Chapter (69316)-1: Who Is The Greatest God, Sageiest Wise Guy, And Hottest Prelude To Insanity Ever?
(Apollo?)
That's right subtitle!
It's your favorite sun god!
APOLLO, BA-BY!
This wonderful wordsmith of the gods is here with some good old-fashioned Deus Ex Machina.
I am so ready to BREAK that fourth wall and give you that vague sage info that Peter was too crazy and self-absorbed to hear.
Because why should he be the only one feeling mad and lost when you can all join in?
Don't you want to be a main character?
Or have a chance to romance his precious ~Miss Sunshine~?
I've heard Eros say that he thinks Peter and Andi are endgame, but Aphrodite says Andi's dead meat, so as the god of prophecy, I'm here to remind you that—
]Apollo![
Oh shoot.
Action.
ACTION!
FADE IN:
An Important Meeting Between the Gods – Morning
Some time ago, Andromeda Sunshine came to Olympus with a very unusual request thanks to an incredibly smart and handsome patron behind (and in front of) the scenes. At present, she stands before the twelve thrones of the twelve gods who are big and intimidating except for me. I'm, of course, super approachable and attractive at all times which is totally why my wine dude brother is thinking at me really hard.
WINE DUDE thoughts
1. It's your turn to vote, so don't muck this up.
2. Don't ever call me Wine Dude again.
3. My wife on her worse day is hotter than you'll ever be,
so go fuck yourself, you cocky cancer beam carrier.
ME thoughts
Ooo! Someone's cranky and like 60% wrong.
I glare at him and raise my hand to vote.
ME
Yeah, I'm with Miss Andromeda Sunshine, thanks.
BACCH thoughts
That's more like it.
CURRENT CRUSH
Thanks a Luketon Apollo!
ME thoughts
Anything for you, my precious agave bloom!
I give her a heart-fluttering wink.
;)
FADE OUT:
See, don't you want to be able to hit on her like I just did?
Masterful, I know.
I couldn't do anything less.
If you could just see, feel, and smell how freaking cute she is, you'd be done for too.
That's for sure.
It's so rare to find someone nearly as hot as I am which is too bad. Because I'm great, arguably the greatest god of any pantheon, making me the greatest person in existence and yet there's only one of me, so unfortunately for us all, not every story can have me as its centerpiece despite my place in the universe.
For those of you who have seen the light, you know what a tragedy this is. For the rest of you well…
I ask you, poor misguided souls, to join us enlightened ones on this fancy fleeting flight of fact.
Yes.
It is even better than it sounds.
I make the impossible come true every day. I am that amazing. Just this month I've been busy enough that several epics could be written about all my exploits. To name a few because I know you'll want to hear this.
I've:
- begun my subtle romance with the most ravishing new maiden in the world,
- rescued my sister's ungrateful hunters,
- kept my son's whereabouts on the down low while staying out of the dog house with my half-sister and my dad,
- saved her lackluster ex-artist male love interest,
- performed the massive charity of reading and reviewing his seriously questionable fic that really wants to be gay but is mostly filled with queer bait,
- started up countless boy bands,
- worked to prevent the end of the world and fanfiction as we know it,
- and taught an emo chick the wonders of makeup and being destined for tragedy
- all while riding around the world over 20 times.
Be honest with yourself, nearly-converted fans,
Look past your inherent jealousy and admit it:
You are super curious to hear more, right?
Right~?
I'm an endlessly interesting and multifaceted guy like how I multitasked through this super important and canon-breaking meeting. I am wasted as a mentor, healer, minor love interest, inspiration to the masses, poet, provider of notes and advice, conspirator, eye-candy, and occasional repository of comic relief. You'd love to have me as the main character, but alas, your preview into my protagonist-worthy adventures will be over far too soon because…
It's time for a new scene!
FADE IN:
By The Stables Where the Chariots Are Kept – Afternoon
After a meeting that went on way too long, I'm outside with my favorite half-brother who is asking too many questions.
SASSY LITTLE BROTHER
Come on, Apollo. I think I'm entitled to a few answers.
I'm not asking for the full doom and gloom prophecy. I
just want you to explain: why is it that after doing
everything you asked and setting up that wild border
collie chase, am I watching someone else walk home with
the prize right now? 'Cause the way I see it, if all I
was going to get for my efforts was the cold shoulder, I
could have sat this entire misadventure out.
ME
I get you, but you gotta get me, man.
Artists like myself
We are all eccentrics, man
Facts aren't truth to us
SASSY IMMORAL LITTLE BROTHER
Then sate my curiosity with a convincing lie.
ME
And mislead my audience?
No way.
They're confused enough as is
SASSY IGNORANT LITTLE BROTHER
Them and me both.
Seriously bro, sometimes I think you ought to be the god
of insanity.
ME
Nah. Occasionally there's an artist who isn't totally
bonkers.
BACCH
He's offscreen but still way too close.
