A/N: Whoo! Happy Holidays (although a bit late) and happy early update! So, this chapter didn't turn out how I planned, but I like it better this way. Highly encourage everyone reading this to read it and listen to "Last Hope" by Paramore since, I think, it perfectly captures the emotional state of Bella right now. I still don't own the twilight franchise, or any songs, lyrics or artists mentioned. Any other stuff is my own. Important news at the bottom but for now…
Enjoy!
When You Love Someone
Chapter Seven: Last Hope
It's been three months since I've been welcomed to stay in the Volturi and three months since my big blowup with Alice and Edward.
The calendar that I regretfully bought, mocked me from my wall as the date stared me on. I look at my phone, the same phone Alice had given me, which lied on my dresser and it mocked me too.
I knew Alice's number is programmed in. I also knew Jake's number is in there as well. I knew that all I would need to do is send a simple one-worded text. I also knew how hard that one text would be to send.
Three months of silence.
I knew she could have texted me too. I don't know if Jake knew what happened but for my sanity, I would say no. I know my friend and I know he would have tried to stop me from going into the lion's den. I mean he was a shapeshifter whose sworn duty was to protect his people from creatures like me.
Except, I know he knew what I am now. A few weeks after my transformation I received a very angry visit from both Jake and Leah. First yelling (loudly I might add) about how I couldn't have thrown away my life for anything. Then tears (mostly from Jake) about how if none of them had gotten to me in time I wouldn't be here, and he couldn't handle losing his sister. Then, finally, laughter. Jake and his infectious humor had us all laughing about the fun we could have together.
Safe to say that didn't happen.
I bet on anything Alice was giving me space. We didn't leave on the best of terms and I'm sure the family was following her example.
I especially knew that Edward wasn't going to call me. Now whether I want him too or not is a different story because I didn't even know the answer.
Staring back at the calendar, then to the phone, I knew a lot of things, and one of those things is I don't know a lot more.
Why did Alice say what she did?
Why did none of them put up a fight?
I mean it's a good thing, I guess that they didn't since I fit well here. Or I guess I fit in as well as I can at least, but it seems too perfect. Too much of a setup. Of course, I just might be paranoid.
Then there was Alec. He was so hot and cold. One moment he seemed to care than the next he treats me like I'm the plague? Can vampires get whiplash? I'm not sure.
Jane doesn't seem to understand her brother's deal any more than I can. "Alec is pretty much Alec. He likes to keep things to himself and this is one of them. I told him to be nice to you, but he does what wants." Jane said when I approached her about it over our weekly game of chess. "Frankly, I don't know why he's being so rude, he even doesn't want to talk to me." Her hint of sadness told me it hurts more than she let on and now only am I frustrated for my sake but for hers as well.
Jane's his sister and although it's fine to treat me like crap not his sister. Honestly, I would talk to him but he's back to avoiding me. That's fine, I guess, he can do whatever he wanted.
If he wanted to be emo then fine, I don't want to deal with another moody, complicated man. So once our game was done and Jane went off to talk to Aro about an upcoming mission I came to my room to escape from my thoughts from Alec, I started to think about Edward, followed by Alice then Jake and the cycle repeated itself.
So here I am, on my bed, knees up to my chest as I stared at the wall. The date and my phone mocking me and not being able to take it anymore, I stood from my bed and went to the place I knew I'll be properly distracted.
The library is quiet, with no one in here and I quickly made my way to the familiar shelf and grabbing the book and made my way to my usual corner. Away from the doors and in the little corner, the table hidden by the pillar.
Flipping through Didyme's book I stoped at the pages where they begin to be incomplete. Her handwriting wasn't as elegant as the other recipes, not as neat or orderly but more scrambled and harsher than the others; like she was in s rush to put it all down.
Every time I go through this book, it becomes more obvious that she was working on something, something big. I wonder if any of the others knew about this. I mean I'm sure they did but the amount of dust that was on the book when I first picked it up means that no one had looked through it for quite some time. I wonder why Marcus didn't?
