A/N: I don't know if Susan Kay is a madame/MRS or a madmoiselle/MS, and I'm too lazy to look it up, so I totally guessed. And I do not own the Paramore song..just tweaked some lyrics.
It was midterms. Midterms my last year of college. With the biggest and most immaculate choir concert I've ever done in my life luming several weeks away: our Xmas concert, complete with decorations all over the room and dinner served to the audience while they watched the performances. Huge and chaotic and spectacular. Preparing on and off all semester, even some recording sessions on top of full-choir rehearsals sometimes (there were several hundred of us all together). It wasn't uncommon to take homework and fool yourself into thinking you could get some final exam studying done in between sets on performance nights, which almost always landed right before finals week (sometimes on top of finals week)! After a couple of years in a row of this, I say I get used to it and I learn that homework is impossible surrounded by my fellow nerdy choir peeps, but finals mean you take every opportunity to cramm, even when you know it's hopeless.
That was not now, though. I had a couple of weeks. But I still had so much crap to do! I was practically living in the library for the first time in my college career and praying when I wasn't doing hw. Thank God there was a café in the library, otherwise I might not eat! Research. Essay drafts. Online quizzes. In-classroom exams. Lecture notes. And more research and revision of essays.
Where's time to think and a fragment of a social life? Oh right: college ate it all!
I tried hard to spend time with Erik, but it became more and more difficult. Eventually, the only time I really spent with him was when I got into bed to sleep, and we'd just talk and cuddle a little. Around this midterm time, I got an unsettling email from the character-sitters:
Dear fan,
We take great care to monitor the relationship between character and fan. The relationship as well as the contract are strengthened as the bond between character and fan grows stronger. It has come to our attention that your character has been neglected for a period of 6 weeks or more. After receiving feedback from your character as well as their allies, and given your current situation, we believe it would be in the best interest of everyone involved if your contract was terminated. Once your situation can be considered supportive of such a relationship again, we encourage you to reapply.
Thank you,
The Character Sitting Team
I had finished the bigger chunks of homework in time for the weekend. But instead of trecking home from the library playing upbeat pop songs in my head, I walked home on auto pilot like every other week day. I got home to find Erik on my bed like usual.
Now that I thought about it, he had actually been acting a little sluggish lately, but hadn't said anything directly and when I brought it up, he'd tell me that he would take care of it and to "focus on your schooling."
"Erik?" My voice sounded like it didn't know I'd left the library. I methodically got my dog undressed and put all my electronics and crap down and ditched my boots and heavy jacket, and soon I was next to Erik on my bed. "I don't have to touch any studies till tomorrow, so the rest of the night is for you. And it's only 7. And I don't care when I wake up tomorrow, so we can stay up. I can stay up as long as you want."
Erik rolled over toward me. He pulled me closer to him and I felt him shivering. He felt weirdly thinner, like he was becoming even more like a skeleton. The apartment had the heat cranked up because outside was threatening to blizzard, and I was almost sweating after awhile, but Erik was freezing. Body heat warmed him a little, but I was still majorly worried.
"Erik, are you okay?"
"No…my darling…I know that your studies are important to you…Erik can feel himself growing weaker as Lauren can not think of him…no, it's not your fault, angel Lauren…it is simply your reality…Erik is not strong enough to stay here with you much longer…unless—"
I kissed him to shut him up. I needed to straighten this out. I needed to understand whatever was happening. "I think we need to talk to Nadir."
"Okay. But…just hold your Erik for a few minutes? Erik feels stronger even now…"
God, what was I doing to him? He said it wasn't my fault, but I still felt super guilty.
"Erik, what did you tell them?"
"I want to come back! I'll let you finish your studies, because they are important, and then I want to come back! I don't want to leave you, my dear."
"But will they let you?"
"You are the holder of the contract. You make that decision."
Oh, erik, Nadir, what did you do? Nadir gently told me about how he and Erik had discussed ways for Erik to come back stronger so that he could stay with me when life got crazy like it was doing right now. I felt numb, though. The academic workload had me thinking like a detached researcher, and the introvert was suffocating…but if I got through this and past graduation, I'd be free. I tried hard to focus on what my characters were telling me, but I couldn't get my heart into it.
Erik noticed. "Darling, all you have to do is what the people tell you to do."
"Can I just put you on hold?"
"No."
Why weren't they telling me their plan? Well, to avoid me getting in trouble, they said. I must act as though I have no knowledge of them plotting, so they did not tell me if they had a plan at all. They implied it, though.
"Who is the other ally?" I demanded suddenly. "The email said 'allies'."
