedy, she would laugh like it was the funniest joke she'd heard in her life. Then, say that Blake was still young, and to take her time with things like romance. Upon turning to her father for guidance, he would recount the story of how he hadn't met his wife until his mid-twenties, and even then didn't marry her for another five. He could not have known the horror he'd instilled in his daughter. They'd been well into their twenties by the time they found each other? That was only a couple years shy of thirty. Blake was not trying to wait that long. If she found her true love early, then they'd have more time to be together. More time to cultivate their future. Take her time? Be patient? Wait? Ugh! It was not to be thought of. Damn it all, she was practically an adult already. She had to make this happen now.
The question was, how?
Blake slung her arms over the parapet and stared into the courtyard, where everything was the same, every day, all year round. A group of punk kids known for skipping class hung out by the snack machines, one of them some gray-haired bully who had a reputation for violence. A teacher was smoking around the corner, watching the students with plain disinterest, instead of ushering them back to class like he was supposed to. Two girls sat at a bench together and ate lunch. Blake knew them. Octavia and Nebula from a couple of her classes. They were too far away to hear, but Blake had no doubts about the nature of their relationship. It did not escape her notice how they leaned close to one another, giggling like idiots about some shared secret, whispering as if everyone in the world was desperate to hear about their oh so interesting lives. The idiots.
But damn if she didn't want to be like them.
Blake scarfed down the rest of her lunch and tried her best to set her mind on other topics. Her grades and hobbies, her family life and friends. All important things, no doubt. It wasn't like she had no life outside of her recent fixation. Maybe it'd be best to focus on her artwork in preparation for her career. Mister Fairs often said she had an excellent chance in the field…
It was no use. Eventually, Blake's thoughts found their way back to the idea of love, and she'd find herself smiling as she imagined, for the hundredth time, what her dream partner would be like. She didn't care too much whether it was a man or woman. Although, she could not deny the many advantages of the former. A tall man, dark and serious, somewhat dangerous man. Unpredictable, with a bit of a cold exterior. Except when he was with her. Then, he would be gentle, sensitive, deep, thoughtful. And he had to be intelligent. Anything but a stupid guy. Blake needed someone she could have deep conversations with about important things. Maybe he had a rough past, had a deep seated rage or unresolved trauma. Maybe he struggled to find love just like her.
Well, here comes Blake Belladonna, the woman he'd been waiting for all his life. She would rescue him, no doubt. Be the one who found him in darkness, did not fear him, and pulled him into the light. His love for her would burn with volcanic passion. He'd want no one else. Ask to marry her. They'd have a child. Or three. No, five! Actually wait, three was enough. Any more was basically a litter. And, having overcome his darkness and found his soulmate, he would be an excellent father. Together, they'd raise their children to grow up successful, intelligent, and strong. Then when they were old and reminiscing about their years together, she would pass before he did. He would not mourn her, though. Instead, he'd take comfort in the fact they'd be reunited in the afterlife. They'd love out their love eternally from then on. Together, forever and ever.
Blake kicked her feet and had to muffle a happy squeak. Absolutely cheesing with excitement. That feeling lasted a decent while, marinating in her head like a lingering dream.
Then she realized it was just a dream.
The return to reality was not an unfamiliar occurrence, but no less disappointing for that. This crappy reality called her life where she was bitter at the unfairness in being single and a virgin. Why did her life have to be so hard? Blake was pretty confident that she was the only one in school who did not have a partner, or was going on dates, or was having sex. The latter in particular was all anyone talked about. In class, at lunch, in the bathrooms, who was banging who, who cheated on who, who was the best lay and who wasn't. You couldn't get away from it. It was damn annoying.
But damn if Blake didn't want to have sex, too.
To experience this apparently amazing thing with another person instead of pretending her hand was Dark Consort Caladin from the Assassin Princess books. To be able to be involved in the conversation when her friends talked about it. To graduate from child to full-on adult. To be part of the group, so to speak.
