His house was more of a disaster than he had previously appreciated. The spines of the books on the many shelves that lined his sitting room were hardly visible through the dust. The furniture had migrated into a haphazard array and empty tumblers sat on every flat surface. He charmed the dust pans and dusters to get to work followed by the broom and the mop and pushed the sofa, end tables, and chair back into place.
As he struggled to find his breath, he cursed his still ailing body. He could not recall the last time he had really cleaned the place as he hated wasting energy on cleaning spells. He supposed Pettigrew had done a fair job during his brief stay, but it was likely nothing had been dealt with since.
He ascended the narrow staircase to the bedrooms, his heart rate reminding him yet again of his weakened state. He coughed and then spasmed as a sudden burn stung his throat and chest. So much dust. He mumbled his irritation under his breath as he glanced at the old, worn bedding. The linens were probably older than his soon-to-be house guest. He would have to do something about that later. He performed a cleansing charm to the bedding before manually making the bed and fluffing the sad lumpy pillows. He did the same in the second bedroom before setting to work a second broom and duster.
As he stepped into the bathroom, finding dressing supplies, ointments, potions and empty bottles strewn about haphazardly and the St Mungo's gown still on the floor, he groaned. When did he become such a sloven?
His silent contemplations were suddenly interrupted by a pounding at his front door.
"Severus. I know you are here, and I am not afraid to blast through this door," said the stern but feminine Scottich brogue.
He stepped out of the bathroom and moved back down the stairs. He swung the front door wide. Knowing whom he would see, he scowled at the elder witch in green robes.
"Why did you not tell me you were alive? Why did I have to hear the rumors, Severus?" Minerva McGonagall returned his sour look.
"Why are you here, Minerva?" He sighed.
She stepped over the threshold. "Of course I will come in, thank you."
He followed her into the sitting room, his jaw clenched. "Minerva, I have no patience for games."
"I asked first. You answer first."
"I have been a bit preoccupied." He sighed.
"Now what trouble have you caused?" She stuck a finger in his chest.
He stepped back, sinking into the threadbare davenport, his hands on his face.
"Severus?" She approached and placed a hand on his shoulder, sitting down beside him. "It was in jest."
He swallowed hard. "But that is it, I have caused trouble. There is no proper way to say it." He cleared his throat. "But I have caused irreparable harm to a former student, and I do not know how to remedy it."
She stiffened beside him. "What sort of harm?" Her voice was tense.
He closed his eyes as the breath stuck in his lungs. He pulled up every mental shield he could muster to keep the memories from flooding in.
"Severus? I cannot help you without the facts."
He stood, approaching the fireplace to stare into the blackness. "I should have refused to do it." He heard the words to the Dark Lord demanding the deed from him. "There had to be another alternative, I just did not seek hard enough. I should not have touched her." He paced the room as he pushed back the faces in his memories of the masked figures surrounding the pale, thin frame of Luna Lovegood stripped to nothing but her knickers. "But if it weren't me, it would have been another. I could not spare her that, not without losing everything we were working toward. Not without losing my hard-fought position and confidence. Even an ounce of concern for her would have shattered it all. I had to, didn't I? I had to."
The witch stood and blocked his path, placing her hands on his shoulders. "Look at me, Severus. Please?"
He met her gaze, full of concern and even compassion.
"I raped the girl, Minerva. I've done something that can never be undone. Took something that can never be returned."
She did not pull away but her gaze briefly shifted from compassion to horror to sympathy and back to compassion as she nodded. "Yes."
"I should have refused. There had to be another way. At the very least, I should have understood the consequences. I failed to take into consideration all the possibilities." He tried to push Minerva away but she held strong, still locking eyes with him.
"Who?" Her voice was soft but clear.
He closed his eyes and shook his head. "No."
"Severus, who is it?"
He turned away staring into the emptiness fireplace again. "But what is worse, is that she cannot seem to see the horror in what has been done. She does not seem to understand the burden she now carries. And I can't fix it. No magic exists to undo this."
"Maybe that is okay," she finally replied after a long silence.
"No," he almost shouted before regaining his composure. "You do not understand. It will never be okay, because it will never be over for her. She is with child."
"Oh dear," Minerva said under her breath. "Severus, I -"
"There is nothing you can say, Minerva. There are no appropriate words for this situation because this situation should not exist."
"So you have spoken with the student in question since?"
"Yes. The woman kept vigil at my damn bedside for three days."
"Lovegood?" Minerva's eyes widened as she stepped away. The Weasley's must have told her everything. Who else?
