CHAPTER ONE

"I don't think I'm comfortable with this." His gloved fingers placed the rolling pin onto the counter and snatched a napkin to blow his nose.

The four-paneled window sat ajar, welcoming the warmth of the early summer morning. The sun already sat high in the sky, raining its rays down upon the jurda fields. The crew had agreed to join Jesper's father at his farm for the weekend. It was Inej's birthday and, the man being quite fond of the Wraith, had wanted to give her a "proper" celebration. They'd mostly just been reclining in the living room watching Wylan and Jesper play chess.

Unfortunately, Nina couldn't make it. Her excuse was that there had been "too much snow in Fjerda" to travel. They all agreed that not living in a town with midsummer snow was a mercy. Having Nina here to celebrate would have made things a lot more lively. I guess you could call her "the life of the party."

Inej slid her slim, brown fingers between his own. It sent an electric bolt through his spine. The slightest of touches from her made him ache, but not in the way he typically felt when people touched him.

When Kaz was just a boy, his father died in a ploughing accident. Jordie was Kaz's older brother who was destined to take care of him, as an older brother should. He did his best; Kaz had come to believe. He was just barely a teenager when he died. Jordie had been swayed by a son-of-a-bitch mercher who went by Jakob Hertzoon, by whom the boys lost all their money and any chance at creating a fulfilling life of their own in Ketterdam. All the money Jordie had earned from selling their father's farm in Lij was gone. Hertzoon manipulated Jordie into investing the money into jurda and left the boys completely broke without a goodbye or an explanation.

Kaz's distaste for physical touch derived from the nightmare of the memory Jordie had left him with. Queen's Lady Plague ended a multitude of lives, including Jordie's. Kaz was placed onto a sick boat with his brother, watched him die, and attempted to swim them both back to the Ketterdam harbor. The feeling of Jordie's swollen dead body left Kaz traumatized by the feel of human skin. His gloves had been his fashion ever since.

There had been periods when he attempted to overcome his terror, but those had never lasted long. Sudden jolts of desire to be normal send Kaz into a frenzy to fix himself, but each time he recognizes that the triggers he was left with are ghosts that will never die.

Around Inej though, he felt ways he had never felt before. Ways he had never let himself feel. With her, he would sometimes take off his gloves and she permitted him to touch her face, her collarbone, her thigh. Inej has wounds of her own she has tried to heal. At least from what it seems like, they were more correctable than his.

"Think of it as a gift," her deep brown Suli eyes drowned in mischief, "from you to me. It is my birthday weekend."

"How come you get a full weekend dedicated to your birth? That just doesn't seem virtuous."

"Don't even start trying to make me feel guilty for celebrating myself. I would hope just the same for you on surviving another year of life."

"I'm well aware of the fact that we view life in different lights." Kaz raised his eyebrows and slipped his hand from hers.

Inej cocked her head to the side, exposing her collarbone. Kaz muttered a curse and looked out the window. He did not deserve something so beautiful.

"You are distracting me," she flicked her braid over her shoulder to trail along her spine. She wore pocketed black pants with a casual white t-shirt tucked in. The roller Kaz had deposited onto the counter was now in her hands, rolling out a large chunk of dough. Nina would have been the perfect partner for this. He could imagine the two of them giggling away into oblivion as they baked and nibbled on dough before even baking the goodies. Baking was not his strong suit.

As was this whole flirting thing. He stepped up behind her and placed a hand on the curve of her torso, right above her hip. She flinched and turned to look at him. Once again, Kaz quickly removed his hand and checked the time on his watch.

"It seems there's business I must attend to."

"Kaz," the glow in those brown eyes dimmed.

"I'll be back to taste your cakes and cookies."

He turned away before he could internalize the look on her face. Inej was the one person he would trust with his life. She was the strongest woman he had ever met. There was also that undeniable lust for her within his soul. Every fiber within his being wanted her to be his, but Inej had been claimed and owned by so many devious men and women. Kaz made a promise that he would not let that happen again.

Doubt within him believed she could not have lust for him. For as much as she had been sold and bedded in Tante Heleen's Menagerie, he couldn't imagine her ever wanting to fill somebody else's bed again. It struck him then how ridiculous he was thinking. Imagine bearing kids with the title "Dirtyhands." Not to mention an assassin as a mother…

Snap out of it. He shook his head.

There was no business, Kaz had made that up to get away, but if a walk could be considered business… the jurda fields were in full bloom with the summer heat radiating its orange petals. Life in Novyi Zem was not something he could deal with long-term. Being here the past two days was relaxing, but he needed to get back to the Slat. If anything had gone down there while he was away, he would not be generous enough to take the crew on any further field trips. Then again, they lived their own lives. They could travel without him, but he honestly would not enjoy being left out.