And occasionally there's a cute
demigod you don't want to fuck.
SASSY TRAITOROUS LITTLE HALF-BROTHER
He laughs in a way that ensures he will experience a lot of karmic pain and suffering later.
ME
You're all just jealous because the guys and dolls like
me more!
BACCH
He gives me (me!?) the finger.
ME
If we weren't on the same side…
BACCH thoughts
Keep on dreaming, Apollo. Your plan is too nuts to work
on its own. You need me, golden boy.
He shoots me a maddening smile.
SASSY LITTLE HALF-BROTHER
Come on, bro, let's not go there today. How about I grab
Cupid and we can hit on some girls who aren't covered in
Dad's red tape?
ME
Ugh.
Fine.
Just lemme finish up my internal monologue.
SASSY LITTLE BROTHER
Sure, sure. Tell the 'audience' I say hi.
ME
Consider it done. ;)
FADE OUT:
And voilà, folks. My two-shot play is done. Were you not entertained by my fabulous screenwriting and acting? Did you notice how I egged on my grumpily 'child-friendly' half-brother to give that deliciously explicit performance? And how I totally misdirected not one, but two brothers into doing exactly as I wanted with zero context?
Am I a genius or am I a GENIUS!?
And if my half-brother can convince Cupid to come play with me which of course he can then you should just call me the prince…
No!
The GOD of youthful indiscretions.
Who's that youth I see?
Who's smart, hot, and so much fun
It's Apollo, son!
Ah man, it is SO great having an audience to my every thought and haiku again.
Why don't I do…do?
Do-da-da-di-da-do…
Oo!
Wait just one moment, folks.
I sense a disturbance in the Force.
I think. I feel. I am forgetting something.
Hmm…
Let's see…
Sick Beats.
Me.
Haiku.
Sex.
Me.
Haiku.
My half-brothers.
Haiku.
My sassy little brother complaining about Artie and Andromeda.
Me.
Sex.
Andromeda and that metaphor that no one seems to understand about her true nature…
My other half-brother having god-awful taste in wives and children.
And…
Oh!
That's right.
The meeting!
Duh!
It almost slipped my mind. Good thing I'm a god and not a human, otherwise I might have forgotten that for like weeks, but I guess I don't have to tell you.
;)
Anyway, yeah. That meeting that just happened. I basically totally skipped over the whole thing and you're probably wondering if it was important.
It was.
Very important.
But am I going to tell you what happened?
NOPE!
But don't get all bent out of shape about it.
You don't want to be too much like old New Peter, amirite?
The most important thing is that it happened, so just keep hanging on with me, peeps. I'm making sure you get the best story possible, given the materials. That's what me and the muses do.
Trust me.
And how could you not?
It's me and I…oh-ho-Ho!
No!
No.
Uh-uh.
I nearly got distracted by myself again, but not this time.
This time:
I.
Am.
FOCUSED!
So, before I forget let me just tell you that Andromeda is bestowing her company upon my dorky half-brother, Artie. Though if you ask me Artie ought to be one of my nicknames because Phoebus really doesn't do it for me. I mean…
Phoebus as a name
What? Was Lucifer taken?
Apollo will do…
Seriously, those Martians need to work on their naming game, but enough about them.
Back to me.
Unfortunately, you'll need to exist without my fair thoughts as company since the end of our time together is nigh.
Think of me fondly and tell that sourpuss critic 'hi' when you see him, won't you?
He's pretty busy with all that courtroom drama and can't take a message right now, but he's losing more marbles every day, so you never know when he might look up and smell the 5th wall.
Unless you're me, of course.
Now that I'm finally caught up on my re-reading, I know everything again. Whereas you well…
I hope you've noticed the big change that happened besides receiving my gracious attention.
But don't feel too bad if you didn't. Unlike me, you're only mortal and life as you may have noticed, isn't fair a lot of the time. Not every story has a happy ending. Just look at my prolific love life…
TT-TT
I'm just so much of a catch that the Mistress of Love and Sex herself insists on nerfing me to keep the playing field fair. Sometimes it's really hard being this awesome…
But at least, I'm still hot, single, and ready to mingle!
Ladies and gents, I'm looking for a few hold-overs before I finally charm my precious flower of a half-sister, so if you're extra lucky, I might be treating you to a very ~special~ haiku sometime, if you know what I mean.
;)
In the meantime, keep on writing, singing, cooking, acting, playing, painting, drawing, daydreaming, and creating, my budding artists.
Listen to your heart
That will help you make the art
Then greatness can start
Greatness being the best way to get hold of yours truly as I'm like the leader of the muses. They tell me everything cool that you artists do.
And as for you non-artists out there:
Stay young, healthy, and ~engaged~ with life!
An artist near you could use your positive vibes and so could you!
That's all folks, you've been a wonderful audience, but I must go!
Up, up, and away and see you on the bright side, my peeps!
Peace!
And
¡Deuces!