I awoke on a cold Wednesday morning, hours before the blue haze of early light would shine through my window.
There was something special about waking up at this time. It felt like I was the only one left alive in the world. Alone in the shadows
of my room. I had no idea what time it was, and I didn't want it to be 5 AM. Even 4 AM would have been too late. Or maybe too early. Who knows?
No, 2 AM was too early. And much too late. Too late to get any sleep, and too early to be awake. I was hoping it'd be 3 AM. Hope against hope.
Just enough time to play games before school. Video games were all I really thought about these days. Nothing else mattered.
I had gotten lost within myself, and that was something I didn't plan on changing. No matter how much my one friend,
the last friend I had left, had tried to nag me into adopting a more reasonable schedule. I was content to dedicate myself
to this virtual world. Because the real world simply didn't have anything left for me. My parents had all but given up on me.
Senior year of high school was my last year of freedom. After that I'd be going to college and getting a job. Moving into
a shitty apartment where I'd have to put up with 3 roommates in this god awful economy thanks to our government
that's become a puppet of foreign evils. If I think about it too much I'll start to sound like an angry hippie boomer, but
it's the only way I know how to explain the lack of hope I feel. It's February, meaning there's just 3 months until May, until graduation. A brief summer vacation and then "Real life" would begin. No more games and no more fun. How was I supposed to think about this and not want to spend every waking moment in front of the computer?
And so that's exactly what I did. Pressing F on the keyboard (any key would work of course) to wake it from sleep mode, logging in
and checking the time. 1:17 AM. Much earlier than I thought. I already feel tired thinking about the long school day ahead. I look back to the bed and think about sleeping. But something prevents me from it. No matter how long I sleep, I'll still feel the same. So I might as well stay up.
I check my Discord first, weeding through all the pointless memes and drama to see if Sayori said anything last night. She's the friend I mentioned earlier. It wasn't easy talking her into getting a discord account, but it's the easiest way for us to chat and she seems to think I'll find new friends over it. Though of course it came with her usual warnings not to get too absorbed. That girl needs to mind her own business
and not worry about me so much. It sounds harsh to say, but honestly I can't imagine it being healthy for her. She'll just disappoint herself
in the long run.
Sure enough, she DMed me at about 9 PM to tell me I should get a good night's sleep for once. I thought about saying back to her that I know about her habit of oversleeping, but I decided against it. Keep those thoughts in my head. I really don't want to think so negatively of her,
but negative thoughts seem to overtake my mind recently. Still, I try to be nice. And part of being nice sometimes involves deception. As such, I refrain from saying anything to her yet, setting an alarm for 5:50 when I'll pretend to be waking up. Give myself time to shower and eat something for breakfast, and message her telling her not to worry. Not that I won't pass by her house and probably find her stumbling out the door looking like she just ran through one of those acrobatic gauntlets from the Japanese TV shows. Still, I think she likes seeing that I messaged her before leaving the house. Not that it's my place to make such judgement calls, but I don't think she has any friends. I never see her talking to anyone
except me. Maybe she's just introverted. I tell myself that's what my deal is, but honestly there really is a part of me that wants to get out there.
Find a friend, maybe a girlfriend. It'll stop those silly rumors that I'm dating Sayori. Because I simply couldn't ever see her that way. And I'm not too proud to say that she'd be way out of my league. No, I need someone who's more on the withdrawn side like me, but not so withdrawn we drift apart. Someone who shares my interests. Not that I'm sure what interests me besides games. Maybe I should get back into music.
I load up my favorite game, Oblivion Online, seeing my character is just as I left him. The Breton Spellsword that's braved the depths of the titular fire themed dungeons, Oblivion, countless times to fight the hordes of daedra that awaited. I liked to think I had some kind of status in the world, but there were people who'd sunk far more hours into their characters than I had. I was a rookie compared to some of the legends out there. And yet it invigorated me to think maybe one day I'd reach the current level cap, or find a unique daedric artifact the next time one releases. Or even just defeat one of the S-tier dungeon bosses. And this is what I've wasted my high school years on. It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm fighting imps with a magical sword, and not regretting it for a second.
Before I know it my alarm has gone off, interrupting me in the middle of a long dungeon crawl. Sitting hunched over my keyboard, I can't help letting out a sigh and shaking my head. Pressing the snooze button on my phone and leaning forward with determination. Focused on the fictional battle with a minotaur lord, knowing I'll still have time to get ready. Message Sayori and..coffee. I'll need coffee. My blade plunges into the beast's flesh, drawing blood and rending the leathery cowhide. Again and again I strike, peppering in a few fireballs, the blasts echoing through the labyrinth. Until the minotaur falls dead and my character rips off its horn as a trophy to sell. I smirk in the real world as if this is a great victory. It would have been worth bragging about if not for my high level. Really I could have managed that encounter in my sleep. Still, the fact I have a time limit imposed by the real world made it feel like a victory. I rush through the rest of the labyrinth, carving through a few lesser enemies until I appear back in the overworld slightly wealthier. Just as my alarm goes off again and I close out of the game for now. Putting my computer back into sleep mode and setting my headphones to the side. I look out into the blue light of early morning, and feel...cold. It's almost time for school.
