Chapter 14 - The Power Within
Roxy hugged the warm blanket around herself like a cloak as she sat on the little bed. It covered her from head to toe, even covering up her face. She was shivering and whimpering, tears streaking down from her eyes. To her, this blanket was the only thing protecting her from the scary, dangerous world outside.
There was a loud BANG and Roxy cried out in terror. She scrunched herself up even more into a tightly-wound ball of stress. Everything around her was so terrifying. She wanted all of the scary things to just go away and leave her alone. This was way too much to handle.
Roxy had never been more terrified in her whole life. She felt sick. Fear had such a tight grip on her, that it felt like a ghostly claw had reached through her body and was squeezing her insides. It was hard to breathe, her stomach wouldn't sit still, and her heart wouldn't stop beating. She couldn't take much more of this.
She heard footsteps nearby, but she hardly noticed. She was too focused on being scared. Then, however, she heard a voice call out to her. It was the voice belonging to the one being in the whole world who could possibly make this better.
"Roxy…?"
Ever so cautiously, she parted the blanket and peeked out at the outside world with one terrified eye. "P…Pi…?"
Her master was there, kneeling down close to her tiny little Pokémon bed. She was smiling and looking at her with a reassuring look, which was enough to bring Roxy back from the verge of panic. Suddenly, the little Pichu felt herself being lifted up into her master's arms, blanket and all.
"Roxy, what's the matter?" her master asked in a soft, soothing tone.
"Pichu…" Roxy whimpered, hugging her master through the blankets. This was fine. Things were okay now. Her master was here to hold her and keep her safe, and she wouldn't have to hide in her master's bedroom anymore.
BANG!
"Pichu!" Roxy exclaimed in sudden terror, flailing out with her paws wildly. She scrambled to hide her face both inside the blanket and in the crook of her master's arm. She shivered like a leaf from head to tail.
"…You're scared of the thunderstorm?"
"Pichuuu…"
"Oh, sweetie…I'm sorry. I didn't know. I would've come home sooner if I'd known…"
Her master embraced her for a few minutes, gently rocking her and whispering soothing words whenever the thunder would strike. Roxy was still so young, and she was learning new things every day. Unfortunately, she had learned about thunder and how terrifying it could be while she was home alone. She'd been hiding under the blankets for at least half an hour, and the storm wasn't going away.
"Roxy…" her master whispered once the thunder struck again and Roxy started to cry.
"Chuu…?"
"I know you're scared. I know the big, loud sound is scary…Right?"
Roxy softly nodded.
"Well, you know what?"
"Chu?"
"It's scary because it's strong, and it's powerful. And you know what else? That thunder is something that's inside of you."
Roxy blinked, then glanced down at her own belly as if she could see inside. "Chu…?" she asked in confusion.
"You're a Pichu," her master continued, "Once you grow just a little older, you'll be able to harness that thunder and make it dance for you. I know it's loud and I know it's scary, but it can't hurt you. It won't hurt you because you've already got thunder inside of you. It's a part of you.
Roxy just glanced up at her master's reassuring smile, listening closely to her every word. There was a tiny sparkle of wonder in her eyes.
Then the thunder flashed once more and she cowered in fear again. True or not, her master's words alone weren't enough to suddenly make everything okay.
"Oh, Roxy…I'm here."
What would make everything okay was already there. No matter how scared she was, no matter how bad things seemed, Roxy knew that her master would make it better. She always had, and she always would. Roxy trusted her life to her master, and she was always confident that her master would be there to make the scary things go away.
And if she couldn't? Well, a hug was almost as good. Roxy snuggled up against her master and gave her a tiny little hug back. The storm wouldn't leave for another hour, and she wouldn't be able to smile until then, but everything would be okay.
Everything would be fine.
Roxy's eyes were wide and unmoving, staring straight ahead. The memory was so fresh in her mind. She could clearly remember exactly how she had felt, because she felt the same way now.
It was eerily similar. She even had a leaf-woven blanket held tight around her body. The young Pikachu couldn't stop shivering, couldn't stop her heart from hammering away, and simply couldn't relax. When others talked to her, she didn't respond. When given food, she didn't eat. She was exhausted, but she couldn't go to sleep. There was simply too much going on inside of her head.
She had killed a Pokémon.
Killed a Pokémon!
The blood was on her paws. She could see that literally by looking at the red pawprints on the shaft of her spear. Roxy knew that it had been an accident, and she knew that the Houndoom had been trying to kill her, but those facts seemed to be of little comfort to her. A month or so ago, she had never gotten into a fight, not even a friendly little scuffle, and now she had taken another's life.
Since heading back to the village, Roxy hadn't been able to utter a single word. Others had tried to talk to her, but she didn't speak. She hardly even reacted. There were a thousand things she wanted to shout and cry about, but nothing came out of her mouth. She simply sat there with a dark, troubled look on her face.
Roxy felt sick to her stomach. She would be throwing up if she hadn't already vomited three times and now had nothing left to bring up. Inside of her was a horrible sensation, the likes of which she had never felt before. It felt like there was something drastically wrong with her that she couldn't fix.
The scene replayed itself in her mind endlessly. It was all she could think about, and all she could see. The Houndoom leapt at her, she held up her spear, and then she was a murderer. It had happened so fast. She felt like an important part of her had died and was never coming back.
"Roxy?"
She didn't respond. She hadn't even heard him come in.
"Please eat something."
She was then vaguely aware of a Sitrus Berry being placed in her paws. A moment later, it tumbled to the ground in front of her.
"Roxy, you…you have to eat something," Makari whispered.
The other Pikachu stayed nearby for a good ten minutes, the latter half of which was spent in silence, before he gave up and left. Roxy hadn't moved an inch. She paid no mind to the abandoned fruit lying at her paws.
