He did not wake to Ms Lovegood or anyone else the following morning, much to his relief. His only interruptions were the twice daily dressing changes and the thrice daily meal trays. Too weak to get out of bed to do anything more taxing than take a piss, wandless, and bookless, his day passed very slowly, leaving him with only his thoughts and his memories, neither of which were especially therapeutic.
Why had Ms Lovegood really felt the need to hold vigil at his bedside? He sensed there was something more to her sudden interest in him than just the fact she had been grateful that he had "protected" her at Malfoy Manor. But no one other than that strange witch could really see what he had done as anything other than heinous.
His body shuddered as the memories involuntarily invaded his thoughts. Try as he might, his mental shields were even weaker than his physical body. He had had to pretend the young witch was one of the buxom bartenders he had once lusted over in Hogsmeade to even complete the evil act; an older, curvier, more willing and more experienced witch and not the half starved, teenage-student he had known since the age of 11 to whom The Dark Lord expected him to teach a lasting lesson about defiance and blood-purity in front of an audience of other Death Eaters. He had managed to do so to the Dark Lord's satisfaction, but just barely. At least they left her alone after that, convinced she had nothing else of value to give.
The taste of acid filled his mouth as his stomach turned. She had not made a sound during the entire encounter, and when he pulled away, her gaze stayed on the darkness out the window, her eyes half closed, her small frame visibly trembling.
When it was over, The Dark Lord smiled upon him and patted his shoulder. When Severus had implied to the gathering he would like permission to have the girl as his own for later use, The Dark Lord granted him exclusive access and forbade any of the others from touching her. "An interesting choice, Severus. But she comes from a long pureblood line and seems... quite compliant now," the Dark Lord sneered and the room laughed. Severus had forced a laugh as well as he thanked him with a glare toward Rookwood and Lestrange.
The taste of bile replaced the acid as he tried to push back both the memories and the urge to vomit. He was not deserving of any gratitude from anyone, especially the eccentric blonde Ravenclaw to whom he had most certainly done irreparable harm.
He pulled back the beige sleeve of his hospital robe to look down at his left forearm. The Dark Mark had faded, leaving only a crisscross of scars to remind him of what once was.
With a sigh, Severus repositioned himself on the cot, pulling the sheets tight around his frame when he noticed the witch's copy of The Prophet laid half hidden under the bedside table. He pulled down the stiff linens and grabbed it.
"IN HONOUR OF THOSE LOST TOO SOON," the headline read. So many faces looked up from the pages, all familiar. Too many faces, too many students. He stared at each in turn, fifty-six in total. The last was his own.
The wizarding world thought he was dead. At least that was some good news. He tossed the paper onto the table and pulled the linens over him once again.
The following morning, his silence was interrupted by another unexpected guest. "How can you be so cruel?" Neville Longbottom shouted at him from the foot of his bed the moment his eyes opened from a potion induced dreamless slumber.
He took a step closer, the healing bruises along his cheekbones now evident. "She has been so worried about you since the moment we found you still barely breathing on the floor of that damn shack. She insisted we apparate despite her state directly here instead of bringing you back to the castle. Insisting on your health and wellbeing above her own. And you can't even fake a little gratitude?"
He raised an eyebrow. "She is injured?" He forced out barely above a whisper despite the expected slicing pain to his throat. He felt his gut lurch. He had not bothered to ask about her own wellbeing. In fact, he had barely bothered to observe her condition at all. She had been through the battle at Hogwarts. She must have taken some injury.
Neville laughed. "She didn't tell you? Oh Merlin. I can't believe she has been sitting at your bedside all this time and still has not told you." He threw his hands in the air. "No. I can't be the one. You will find out soon enough. One way or another." He stepped to the bedside and leaned in close. "But if you hurt her again, I promise you there is a whole line of people waiting behind me that would be happy to show you how we feel about that."
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. "I do not know what she wants from me?" He hissed in a loud whisper.
Neville scoffed as he leaned closer. "She doesn't want anything from you. But for some strange reason, she can't stomach the thought of you being here all alone. Probably the same reason she begged me to come looking for you in the first place. Said it was wrong for you to be left alone there while the rest of the World celebrated a victory you had a hand in or something like that. It's Luna. Who can really know what goes on in that head of hers?" He threw his arms up as he stepped back.
Severus snorted in response. Who indeed?
"Anyway, she made me come to return this to you. She had planned on doing it herself but was not sure she would be welcome." Neville set down Severus's wand on the bedside table. "She's been extra scattered lately and had forgotten that she found it in the Shack until yesterday."
Severus nodded.
Neville Longbottom turned and left the room without another word.
He sighed. He really was a terrible person. Ms Lovegood had meant well, and he could not even fake a bit of gratitude toward her. She had come to tell him something and he shewed her away like a doxy from the drapes.
It only now occurred to him that she must have returned to Hogwarts to fight after her escape from Malfoy's Manor even after everything she had been through. Even after her father being sent to Azkaban and her friends being put in exile or tortured by the Carrows. Even after the abuse she'd suffered at the Manor, at his hands and others. She did not have to return. She had already done enough, but she had.
He groaned to drown out the growing discomfort deep in his chest. He rang the bell at the bedside table and a nurse-witch responded a minute later. "Yes, Mr Snape?"
"I need to write a letter," he whispered.
"Of course."
Within a minute, the witch returned with a quill, a bottle of ink, and some parchment. "Breakfast will be ready shortly. I can pick up your letter when I bring in your tray."
He nodded.
As she left, he swung his legs over the edge of the cot and pulled over the bedside table.
Ms Lovegood. My apologies.
He paused. What else was there to say? I don't know why you care? You should not waste your energy? Find something better to do with your time? I am not worth it? The world thinks I am dead, why don't we leave it at that?
Your concern for my well being is difficult for me to understand but never-the-less appreciated.
Was that true? Appreciated may be too strong a word. A better word might be acknowledged, but that felt too hollow.
Thank you,
S Snape
He reread the brief note and decided anything else would be too much. He folded it over and placed Luna Lovegood's name on the front. He only hoped an owl would be able to locate her as he actually had no idea where she might be staying. He knew her father's home had been destroyed the afternoon that Death Eaters had been summoned there in hopes of capturing Harry Potter. He had no idea where she might have spent the time between her escape from Malfoy Manor and her return to Hogwarts. Would she have returned there now or perhaps she is staying with friends elsewhere?
He set the letter on the table and kicked his feet back into bed. Even the short amount of time upright seemed to drain him of most of his energy and send his head swimming. He sighed and laid his head back onto his pillow to stare up at the ceiling. He was a terrible person, but perhaps he could be less so.
A/N: Love me or hate me, but please review me!