Part 67

...

At the hospital, Elliot had gotten Olivia there to thankfully be told that other than the baby coming, there was no emergency. The baby was fine but Olivia was dilated five centimeters. This prompted the hospital to admit her and now three hours later, she was in hard labor, standing by the bed struggling through a contraction as Elliot coached her through it.

"That's it baby, you're almost there!" He said as he massaged her back, but her face that was screwed up into a mask of pain as she hunched forward.

"El..." she cried, her hand reaching for him, as the other gripped the side of the bed as she forced in a shaky breath through her nose. She was in agony as the contraction grew, eventually peaking, and she let out a loud groan.

"I'm right here baby, breathe through it."

"I can't!" She sobbed, trying to catch her breath as she held the underside of her belly. "Oh god, WHERE IS THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST?!"

"Finishing up with another patient, so he should be here soon." The doctor said, entering the room. "How are we doing?"

"It hurts!" Olivia wailed.

"I know, and I'm sorry. Now, I want you to relax as much as you can, I'm gonna check your dilation..."

...

Eight months ago…

"I got three of the city's best lawyers to donate their time and services to our pro bono department," Olivia said as she sat back on the sofa in her office, nursing Serena. She had been working here as the director at a foundation for rape victims since Serena was six months old. "Anthony Girabaldi, David Johnson and Trevor Langan…"

"How did you…?" Tracey Thomas, one of Olivia's colleagues wondered. Those were very big names indeed, and she was left in awe that Olivia had secured them since they didn't have very many big-shot attorneys who gave their time to a service like theirs.

"When you go through something, you get a lot of support from people that you thought you'd never..."

"I think bringing you on here was the best thing we ever did. Anyway, I'd better get out of here, I've got a hot date for lunch."

"...see you at the meeting later." Olivia grinned, looking down at Serena and smiling as Tracey left her office. "Okay, baby girl, I'm all yours." She said to Serena who looked up and smiled at her mother, putting her hand up into Olivia's mouth. Olivia playfully bit Serena's fingers with her lips over her teeth, making Serena laugh, as she continued drinking.

"I love you so much, baby girl!" She said to her as she curled her fingers through Serena's little hand.

"Yo you mama!" Serena whispered as she allowed her eyes to drift closed as Olivia began singing softly to her.

A little later, Serena was fast asleep and Liv was at her desk, eating pasta and reading through files when Elliot walked in.

"Baby…" she smiled as she looked up. "What are you doing here?" She said happily as she took the fork from her mouth and sat it down it the pasta.

"I had a minute, thought I'd stop by. I hope I'm not interrupting," He said as he approached her desk after kissing Serena. "She's out…" he laughed.

"She is, and no, you're not interrupting," she said as he pulled her into his arms and kissed her passionately, causing her to shift in his arms as she winced. "Still sensitive?"

"Stop…"

"What?" He laughed, "baby,"

"...not this again…"

"Baby, the sore breasts, the morning sickness, the fatigue…"

"I'm not pregnant. stop letting your imagination run wild." She said, kissing him while silently praying that she was right. "...besides, I'm too old…" which she meant. She was going to be 46 in a few months and she wasn't in denial about the fact that she had already begun getting faster, lighter periods. She hoped it was menopause and prayed constantly that she'd get there without another pregnancy happening. Her baby girl was her life and she didn't need more.

"You're not too old, you're only forty five. And would it be so bad? Honey, we've gotten married and built an amazing life with Serena. It'd be great to give her a sibling...or two."

"Two?" She said as she pulled away from him, grinning.

"...well, we can talk about that…"

"Elliot…"

This was just menopause starting, right?

...

The following week...

She sat in the bathroom, nervously waiting for yet another test, her fifth to finish up. It didn't matter the three that said she was definitely pregnant, she was clinging to the hope of the one that maybe gave a 'no'. She wasn't sure since the test displayed lines in both the pregnant and not pregnant boxes, but she was clinging to a small hope that perhaps there was no baby.

"Shit!" She said through tears, panic rising as she looked at the fifth and final test. Positive. Immediately, she pushed all of the tests from the counter into the garbage pail then sat on the edge of the tub and started to cry, then just as quickly, she stood up grabbed the trash bag from the garbage pail, picking up the tests and boxes that had fallen to the floor and shoved them into the bag before taking it downstairs, through the kitchen and out the back door, into the garbage bin. When she came back in, she washed her hands before taking the phone from her pocket and dialing as she wiped her eyes.

