Chapter 4: Ain't That A Kick In The Head? (IV)
That was probably the weirdest robbing attempt the Courier had ever experienced. Not even the Fiends were that bizarre when it came to attacking people, and they were a bunch of drug-addicted maniacs. Although to be fair, the Fiends were all humans, not some kind of bizarre avian mutant like that woman.
He was already surprised to find that he landed in a place with feline mutants, but now he discovered that there were also bird-like mutants roaming around and trying to rob him in his sleep. Honestly, it all seemed like some kind of weird lucid dream caused by the combination of Mentats and vodka before taking a nap.
The bird-woman rested above him, looking at him with those beautiful and yet terrified yellow eyes. She was attractive, more than any mutant he ever met in his life, it almost made him feel guilty for threatening her with a knife. However, that was the key word, almost.
"So, here's the deal," he started talking while keeping the edge of Blood-Nap against the woman's neck, "I ask you questions, you answer them. If you refuse, or I suspect that you're lying, then… well, let's just say that swallowing will be a lot harder in the future, comprende?"
She said nothing in return, too scared to speak.
"Did I make myself clear?" he inquired as he applied more pressure to the knife.
"Yes!" she replied quickly.
"Wonderful!" he gleefully said as he loosened the pressure of the knife. "Now, first question: What did you do to my little friend? Why can't he see us?"
Still trying to contain her fear, she began to explain. "A-an illusion spell, just that, I did not do anything to him."
The Courier remained quiet once he heard that, not saying anything for a few seconds. Then he chuckled.
"I believe I told you that there would be serious consequences for lying," he said.
"I am not lying! It is illusion magic, I swear on the honor of my family!" she shouted in a strangely determined way, as if the notion of her supposed magical abilities being insulted was more important than her own security.
Decades of betrayals and frauds made the Courier somewhat knowledgeable when it came to detecting lies. It was a vital skill for survival in the Wasteland; after all, falling for a lie could easily end in a life of slavery or served as the main dish for dinner. Of course, he was not a living lie detector, he could make a mistake or two from time to time, but it was nothing a well-placed bullet could not solve.
This time, however, he had a problem. The mutant's words seemed sincere, but the idea of actual magic was so ridiculous that it could only be a lie.
"Is that so? Then you have five seconds to dispel your… uh, spell," he threatened while gently rubbing the edge of the knife against her throat, causing small and superficial cuts. "Or else."
Of course, he was only bluffing, he did not expect her to do something magical, it was just a little threat to scare her enough to drop the act and spill the beans.
"I will!" she replied almost immediately, much to the surprise of her captor.
A sudden and almost unnoticeable flash surrounded them the moment she replied. It was quick, easily unnoticed to the untrained eye, but the Courier managed to perceive it. Something seemed to happen, but nothing really changed around him. He was about to discard it as just a light trick, but the almost piercing beeping of ED-E prevented it. The eyebot came to his aid at full speed, more than ready to vaporize another mutant.
"Calm down, lil' buddy! I'm fine!" he shouted, trying to prevent the loss of a valuable source of information.
The Duraframe obeyed grudgingly, coming closer to him while keeping an eye close to the stranger, who, funnily enough, did not look as scared as before. She even gave a weak but proud smile, as if the pride of showing her abilities briefly overcame the fear of having a knife against her neck.
Whatever she did, ED-E was now able to see them. However, he was reluctant to believe that sorcery was somehow involved. It could easily be some kind of Stealth Boy that runs out of juice at the right time or something like that. He was a man of science after all, he would sooner French kiss a feral ghoul than believe that magic is real.
"Well, something happened, but it ain't magic," he stated, much to the annoyance of the feathered woman. "Now, second question…"
The orc tribe lived at the foot of the mountain, in a marvelous hidden spot where they were able to live in peace without worrying about The Order and their agents, not to mention they were located close to the Forest of Lamilla, and as such, had easy access to the human villages nearby. That meant that they had no problem when it came to hunting and pillaging, something they did on a very regular basis, especially with the towns of Cerelia, a personal favorite of theirs due to the low number of guards and adventurers, making them easy prey.
That night the orc camp was, as always, a place of celebration. The orcs danced around an enormous campfire, with most of them eating, drinking, and fornicating with their male slaves to no end. They were simple creatures, only interested in satisfying their instinctive desires without any worries, not even the earthquake from the morning managed to disturb their hedonistic lifestyle.
