Disclaimer: I don't own TWD in any way shape or form. Just the characters I've added.
Rated M for violence, gore, and adult themes.
Trigger warning for mention of suicide.
I'm paralyzed, I'm scared to live, but I'm scared to die
And if life is pain, then I buried mine
A long time ago, but it's still alive
-NF
DPOV
A little dark-haired boy had been sobbing over his dog's body since Dan had stepped out of the tree line. He now sat in the grass in front of a bed of disturbed earth. Silent. Motionless.
Empty.
When the two head honchos of this ragtag group of survivors had gone to gently relay the sanitized version of his father's death, he'd stared at them with wet, red eyes for a long moment, small shoulders heaving. Then he'd collapsed right there on the pavement. Both men had been quick to grab him up while a pregnant woman and a blonde girl yelped in fright. At the old man's instruction, the boy had been carried over to the Chevy and settled into the backseat.
"It's the shock," the white-haired man had told them, calm and sure. "It's all been too much. He'll come out of it when he's ready."
Yeah, it'd all been way too much for any person to have to endure in one day. Attacked by strangers, terrified for your life, watching your dog be killed by those strangers, and then finding out your dad had died. Most adults wouldn't be able to suffer that without breaking down, let alone a small child.
Dan was just glad they'd spared the poor kid the grisly truth of how his father died.
Looking like he was deciding whether to throw a punch or just throw up, the big black man the other two had arrived with had stalked off toward the Hyundai. T-Dog. That's what they'd called him. He'd grabbed a shovel from the back and found a patch of grass on the side of the road far away from the dead men they'd dragged there. With determination, he'd dug out a respectable grave for the dog.
He'd had the hulking canine in the ground and half buried when the boy had come to. His dark eyes had looked at the bloody spot where his dog had lain and then shot around the group with fierce accusation. Dan didn't know the kid, but even he could see the beginnings of an explosion.
"T-Dog's burying him," a scrawny little girl had said, quick but soft. While the adults around them hung in the balance, unsure how to proceed with the orphaned child, the girl had stepped in without hesitation. "C'mon. Let's go help put Red to rest."
She'd taken the boy's hand and led him away. The broad man, drenched in sweat by then, had been more than willing to oblige the little girl's request to let the boy take over the shovel. When the kid was worn out and was about to cry at his inability to carry on and finish the task for his dog, the girl gently asked if she could do it for him. With a shaky nod of approval, he'd handed over the shovel and stood back to supervise.
As soon as the grave was filled, he'd sat himself in front of it and hadn't moved for anything. The girl had stayed by his side, and eventually the other two boys had joined them. A small, solemn, silent funeral. It was the first time Thao had let go of Jenna since she'd scooped him up to soothe him, and he'd only left her side after she'd assured him she was okay.
"If they're gonna stay there, someone best keep watch," the man wielding a crossbow had pointed out. "Don't want anymore damn surprises outta them trees."
And so, T-Dog stood leaning against a car with one hand on a holstered gun as he eyed the tree line. He seemed to want to stay away from the rest, still looking like he hadn't settled on anger or disgust.
"You knew," Dan said to Jenna as they stood by the Falcon. She brought her eyes up to his away from the backs of the kids' heads in the distance. Behind the dark circles was a thick sheen of guilt. "You knew what they were doing out there today. With the kid's father."
She nodded, swallowing hard as she looked back at the kids. "Yeah. I didn't help plan it or anything, and Shane and Rick didn't know I figured it out...but I knew."
And she hadn't stopped it, and the guilt was weighing on her more and more as the minutes ticked by. He recalled her reaction as the Hyundai had pulled to a stop and their people had stepped out. Instead of relief at their safe return, she'd looked like she was about to pass out, just as the boy had later. At first he'd wondered if she'd been anticipating Rick's hostile reaction. Then the man had laid out his story and his justifications, and Dan had seen her reacting to it beside him...and he'd understood.
"Sounds like Rick had his reasons," he surmised, leaning against the bumper and feeling the familiar surface under his palm. "What about you, Mouse?" he asked gently. "Why'd you keep quiet?"
She moved to sit next to him, orienting herself so she could keep an eye on her boy and another on the rest of the group. Dan found himself doing the same. Since the other three had shown up, he'd been keeping one eye on Rick and the other on Jenna. He knew that gun had been aimed his way first. Knew she'd been the one to press it to her own head. But something about the sight of some man holding a gun between her eyes just didn't let him forgive and forget.
It had taken everything in him not to throw her out of his way. She would've made it hard, and Rick wouldn't have had a clear shot, but he'd still almost done it anyway. And when the gun had finally been lowered, Dan had nearly been overwhelmed with the urge to grab that hand cannon and crack him across the face with it on principle.
Her new man Shane seemed to share the sentiment, and something in his expression told him he would've stood back and let Dan do it. Maybe even helped. He'd been just a moment away from going after Rick himself, kicking and screaming child over his shoulder and all.
"I didn't want him dead," she began. As low as her voice was, he could hear the undercurrent of pain in it clear as day. "He wasn't my fucking problem anymore and I was glad about that...but I didn't want him dead. But he was poison, like Rick said. And if he would've just killed himself, it would've been better for the rest of us. Instead that selfish bastard had to go the suicide by cop route."
