The school day goes by the same way as usual, which is to say entirely too slowly. I nap through physics and spend every other class drawing and pretending to pay attention. The only class that really interests me is World History, but damn is it a lot to remember. I can't think of a scenario in which being able to list every Chinese dynasty will benefit me, but let's all be honest with ourselves here. If they taught us how to file taxes and buy a house, we wouldn't pay attention to that either. Free knowledge is wasted on the youth who'd rather be at home playing games. I have no idea how I'm going to survive college when every class is not only much harder, but comes with the pressure of my parents' money being wasted if I fail. All that so I can be an accountant or something. Or whatever the fuck people even do in office jobs. Spreadsheets or whatever. Attend meetings and drink coffee. My sense of humor would probably get me sent to HR (How on Earth am I expected to find a girlfriend and make her my wife?) and I'll get home too exhausted to play games. Yes, this really is the peak of my golden days.
After class, I look over at my notes to remember what room the music club is being held in. I feel strangely nervous, and I know it's because from what I've heard, every other member is female. It seems to be a small club at the moment, from what details I was able to get from Sayori, it sounds like they won't be large enough to be an actual club if I don't join. So in a small way I'm playing hero for a group of ladies. Yes, I'm their knight in shining black t-shirt and jeans. Don't forget the basketball shoes even though I can't remember the last time I played basketball. Truly I am a magnificent specimen of gentlemanly prestige as I appear at the door of room 315 and knock on it. Waiting an awkward bit of time before deciding to just push it open. There I'm greeted by the sight of 4 girls, Sayori included. And I ask myself just what I've gotten into.
"Oh, Bruce is here!" Sayori chirps and makes her way over to me. Ushering me in and closing the door behind me. "I knew at least you'd show up. I've been asking all the goth freaks- no offense- and you're the first one to actually make it here!" "The..goth freaks?" Is that what I am now? I didn't sign up for it. What are the requirements? Dressing in black and acting surly? "You know what I mean. You don't like being called a freak? What about that facebook post from 2 years ago? You called yourself a freak back then. Anyway, all the kids who are into the experimental kinds of punk and thrash, or the more obscure indie rock. All the pop and classical fans will end up here regardless, but getting all the metalheads to come out of their shell is the real challenge." It sounds like she's put a lot of thought and effort into getting new members. I suppose that makes it easier for the club president to organize events if she doesn't have to think about recruiting. Nagging and wheedling are Sayori's strong suit I guess.
The club president is Monika, and I can tell she's the club president because she's the one sitting in the largest desk. Sure enough she introduces herself as such. She's very formal, but not in the "Stick up her ass" kind of way. Definitely a classical pianist. She would not appreciate my jokes about the word pianist, and I wisely refrain. Instead sticking with the standard nice to meet you stuff. Her green eyes glint with what I don't realize at the moment is a bit of attraction, and she takes me around to introduce me to the others. Which really just means Natsuki, the pink haired kpop fan that was mentioned earlier. She's a bit of a sour bitch but I guess I'll get used to her. And Yuri, who I'm surprised to find out is the other metalhead of the group. If not for the high school stereotype mandated Invader Zim backpack and Death Note notebook, I never would have thought she was into anything dark, angsty, or dare I say "Freaky and goth." She's a very timid girl who hardly says a word to anyone in the club. Seeming more focused on the song lyrics she's writing. Could this be the one for me? It's wishful thinking and it would be forward to try any real flirting yet. But when Monika mentions quietly that Yuri could use a friend, it has that part of my brain that produces hope and anticipation firing.
I end up sitting across from Yuri, and in the process I get a stunning view of her chest. What, you didn't really think I'd go without mentioning that did you? I'm a man, unfortunately as some may see it, and this is Yuri we're talking about. Not that she wears anything revealing, but there's only so much you can do to hide those things. Ok, I'll stop. Because those of you screaming about misogyny are right, that really isn't what's important. Her personality is what intrigues me, the only problem is that I can barely get a word out of her. And when I do manage, we don't click quite as perfectly as I'd like. She's less into the old school stuff like I am, and she even tells me she's never actually listened to a full Metallica album. Well, that's all right I guess. She probably thinks similarly about my lack of experience with Slipknot and Breaking Benjamin. But at least it gives us something to talk about. Though mostly she's still scrawling in her book. She writes what seems to be a more freeform poetry, and I talk her into letting me look.
