Author's Note: Thank you A Star In My Universe for the lovely review on the last chapter. I'm glad someone liked it. I guess it wasn't a good one, since not many people left their thoughts. I'm sorry. It took me a while to get this one written because I don't know if people are actually enjoying this story or not. Please, feel free to review and tell me what you think. I always appreciate and cherish each one I receive. They motivate me to update faster. Thanks. Enjoy.
Warning: Suicidal thoughts.
Chapter Three
It proved harder and harder trying to put up her charade in front of everyone. Nicky always seemed to be eyeing her during shifts at the kitchen or in the van on their way to and from. Occasionally Alex would come up to her during rec-time outside and try to question her but Lorna did her best to fully throw herself into her fantasies. She wasn't about to let anyone see her breakdown. Wasn't going to let herself fall apart in front of other people. She had to pretend everything was fine. She just had to.
"How's Sterling?"
Those two simple words were all it took. Lorna froze from her task. All color drained from her body. No one mentioned her son in weeks and now, someone decided to question her about him? It made a large lump form in the pit of her stomach. She gradually lifted her head to stare at the person who threw such an inquiry at her and felt her heart drop when her her eyes landed on Nicky. Giving her that all-to-familiar look.
"He's, ya know, thriving," she finally answered, her voice monotone. She had no emotions left. The cutting and small doses of heroin—here and there—drained her of any type of feeling. She was nothing but an empty and broken shell.
Nicky looked her over in concern, not entirely sure what to think. Something was clearly wrong with the petite Italian. She hadn't heard her mention the baby in weeks. That wasn't like Lorna, she knew. Lorna loved that baby more than anything—what reason could possibly stop her from talking everyone's ear off about him? "Yeah? Is Vinny planning to bring him for a visit anytime soon?"
The inquiry only worsened the lump that sat at the bottom of Lorna's stomach. She swallowed uncomfortably and shifted her legs as she stood in place. "Uh, course' he is. Just Sterling's been teething lately and he doesn't want to make it worse by dragging him all the way out here, ya know?"
The faint shakiness of her voice didn't go unnoticed by Nicky. She folded her arms over her chest and arched a concerned eyebrow. "Yeah? Ya sure everything's okay with him and Vinny?"
"Yes, yes—why would you even ask that? I hear from Vinny all the time; he-he's always telling me how well Sterling's doing and how big he's getting. I just, I can't wait to see him."
Nicky sighed. She forgot how hard it was to get the very stubborn Italian woman to open up about anything. Her hands instinctively went up in the air. "The fact that you haven't been talking your ear off about either of them in over week makes me wonder if things are okay."
"Oh, yeah—yeah, everything's fine. Course' everything's fine. Vinny said he'll bring the baby in a few weeks."
Though her words were of an optimistic nature, Lorna's face said otherwise. Nicky watched as the expression on her face never changed. How her brown eyes didn't light up the way they used to at the mention of her son and husband. How her lips curved into a frown rather than a smile. Something definitely wasn't right. Lorna was keeping something from her—she could feel it. But she'd have to wait until they were back at the prison to act on anything, she knew. Now wasn't the time or place.
"I hope that's true, kid. We all know how much ya love that baby and Vinny better bring him to see you like he plans."
Lorna nodded and forced a smile. Even though she knew her baby was never going to see her again. That she would never get hold his tiny body in her arms or hear his first word or see him take his first steps. All of that was taken from her. By his death, by her faulty wiring, by this damn prison. She lost the chance to be a mother. And that felt as horrific as seeing Shani hanging all over Nicky right in front of her eyes. Both only continued to rip her heart apart. She had nothing to hold onto it seemed. Nothing to keep her from fading into her own darkness.
She opened her mouth to respond when she caught a glimpse of Shani in the corner of her eye. Who stood behind Nicky, giving her the death stare. Her feet shifted underneath her. That wasn't a good sign.
"What did I tell you about talking to my girl, Morello?" That voice sounded a little too close for comfort. A little too threatening for security.
Lorna turned head slightly and nearly fell when she saw Shani's standing right beside her. The darkest gleam hiding in her light eyes. She felt her legs shake a small amount as she stood there, stunned. Her hand gripped onto the counter to keep her stance steady. "Huh?" Her voice not much louder than a whisper.