Didyme was his mate and it was obvious by the way he talks about her, he loved her very much, still loves her I would say. Maybe it was too painful for him? I'm sure it would bring a lot of unhappy memories. I sure as hell wasn't going to ask him or any of the Kings for that matter, but I could ask someone who was there.
Closing the book and placing it back on the shelf, I hurry to the one person I could talk too. She was probably in her room. Walking down the hallway I spot her door and knocking once I enter to find her on sofa reading.
"Hey Bella, what's up?" Jane asks not taking her eyes off her book.
"Hey Jane" I say as walk over to her sitting beside her. "Hey" I start off sounding nervous even to me
"Can I ask you something a little weird?" I say hesitantly
"If it's about my brother I'm no help, he doesn't talk to me about his personal stuff" She says smirking at me.
Surprised I shake my head. Do I really ask about him that much that her automatic answer is Alec?
"Yeah you do" She says laughing quietly
Embarrassed that I asked that question out loud, I look towards the wall and purse my lips as Jane continues to laugh.
"Oh, Bella its fine. I think its sweet. Besides he asks about you all the time" She says coyly bumping me with her elbow.
Now that shocked me to my core. He hasn't bothered to say hello to me when we're in the same vicinity and now he asks about me? For a moment I forget what I was going to ask her, and my focus is on this new information.
"Really? Well, that's surprising" I say keeping my eyes hidden.
"Yeah" Jane chuckles "That's Alec for you. Full of surprises. So, if you weren't going to ask about him what did you want to ask me" She looks at me smiling and thinking back to my original question I try and find the best way to ask it.
"Jane" I start off slowly "I've been reading a lot about our history and I keep seeing a name pop up. Marcus's mate, Didyme" When I say her name, Jane's good mood suddenly vanishes, and her smile turns into a deep frown. Nodding somberly Jane whispers
"The Lost Queen."
"Yes" I say matching her tone "I learned that she died during the battle of Volterra but that's all I know about her. I was wondering if you happened to know more or if you knew her?" I asked looking at her carefully as her shoulders slumped and her head falls. As if the very subject is heavy on her shoulders.
"I don't mean to upset you, I just, this isn't something I don't think I should ask Marcus or the other kings about since it seems rather…sensitive" I say trying to find the right word.
Sighing she nods her head and looking at me her eyes were heavy and held a pain I haven't seen from her. "Yes, that's wise. Marcus doesn't like to talk about it too much, she was his mate and Aro well, she was his sister. The Kings don't talk about it so neither do we. In fact, I wouldn't advise you asking anyone else about this" She warns, looking at me gravely. "You're my friend Bella and if your going to be staying with us, you deserve to know about her but, don't ask anyone else. It's a hard topic, I mean if Aro is the head and Caius is the muscle than Marcus and Didyme were the heart of the Volturi." She says sadly. "But Yeah I knew her. She was a magnificent queen. I was honored to serve her" Jane smiles, pride in her sad smile.
"What was she like Jane?" I ask
"She was...special." Jane says thinking and smiling at her memories "Didyme was very gentle, always wanting to make things better, make us better, make herself better as well. Yet she knew just what to say to pick us up even if it required tough love. She was very similar to Aro in regard of always wanting to push forward. Finding the next great. Whatever that may be. However, where Aro searches for new talent, Didyme always searched in how to grow that talent." Jane explained "Aro may have the gift knowing any thought, Didyme knew any and all capabilities that vampire could do. She knew how to make them better. It was quite amazing." Jane says, admiration showing in her eyes.
"Oh, and Marcus, Marcus was absolutely devoted to her. They made quite a match. Marcus always quiet, always thinking while Didyme was a talker. She could talk about anything and everything and Marcus would just sit there and listen to her happily." Jane chuckles softly remembering, her eyes drifting off.
"When Carlisle came to visit and stayed with us, he also grew very close to Didyme. They had similar interests you know and the same ideas about philosophy. It was Carlisle who managed to convince her to go hunting with him a few times and even after he left, she kept at it; hunting animals whenever the urge hit her."