Roxy could swear there were voices in her head. You killed him, they said, You destroyed him. You made him bleed, you made him hurt, and you took his life. Who else's life are you going to take?
For not the first time that day, tears rolled silently down her cheeks. Still she didn't move, still she didn't cry, but the anguish inside of her couldn't be silenced. She just couldn't move. Couldn't speak. Because she didn't know what she would do if she did.
Hours passed. The loud growling of Roxy's stomach went unnoticed and unanswered. A few more times, others tried to speak to her. They were all unsuccessful. It was strange, because Roxy had a thousand things she wanted to say to each and every one of them, and yet she knew that she was afraid to talk. Afraid to speak.
Afraid to act.
You killed him.
'No…' she thought back.
You will kill again.
'No I won't…'
It could be someone you care about.
A powerful, nearly painful, tremor ran through her body and made her shed more tears. Try as she might, she could not picture herself as anything else. She was a murderer. A killer. Even the most intense and painful Pokémon battles never ended with a dead combatant. It was unheard of. If anybody knew what she had done. If her master knew what she had done…
Her master would never forgive her. She would never speak to her again, nor want anything to do with her. Roxy could see herself sitting on the street outside of her house in the pouring rain, never to be let back in again. When she tried to fight off that ghastly image, she instead saw herself in a Pokémon control facility, about to get a lethal injection. Vicious Pokémon had to be put down, after all.
An anguished sob escaped her lips, but nothing more, as she considered the ramifications. Where could her life possibly go from here? She wanted to go home to her master, but now she felt like she couldn't. She was a dangerous murderer now. Her master would want nothing to do with her. Roxy tried as hard as she could to hold onto the hope that her master would forgive her, but it was not easy. She just couldn't imagine life going back to the way it was anymore. Everyone would always know, in the back of their minds, that she had killed someone.
Her ears perked, picking up a quiet discussion from just outside the door. She must have drifted off, as they seemed to be in the middle of their conversation.
"We cannot…" one voice said, clearly belonging to Makari.
"She will be fine, I am sure," another voice replied. This one was Natoka's.
"I…am afraid I do not share your optimism," the third and final voice added. Roxy recognized Karizu's voice.
"What are we to do, though?" Makari asked, sounding quite conflicted, "Where do we go from here?"
"The first time outside is always difficult. It will become easier for her over time, and we will be there to help her along," Natoka replied confidently.
"Are you joking?!" Makari hissed back angrily, "You have seen her, have you not? Look at what this has done to her! Even I cannot talk to her. She will not eat. She is in bad shape!"
"I will not deny that, but…"
"We…We cannot send her out again," Makari said softly, "We simply cannot. It would destroy her. I mean…" There was a pause, as if he were looking in through the doorway. "I have never seen anything like this before. This is more than fear. This is more than terror. This event has affected her soul in a damaging way… It pains me to see her like this."
"I am very concerned for her wellbeing," Karizu added.
Another moment of silence. "She is not from here," Makari said afterwards, "She is not wild like us. We cannot force her to change, because this is quite simply not her world. We cannot send her out again. Of this I am sure. She was…She was not prepared…and neither were we."
"Then what do you suggest we do?" Natoka replied, "She cannot simply be an extra mouth to feed."
"I…I do not know…" Makari sighed. "Right now, I just want to make sure she is okay…"
The voices left, leaving Roxy alone with her thoughts once more.
Through the next silent hour, things felt eerily still. It was as if the world was somehow moving on without her, leaving her behind. Roxy felt like she was in grave danger, and wanted to cry out for help, but couldn't find a way to make her mouth work. She vaguely recalled one of the words that the ones outside had used. 'Broken'.
"Roxy?"
Once again, she was vaguely aware of the presence of Makari. The other Pikachu walked up next to her, and then just stood there in silence for a long while. She didn't turn to regard him.
"Roxy…" he whispered in a quiet, trembling voice. His words sounded haunted and troubled. "…Please."
Still she said nothing.
"Please talk to me, Roxy…" he pleaded, leaning forward and placing a paw on her shoulder.
She stiffened and shivered at the touch.
"Please, Roxy…" Makari said, repeating that one word, "You…You have to eat something…I…I want to talk to you, Roxy. I want to help."
Roxy's ears perked up a little when she suddenly found herself hugged. Makari embraced her tightly, holding her close and simply remaining there for a minute or so. Roxy could feel his breath on her fur, and she could feel the beating of his heart.
"Roxy…" he whispered even quieter, almost inaudible, "You are scaring me so much…"
Roxy started as she felt something wet drop onto her shoulder. Her eyes grew wide. Was he…crying?
"…What am I?"
She felt Makari sit up suddenly as the quiet words slipped past her lips. "Roxy?"
Roxy shivered. It felt like something was wrong with her and she was going to pass out. "What…What am I now?" she asked, though she didn't turn to look at him.
Makari was silent for a moment as he considered the question. "You…are what you have always been," he answered, a little confused, "You are a Pikachu, you are a loyal pet, and you are a member of the Thunder Clan."
"Is that all…?" she spoke in a haunted voice.
"Well, I…" Makari stumbled, "You are a friend, a student, a family member to your master…and a lot more to me…"
Roxy softly shook her head. "I feel different now…"
Makari placed a paw on her shoulder. "Maybe, but you are not different."
"Friend, student, family member…pet…?" Roxy shut her eyes as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. "A murderer cannot be any of those!" she hissed.
"Roxy-" he started to say, but Roxy cut him off.
