A House IS a Home
[Cheers. Morning]
(The bar is rather empty, most of the customers are senior citizens sipping coffee while chatting and the rest are college students skipping classes despite the end of the semester approaching. Woody is alone at the bar wiping glasses when Carla enters)
Carla: Sorry I'm late, my Ludlow caught a stomach bug at school and I had to take care of him.
Woody: Don't worry. Is he better now?
Carla: No. He looked like a fountain! I left him with a neighbor, a nurse who had the day off today. Where's Sam?
Woody: He called early to say he was coming in this afternoon because something came up.
Carla: (Angry) NOOOOOO! I'm sure they're back together!
Woody: No, Sam's not back yet. Didn't you hear what I said? He's coming in the afternoon.
Carla: (Angry) I mean Sam and Diane! He drove her home last night! I'm sure they spent the night together!
Woody: Well, that doesn't surprise anyone, furniture doesn't assemble that fast.
Carla: (Angry) I mean I'm sure they slept together! I'm talking about sex, Woody!
Woody: Aaah! Nah, I don't think so. Miss Chambers said she didn't even have a bed.
Carla: (Ironically) No way! (Angry) Woody, did Diane say what was her new number?
Woody: I don't think so. I don't even remember her telling us where she lived.
Carla: (Angry) Great, then we'll have to wait till the afternoon.
Woody: I wouldn't worry too much. Even if they had slept together, I don't think Miss Chambers would miss her first day of work to stay at home with Sam. She's not that kind of person.
Carla: That's true. I guess I can do my job more relaxed now (smiles). Thanks Woody.
Woody: (Confused) You're welcome...
Making your way in the world today
takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries
sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
You wanna go where people know
people are all the same.
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
[Cheers. Afternoon]
(When Sam enters Cheers, Carla looks at him threateningly)
Carla: Where did you sleep last night?
Sam: (Puzzled) At my place. Why are you asking me that?
Woody: Carla thinks you slept with Miss Chambers last night.
(Carla looks at him angrily and Sam is surprised at the assumption)
Sam: Nothing like that happened! I just helped Diane set up the bed and a bookshelf. Then we had dinner together and I went home. (Seeing Carla's angry and outraged face) And before you say anything, Carla, no, it wasn't a romantic dinner. I told Diane that either she would pay me back for the favor with food or I'd take it out of her salary, so she let me heat up what she had in the fridge.
Carla: (Annoyed) I hope you're not talking about her heart.
Sam: (Laughs) No. It was chicken breast with some sauce. I think it had a French name. Also vegetables and mashed potatoes. It tasted good.
Carla: Then what's been keeping you so busy all morning, Sam?
Sam: I've been painting. Now that Norm is working as an accountant, I can't ask him to do it, it would be too much for him. Diane and I have a deal, I help her with the house and she cook me some dinner.
Woody: Fair enough.
(As Sam goes to pour himself a glass of water, Norm walks in)
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
All: Nooorm!
Woody: How was your day, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Boring as usual. But nothing a beer can't fix.
(...)
Sam: (Leaving the bar) If you'll excuse me, I have to go out to make a phone call.
Cliff: (Mockingly) Can't you stand a couple of hours without talking to your little princess?
(Norm laughs, Woody smiles and Carla makes a gesture of sticking her fingers down her throat to vomit)
Sam: I'm not going to call Diane. I went to take a shower this morning and that place looked like a volcano. I tried changing the faucet but it didn't work. I think there's a problem with the pipes, I'm gonna call someone to fix it. (Leaves the bar)
(...)
[Seattle. KACL. Noon]
Roz: The next caller is Ted, on line 4. He's calling from Boston and he needs help with his love life.
Frasier: (Picks up the call) Tell me, Ted, what's your problem? I'm listening.
[On the phone] Sam: Pfff... I don't even know where to begin...