"Lorna?" Nicky waved her hand worriedly in front of the brunette's dazed eyes. Looking her over in nothing but deep concern. "Are ya with us, kid?"
"Don't even look at her, Morello. Nicky's my girlfriend, you hear me? She loves me not you. And you better keep your hands off her," Shani's voice harshly growled in her ear.
The bewildered look in Lorna's eyes confirmed the redhead's underlying suspicion. She immediately grabbed hold of her hand and led her into a secluded area of the kitchen. Her hands cupped around porcelain cheeks. "How much did ya take? Who is giving you this shit, Lorna?"
Tilting her head, Lorna stared at her with wide orbs. What was going on? What was Shani planning to do to her? She flinched away from the other's touch, still not realizing it was Nicky who had her. That Shani was just a figment of her imagination at this point in time. She couldn't even hear what was being asked of her, all she could do was stand there in fear.
"Lorna, doll, snap out of it," Nicky murmured, gently moving her hand to stroke against the flesh underneath it. "Please, say something. What's going on? How much heroin did ya take?"
"Her-heroin? What? Nicky used to use that; how would you know that?"
Curling a strand of hair, Nicky used her finger to place it softly behind her ear. She swallowed thickly and leaned forward to gently rest her forehead against the smaller woman's. "I am Nicky, baby. And you're right, I did used to take it. That's why I hate that you've discovered it. Why I want to know who gave it to you so I can beat the hell outta them. Please tell me how much ya took, yeah?"
"Nicky?" Lorna's voice nearly squeaked. Finally seeming to come out of her hallucination. Something that appeared to be happening a lot more often lately. Was it her mental illness? The heroin? A mixture of the two? She had no idea. But it was beginning to terrify her.
Nicky nodded with a sad smile. "Yeah, baby. I'm here," she assured, pressing a delicate kiss to her temple. "What's going on? Can ya talk to me? Tell me what's wrong."
"I don't know. I-I saw Shani. I thought you were her, Nicky."
"You're hallucinating, kid. Heroin will do that to ya. Ya must have taken a lot, yeah? You're barely able to stand without shaking. Shit," the redhead muttered, framing Lorna's face lovingly in her hands.
The brunette shook her head and focused her eyes elsewhere. She couldn't engage in a conversation with Nicky. Shani told her not to. And she knew, from that dark look in her eyes, the outcome wouldn't be good if she chose not to listen.
To see her suddenly shut down had Nicky gradually grow frustrated. She sucked in a sharp breath and used her hands to turn Lorna's head back to facing her own. "Lorna, tell me how much ya took. Now. This isn't a choice; you need to tell me. Heroin can fucking kill you, believe me, I would fucking know. I almost lost my life once because of it and I really don't wanna fucking lose you."
"I don't really know…I just, she gave me a plastic packet and I-I dumped it in my coffee. I think I took too much? I mean I don't know if I took too much or I'm just crazy. Could it be both? Hon, I don't know how to say I'm so sorry…but I'm so sorry."
"I think we should get ya back to your cell. You need a nap, baby. You can't work like this. The COs will notice that something's not right and they'll have ya evaluated or some shit. Lemme hold you, yeah? I'll let them know you're sick." With a small, timid, nod from the younger woman, Nicky instinctively proceeded to wrap her arms securely around her petite waist.
When they arrived back at the prison, a mere ten minutes after the fact, Nicky quickly helped Lorna back to her cell. She laid her gently against the mattress of the bottom bunk. Sitting on the edge of the bed, the taller woman gazed softly down at her—eyes filled with sorrow and anguish to see how drastically her beloved best friend was deteriorating. How she actually turned to heroin, the same drug that ruined her own life on the outside. She seemed to be spiraling downward and Nicky had no idea how to help her. Or what was even the cause of such a sudden change.
It hurt tremendously to watch Lorna's silent battle. To see her so out of it. So dazed and far away from reality. And not know what she can do help, to fix the problem. Hell, she didn't know if she was aware of the problem. What was making Lorna shut down this way. She was determined to get to the bottom of this. She couldn't just sit back and watch the woman she loved continue down this dark path.
"Close your eyes and rest, kid. I'll try to get you some water, yeah? I need you to talk to me about what's going on. Later, after you've gotten some sleep."