"She was amazing, I just wish I had more time to know her" She sighs sadly "I only knew her about a century before the war broke out. I was assigned to protect Aro's wife while Alec was assigned to protect Didyme. Out of the both us, he was the one that knew her best and unfortunately, he was the one who took it the hardest when she died" Jane says, biting her lip before looking fiercely at me.
"It wasn't his fault by the way" She says angrily, looking at the wall. "Before the battle, all of the guard were ordered to reassign, including Alec and myself. In battles like that; our roles are defensive, to protect our family until the end but Alec refused. He wanted to protect her, but he had to move and there was so much fighting. It was hard to keep track of anybody. By the time the battle was over, no one could find her and there was so much ash everywhere…I…we searched for days but we didn't find any trace of her. It was Caius who finally decreed her dead since Marcus nor Aro would stop looking so that they could both grieve properly" Jane whispered, her voice getting smaller with each word, her face haunted.
Wanting to keep her out of that horrible memory I asked something that caught my ear "Wait, wait you said that Carlisle visited first? Before the battle?"
"Yes" She blinked and looked at me her eyes clear
"Well how can that be right? I thought the battle of Volterra was the last battle of Aro's rebellion?" I aske confused
"What no, the battle of Volterra was the last battle to quench the Romanian rebellion. There was Aro's rebellion but that took place centuries before I even came to join the guard and when I did the last of the Romanians and anyone loyal to them took up their own rebellion." Jane explained
"Where did you hear that information? It was the other way around" Jane laughs looking questioning at me and deciding to keep it to myself responded "I guess I must have misread it somewhere" I say chuckling
"Well, regardless, the past is the past and no can change it. All we can do is move on" Jane says before picking her book back up. Getting up I ask playfully
"I'm actually going to go hunting, care to join me Jane?" I ask with the sweetest smile on my face as she scrunches her nose.
"Ugh! Pass! The smell is revolting and unless you really want me too and I mean you desperately want my company I'll decline" She says, her attitude picking up with the old Jane reappearing. Laughing at her antics I wave goodbye before she says
"Ask my brother, he's expressed interest in hunting animals before, see if he's not being weird and ask if he wants to go with you." She says, with a shit eating grin and I throw a pillow at her before I leave.
I can hear her laughing all the way down the hallway as I shake my head.
Like that's going to happen.
Running underneath the trees and the seeing the darkening skies I let my mind wonder to my conversation with Jane.
If what she told me is true, which I don't doubt seeing Jane has no reason to lie to me, why would Marcus say it was Aro's rebellion instead of the Romanians? I doubt Marcus would forget which side it was, considering his personal loss connected with it. Why would he try and mislead me?
Plus, Didyme's book, the missing notes, the mysterious last page and the smudged wording with the mysterious number. Having memorized the wording I think back to the last page.
For the ever-growing knowledge of our race and the security of our species, this new discovery would change our histories forever. I shall hope that I may get the chance to the steps to pursue it.
225
What could she mean? The whole thing seems rather confusing. It seems the more I discover the more questions I have. Sighing and wanting to make this hunt quick, I finish off my meal and sensing I have company I stand wondering what he's doing.
"Alec, will you please not do that" I ask turning around as he jumps from the tree looking sheepish at being caught.
"Sorry" Is all he says, bringing his hand up and moving his hair out of his face.
"Why did you follow me again?" I ask, frustration in my voice
Still looking sheepish "I was curious, about the diet and since you were going hunting, I figured it looked less suspicious if I went along" For the first time I see his eyes as they have a lighter hue of red in them, with a slight line of deep orange around the iris.
"You hunted animals?" I say shocked as he takes a defensive stance, crossing his arms and letting out a huff.
"You're one to be surprised and yes I, indeed hunted animals. They are not as bad as one can be led to believe, and I did it in the name of science. I've been curious" He says again and this time his eyebrows knit together as he avoids my eyes.
He was embarrassed.
Smiling, deciding to go easy on him I say "It's okay Alec, you don't need to defend yourself with me. I think its great that your trying something new. In the name of science of course" I smirk as he looks at me, his tense posture loosening.