He could hear the internal conflict in her words, and in the tension in her voice. The blame warring with the guilt.
"He lost his wife and his daughter early on...and it ate him up. And I think he wanted to die too, but he couldn't while Luis was still alive. So he was pissed. Angry that he'd lost them, angry that he was alive, angry that we weren't in the same boat. And he just got worse and worse as the days went on. Didn't even pretend to be nice to Luis anymore. And Dale...he thought he could help him. Thought he could pull him back. Instead, Gabe just saw an opportunity to make one of us as miserable as he was. All that time Dale spent one-on-one with him, trying to save him."
She shook her head, a shadow over her face as she stared off into the distance.
"And if I'd been paying attention, I would've seen it before it was too late. But I didn't, because I didn't want to. And then he was as empty and broken inside as Gabe, only instead of letting himself become as fucking poisonous as he was, he killed himself. Because Dale never wanted to hurt anyone."
He turned all of it over in his mind a few times as they sat side-by-side. The rest of her group had been kind enough to give them some space, and he appreciated that. They'd gotten off to a bit of a shaky start, but now that things had more or less settled he could see they were good people. Jury was still out on Rick, but there had to be a reason Jenna had stayed. He knew she'd never just go along with it for Shane's sake, if she really didn't trust his friend. She wouldn't allow herself to be led by someone she didn't have faith in.
"Rick said he tried the same with you," he began, the idea of it sending echoes of protective ire bouncing around his heart. "Why you? Did he have a reason, or was it just random?"
A tired huff of a laugh escaped her as she shook her head again, eyes casting down to the asphalt before them. "No, it wasn't random. He fucking hated me, and by the end, the feeling was very mutual."
"Why?"
She tilted her head back, the waning evening sun throwing beams of gold through her hair and across her face as she dragged her hands through the messy mane. It was shorter than he remembered, and he wondered what had happened to it. She never would've cut it like that.
"That is a long story," she said eventually, voice as far away as her eyes.
He nodded, seeing the weight of it all over her. "We've got time, Mouse. And somethin' tells me you need to let it out." Her bright eyes moved back over to him, and in them he could see the shadows of whatever horrors she'd gone through in his absence. They cut right into him. He turned toward her fully and held her by the shoulders as she did the same. "I'm right here. I've got you. That hasn't changed, okay? I promise, there's nothin' you could tell me that would change that. So whatever it is that's fuckin' haunting you, let it out."
She'd let him open the dam and let some of his horrors wash over her. It was time to give her the same relief. She just had to remember that she always had him there to keep her from buckling under the weight of everything that tried to crush her. She hadn't had that in so long, maybe she'd forgotten she didn't have to carry it all on her own. Not while he was there.
After taking in a long, slow breath, she let it out in a rattling stream. He knew she was ready. "Start from the beginning," he prompted gently, squeezing her shoulders to remind her she had him to lean on.
She nodded, opened her eyes, and opened up the floodgates as she told him everything.
SPOV
More than one gun had been used on Boone. Shane could tell by the holes in his body. Not only that, but three of the four bullets had hit him at near point-blank range. He was no ballistics expert, but familiar enough with guns and the damage they caused to know the one in the gut looked to have been fired from a distance. It matched what Daryl had said about Dan shooting him down from the trees.
The rest was all rage. No need to put three more bullets in the man if he was already down, and none of the group would've wasted ammo like that. Not even in the heat of the moment.
"It was Daryl."
He turned around to see Dusty approaching, one hand on the head of the hatchet she wore at her belt. There was a cold disdain in her expression he hadn't seen before as she came up beside him and regarded the dead man in the overgrown median strip. Flies were already buzzing around the large hole in his face.
"Sounds like he had it comin'," Shane muttered. He understood the impulse. Even looking at the man's dead body, he wanted to pop off a few rounds into him.
"You ask me, he deserved a lot worse," she said, voice as dark as her expression. "The way he had his hands on Maggie. Lookin' right at Hershel an' Beth an' laughin', tellin' Glenn what a lucky man he is." Shane spit out a breath of contempt, glad the douchebag was dead and gone. "Then Jen goes an' offers to trade places, tries to get him to leave the rest of us be. He was only interested in the first part, an' that bastard was lovin' every damn second. God, the way he had his hands on her...an' Jen knowin' damn well she couldn't fight him, not without riskin' all our lives, too. Then that bastard had the gall to wipe her tears away before he hauls her off, tellin' her she'll be alright, it won't hurt... I wanted to rip his goddamn throat out with my bare hands."
Shane did, too. He stood glaring at the dead man at his feet, wishing he could drag him back to life just so he could rip him apart nice and slow. And his brave and stupid wife, throwing herself into the line of fire...no doubt fixing what she thought was her mistake. He looked around to his left, across the smattering of their vehicles and to the very end. Jenna stood with Dan, both of them leaning toward each other and having what looked like a real heart-to-heart.
He thought of the fresh split on her lip, the way the skin was a little raised around it. He thought of the woman he'd met back at the quarry who almost couldn't stand to be touched, and tried and failed not to picture her forcing herself to walk right into a dangerous man's hold.