"Hi, this is Olivia Stabler, I was wondering if Dr. Reed could possibly see me? Yes, I know it's short notice but I-I was wondering ...any time. I could be there now if you...she can? A half hour? I can be there in twenty minutes." With that she hung up the phone, put it in her pocket then went and grabbed her keys from the table by the front door. Thankfully, Elizabeth had come to do laundry and was now out at the park with Serena, so Olivia quickly scribbled a note, grabbed a jacket and left the house to head to the Doctor's office.

…

"You're pregnant! And judging by your hormone levels, I'd put you at about six weeks." The doctor said as she came into her office.

"No! No I can't be..."

"Olivia, we ran the test twice." She confirmed to her softly as Olivia dropped her head into her hands, fighting back tears. This concerned the doctor, and she asked Olivia flat out as she handed her tissues. "Olivia, is there something I should be concerned about? Are you in trouble again?"

"No," Olivia answered as tears began to cloud her eyes and a few made their way down her cheeks. "It's nothing like that. Elliot's been wonderful which is why I don't know why I feel this way." She let out a cry into her hand. "He'd be so happy, but I'm just…I don't want to be pregnant; I don't want this."

"...you know, you do have options, it's still very early. "

"An abortion? I thought about that with Serena; I was sure that I would if I could just get free, and when I did, I couldn't. There had already been too much suffering and I just couldn't add to that. I couldn't put myself through any more then, and I don't know if I can now."

"So that leaves you…?"

"I don't know..."

"As I said, it's early. Take some time to think it over, maybe talk to someone but please, and I can't stress this enough; whatever you decide, let it be your decision."

At the house, Elliot had gotten home and filthy from field exercises, decided to grab a shower while Lizzy was with Serena. It turned out not to be such a good idea since Serena was at the bathroom door, and knocked, looked under the door and yelled into the bathroom for Elliot to come out while she stood holding her blanket.

"Daddy?" She called to him, trying to look under the door

"Yes, Serena?" He answered, laughing, so amused as he wrapped the towel on his waist

"Comin?"

"In a minute honey" He was drying his hair and went to grab his comb when he knocked the toothpaste fell to the side of the countertop and her bent to get it. He spotted the trash can which was obscuring the toothpaste so, he moved it, revealing not only the toothpaste, but something else...

"Serena..." Lizzie scolded gently, taking the toddler in her arms. "Sorry daddy" she yelled.

"My da-dee, Leassie…"

But Elliot was too much in shock to respond. He nervously picked up the pregnancy test from the floor and stared at it. Specifically staring hard at the word 'pregnant' sitting proudly in the test window. 'Holy shit!' he thought, bursting into tears with happiness as he held the test in his hand. He had to sit down! And he did, on the lid of the toilet lid. He was absolutely dumbfounded.

Downstairs, Lizzie had locked the gate to the stairs then carried the baby into the kitchen. While outside, Olivia saw that not only was Serena and Lizzie back, but Elliot was home as well.

"Shit!" She cried. She couldn't get these damn tears to stop, and she sat in her car for a moment to straighten up before going in. Minutes later, she checked her eyes in the overhead mirror, wiping them free of any tears, then reaching for the glove compartment for eye drops. She came through the door and Serena came running on her chubby little legs going so fast and she laughed while Lizzie chased after her.

"Mommy, mommy!" She cried happily as she ran straight to Olivia who caught her in her arms and picked her up, squeezing her tight.

"Hi my sweetness!" Olivia sang as she spun her around, kissing her. "Were you a good girl for your sister?"

"I good gole."

"Partly," Lizzie said smiling. "I got your note, and I thought you'd be a little tired when you got back so Serena and I got dinner started and then I fed and bathed her. Right Serena?"

"Wight Leassie!" She said and gave Elizabeth a high five as she laid her head on Olivia's chest.

"...give it another forty minutes in the oven, and it should be good to go."

"You are such an angel! Lizzie, thank you." Olivia said and hugged her.

"You're very welcome. Thanks for letting me do my laundry."