"I can't be who I was before! I…I'm not a killer…Roxy is not a killer…but, I killed him…" She trembled. "I can't stop thinking about it…What I did…"
Makari then reached a foreleg around to hug her. "Roxy, you are not a murderer," he said in a soothing voice, "One cannot murder in self-defence."
"I feel sick."
"I know…You really should eat something."
"I've…I've never even harmed anyone in my life…ever… Before the Zangoose, I had never been in a fight…Not even a little scuffle with a neighbour's mean pet or anything. That was who I was…Now I've taken someone's life."
"Who was trying to take yours."
"Does that make a difference?"
"Of course!" Makari half-exclaimed, "It makes all the difference! It is the difference between killing that Houndoom, and killing me!"
Roxy shivered and hugged herself, curling up tighter.
"I…" Makari faltered, "I am sorry, Roxy. I should have chosen my words more carefully."
"G…Go away…"
There was a moment of tense silence. "What?" Makari finally whispered.
"You're right…I…I could kill you next…and I don't want to…"
Instead of following her request, though, he snuggled up even closer to her. "You are not going to kill me, Roxy. Not on your worst day. You have not changed, Roxy. If that Houndoom had attacked you in the same way when you were back home with the humans, I am sure you would have done the same thing."
Roxy mewled in fear and clutched herself tighter.
"Roxy…"
She could feel herself on the verge of crying.
Makari placed a paw on her shoulder. "Roxy…Please…"
Roxy hesitated, but then slowly lifted her head up to gaze at him with one eye.
The look in his eyes was shocking. She had never seen him look at her like that before. It looked as if he was scared for her life, and that one wrong move would take her away from him forever. In his paws he clutched the Berry, which he held out to her once more. "Eat."
She gazed down at it with a look of repulsion. "I'm…" she whispered, "…n-not hungry…"
He didn't respond though. She just looked up at him once more and saw that same look in his eyes. It melted through something cold that was within her, making her squirm. Finally, she gingerly reached out to take the Berry, her limbs trembling as if the fruit could somehow hurt her.
Roxy grasped the Berry and held it before her, and for a while she just stared down at it. It was if her brain wasn't working properly. When she started bringing it up to her mouth, she was still trembling and she lost her grip on it. The fruit hit the ground, and she grimaced.
She started trying to work up the force of will to pick it up again, but she stopped short when Makari's paw reached forward and picked it up for her. As patient as a parent dealing with a young cub, he held it out to her once more. This time, his paw remained gripped onto it for a few moments after she had taken it.
Roxy took a little nibble of the fruit, chewing it softly and taking everything at a ridiculously slow pace. Even this simple act of eating fruit was making her anxiety spike through the roof. Nothing seemed normal or safe to her anymore, not even eating something she had eaten plenty of times before.
After swallowing, though, she regained enough bravery to take bigger bites. She still ate somewhat slowly, but Makari just sat there patiently with her and waited in silence. Because it had been empty for so long, her stomach couldn't decide whether to be happy or upset with the sudden introduction of food. Roxy felt the urge to throw up, but it never happened.
Eating the Berry had given her the energy that she had very much needed. Unfortunately, however, her treacherous mind then used that energy to make her start crying uncontrollably.
It hit her so suddenly, like a faucet turning on. Her whole body was instantly wracked with sobs and she quickly collapsed onto Makari in a desperate hug, bawling her eyes out.
Makari didn't say a single word. He just sat there with her, gently stroking her back and hugging her tightly. Occasionally he would gently shush her and nuzzle her, but he could tell that words wouldn't be very effective right now.
Roxy cried as the sun set, completely losing track of time. There was so much pain and anguish in her mind that she thought it would never end. She tried to let as much of it out as she could, but it didn't seem to help. There was still hurt inside, and it hurt bad.
Roxy thought she would never stop crying, though eventually she started to. Once the last rays of the sun had disappeared from the sky, she had been reduced to just quietly sobbing and letting a few tears fall and stain Makari's fur. She couldn't tell if she felt any better, or just as bad as before.
"M'kari…" she hiccupped.
"I am here."
"I don't know how to handle this…"
"I am here for you, Roxy. Whatever you need."
She sniffled. "But I dunno what I need…"
He nuzzled the back of her neck, which did help her calm down a little.
"I…Um…" She turned to face him. "I feel so…s-so…" Then, she closed her eyes and shook her head. "I…Ngh…It just feels like something's wrong with me…and I'm scared."
"There is no need to be afraid, Roxy," Makari said soothingly. He then reached forward and gently caressed her cheek, causing her to open her eyes once more.
She gazed up at him in silence, caught in his gaze. She sat there for a moment and simply stared at him. This was Makari she was looking at, and yet she didn't feel like she usually did when she looked at him. There was still this overwhelming sense of wrongness, as if what she was seeing wasn't really happening. There was some part of her brain telling her that Makari wouldn't be treating her like this after what she had done. The guilt she felt deep in her heart hadn't abated. It hurt just as much.
But, his gaze did at least help her calm down. Her eyes slowly scanned over his familiar features, resting for a moment on his reassuring smile. She felt her own breath gently, calmly, leave her body.
"Muh…" she whispered, "Makari…?"
"Yes?"
She gulped, feeling an anxious jitter crawl across her skin. "Would you…kiss a murderer?"
His hazel eyes gazed back down at her, the fading light dancing in them. She felt her stomach twist and turn as she waited for him to respond, terrified of what the answer might be.
"No."
A tiny little gasp escaped her lips as her heart stopped dead, an icy feeling spreading through her whole body. Then, before she could react any further, he swiftly leaned in and locked lips with her. Roxy squeaked in surprise at the unexpected kiss, confusion filling her brain. She melted a little bit under the intoxicating act, though she mostly just felt perplexed.