Do you know what he almost did to Jenna?
Almost. Shane was hanging onto that one word with both hands, and thought it might be the only thing keeping him from losing it. It hadn't happened. But enough of a line had been crossed for there to still be some mental scars, he was sure. He'd only ever seen her cry a handful of times, in the face of some truly godawful shit. She must've been so afraid of what she was sure was coming.
"I don't know how much you two talk about all the hard things when the rest of us ain't there to listen, but you really need to keep an eye on her," Dusty said after giving him a few moments to seethe. "She's not okay. An' she knows it. She told me as much herself today, before Boone showed up."
"She's been a lot better," he said, a little defensive on her behalf.
"She ain't tryin' to kill ya in her sleep, you mean?" Dusty challenged. All he could do was blink at her, stunned that she knew. "Maybe because she's hardly sleepin'. Too damn scared of what'll happen if she does. Maybe she was better. I dunno, she keeps it all to her damn self. But this thing with Morales really messed her up, Shane. She figured out what y'all were gonna do to him today...an' she didn't stop ya. Ate her up so bad for the rest of the day, she had a goddamn panic attack right in front of me."
He swallowed hard, letting this new information dig its claws into him. Here he'd thought he'd just have to be worried about whether or not she'd forgive him for helping Rick kill Morales, and for keeping it from her. He never would've imagined it'd have such an impact on her mind, on her heart. A panic attack? That just wasn't like her. And he didn't know whether it was just Morales, or if she'd been playing it off like she was a lot better than she actually was.
"She didn't have a plan, Shane." Dusty looked back at him with angry, glassy eyes, shaking her head. "She was really gonna let that bastard keep her, as long as it kept the rest of us safe. Like it was on her, for not killin' him before. Today she told me she's still alive because she was too scared to kill herself. An' I don't know if that was a long time ago, or when she was lost an' lookin' for Thao, or...or if it was more recent. I don't know. I just know that I'm so afraid for her, Shane. Because I don't know if she really wants to live, or if she's just lookin' for a way to die without puttin' a gun to her head."
The image of Rick's gun pressed to her head sliced across his mind like a knife. He clenched his jaw so hard it ached, and he had to make himself loosen it back up to get a word through his teeth. "She ain't. She's not a hundred percent anymore, if she ever was when we met her...but she's not suicidal." He let out a steadying breath, dragging his hand down his face. "She meant before...a long time ago. Before Thao. She told me about that, back on that first night at Hershel's place."
Dusty gave him a long, searching look, delving in deep. Then she nodded and wiped her eyes, smearing the tear streaks across her bruised face. "I hope you're right." She turned and looked around at where Jenna stood with Dan. "I hope this was the miracle she needed, because she needed one."
"I'm sorry," he said when she started to walk off. She stopped and turned, frowning at him. "I'm sorry we weren't here today, when we should'a been."
She nodded again, her expression almost sympathetic. "I know."
He didn't stop her when she walked away that time, and stood reeling as everything she'd just unloaded on him tore around his mind. He'd come close to losing Jenna today, and Thao. He just hadn't realized how close. Hadn't known all the dark, grisly details that encompassed that. Morales needed to be dealt with, and they'd done just that. But maybe if they'd just waited it out, he could've caught a stray bullet from one of Boone's men today. Then that bastard never would've gotten his damn hands on Jenna.
Spitting with contempt in the dead man's direction, he turned his back on the asshole and looked around at the rest of the group. Most of them were gathered near the small fire Beth was getting started, wanting to stick close together. T-Dog remained with the kids, who'd yet to venture from Red's grave.
The man was still pissed about being unwittingly involved in Gabe's murder, and Shane couldn't say he blamed him. He'd have wanted to know, too, but he understood Rick's reasoning. T-Dog wouldn't have gone along with it, but they'd needed a fourth man to go out with them today. If it was just the three of them, the group would've known something was going on.
Hushed, tense voices caught his ears and he turned his head toward the sound. On the other side of an OnTrac delivery van, he could see Rick's boots. Perfect. He had a few words he needed to share with his brother.
Casting a look back at Thao, ensuring he was safe, Shane turned and stalked off toward the van. As he neared, he realized it was Lori's harsh whisper he'd heard, and he slowed to an uneasy stop. Unsure if this spat merited interrupting, or if it needed to run its course.
"No, you don't know," Lori said sharply, unable to keep her voice contained to a whisper that time. "You weren't here, and I don't blame you for that. You did what you needed to do, I know that's true. But you don't know what it was like for us today. You couldn't. Not unless you were here to see those men manhandling Beth and Maggie, or the way they threw Glenn down on the pavement when he tried to get to them. You didn't have to listen to Beth cry for her sister when Boone had her in his hands, or watch Dusty get hit in the face with the butt of a rifle when she yanked Luis away from one of his men. They almost shot Daryl right in front of us, because he wouldn't stop fighting with 'em. Rick, you didn't hear the way Boone talked to Maggie or Jenna, and you didn't see the looks on their faces when he touched them. You didn't hear the way Thao screamed for his mother when Boone was walking off with her. You didn't have to feel Carl shaking, while all you could do was hold onto him and hope like hell these men didn't kill children."