"Mommy, I yamas!" Serena said to her, pulling at her shirt to show off the pajamas that she was wearing.

"So I see. All ready for sleep, huh?"

"Very ready.." She kissed Liv and Serena, and mussed Serena's hair. "Daddy's upstairs in the shower, tell him I'll try to see him on the weekend." She said, grabbing the basket from the couch.

"My da-dee!" Serena said sleepily, ever possessive of Elliot.

"Our daddy" Lizzie said with a gentle poke to Serena's belly that caused the child to giggle.

"Mine!"

"I wonder where she learned to be so possessive?" Lizzie said laughing. "I'll see you guys." she said as she left. Olivia shut and locked the door, leaning against it with Serena on her hip, lying against her breast and she let out a deep sigh as she held and kissed her daughter, starting to tear up but quickly wiped them away.

"Mommy, wan-t you!" Serena said, pulling at Olivia's shirt for milk. Olivia sighed. She needed a break. The breast pain from the pregnancy, coupled with Serena feeding at them several times a day, was hard and she just wanted a small reprieve. She offered Serena what she thought was a great trade off- breast milk from the freezer which of course Serena was having none of, whining to Olivia that she wanted her. Olivia's first instinct was to argue, but how can you reason with a determined toddler? So, for the sake of keeping the peace, she gave in, putting her daughter to her breast and walked to the couch to sit, putting her feet up.

After all was said and done, she was so very grateful for her little miracle. When she thought about how Serena almost didn't make it so many times while she carried her inside. How she almost lost her the day she was born-

"Hey you!" Elliot said as he came down the stairs, breaking Olivia out of her reverie.

"Baby...hey," Olivia said, quickly wiping her eyes.

He was smiling ridiculously big as he came and stood in front of her and Serena looking down at them.

"Hey da-dee!" Serena said, turning away from her feeding to smile at him. Elliot took her little hand and knelt in front of her and her mom, kissing it.

"God she's getting so big!" He said to Olivia as Serena took her hand away and went back to feeding hungrily.

"She eats enough," Olivia half joked, "she should be," Elliot watched Serena, then looked up at Olivia, thinking that his wife was so very beautiful. She really did glow when she was pregnant. She did with Serena and she was absolutely doing it now.

"So, where'd you go?" Elliot asked. Since finding that test not too long ago, he'd been dying for Olivia to get home so they could celebrate the incredible news, and had the test in his pocket ready to celebrate.

"...to the office. I forgot there were a few things to wrap up before tomorrow." She lied, feeling awful about the fact that she had to. She looked at Serena, then looked at Elliot, nervously. "...what?"

"I just...anything you wanna tell me?" He said, still smiling. But Olivia looked at him, trying to get a read on him. She couldn't, so she decided on...

"Um...dinner will be ready in a half hour…?"

"Din- great," he said as he stood up. She very obviously wasn't ready to tell him just yet and he didn't want to push her. Besides, she was probably looking for the perfect moment. He quickly kissed Olivia on the lips. "Is it alright if I sit with you?"

"You never have to ask," she said as she threaded her fingers through his and squeezed his hand, and she meant it. Elliot was that person for her and she loved him beyond all else. which was why she didn't understand why she felt this was about having his baby; "but it's not having 'his' baby. It's having 'a' baby." Was what went through her head as she watched Elliot playing with Serena while she fed. She stared at Serena then threw her head back to rest against the sofa and let out a long breath that came with tears falling from her eyes, and she thought back to just a couple of hours ago:

"...you know, you do have options, it's still very early..."

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"I'm just tired, that's all," she again lied, "would you mind checking dinner?"

"No, you sit tight and take care of Serena," and he kissed her fingers, then got up.

"...by the way, Lizzie said to tell you that she'll see you on the weekend."

"...kid comes and goes so fast," he said as he left the room, feeling the test strip in his pocket as he walked to the kitchen, smiling. He had debated springing the test on Olivia and telling her that he knew, but just as quickly he thought that it should be her news to tell. Besides, maybe she was waiting to have it confirmed by her doctor before she told him. God knows it was killing him, but if it meant giving her space and time to adjust, he'd wait.

…

A week later...

"I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." Fin said as he kissed Olivia on the cheek then sat down on the couch in her office.

