Porcelain Memories

He was the spitting image of his father. Wise and regal, with a kindness that despite his various masks and identities over the years, could not be hidden. If he had portrayed himself as cold and calculated, strong and even at times brooding, it was simply because he knew what it was to survive in that era of conflict. A lesson that he perhaps learned too well.

He was resplendent, dressed in white and gold. Behind him was a bright light. He wore a crown of laurels and in his left hand was the crystal orb and in his right, the Sword of Peacecraft. And no matter how much he might try to escape the truth of his identity, she never once wavered in the belief of his greatness. She always had faith in him. Even beyond death, she still believed in him. Magnificent; he was a king, he always has been.

She noticed something, something that wasn't quite right. In his hands was no longer the Crystal Orb of the Sanc Kingdom and the Sword of Peacecraft. Instead, he held the mask of the Lightning Count and in his other, he held Libra with a grip so tight that he bled from his palms. She looked up at his face and though he smiled back at her, he was bleeding from every orifice.

She heard his scream. It was deafening. Filled with rage and despair, she saw him waste away before her eyes. A hundred years passed by in an instant. His robes turned from white and gold to red. And the light behind him became a powerful gust of wind. She had to cover her eyes and avert her gaze, for the wind was too strong. Soon the hollowed out carcass of the king himself began to decade, eaten away by his exile. His final resting place.

She could smell the rusted iron.

"Zechs!"

Noin woke up screaming his name. This was not the first time. The nightmares had been increasing in frequency, to the point where she was afraid to go to sleep most nights. For a brief few seconds, just as she woke up, she hoped that she would find him beside her. Safe and sound, asleep in her bed, and that the nightmare was just that and nothing more. But he was never there.

Noin splashed her face with cold water and slowly rose to look at herself in the bathroom mirror. The sterile glow of the fluorescent lights only accentuated the sleep deprived delirium upon her face and no amount of water was going to cure that. She was still sweating, despite wearing only a light grey tank top and panties. Her legs still trembled in fear. The image of his rotting corpse, sitting upon a throne of skulls wasn't something she could just shake, no matter how many times she told herself that it was just a dream.

She paced around the darkness of her apartment aimlessly. She occasionally checked the clock, only to find that only a few minutes had passed. She could not call him for another two hours. It was still, everything was. It was the way she liked things. Everything in its place, except him. He was on a far off world, wrangling the frontier and braving the hard life of exile. How she wished she could share this life, her life, with him. She liked what she had here. She liked her job. She liked her apartment with its modern amenities, minimalist furnishings, and fantastic view.

She stared out at the city below, tranquil and quiet. She had always wanted this life. Perhaps, she should've told him at least once.

Noin was beginning to grow anxious. She hadn't spoken with him in months. The satellites that enabled direct feed communication between Earth and Mars only worked during certain alignments of orbits. Mars was much farther than the colonies and even traveling there took a few weeks. But she had to do something. She couldn't just stay there and wait. Noin decided that she needed some air. She grabbed her earbuds and her music player, threw on a sweater and some tights, and headed out for a run.

The frigid air of night did her good. She could feel her senses come alive as she began to increase her pace. She ran along the Zenne and followed the flow of the river until she could see The Valknut. She decided that as long as she was out and about, she might as well get some work done.

She leaped up the steps in front of the giant triangular structure and said hello to the night guards as she flashed her security badge. Once inside she took a few moments to catch her breath and to allow her body to warm up a bit. She firmly placed her hands on her hips and exhaled hard as she looked up upon the ornaments of the lobby. She had never really taken too much note of them before now. It seemed bigger in the daytime, when people filled the space. It was austere space, filled with hard 90 degree angles, an interplay of glass, metal, and marble, presenting the illusion of strength and security.

As Noin was waiting for the elevator. She heard a faint but noticeable crack come from below her. Someone was in the firing range in the basement. Normally, it was too busy and too loud in the lobby to hear anything from down there to be heard. But in the silence of the night, she could faintly make out the sound of a semi-automatic pistol being fired with alarm speed.