(Frasier, realizing it is Sam, opens his eyes wide in surprise. Roz looks at him in surprise and confusion)
[On the phone] Sam: Well, I've always been a ladies' man. (Remembering Diane's words) A Don Juan. A long time ago, I dated a girl and the break up was awful. Then she had another serious relationship that lasted a year and she got engaged to this guy, but they didn't get married in the end.
(Frasier, remembering Diane, gets a little tense, but then realizes, startles and starts thinking, not understanding why Sam is talking about her now)
[On the phone] Sam: A year after that we tried again and got engaged, but in the end we didn't tie the knot 'cause she was offered the job she had been dreaming about all her life and, since it was in another city, we ended up splitting up. Three years ago we tried again, but it didn't work out because we were in different cities and we were looking for different things. Now she came back to Boston because she was offered a job here. The thing is... Although she drove me nuts quite often, she's the only woman I've ever loved. With the rest I've just felt physical attraction and I've liked some of them, but when we talk about being in love, this one is the first one.
(Frasier is surprised)
[On the phone] Sam: What I wanted to ask you, Dr. Crane, is... (Serious and a bit worried) What can I do to make the relationship work this time?
Frasier: (Is surprised to hear that question) Before I answer I have to ask you a few questions, S... Ted. Are you sure you want to give it another try?
[On the phone] Sam: Absolutely. Maybe I didn't express myself well before or didn't make it clear, but I'm still in love with that woman and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
(Frasier, hearing Sam say this, is quite surprised)
Frasier: Does she feel the same way?
[On the phone] Sam: Yes.
Frasier: And you're both ready to commit? There's not going to be any more last-minute runaways?
[On the phone] Sam: We're ready. Actually we both were last time, the only problem was the distance between us.
Frasier: In that case, my advice to you is reevaluate your life, (makes a small pause) Ted. Especially your love life. Remember your past arguments and think about what you need to do different so it doesn't happen again, and especially think about the first time you two broke up. As a psychiatrist, I can give you a couple of tips for dealing with arguments in a healthier way. First of all, be respectful, don't do things that you know are going to hurt the other person. Second tip, be honest, lies never lead to anything good in a relationship. Third, talk things over calmly instead of yelling at each other. If you see you're very upset, give each other time to calm down and then talk about it. And fourth and last piece of advice, never, no matter how angry you are, lose respect for the other person. And if you hurt her or make a mistake, put your pride aside and apologize.
[On the phone] Sam: Thank you, Doc, those are great tips. I'll certainly put them into practice.
Frasier: I'm glad to hear that.
[On the phone] Sam: Wait, before I hang up, I'd like to ask you one last question. Do you think a relationship where the two people are very different and have little or nothing in common is destined to fail?
Frasier: (Is surprised at the question and stops for a second to think) No. As long as there is love, a connection and chemistry, it can work. My father and mother were like that, and they were very happy together. They had their bad times, as all marriages do, but they were happy. A good piece of advice I can give you from what I learned watching them and from what I see in (makes a small pause) a friend who is in a very similar situation is... respect what each person likes, don't try to force the other person and look for a mid-point. For example, if she likes classical music and you like rock, play classical music while you cook and rock while you clean the house. But be careful not to get too carried away and break something (laughs). And look for pieces or songs that you both more or less like. If you like sports and she likes books, go play sports together one afternoon and read a book together when you get home, before going to bed. Just choose things that are attractive to your partner. Being different doesn't have to be bad, you can discover wonderful things and even learn to enjoy each other's tastes, and trying new things for both of you can help you find things in common. Anything will do, from cooking together to going to a ball. My brother went to one a couple of months ago and he enjoyed the hell out of it (laughs).
[On the phone] Sam: You're right, I'll try what you say and see how it goes. Any other piece of advice, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Yes. Whatever happens, don't let her go (smiles). You've been apart for a long time. If something bad happens, stay closer than ever; and if there's something that threatens the relationship, find a way to eliminate it or fix it so it can work.