"We—we don't know," Nadir said wearily. "It's someone from our world, but we don't know who it is. Whoever they are, they have influence in the phandom. But we are not giving up. Both Erik and I like it here too much. We will go back to our world and allow you to finish your schooling with no distractions, and then you can reapply."
I looked into reapplying. If I reapplied, it'd get an Erik with a clean slate; the character's experience is erased upon return to their world; no contact allowed between fan and character after separation; character can not enter world without fan's consent/reapplication.
The disbelieving numbness continued as the next weeks went by and Erik and Nadir prepared to return to their universe. They'd leave when I left for winter break, in an effort to make the departure easier on me.
I remember Erik's final words to me: "Remember, Eriks don't like to follow all the rules. I'll be back, my love." A kiss on my nose, and a hand brushing across the back of my neck. I was wearing my Phantom Mask necklace that I got when I went to see POTO live.
When I got home for the last time after graduation, I assumed I'd find it when I unpacked my stuff. I also wondered what rules Erik would not-quite-obey. For the first time, I was thankful I signed a contract with an Erik.
Erik would never forget his wonderful experience, from beginning to end…
Nadir had told him about his "story" in this other universe in an atempt to cheer him up one day. He had laughed bitterly at the pleasure (and profit!) caused by his suffering. He had asked Nadir humorlessly and sarcastically what more there was to this thing, and eventually after combing through the many adaptations…he had come across phans. Naturally, his thirst for knowledge led him to research everything from phan forums to phanfiction, and eventually he came to pity the phans, identify with some of them, and...he did not even know how, but he came to nurse a soft spot for them.
He started out sucking the life out of material by those who "shipped" himself with Christine, though later he repeled them, for they were like a lethal drug. He started out as well loathing those few who liked Raoul and even "shipped" the boy and his angel! And himself and Raoul? Were those serious? He was a bit bewildered at the attempts at pairing himself with Meg...not that they weren't convincing in their own way, but Erik just couldn't see it...or at least, this Erik couldn't see it.
That was the other thing: so many Eriks in so many little sub-universes of so many adaptations and phanfictions. As the Character-Sitting was revealed, Erik learned how each Phantom had a phan: some phans were in it for the romance, some were in it for the psychology, some for the Gothic, some for a particular actor or singer, etc, etc. There were an infinite number of fans, and each fan was a link to an Erik, so there were an infinite number of possible Eriks, really.
But this Erik belonged to Lauren, and was completely unashamed of the love he had for his phangirl. After his experiences with her in her world…he would not let her go without a fight! And Nadir would help. Nadir was Erik's only ally in this. He remained at Erik's side throughout the whole process, doing what he thought was best, and supporting Erik's pursuit of a phangirl in the end! Erik never would have thought this possible! But the only thing he was certain of with the Persian anyway was that the man was an anigma—a very beloved anigma.
After graduation, it's weird not having school anymore. All of my underclassmen friends from college went back there and I was stuck out in the real world trying to understand how to find a job…intimidating seems too weak a word to describe that. But the good news was that it was almost Halloween! Ish. Okay, it's basically the beginning of October, but in my family, Halloween is second-best to Xmas: decorations out the wazoo, trick-or-treaters, scary movies and music, and the one day of the year where you can be totally not you and or totally morbid and creepy and it's socially acceptable! I'd been jamming out to Halloween Party radio on Pandora while I got ready for the day. Tonight, I had church choir practice—yay!
I couldn't live without choir. I needed music in my life, and in high school, choir was the little bubble where everything was safe and peaceful and I just floated in music. I was a mermaid in an ocean of sound waves. And when we turned all the lights off and each sang to a little corner…I've never experienced music on such a personal and intimate level as I have in the dark. I stuck with choir academically and in church all throughout college, and now that I had no more school, church choir was my little bubble.
She's home from church, and now she sits in her dark bedroom reading. Erik watches his Lauren as she stops reading after the scene on the roof in M. Lerroux's novel; Apolo's lyre. She navigates away from her Phantom book and goes to brows YouTube instead.
Oh, how Erik wishes he could tell her! What must she be thinking right now? 'All that progress…' or maybe, 'I suppose Erik belongs in his universe and I in mine…'
Or, (Erik dares to hope!) 'who took him away from me?'
Perhaps you are wondering how Erik can still know of his phangirl and how he can watch her in her own universe? Well, dear reader, do you remember what Erik said in dear MME. Kay's novel about making things disappear? These were his exact words to his unfortunate mother: "I can make anything disappear if I want to—even a house!" Well, this wasn't a house, but it may as well have been just that big—it was an enormous task, you see: Erik hid something rather significant from the character-sitting inspectors.