These were the things Blake wanted. Needed, even. It wasn't too much to ask for, in her honest opinion. Her parents had always said she was wise and responsible beyond her years, and she always did well in class, and never got in trouble. But Blake was starting to learn that good things did not always come to good people.
Blake rested her elbows on her knees, her chin in her palms, and sighed. She wished there was someone out there who was in love with her.
That's when she saw the stairwell door open and a head pop through. A head with big ears, curly blonde hair, and a smile befitting of his name. "Found ya." chirped Sun.
Blake gave a careless wave. "I wasn't hiding."
He swaggered up to her with that casual confidence of his, radiating positivity like a fluorescent light bulb given a personality. Sun sat next to her in that way he always did. Close enough to almost touch shoulders. "Nice company you keep up here."
"Better than the company everywhere else, at least."
"Hey, come on! We can't be that bad."
Blake smiled a little. "I'm kidding."
"You'd better be."
"Or what?"
They talked for a while. About this and that and other things, casually floating from topic to topic. Sun was good for keeping your mind off your problems. He never seemed to run out of things to say, which made it infinitely easier for Blake to be part of the conversation without actually having to engage much. One day, she'd have to tell him how much she appreciated that.
"You broke up with Sandy?" Blake gawked.
Sun nodded with a weak smile. "I just wasn't vibing with her, you know? Guess we're just too different."
"I'm sorry." At least part of her was. It was messed up to admit that she was often glad when her friends got out of relationships, because she felt like it evened out the field. Put everyone back at the starting point, as it were. She felt bad for Sun, but glad for herself. Just once, she wanted to be the one to be in a relationship and be envied. "But you know, you got to date her for a while. Lots of people liked her. You're lucky."
"Am I?" Sun did not look certain. "I mean, I guess I just don't see it. It's not as big a deal as people make it seem, at least to me."
"Of course a guy who's had a few girlfriends already would say that."
Sun scratched the back of his ear. "And trust me, it's not all that."
"Maybe you're right. But until I find out for myself, it's gonna be hard to believe."
Sun turned to her, blue eyes shining. "You'll find someone one day."
"Maybe."
There was a period of silence between them. One that was occurring more and more often whenever they were alone together. It always felt like there was something to be said, but Blake never knew what, or why, or which of them would say whatever needed saying. She chalked it up to her overthinking, as usual.
Sun cleared his throat all of sudden, sitting up straight like he was about to present a proposal before a board of directors. He noticeably swallowed, curled his fingers on the fabric of his pants. "So hey, there's this concert that I got tickets for. Or well, my uncle got them for me. To the Cold Shower concert. They're in town this weekend, you know."
"What about it?" Blake said absently, wondering if she would like a boyfriend with dark or light hair. Didn't matter too much, now that she thought about it.
"Can't really use two tickets on my own. And apparently they were like, mega expensive. My uncle can't go because he's sick so…" Sun put on a weak smile and shrugged. "I figured, you know, you and me could go. The both of us."
Warm-hearted or cold-blooded? Wait, why not both? Yes. A man who could be an angel and a devil at once. That sounded promising.
"And we could get something to eat, too. My treat. There's a taco shack near there. Nep says it's the bomb."
A bit of an edge to him would be nice. Someone who could protect her. A man. Blake wanted nothing to do with a lot of the idiot boys her age. Yes, someone strong. Cool. Mature.
Sun cleared his throat again. "So, what do you think? Wanna go?"
Blake blinked and turned to him. "Huh? What?"
Sun flashed the tickets in her face."The concert, Blake. Wanna go with me?"
Blake gave him a wan smile. "You're sweet, Sun, but I just want to stay in this weekend. I don't know if concerts are even my thing."
Sun put up a smile. One that seemed a little strained. "Er, yeah. I guess that makes sense. Sorry."
Blake put her hand on his shoulder to console him. They hadn't hung out in a while, and honestly she missed his company. "But we can hang out after school today if you want. We can all go see a movie."
Sun's eyes fell, then he nodded. "Yeah, all of us. Good idea. Uh, let me get back to you on that, alright?"
Blake found herself a little confused by that bit of hesitation. Normally, he was down for anything. Probably he was still going through the motions of a breakup. That made sense. "Sure," she said.