When the two broke the kiss and both panted for a moment, Roxy was more confused than ever. Slowly, she turned her gaze up towards Makari once more.
"And so," he said, "I am ever so thankful that I can still kiss you."
Sleep finally claimed the poor young Pikachu, whether her mind wanted to accept it or not.
Her slumber was filled with inner turmoil. She had troubling lucid dreams that only consisted of the same mental anguish she had experienced while awake. It wasn't like the human movies where dreams somehow revealed the answer to her. She still had no idea how to handle what had happened to her.
What she had done.
In her dreams, she saw images of a ravenous, violent Pikachu, running amok through the forest and viciously murdering any Pokémon she came across. She wore the painted stripes of the Thunder Clan, but hers were painted in the blood of others. Roxy watched from the sidelines. She knew that she wasn't that creature, but she also knew that creature was her. It made her brain hurt.
Other times, she found herself being shunned by the Thunder Clan. Everyone she knew looked down at her in disgust, even Miri, Makari and Taka. They turned their backs on her, refused to listen to her protests, and forced her outside of the village. Fences and gates comprised of bloody spiked logs encircled the village, ensuring that she would not be allowed back inside.
So, in her dream, she turned around and went back home again. Her house was not too far away, as things often were in dreams, but it was all wrong. Somehow, her house had been turned into a heavily fortified prison or fortress. There was no way in, and hastily-written messages in blood warning her to leave and never come back. Tears in her eyes, she gazed up to the tallest tower. There, she saw the disapproving gaze of her master, staring down and shaking her head.
Roxy turned away and tried not to look at the horrible sights. It was so distressing, but deep down she knew that she deserved it. She was a killer, and this was the mind of a killer. She was certain that she would never be the same Pokémon ever again. Not since this had happened. She shed a tear for the innocent young Pikachu inside of her that had just died.
She shifted in and out of lucidity. Her mind was constantly assaulted with terrible, horrifying images and dark memories of what she had done. It was so uncomfortable. She could feel her sins crawling all over her body as she tossed and turned. Something was wrong with her, she was absolutely sure of it.
With a gasp, Roxy suddenly awoke.
Cold!
Roxy let out a shuddering breath, which she could see before her as a puff in the air. She swiftly sat up and hugged herself. The earliest rays of the sunrise were just peeking in through the doorway of Makari's hut, and it was cold. It was absolutely frigid.
She breathed quickly in shock for a moment, then stopped herself from doing that when each breath started to sting her throat. She was already shivering like crazy, and scrambled to grab her blanket. It took her a moment to remember that all she had was the woven-leaf blanket, and it didn't do very much against this level of cold.
"Brrr…" Roxy had been quivering like a leaf all of last night and now she was doing it again, but for an entirely different reason. It was shockingly cold outside! Yesterday had been a little nippy but hardly anything she couldn't handle. Now, only a single night later, it felt like the temperature must have dropped at least 20 degrees!
She tried to breathe properly and rubbed her paws across her fur to generate warmth, but it did little to help her. Roxy had never been in weather this cold before in her life. Perhaps she had experienced something like it at the ski resorts she'd visited in Sinnoh, but there she'd had home-made woolen winter clothing and the warm hug of her master. Here, all she had were a few leaves.
The cold weather felt incredibly distressing. The cold, numbing feeling crept across her skin until no part of her felt warm anymore. Her extremities quickly began to lose their feeling, and her throat stung with every breath. It felt like her tail was just going to freeze and crack off!
"Makuh…" she tried to speak, "M…Makari…!"
The other Pikachu roused next to her and sat up with a yawn. "Roxy…?" he muttered blearily before stretching his legs out and focusing. Her turned and regarded her. "Roxy? What is the matter?"
"It's…It's c-c-cold…!"
Makari's eyes drifted upwards a little and his nose twitched a few times, as if he were reading the air quality. "Ah yes, I suppose it is rather chilly today."
"Rather chilly?" Roxy snapped.
He returned his gaze to her. "Are you…too cold?" he asked with a tilt of his head.
"Y-y-yes!" she barked, "I-I-I'm gonna f-f-freeze to death…!"
"Really?" he asked, slightly incredulously, "I feel okay. It is colder, yes, but…"
Roxy shook her head in frustration and tried futilely to wrap herself up tighter in the leaf blanket. How could he not be cold?! Even if he had 'gotten used to it', it was still stupid cold out! "Oh gosh! I didn't know it could get this c-c-cold…!"
Makari shook his head a little, as if realizing that he had forgotten something, and quickly moved over to give her a cozy hug.
Roxy sighed in relief as she felt his body heat. His warm hug was like magic in this cold weather. She felt no embarrassment about snuggling herself as close to him as possible and nuzzling his soft, staticy fur. He was a much better blanket than the leaf one.
A moment later, she opened her eyes in confusion. "Uhh…" she muttered. Makari wasn't really hugging her as much as he was methodically running his digits through her fur. She twitched a little as he hit a ticklish spot. "Makari…?" she ventured, "What're you doing?"
"Where is your winter coat…?" he asked in a soft voice.
Roxy furrowed her brow. "My what?"
"Your fur," he clarified, "Your winter coat has not grown in."
She blinked, realizing what he was referring to. Roxy had read about it in the encyclopedia once. Many Pokémon with fur, especially those who lived in colder climates, grew a thicker coat of fur to keep them warm in the winter. Now that she paid attention to the way his fur felt, Roxy could tell that it was longer and thicker than when she'd first met him.
"I…I don't have one…?" she asked.
"I do not think so…" he murmured, "It is perhaps a little thicker, but…"
"But why…?" Roxy tried to think back to her time at home. She had never really paid attention to her fur, or at least to the length of it, and so she couldn't remember if she had ever had a winter coat before. Kanto was not a very cold place, and during the winters she would spend a lot of time inside her master's house with the heater on.
