Warning: Dark chapter coming your way. Touches on self-harm, thoughts of suicide, drug use, and just very dark.
Author's Note: Thank you to Unnamed Guest, A Star In My Universe, vausesandspanishharlem, ms antrop, and CarsasaAllakay for the lovely reviews on the first chapter. I very much appreciate such and was shocked to see so many people actually interested in this. Very encouraging and so here is the next part/chapter. *Also, I just want to make it aware that when I wrote the first chapter I hadn't seen episode nine where Vinny actually does divorce Lorna in the show so that was kind of cool to see that it actually happened.* I still have not watched the last two episodes. Very anxious about it. Anyway, feel free to review with your thoughts. Thanks. Enjoy.
Chapter Two
With the extra COs running around in maximum security, Lorna found it quite the task trying to find a secluded place to hide away in. Her world was crashing in on her and she couldn't get away from any of it. The only place she knew she'd be able to hide was in the same closet she remembered the labor pain started. The place that started all of this downward, painful, slope of hers. The demise of Lorna Morello she deemed it.
Inhaling a deep, sharp, breath, Lorna gradually opened the door of the closet and made her way inside. She closed the door back up and sat with her back against the wall, pulling her knees up to her chest. She had only a week to sign the papers—the papers that would take away her marriage, the life she thought was supposed to be hers. First, her baby died and now her own husband was leaving her. And at the lowest point in her life to boot. She had absolutely no one to help her through one of the worst things a person can go through. All she had was herself…and that wasn't much. She was doomed, she knew.
So, she sat in the secluded custodial closet and freely let the tears flow from her brown eyes. Her mind swarmed with thoughts. Thoughts of how all of what she lived for—or believed she was living for—came crashing to a halt. Thoughts of how the one person who truly and deeply cared for her seemed to be moving on just fine without her. It felt as though no one needed—or wanted—Lorna anymore. She just existed. There was no reason for her existence now, however, she concluded.
The faulty wiring in her brain sealed this awful fate she seemed to be acquainted with. It brought on the path she chose to walk—the path that only led to a dead end. She was all alone at the bottom of a ditch with no one to pull her up and nothing to hold onto. She had no idea if she'd ever get herself out of this unlit tunnel. If she'd ever be the same bubbly person she once was. All she knew was that she couldn't see the light at the end of it—she had nothing to keep her going. To keep her from wanting to take her last breath.
Hours passed as she resumed the same position, tears slowly drying up and leaving faint marks on her pale cheeks. She hadn't any clue as to what time it could be nor did she really care until she remembered she still had to leave for kitchen duty. Exhaling sharply, she wiped at her face with her arm and forced herself to stand up. The last thing she needed was to get in trouble with the officers for not attending her work shift.
"Where've ya been, Lorna?" Gloria Mendoza's light Hispanic accent softly questioned; an eyebrow arched inquisitively over her brown eyes. She threw on the apron they were all made to wear and gloves while awaiting the young woman's response.
Shook from her daze, Lorna looked up from the task at hand and forced a smile to her face. Like hell she was going to let anyone know how truly defeated she felt. How empty of a shell she was. "I kinda forgot what time it was, ya know? Just was hanging out in a closet with a book. Lost track a time," she lied through her teeth. Something she found herself doing much more often since Sterling's passing. It was the only way she knew how to cope with tragedy. The only way she could keep herself from falling apart.
Dicing tomatoes for that afternoon's supper, Gloria nodded slightly unconvinced. She handed a couple of fresh onions to the short brunette across from her. "I need ya to cut these into rings. They're gonna go in the pot with the tomatoes," she informed her, placing the pile of diced tomatoes in the pot she mentioned. Her brown eyes looked Lorna over thoughtfully.
"How's your son doing? What'd ya say his name is again?"
The simple inquiry left a sour taste in Lorna's mouth. Keeping up this charade seemed almost impossible. Until she remembered that she didn't have anyone to help her through the mourning. She had to make people think she was fine, she just had to.
"Oh, he's doing much better. Little Sterling is a fighter—Vinny just visited this morning to tell me they're finally allowing him to take our son home. Isn't that wonderful?"
Talking about kids with other inmates always brought a slight warmth to the Hispanic woman's heart. Made her think of her own two boys that she couldn't wait to go home to in a few short months. She smiled kindly as she nodded her head. "That's great news. That means he'll probably bring the baby to visit you sometime soon, right? How old is Sterling now?"