Lorna pulled the blanket to cover her up to her neck. Her lips faintly tremored in place. "Sorry," her voice breathy and drained. Her eyes glanced up into Nicky's and she was surprised to see the compassion that filled them. She thought she truly lost Nicky's love and affection when she became pregnant with Vinny's child.
"Don't," the redhead softly murmured, placing a hand delicately against her cheek. She used the tips of her fingers to massage gently around the flesh and sighed. "I'm here for ya, okay? I'm gonna take care a you just like before. You get some sleep, baby, and I'll come check on ya in a little while. We're gonna talk about all of this later when you're feeling better."
Nicky sat in the visitation room, hand on the phone, waiting for—what felt like an eternity to pass—Vinny to finally arrive. She tapped her fingers anxiously against the window, watching people and officers walk by on the other side of it. After ten minutes went by, she finally caught sight of the very man slowly making his way to the sit on the other side of the window. His appearance seemed a lot rougher than she had expected. It looked like he hadn't slept well in months. She felt an uncomfortable sensation begin to grow inside of her. Something was wrong, that much she gathered.
"Hi," she greeted, a solemn mien sitting on her face. Her eyes watched him closely, not too surprised at the confusion etched on his. The two had never met before, only had a brief phone conversation over a year ago. Of course, it was normal for his unsure reaction.
He picked up the phone on the other side, slowly. He'd never seen this woman before in his life but easily assumed this was Nicky. The very Nicky who Lorna never stopped mentioning. He sighed. "Hi." What was this all about? Had Lorna put Nicky up to this? To try to get him to reverse the divorce?
It was easy to see that he had no idea what he was doing here, meeting with her. She inhaled a breath, trying to figure out how to word her thoughts. "I need to talk to you about Lorna," she started, nervously tapping her fingers rhythmically against the plastic end of the phone in her hands.
His head nodded leisurely. "I see. She put ya up to this, huh?"
Eyebrows arched inquisitively above her concerned eyes; Nicky tilted her head in growing interest. "Put me up to what? I've asked ya to come here because I'm worried about your wife. Aren't you?"
Wife? Vinny shook his head dishearteningly. He wondered what the hell Lorna was going around telling people. She was even more delusional than he had originally thought. "She ain't my wife no more. I divorced her a few months ago. I'm guessing she's lying to all ya guys about that? What else is new? Lorna's a pro liar." He threw his arms up in exasperation.
"Look, I don't know what the hell's going on with you two, but don't fucking trash talk Lorna. Obviously, she's not okay right now and calling her names isn't gonna change shit. Why did ya divorce her? What reason could ya do that to her? Are ya trying to hurt her? All she wants is to see her baby and you divorce her? Too lazy to bring the baby here?"
The interrogation had Vinny's teeth gritting together. He shook his head even harder. Lorna was sick. Beyond sick, he realized. "Ah, another thing she's lying about—our son died in the NICU with pneumonia. Five months ago, Nicky."
Her mouth opened and shut. She covered it up with her hand, trying to take in the news. The news that explained it all. That gave her reason as to why Lorna wasn't herself anymore. Why she kept to herself and barely functioned. Why she turned to drugs like heroin. Lorna couldn't handle traumatic occurrences like the death of her own infant son. And, Nicky was fuming with her own self for not seeing the signs. For not being there to help Lorna through this. It made her sick inside. Sick that she had no idea what Lorna was going through, that she suffered alone through the grieving process.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, tears already beginning to flow from her eyes. "I had no idea. Lorna…she's just not the same anymore. She stopped mentioning you and the baby. But she never—she never mentioned anything about his death or you two being divorced. If any of us asked, she'd tell us how you're planning to bring him for a visit soon. But this whole time…she's been silently mourning his death? Fuck." The tears swarmed from her orbs like a waterfall. She couldn't even imagine the pain Lorna was in over this. Everything all made sense to her now. And that only made her feel worse.
"Lorna's delusional," he responded, his own tears running along his gruffy cheeks.
Nicky shook her head. "Lorna is not delusional. She has no idea how to handle this kinda trauma shit. Especially all on her own. Telling others that everything's fine—and herself—is how she copes with pain. She can't fucking handle the truth…and I was not there to help her," she yelled, anger and distress clearly evident in her tone.
