Where things are put into perspective...
Since returning to Seattle Ana and I have reestablish our relationship. Relieved that this nightmare is over. To my surprise she told me she wanted to talk to a therapist to sort some things out. Get over some of her insecurities. Maybe she'd join me on the couple counseling sessions with Flynn.
Two steps forward, one step back. Ana couldn't let this money business go. I stopped counting how often she tried to find out how much I paid in the end. Until one day I completely lost it and told her she could have taken it all. All of my money, my assets, my business. Everything. After leaving me it felt like she already did, to be honest. It was only a matter of time until l sold everything off and became a celibate monk in a monastery. At least that's how miserable I felt.
She did shut up after that and hasn't mentioned it ever since. Finally setting an end to the Escort issue.
As expected Taylor couldn't find Sheila's whereabouts. Ana was devastated for several days, blaming herself. Even though I never met Sheila I felt the same. How did all of this happen? The reality of it felt surreal.
Fueled by the bad news, a feeling has been nagging me in the depths of my being. A question has risen in me. A question without an answer.
What about the other women in EEs claws? Leila, Sandra. Even Vicky, who was the result of my imagination.
I know life isn't fair. Heck. I've experienced that first hand with my introduction to life. But coming close to what EE is doing… In what kind of fucked up world do we even live in?
I'm sure there are plenty of women who want to have this profession. Elliot's ex girlfriend was a stripper and I clearly remember that she was proudly one. Back then I was kind of judgmental, I even tried to talk him out of dating her. Now, I have to say I acted like a fucking idiot with a stick up his ass. I can't believe I was such a moron back then.
Ana did change me. Even if it wasn't her intention. And even if she never really wanted to be in this profession. Somehow she has become the advocate for sexual workers for me. I wonder if she has the slightest idea what profound effect she had on me and my life this past year.
Now, I can't help but wonder about those women who aren't into his profession because they want to. But because they have to… Out of desperation? Or being helpless or alone? Taken advantage of just because they are female?
Why is the world still a place where woman's bodies can be used as currency. Prostitution has been the oldest profession…Thousands of years later, can't we value women more than their bodies and give them the respect they deserve?
I feel sick.
Even if a single woman in this country is doing it out of desperation.. Wouldn't that be the outmost bad testimony for our society? And EE has shown me one thing… there is definitely loads of woman entangled with them.
It isn't a coincidence that they choose woman that are desperate. Isolated. Without a safety net. Women who won't be heard if they dare to speak out. Theoretically. EE would snatch them away before they could even do so. And most of them don't have a rich man to „save" them.
I have to say I'm getting more and more disgusted with my peers. There wouldn't be a market if there wasn't a buyer. We are the problem. And not just the elite. Sure, the rich guys, have organizations like EE, buying the most beautiful women's company. But what about the sex tourism for the mediocre consumer? Aren't those taking advantage of the poverty and helplessness of women in developing countries? Sure they do. And the world is just watching.
Jack Hyde is the best example. The second he finds out Ana is a sex worker he gives himself the permission to treat her like trash. Perversely, women loose their value as human beings in the eyes of predators the moment their 'virtue' gets questioned.
Where do I stand in all of this?
To my utter dismay I'm equally guilty. Funny how my fucked up past has actually nothing to do with my wrongdoings for once.
No. The problems lies with myself. Being totally oblivious to mistreatment, unfairness of women in our society. And maybe I have persuaded myself that my past contractual relationships were totally fine and never out of bound. Surely some of them were. However among the fifteen, how could I be so sure that those women actually weren't looking for something else than sexual encounters? Maybe.. I did take advantage of my money and power to get them to be with me? Meeting Leila opened my eyes on that. I never should have bathed her, regardless of my intentions. For any bystander my actions could be heavily misleading even though I know I had no sexual intentions in mind. Still, didn't I take advantage of my position in power to soothe my strained conscience? Just to make me feel better about myself? Or did I actually help her for her own sake?
And don't get me started on my visits to the BDSM clubs… Yeah, there is a fine line and I have crossed it without even knowing.
What can I do now? I, as one of the most powerful men in one of the most powerful countries in the world, have done nothing – nothing- against women being pushed into roles they don't want to be in.
I'm fucking ashamed of myself.
Angrily, I come to a stand.
Slowly I feel something is creeping up on me for the second time today. As if I wasn't feeling bad enough.
My own birth mother was a prostitute.
All I ever felt towards her was anger and hate. How she could be such a failure. How she could let all of this happen.
But what if she wasn't the failure? What if she didn't mean for all of this to happen? Nobody is born and decides to be a drug addict. Addiction is a disease not a choice. What could have happened to her that she even got addicted in the first place…? Shit. I just can't forget what happened to Leila, it felt far too familiar. I never even thought about that. I was too angry to even regard my birth mother as a human being. An unfortunate, miserable human being.
She is guilty of bringing me into all of this, for sure. The best she could have done was at least put me up for adoption. I have to accept that people aren't divided into good and bad. The same way that the world isn't black and white. It's.. Fifty shades of grey. Something in between. It makes it harder to judge other people. Even more to hate them..
Staring out the window I see Seattle below my feet. My reflection stares back at me. I feel this stinging in my eyes and turn around.
It's official. I've gone soft.
Yes, I need to push back a tear or two. I can't deny it. All of this has hit me closer to home than I've ever imagined. After a deep breath I can collect myself a little more.
I'm Christian fucking Grey. CEO. Billionaire. I've been trying to feed the world in the past. Pay it back. Do some good. Yeah, I have been abused in my childhood. By her. By him. I have been hungry. So the only logical consequence for me was to be philanthropic in that field, right?
Feed the world, Grey. It will make it a better place. That's been my mantra.
Yeah, right. And disregard everything that has even led to that. At least my parents are decent enough to fundraise for families with addiction problems. Well that's something. Although not the essence of it. Half of my childhood trauma was because she sold herself to him. Giving him access to me. Maybe our life would have taken a different route if she was only an addict and didn't slither into prostitution.
If, if, if. There's too much uncertainty of what could have been. In the end it doesn't matter what could have happened. This is the world we live in. That was my life and unfortunately still is the reality for others. Ana could have been one of them. I shudder at the thought.
I hear the elevator open.
"Ana." I say and it's almost as if I've taken my first breath after a long deep dive underwater. "You're here." I breathe and take her into a firm embrace. Her chest crushes into mine by the force I pull her into me.
"Of course, like always after work. I live here remember…?" She says, confused.
"Do you know how much I love you?" I ask and pull slightly away to look her in the eye.
"Yes. I feel exactly the same." She leans up to brush her lips on mine. "Are you alright? Have you been crying?" She musters me with suspicion. Gently she brushes my hair from my forehead after having a closer look at me.
"You have no idea what you've done to me. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself." I say and pull her to my chest. Inhaling her scent and closing my eyes to take this moment all in.
She remains quiet while we stand in our close embrace.
"What's going on?" she asks into my chest. "Are you having second thoughts?" she asks.
What the fuck. Seems like we still have a long way ahead of us to be on the same page.
I hold her further apart to look her in the eye.
"No." Wait. Does she?
"Me neither." She says, smiling.
"I'm just glad you won't be my Escort anymore."
This story began with Christian POV and ends with it respectively. I hope you enjoyed it!
Next up: Epilog