"Forever huh? You were at the house for dinner three days ago…" she laughed. "So what's really going on?"

"I just; you know; I wanted to see how you were doing."

"You know," she told him as she came around with two fresh mugs of tea and handed one of them to him, then sat down next to him. "I often wonder how someone who's spent so long as an undercover cop, can make such a terrible liar in real life."

Fin smiled as he scratched his nose. "Alright, alright, you got me. I've been worried about you."

She sipped her tea then put it down on the coffee table. "Me, why?"

"You haven't been yourself in while; especially at dinner the other night. I was gonna bring it up then but you got caught up with Serena and her teething…"

"I'm fine, really. Just tired."

"Just tired huh? Then why do you look like you've been crying?"

"Fin…"

"You looked like you were crying the other night, too. Did Stabler do something to you? Cuz Liv, he may be your husband but, I swear I'll kill him if he hurt you!"

"Fin, I appreciate it, but no. It's nothing he did...not entirely; I just have to figure it out on my own." She said, and while Fin knew that to be true, he also knew Olivia; she was shutting down again. And whatever was bothering her, it was weighing on her. Heavily.

"You know you can talk to me." He offered. And she knew she could, but still, she sat, worrying her bottom lip as tears welled up in her eyes.

"Hey…" he soothed as he put his arm around her. She immediately leaned into him. "Liv, whatever it is…"

That's what she loved about Fin, she always could tell him anything even before they'd gotten close, it's who he was. But over the years, they'd grown to beyond great friends; especially after Elliot left, and after the Lewis's, it grew from little sister to something far greater than either of them could ever have imagined. Fin was her protector; her most trusted confidante. And it had come to where after Harlan and being held for all those months, after she broke down to him in that hospital in Pennsylvania she could tell him anything! He was the only one who'd known about the heart of the abuse she suffered; the only one who'd known about Serena. Olivia trusted this man with everything! And she knew that she could talk to him about this; he'd keep her secret if his life depended on it!

"I'm pregnant…"

"Liv, that's great...or is it?"

"No, it's not." She said as she bit her lip even harder to keep from shedding tears but it was a losing battle, and they came as she blinked them back and wiped her eyes. "Would you think I was a monster if I said that I don't wanna have it?"

"By 'not have it' you mean…?

"Yeah." She whispered, her voice trembling with tears. "Ever since Elliot said that he thought I was, I've been in this constant state of panic."

"So he doesn't know…"

He's been pushing me for weeks e take a home pregnancy test…"

"If anybody would know…" Fin said, trying to lighten the mood,. It worked somewhat, as Olivia half-smiled. "...for the record, whatever you decide to do, I'll support you."

"Even if what I decide is not to tell my husband?"

"That, I don't like at all; but I got you, no matter what."

"Olivia, I- oh, I'm sorry" Tracey said as she came in to Olivia's office, realizing she'd interrupted something. Olivia quickly wiped her eyes as she stood up.

"No, it's okay." She said. "Tracey, you know Sergeant Tutuola…"

"Fin, please. Liv, I better get out of here. You call if you wanna finish our talk." He said as he hugged her and then left.

"Thanks Fin."

"You okay?" Tracey asked Olivia once they were alone and Olivia gave the only answer she could.

"Getting there. So, what did you need?"

...

Another week had passed and while doing a lot of soul searching, Olivia still hadn't said anything to Elliot about the pregnancy. He had gone to DC for a few days and come back, still nothing. After the third day while in DC, he had begun thinking what if it wasn't Olivia's pregnancy test after all? He knew that Olivia hadn't gotten completely past all that she'd gone through but to keep this from him? Maybe the test did belong to one of his daughters, though he prayed that it didn't as no one but Maureen was married ...but then, Lizzie had been the only one there the day he'd found it… No, it had to be Olivia's she'd had the symptoms, was still having symptoms!

"You're thinking too much!" Olivia said, her hand on his shoulder as she came from the nursery after checking on Serena.

"I know, and I'm sorry." He said and kissed her as he held her hand. "I have to fly to DC again on Sunday night,"

"So soon? You just came home."