Forgetting the elevator and her work, she headed downstairs. As she descended the staircase into the armoury and the firing range, she noticed as the marble disappeared from the walls and were replaced with untreated concrete.

"You know, I'd say I'm surprised but I'm really not," Noin said as she made her way into the room.

He didn't respond, he had his earmuffs on. Noin watched as Heero emptied several magazines, with incredible accuracy, into a target 30 meters away.

"What are you doing here?" Noin asked as Heero took off his earmuffs.

"Couldn't sleep," he answered as he put down his gun.

"Yeah, I know the feeling," Noin said as she leaned against the wall. "So it seems as though you're official now. You're one of us."

"Badge and identification came in the mail this morning," Heero said as he flashes his Preventers badge to her.

"Enjoying the new perks?"

"Haven't fired a gun in over a year," Heero said as he looked down range. "I must say… it feels good."

"I'm not sure if Relena would be happy to hear that."

"Relena's not here."

"Speaking of."

"She's safe, she's at home," Heero said. "Don't worry, I'll be back in Vustgaarde before she wakes up."

"Good," Noin said with a smile of relief. "Your work has been exemplary. Katerina didn't think you would be up to it. You know, babysitting duty."

"It's not the worst thing in the world."

"That's what I said. But remember, you have to take care of yourself as well," Noin said as she glanced over at Heero.

"I'm fine."

"I know you think that. But in the long run, you can't just be fine. People can't just subsist. You gotta find something to do with your life."

"I'm doing this."

"No, I don't mean this," Noin said as she gently shook her head and folded her arms across her chest. "This is a job. This isn't a life. And it's a mistake to confuse the two."

"You got something on your mind, Noin?" Heero asked as he took a seat on the bench next to him.

"Yeah, no… maybe." Noin closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. "I think I might need a break."

"So?" Heero said in his signature deadpan voice. "Take a break."

Downtown Vustgaarde

A few hours later

Heero had settled into a routine after the first month. He still had the occasional nightmares and still slept very little but even that had become ordinary. Being sleep deprived wasn't new. It had been part of his training to operate under minimal sleep and high stress. He had methods of dealing with his insomnia. He tried not to check clocks very often, he relied heavily on energy drinks and coffee to stay alert, especially in the brief hours when he was in direct contact with Relena. He did not want himself to be a cause for concern for her.

He waited for the sun to rise as he did every morning. He sat, shirtless, on the floor of his empty apartment, in front of the balcony overlooking the street. One could be forgiven for thinking that he was meditating if not for the array of weapons splayed out in front of him. He controlled his breathing, inhaling and exhale with precision and intent.

He put the blindfold over his eyes and relaxed his hands.

"Begin," he said.

His hands reached out and immediately found the slide, barrel, and recoil rod and in one swift motion snapped them together. He then found the receiver with his other hand, collected the heaviest magazine between his fingers, and brought the two pieces together. He finished reassembly by loading the gun with the magazine before calling:

"Time."

He took off the blindfold and inspected his work. He couldn't fire the gun but other than that, the gun seemed to have been assembled properly. He then picked up his phone that sat next to him on the ground and checked his time. Eight seconds. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good. More importantly, he was getting slower. He put the gun and his phone down, he tried to relax as he watched the sun rise over the rooftop of the buildings adjacent to his own. But he was starting to worry.

Vustgaarde University

A few weeks later

"But the Battle of Grandson was only the beginning. If the lords and knights of Burgundy thought this was just an isolated defeat and the natural order of things would be restored soon enough, then they were in for a rude awakening. Next week, we take a look at the shifting tides of late medieval European warfare, the advancements in infantry tactics, the revolution of pikes, and the decline of the knightly classes." Professor Scharenberg announced enthusiastically, as if to compensate for the ever declining enthusiasm of his students. "Don't forget to read chapter 7 and 8 in your textbook. Oh, and I almost forgot, your essays have been marked. Your grades have been posted online but if you would like a little more insight into your grades, you can pick up your essays in this pile right here."