Sun stood up and stretched, cords of developing muscle creasing in his arms. He took a deep breath. "Bell's about to ring. You coming?"
Blake began to follow him. "Right behind you."
And Blake fell into her usual mode of listening while Sun talked about one wild story after another, allowing herself to laugh, even while her thoughts remained on the same subject that had been on her mind for weeks. Because nothing else seemed nearly as important.
Blake Belladonna wished desperately to be in love.
Blake tensed when she felt lips on her neck, and only slightly calmed when she realized it was Adam. Nothing out of the norm, really. There was nothing wrong with a surprise kiss from your love, at least if that was all it was. But that wasn't all it was. It never was with Adam.
He'd snuck up behind her, slipped his arms around hers, gently secured her waist. She felt his lips brush against her ear as he whispered, "Good morning, beautiful."
"Hey," Blake whispered, resuming washing the dishes as she had been. "You're affectionate this morning."
She felt Adam's lips spread into a wanting smile against her neck. His hands slid down to her hips. "Can you blame me? There's a lot of you want."
Blake remembered him saying that very same thing once. It used to be one of her favorite things. Used to be.
"Adam, not right now. I'm cleaning." Blake said, feeling one of Adam's hands curl around to cup her behind. "I'll be done in a minute, okay?"
"You can do them later." He said, already pressing himself against her. That used to get her excited. Seeing him want her made her want him back. And sometimes, it still did. Right now was not one of those times.
His other hand left her hip and found her breast, caressing it in his palm. Blake couldn't deny that it felt good. Her body certainly reacted in a way that proved as much. Just sometimes her own emotions didn't quite catch up. Some people were of the opinion that if your body reacted, then you wanted it. Whether such a thing was true or not, Blake had not given too much thought. She wished she had.
"My love…" she tried to appeal as sweetly as possible. "Please, can't this wait?"
"I want you now. Don't you want me?"
"I do, but—"
He took that as clear encouragement. Adam's other hand found his favorite part of her. He peeled back her skirt and made her gasp when his rough fingers eased inside her. That was his hastiness at work. Once he got riled up, he wanted to get right to it. As it was, the touching didn't last long, as he had already started sucking on her neck and pressing on her back, coaxing her to bend over, using one hand to spread her legs.
In a last ditch effort, Blake threw something out without thinking. "Adam, what time is it?"
That got him to stop. He shifted around a bit and Blake looked up to find him checking his watch. She felt guilty for feeling immense relief when he cursed under his breath. "Better go. I'd rather not have my boss flip on me again."
Blake steadied herself on the counter, gripping it hard so that she would stop shaking.
"We could make it quick. What do you say?" Adam asked.
Blake scrambled for an answer. Adam often took her silence negatively and the last thing she wanted to do was make him angry before he left. His job accomplished that often enough by itself. "Let's save it for tonight. For when you get off, okay? That'll give me time to, you know, freshen up."
"I'll be gone most of the day. You want me to wait that long?" He said, still pressed against her but she felt him wilting and did not seek to reverse that.
"It'll give us both something to look forward to." Blake wheedled, turning around to put her hands on his chest, to stare lovingly up into his eyes. She tenderly adjusted his jacket, putting up the warmest smile she could and hoping like hell that it worked. "I'll be thinking about you all day," and she touched his face, thumb playfully stroking the corner of his mouth until he smirked. "It's more exciting when you know it's coming, right? Go on. When you get home…" She stood up on her toes and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "I'm all yours."
Adam satiated himself with another, longer kiss, but he relaxed. The beast had calmed. "Alright, if that's what you want. See you tonight. Love you."
"I love you, too." Blake watched him go. She did not leave her spot until she heard the car pull out of the driveway.
Only then did she completely relax. She'd avoided it this time, which was rare enough to almost be a miracle. But she would have to give Adam what he wanted tonight. There was no getting out of it.