Was that the case? Did she not have a winter coat because she hadn't grown up in a climate that had required one? Now that she was suddenly thrust into a different place, her body hadn't been able to adjust.
"I…guess I don't have one…" she said quietly.
"Is this…because you are a pet?" Makari asked, clearly just as confused as she had been.
She shook her head and explained her rationale.
"I see…" he replied, "That is…troubling…"
Roxy shivered a little, even in his warm embrace. She did not want to let go of him. His natural body heat was the only source of warmth around. There were no real blankets, comforters, furnaces, heat lamps, windows to close, or hot chocolate around here. She was out in the elements, and had no choice but to face them.
"Does…it get any colder than this?" she asked.
"Perhaps a little colder when it snows," he replied, "but this is usually how low the temperature drops. This was quite unexpected for today."
"Good…I don't think I could handle anything colder…"
"I know it will not be pleasant, Roxy, but you should eventually get used to it and it will not seem as bad."
"I hope so…Still, I wish there was something I could do about it…" Roxy grimaced against the cold and thought back to all of her collected memories of this place. Everything was so simple and primitive. Aside from the buildings and weapons, this was a place untouched by anything humans had created. Even her collar, of all things, stood out like a sore thumb. Here, everything was connected to nature and these Pokémon were pretty much wild. Well, perhaps that wasn't entirely true, she reminded herself. They did have that wonderful festival.
Suddenly, she brightened up. "Oh!" she exclaimed, "Fire!"
"Huh?" He blinked. "Fire?"
"You can build me a fire! Ah, I mean…Could you build me a fire? To keep me warm?" Since she figured he wouldn't know what 'campfire' meant, she indicated with her paws the size and shape of the fire she wanted on the ground.
"Ah, hmm…" he replied, "Yes, I can do that for you."
Roxy smiled gratefully and gave him another hug.
"It is usually discouraged," he added, "but I will explain the situation to the Wise Ones."
"Thank you, Makari! Thank you so much! I really didn't expect this."
Makari patted her shoulder. "Do not worry about it, Roxy. I will handle it."
So, Makari went to set up the campfire in the middle of the hut. Unfortunately, this left Roxy sitting in the cold without his warm hugs, but she tried her best to tough it out. Makari gathered some sticks and rocks from outside, dug a small pit in the dirt, and started to construct the kindling.
Roxy huddled herself up by the wall and watched. Her mind was totally focused on how cold it was. She felt like someone had taped ice cubes all over her body. If this kept up, she was sure her fur would turn white and she would become an Ice-type.
"Are you feeling okay?" Makari asked as he put on the finishing touches.
"I-I'll be fine…"
Makari flashed her a smile and then turned back to his work, but Roxy couldn't miss the wistful sigh that followed. Makari didn't really seem upset, but he did look troubled by something.
Thankfully, it wasn't long before the kindling was finished. Makari picked up one of the torches that he used at nighttime and lit it with a spark of electricity. He then touched the torch to the kindling and Roxy was delighted as the campfire suddenly sprung to life. She eagerly hopped to her paws and scampered over to sit next to it.
"Careful," Makari warned, "Not too close."
"Mmm…!" she hummed in delight, holding up her frozen paws to the warm fire, "Just like our fireplace back home…"
Makari smiled once more.
"Thank you, Makari! You're amazing! I don't think I coulda done all this!"
"You are very welcome, Roxy." He then pawed over towards her and leaned down to give her a quick nuzzle. "I am going to speak with the others about this," he said, "Perhaps one of our brethren may have a more permanent solution."
She nodded. "Okay. Don't be long!"
Makari walked over and picked up a Leppa Berry, which he gave to her before smiling and nodding. "I will be back soon."
She waved goodbye to him and watched as he walked out the door. Then, she sighed to herself and lounged back a little, trying to warm up as much of her body as possible. She had become a Pika-popsicle and was determined to get rid of every last inch of coldness that remained stuck to her.
Eventually, she found herself just sitting on her rump and staring into the dancing flames, feeling their wonderful warmness caress her body. This is nice… she thought. She and her master had never gone camping before, but she imagined that this is what it would be like. The crackling sounds of the fire were soothing and the gentle smell of burning wood was a new and interesting scent.
It was cold out there, and she could still feel the bite of the chilly weather, but that only made the warmth of the fire feel so much better. She let out a sigh and found herself relaxing quite nicely. Her eyes were drawn into the flames, watching as they danced and twisted with one another. It was like a fascinating show, a performance of orange and red dancers on a stage. It just felt so nice. So very warm.
Warm like the blood of the Pokémon you killed.
Roxy's shoulders slumped as she felt her heart sink. The cold weather had been a perfect distraction, but now she was all by herself with nothing to think of except what she had done. All of the hurt and anguish from last night returned to the forefront of her mind.
You killed him. There seemed to be a persistent voice inside of her head. With your own paws, you took his life. You spilled his blood and made sure he would never breathe again.
Roxy shut her eyes and grimaced, shaking her head.
He probably had a family.
Tears rolled down her cheeks.
You can't go back and fix this. This is who you are now.
"No…"
You're a ruthless, merciless, cold-blooded killer!
"No!" Roxy shouted. She opened her eyes and stared straight ahead as she panted heavily. The flames seemed to intensify before her. They burned furiously and angrily, reflecting in her tear-soaked eyes. The fire seemed to reflect the one that was consuming her heart. It was angry at her, just like anyone else deserved to be.
"I'm sorry…" she whispered to no-one in particular.