"Unfortunately. We're working on a big project and it needs my input. You and Serena gonna be okay? I know I've been gone a lot lately,"

"We'll be fine..though she may not agree with you going," she put her hand to her stomach, willing the vomit that she felt rising to stay down, and luckily, it seemed to be working.

"She's a handful," he smiled.

"That, she is."

"Could you imagine if we had another?She felt it rising again and swallowed hard to keep it down, breathing slowly through her mouth. He noticed this time and dutifully checked to see if she was okay. . "Liv are you alright?"

"Mmhm, I'm fine…" she said as Elliot wrapped his arms around her.

"You sure?"?"

"Yeah, it um, it must be something I ate."

Elliot kissed her naked shoulder that the nightgown strap had fallen down from. "Or…"

"Honey..."

"Liv, I have loved you for so long, and waited a lifetime to be with you. You're perfect to me and for me," she smiled at that. "...and I want all those beautiful babies with you that we waited so many years to have. I don't wanna stop at Serena and we don't have to,"

"You don't quit, do you?"

"I don't. But, in my defense, it's only because I know you are already Liv, I can feel it in every part of me."

She could tell him that just the thought of being pregnant again scared her so badly that she wanted to run away, just hide from what she already knew to be her reality for a week now. But how would he understand that? "He was an SVU detective, just like you were, Olivia, he'll understand if you just give him the chance…" she said in her head, maybe she could talk to him.

"El, baby, I..." He stood there waiting for her to finish what she was going to say. "I…"

"Liv…?" He called, feeling enthused. Was she going to tell him what he already knew, that they were having another baby?"

"...I'm gonna… I've got some work to finish " she couldn't do it and headed for the door.

"Liv"

"I'll try to not be too long." She said uneasily, already feeling so guilty. She kissed his cheek and hurried out of the room, closing the door behind her and headed down the stairs. Once at the landing, she collapsed in a heap on the bottom step, and cried silently, her hand covering her mouth. She couldn't be having another baby! God wouldn't do this to her. She loved Elliot with her whole heart, but a baby? It's funny because having them was always in her plans, so how did she get to a place where she was terrified of the the one thing she'd always wanted and now had?

…

Two o'clock in the morning, Serena woke up screaming. Growing teeth was hard work and this night, they kept her up, crying in pain.

"I'll get her baby. Go back to sleep. Elliot said to Olivia as they both were awakened and started to get out of bed.

"You sure?" He quickly kissed her on the cheek instead of answering and put on his robe, leaving the room, going just a few steps down the hall to Serena's room. Serena was standing in her crib, lit by the glow of her nightlight and crying incessantly. Elliot, reached out to her as soon as he entered the room.

"It's okay, baby." Elliot cooed softly, picking his daughter up and cradling her head against his chest and he kissed her, rocking slowly back and forth.

A bit later, after he had given Serena something for her tooth pain he sat in the rocking chair holding the near-sleeping baby while she nursed her bottle. It was quiet, not just in the nursery, but all through the house. Serena was making sounds in her sleep as she settled in Elliot's arms, and he could hear the sound of the downstairs grandfather clock ticking in the silence and for the first time in over a year, he wondered why the hell he'd insisted on buying the damn thing.

He stroked the child's long hair out of her face. Serena, her hand curling around Elliot's finger. He looked at her, she was out like a light and he carefully got up from the chair, carrying his little girl to her crib and then twisted the bottle in her mouth to unlatch her. Serena shifted and Elliot froze as the child whined, then turned back the bottle and with her eyes closed, found the nipple, sucking a few more times before she had again fallen asleep. This time when Elliot took it away from her, she stayed quiet and he carefully lay her down in her crib.

When he got back to their room, Ellioe took off his robe and climbed into their bed beside Olivia who was lying on her side away from him. He thought that she was asleep but all night she had just lain there, trying to close her eyes but never being able to with so much on her mind. There in the dark, Elliot, who had quickly gone back to sleep, shifted, scaring her and slid his arm around her, snuggling. She remembered when Harlan would curl up next to her and go to sleep after raping her, sometimes all night- "He's not Harlan. You're safe with him in this house…" she told herself as she reached for his hand. God she felt terrible about keeping something so big from him. She thought that things had changed been irreparably altered when Lowell Harris assaulted her years before, but then so much of her life had been changed from the moment William and Harlan Lewis entered. With William, she had begun rethinking her choices and decisions. With the rapes and her denial of those rapes; getting taken again and being assaulted before being forced to take part in what was eventually his death and her spiral. Then there was Harlan… Harlan made her change her plans! From the moment he'd first raped her that night to the months of sexual, physical and mental torture that incurred in that house! She still thought about them almost daily. Though the dreams had stopped, of that she was thankful. But still, there were days where she'd catch a glimpse of herself naked and she'd still break down and sob when she saw those scars that littered her body. The only one she could take pride in, being the scar she acquired after her baby was born.