Blake tried to reason that it had been too long since they'd made love. They used to do it often, morning or night, sometimes multiple times a day. Blake found herself reflecting on those days, preening at their most passionate sessions, cringing at their most awkward. At the time, it had seemed like those moments could have lasted forever. Blake wished they would have. But of course, nothing ever did.
They'd made love far less since the events of last summer, for one reason or another. As such, once they'd started up again, things were not the same. Frankly, things were worse.
The thing was, Blake did want to have sex with Adam. Or at least, the way they'd used to. But that didn't seem likely to happen tonight.
Still, Adam had never forced her into anything, so she could still say no. Only she had promised him and he would come home expecting it. If nothing else, Blake wanted her love to be happy. Whatever it took to make that happen, she would just have to do.
In silence, Blake went back to washing the dishes and relished every minute she was in the house alone.
Blake leaned on the parapet of the school rooftop, stared down at the mostly empty courtyard, and she wanted for nothing.
For all the things that had changed over the years, this spot was one of the only constants. It was still her place of escape. A tear in the sequence of time that defied all outside influence to maintain a tranquil stagnation. Here, it was easy to feel like the only person left in the world.
The same could be said for Octavia, sitting down below at her signature bench for lunch like she had all these years. The difference? There was no Nebula anymore. There hadn't been since the start of the year. Nowadays Octavia occupied that space alone, scaring off any others with her miserable frown, committed to her role as a bitter ex that had yet to move on. If that even was the reason for her ire. Sometimes she looked okay, sometimes she looked incredibly pissed off, sometimes she cried her eyes out. And no matter which face Blake saw, she stared on without comment or impulse to comfort her, never knowing whether she felt sympathetic toward her or annoyed. Maybe a bit of both. Blake supposed a break up was not an easy thing to get over.
Blake allowed herself a sad smile. She'd used to think, rather arrogantly, that she would never ever experience a breakup. She'd believed that she would be a great partner, and that she would pick the right person for her the first time around, like in those teen romance comedies she would watch. She'd find her one and while they'd have their rough patches, they'd stay together forever. What a fool she'd been. There were many things she knew now that she could never have guessed before. Back then, the only thing she'd been accurate about was that being in love and being loved in return would change her life. And she could not have known how right she'd end up being.
"You never change." said a voice, suddenly very close.
Blake spun around to see Sun, standing there with his hands in his pockets, his tie poorly fastened, smiling at her with that big and friendly face. Just like he always had. Blake thought to give him a half-hearted wave, but then she remembered her last conversation with him and decided against it.
"Sorry to be so predictable." She said instead.
Sun shrugged. "Well, If you want to avoid us, you're gonna have to try better than this."
"I didn't invite you up here."
"True." Sun nodded. He did not stand as close to her as he used to. He was a good few places away, now leaning over the parapet, looking across at her like he was trying to be friendly, but was very aware of the risks. That's what she was to him now. Someone to be wary of, rather than the girl he'd apparently been in love with all these years. "So what's up? Are you doing alright?"
Blake put her attention back on Octavia. Watched her bite into a salad. "Of course."
"You sure?"
"I wouldn't say so if I wasn't."
"Okay."
Even the way he talked to her was different now. He used to know when she was upset and press her with jokes or sympathy in order to get it out of her. Or sometimes he'd sit there, saying nothing, never judging, and listen to her complain or cry. She had to admit even now that Sun had been her rock even throughout her relationship with Adam. He was always the one she came running to.
Now he just took her at her word, even if he likely did not believe her. He still listened, still tried to help, but his investment in her was all gone now. Because he'd stopped caring? Or because he now had Yang to fawn over? Most likely both.
A few minutes passed in silence between the two. The cool breeze made the trees hiss, distantly Blake thought she could hear Mister Port yelling from out in the field.
Sun chose to break the tension, "So, winter break is coming up."
"Oh, is it? Never would have guessed."
"Er, right. It did come pretty fast. But uh… Weiss is planning a trip. She's trying to take us all to Mistral. For the beach and festival. Everyone's going. Even Jaune."
Blake huffed. "Didn't realize he was such a socialite."