As she sat there and stared, crying silent tears, the fire continued to burn. It no longer seemed as beautiful as it had been before. It was like staring at pure carnage happening right before her eyes, yet she couldn't look away. Was this how she was going to see the world now? With everything bathed in the rage of flames? Maybe, after one kill, it would just get easier and easier for her. Wasn't that how serial killers were born, like she used to see on CSI: Saffron?
It was a permanent change. That was the absolute truth among this. No matter how she looked at it, positively or negatively, she would forever be a killer. She couldn't undo the fact that she had killed someone, even if she grew to accept it.
"What do I do now…?" she whispered to the flames.
They continued to dance, continued to burn, but they did not answer.
"How can anyone still…like me…if they know I'm a murderer?"
Still, the flames could offer no guidance.
Roxy sighed and hugged herself. "I don't want to be like this…" she whimpered, "I don't want this to be a part of me…" She sniffled. "I-It was an accident… I just panicked and I didn't even realize what had happened…"
For some reason, she still paused as if waiting to see if the fire would say anything.
"I'm sorry…" she whispered again, "I just…I-I hate myself right now…" A sob escaped her lips. "I'm scared of myself and I dunno what to do…"
The fire was warm and it gave her a wonderfully warm hug, but it was still as silent as ever. The flames seemed both angry and wise, but could provide no council. For the moment, Roxy truly was all alone. She didn't know how long she sat and just stared into the fires, letting her eyes get lost in that complex, mesmerizing dance of colours.
"Brother, have you-"
Roxy was startled by the sudden intrusion, and nearly jumped to her feet. She held a paw to her chest, feeling her heart hammering inside, and looked to the doorway.
Taka gazed in and locked eyes with her. "Oh…" he said disdainfully, "It is you."
"T…Taka?"
The warrior Pikachu shifted his eyes to the side, as if trying to avoid looking at her. "Where has Makari gone?"
"I…" There was a tremble in her voice. "I dunno…He went to go look for something warm."
Taka's eyes glanced to the campfire. "Is that why this is lit? You are going to burn down his hut."
"Sorry…" she whispered distantly. She slowly turned her head back towards the fire and slumped forward. The flames once more danced in her eyes. Honestly, she was just too distressed to deal with this right now.
There was silence, but Roxy didn't hear Taka leaving. Finally, after a couple of minutes, he spoke up. "Is this still bothering you?" he asked. There was a harsh cutting tone in his question, but he didn't raise his voice.
She lamely nodded her head.
"You do realize that you are being ridiculous, right?"
Roxy simply shrugged, and then there was another minute of silence.
Then, she cried out in shock as Taka suddenly grabbed her rather forcefully by the paw. "Look at me!" he barked, pulling on her paw so that she would turn and look at him.
All this accomplished was a spike in her anxiety. She shivered and tried to scramble away from him. "Ow! Taka…! You're hurting me."
"Listen."
She fell quiet, but her nerves didn't quiet down. Taka was glaring at her with a frightening intensity, leaving her to just quiver on the spot and stare back at him with a trembling lip and tears in her eyes.
"Stop this," he said, plain and simple.
"Wh…What…?"
"Stop acting like a little cub when, really, nothing that bad has happened to you. You have been attacked by a Zangoose, an Aggron, a Mightyena, have been poisoned, and have come face to face with the Earth Tribe. None of those broke you. This Houndoom should not either."
She just stared back at him, unable to make herself respond.
"You are a part of this tribe now, and this tribe needs you," he said authoritatively, "We protect our young, but they do not stay young forever. Eventually they grow up, learn to defend themselves, and contribute to the wellbeing of the tribe. This is not one of your fancy human hotels. So, get over it."
"But…" she started, and then hiccupped as more tears threatened to overcome her. "But I…I killed him!"
His flat look didn't change. "And?"
"I…" She struggled for a few minutes, asking herself how to explain the obvious. She had just committed a murder. What was so difficult to understand? "I'm not a murderer!" she finally settled on.
"Of course not."
Now it was her turn to give him a flat look. "Yes I am. I killed that Houndoom. I did it. No-one can deny it."
"From what I have heard," Taka replied, "you successfully used your weapons training to defend yourself from an attacker, just like we had practiced. I would have given you a pass if we had been training."
"But I never killed you! This was-"
"Shut up!"
Roxy meeped and fell silent.
Taka closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He let it out slowly, and then regarded her once more. "Tell me," he said, slowly and evenly, "What was that Houndoom doing to you?"
She blinked. "He was…attacking me."
"'Attacking you' is what I do to you during training. Try again."
"He was going to hurt me!"
"The answer to that is the same as the last. Come on, you know the answer. Just say it."
Roxy was confused at first, but then she realized what it was that Taka wanted to hear. "He…" she spoke slowly, feeling that saying the words themselves would bring up dark memories, "He was…trying to kill me."
"Exactly."
A few tears formed at the sides of her eyes as she thought back to the ghastly event, but she kept her gaze locked on Taka and awaited what he would say next.
"Killing is a crime. A sin. It is something that should never be done," Taka explained calmly, "But ask yourself who broke this cardinal rule first. It was not you. He did. This was more than just self-defence, Roxy. In a way, you can even think of it as a form of justice."
Roxy tilted her head. "Wh…what do you mean?"
"The fact is," he said as he stood up straight and crossed his forepaws, "that by trying to kill you, that Houndoom forfeited his life."
For a moment, Roxy just sat there. She stared at him, drinking in his words. For a moment, her mind couldn't decide on a way to respond.
"To be a murderer is wrong," Taka said, "but there should be no guilt in killing a murderer."
"I…" Roxy croaked, but her voice fell silent. She didn't know what to say in light of this. In a way, it did make her think of things from a different perspective. Yet, at the same time, she didn't feel any less guilty.
