The following morning, Luna found him reading the Daily Prophet in the sitting room as she exited the bookcase doorway. He looked up as she entered.
"Good morning, Severus." She paused, her bright eyes scanning him. "You look different today."
He grunted as he folded the paper into his lap. He had not bothered to put on his black frock coat today, opting instead for a black button up in place of the usual white one. Of course she would vocalize the obvious. And he had slept, free of disturbing images all night long, the first without potions in ages. But despite this, he found himself particularly irritable this morning. He tightened his jaw, reminding himself to try to avoid taking it out on the young witch.
"Today is the memorial at Hogwarts. Won't you join me?" She wore an aubergine colored dress with billowed sleeves over pale blue leggings and her usual laced up boots with her cork necklace dangling around her neck. Her hair flowed loosely about her shoulders, and her wand was tucked into her woven shoulder bag instead of its perch above her left ear. It seemed a bit bright for a memorial, but then again, it seemed fairly subdued compared to her usual, lacking the patterns, striped socks, or insect earrings she preferred.
Severus shook his head. "I don't see that as the most appropriate time to reveal myself, do you?" Nor did he believe he would be welcomed, even with the revelations of Mr Potter to "redeem" him. His irritable mood was now explained. He may have consciously forgotten about the memorial until she had mentioned it, but he doubted his subconscious had allowed it to slip as easily.
Her brows tightened as she considered his words. "No. I suppose you are right." She sighed. "But it does not seem fair."
He nodded, choosing not to comment on the unfairness of life as he normally was inclined to do when such statements were uttered. She had plenty of first hand knowledge of the fact. He could not stop himself from glancing down at the Ravenclaw's midsection, which had he not known her secret, gave nothing away in her airy dress. "How will you be traveling?"
"Floo. I am meeting Neville in Hogsmeade, and we will walk over to the castle together. I imagine Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione will be there too."
He tensed at the mention of Mr Longbottom. "I imagine many will be there."
"Well, yes, of course." She smiled. "I best be off before the Floo Network gets overwhelmed."
"Yes," he mumbled.
"I will see you this evening?" She tilted her head as she repositioned her shoulder bag.
"I will be here." He unfolded the paper from his lap.
"Have a good day, Severus." She disappeared into the fireplace.
Severus scanned the remaining pages of the publication mostly uninterested. He stood as the emptiness of the space hit him like a foul odor, and he stared into the dark fireplace. Moving to the kitchen to escape it, he poured himself a cup of tea, contemplating a dash of something stronger. It was definitely too early for firewhiskey, but perhaps breakfast would be more appropriate.
As he fried an egg at the stove, he considered how dreary his small kitchen felt this morning without his houseguest joining him at the table. Had he already become accustomed to Ms Lovegood's company? After so many years alone, had it really only taken so few days? He snorted. Ridiculous.
He sat at the empty table eating his egg and sipping his tea. Could he have made an appearance at the memorial today? Had Harry's words really redeemed him? Luna said people were likely to understand now that they knew, but could anyone really understand? He'd participated in horrible things in the name of a greater good, a greater good he'd once been actively working against.
He rubbed his left forearm. He'd once been the very thing he fought against, only come around by force. Would he have changed if it hadn't been for Lily's death? He really doubted it.
He cleared his throat as he forced the thoughts from his head and strengthened his mental shields, however, the intrusive thoughts still found their way in. He must be weaker than he thought, still recovering from his injuries.
He thought of Lucius and Karkaroff. Was he really any different than these men? Perhaps a bit more clever and definitely a great deal more talented, but not any less deplorable just because he chose to change allegiances when he did. An admirable man would not have been there to begin with. A better man would have followed Lily into the Order and put his talents to use there, ignoring the torments of Potter and his minions.
Finally, he forced his mental walls back in place, and breathed a long sigh of relief. He did not want to continue down those memories. He stood, grabbed a tumbler from the cupboard, and poured himself a double of firewhiskey. With a long drink, he moved back to the sitting room.