The crowd of students began to slowly file out into the aisles and out of the lecture hall. Most of them weren't particularly interested in seeing what they had been deducted on their essays after having checked their grades online. A few stayed behind to pick up their actual essays, including Relena, Matilda, and Helen. They waited patiently for the crowd to clear before they made their way down to the front of the lecture hall.

Relena sat down in one of the front row seats and began to read over the red marks on her essay.

"Disappointed?" She heard his voice.

She looked up, wide eyed and a little surprised that he was speaking to her at all.

"No," Relena said with a contented sigh. "I can't be really be disappointed with 88.5% now can I? That would just be greedy."

"Not if you deserve better," Heero replied plainly.

"How did you do?" Relena asked.

"Good."

"Just good?" His vagueness always peaked her curiosity. "Well that's not really fair, is it? I showed you mine…."

Heero sat down in the chair next to Relena's. He surreptitiously slid his essay underneath the fold out table to her as if sharing classified documents.

"95%?!" Relena let out with an expression of incredulous disbelief with a hint of jealousy.

"I believe that qualifies as good."

"I think that qualifies as great," Relena said as she handed back Heero his essay back. "Well, congratulations I guess."

"I suspect Professor Scharenberg doesn't share your general disdain for war, nor you, his enthusiasm."

"He doesn't seem like a war monger to me."

"He's probably not, but he likes the idea."

"What's there to like?"

"The game, the skill, the valour, the sense of purpose…"

She was just about to chastise him and ridicule the very notion of using human lives in a game. That's how Treize and her brother imagined battle and she thought better of Heero. But then he mentioned purpose and her words stopped just short of their utterance. Instead, she merely offered him a compassionate frown. She didn't quite understand the feeling but she knew that it was real for him.

"Noin is leaving Earth," Relena said in an attempt to change the direction of their conversation. "The Preventers are throwing her a going away party. Are you going?"

"No, no, I didn't know about it," Heero answered. "Where is she going?"

"Back to Mars, I think," Relena said as she turned to look at Heero. "It's where she was stationed immediately after Mariemaia's coup."

"Why did she come back to Earth?"

"I don't know. I suppose she thought she had to take care of me," Relena answered. "As a favour to my brother, I think."

Heero's eyes widened at the mention of her brother. He hadn't thought about Zechs in years. He didn't have to. He had almost forgotten that he was her brother. He and Zechs had an implicit agreement, that victory would be total and he who triumphed in the end was deserving, so long as each fought with ceaselessly and without restraint. He could live with that. There was no enmity between the two. But even then, he betrayed the warrior's code. For her. And what he felt then, against every fiber of his being, every instinct that Zero had instilled in him, that caused him to show mercy, he felt a hundred fold more sitting next to her in that university lecture hall, two years later.

The lecture hall was nearly emptied now. It was just Relena, Heero, and her friends. They waved her over. He grabbed her hand just as she was about to get up. Stunned, she sat back down, looked to her friends, and gave them a look of I'll catch up in a bit. They understood the signal and left. It was just the two of them now and even then it took him a few moments more before he could summon up the courage to speak.

"I don't think I've…" Heero stopped again to steady his voice. "I've ever apologized for what happened."

"What are you talking about?" Relena asked.

"For what happened to him. To your brother."

"Heero…" Relena said as since winced slightly.

"I don't mean to… drag up old memories but…" As hard as he tried, he couldn't find the words. "I'm sorry. I guess that's it. I know that it doesn't count for much now. And it certainly doesn't fix anything—"

"It's okay," Relena interrupted. "I don't blame you for what happened on Libra. And you shouldn't blame yourself."

"I…" He wasn't sure what he was about to say. He didn't think about it. And perhaps that was what was so scary. Talking with Relena was easy, too easy. He naturally wanted to tell her things, things he hadn't even acknowledged himself. He was losing control of himself. First, his ability to sleep, then his control over his own body, now his mind and his words. He could feel himself breaking, tearing at the seams, years of training and discipline becoming undone. "I have to go."