[On the phone] Sam: (Smiles) I will do that. Thank you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: My pleasure (smiles). If you have any other problem, you know what my number is (smiles and hangs up). Well, that was a pretty long call, I think it's a good time for us to go to commercial. (Clicks the button, stands up as he takes off the headphones and enters Roz's booth)
Roz: Ted's voice sounds very familiar to me. Is he a friend of yours? It looks like you were surprised when I passed on the call.
Frasier: Yes, but his name isn't Ted, it's Sam, Sam Malone.
Roz: (Surprised) Sam Malone? The tall, handsome ex-baseball player who came to Seattle last year?
Frasier: That's him.
Roz: At least he seems to have matured and learned to treat women better.
Frasier: Yes. And you want to know the funniest part? The woman he was talking about was Diane.
Roz: (Surprised) "Diane"? Diane Chambers? The one who left you at the altar?
Frasier: The same one. Though, you know what? I'm happy for them. It's weird but nice to see Sam finally settle down. And I'm happy for Diane. After all she's been through, she deserves a loving partner, and it looks like Sam is determined to make a bigger effort this time.
Roz: One minute.
Frasier: Just one more question. Did Sam call from 617-227-9605?
Roz: (Looks) No, he was calling from a pay phone.
Frasier: Good. I was afraid Carla might overhear the conversation (laughs).
Roz: (Confused) Who?
Frasier: (Laughs as he gestures with his hand) I'll tell you later. (He puts on his headphones and sits back in his chair) We're back.
(...)
[Diane Chambers' house]
(In the evening, Diane arrives home carrying a lot of bags and, seeing the door, she is surprised and smiles)
Diane: I can't believe it... He has changed the doorbell and doorknob and painted the door... Sam... (Smiles, enters and coughs while fanning herself with her hand) It reeks of paint. I hope it's gone by night time. (Closes the door and is surprised) He has also painted the interior doors! How did he have time for all that? (Looks at the clock and is startled) It's already this late?! (Puts the perishable things in the fridge and freezer and rushes off to work)
(...)
[Cheers]
Diane: (Entering) Sorry I'm late!
Carla: (Resigned and annoyed) Don't worry, we're not surprised.
Sam: (While wiping a glass) Carla... This time she told me in advance... And it was because she had things to do, not to have fun elsewhere.
Carla: (Resigned) Right. (Seeing signs of strength in Diane's wrists) What are those marks? (Looks at Sam, angry) Please tell me they're not your doing.
Sam: (Looks at her from behind the bar) No, she hasn't had time to make me that mad yet.
Diane: (Looks at him as if to say "Very funny") She meant something sexual. If it were what you say, she wouldn't have said it angry.
(Carla smiles when she sees that someone understands what she is saying)
Woody: (Surprised and a bit worried) Has anyone tried to do something bad to you on your first day on the job, Miss Chambers?
Diane: (Smiles as she sees that Woody keeps genuinely caring about her now like he did years ago) No. I walked home from the grocery store. (Happy) The first day at work was wonderful.
Carla: (Annoyed and fed up) Oh, no, here she goes again.
Diane: (Looks at her as if to say "You're always the same") Don't worry, I won't say anything, I've wasted enough time being late. (Happy) But before I start working... I have to tell you something.
Carla: (Falling to her knees, as if she were defeated) NOOOOOO! I knew it! I knew this was going to happen!
Woody: (Confused) Happen what?
Diane: (Smiles) Sam and I are together again.
Woody: (Happy) That's great!
(Angrily, Carla grabs Woody by the collar of his shirt)
Carla: "Great"? "Great"? What would've been great is that she would've stayed in L.A.! Now I'll have to hear her voice echo even when she's not around and see Sam angry and depressed because of her!
Diane: (Signaling Carla to let go of Woody) Calm down... If you're worried that I'm going to hurt Sam, that's not going to happen again.