"Lori, I'm sorry," Rick said then, unable to take anymore.
"I don't need you to be sorry," she told him, voice quavering a bit. "None of that was your fault. But you don't get to tell me that you know how I feel, how any of us feel. Rick, you've carried us so far. Gotten us through so much, kept us going when nothing else could. But you can't expect them to shut up and obey after today, if you can't even acknowledge what we went through. You can't."
Rick didn't respond, and Shane didn't know if it was because Lori wouldn't like whatever he was thinking, or if he just didn't have anything to say. He hovered, waiting, knowing Lori wasn't quite through with him yet either way. Sure enough, it was her voice he heard next, a little less harsh that time.
"Dan was supposed to be with 'em; he came right out with that himself. But it's because of him we're alive, and it's because of him Jenna wasn't - "
She cut off as her voice cracked, and Shane's chest tightened on reflex. She took in a calming breath before getting the rest out. "I understand why you're not sure you can trust him. But he didn't wanna be with those men. He was just stuck in a bad situation. And if it wasn't for him, God knows what would've happened to us. He gave us the chance we needed to fight back. And if the rest of us can trust him after what those men put us through, then you can at least do him the courtesy of hearing him out."
Grit under Lori's boots told him she was moving, and she stalked off down the length of the van, heading for the group. After a moment of deliberation, he got his own feet moving. On the other side of the delivery van, he found Rick leaning against the sliding door and glaring off into the trees. He looked like he'd aged ten years in a few minutes, and all of Shane's anger burned right down to ash.
Well, not all of it. But most of it.
He moved to park his ass against the car beside his brother in silence, and Rick just gave him a brief nod in acknowledgement. For a moment, they just stood and let the quiet settle as the warm wind sighed over them. It was growing darker and a tad cooler as the sun fell, which was a damn relief.
"Think we oughtta move?" he asked eventually.
Rick tilted his head a bit, considering. "Not tonight. Everyone needs to rest. Take a breath. We'll keep watch tonight, an' head out in the mornin'." Shane nodded, and Rick let out a dry laugh. "Here I thought you'd be comin' to rip my head off my shoulders."
He smirked despite himself. "Yeah, well, I'd say Lori beat me to it."
Rick made a noise of agreement, looking down at his boots with his hands on his belt. "Think she's right? Think we oughtta trust him?"
"Yeah, I do."
Rick finally looked over at him, sharp eyes on his. "You really think if it wasn't for Jenna knowin' him, you'd take him at his word? After you were dead set on killin' Randall for the same thing?"
"Wasn't the same thing, Rick. Randall was shootin' at ya right along with his men. Dan shot at Boone. It's as simple as that, man. That's how ya know who your enemy is. They're the one shootin' at ya." He shifted his shoulders, trying to release some built up tension as Rick looked away again. "An' maybe Jenna knowin' him is what's makin' me look at that clearly."
"Well, maybe that was his limit," Rick pointed out. "Maybe he wasn't stuck with 'em at all. Maybe he only decided to kill 'em because he saw someone he cared about. Otherwise, what's to say he wouldn'ta just stood back an' let it happen?"
Shane let out a sigh as he mulled it over, trying to be objective. Rick was right. If it wasn't for the connection to Jenna, he would've been just as suspicious. "I really don't think that's who he is," he said after a pause. "Jenna wouldn'ta cared about him so much if he was. She's never shy about lettin' anyone know when they rub her the wrong way, even without sayin' a damn word."
"Sometimes we're blinded by what's right in front of us," Rick said eventually. "Maybe she doesn't wanna see him any other way. Maybe she can't."
"Rick, jus' go talk to him yourself," he said, a little fed up. "You wanna know if you can trust him? Go find that out. Because for someone who was bending over backwards tryin' to find a straw to grasp at to keep Randall alive, you're sure quick to go the other way for someone who saved our people."
"Saved your wife, when you weren't there," Rick pointed out. "So you owe him."
His jaw clenched as he struggled to keep his composure. He knew Rick wasn't goading him, but pointing out where his own bias could be clouding his judgement. "Yeah. Suppose I do. So you're gonna hear him out, hear what he has to say."
"You need this for Jenna."
"Of course I do," he bit back, embers of his anger glowing beneath the ashes. "Damn it, Rick, why can't she have this? She fought all the way across the damn country tryin' like hell to find him when she lost everything, an' now she's finally got him. You came back from the dead an' found your family. No one else gets the same?"
A shadow moved across Rick's eyes at that as he looked back at him. "I wasn't dead."
The cold, hard edge of his voice reached right into Shane's core, and his heart skipped a beat. It took him a moment to find his own voice. "I thought you were."
I thought you knew that.
Rick's eyes held him there for a long, tense moment, before he nodded his acceptance. "I'll hear him out. Gotta talk to the group soon anyway. Think you can help me with that?"
He nodded, the smoldering in his chest contained to just embers and ashes. "Yeah. Let's let 'em eat first. Been a long damn day for all of us." He pushed away from the van and turned to walk away, before pausing and turning back toward his brother. "Rick...I don't give a damn if she's the one who put it there - don't ever keep your gun pressed to my wife's head again."
With that he left, not waiting for Rick's response, and let it all roll of his back.