"Don't flatter him. He can't take compliments," Sun chuckled. "Anyway, I came to see if you wanted to go. Weiss was gonna ask, but I tried to get to you first."
"So you're just delivering the message, huh"
"Sorta? I guess."
Blake frowned. She knew what this was. A mere formality. A show of generosity and welcoming where there clearly was none. Blake could not claim to have retained all her own self-worth after the fallout, but even she was not pathetic enough to entertain this nonsense. How dare he. Years ago, he would have been begging her to go out with him. But supposedly Blake was no longer needed now that he had Yang. Why in hell would he want her to come with them after their last conversation? Did he feel guilty? Pity? Did he feel obligated to make her feel like she was still an important member of the group? No matter which, Blake would have none of it. And she would tell him as much. Right now, in fact.
"What do you say? Wanna come with?" asked Sun again.
Come with you? Never. I never want to see your face again, you damn betrayer. I hope you never find happiness. I hope someone hurts you as you hurt me and worse. These were the things Blake wanted to say, but of course, didn't.
Blake glanced across at Sun, then back at the courtyard. "I'll think about it."
"Alright. Fair enough."
More silence.
Sun thumbed his ear. "Blake, are we okay? After everything that happened?"
Okay? Well, of course they were. Blake was totally fine with the fact that one of her best friends had started dating her other best friend-slash-sorta-girlfriend. It didn't matter that Yang had promised to wait for her while she sorted things out with Adam. She was not upset at all. Blake bit her tongue before saying, "Of course, Sun. And yes, I'm sure."
Sun did not believe her and she saw it in his eyes. She expected him to pester her for the truth, but instead he took that answer for what it was and said, "Okay." again.
It pissed her off to hear that. That unsatisfying, borderline dismissive one word answer that implied a complete lack of investment or care on his end. Blake's fury only built as Sun began to walk away, quite as if he was the one who was bothered by the present company and unable to stand near her for a moment longer.
She had to say something. Anything. This could be her last chance, after all.
"Sun," Blake growled without turning to him. "I did love Yang."
A pause. Then, simply, "I don't think you did, Blake." said Sun. "I think you loved the fact that Yang loved you. Maybe you loved the fact that we both did."
Blake clenched her fists so hard that they shook. With anger, with fear, with pain. "You don't understand a thing about me."
Sun left without another word. No derision or snide comment, no reclamation of the trip offer. After all, there was no need for it. He was right. Sun understood the kind of person Blake was better than anyone else.
So it should have been no surprise that he'd choose happiness with Yang over loyalty to her.
Adam was her only special person. The only one she needed. Everyone else was nothing. She did not need them. Screw them all.
So the moment Adam walked through the door, Blake threw herself at him. It was perhaps the first time she'd ever done so, and was proud to see that she'd caught her love unprepared. He was quick to catch up, though. She started pulling him to the bedroom, already tearing off his jacket and flinging it across the hall. He kicked his shoes off into a corner, ripped his belt off his waist and tossed it away like some annoying garden snake. By then, he was matching her intensity, had pushed her into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him, coming at her like she was the dessert he'd been dying to get a piece of.
"What's got into you?" Adam chuckled excitedly.
"You. Or you'd better." said Blake, not caring if she sounded lame or stupid. She hadn't gotten the lights on yet, so Adam did not see her poor attempt at a smile. The one that failed to dry the tears. She needed to forget some things, a lot of things, and making love would help with that. She drew him closer and kissed him with animal hunger. "I love you. I love you. I love you." she said between breaths.
They pulled apart so Adam could shrug out of his shirt and pants, while Blake had saved them both the hassle of her underclothes and simply pulled off her gown. She managed a smile of pleasure at seeing him look at her with lust and desire again. It was a look she only got when her clothes were off, but it was something, right?
Naked and ready, Adam came for her once again, tall and looming over her like a great muscled shadow. He kissed her fiercely, his tongue slipped beneath hers, he nipped and sucked at her lip like a drunkard sucks from the spigot of a beer keg. No one could kiss like him. Especially not Yang. Sun was probably a crappy kisser, too. None of them were like Adam in any way. Blake vehemently hoped they broke up and badly.