Normally their leader, Urga, would take part in the celebration, but for some reason she refused, being secluded in her tent without the intention of coming out. This was unusual since the high orc was easily hot-blooded of them all, capable of eating and drinking to the point that she made her underlings look like puritans.
The reason of her seclusion was due to the rumors of the murder that had taken place in the afternoon. The body of a werecat was discovered, dismembered to the point of not recognition, a horrendous crime without precedents in the forest. Even worse, the Sage of the Forest, the knowledgeable owl mage she used to consult every time she had doubts, was now missing. She disappeared hours ago without a trace, leaving the high orc confused and lost.
None of these events could be just a mere coincidence; something was going on in the forest. Her dear underlings were too stupid and blissful to understand that, and she hoped to keep it that way. It was her responsibility as a leader to carry the burden on her shoulders so her orcs could continue their joyful routine.
"Boss!"
A sudden shout made her jump out of her seat. The high orc was so lost in her thoughts that she did not even hear the two orcs entering her tent nor their constant attempts to gain her attention. Only by shouting were they able to bring her back to earth.
"Fuckin' hel! Do not scare me like that!" screamed the high orc while regaining her composure.
The two orcs hugged each other while squealing in terror. It was in their nature to fear and respect their leader, so just the mere act of raising her voice was enough to make them feel the most pure fear.
"What do you want? I told you I wanted to be alone," she demanded, now calmer.
One of the underlings swallowed nervously and stepped forward to face her leader.
"W-we needed to inform you that Helena and Pira left the camp. They said they wanted new males, so they went on their own to get them."
Urga was going to develop a migraine before going to sleep. Not only did she have to worry about some mysterious danger in the forest, she also needed to look for two morons who were now probably lost. How hard was it to wait for the next raid? They already had a considerable number of submissive slaves at their disposition, enough food to feast for a week, there was no need to do something so stupid like going on their own.
"Those idiots…" she sighed while rubbing her face.
The high orc was more than ready to go herself in search of those two and drag their asses back to the camp, but then a thought came across her mind. Why get so concerned? It was not in her nature to suffer from stress; she was supposed to live free and happy, enjoying a depraved and luxurious life, just the way the Demon Lord wanted her to. Her only concern should be looking for new humans to make her personal toys, nothing else.
Actually, why not? She deserved a treat for all the bullshit she was enduring, she deserved some new and cute slaves to play with, and she was not going to sit around and wait for those two to get lucky and bring someone. No, she was going to attack that town and find some nice males to spend the night with, and better yet, make Helena and Pira suffer with it. Once they came back, they were going to be punished in the worst way possible: an entire week without access to the slaves.
Urga sighed, she was going to make a stupid decision, but she did not care.
"Screw it!" she declared while exiting her tent, raising her voice to gather the attention of the girls. "Tonight we raid!"
The interrogation lasted for hours, although calling it that was an overestimate. The feathered woman spoke and spoke, talking endlessly, almost in a frenzy. She spoke of gods and demons, monsters and heroes, kingdoms and holy knights, all that kind of nonsense one would expect from an old comic book. She didn't even tell him what kind of mutant she was, claiming to be some kind of "owl mage", a winged monster related to owls. He theorized that she must be some kind of Vault experiment, after all her mutations were quite unique.
Besides one or two useful pieces of information, it all seemed like a waste of time. It was clear that the mutant was out of her mind and speaking mostly nonsense. The knife was no longer necessary, for she was now leaning against the trunk of a nearby tree, giving what seemed like a passionate history class.
"Stop! For the love of God, stop!" ordered the Courier, already bored to death.
This took the mutant by surprise, shutting her up on the spot. Her love for knowledge overcame her in an embarrassing manner.
"I just wanted to know where the fuck I am, just that," he stated with noticeable tiredness. He still wanted to sleep, and that extended class exposition just meant torture for the sleepy man.
"Oh, this is the Forest of Lamilla," she said.
"A Forest?" he asked. "Is this West Virginia?"
She tilted her head to the side in confusion. "West Virginia?"
"Guess that's a no."
The Courier turned around to see ED-E, who kept an eye close to their captive, more than ready to blow up her head with a single shot if she dared make any weird move. The eyebot was livid about the fact that some random mutant managed to slip under his nonexistent nose, and even worse, attempt to do something against his friend. It took a lot of self-control for him to not make her share the same fate as the cat from the morning.