Then she furrowed her brow. Was this really guilt she was feeling? Or was it just fear?
"Buck up," Taka said as he turned and started to walk out of the hut, "I expect you for training soon."
He began to walk through the door. "Taka, wait!" she called out after him.
Taka paused in the doorframe, and turned back over his shoulder to regard her.
"How…" she started to say, and then felt her words get all jumbled up again. This whole conversation with Taka had come out of nowhere, and she hadn't been prepared at all for it. "How do I…move on?" she finally asked.
"You just do."
Roxy groaned quietly. "I feel like…I did something…" A shiver passed through her body. "…evil."
"What would have happened had you not taken that Houndoom's life?"
A stab of guilt went right through her heart, but she tried to clear her mind and think rationally about the question. "I would be dead-"
"Besides that."
Roxy winced at his sudden snap. "I, um…He would go back to his tribe, I guess? With f-" Her stomach suddenly lurched. "With…food," she whispered.
"And then? The next day?"
"He would go out again…and…" Roxy blinked and her gaze fell to the ground below. "…killed again."
A moment of poignant silence passed. The only sound that could be heard was the ever present crackling of the fire.
"It is dangerous out there," Taka said, repeating something she had heard and said multiple times, "Going out to get food is a risk…for predator and prey. He knew the risks when he left the safety of his tribe. He knew what you or any of us could have done, and he did it anyway. Just remember that he struck first."
Roxy stared at him as he turned and walked away. She wanted to say something, but she didn't know what it was, and so she was left in silence. Then he was gone and she was alone again. Alone with the fire. Roxy unceremoniously flopped onto her side with a groan.
Until Makari returned, she simply laid there and stared into the fire.
"Roxy? What's the matter?"
The frightened young Pokémon simply curled up tighter and quivered. "Pichuuu…" she whined.
"Are you still scared…?"
Roxy sniffled as tears filled her eyes. She looked up at her master with a fearful gaze. Try as she might, she couldn't stop herself from shivering. So, she was incredibly grateful when her master scooped her up in a warm hug.
"The thunderstorm is gone…" her master said softly, "There's nothing to be scared of anymore."
The little Pichu simply shook her head.
"No? Something else?"
She nodded.
"What?"
Roxy just hugged her master back and whined. She knew the limitations of their communication, and she knew this would be difficult to get across. She could only hope that her smart master could figure it out.
A few minutes of silence passed, until her master finally broke it.
"Is this about what I said?" she asked quietly, "About having thunder inside of you?"
Roxy grimaced and flinched, all but confirming that her master was right.
"Oh, Roxy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you," she said as she gently pet the little Pichu, "It's not a bad thing, and it won't hurt you."
"Pi-Pichu…"
"Did I make it sound like something bad was inside of you?"
Roxy just softly nodded.
There were another few minutes of poignant silence. Her master hugged her tight and slowly rocked her like a baby cub. Roxy just couldn't stop shivering and she didn't feel well. It was horrible, being unable to relax like this.
"Roxy, sweetie…Listen."
The Pichu tilted her head and looked up into her master's eyes.
"You just have to look inside of yourself…You see that scary thing, and you know it's there. Maybe it frightens you, but that's fine. Just picture it and know…Believe, Roxy, that you can control it. It is inside of you, and it is a part of you, but that just means you can control it. Just like your paw or your tail, it is you and you are in control. It can only hurt you if you let it."
Roxy stared in silence for a few moments. "Pi…chu…?"
Her master smiled warmly. "Lightning is scary, I know. But this lightning is right in here." She extended one of her fingers and gently booped Roxy's tummy. "It's yours to control and do with as you please, and it can't hurt you!"
"Chu?"
"Yes, really! Just look inside of yourself, face the thunder, and tell it that it can't hurt you. Scream it if you have to! But it's a part of you, and you can control it."
Roxy fell silent as she considered her master's words. She still wasn't entirely convinced.
The young human hugged her tight. "I love you, Roxy."
A tiny smile appeared on Roxy's face and she nuzzled her master affectionately. "Pichu Pichu…"
Roxy lay on her side, her eyes wide open and staring out into blackness. There was no more fire burning. The hut had gone dark. After a long, cold day, thankfully the temperature had gone up a little bit so that things were at least bearable.
However, now that night had fallen, Roxy found herself unable to get to sleep. Makari was sleeping curled up next to her, one of his forepaws draped across her midsection. His warmth was a welcome respite from the chill outside. Roxy felt warm, safe and secure, in all places except in her mind.
That first thunderstorm, years and years ago, was still very fresh in her mind. She could remember her master's words without flaw. They hadn't exactly been helpful per se; it still took her a couple of years to stop being afraid of thunderstorms. Yet, now she found herself thinking on them.
Though it wasn't safe to have the fire pit burning while they were asleep, Roxy imagined that it was still lit. She gazed into the imaginary flames and pictured herself getting swept into them and lost in their dance. She calmed her mind and felt the world slip away. She wasn't quite asleep, but she wasn't quite awake either.
Roxy saw herself standing in a featureless room, totally bare except for the campfire burning nearby. Instinctively, she made her way towards it so she could warm up. As she stepped closer, though, it suddenly flared brightly.
To her astonishment, from out of the flames themselves stepped another Pikachu. This wasn't just any Pikachu, though, and Roxy stared at her with wide-eyes. She was looking at herself.
Even so, it wasn't an exact copy of herself. This Pikachu's collar was in tatters, and some gaudy metal spikes had been sloppily fashioned on. The flower was gone, as was half of one of her ears. There were scars and bloodstains all over her body, patches of missing fur, and a few dirty bandages here and there. Most notable was the spiked chain belt she wore over her shoulder.