He got up to leave.

"Will I see you at Noin's party tonight?" Relena asked before he could run off again.

"Relena…" Heero said softly as he looked over his shoulder at her. "I don't want to disappoint you anymore than I already have."

Relena's office, Brussels

Later that night

Relena hadn't had much use for her office in Brussels since the beginning of school. She was in Vustgaarde most days and when she did have the odd face to face diplomatic meeting, it was usually in one of the various restaurants that were popular with dignitaries in Brussels or if it was informal, in the halls just outside the Supreme Assembly. She had forgotten use spacious her office was.

It was located inside the Ministry of International Affairs across the street from the Supreme Assembly. It was a large gated compound with various sub-divisions. Unlike Parliament, it was not opened to the general public and therefore less ostentatious in its design and appearance. Relena's office was on the fifth floor of the Extraplanetary Affairs building. It was a large room, flanked on all sides by glass. It was furnished with square couches and office plants that required minimal maintenance. If she looked out her window, could see the adjacent parking structure and on the other side, the atrium of the building and down into the lobby.

She had decided to get into Brussels early so that she could get some work down before heading to Noin's party. She was far more productive in her office than she was at home or even in the University library. She managed to answer a week's worth of emails that had been piling up and even finish a few chapters of her readings for the following week before Quatre and Matilda showed up at her office to pick her up.

"Are you ever not working?" Matilda said as she pranced into Relena's office.

Relena looked up from her computer and smiled at the both of them. "I figured if I was going to be in the city anyways, I might as well get something done while I was here."

"Your office is so fancy so…."

"Grown-up?" Relena laughed as she stood up to greet the both of them. "Yeah, I noticed that too after being away for so long."

She maneuvered around her desk and gave them both a hug.

"It's good to see you again, Relena," Quatre said. "How's school so far?"

"Busy, busy," Relena said with a chuckle.

"She does it to herself," Matilda teased.

"Well, as long as you can handle it all," Quatre said.

"Hey, you finish my house, I'll have one less thing to worry about," Relena said.

"She likes to call it a house," Matilda commented, maintaining her teasing affectation.

"Is Heero coming tonight?" Quatre asked.

"I don't know." Relena sighed as she threw up her hands. "He said something about not wanting to disappoint me. You know what would be disappointing? If he didn't show up tonight."

"Well, are you ready?"

"Do I look ready?" Relena asked as she took a step back so that the two of them could appraise her appearance.

"Oh stop it, you look fantastic and you know it." Matilda said as she grabbed Relena by the arm and started to drag her out of her office.

"From her legendary missions in OZ, to being an instructor at the Lake Victoria Academy, to acting as the head of the Imperial Guard for our dear Vice Foreign Minister, to serving on the Peacemillion during the climactic final months of the war and fighting in the resistance against Dekim's coup, to Mars and back, our dear Lucrezia Noin has had quite the career," Director Une said with a loud booming voice as she held up her champagne glass. "So here's to you, safe travels, my friend."

The small little bar in downtown Brussels, filled with Preventers, government officials, and friends, erupted into applause as Director Une finished her toast. Noin was a popular personality in Brussels and was an acknowledged war hero. One of the few. Relena and Matilda joined in the adulation as they waited for the bartender to make their drinks. A crowd of well wishers had gathered around the guest of honour. Relena patiently waited for the crowd around Noin to disperse before approaching.

"You may not believe this but I'm going to miss you constantly looking over my shoulder," Relena said as she approached Noin.

Noin smiled at the girl as she reached out and embraced her in a hug.

"You know I still worry about you," Noin said.

"Don't, I'll be fine. I promise," Relena insisted.

"Don't have too much fun while I'm gone," Noin laughed.

"You know me, I'm too timid for anything like that."

"He's proud of you. I don't know if he's ever said it but he is," Noin said.