"Well, here's another deal. If you can give us a map or some directions to the nearest town, then we will forgive you for your robbing attempt," he explained.
"I was not trying to rob you," she stated firmly, feeling insulted.
"Sure, sure. Let's say you didn't," said the Courier while waving his hand in a dismissive manner. "So what do you say? Do we have a deal?"
"Under one condition," she said.
The man laughed softly once he heard that. "It's cute that you think you're in position to make demands."
"It is only a condition, that is all I request," she insisted, trying to appear dignified, although showing some nervousness.
Both the Courier and ED-E exchanged glances, almost as if they were speaking without the need of words. The poor woman quickly regretted her decision, fearing that her audacity could cost her life.
A few minutes of unbearable silence passed.
"Spit it," he finally said.
She sighed in relief before talking. "I… I want to accompany you."
"Come again?" he questioned.
"If you want to leave the forest, then I want to go with you," she repeated.
For the first time in years, the Courier was speechless.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, dumbfounded
"I can guide you to the nearest human settlement. In exchange, I want to go with you wherever you go," she stated with an odd determination.
That was easily the most ridiculous petition he had ever heard, and that was saying a lot.
"You… you realize I almost cut your throat, right?"
The bird mutant nodded while rubbing her neck.
"And you want to come with us instead of running away?"
"I am just... so curious about you, and there are so many things I want to ask you, so I cannot waste this opportunity, even if it goes against my better judgment," she explained, trying to look firm and self-confident.
The expression on the Courier's face was a work of art. A strange mix of shock, confusion, disbelief, and curiosity. ED-E remained silent as well, seriously considering disobeying the order from earlier and simply shooting the mutant on the spot.
"You're a fucked up little bird, ain't you?" the Courier said while crossing his arms.
She jumped out offended, forgetting her fear while yelling at him. "What?!"
"I said you're a fu-"
The Courier could not finish his mocking comment, as his instincts warned him of a nearby enemy presence. ED-E did the same, turning quickly and firing a laser beam straight into some nearby bushes.
"AAAAAAAH!"
A heartrending scream rang out, it was one of pain. A strange cloaked figure crawled out of the bushes, leaving a macabre trail of blood. It was a clean shot in the stomach, one that they awkwardly tried to cover with her hand.
"A friend of yours?" he asked the bird mutant as he approached the dying stranger.
She did not answer; instead, she covered her mouth as she stared in horror, on the verge of fainting.
"A-ah..." the stranger groaned, barely having the strength to speak.
The stranger tried for a moment to raise its hand in the direction of the Courier, but was only able to raise it a few inches before finally succumbing, its arm falling limp to the ground as the stranger drew its last breath.
"Helena!"
A new scream rang out, this time one filled with anger. Another individual jumped out from behind the trees, being a curious pink-skinned woman with ears that almost resembled those of a pig, who ran towards them at full speed.
"You bastards!" the stranger screamed with rage.
The new individual wielded what appeared to be a gigantic, primitive mace made of stone and wood. She raised her weapon in the air, more than ready to hit the head of her friend's killer and avenge her death.
BANG
A loud, deafening shot echoed through the forest. The stranger's head exploded into a bloody mess, leaving behind a headless corpse that quickly collapsed to the ground. It was expected, after all, not many were able to withstand the might of the Ranger Sequoia.
"Damn junkies," whispered the Courier while blowing the smoke that came out of the revolver. "Anyway, where were we? Oh, right, the deal."
He approached the corpse of the attacker, bending down to inspect it. The bird-woman was horrified, barely being able to stand on her own due to her shaking legs, with her face pale as the moon and an expression of horror. The poor woman had no idea of just what kind of man she asked to follow.
"I accept your terms. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Birdie," he said cheerfully while stripping naked the corpse, removing the cloak.
The attacker had no caps, bullets, or food, but a piece of clothing always came useful, especially when it came to keeping a low profile in new and strange lands. His Elite Riot Gear would attract attention once they reached civilization, and the last thing he wanted was to be confused as someone belonging to the NCR, so a cloak would be handy, even if it was stained with a bit of blood.
"So, where's the next town?" he asked as he started to put on the cloak.
The situation had improved somewhat. He still had no idea where the Big MT might be, but at least now they had someone who could serve as a guide in these strange territories. Now the next objective had to be to go to the nearest settlement and gather as much information as possible, maybe do a job or two out there for some factions to get some benefits.
And of course, the most important of all.
"I'm dying for some sarsaparilla."