JPOV
Jenna thought she'd known all about bloodletting. For the past few months, she'd gotten so familiar with it, it was just another part of her life the same way scavenging or killing walkers was. Not a constant thing, but something she'd have to do every now and then to stay alive.
Opening up a vein and bleeding everything out, from the last phone call she'd gotten through to Danny all the way up to this morning, was a purging so intense it'd almost been too much. Only his hands on her shoulders and his voice in her ears had kept her going, assuring her it was safe, he'd catch her as soon as she fell.
She told him about Angela leaving them in the dust, and the broken, panicked look on their dad's face when she'd sped off in her husband's car. She told him about the last time she'd seen Mackenzie, and that she'd never gone back to their apartment to look for her. She told him about Alex, and the horrors she'd come home to after killing him. He shed a few tears with her for the people she'd lost, and the ones he'd lost, too. Mackenzie was their best friend, the wilder side to their trio, the one who kept life from getting too dull and tedious even during finals week. Josh and Katie were as much his sibling as hers, and he'd been Paul Wolfe's honorary second son.
She told him about every run-in she'd had with strangers with malicious intentions, and she'd told him about almost ending it all not once, but twice. She told him about finding Thao, and thus finding the will to live. How keeping him safe and cared for had become the focal point of her whole life. She told him about meeting the group at the quarry, and being taken hostage in Atlanta, and the fall of the CDC.
She told him about Dusty, and how the woman had become more than just a friend to her, but a sister. She told him about Russell, and what had led to Shane killing him. About the farm, and Miranda stepping out of that barn, and the shootout in town, and Randall. About Shane, and the hard-earned trust they'd built up between each other. About finally finding his grandparents' house, and what she'd found there, and about giving up on that pipe dream. About being taken hostage again, and fighting her way back to an empty battle field, and the months of desperate searching that followed.
About the first time she'd met Boone, and how much she wished she could go back and shoot him when she'd had the chance.
About how awful it was to be alone with Morales, and how close he'd come to wearing her down.
How she'd been found by Shane just in time, and what it was like to be reunited with her boy after way too long. How they'd lived, and how they'd survived, roaming from one place to the next to stay ahead of danger. She told him about running into Boone again, and how Dale had hung himself when he'd finally reached his breaking point. She told him how she'd finally fucking lost it when she'd reached hers after Dusty confronted her in the woods.
When it was finally all out there, some of it almost forgotten until she'd strung everything together in a neat, blood-strewn timeline, she was amazed at how much of a relief it was. To have everything that had happened to her in the past year organized and laid out properly, so it wasn't buried and left to rot.
She didn't realize how closed off she still was with her people. This group had become her family, and still...she couldn't let them see all the broken pieces of her. Not even Dusty. To some extent, not even Shane. After a year of surviving together, she still couldn't bear the thought of exposing so much vulnerability to people she knew damn well would never mean her harm.
"You've never let all that out, have you?" he asked her now as they sat on the hood of the Falcon, daylight fading.
She shook her head, looking down at her dirty nails and picking at them. "I don't know why," she admitted. "These are my people. My family. I can trust all of them, Rick too," she said, knowing Dan would never fully forgive the man for what had happened earlier. "I don't know why I can't let them see it when I'm struggling."
He huffed a little dry laugh through his nose. "Mouse, you've always been like that. Even with your family before," he pointed out, and she frowned. "Who'd you go to when Mr. Crandall was gettin' high and mighty and accusing you of plagiarizing your term paper in Junior year? No one. You stood up for yourself and even contacted the school board with proof after he told you he'd be failing you in History."
"What was I supposed to do?" she asked, unsure of where he was going with this.
"You were supposed to go to your dad and tell him what was goin' on," he said, like it should've been obvious.
She all but rolled her eyes at the very idea. "Like hell, you know how that would've gone. First I would've had to convince him it wasn't true because he would've been sure a teacher wouldn't be making an accusation like that without reason. And if he let me prove it without shutting me down for my 'disrespectful attitude', he would've just been mad that I was bringing problems to him from school to deal with. He was too busy at work, and too tired when he came home. It'd have just been another headache he didn't need."
"Yeah, I know, it was rhetorical," said Danny with a sigh. "But that's just a quick example of what I'm tryin' to show you. When you were a kid, you stopped goin' to your parents whenever Angie was pickin' on you. Because your mom just told you not to be upset; Angie was just tryin' to get a rise outta you, like that makes it okay. And your dad just told you guys to get along, or you'll both be sorry. If Josh or Katie did anything to upset you, you were just told to suck it up because you're the older one, it shouldn't bother you so much. And then your mom was gone, and your dad piled so much responsibility on your little thirteen-year-old self, and if you ever complained he'd just get annoyed or angry, because he was too tired to deal with you being a child, too. You couldn't go to your older sister for anything, your mom was outta the picture, and if you ever went to your grandma, it'd get back to your dad when she laid into him."
She smirked a little ruefully, recalling the way her tiny Babushka would berate her adult son who towered over her. But Danny was right. If she ever went to her Babushka when she'd been hurt or was frustrated by the unfairness of her position, her dad would always just be angrier than he would be if she went to him first. He didn't want the rest of the family to know what a delicate balancing act holding their little household together had become because of her mother. And he couldn't bear the thought of anyone blaming his wife for anything.