I shower and get dressed, letting my thoughts drift along the way. Sayori's been pestering me to join the music club with her, saying they need one more member to be official. I tried telling her video games are more my thing, but she hit me with that sad expression like she's "Not mad, just disappointed" and so I said I'd check it out today. I'm not even at school and I'm regretting it. I have no idea how to play an instrument, the closest I've came is making noise with a guitar. And noise is exactly what it is. It helps me focus some nights, and it's a great de-stressing tool. But I'd never be able to play in front of other people, I haven't even learned a full song yet. A music club probably puts together more classical performances anyway. I'd be fighting a losing battle trying to tell a bunch of Beethoven snobs about Jimi Hendrix and Yngwie Malmsteen. And I have no idea if they're one of those clubs that puts together performances, so if they tell me we're playing in front of the school, I'd need several weeks of practice just to play something basic, and I'm not sure if I can commit. A promise is a promise though. I can at least check it out today.
As I sip my coffee I check the clock. 6:15, giving me just enough time to walk to school if I hurry. Better than bugging my parents for a ride. Over the summer I'll be learning to drive, and I actually think it'll be pretty fun as long as I don't manage to get in a wreck. The last thing I need is to get lectured about car insurance and other things adults get angry about. Or to end up with a broken leg. But that's just me being pessimistic again. I really need to get over that. The caffeine certainly helps. By 6:20 I've thrown on my coat and headed out the door, locking it behind me and starting on the mile long walk to school. It's nice living right down the street from it, plus the walk at least gives me a tiny bit of exercise and sun. It's true what they say, going outside helps your mood.
I walk past Sayori's house and sure enough she's out the door just as I'm passing by. Racing to catch up to me and slowing her pace once she's by my side. Recently we've been walking to school together, I guess out of convenience. It certainly doesn't help those rumors about us of course. Not like it's really their business. But high school is just like that. A guy can't breathe in the presence of a female student without everyone he knows thinking he must be a simp looking to get with her. Then again some would say that's exactly what I'm doing, promising to join the same club as her. Speaking of which...
"I didn't know you played any instruments." I casually mention to her. She looks confused for a second before realizing what I'm referring to. "Oh, the club! Well it's not just for people who play, it's for anyone with an interest in the art form. And I know what you're thinking, it's not all jazz and classical either. There's only 3 members besides us, one of them is a metalhead like you and the other is into kpop and stuff like that. I pretty much listen to anything, and even though the club president is a pianist that doesn't mean she only listens to Mozart. Let me guess..you thought we only listened to Mozart."
I look away from Sayori so she can't tell if my face is feeling hot from embarrassment or not. She's pretty good at calling me out. My hands are in my pocket as I walk forward, head held high. "Of course I didn't." "Yes you did." "Yeah...I guess I did. Can you blame me? It's school. In school everyone's supposed to pretend they care about music from the 1600s. When in reality, even the stuff I like is considered dated. It's hard finding anyone who likes the basic classic rock, let alone anything heavier. And I have to laugh at anyone who makes fun of glam metal and then goes to listen to Beyonce. So with all that in mind, and the fact my guitar skills need about another 2 years to be halfway decent, are you sure this is the right club for me?"
"It's not based on skill level, though we do plan on having a live show at some point. Hopefully on the last day before spring break if we can get that organized in time. We'll need a few more members of course. And enough people who can agree on a genre they like, and come up with a list of songs, and learn everything..." And she plans on doing that by mid-march? "But anyway, it's fine that you aren't an expert, I'm sure they'll be happy to see you're at least trying. I've been trying to get back into flute playing. I wonder if there's any famous songs that pair a guitar and a flute.." I feel like I've heard of such a thing, but I'd almost be leading her on in a weird way. Still, it might actually be fun to have someone to talk about music with. They might even get me to expand my tastes a bit. So, what the hell, I'll actually try being optimistic about this. "Maybe we'll write that song. Just don't expect me to be a virtuoso within a month. I'll join the club and that'll be a start at least."
"Yes!" She skips around for a bit. "I told Monika you'd say yes! And Natsuki's gonna have cupcakes, and Yuri I don't know what she'll be doing, and.." She stops and looks at me, going back to the regular form of walking. "Sorry. I actually was kind of expecting you'd do the typical thing of backing out at the last second. I probably shouldn't have assumed that. But I'm glad we may be finding something you can be passionate about besides that game. The one with the swords and the goblins." She of course means Oblivion Online, my main obsession. "Speaking of which..you didn't get any sleep last night did you? I can see those dark circles under your eyes. Doesn't that hurt?" "You get used to it, and that has nothing to do with how much I sleep, trust me. It's probably just hormones or whatever. You know I hate when you talk about my health..I happen to be doing just fine. Who wouldn't be a little depressed in my situation? Not to start feeling bad for myself." "It's ok to realize your situation isn't the greatest. I know your parents sort of checked out this year. Letting you do whatever you want pretty much. It's like they were waiting for you to be an adult so you won't have to be their problem much longer. Sad...but you should use that as motivation to improve. Even if it's as small as practicing your guitar. I know when you were young you talked about being a rockstar one day, then you got sucked into those games and just.." Yes, the video game lecture. I've heard it all before and you'd think Sayori wants to be my adoptive mother or something.
I interrupt her as the shadow of the school building overtakes us. "Oh, we're here. So you can relax now. I'm not going to stop playing my games, no matter how many times you tell me it'll lead to me being a lonely virgin. Believe it or not I accepted that a long time ago. In fact, they say at age 30 you get to become a wizard..only 12 more years to go!" She groans and I hold the door open for her. Before letting her go off to class alone. One day I'll probably come to regret brushing off her concerns, but in the moment I'm mostly just confused as to why she cares so much. It's not as if she'd ever date me. And there's no bitterness in that thought. It simply wouldn't cross her mind, not when we knew each other in kindergarten. She knows how damn weird it'd be. And yet in just under a month's time, I'd find myself questioning that entire line of thinking.