She felt Adam grunt in her mouth as she slid one hand between his legs, slowly working him until he was hard and ready. Like that morning, he took after her breasts, only slightly too rough, but Blake convinced herself to like it. Yang had been far too gentle. It was cowardly. Having sex with her hadn't been fulfilling at all. And did Sun really think he could be better in that department? How arrogant. No doubt he still wanted her but was too spiteful to admit it. Neither of them were at all like Adam.
Blake felt Adam take her by the arms and try to turn her around. Her excitement petered down a little. He wanted to get to that already? "Adam…" she said as she half obeyed. "Adam, I'm not there yet."
"You will. Trust me." He said.
He eased her toward the bed, gently pressed on her back, and Blake did as she was bid. Trusting Adam, like always, but also knowing how he could be. Too eager to get to his favorite part. Not that she wasn't, but she needed more than that to finish. Blake decided to say something, like she had many times before, and hoped he listened, even if it might annoy him. Was this not supposed to be good for them both?
Blake tried to reason as sweetly as possible. It came out more like she was begging, unfortunately. "Can you just use your hand for a little? I like when you do that."
Adam offered no response except a barely concealed sigh. A small thing. Inconsequential, perhaps. But devastating for her. Blake felt embarrassed, stupid, and wanted now only to put on her clothes and crawl into bed. But it was too late now.
Things hadn't used to be this way. He'd used to take his time. Every time they'd made love, he made sure she finished, be it before or after he did. She felt him use his hand, but she got nothing out of it now. No emotion, no clear receptive desire. She was a cow being milked and nothing else. He did not touch the parts she liked, just the ones he did. It might have been generous to say he rubbed between her legs for fifteen seconds, though in his estimation it was enough when she was moist.
Blake was starting to feel more of her own excitement drain away. Suddenly, she was aware of how she was naked and cold and sticking her ass up for someone else to use. It was humiliating, despite the fact that she'd laid with Adam countless times up to now.
So it was that she didn't let out anything beyond a grunt when Adam penetrated her.
It was quiet and dead in the room now, when moments ago it had felt so alive. Adam did not go slowly. That was not how he did things. There was only the sound of his animal grunts and hasty breaths. The gross sound of skin slapping against skin, the wet sound produced from his thrusts. Hard and fast like it was a race and he was sprinting to the finish line. Blake wondered if at times he did it simply to get it over with. Like doing the dishes. Oh, I haven't fucked my girl in a while, I'd better remember to get that done.
So Blake laid there, head turned to the wall, her body jerking with Adam's every movement. She felt nothing. A machine simply doing it's designed purpose. No joy in it. No passion.
Yang and Sun weren't like Adam at all. Blake imagined that they considered each other's sexual needs. That their sessions were full of passion and love. Maybe those two truly and fully made love to one another. Like Blake and Adam had used to. Until the day she'd ruined everything.
Adam let out his signature growl that informed Blake he was about to finish, and there was some relief in that. Once he was done and he pulled out of her, he pulled her into the bed and in his strong, comforting arms. He began to touch her like he'd used to, kissing her, and doing everything he'd used to do to help her reach her orgasm. Or that's what Blake wished he had done.
Instead, he sauntered out of the room, probably going to the kitchen for water or something. Leaving her there in the same position, like a doll he'd had his fun playing with and left on the floor. The same position he always favored. There used to be a time where they did more.
Blake considered, and not for the first time, that he liked this position because he did not have to see her face. Unfortunately, it was not too difficult an idea to believe.
With no dignity to be found, Blake crawled into bed, pulled the cover over herself and tried to go to sleep. It did not come quickly, but at least she had made Adam happy, right? That was all that really mattered, wasn't it?
Once upon a time, Blake had wished desperately to have a boyfriend, to have sex, and to be in love. She had not waited long for her dream to come true.
But was love, real love, supposed to feel like this?
Blake had no answer.
Well, this took a while to come out. Sorry about that. My life got off track for a while, but I'm trying to get back on course. See you in the next one.
ISA