"Tell him, I'm sorry. I wish he could come back, I really do," Relena said as her voice trembled slightly.

"He understands," Noin said with a compassionate smile. "He knows what he did. He's okay being a dead man. Believe me, he'll be fine."

"As long as you are there to take care of him, I don't have to worry."

It was a cold night to be standing outside for an hour. Occasional gusts of wind would blow past him, causing his hair to obscure his vision. But Heero was used to the cold. He had done battle in the cold of the Antarctic. It was in those moments he felt the most alive. But not this night. And not this cold. He felt numb standing outside in his black leather jacket, hands tucked in his jean pockets, still as a statue, staring into the bar where the Preventers and other friends of Noin had gathered to say their goodbyes.

He hadn't decided if he wanted to go in yet.

Perhaps he was scared. He had bought into the notion that he had conquered fear long ago. If he wasn't afraid of a bullet, if he wasn't afraid of falling from impossible heights, if he wasn't afraid to die in battle then he must have conquered fear. Then what was this that he was feeling? What was this moment of indecision, what was this moment of uncertainty? Was this not fear? Had he been lied to by his mentors? No, he just couldn't live up to his creed. Act on his emotions. How could he act upon something he didn't understand anymore?

He watched her from the outside as she appeared and disappeared from his line of sight, effortlessly mingling with the crowd. She was the life of the party. Everyone wanted to talk to her, everyone wanted her attention. And she was generous with it. How could he dare approach her? What right did he have to a second of her time? How small he was. And she would see that the moment he stepped inside. She would see him as they saw him, as the world saw him. Insignificant and unworthy of her attention.

"You gonna go inside?"

Heero turned his head to find Noin, standing just outside the front door of the bar.

"I don't know yet," Heero answered plainly.

"She'd like to see you."

"She sees me everyday at school."

"That's not what she tells me," Noin said as she leaned back against the wall and folded her arms across her chest. "She tells me you avoid her, duck out of class early. You know, except for today. Now you're avoiding her here."

"I'm not avoiding her."

"What do you call this then?"

Heero didn't respond.

"She told me about what you said to her today. Don't let what happened to Zechs happen to you," Noin said. "Don't waste the life you've been given. You were the one who made it out of Libra. You were the one who saved the Earth. I think you forget that too often."

"You don't know what it's like."

"I don't know what it's like…" Noin said incredulously, "I've been fighting since I was ten years old. I know how difficult it is, Heero. But there's no other alternative. You either learn how to live in this world or you go on forever holding onto the past while the world moves on without you. She's still waiting for you, but she won't wait forever."

"I'm not asking her to wait."

"I know you think you're better off dead. That was the plan all along wasn't it? Let me tell you something you already know. Dying is easy. Living is hard."

"What am I supposed to live for? I've already completed my mission."

"Find something, anything. You're a free man now Heero. You're no longer bound by a mission. You get to choose what comes next."

"How is anyone supposed to choose?"

"First step to being human, you have to talk. Talk to someone, anyone…"

Heero lowered his head and stared at the ground.

"And when you're ready, come join us inside."

Noin turned around and headed for the door again. She opened it and a blast of hot air brushed against Heero's cheek.

"Goodbye, Heero."

"Goodbye, Noin."

It took all of his strength and all of his courage to walk up those steps, to open that door, and to step into the warmth of the inside. The warm glow of the lights welcomed him in. There was a stillness in there, something strange and unfamiliar. He took a few more steps in. He was already there, he had already made the decision, he might as well just go all the way. There was a girl who greeted him upon his entrance.

"Welcome to St. Andrew's, are you here for War Survivors Support Group?" she asked with a warm and inviting smile.

"Yes," Heero answered plainly, trying to mask his nervousness.

"First time?" She said as if she knew, as if she could see right through him.

"Yes," Heero answered again.

"Veteran?"

"Yes," Heero answered a third time.

"Yeah," she said knowingly yet compassionately. "I can see it in your eyes. Well, come on in. We are happy to have you."