Letting out a small breath he says quietly "well yes, I think so as well." He says moving closer to me. "What were you thinking so heavily about?" He asks
"Oh, nothing really. Just…." Stammering trying to find an excuse as he stares at me, his light red eyes looking into my amber ones.
"Just?" He says softly moving closer to me.
"Just different things I guess" I whisper as he stands right in front of me as we continue to look at one another, our gazes never wavering.
"Hm, what kinds of things" he asks his voice taking on a lower tone, almost husky.
"Curious things, confusing things" I whisper as he brings his hand up and brushes a stand of hair behind my ear.
He brings his other hand to my arm, grazing it with his fingers, his touch bringing that electricity to my skin. "What do you to me?" He whispers softly "You seem to make me question everything I am" He asks quietly
"Is that a bad thing?" I ask softly, taking a bold step closer to him, our bodies lightly touching as I bring my hand up to his chest, feeling his still heart under my palm.
"I don't know" He answers honestly, his eyes holding an internal battle that I can't see. With a short hiss he breaks our gaze and with a squeeze of my arm hastily takes a few steps back, away from me until were a good distance apart.
Blinking in surprise, he gives me a weird look before running off, leaving me alone in the forest confused as ever.
Deciding to walk at a human pace back to the castle thoughts of Alec run through my mind. He treats me so hot and cold. Making me think he wants me, wanting to kiss him than making me think he hates me with how much he seems to want to get away from me.
Then there was Marcus and his…I guess half-truth. Giving me false information on a very important war that resulted in Didyme's death.
Then there was Didyme herself. She died over a thousand years ago, a mate of one of the kings, a sister of another and yet her very presence is always on my mind but nowhere to be found. There aren't any portraits of her anywhere in the castle, no mention of her name except in her written book and the most puzzling of all: No one seems to want to talk about it.
Jane seemed very serious and a little scared of the idea of me talking about Didyme to anyone else. Could it have been that bad? That ugly? Jane seemed to have really admired her, loved her even; if you lost someone so close to you wouldn't you want to remember them? Even Marcus when I first found her book, seemed surprised it was even there.
From Didyme's mystery to Alec's puzzling actions the Volturi is not at all at what it appears to be and here I am, brand new, not knowing where my place is, what I or if I mean anything to one of the most influential vampires in the guard, a close friend to another and everything in between.
Sighing I stop and sit down where I stood, not wanting to move anymore, not wanting to think. I just want to forget about everything. Pretend that everything was back to normal.
That I was back at the Cullen's with Alice talking to me about the newest fashion trend while Jasper sits next to her, ever calm reading one his history books. Carlisle is up in his study while Esme tends to her garden and Emmett is playing a video game and Rose is tinkering in the garage.
Then there would be Edward. He would be sitting at his piano, composing another brilliant beautiful song while I sit and listen to the music or we both sit on the couch reading, throwing each other little smiles or catching a glance.
I would visit Jake and Leah; seeing the pack, my extended family. Sam and Emily would have gotten married and might have a child on the way. Jake probing to see how Leah likes marriage and no doubt making Jake sweat. Seth would have started his sophomore year and maybe gained the courage to ask out that girl he was crushing on.
Paul would be moody, but Rachel would calm him down because I beat his ass in dance, dance revolution. Jared would be making jokes as the pack would gather around no doubt for dinner. I would still help Emily in the kitchen (even if I can't taste anything anymore) and leave happy, Jake even inviting the Cullen's next time.
Everyone would be happy. Everyone would be content. Everyone gets their happy ending.
"I'm sorry Bella. I know you don't believe me now, but we had too. We had too to get everyone's happy ending" Alice said.
Everyone's except mine. Is this supposed to be how my story ends? My true love being someone else's. Constantly being uncertain of another's feelings. Never knowing where we stand? Am I going to be alone forever? Living a nomadic lifestyle, floating from one place to another without any real purpose? Or to hide in the shadows? Living in a world that wasn't mine anymore, constantly pretending on what I'm not? Hiding who I really am?