But mostly, she thought he couldn't stand the shame of his father finding out he'd failed to hold his family together. Gregory Wolfe was a bitter old man who'd been an impossible man to please in his younger years. He was an asshole as a grandfather, and she knew he must've been absolute hell as a father. Her dad had done better than his father, in that he actually loved his wife and kids...even if he couldn't always show it.
"When José broke up with you, you didn't even tell your dad why," he reminded her gently. "You didn't tell anybody why. And they didn't push it because of what you'd just been through. You got a job at sixteen and kept it until you graduated because every time you asked your dad for anything, he asked you how he was supposed to pay for it when he had two other kids to take care of. Mouse, in eighth grade your fuckin' backpack was fallin' apart and only had one good strap for two years, before you bought a new one with birthday money. It wasn't because your dad couldn't afford to get you a twenty dollar backpack, it was because he didn't notice or didn't think it was a big deal."
"He was tired, Danny," she defended, not wanting to hear a laundry list of her dead father's failings. "He worked more than ten hours a day to take care of all of us on his own. When he came home late in the evening, he just wanted to fucking rest, before he had to get back up at five in the morning to do it all over again."
"I know," he assured her. "But while he was at work, you were the one runnin' the whole fuckin' household. That's what I'm tryin' to tell you, Mouse. You were takin' care of Josh and Katie, and no one was takin' care of you. No one ever stepped in to take some of that load for you, because someone who's been told 'no' over and over again learns to stop askin'. Mouse, you couldn't let anyone here know you're not okay because it's too goddamn terrifying for you. You've spent most of your life taking care of yourself and your family, and the idea of needing help is so scary because no one's ever been there to give it."
Her eyes closed as she drew in a long breath, trying not to drown under all the hard truths he was making her dive into. But the thing about Danny was while he might make her take the plunge she didn't want to, he'd be right there to give her a hand back out and wrap her up in warmth and comfort. When her lungs were full and her heart had slowed back down, she let it out in a slow stream.
"You always were," she said then, opening her eyes to meet his.
The smile he gave her was a little sad. "Yeah, I know. And I always will be. I'm sorry I haven't been there through all this, when you really needed someone," he said then, ducking his head as he looked down at a smear of motor oil on the knee of his jeans.
"That's not your fault," she reminded him as she leaned closer.
He made some noise telling her he didn't altogether agree, but rested his arm around her shoulders just the same. Together, they watched the goings on around their little roadside camp in the waning sun as the dust settled between them. The light pressure of him resting his cheek on her hair was one of the best things she'd felt in a long time. The solidity of him soothed all the wounds his absence had left in its wake.
"We need to get Collin," she said again, watching as Carl stood up from Red's grave and wandered over toward Shane to help him take inventory of the guns the group had taken from their attackers.
"He's alright. Woodbury's awful, and I don't let him mingle with most of the people there. But there're a few people I trust." He flexed his fingers as he mulled over the situation at hand. "We weren't due back for a couple of days. I'll stay here tonight, and we'll come up with a plan in the morning."
"This asshole, the Governor...how's he gonna react to losing so many of his men?" she wondered.
Danny let out a heavy sigh through his nose. "I dunno. As far as I know, that hasn't happened to him yet. I'll tell him Boone sent me off scouting ahead, and when I circled back they were all dead. Attacked by some outside gang. Maybe he'll believe me, maybe he won't. I don't plan on givin' him enough time to do anything about it either way. We'll just be gone."
She nodded, liking the sound of that plan. It was rudimentary, and she doubted it'd be as cut and dry as he made it sound, but it was a solid step in the right direction. Soon, she'd have not just Danny, but Collin joining her people. Both families merging.
Approaching steps caught their attention, and soon both Rick and Shane were headed their way. Rick's intent to talk to Danny was plain as day, as was Shane's intent to talk to her. Danny huffed out another dry laugh. "This oughtta be good," he muttered as they both slid off the hood of Falcon.
She gave him a rueful smirk. "He's not a bad guy. He's kept us all together and alive this long. You just caught him at a really bad time."
He shot her a dull glare. "Mouse, he put a gun to your head. I'm never gonna like him."
"Actually, he put a gun to your head," she corrected. "I'm the one who repositioned it. So be mad at me."
He gave her another one of those soft, sad little smiles as he looked down at her. "I can't. You're alive." He squeezed her shoulder. "Just don't fuckin' do it again."
She laughed a little, and it felt good to be able to do it. "I'll think about it."
Rolling his eyes a little but smirking nonetheless, he turned to face Rick as he and Shane reached them. Despite her assurances to Danny, she gave Rick a quick once over to gauge his demeanor. He seemed relaxed and nonthreatening, but she knew he could keep his cards close to the chest right up until he threw down his hand.
"Dan, can I borrow ya for a minute?" he asked, genial enough, though she could tell it was a little reluctant. "I'd like to talk."
Danny looked back at him for a long moment, his expression and posture stating quite clearly that he had no interest in accepting...but he would. "Sure." He pushed away from the bumper and left his rifle behind, but kept his sidearm and his knife at his belt.