Still Remembering You
A slow yet manic drumbeat
Backed by a synthetic piano from my dreams
I don't know why you left me, all those years ago
Was it something I said? Or something I didn't say?
Was it all the things I promised I'd never do?
You're fading from memory, but you're still there.
I can't forget you. Here at the End of Time.
It's interesting, that's for sure. I definitely can't imagine putting it to music, unless it's some slow classical piece. And...that actually gives me an idea. Yes, I'm going to take initiative for once. "Yuri, may I show this to Monika? Only if you're ok with it, but I think she'd like this. And since she plays piano, maybe you could do a dramatic reading of it while she plays. Or I could. Or- not that I necessarily need to, but you're probably so shy speaking in public and.." the more I talk the more she looks like she wants to sink into her seat. Or maybe slap me. I'm not good at reading her yet. No, she's definitely just nervous because she doesn't outright reject the idea. "Well..I'd have to clean it up a bit, and make it longer. Do you know what it's about by chance?" I think that I do, but the way she asks has me wondering. "It's..a break up, I suppose. Listening to sad music and trying to get over someone. I can't say I'd know that feeling well. Haven't been in a serious relationship." I give her a bit of a smile with that last sentence. I'm not really ashamed to be inexperienced, I'm only 18 for god's sake. Most people would say I'm still too young to think about dating. But teenagers will always make mistakes and I'm well aware of the stereotype of crying your heart out while listening to sappy pop music. Of course, the teasing from some of my peers doesn't always make me feel good. Deep down they probably think I'll die alone, and maybe I will. I kind of don't mind being alone. Yet when I look at a girl like Yuri..am I going crazy, or do I actually have a crush on her? It's not a secret that she's my type. I get so lost in thought I almost don't pay attention to her response.
"It was supposed to be about dementia. Suppose I didn't exactly make it obvious. But you know, the part about remembering? I got the idea from a vaporwave project I listened to the other night. It used pop music from the 80s to represent how it feels to lose all your most cherished memories. I guess it could also be about depression, maybe even alcoholism. Or just any kind of slow, painful downward spiral. But the fanbase definitely agrees it's about dementia so that's what I went with. Yet I also tried to keep the writing vague so the reader can have their own interpretation. For example you thinking it's about a breakup. I'm glad you liked it in any case. But I feel like my writing is terrible lately. I haven't had the motivation I used to." Once Yuri gets talking about her work she opens up a lot more easily. And it gives me an opening to mention my guitar playing. How I struggle to find motivation to practice. Distracted by games. And the odds of me becoming a famous musician are about the same as becoming a streamer or something. Either way, neither one are likely career paths. Just, fun hobbies until we all have to grow up. We share a small sad moment at that thought.
"I'd like to hear you play some time. Even though what you like is a bit different from the stuff I'm used to. I'm starting to appreciate old music more. And..." She looks like she's about to say something else. Perhaps something cheeky about how women love a guitar player? No, she wouldn't be so forward. To think I almost consider inviting her over as if she was one of my guy friends. Or Sayori on occasion. No, that's how the rumors about dating my best friend become rumors about cheating on her. I really have to do something to set the record straight on that one day. I can definitely meet in the middle though. "I'll bring my guitar to school tomorrow. You'll probably be stuck with acoustic though, no way Monika would let me bring an amp in here. That and you know...kind of sounds like a pain in the ass just thinking about it. Bringing a guitar and amp to school, yeah I don't have the confidence to try to explain that to everyone when I walk in the door.." Yuri laughs a little. She definitely understands lack of confidence. "That's ok. Maybe..." Again she hesitates. Shaking her head and then taking a deep breath. "I was going to say it'd be easier to come over to your house but for one thing I have no idea if our parents would allow it, and another..I wouldn't want to give anyone ideas." And with that, we're left sitting awkwardly together as other students slowly trickle in the door. And I'm not sure if I just got friendzoned or not.
Regardless of any awkwardness between us, Yuri continue our casual chat about music and poetry, and I find that she's actually a lot more knowledgeable than me on literature. In fact she was even considering starting her own literature club until she found this one. Well, it's a good thing I'm not in a club like that. Not only does it sound horrifically boring (I refrain from saying that to Yuri) but also...I can at least talk about music even if I'm hardly a musician. I'm certainly no writer, and I don't know anything about books beyond a few horror stories and dystopias. To my pleasant surprise, Yuri is a fan of those genres as well, though I guess that makes sense. She and I really do have a lot in common with our interests.