Lorna swallowed uncomfortably, eyes staring down at the knife in her hand. She took in the sharpness of its edge and longed to let it tear open her skin. She needed something to release all the emotions that swarmed inside of her. Emotions that she had to keep locked away. Without looking up, she nodded slowly. Digging the knife through the onion. "Oh, yeah, of-of course. He's planning to bring him when he turns three months old next month. I can't wait to finally see my baby in person. I only got to hold him for a second before those nurses snatched him away from me."
"I'm so sorry," the middle-aged woman muttered, using a spoon to stir the tomatoes around in the pot. "The most memorable part of giving birth to my boys was that first time I got to hold them. And you didn't really get that. I can't imagine how painful that is nor do I want to."
"At least I'll be able to hold him as much as I want when I get outta this place."
The rest of the shift, Lorna kept silent and—when no one was looking—tucked the knife into her bra, cushioning it with a bunch of napkins to keep it from protruding. Seeing the sexual banter between Nicky and – what was her name? she thought – Shani only made her want to get back to max faster. So she could lock herself away in the closet and finally release all of her inner pain. Her inner emotions. She patted her hand against her breasts, trying to keep the knife from being noticeable.
"Morello?" That familiar oddly accented voice called out.
Lorna looked up to come face-to-face with the very woman who made her skin crawl. The woman who took Nicky away from her. She swallowed hard and forced a broken smile. There was no point in getting angry, she realized, not when she had plans to take out all of her feelings on herself later that evening. "Yeah?" The word came out in a hushed tone.
"You were Nicky's romantic partner, yes?" The long-haired Egyptian woman inquired; her dark brows inquisitively arched.
"Why-why do you ask?" The shorter brunette nervously threw out her question, staring down at her cotton shirt. How she longed to just get back to the prison. To lock herself away from the world.
Shani's eyes peered unreadably over at the other. As if searching for something. "You don't mind that she's hooking up with me now, do ya? I think she might be the one for me, ya know? And I just want to be sure that the two of you are finished. I can see her giving you looks every now and then and I don't like it. I just want to be clear that there's nothing left between you and her, right?"
Hooking up with her now? She might be the one? Lorna's eyes widened. She stared straight ahead at the woman as though she had two heads. "What?"
Shani blinked and shrugged her shoulders. "Huh? Oh, I just was saying how you got a piece of onion knotted in your hair." She moved a finger to point at the exact location from a few feet away. A friendly smile on her face.
It took a moment for Lorna to process everything. Did she just imagine the conversation in her head? Was she hallucinating? She shifted uncomfortably in her spot. "Oh. Uh, thanks," she mumbled, removing the piece of produce from her dark waves.
Standing beside the rather tall Egyptian woman, Nicky stared at the brunette with a deep bout of concern growing. She reached across the counter to place a hand comfortingly on her shoulder. "You okay, kid?"
"Yeah, yeah. Course' I'm fine. I needa go. I have to call Vinny, see how Sterling's doing," Lorna muttered, taking off her apron and placing it on the hook on her way out.
The redhead quickly said goodbye to Shani and was rapidly on Lorna's tail. As soon as she caught up to her, she stopped her by wrapping a concerned arm around her shoulder. She peered worriedly into her eyes. "You sure you're okay? Ya look a little pale and not really with us here…Ya getting sick or somethin', doll?"
Although she craved Nicky's touch and affection, she couldn't accept it. Not after Nicky chose that tater-tot loving Shani. After she stopped paying attention to both herself and Red and the rest of their family. She shook her head briskly and reluctantly pulled away from the familiar, comforting, touch. "Doesn't matter," her voice no louder than a whisper.
"Of course it matters. You matter to me."
"I shouldn't. Ya got Shani now. You don't need to be worrying about me anymore, hon. I'm not your problem." Lorna replied back, resuming her walk back to the van.
Nicky, once again, stopped her by placing a tender hand onto her shoulder. "Stop it, kid. I will always care about you even if we're only friends. You're important to me and I can't just stop fucking worrying. What's going on with you?"
"Instead of worrying about me, worry about Red. She needs you more than I do, Nicky. I'm gonna go back to prison and call my husband. See how my son is. Maybe pretend my life isn't going to shit for once."