"I'm trusting I'm not gonna need to get in between you two this time," Jenna called after them before they could walk off, eyes on Rick.
Rick looked down for a moment, before shaking his head and meeting her eyes. "My head's clear."
She recalled telling him the same thing once, back at the farm, and knew he'd used her own words intentionally. To remind her of the first real conversation they'd had, and the seeds of mutual trust and understanding that had come from it. She nodded, accepting that, and watched the two of them walk away to be out of immediate earshot of the rest of the group.
She turned to Shane as he reached her, finding him gazing down at her with a hint of pain in his expression. He drew her in and skimmed a thumb near her lips, avoiding the split Boone had left. There was a tension in his posture and in his eyes that told her he was struggling to rein himself in, and she realized all of a sudden that he knew.
Everything.
He crushed her to him, and she swore she could almost feel the repressed fury seething just beneath the surface of his skin. She wound her arms around his back and returned the pressure, needing him to know she was okay.
"I wanna be so fuckin' mad at you right now, Jenna," he said, voice low and almost shaking.
He wanted to, but he couldn't...because she was alive.
"I know," she sighed, understanding.
"Were ya gonna tell me?" he asked then, not releasing his hold or even relaxing it. She didn't mind in the slightest. It was such a welcome kind of pressure, after everything that had happened today. "Were ya gonna tell me all of it?"
She nodded. "Yeah. Maybe not right away, if you didn't ask. But yeah, I would've."
"What the hell were you thinkin', Jenna? I gotta know. I need to understand," he told her, and she could hear the truth of it in his voice. "An' please tell me it wasn't just because you didn't kill him when you had the chance."
She clenched her jaw a little at that, unable to deny it. "Maggie didn't deserve to take that hit. Not for something I could've prevented."
"You didn't deserve it, either," he pointed out, losing the grip he had on his anger as he pulled back and held her out to glare at her.
"No one did," she retorted. "But I knew it was gonna happen to one of us, and I knew there was at least a chance I could get him to leave everyone else unharmed if he got what he wanted. Me. All because I got the upper hand the first time we met, when he was probably used to things going the other way."
"Jenna." He delved one hand into her hair as he held her in place, like if he let her go she'd just slip away. There was an intensity in his dark eyes that was at once red hot and ice cold. Rick wasn't the only one who'd been pushed to the edge today. "You have got to stop throwin' yourself into the line of fire, like it don't matter if you're the one who gets hit. If ya can't do that for your own sake then do it for mine. Do it for Thao's. Must'a been hell for him today, watchin' Boone drag you away."
Heat flooded her eyes, and she tried to blink it back. "I needed to keep him safe."
His eyes softened as he understood the other half of what had pushed her to offering to take Maggie's place. It wasn't just about not letting Maggie bear the consequences of her actions, or inaction, but about keeping her boy safe. Throwing down the only card she had left to play. Her life for his. Or, at the very least, just to buy him a little time before Shane and the others returned.
Pain flashed across his face and he hugged her to him again, whether to seek or provide comfort, she couldn't tell. "I'm sorry I wasn't here, darlin'," he sighed out on a ragged breath. "I'm so sorry."
"It's not your fault," she told him, almost scolding.
He just shook his head, but didn't argue with her. Instead he leaned back again and brushed her hair back as he studied her face. This time, it was her eyes he was focused on. "Jenna...I need to know if you're okay. Really okay."
He'd talked to Dusty, she understood. "I'm okay," she promised. "I mean...there's ups and downs. And this thing with Gabe, keeping it to myself and feeling like I was gonna be sick every time I looked at Luis..." She shook her head, trying to shake free of it all. "That fucked me up today, Shane. A lot. But honestly, my mind was never sharper and clearer than when I found Thao's gun still hidden in his pocket right before Danny started shooting. I still don't know how exactly I was gonna do it, but I was gonna kill Boone. Maybe I would've shot him in the leg, or in the gut. Hell, maybe I would've shot him in his balls, whatever it took to get him screaming and bleeding out. So I could hold him at gunpoint and get the rest of his men distracted enough to give our people a chance to fight back."
For a long moment he just held his eyes with hers, looking for any sign of something that should worry him. Eventually, he must've seen the cold, clear honesty in them, because he nodded and finally kissed her. Long and slow, pulling her as close as he could get her, and it still didn't feel close enough.
Eventually, they broke away, and he rested his forehead to hers as he loosened his hold on her just a bit. "Y'know...if ya wanna go an' shoot him in the balls now, no one would blame ya."
For the second time a true laugh escaped her, and he smiled back a little before he bent his head to kiss her again.
RPOV
He and Dan came to a stop halfway between the Falcon and the fire where the group was. It gave them a small measure of privacy from both sides, at least as far as not being overheard went. Rick figured staying in full view of both Jenna and the rest of the group would keep everyone at ease.
Dan turned to face him, shoulder leaning against the same Bravada he'd been keeping watch on when they'd rolled up in the Hyundai. Rick couldn't get over how much he and Jenna looked alike. They weren't related, as far as he'd gathered, but they could've easily passed for siblings. It wasn't just in the features they shared, but in their mannerisms. Dan carried himself the same way she did, even walked with the same deceptively calm, laid back stride she used to have. The way he leaned against the SUV was so reminiscent of the way he'd seen Jenna do the same over the past year, it almost made the young man feel familiar.