Her baby.

She'd planned on aborting Serena. She'd come to her out of such atrocities. But after she'd escaped and after the initial shock wore off and she had time to think, she couldn't destroy something that had survived that horror. She felt that that baby was there for a reason; she didn't know it at the time but she herself had survived because of Serena. They had a bond in that they'd been through so much together; something no one else could understand. And though Serena was too young to even know it, she'd saved her mother, being the very thing that Olivia clung to when she couldn't make sense of things around her. She didn't need or want another child.

But this baby-

Feeling Elliot sleeping beside her, she reached back and felt the scruff on his face, causing him to smile and snuggle closer to her. God he'd love this baby! That's all that should matter in the end, that this baby will be loved and wanted- even if only one of them could. Maybe she'd change her mind. Maybe these feelings would go away and as this baby grew inside her, when she felt it kicking, moving, growing it would become real to her and maybe her feelings about it would change. She couldn't go through with an abortion. And the more she thought about it, she knew that she couldn't..

Then she thought back to the doctor a week ago, "...whatever you decide, it has to it be your decision…"

This would be her decision. It would be. And it was exactly her thought as she quietly called to her husband as she lay there with her back to him.

"...El?"

He heard her in his half-sleep, and groggily gave her a 'huh' there in the dark.

Now or never, Olivia… "I'm pregnant."

With his eyes closed, he said "Okay baby. I'll do it in the morn-" His brain had to take a moment to register what she'd just… "what did you just say?" He sat up and turned on the lamp at his bedside, wide awake now, with a huge grin across his face.

"I said…"

"...pregnant!" He knew that he'd already known, but Jesus, to hear it coming from her mouth confirming it... "...you are?" She immediately started to tear up again, glad to finally get it out and she took a deep breath.

"I am." He put his hand against her stomach

"My love!" And he kissed her lips. "Do you feel okay?"

"I feel fine. I just- El I'm so scared!" She said as tears rolled down her face. "I don't know if I can give myself to another child; what if I can't?"

"No. You'll be fine sweetheart. And I know you're scared, but there is nothing to be afraid of. Just like when you were unsure about Serena, I'm gonna be right here. You give me all of your fears, all of your worries and I swear I'll carry them," she nodded, unable to speak through her tears. "It's okay, come here." He said, taking her into his arms and holding her tight.

'We're having a baby." She thought to herself with no emotion, just her tears as she held onto Elliot. Why did she feel like she'd just made a huge mistake in telling him?

…

As the months passed, Elliot grew more and more ecstatic, and as Olivia's waistline grew, so did his happiness over their impending arrival. They found out that Olivia was carrying a boy this time around and even Serena was excited for her baby brother to arrive. Asking Elliot and Olivia everyday with her ever expanding language, is he coming today? And every day Olivia wanted to scream!

She found herself feeling more hopeless as the days grew shorter for his arrival. She didn't know what was wrong with her; her husband and daughter were absolutely thrilled at the prospect of welcoming this new life, but her feelings didn't change from the moment she first thought she might be pregnant. Months ago, she thought that she could get over her fears but as the months passed, she felt nothing but desperation. She didn't want this baby and his movements and kicks just served as a reminder of that every single day, and with it, an immeasurable sense of guilt. She had to deal with everyone being so excited, but she felt nothing. As far as she was concerned, she was just a vessel carrying this baby. She hated that she felt nothing. She wasn't amazed at his kicks, she didn't 'ooh' or 'ah' when she felt him moving; she hated it. Wishing with every movement he made that he wasn't there. Sometimes, when she was alone, she'd cry about the fact that he'd be here soon.

