I Want to Become a Paladin. By Kondoru
Standard Disclaimers.
Dedicated to all of you out there who saw `The Dark Crystal` when it first came out and believed they were witnessing the best puppet show that would be ever made.
It was a good thing there was a podling in the gang. Hup would go off and periodically shop for them in the many podling settlements that they normally were careful to avoid. He was accepted, of course, and could speak the language (that no gelfling could be bothered to learn). Hup was Thra sent. Podlings were too innocent to ask difficult questions of harmless seeming strangers and they were too simple minded to get straight answers out of, even if threatened.
Today they were holed up in a small valley while Hup did his stuff. Deet, Brea and Kylan had gone off with him, to act as transport mainly. Though a gelfling was always interesting, particularly a Grotten, (who smelt a bit like a podling), a Vapran (miraculously not committing aggravated assault with soap and water) and a musician. (Who could remember long shopping lists).
The outcast Paladins sat around the fire, talking.
"Good thing our Brother Paladin is there to protect our gang" Rian said idly.
"A Podling Paladin, eh?" Said Naia with a rough grin, "I have heard it all now."
"I think it sweet." Rian countered.
Gurjin snorted, "Hup doesn't know what being a Paladin means."
"He certainly works hard at protecting Deet."
The others said nothing. There were all sorts of reasons why a podling might latch onto a gelfling of the opposite sex; being owned by them was the first…Something Deet always denied.
"Some like being a paladin." Rian shook his head in sadness. His entire life had hinged around paladinhood. Both his parents had been high ranking officers in the Castle of the Crystal. Rian could not imagine life without the safe and predictable structure of military service; without the secure environment of the Castle of the Crystal, without the benevolent Lords watching.
No, scratch that thought.
Until his world was turned upside down and inside out. Rian was now an outcast with all hands raised against him.
Some days he wondered.
It was Miras memory that kept him going. Mira who had kissed him, made him laugh.
Mira who had died screaming for help from her Lords while they watched and mocked.
And now his Father, dead by gobbles whom he should have been able to avoid…Dead at the hands of yet another Skeksis.
Truly he was cursed, Thra was cursed.
"Yes, being a Paladin is great fun." Naia started, adjusting her foot wraps.
"You get to eat Porridge and drink water while the Lords eat roast Nebrie and guts wine." Gurjin added.
"You have to sleep on hard beds in a cold, draughty barracks." Naia nodded to herself. "No visiting the boys barracks. Girls! Night is for sleeping." They all snickered at that.
"Your captains drill you until you are exhausted." Gurjin said.
"Don't look at me, the Captains only my dad." Rian said sadly. "And of course as his son I was drilled even harder."
"Then they sit you down in a classroom and you have to do the three `Rs`"(1) sighed Naia, "When you would rather be outside practicing your flying…you know, important stuff. Paladin life is particularly hard on us girls. We have to learn to fight as flat foots, to be disciplined, to be organised." She sniffed. "And we have to take drugs that prevent us getting pregnant…then the Eldress whacks us if we so much look at a boy!" She sighed, "by then, well, we are all boys now…"
"Kicked out of your bunks, and made to have a cold shower." Said Gurjin miserably.
"I though you Drenchen loved water?" Asked Rian.
"Water should have tadpoles in, to show you it's potable." He humphed, "this lifeless stuff, how do you know it's clean?"
"Periodically they scrub you raw, then rub you in a nasty substance that kills fleas and lice." Naia added.
"Not to mention the stuff they squirt in your lugs to kill ear mites." Gurjin paused, poking a finger in the offending appedetage. "Do you know my skin is meant to be green? But no, I have to be de alganated like everyone else."
"I don't like having ear mites" Said Rian, "they itch, and everyone stares so if you scratch in public."
"Ear mites are healthy and normal." Gurjin told him. "That Grotten girl has ear mites…And I expect our prospective podling paladin has fleas and lice, they always do."
"Our Princess hasn't parasites." Said Rian protectively.
"Instead of ear mites, she had una moths…it's a princess thing." Naia stated with a smirk
They all laughed at that.
"We will have to tell Brea that one." Rian had to laugh.
"Won't she go all Vapran uppity?" Asked Gurjin.
"She is an outcast…same as the rest of us." Growled Rian sadly. Brea had fallen from her position as the daughter of the All-Maudra, the ruler of the Gelfling clans, to the lowest form of life.
"You get beaten up for being big and strong" said Gurjin
"You get beaten up for being a girl." Added Naia.
"You get beaten up for being the Captains son…" Rian shook his head.
"Hurry up and wait!" Barked Gurjin suddenly and after a big start, and all looking around for the captain, all started laughing.
Gurjin, emboldened by this, gave a shit eating grin. "Oh, yes, and then there are the Skeksis." He put on a scratchy imitation of a Skeksis voice; "Come here Gelfling! Trousers down! Bend over!"
Rian and Naia laughed at that. "And you don't know if they are going to spank you or…"
Gurjin lowered his voice sinisterly. "Are you a good gelfling or a bad gelfling?" He rounded upon his sister.
Naia put on a pathetic pleading voice, "Oh, please, my Lord, not this way…LET ME GO ON TOP…" And she put out her wings and quivered them, not in a way as to threaten a rival, but to signal readiness to mate.