The comment had his frustration flare up even harder. He couldn't believe Nicky would make an excuse for his ex's behavior. "That makes it okay for her to lie about all this shit? She's fucked up, Nicky. What kinda person won't admit that their son's gone? Or pretend that she's still married after a divorce? She's right where she needs to be—in prison."
That was all Nicky needed to hear for her empathy to turn into a fiery rage. She glared at him with the utmost venom seeping through her big brown orbs. "Don't you ever call Lorna such vile names. She's not even close to fucked up, Vinny. She's mentally ill and can't fucking process her grief like the rest of us can—that doesn't fucking make her fucked up or bad! How dare ya even think that shit. No, ya know what? I'm glad you divorced her—you can't take care of her like I can. Or love her as much as I do. She needs me, she always needed me. And, now, thanks to you, I'll be the one she leans on for support from now on. So, thanks, Mr. Muccio, for divorcing my Lorna and leaving her an even bigger mess than she was before. You really did her a fucking favor."
Nicky didn't even bother to wait for a response from him. Her body was fuming with rage and hatred for him. She jumped from the booth and ran out of there. All that was on her mind was getting to Lorna. She needed to get her to open up to her and admit all of what had happened. She needed to hear this from the brunette. To hear all the pain and grief and emotions she was dealing with. All on her own for five long months.
However, when she got back to the cell, she found the bed empty. Immediately, her heartrate began to rise. She felt a lump form in the back of her throat. Where the hell could Lorna have run off too? She wondered worriedly. Her legs moved automatically out of the cell and through the rec-room, trying to locate someone—anyone—who could have seen Lorna or heard of her whereabouts.
She was so focused on Lorna that she hadn't been paying attention to where she was walking and bumped into another inmate unintentionally. "Sorry," she muttered after they both stood up. Her eyes glanced up to see who it was and felt a slight bout of relief when she came face-to-face with Gloria. "Hey, have ya seen Lorna recently?"
"Not since kitchen duty earlier. Is everything okay?" The middle-aged Hispanic woman softly inquired; her light brown eyes gazing concerningly across at the redhead.
Nicky shook her head in dismay. "No, nothing is okay. I just found out that her baby died five months ago and her marriage is no more. Everything has gone to shit for Lorna and I didn't have a damn clue about it. She's been suffering all this time by herself. And, now, god-only-knows where the hell's she ventured off to!"
Mouth gaped in open in shock, it took a moment for Gloria to take the other's words in. It broke her heart to hear what Lorna's been through—something no mother should have to ever go through and yet, she'd done it alone. With no one to comfort her and vent to. She couldn't believe it. She placed a tender hand on Nicky's shoulder to somehow try to calm her.
"Take a breath. Getting all worked up like ya are isn't gonna help matters. Five months? Lorna's been dealing with her son's death for five months and hasn't told a soul?"
"The thing is…I don't even know if Lorna's really accepted his death…She keeps telling everyone he's home with Vinny and doing fine. She hasn't admitted to herself that he died. She won't do it until I find her and get her to talk to me. I fucking just got done visiting with her asshole of an ex-husband…and I'm boiling. Where is Lorna? You really haven't seen her?" The rage was at the breaking point Nicky could sense. She needed to find Lorna and fast.
The minute Nicky left her alone, Lorna knew what she had to do. A half-hour later, she found herself jogging up an abandoned set of stairs that led to the roof of the prison. The cold air hit her rapidly as she took her first step out of the doorway. But it didn't bother her one bit. The only thing on her mind was getting rid of all of her troubles. All of her stresses and anguish. Letting all of the people who ever cared finally get their burden lifted off of their shoulders. She slowly walked over to where the edge of the roof started. Everything looked so tiny from up there, she noted. As if she could stomp over the trees and cars that sat at the bottom of the ground with her feet. It was quite the sight.
She inhaled the fresh air and sat down on the ledge, taking in everything. Her eyes shut. The tears were sitting right inside of them she could feel. She shook her head in irritancy. When she reopened them, just moments later, she caught glimpse of a familiar lengthy Egyptian figure. How did Shani get her? Why was Shani here? To relish in her suicide, no doubt. All Shani wanted was to watch her suffer and now, she'd finally give her exactly what she wanted with her death. Nicky.
"Morello," that accent commented. Almost in a sing-song-y fashion.