Lightheadedness overtook him, and he was forced to sit again. "Yes…it is Ms Lovegood, of all people."
Minerva sat in the chair opposite and kept her eyes trained on the faded rug before her. "You are sure?"
"Unfortunately." He sighed. "And…" he swallowed. "She has quickened."
"Merlin, Severus...I don't know what to say."
"There is nothing to be said. She will consider no alternatives."
"So you have spoken to her about that as well." She looked up at him.
"Indeed. In so much as you can speak to her about anything. But she is Ravenclaw afterall, so in her way, she has thoroughly considered her limited options."
Minerva nodded. "I feel like I greatly underestimated her early on. She has really become quite a remarkable witch.
Severus groaned. "And I've ruined any chance she has to make something of that."
"You do not think motherhood to be a worthy pursuit?" She raised an eyebrow as she studied him.
"Not like that. Not now. Not… not ...with me!" He gestured to his dust covered half-unbuttoned frock coat and ran his fingers through his overgrown hair. Almost anyone would be better.
She sighed again and folded her hands into her lap. "Severus, I know it goes against your very nature to be optimistic, but if anyone can make a regrettable situation into something positive, I believe it is Luna."
"So I should just let her be all sunshine and rainbows about this all then because you know that is her nature."
"And what is wrong with it? What does she accomplish dwelling on it?"
He grit his teeth. "But it is not something to be glad about. This will define her for the rest of her life?"
"Maybe. But maybe that's okay."
"No it is not. She is being punished for my crimes."
"It's only punishment if she feels it is."
He rubbed his temples. "So because she's okay with this, I am to be as well?"
"No." The witch moved to reposition herself on the sofa next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Just stop trying to convince her she should not be. Let her feel however she wants to feel and let that be acceptable. Don't let your guilt become hers, and stop trying to sooth your guilt through her."
His jaw tightened as he pulled away from her touch. "That is not -"
"Do not lie to yourself, or me, Severus. You want her to be angry with you because that would make you feel better."
His mouth opened to argue but he had no words of disagreement. "Yes. Perhaps a bit," he mumbled a bit sheepish. Minerva knew him better than he knew himself sometimes. He had often wondered how, but he supposed she had known him for a very long time.
"Well stop that. It isn't fair to her."
He swallowed and nodded. "Yes. But what can I do?"
"I do not think I can answer that. What do you want to do?"
"I want to make it right, but I don't know how." His shoulders slumped.
"Follow her lead perhaps?"
He sighed. "I invited her here."
Minerva eyed the charmed broom and duster. "That explains the cleaning. Your homemaking charms could use some work."
"To stay…" He put his head in his hands. "It was a laughable idea, but she accepted."
Minerva laughed under her breath. "You are a survivor, Severus. You always have been. You will get through this."
He sighed again. He was tired of being a survivor, but he did not think he knew how to be anything else. He had not known anything other than that since, well since his childhood if he were being honest. Could he really learn to be something different now?
"I hope perhaps, you may learn something from Ms Lovegood."
He pulled his hands away from his face and raised an eyebrow. "How's that?"
"A little bit of sunshine and rainbows would not hurt you."
He snorted. "I believe it might."
Minerva shook her head. "Even when all choices are terrible choices, we can still make the best of them."
"That is worthless advice, Minerva."
"You may think so now, but I think it will mean more later."
"I don't know how to share space. I have not done so since seventh year and you know I prefered my space even then."
She put her arm around him. "Just be kind, Severus."
He tensed at her touch. "I will try." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Truly."
"Well, now that I have verified the fact of your survival. I think I can leave you to your efforts." She stood. Her eyes narrowed, "But Severus, I mean it. You better be kind to her or else she has a -"
"-whole line of people waiting behind you that would be happy to show you how they feel about that." He finished, parroting Mr Longbottom's words from St Mungos.
The witch's both snapped shut. She raised her brow.
"You aren't the first to say as much, and I imagine not the last."
"Luna has that effect on people, Severus."
He nodded. "Yes." Even on him.
She stood and flicked her wand at the broom and duster, calming their erratic motions into more effective ones before cleansing the rug with another flourish of her wand. "I am here if you need anything."
He nodded. "Thank you, Minerva."
She patted his shoulder. "It will all work out. Just be kind." She stepped from his sitting room and disapperated once outside his wards.
He sank back into the sofa mentally, physically, and magically exhausted.
A/N: Thank you all for the follows, reviews, and support. Please keep them coming as they are strong motivators for me.