Rian had hysterics. He clamped a clump of his hair between his teeth so as to stop himself laughing too loud.
Or wept.
Gurjin jumped up and grabbed his sister by the scruff. "I knew it! You are a Bad gelfling! All Gelfling Bad gelfling…Making advances to me before my second lunch…Spank now…After second lunch I see you… BRING YOUR FRIENDS." He shook Naia meaningfully.
"Yes my Lord…I will do. PLEASE LET ME GO FIRST" The wing quivering continued.
The Drenchen turned around to see Rian rolling around on the ground.
"Rian? Have you pissed yourself yet?" Gurjin asked. "My jokes aren't funny until everyone is wet."
Rian squealed, got up and ran into the bushes.
Naia smiled. "A close thing."
Rian emerged, face flustered. He sat back down with a sigh. "I'm so glad to see you are back to normal, Gurjin."
In reply to that Gurjin gave a wince,
"And the worse thing…yes, it's all true." Naia smiled.
Gurjin nodded. He started to cry. "I gave my life to the Lords of the Crystal…and in return I was tortured until I confessed to the Skeksis lies….you have seen the marks on me."
They all had.
After rescuing her brother, Naia had nothing she could have used as bandages but she had sufficient herbal knowledge to make poultices, which had been stuffed under Gurjins already filthy clothing.
It was good that Drenchen were not prone to infection.
It was only after they had rescued Brea, Deet, Hup and the Paladins that they were able to strip Gurjin down and give both him and his garments a through wash.
Gurjin had been worked over thoroughly. His muscular frame was covered in bruises.
There were burn marks on his flanks where he had been jabbed with an armaling shock prod.
The skin on his wrists and ankles had been worn away where he had fought against ill-fitting shackles.
Part of Rians training had been concerned with restraint and interrogation of prisoners, -seemingly no Paladin had been involved in Gurjins custody. (As technically in an internal castle situation they should have been). You did not use shock prods designed for use on tough, armoured creatures on gelfling.
Nor did you starve prisoners. Gurjin had been fed very little in the weeks since Rians escape.
This was all Skeksis work.
Worst of all was the set of four bladed cuts just below his shoulder blades where the vril extraction probes had been inserted into his flesh.
Gurjin had been within an inch of being drained. He would bear those stigmata for the rest of his life.
Deet had gone pale under her algae layer and Kylan had been very sick.
They had to show the Ha`rar Paladins just what had been done to their Castle brother; Naia had (With much reluctance; even she wasn't sure what would be found) stripped her brother naked, even including his clout.
There were bruises, well, in places that didn't bear thinking about.
Gurjin had broken down, snivelling silently. He leaned against his sister, clinging to her as if he would never let go.
The Paladins had gone very pale. Some of them were weeping too.
They had no weapons but some gave what they could, undershirts and a cloak. Deet had several layers of silk on her and she spared one for bandages.
Gurjin had not complained but somehow that made things worse.
The gang had walked to his pace, they made sure he ate every day even if they went without, and he wasn't requested to carry anything except the Ha`rar Paladin cloak he now wore to keep warm.
Whenever Gurjin flagged one of the others would stop and dreamfast with him of happy times.
He was slowly getting better but more rest and food would have helped.
All were silent
Gurjin looked up, a fey expression on his face. "A loyal gelfling serves his Lord…" He sang softly.
"LIES!" Shouted Naia,
"…And always gets his just reward…"
"BIG LIES!" Rian added.
The shoppers returned, chattering in a manner that seemed somehow too cheery for their quest.
All were bearing sacks and bundles.
"Rian!" Called Deet. "Successful trip! Hup persuaded the Father he is a Paladin."
"They only laughed a little…" Kylan butted in. "We have Nebrie milk…drink up, already had ours." He handed a skin to Gurjin.
Nebrie milk was very nutritious and they all could manage some time on it alone.
Brea sank down, she was wearing a knitted cap. "I backed him up…said he was knighted by the All-Maudra." She looked at Deet who smiled innocently. "It's true isn't it?"
"Sort of." Deet added. "Anyhow the Father was very keen to help us on our important quest; look at all the things were have got."
They had several waxed cheeses, a sack of oatmeal and another sack of roots.
Bread had a couple of mounder wool blankets. Also a length of linen cloth. Podling clothing would not have fitted their much larger bodies
None of the company except Brea possessed cobbler made footwear but they had the knowledge to make moccasins, far more common for many gelfling. So Kylan had purchased a tanned nebrie hide.
It was Kylan who had planned the equipment needed. Though he would not be much use in a fight, Kylan could organise important thing like food and supplies in a way that Brea knew nothing about, Deet was uncertain of and the Paladins had never needed to learn. He was also good at cooking, soft diplomacy, music and storytelling. Truly they needed Kylan.
Lastly Hup showed off his new equipage.
A long gelfling made skinning knife, big for podling hands but could make a short sword. Hup wore a too large grin on his homely face. He need fear no arathim now.
"We will have to teach you how to use that." Gurjin said thoughtfully.
"Thra needs more Paladins like Hup." Rian replied grimly.
The Three `Rs`-fundamental teaching in schools in the old days; Reading, Writing and Arithmetic.
(Now you know why Britons of the older generation are so confused).