After the NIPT test revealed to her that she was having a boy, she was so thankful that Elliot was away for work, because she lost right there in the doctor's office in front of Serena, and took a while to calm down enough to go home. Even when they first showed him to her on the ultrasound and let her hear his heartbeat, she just wished that he wasn't there. Of course Elliot was amazed at seeing him for the first time and for him she faked her joy.

Around her sixth month, all of the stress began to take effect and like with Serena, she was diagnosed with high blood pressure. Except this time, she wasn't so lucky to be able to control it with just medication. This time it had evolved into mild pre-eclampsia and her doctor put her on light bed rest, but when it only grew into an advanced stage, Olivia had to adapt. That meant restricted bed rest. Thankfully her job was understanding and allowed her to do her work from home while basically living in bed, and it was only then, being alone, and Serena no longer breastfeeding that she came to acknowledge the child that was growing inside her. One day, in her seventh month as she was lying there trying to read, the baby began kicking as if trying to get her attention. It would kick, then stop, and kick again and then stop and when she still didn't give in, it began to kick all over again until finally, Olivia couldn't take it, and for the first time, she rubbed her belly to get the baby to settle down and she went back to reading her book. That only got him worked up and pretty soon, he was all over the place, and she, at her wits end threw the book down that she was reading and turned from her side onto her back and just stared at her moving belly.

"You can't be hungry, I just ate." She said to her large bump. The baby put a foot out, making a well defined print in her belly that she couldn't help but poke. When she did, the baby quickly retreated and poked out a hand on the other side of her belly. She shook her head and ignoring it, picked up her book again, but the hand stuck out a few more times, obviously trying to coax her into playing with it.

"...I wish I felt different," she said, putting her book down on her belly. "I wish that I felt the love for you that I know I should…"

Then two days ago, she began having those dreams about Harlan, and that pretty much confirmed what she had already felt about her son and took her thinking to a whole new level that she couldn't discuss with anyone, and now…

...

Present day...

They had to rush Olivia to the delivery room as the baby's head was already down in the birth canal but she had been pushing for twenty minutes and was no closer to getting him here. Exhausted, she lay back, breathing laboriously as she buried her head in Elliot's chest, weeping. In spite of his trying to comfort her as best he could, she was having a hard time with the blinding pain.

"I don't want this baby!" She cried. And she meant it with every part of her but Elliot took it as just the utterings of a woman in labor and encouraged her to keep pushing. He didn't understand that she couldn't do it because she felt hopeless at this point and she continued to cry as her body tried to deal with the pain of childbirth.

"You're doing great, Olivia." Dr. Cayman said. "Another few pushes and you should be holding him." She smiled just as one of the monitors that they had hooked up to Olivia started to go off loudly.

The doctor began shouting orders to the nurses who moved quickly around a frightened Elliot and Olivia, who didn't understand what was happening.

"What's going on?"

"Were gonna give your wife some oxygen and turn her on her side" the nurse said as they moved into action.

"His heart rate is dropping," the doctor said as the nurse put the oxygen mask on Olivia. "Olivia, I need you to push with all you can, we've got to get the baby out!

"El…" Olivia cried, pain gripping her. For the first time since finding out that she was pregnant, she was scared for her baby.

"It's gonna be okay!" Elliot said, trying to smile and sound calm but inside, he was praying like he'd never done before as he swept her hair back from her sweaty forehead and she squeezed his hand.

The doctor had Olivia pushing for what seemed to her and Elliot like hours but was only a few minutes in actuality. Still, when you're in a moment that's life and death, the minutes can drag on. Olivia pushed and pushed, never getting a break in between. Now she was pushing, past feeling hopeless and just wanting this little one out and safe. Suddenly the baby came sliding out, into the doctor's hands amidst the still of the delivery room. Elliot crying.

"You did it, baby," He said to Olivia and kissed her forehead. She was lying there on the table, her breathing heavy, but she was so glad that it was finally over! Then suddenly she noticed that in the bustle of the room, the nurses rushing the baby off to the exam table, another nurse calling the pediatrician and still more of them crowding around him; it was too quiet.

"What's going on?"

"I'm sure they're just-" Elliot started

"...no, he's not crying…" she cried, tiredly sitting up part-way. "...why isn't he crying, El? Why isn't he crying?!"