Most of the new students that come in end up grouped around Monika. Aside from being the club president, she's also one of the more popular girls in school. Good for her. You probably thought I'd do the thing where I get jealous of her or something, but actually Monika is a pretty wholesome individual. Her being popular makes sense. That being said, I can't imagine I'd have much to talk about with her. I'm content in this small circle I have, with only one other guy sitting between Yuri and I, looking between us and choosing to simply listen. Occasionally butting in with the "Oh yeah I know Megadeth I think" type comments but otherwise letting us vibe. I need more friends like that, ones that don't get in the way too much of my romantic conquests. I'm indulging myself by thinking about Yuri that way, but..well if you saw her you'd know. All right, I'll do the thing where I try to describe her in vivid detail.
I already mentioned her chest, I don't need to talk about that anymore. Her eyes are a purple color, surely those are contacts. It's a very cute aesthetic, though I'm curious what her natural eye color is. I would guess brown, similar to how I imagine her purple streaked hair is normally a solid black. She's obviously of Asian descent, probably Japanese like what is common in this area. A lot of people get sensitive about that kind of talk, but I couldn't describe her very well without mentioning that could I? Just like how my Germanic roots would be relevant to my blue eyes and blonde hair, but never you mind that. Maybe I should have just left everyone's appearance a mystery.
I notice that Natsuki is still sitting alone, and for a moment I feel bad for her. Surely she can't be that hard to put up with, can she? Yes I may have called her a sour bitch earlier, but well...the first thing she did was complain about me being male, so take that for what you will. I'm told she's responsible for making the cupcakes of which I indulged in only one so as not to be the lardy mcfatass that only comes for the snacks. And it certainly was a cupcake. Better than what you get at the store for sure. I'm not a food critic. She notices me staring at her, and just to be nice I try and offer to let her sit with us. She makes a snide comment about how I gravitated towards Yuri, and that was that. And it's then that I notice Sayori sit across from her. Fulfilling the role of giving the pink haired girl some company. What would I do without you Sayori?
"Natsuki takes a while to open up to people I'm afraid. But she's not so bad when you get to know her. She's actually been a good friend to me most of the time." Yuri now had a tea cup in her hands, looking very posh as she observed the room. "I'm more into coffee.." I mention offhandedly. It occurs to me that doesn't really make sense regarding what she just says, so I point at the cup in her hands. "That's what I was...so, you're friends with Natsuki?" I return to the subject at hand. She doesn't seem to mind the strange pace of the conversation. "Every now and then we have our arguments, but..it's not really her fault. I shouldn't say anything." Maybe one day when we get to know each other better she'll spill the beans? I shouldn't speculate too much. All I'll say is that bright colors are a warning that an animal is poisonous.
The club meeting draws to a close, and Yuri and I are again left alone at the table. The other guy that was sitting with us saw one of his friends and went to join him. I could swear he gave me a look as he moved away, like he was rooting for me or something. Nice guy. I'll probably talk to him a grand total of 3 times before I graduate, and one day 30 years from now I'll look back on him and act as if we were the best of friends. "Well, I guess this is.." "Yeah.." Yuri closes her book where she keeps her writings. She let me look at a few more things, all with that strange dementia theme. As well as song lyrics that I'm not sure if she actually wrote or copied from an existing midwest emo song. I'm not judging her. My notebook is full of swords, dragons and various demonic beasts. Last year it was guns and...edgy symbols. Yeah you know the ones. I'm in high school, I'm allowed to be edgy. "I'll bring my guitar tomorrow, and show you what little I've picked up. Without an amp to make it sound cool, I may be forced to play actual notes.." She laughs a little at this, and I feel my hopes soar for us actually being in a relationship. Yes, by this point I've accepted the fact I'm going to be crushing hard on this girl for the rest of the school year. Nothing will probably even come of it, and that's all right. When I'm 32 I'll meet a girl who's 27 and getting over a 5 year long relationship and that will be who I end up losing my virginity to. Yes, I have that planned out.
"Walk me home today?" Sayori asks as the room clears out. She was with a small group of friends before, and a part of me almost thinks I heard some vulnerability in the question. Yuri has already left and it's just the two of us. My ability to read people clearly isn't the greatest. But Sayori never sounded so much like a lost puppy until this time of asking me to walk her home. I won't say no to her. It would just be mean to turn her down. That and our houses are in the same direction, so I'd have to go out of my way to not walk home with her. What I don't know yet, but will find out, is that this will be one of the most awkward walks of my life.