Despite what she told the other women, Lorna planned to spend her evening away from civilization in her newfound abandoned custodial closet. The minute the van returned them back to the maximum facility, she took off down the hall in leu of her new place of hiding. Her one safe space where no one could bother her. Where she could finally release all of the anguish—all of the pain and despair.
She shut the door as soon as she entered and moved towards the back in case anyone else decided to come in. Once she felt comfortable enough, she reached inside of her shirt for the knife she stole. She cradled it in her shaky hands for a few moments. Letting her eyes stare it over meticulously. The sharpness didn't scare her. Rather it washed her with a sense of peace. This was exactly what she needed to help alleviate some of the hurt, the grief, the anger.
It took her a while before she placed the knife against the skin of her upper arm. She had to do it on a part of her that could be hidden. Where people wouldn't notice and give her concerned glances. Or give reason for anyone to deem her as crazy. She already knew she was crazy—what sane person would contemplate cutting her skin with a sharp knife? No one she knew. No one but a crazy, faulty-wired, mentally unstable person like herself.
"Do it," she told herself, eyes piercing darkly at the object lying against her flesh. "Do it, Lorna. No one wants you anyway. No one will care if ya cut yourself."
She sucked in a large breath and began to let the blade of the knife make contact with her skin. At first, it was painful and a squeal escaped from her throat. But the second time hadn't felt too bad. Tears immediately came pouring from her eyes as specs of blood started to seep through the cuts. "Vinny doesn't want you anymore and Nicky found someone else. Someone better than you. You're not good enough for no one, Lorna."
The more she thought about everything, the harder she stuck the knife through her skin. If she ended up dead, she didn't give a shit. No one would miss Lorna Morello anyway. She watched the blood through blurred eyes. She contemplated cutting her chest but didn't think she was ready for that. If she missed the spot and someone came in, she knew she'd be doomed to the psyche ward and that was much worse than death.
The door's creaking against the floor of the closet quickly halted Lorna's actions. She threw the knife back into her bra and used the wrinkled napkins to wrap around the bleeding wound on her arm before pulling the sleeve down to cover it. Her eyes averted over towards the now open door to see who had interrupted and was shocked to see that it was Alex Vause. Who she hadn't seen since she and Nicky participated in their unofficial prison wedding.
"Lorna? You're the one who I'm selling this pack of drugs to?" The tall black-haired woman questioned with an unsure expression plastered on her face.
Lorna gulped at the inquiry. But since she was on a roll with lies, she nodded her head shakily. "What kind ya-ya got?"
The shakiness in her tone had alarm bells ringing in Alex's head. She folded her arms over her chest and gave a firm stare down to the younger woman. "Lorna, are ya really sure you're here to get drugs? You're the last person who I'd ever expect to want something so harmful. What's going on?"
"Just tell me what kinda drugs ya got…please?"
If there wasn't such an eerie vibe in the room, Alex would have laughed at the comment. The only person to want drugs from her who knew how to use manners. But she didn't laugh, only let her blue eyes look the petite brunette over in sympathy. "Heroin. Ya know the same stuff that got Nicky sent here. Maybe not a wise decision for you to take it. Nicky wouldn't want ya to do that to yourself, Lorna."
"Nicky won't know. She's kinda busy anyway," Lorna muttered, eyes staring down at the floor. She sighed quietly, having no idea what the hell she was getting herself into. But she reminded herself it hadn't matter anyway. No one was there to care anymore.
Alex threw the tiny packet back and forth between her hands. Not sure whether she wanted to give such a harmful drug to someone who used to be her friend. She didn't feel comfortable doing that. Couldn't imagine why someone like Lorna would even consider using. She inhaled sharply, softening the expression on her face. "Ya wanna talk about what's bothering you? Why are you so suddenly into the idea of taking hardcore drugs like heroin?"
"A lotta shits been going on and I just need a way out, okay?
"What kinda shit?"
Lorna rolled her neck around her shoulders, growing irritated with the prying questions. "I don't wanna talk about it. Can I just have the drugs, please? What do I gotta pay ya?"
Gripping her hand tighter around the small packet, Alex shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know if I can give this to ya then. If ya want them that bad, at least tell me what's happened. You are the last person anyone would ever expect to take drugs. Some real bad shit must have happened to make ya turn to that, yeah? What?"