He took her Phantom Mask necklace. That necklace helped him not to forget his phangirl. He plays the part when she reads a book or watches a movie, but he can deviate from cannon when she is not looking. And since she has many Phantom media and literature across all of her devices, her Erik is never far from her.
"The Dicky tail!" She has reached towards the back of her chair and plays with the fluffy cat's tail hanging there. When she goes back to her computer, Dicky taps her arm with his tail, as if teasing her and asking her to continue the attention.
Erik's own Ayesha has been clingy as well. Perhaps Erik can take her with him when he returns to his Lauren. He's returned to the house on the lake, thinking he'd let Christine and Raoul have their privacy on the roof…then Christine will come down to him the next night and tell him no…then Erik will let her run off with young M. Chagny. Or perhaps she will just run off after she sings…either way, Erik can be alone to plan his travels back to his phangirl.
Poor impressionable Christine had just gone along with Raoul and Victorian society the way she had been raised. Erik supposed he knew it was best for them to have each other all along, but could never admit it until he found a phangirl. Christine preferred dreams to the point of distorting reality; and when Raoul came along to shatter that illusion, in the end, he saved both Christine and Erik from what surely would have been absolute destruction. Raoul is the best for Christine…for her character shaped by their time and place. Christine is fragile and needs someone from the black-and-white fairytales that her poor father would tell her. Christine needs Raoul, the perfect man she was taught to want.
And Erik needs...Erik needs his Lauren! His 21st-century Lauren, who lives so differently, who lives in a world far less concerned with prejudice and status…in certain aspects, anyway. Even if Erik goes back to her and people there throw their shiny, sharp words at him, Lauren will help him be strong. Lauren doesn't want Erik to build her a fairytale (although Erik would happily do so); she just wants to give Erik a chance to have a friend.
So the least Erik can do is give her that same unconditional love as well. This is why he must return…somehow. He does not want her to be alone. He sees her praying about what unknown lies ahead of her; sees her retreat happily to her room after a draining day; sees her by herself at home while her family is at work, filling the house with her music, hoping she too will soon be working; sees her curl up tight at night when the sounds of the house settling distort and frighten her. She turns to music for comfort, for celebration, for peace, for support…for so many things.
Erik misses her so!
The following night, Erik waited for Christine in the dining room of the house on the lake. When she entered, with her key to the Rue Scribe side, he beckoned her with one fluid gesture to sit.
"You sang beautifully tonight, my dear," he told her sincerely. "A grand farewell performance."
"Erik, there is…something I must discuss with you." Christine seemed incredibly timid and anxious. Erik didn't expect much different, but instinct told him it was not her answer to his proposal or his exterior calm that was troubling her…she knew something that he had tried to hide. What was it now?
"What is it?" Erik asked, already fighting desperately to keep his composure. (Kay, Lerroux, which? They both made him distructive! But he could not shake their pull…he could not change the adaptation into a certain mini-series or a Y/C musical when it was clearly a book. His phangirl loved books, and so that's where he landed…)
But Christine said nothing.
So Erik pulled out the broken chain. "Here, child," he said. "I've kept this for you. I know you want to be with your young Viscount." He wasn't sure what else to say, so he reached across the table to place the chain with her crucifix and engagement ring in her little hand. But then Christine burst out with a terrible observation…one Erik thought he could keep secret…so foolish!
"Erik, you wear a chain around your own neck as well. You've worn it all along…and before I part from you, I must tell you that I know why you wear it."
Erik looked down at the silver chain around his own neck…a chain from which dangled a charm of fake glass diamonds…in the shape of a half mask.
If Christine had known the reason why he wears this…
"You were the other 'ally', weren't you?"
"I simply can not understand how you can so easily cater to her, Erik! Our world needs its title character—"
"Our world is stagnant. It can pause itself for an eternity if it so chooses." Erik turned away, to his Ayesha, to keep his calm. And by God, was it ever difficult at that moment!
"And I need my Angel of Music. Carlotta is running rampant, and I am nothing without you! Raoul can not give me the intoxication of music that you can. You alone can make me truly sore on that stage the way my father dreamed for me. I need you, Erik. We fit."
Talking took great effort. "I am truly sorry, Christine. I have moved on. You should do the same." Betrayal…betrayal never feels good, and now an Erik has been betrayed and hurt by a Christine.
"Erik, the music…"
"The music can come from anywhere, child. You have been singing the way I wanted for you…now comes a time when you get to shape your own song. When you do that, you will sore higher than you have ever sored." There. Erik can at least leave her with the means to further her career. How can you still care about someone after they have hurt you? No matter…he will be out of here soon, and back with his phangirl.