And the way he regarded Rick with a level of mild dislike and distrust, just like she had back in those early days at the quarry and even at the farm...it was uncanny. He strove to let it roll off his back.
He broke the silence. "Suppose I oughtta thank you. If you hadn't been with Boone and the rest, things would'a gone a whole other direction for my people today."
Dan gave him the very same dull glare Jenna had back at the quarry, in the box truck on their way to go and rescue Merle. Don't patronize me, that look had said. He could read the same message clear as day in Dan's expression.
"Yeah. They would've," Dan replied, voice grim with the unequivocal truth of the fact. "Boone and his boys were always bad news."
"Except for you."
"I was never one of his boys," he qualified, never looking away and not backing down.
Rick put his hands on his belt as he made himself relax his shoulders. He needed to dial back the hostility he still felt at the sight of someone he would've otherwise pegged as an enemy. A threat. He'd seen the kind of man Boone was, and he'd seen the kind of men he'd surrounded himself with. Something told Rick he wouldn't have let anyone who didn't fall in line tag along.
"Were you just along for the ride?" he asked with a shrug, not believing that for a second.
"I was following orders," said Dan, clearly not stupid enough to fall for the façade, if the light derision in his tone was anything to go by. "Goin' where I was told. I didn't wanna be out here on this scouting mission with those assholes any more than they wanted me with 'em. I was just gonna buck up, get through the trip, and watch my back, because I didn't trust any of 'em worth a damn. Then Boone sent me away to go and scout ahead, for no real reason...so I circled back. To see what they were really up to. Figured it couldn't have been anythin' good, but I never would'a guessed..."
He imagined the scene Lori had spelled out for him earlier, and he was hit once again with a belated, impotent anger. Someone had come in and terrorized his people, his family, and he'd shown up too late to do anything to rectify it. Looking at Dan, he could see shadows of that same fury reflected back at him.
"If you didn't know one of us," he began, voicing the only question that truly mattered, "would you've done the same? Or would you've looked the other way?"
"I wouldn't have let 'em get away with somethin' like that," Dan said, almost scowling at him.
Again, he gave an easy shrug. "The fact that it was Jenna he had his hands on had nothin' to do with it?"
A dry huff left his nose as a bitter smirk twisted his mouth. "I shot him because it was the right thing to do. Can't cure a rapist." He scratched the back of his neck and cocked his head in a half-shrug. "I shot him in the gut because it was her he had his hands on. Motherfucker didn't deserve to die quick. I wanted him to have time to feel it...know it was comin'."
Yeah, he understood the impulse. If it'd been Lori...he would've done the same. Shane was probably going out of his mind right now, unable to unleash everything on Boone, just as he'd been unable to tear apart the men who'd nabbed her back on the farm.
He nodded, turning everything over in his head. When he looked back up at the younger man, he was struck by how damn young he really was. Sometimes it was easy to forget Jenna was barely old enough to drink, the same way it was easy to forget with the other younger adults of the group. All of them, he would've considered kids in the world before. Just some college kids, barely real adults. But from day one, he'd never seen a kid when he'd met Glenn, Jenna, Dusty, or Maggie. The world had already taken that out of them when they'd met, and he could see it in Dan now. He was young in his years, but nothing else. The world had put him through it, and any kid left in him had died a long time ago.
"You know, if you were anyone else, you'd be gone...and that'd be a mercy," Rick told him, point-blank. "I'd take your stuff, and send ya on your way, and if ya knew what was good for ya, you'd start walkin'. But Jenna spent months wearin' herself into the ground lookin' for you...and I can't ignore that."
And she needs this.
He shook it off. "She doesn't trust easily, but she didn't even hesitate with you. I'm goin' out on a limb here and assumin' it isn't just because of shared history. So until you prove otherwise, I'm gonna have to give ya the benefit of the doubt."
Dan smirked. "Yeah, I don't trust you all that much, either. But I'll have to live with that."
He almost grinned, but managed to quell it. "Glad we agree on that."
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the group settling around for the evening meal. The fact that they'd come back to their people with nothing by way of food made him feel more guilty than what he'd done to Gabe. Lori needed every scrap she could get, and so did the kids. Their provisions were down to almost nothing, and he knew the group had been counting on the four of them to come back with something.
"Let's eat," he invited, calling a truce. "And after, you can tell me about who's been givin' you orders."
Dan recognized it wasn't a request, or even a suggestion, and nodded without a moment's hesitation. Whoever was in charge of his group, it was clear Dan felt no loyalty toward them. As they moved toward the rest of the group, he moved to Jenna's other side in a seamless motion, and Rick thought he understood. She was where his loyalty lied.
Note: This chapter is heavy on the character development, but I think it needed to be written this way. There are a lot of changing dynamics at play with a new person entering the group, and to gloss over that and skip to the action for the sake of excitement just didn't feel right to me. Plus, exploring the way an outsider might observe the group we know and love so well is something I want to dig into.
Anyway, thanks for reading! I'll be updating slowly, but I am working away at this as much as I can.