Carla: (Angry) No. What I'm worried is that he's gonna marry you.
Diane: Why?
Carla: (Angry) Cause you're a pain in the ass.
Diane: According to you, what makes me a pain in the ass?
Carla: (Angry) I could make a list. But as I have to work, I'll just say the highlights. You're don't know how to shut up, you don't know how to summarize or get straight to the point, your hobbies are boring, you're a traitor and manipulative and you aren't a good match for Sam at all.
Woody: I think just the opposite.
Carla: (Annoyed) Shut up, Woody.
Woody: No, in this country there's supposed to be freedom of speech, so I'm going to say what I think. Sam and Miss Chambers have a lot of chemistry and except for when they fight, which is almost every day because they are opposites in character, you can tell they enjoy being together, and they are happy together. I give you guys my approval and my congratulations.
Diane: (Smiles) Thank you, Woody. And, Carla... It's true that I talk a lot sometimes, but it's just the way I am. If you see that I get too carried away, give me a warning or just ignore me. It's true, up to a point, that I don't know how to summarize. Well, I would rather say that my summaries are too long for most people, but we can always ask Sam to summarize my summary (laughs). About my hobbies, don't worry, I won't force anyone to come with me somewhere they don't want to. I can invite workmates or former classmates. And about me being a traitor and manipulative... That's not true. Well, not in most cases. The whole thing about declining his proposals and torturing him for it is in the past. I think we both learned our lesson after that. Now... I can be persuasive about the curtains I want for the house, or where I want to go on vacation, but I'm not going to try to change Sam, let alone betray him.
Carla: You better.
Diane: You can trust my word. Besides, I'm aware that being here writing down ideas I'm not going to work as much as I should, so I'll try not to talk too much so I don't distract you from doing your job.
Carla: Thank you.
Norm: (To Sam, jokingly and with a grin) So Diane again... Who would have thought it.
Cliff: Actually, according to a study by the University of California...
(Carla, fed up, shoves a rag in Cliff's mouth)
Carla: (Angrily) Just listening to Diane is enough suffering, shut up already!
Diane: (Looks at Sam a little worried) I see that things haven't changed much around here... (Upon realizing something, Diane lets out a small gasp that startles the people at Cheers)
Sam: What's the matter?
Diane: (Moved and overcome with tenderness) Sam...! Our initials... They survived the fire at the bar. Isn't it romantic? It proves that no matter what happens, our love will never die. That it's able to-
Carla: Will you stop fooling around and start working already?
(Seeing that Carla is always interrupting her happy moments, she looks at her resigned and picks up her apron)
(...)
[Paint store. Days later]
Diane: I'm between cream and vanilla. Which one do you think looks better, Sam?
Sam: (Fed up and tired) How should I know? They look the same to me! But it's been more than 15 minutes, make up your mind already! It's not that hard!
Diane: It's more difficult than it seems, because one thing is the color we see on the can and another thing how it looks with the lighting of our house.
Sam: (Fed up and annoyed, he sighs resignedly) Let's do one thing. Take a can of each, we'll try one on each wall, and if you don't like it, tomorrow I'll apply another coat of white paint.
Diane: I think I'll go with vanilla. Now let's choose the color for the baseboards and moldings.
(Fed up, Sam sighs in exhaustion)
(...)
[Sam and Diane's house. Afternoon]
(Dressed in old clothes, Sam and Diane paint the exterior of the house)
Diane: (Smiles) This reminds me of the Tom Sawyer fence scene.
Sam: Ah, the kid of the cartoon! (Laughs and startles when he realizes what he just said) Some weekends I babysit Carla's kids.
(Diane takes her eyes off the house for a moment and looks at him with a smirk, perfectly aware that he knows the show not only because of Carla's kids)
Sam: Wait, you're not saying you plan to bring Norm and Cliff over to paint and then go get a nice meal or read a book, are you?