Luna stepped into the sitting room from the fireplace that evening, brightening the space immediately even as she gave him a sad smile. Her swollen red eyes betrayed her as she attempted to cover them with her usual dreamy-eyed stare and a weak smile. "Good evening, Severus."
"Sit. I will bring you something to drink." He wished he had something more to offer her, but as it were, it was all he could think of in the moment.
Her eyes widened, but she did as instructed, sitting on the sofa. "Tea would be wonderful."
He rushed into the kitchen and charmed the tea kettle as he prepared the chamomile tea.
He heard her enter and sit at the table behind him.
"It was a difficult day," she said softly.
He turned to her and nodded. "Yes.."
"But it really was a lovely memorial. Professor McGonagall presided over the whole thing as the new Headmaster with Fawkes at her side. She is going to be so wonderful as Headmaster, don't you think?" She looked up at him, her eyes sparkling.
He nodded. She already was.
"Minister Shackelbolt was there with some brilliantly spoken words of healing and togetherness. I really like him. He seems to have a good heart but not afraid to literally fight for what is right." Her fingers twisted a lock of blonde hair.
"The merpeople sang a bittersweet lament and the centaurs paid their respects with flaming arrows to the heavens. There were even fireworks." Her eyes widened.
Fireworks seemed a bit much, but he bit his tongue and nodded. "May I get you something to eat?"
She sighed. "Maybe just some toast or something."
He nodded and casually waved a hand over his shoulder. Two slices of bread moved from the breadbox into the charmed toaster; a spell he was all too familiar with in this kitchen. With another wave the butter crock and butter knife moved to the table. It was simple magic, but it was reassuring to cast it effortlessly.
"It was well attended, I imagine."
"Oh, yes. Very. I think every student and their families attended as well as most of the high ranking Ministry officials. Even Mr Ollivander was there." She caressed the wand perched above her left ear. "It was lovely to see him. He looks well."
Severus swallowed the unpleasant bitterness that had developed in his mouth as he forced back the vile thoughts of the last time he had seen Mr Ollivander at Malfoy Manor.
He turned when the toaster popped, grabbed a plate from the cupboard and served the warm toast to his guest. "Enjoy."
"Thank you." She smiled weakly.
"Are you well otherwise?"
"Other than my grief?" She raised an eyebrow as she took a bite of toast.
He nodded.
She chewed slowly, her eyes distant. "I am not really sure how I should be feeling these days, but I guess I feel well enough."
He nodded again. He did not know either.
"I mean, my grief is overwhelming at times." She sighed and swallowed. "And it is hard to imagine that it will go away, even though I know it will get better with time. That is the nature of it after all. Grief I mean."
He had agreed not to question her nutrition or her sleep, but the concern was still present. He had hardly witnessed her eat much more than toast, tea, and a few chips in these past few days. And those circles under her eyes were only more pronounced by the redness of her lids.
"I was so young when Mum died, but it did get easier. Do you think it will be different now?"
"Yes." He stiffened.
"Yes?" She bit her lower lip again.
"Your entire life has been upended, Luna. Everything is different now."
She sighed as she nodded. "Everything is different now." She sat quietly in her thoughts for a long moment.
Severus collected her now empty tea cup and placed it into the sink. As he turned back toward her, leaning against the basin, he questioned what was happening behind those distant eyes.
The fog scattered from her face as she looked up at him suddenly. With a tired smile, she stood. "Good night Severus." She yawned. "Thank you."
"I hope you find sleep tonight."
"You too." She paused momentarily as she passed close to him as if she might want to say something or reach out to touch him but reconsidered.
His dark eyes followed her movements out. Once he heard the creak of the door at the top of the stairs, he reached for the bottle of firewhiskey. With a long sigh, he poured a glass, trying not to count which glass this would be for the day. He took a slow sip, savoring the burn and welcoming the numbness that would follow.
A/N: I can only improve with feedback. I hope you can take a minute to leave some. Thank you.