"But the dreams…"
"I cannot use dreams to distort your reality anymore, Christine. That illusion is unhealthy for the both of us. You belong with Raoul, who can give you what you have been raised to expect in a man, and I-I simply was not meant for your society, child. I am happy with my Lauren-happier than an Erik has ever been!"
"But Erik—she's a phangirl! Oh, how low you've sunk!"
Oh no. Pity. But also…jealousy? "Is that it? Do you feel threatened by phangirls, Christine?" Erik was amused now.
"She does not live a proper life. That is not her fault, I know, but she comes from such a scandalous time! The woman has no shame, Erik, and I'm truly, terribly sorry to see you resort to such means. And she's blind—disabled. Do you really believe yourself such a monster that you deserve only people who are also to be shamed and pitied?"
Christine had insulted Lauren without knowing her! Oh…Erik is seeing red now. "You naïve, shallow, selfish little girl! You have no idea the kindness…the acceptance…the guidance…the happiness Lauren has shown me! Erik protects and defends those he loves…if Christine is a threat to Lauren, so be it! Go now, Miss Daae. Run off to your brave suitor before Erik catches you! Run far away." Far away…and when everyone is far away, Erik and Nadir can find a loophole in that little contract.
She wanted him back there with her…he could feel it!
It's like I can almost feel the Erik that I know when I read my POTO books again…
I just got home from a job interview. Maybe I won't be sitting around doing nothing much longer. I turned on my POTO Original Motion Picture station on Pandora. I heard a violin play two-note chords: B major, F-sharp major first inversion, E major. (A/N sorry if those aren't possible doublestops.) And then a voice: The guy was a tenor, but had a deep resonant lower range—he could easily be a baritone. His voice was smooth and flowing like water, but strong and powerful and gentle in all the right places.
"When I was younger, I saw my mother cry and curse at the wind.
"She broke her own heart and I watched as she tried to reassemble it.
"And later in life, a girl saw my face and she prayed to forget.
"And that was the day that I promised: I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.
"Darling, you are the only exception. (X4)
"True that I felt somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts.
"So I would go find other ways to make it alone and keep a sane mind.
"And I've always lived like this, keeping uncomfortable distance.
"Because up until now, I've sworn to myself that I should take the loneliness, because monsters shouldn't have such love to give.
"But you are the only exception. (X4)
"And though I'm stuck in my reality, well, I won't
"Forget that you've shown me just who I could become.
"So I'll be there in the morning when you wake up.
"To be your neighbor and to try to win your love. Oh."
"You are the only exception. (X IDK how many times) And I'm on my way to believing."
"Current track artist name: Erik Carriere. Current track name: 'You Are the Only Exception, originally by Paramore." My phone is talking in an Irish accent today.
"Come on, Treble! Time to go to work," I said. It was Saturday. The weather was cooler, so we all decided to walk a couple blocks to get dinner at one of the restaurants in the little plaza. Treble gets a walk and everyone else gets to drink since nobody's driving. (Not me, cuz both members of a guide dog team have to be alert in order for the team to function properly. No matter…I had plenty of cute little travel-sized bottles of wine for later.)
Treble came running to her leash and harness when she saw that I had food rewards: little kibbals in a pouch on my right hip—I'd reward her when she reached a target along the route successfully like a curb or a door. We'd all just left the house and were walking towards the corner when I heard something happening by the empty house on that corner of our street. There were some words spoken in French, and then an indignant meow.
"Oh, a kitten!" my mom cooed.
"Moooom." My sister and I were just as excited about a kitty, but hey, it's great to take the opportunity to playfully scold your own mother.
We were level with the house now. "Hello," said a voice. "My name is Etienne, and this is my wife, Madeleine. She doesn't speak too much English yet."
"Hi!" We all greeted back.
My parents introduced themselves, and my sister and I said hi, and I mentioned my puppy—she sure was acting like a happy puppy now…there was a kitty and she just wanted to meet it! But she was in harness.
"I'm sorry," said a new voice. "My cat is actually supposed to be working, just like your dog." The garage door closed soon after, and the meows didn't continue. I guessed that pair of cat and human had headed back into the house…but that voice almost made me squeal. It sounded freakishly like the Erik in my head.
"That's Madeleine's son, Erik," Etienne said. "He has some anxiety issues, and the cat is trained to detect when he is distressed and calm him down."
Madeleine, Etienne, and…Erik
Ho…ly…crap.