She didn't expect to be leaving this custodial closet with a pack of heroin either. But it was the only way she could explain why she was sitting in a secluded closet to begin with. It was better than Alex's finding out she had locked herself in there to cut herself. No matter how hard it was to tell the truth to someone, she had to do it to save herself a visit to the psyche.
"My, my little boy—Sterling—he didn't make it, he died from pneumonia Vinny said and," she began, a few sniffles interrupting her words, "and he-he came by a few weeks ago to-to tell me he-he's divorcing me and Nicky…Nicky's been a little busy freezer-fucking this girl who loves tater tots. So ya know life's going real great right now. I feel so great."
A sad sigh made its way up from the older woman's windpipe. She used her free hand to place comfortingly over Lorna's arm, stroking it lightly with her fingers. "Oh, Lorna, I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how much you were looking forward to being a mom—we all did. What the fuck? Why would Vinny divorce you right after you lost your baby? What an asshole. Nicky's fucking some girl in the freezer? Wow. When did all this happen? Does Nicky know about Vinny and the baby?"
"What about the baby? Sterling is going home with Vinny today. He just came and told me at visitation." Lorna's instincts automatically kicked in. Making her realize just how far down the rabbit hole she was. She shook her head furiously as tears soaked her porcelain cheeks. "I mean no, Nicky knows none of this. I've been telling her and everyone that he-he's fine. I don't know what else to do. That's why I need these drugs. Just lemme have em' so I can go."
"Lorna, you need to tell Nicky. You have to. She would want to help ya through this. You're not getting heroin; I can't give it to you. I'm sorry, it's not happening. You need to go find Nicky and talk to her. If you don't, I will. Because using heroin won't do anything to help you, it'll just mess with your brain."
Lorna chortled at the comment. She threw her arms up in despair. "My brain's already messed up, Alex. What's a little heroin? Come on, just give me one little pack and I won't ever ask for another. Please. I need an escape from this. I don't got no one…at least heroin might let me feel at peace again."
The blood seeped through her sleeve and Lorna was mortified when she saw it, clear-as-day, drip from her arm all the way to the ground. Visible to both she and Alex. She shifted uncomfortably in her spot.
"Is that blood on your arm?" Alex inquired shakily.
Lorna swallowed hard. She turned her head away, not wanting to see the expression on her face. "It could be."
"Why is your arm bleeding? Did someone do this to you? Was it that girl Nicky's sleeping with? What's going on, Lorna?"
She shook her head. Tension rose throughout her entire body. She bit the bottom of her lip, hoping Alex wouldn't tell a CO about this and get her sent to the psychiatric unit. That's the last thing she needed at that moment. "I-I cut my arm."
Tightening her grip, Alex peered firmly into her eyes. "You cut your arm? On purpose? Did ya do it in here? Fuck…is that why you were in here? You came here to cut yourself? With what? How did ya get anything sharp in here?"
"I kinda stole a knife from the kitchen at ICE…I just needed some damn release, okay? It's no big deal. I'm fine. Don't say a word to anyone, please. Especially not Nicky. She don't want me no more anyway."
Holding a hand over her mouth, Alex couldn't believe her words. Couldn't fathom how Lorna could do something so detrimental to herself…her own body. "You stole a knife from the ICE detention center to hurt yourself in a secluded closet? Oh, Lorna…why-why would ya do this? Ya have to tell Nicky. You obviously need her. You can't do this kinda shit to yourself. You aren't fine and this is a pretty big deal. If a CO came in here and saw ya doing that…who knows what would have happened to you. Come here; let me give ya a hug, yeah?"
Lorna didn't move but felt the taller woman's arms wrap securely around her body. Pulling her in for a tight embrace. It was comforting but it certainly wasn't the same as being in Nicky's arms. She sighed and let herself lightly relax. Tears flowed from her eyes. She really had no idea what she was doing anymore. And didn't think anyone would be able to help her out of this.
"Hey, Lorna," that familiar husky voice called from the doorway of her cell.
Lorna, who laid emotionlessly on her bed, turned on her side to glance over at her. She sighed. It hurt to know that the woman she still loved and craved seemed to have found someone else. Someone who she wanted to be with. It felt like a knife through chest. She swallowed dryly. "Hmm?" Her voice called out, not much louder than a whisper.
"It's about time to head down to the kitchen," she informed her carefully. She entered inside the cell to get a closer look at the small brunette. Searching her over with concerned eyes. She sat at the edge of the bed and placed a hand on her cheek, letting the tips of her fingers stroke softly against the flesh. "You okay? You're paler than yesterday. What's wrong, baby? What's the matter with Litchfield's most bubbly inmate, huh?"