The other Pikachu smirked at her, making Roxy back away slightly. "Who…" Roxy whispered, "Who're you…?"
'Scarred Roxy' rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Don't you recognize your own face, you weakling?" she spat.
Roxy flinched. It was so frightening to hear her own voice, but with such a biting tone. "I…I don't understand…You look like me, but you…I've never looked quite like that ever before."
The Pikachu facing her just closed her eyes and shook her head. "Such a naïve fool…" she muttered, and then gave Roxy a hard stare. "I am what is going to happen to you," she snapped, "I'm the Pikachu you will become. Isn't it epic?"
There was a moment. Roxy blinked, utterly baffled. "N…No."
Now the other Roxy frowned. "Whaddaya mean, 'No'? Look how tough I am!" She flexed the muscles on her foreleg, which made Roxy feel distinctly uncomfortable. "Check out these babies! Can rip a predator's head right off!"
"I didn't mean to kill him…" Roxy whimpered without much conviction, "He- He was attacking me…I'm don't wanna be a murderer."
"That's too bad, 'cus I'm a grade-A killer. Been killing my whole life! Sometimes just for the fun of it!"
Roxy closed her eyes and shook her head. "Y…you're not me…" she whispered.
"Beg pardon?"
"You're not me. I'm not like that! I…I'm never gonna kill ever again!"
Her doppelganger gave her a flat look. "Oh, is that so?" she asked scornfully, "So, the next time a predator is bearing down on you and you can't escape, then you're just gonna sit there and let 'im eat you?"
"…No."
"I think it's pretty obvious. The only way out of some situations is to kill somebody."
There was a long moment of silence, and then Roxy sighed. "I…I guess…maybe you're right… I suppose sometimes I have to defend myself…'cus…" Roxy sniffled. "'Cus I wanna see master again…"
"Keep practicing and you'll get better and better at it!" the copy goaded her, "What's a little bit of forest to an unstoppable killing machine? Nothing would stand in your way, and you could go straight home to master!"
Roxy continued as if the other Pikachu hadn't even spoken. "But…I'm not you…"
"You do realize that I actually am you, right? Same body and all that jazz? Look, here's that birthmark."
"I'm not you," Roxy said, a little louder this time.
"C'mon, don't be stupid."
"I'm not you!" she shouted, growing more confident with every second. She could tell, just by looking at this horrible thing that it wasn't her. She had been calling herself a murderer, but this was a murderer standing in front of her. Roxy was nothing like that!
"I'm not you…" she repeated, "You're just a part of me…A small little part of me…You're the part of me that is…able to take another's life."
"You can't all that a 'little' part, numbskull!" the other Pikachu shot back, "Murder changes people!"
"Not if I don't let it…" Roxy took a deep breath, calmed herself, and then stood strong before this horrible vision of herself. "You're right…" she muttered, "Maybe I will have to take another life, if something happens…I hope, hope, hope that it never does…but it might. And that is when I will use you."
The other Pikachu was looking at her with an arched eyebrow, but Roxy could see that she was starting to get unsettled.
"I know I killed, and I know I can kill again…but I won't! I won't unless I…really, really have to! Until then, you can just stay down here! …Wherever here is."
"You think you can just control a wild, untamed murderer?" the other Pikachu demanded, throwing her paws out wide.
But then, Roxy actually smiled. "I can…" she said with a nod, remembering everything her master had said, "I'm still me. I know that because I'm out there. I'm sleeping by the fire, I'm snuggling with Makari, and I'm scared. I'm not you. I'll never be you. But you are a part of me now, and…"
"You can't-!"
"I'm okay with that…"
Suddenly, a powerful icy wind swept through the featureless space. The other Pikachu was instantly frozen in a block of ice, after which she tumbled away in the powerful gust. In a brief second, she was gone. Roxy was relieved, but that icy wind was hitting her too. It was so cold! She started to hug herself and twist around in discomfort. So cold!
Roxy gasped, suddenly wide awake. She glanced around blindly in the darkness, unable to see much of anything. After a few confused breaths, she quieted herself down and listened. From the sounds that she could hear, it just sounded like a cold wind had swept in through the doorway and had given her a chill. It was already abating.
She shivered from the cold, thinking about the dream she'd just had. It was so vivid in her mind, and she could remember every detail. Had her conviction in those words been true? Was she really going to be okay with what she had done?
Roxy closed her eyes and thought back to the altercation with the Houndoom. When the memory of that fatal spear strike played itself in her mind, she physically winced. She could swear that she could hear that 'evil' killer version of herself laughing. There was still regret and even disgust at what she had done.
At the same time, though, she focused on that maniacal laughter. She thought about why she had stuck her spear out at the Houndoom, and what would've happened if he hadn't impaled himself on it. The sound reasoning was there in her mind. It had always been there, and she had just been too anxious to see it. With a determined mental thought, she told that bad version of herself to shut up.
Roxy would try her best to never kill again. Unfortunately, the time may very well come when she would have to do it again. She closed her eyes once more and grimaced against the chilly air.
She felt Makari shift behind her. Without waking up, the other Pikachu snuggled up closer to her and wrapped one of his paws tightly around her. He drew her into a much warmer hug, which quickly started to stave off the feeling of cold. Roxy lay there for a moment, her eyes staring unseeingly ahead. Then she sighed as a little smile tugged at her lips. If nothing else, she felt so secure in Makari's hug. Even when he was fast asleep, he still cared about her. He could tell that it was getting cold.
So, cuddled up against her warm Pikachu companion, Roxy's eyes fluttered closed. This time, she was able to sleep peacefully.