Lorna shut her eyes once more and this time when they opened, Shani was standing right behind her. She could feel her breath on her back, her eyes glaring into her soul. She moved, slightly, away from her and turned her head to stare at the tall Egyptian woman. "What? What do ya want? Why do ya keep bothering me?"
Despite her attempt to move away, Shani regained her position right beside her. She tapped her on the head rather roughly. Lips curved into a conniving smirk. "You know exactly what I want and you're giving it to me. Your suicide will free-up Nicky. And then, she's all mine. You know, she doesn't even really want you anyway, Morello. Who would? You're fucking crazy. A crazy little girl who cuts herself—let me see your arm, show me your cuts. Let's see how mental you are, shall we?" She grabbed her arm harshly and rolled-up the sleeve. Her eyes inspected the cut darkly. She jabbed a finger violently around it, taking pleasure in her painful squeals.
"Stop it," Lorna cried, the pain overwhelming. "Stop it, that hurts."
Shani snickered and slapped her hand against it before pulling the sleeve back over it. "Oh, so what? You're the one who cut your arm. I didn't do that you. You're crazy, Morello. You'd be doing everyone a favor by jumping off this roof, you know? All you are is a burden to society with your faulty-wired brain. Why waste our money and time when you can just end it all right now? Don't worry, I'll be there for Nicky. She'll forget all about you in not time."
The comments echoed through Lorna's mind. She nodded her head brokenly. Every bit of it was true. She wasn't anything but a burden to the entire planet. She had no purpose being in this world anymore—no one needed her…no one wanted her. Lorna was useless. A useless waste of a being with her faulty wiring. Nicky would soon move on without her and probably have a better life because of that. Vinny, obviously, didn't need her anymore, and her family—they'd be relieved to not have the burden of a mentally sick daughter.
She felt a hand pulling on her and wondered what the other's plan was. Had she been planning to push her off this roof? Her eyes instinctively shut, bracing herself for the deadly fall. But instead, what happened next, she felt her body being lifted from the ground into a strong pair of arms. She kept her eyes closed, too afraid to see who it was. To see who'd come to find her. There was no way it was Nicky, she thought. Nicky hadn't seen her or where she could have possibly walked off to.
"I saw ya running off somewhere, Lorna, and I followed you—you didn't look well. Fuck am I glad I did," the voice of Alex Vause vibrated against Lorna's ear.
Lorna finally opened her eyes and timidly lifted her head to see the very woman looking down at her with the deepest worry and concern. The two were already half-way down the flight of stairs, she noticed. She kept quiet, ashamed of herself. Ashamed that anyone had to witness her insanity.
"What were you doing up there? And who did ya get the heroin from, huh? I know I didn't give ya any—was it Daya?"
It was all too much for Lorna to process. She couldn't keep up with all the questions and words spewing from Alex's mouth. The concern in her eyes was overwhelming. She felt like she couldn't breathe. "Why, why, did ya follow me? I-I wanted to jump," she said so quietly, she didn't know if she even spoke it out loud.
Alex stopped dead in her tracks and looked sternly down at the young brunette. "What?"
"I wanted to jump," she repeated, an uncomfortable lump in her throat.
"Fuck, kid…you're worse off than I thought. You haven't even told Nicky about anything, have you? That's why you're like this—ya won't tell her the truth."
Swallowing thickly, Lorna closed her eyes and let the tears finally flow freely. She shook her head solemnly. "Nicky—she doesn't deserve to be burdened with me and my problems anymore. No one does, Alex. It's better if I—if I just kill myself, ya know? All I do is hurt her and anyone else I care about. I'm fucked up and there ain't nothing that can be done to fix that…except for me to die."
Those words cut like a knife to hear. It made Alex realize just how truly hurt Lorna was. Made her reflect on how she wouldn't be able to handle it if Piper were suicidal like this. That's why she wrapped her arms tighter around the petite brunette. She had to keep her together because she knew Nicky couldn't handle losing the one person that meant everything to her.
"No, Lorna, none of that shit is true. Ya hear me? Nicky loves you more than anyone in the world and if she knew how much ya want to harm yourself and even…even end your life? She'd fucking lose it. She needs you, and you clearly need her. I'm bringing you to her and I'm telling her everything. You can't fucking handle all this pain on your own, sweetheart—you need Nicky. She'll be there for you, I promise. And so will I. But ya gotta start admitting the truth. You can't keep living like this. It's only hurting you more."