Diane: No (laughs). I want us to do it all together. (She stands on her tiptoes, kisses him and looks at him lovingly) That way I can spend more time with you. I need to make up for lost time.
(...)
[The next day. Afternoon]
(Sam is mopping the floor when Diane enters. Their clothes are smeared with paint and they have some paint on their arms and faces)
Diane: (Entering the living room) Sam, how are you doing with the-? (As the floor is freshly waxed, Diane slips as she lets out a little shriek and falls on her butt) Ow...
Sam: (Laughs) Too bad Carla didn't see that!
(Diane sits up and looks at him upset)
Sam: I'm sorry (laughs). Did you hurt yourself? (Holds out his hand)
(Diane looks at him a smirk and pulls him hard so he falls too. When he falls, she laughs)
Diane: Touché. (Sits up and looks at him with a smile)
Sam: You know what's the best way to take advantage of this? By doing the penguin!
(Sam lies on his stomach, pushes himself up with his hands and slides down imitating the sound of a penguin. Hearing this, Diane laughs, Sam slides back to her, reaches up to kiss her while pointing to his lips, and she bends down to kiss him while laughing)
(...)
(At night, Sam and Diane stand cuddling in the living room as they look around the house, freshly painted, with the floors waxed and all the furniture in place although empty. Both of them are wearing chore clothes and non-skid socks)
Diane: (Sighs happily with a smile of satisfaction) Finally... Now we can enjoy our house...
Sam: I was looking forward to hear those words.
(Sam takes Diane in his arms and she startles and lets out a yelp, but Sam quickly quiets her with a kiss and they both go to the bedroom)
(...)
(A while later, Sam and Diane are in bed covered with the blanket. He is lying with his hands behind his head and smiling and she is sitting up and clutching the blanket to cover herself)
Sam: (Happy and content) Oh, boy, I've missed this!
Diane: (Happy) So have I... Hey, Sam... I just remembered... What do you say about setting up your workshop in the basement? If you work behind closed doors you can have your painting there.
Sam: (Getting turned on) Oh, Diane, I love you. (Starts kissing her again)
(...)
[Weeks later. Sam and Diane's house. Afternoon]
(Someone knocks on the door. Diane opens and smiles when she sees Norm with a six-pack, Carla with a tray of sandwiches, Cliff with a fruit basket and Woody with a painting)
Diane: (Happy and smiling) Come on in everyone. And thank you for the gifts!
Woody: Mine is not a gift.
Norm: Neither is mine. (Sits down, pulls out a beer, opens it and drinks)
Woody: Sam, where's your dog picture? I brought mine because I thought they would enjoy the company.
(Hearing Woody's idea, Carla and Cliff look at him like saying "What an idiot" and Norm, Sam and Diane smile, surprised at the idea)
Sam: It's outside in the shed. Come with me, I'll show you. (He goes out with Woody)
Norm: Your house looks really nice. Cliffie, look at those shiny floors.
(In the garden, Sam and Woody can be heard laughing loudly. Norm, Cliff and Carla turn and look towards the door, somewhat puzzled. Diane rolls her eyes in resignation)
Diane: And look how intelligence shines by its absence.
(In the garden, Sam and Woody laugh again)
Cliff: You know what most people consider the most important thing when they move into a new house?
Carla: Not inviting you? (Laughs)
(Norm smiles, holding in his laughter)
Cliff: No. The location, the neighbors and, especially, a solid structure, able to withstand climatic phenomena. Have I ever told you that in Florida-?
(Carla, fed up with Cliff's bullshit, shoves a sandwich in his mouth)
Carla: Eat a sandwich and shut up for a while, will ya?
(Cliff, upon tasting the sandwich, pulls the other half out of his mouth and makes a "Hey, it tastes good" face. Then Sam and Woody enter the house, still laughing a bit)
Sam: Did we miss anything?
Carla: Nothing worth hearing.