What kind of bullshit is this?
Feeling the tears that will never fall I hug myself as I fight the tidal wave of emotion; everything that could have been, the happy memories that would have been made run though my mind like a horrible movie. The dream versions of us all, mocking me with their smiles and laughter.
What am I doing here? What am I doing? I need guidance. I need someone. I need help.
With a sigh, I take my phone out of my pocket and before I have a chance to think I hit the number, hearing it ring.
Once.
Twice.
So, on the third ring when I decide to hang up, I hear a soft "Hello"
Hesitating since I really didn't plan this far, I bring it up to my ear as I hear her voice again
"Hi Bella, I'm glad you called"
Silence.
"Listen, I know you probably don't know what to say right now so I'll do the talking until you want to talk alright?"
More silence.
"I'm sorry about how we left things. It wasn't my place to tell you about…what happened with Edward and believe me none of us are happy with him for it. He should have handled it better. Frankly we should have all handled it better." She trails off as if thinking back to that day.
I know I am.
"Alice" I say softly
"Yeah" She says quickly
"Alice the reason I called wasn't for pleasantries." I say, my voice hoarse "The reason I called, I guess, to be honest, I – I don't know what I'm doing." I confess
"Alice before I left, you told me something and I can't stop thinking about it. You told me about having to tell me, to get everyone's happy ending. That there are things happening that are bigger than just relationship troubles." I say shakily, grabbing the hem of my blouse nervously.
"Look I know things were bad, in fact things are still bad, but Alice I don't know anymore. I thought that becoming one of you, being like you. Being like him. Being with him would solve everything but it hasn't. I think it just might have made things worse. And – Taking a deep breath "and you were the first friend I ever made; when I was alone and confused about everything else. You've never lied to me, you've always told me the truth even when it would be easier to lie so Alice, please, I need the truth, can you tell me the truth?"
"Am I supposed to be here, in the Volturi, am I supposed to fix something?" I ask thinking about Alec, Jane, Felix, Dimitri, Marcus, Caius, Aro and especially the elusive Didyme. "Am I supposed to find something? Is that why I'm here? Is that what you meant? Because Alice if not, then please tell me what is because I'm at my wits end and I feel that maybe I wasn't supposed to be saved that day." I confess, the secret in my heart being let free as I say what I dared not to think about.
"Bella" Alice breathed "Everything that happened; James, Victoria and her vengeance, your change. Everything was supposed to happen and even if it wasn't, Bella, we would have still saved you. Bella we would have done everything to save you because your life is worth something, every life is worth something. It was just meant to happen." Alice says quietly
"And I know your hurt and confused, I've seen it. Alec and Jane, Marcus and his lost mate and Aro and Caius. I've seen everything. I've seen more than I could have imagined and yet I haven't seen enough. I can answer your questions Bella, but if I do it would change too much." Alice says regretfully, her voice growing quiet.
"There is however, one person that can answer some questions you have. He won't be able to answer everything and in fact I would heavily suggest that you only ask him what needs to be asked and nothing more. I would ask when your certain that you won't be overheard. I would keep things you've learned to yourself for now. I know you know more about certain things, you probably know more than I do actually." Alice says with a sad laugh "and it needs to be kept that way."
"There are people Bella, that know more. They know more about certain things than anyone else and there is danger Bella. If you keep going down the path your currently on, you will find yourself in grave danger, but you will find your answers. I haven't seen it; but I know you Bella. You're too strong, too loving not too and you'll know what it is when you see it, when you find it. I saw that you are going to call him, and you'll find it eventually. You'll bring a lot of healing to a lot of people, but at a cost I just don't what it is" Alice warns, her voice grave and raspy
"But Bella you're on the path and it wouldn't hurt to let others in. You were my first friend too. I know I hurt you, I know we all hurt you but don't let that stop you from letting others in. I know you may not believe me, but I love you, we all do. Even Edward, in his own way, we all do."
Hearing his name, I hiss out a breath, biting my lip. Scrunching my eyes closed I say "Thank you Alice. For all this."