It wasn't every day they got to hang around so casually with one another. He decided he might as well enjoy it for the next twenty-four hours. Kaz turned the heel of his boot to walk back to the house when he saw a scrap of paper peeking out from the wheel of a wheelbarrow to his left. He snatched it up and read the print on the front: Prince Lion Headquarters. His heartbeat stammered. There's no way.

Trembling, his fingers tore the envelope and read the interior message. How the hell does Rollins always know where we are? Unless he didn't. Kaz made a mental note to inquire Mr. Fahey regarding his business proposals later tonight. Nothing would ruin Inej's birthday.

He tracked his way back inside, careful to kick off his boots before heading into the house. As much as he loved working on his farm, Mr. Fahey hated dirt inside his home.

The smell of sugary butter filled the doorway. The side of Kaz's mouth tugged up at the thought of Inej in the other room. He had to pull himself together. How does one make a girl feel special without being presumptuous?

He made his way to the doorway to the kitchen. Wylan was at the middle island placing the top tier onto a three-layer chocolate cake while Inej mixed buttercream frosting. Jesper was near the stove to the far left of the room placing sugar cookies onto a flat piece of parchment to cool.

"Kaz, we need you." Wylan's red-gold curls bounced as he peered over the cake.

"Looks like you would have been just fine if I had not made an appearance," he mentally spanked himself for being so damn difficult.

Saints above, damn this girl. Inej turned to expose that neck of hers, "Your business go okay?" "You're still tending to business on holiday?" Jesper spun in a quick circle, "What business did you find out here?"

Not wanting to expose his fib, Kaz quickly pulled the Prince Lion letter from his coat pocket then tucked it right back.

"Keeping secrets?" Wylan raised an eyebrow.

"No," Kaz pondered, "You'll know when I want you to know." That's how it has always been with this crew, and the lot trusted him enough to go along with it.

"We still need you," Wylan shrugged as he went back to modeling the cake.

Kaz sighed, removed his jacket and fully entered the small kitchen.

"What do you need," He shrugged.

Inej handed him the bowl of buttermilk frosting, "Take this spatula and add a fine layer to the entire cake." She pointed to where Wylan was seated on his stool.

"Why couldn't he do it?"

"Wylan has already done his part. As has Jesper."

"So now this is about taking turns?"

"Yes."

She looked straight into his eyes with such sternness.

Kaz shrugged again and added layer after layer of chocolate buttercream onto the cake.

Wylan and Jesper went back into the living room for another round of chess, leaving Inej and Kaz alone once again. It wasn't until then that he started feeling self-conscious about his work. Nothing made him self-conscious… except making Inej's birthday cake.

"What's wrong?" She leaned onto the counter beside him.

"I don't remember mentioning there was a problem?" his eyes stayed glued to where his bare hands worked on the cake.

"I always know when something is bothering you," she cocked her head AGAIN.

Kaz set the bowl of frosting onto the counter, "Can you stop doing that?" he raised his voice just a tad.

Her eyebrows scrunched together, "Doing what?"

"Acting like you're worried about me."

"I asked you what was wrong," she put her hands up in a surrendering motion.

"Which is worrying about me," he sighed and started working on the third layer of frosting.

Inej was quiet for a while after that. She just watched Kaz with those dark eyes of hers.

"Your gloves are off," she noticed.

"I didn't want to get them dirty."

"Why do you hesitate when you're around me?"

Shit.

He turned around in his seat. "Hesitate?"

She just nodded.

"Kaz Brekker never hesitates." Kaz turned back around to his work.

That was when her hand grazed his spine. Kaz trembled slightly. What is Inej doing…?

He held as still as he could as her delicate hand cupped his chin, turning his head to face her.

He saw the bare skin of her collar, the lips he dreamt of kissing, the eyes he had grown so fond of. She lowered her hand and just watched. The overwhelming rush of emotions clouding his mind was a wind of smoke and ash attempting to suffocate him to his death. Last year when she had been injured in the silos, Kaz had offered to help her change her bandages. He had let his lips brush the soft skin of her shoulder. She had wanted him to do more. Kaz had wanted to too, but his fear had taken over.

The side of her mouth curled into a smirk. Inej deserved to get what she wanted. She deserved to love, to be loved, and to feel the impact of that love in a tangible way. He could not give that to her. He wanted so badly to kiss her. He wanted to take her to his bed. He wanted to love her forever. He couldn't do any of those things. Kaz would not allow himself to do those things.

Her smirk faded when she saw the lust fading from his eyes. Something like pain crossed her features but it vanished quickly. "The cake looks good."

Kaz stepped aside to let her do what she needed to do.

Inej didn't look at Kaz as she took the platter and walked into the living room where Jesper and Wylan were sprawled on the floor.

"The cake is done!" He heard her say. The joy in her voice was a mask. He knew he had struck a chord in her. Kaz didn't have to worry about the letter from Pekka Rollins ruining her day, he'd already done it himself.