Baby? Was it normal for an ex-lover to still refer to the other as baby? She shook the thought away and pulled the blanket up even further. There was no way she could handle seeing Nicky and tater-tot lover making googly eyes with one another. "I can't."
Nicky raised a worried eyebrow, not moving her hand from Lorna's cheek. "You can't what? Will ya please tell me what's going on? You have me all worried, Lorna."
"I can't go. I think I'm getting the flu or somethin'. I don't feel right. Don't worry about me, hon. I'm not important. Go see Shani, is she your new girlfriend? Whatever makes you happy. Cause' I know I failed you," she muttered, eyes shutting tight. "I failed everyone," her voice almost inaudible.
Gently placing a hand over her forehead, Nicky's eyes widened from the intensity of the heat. "Holy fuck—doll, you're burning up. We better get ya to medical. You probably got a bad infection or some shit," she murmured.
Lorna shook her head. "No. I just need to rest. Okay? Don't worry about me. Ya gotta go to the kitchen and see Shani. I told her I'd leave ya alone. Just go be with her before something happens."
"I'm not leaving you here like this. You're obviously delirious from whatever infection ya have and need to see a doctor before it gets worse. Come on, let me take you."
"I am fine." Lorna slurred; eyes barely able to stay open.
Nicky swallowed thickly, quickly realizing this wasn't the result of an infection but rather drug use. She was all too familiar with that. "What did you take? Who the fuck gave you drugs, Lorna?"
She shook her head and reached a shaky hand up to touch against Nicky's cheek. "Hon, please don't stay here. You have Shani. She's better for you. She doesn't have a fucked up brain like I do. Go be with her and just forget about me. Forget that I exist."
Nothing hurt more than to hear such words come from Lorna's mouth. The woman who, no matter how many women she fucked, she could never stop loving as deeply as she had. It easily brought a fountain of tears to her eyes to hear Lorna speak so poorly of herself. Without any hesitation, Nicky laid in the cramped bunk and threw her arms tight around the brunette's waist.
"Lorna," she murmured through sniffles. "I love you. I will never forget you exist. I'm sorry I've been neglectful of you and ma but I still care so much for you. I'm here. Let me help. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on with you. Why are you so depressed? What kinda drugs are you using and when the hell did this start? Look, I'm not mad at you…I just I need you to tell me what you're taking."
"It's just a little Heroin. I-I don't remember who gave it to me. After Alex refused to give me some I was kinda in a daze and took it from whoever I could find that would give me some. I figured maybe the heroin would make my brain a little less fucked up, ya know?"
Nicky bit the inside of her mouth and shook her head. No way she was about to let Lorna go down the same path she did. Over her dead body, she thought. "Heroin? You're using heroin? Shit, Lorna. That stuff will kill ya. Why-why are you taking it? When did this start?"
It felt like the walls were caving in on her. Lorna could barely get enough air in her lungs. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"You have to. You have to talk to me. I'm not letting you use heroin. No way. What is going on? Did something happen to the baby? Is Vinny being an asshole? What the fuck is so bad that you would even consider using drugs?"
Too many questions Lorna's mind screamed inside her head. Too many things to think about. She was overwhelmed and that only made her feel worse. She shook her head. "Stop it, Nicky, stop. I can't. I can't do this. Please stop."
"Tell me what's going on. You need to face the truth whatever it is and you need to tell me about it. This can't go on the way it is. You're gonna fucking end up dead, kid. I don't want that. I love you too much to fucking lose you," Nicky sternly commented, leaning their foreheads together. Her breath trickling softly against Lorna's face.
Lorna shrugged a shoulder. "Let it kill me," she mumbled, a painful lump forming in her throat. She'd rather be dead than to watch everyone she ever cared for dwindle away like they seemed to be.
She shook her head, hoping she misheard the brunette. She hoped to God Lorna didn't actually say that she wanted it to kill her. Her arms tightened around her waist, tears forming in her eyes at that point. "You need to talk to me. If you're fucking wanting to end your life, something isn't right here. What's wrong, baby? What happened to you? Where's my bubbly Lorna at?"
"She-she doesn't exist anymore, Nicky. Bubbly Lorna is dead and one day regular Lorna will be too."