"Your welcome, your still my sister and I'm always there for my sister" She says and before she can hang up, I quickly say
"and I'm sorry too. About how we left things. I could have handled it better. I could have listened instead of running off. I love you Alice, I still love all of you, I'm just confused is all." I admit smiling for the first time during the call.
"I'm glad to hear it and I know. Me too. Even with the gift of sight, I can't see everything, but some things you just know, and Bella I promise everything your doing, everything you will do it will lead to a lot of good."
"I hope so" I whisper
"I know so" Alice says, confident "Also you may want to end the call. I see someone coming to look for you and she may be your new best friend if you just let her in. Also, for your own peace of mind since I know you want to ask. Edward's mate will be one of us. She will turn and Bella – Her name is Astrid" Alice says quietly before the phone beeps signally the end of the call.
Erasing the evidence on my phone I slide it into my pocket and stand just as Jane comes running through the trees, looking concerned.
"Bella there you are!" She says relieved
"Jane" I ask questionably, surprised to see her
Grabbing my hand, she squeezes tightly, looking worried "Bella I'm sorry. Alec came back to the castle and when he you didn't come back, he grew worried. Are you okay?" Jane says in a rush. "He thinks you might have been hurt"
I smiled at her concern and squeezing her hand back I assured her I was fine.
"But he looked so alarmed, he was convinced you were hurt somehow!" She exclaims, confused
"We were talking, and he might have said something hurtful" I say carefully not wanting to give too much away, shifting my eyes away.
"Oh, so that's what happened. I'm sorry Bella for whatever he said. Sometimes he has trouble communicating. In fact, he told me that when he didn't see you, he thought something might have happened, but he just got sent on a mission with Chelsea. He would have come with me if it wasn't urgent" Jane explained
"He left" I asked surprised
"Yes, um, right after he told me what happened Aro sent them to check on a vampire coven in the south, apparently there are some skirmishes happening that need handling" She says, sounding calmed "But as long your okay, I was a bit worried is all" She says embarrassed
Turning away she starts to run before I call after her, following Alice's advice "Wait Jane!" I yell as she comes to a stop, turning around confused.
"I'm not being totally honest with you. Um, something did happen between your bother and I and I guess I'm a little embarrassed about it, but I don't know who else to talk too" I admit, wringing my hands.
"Oh! Well, um, I'm sure whatever it is it can't be that bad" She says awkwardly, giving me a smile.
"Well…" I say giving a short grimace as I follow her lead and for the next hour until dawn, I tell her everything that happened. To meeting him in the forest, spending the afternoon together (which I didn't mention the sanctuary to keep my promise) and everything that happened after.
At parts she looked shocked, then others angry (thankfully not at me) and other times slightly embarrassed which I'm not surprised it is her brother.
She laughed at others and for the first time I felt that we had a deeper connection than just friendly respect. I felt that she is finally my friend. So, before dawn breaks, I ask "Jane? Did I ever tell you the real reason I came here alone?"
Shaking her head, no, I smile sadly before saying "Can I tell you about it?" I ask shyly
"Sure, that's what friends are for right?" She asks, looping her arm through mine as we walk back, telling her how the lion fell in love with the lamb and everything that happened after.
I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try I push it, I realize I gotta let go of control
Gotta let it happen, just let it happen
It's just a spark but its enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing
Last Hope: Paramore
A/N: Okay! Yeah lots of good stuff that happened! Some development with all our players here and Bella is finally letting someone in and talking with Alice again. We also know a bit more about Edward's mysterious new mate…hmm maybe it's something worth knowing for future chapters or maybe its me just adding some more details to make all of you think. Leave me some love in the comments and as always REVIEW! I love seeing everyone's reviews.
Also: This will be the last chapter of 2019 with updates starting again on Jan. 13; the holidays are coming to end here in the states and this break will allow me to catch up on wiring chapters that I didn't get too during this period and make some edits. So because I won't get too Happy (early) New Years to you all and I'll see you in the new year!