Sam: Come on, I'll show you the basement.
(Carla, Norm –still beer in hand– and Cliff stand up and they all follow Sam)
Carla: Is that where you plan to lock Diane up when she doesn't shut up?
(Diane glares at Carla and Norm smirks as if saying "They don't change". When Sam leads them to the basement, everyone is surprised at the sight of it. In one corner there is a small bar with three stools and, next to it, a game table like the one in Cheers and a board with darts; a little further towards the back there is a small table with armchairs, a TV and three bookshelves, two of them full of books. Behind a door are three shelves, one full of toys and stuffed animals, one full of board games, and one full of children's books. While the first half of the basement is decorated in shades of brown, the second half is painted in bright, cheerful colors and the floor is carpet instead of parquet)
Norm: If you ever lose Cheers, I'm gonna come live at your place, Sammy.
(Sam laughs)
Carla: What's the kids' part for? Are you expecting a child already?
Diane: No, but we'll start trying right after the wedding.
Cliff: What will you do if you're infertile like Normie?
Norm: Hey, I never said I was infertile!
Carla: Right, your sperm is probably just as lazy as you, or it gets lost because of all that beer.
Diane: We both want children, so if either of us had fertility problems, we would adopt.
Carla: I have some to spare if you want. I give them for free.
Diane: (Smiles) That's what you say, but you love them and you wouldn't be happy if you didn't have them around.
Carla: I don't know if I would be happy, but I would live peacefully (laughs).
Diane: I doubt it, that time with your ex-husband...
Carla: (Annoyed) That's 'cause Nick's a jackass! Sam's very good with children, Frasier's son loved him. And you may be a pain in the ass, but you're smarter than Loretta and I'm sure you'd be a better mother than Nick father.
Diane: Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment.
Carla: It's a compliment. This time the insult was for my ex-husband.
Woody: It's amazing how well you two have put this together.
Sam: Yeah (laughs). That way when I retire in a long time or when the bar has to close due to bad weather, I can have fun down here. We can also come here to watch movies if you want. (To Cliff and Diane) But no trivia. And when Diane gets on my nerves, I can tell her to go upstairs to read, put a picture of her on the board and play darts.
Diane: And when Sam gets on my nerves, I'll throw him out of here with the pool stick, put his picture on the board, throw darts until I calm down, and then I'll sit on the couch to read a good book.
Carla: Sounds like a good plan to me.
Woody: If I ever come over with Oakley, can I let him play here?
Sam: As long as it's in the kids' area (laughs).
Woody: Of course.
Carla: Maybe I'll bring my kids one day too. Although I wouldn't leave them without supervision if I were you.
Cliff: I have a question, what are the huts at the entrance?
Sam: The wooden one is my workshop. My dad had one when I was a kid and I liked it. I'll probably do furniture or crafts for the house.
Carla: Do you take commissions?
Sam: Sure.
Carla: Good, then I'd like to order a coffin for Diane.
(Diane glares at her, annoyed and angry)
Diane: And I would like to order a muzzle for Carla, to see if that way she stop making stupid comments about me, especially when I haven't said or done anything to upset her.
Sam: Hey, calm down, both of you. And, Carla, I'm sorry, but this time I'm with Diane. What has the poor thing done to you to get you to tease her so much? She's been a lot quieter at work lately, she has barely messed up on drink orders, she has used far fewer French or difficult words than she used to and she hasn't skipped a single night of work.
Carla: (Resigned) Okay, okay... I'm sorry, I guess it's just the habit.
Cliff: What's the other shed for?
Sam: It's the storage room. That's where we keep our skis, fishing stuff, documents Diane insists on keeping, and memories of when we were kids.
(Hearing the last part, Carla smiles, apparently happy, but her eyes denote mischief or malice)
Carla: Are you telling us... that in those boxes... there are memories of little Sam and Diane...?
Sam: Yes, that's right.
Carla: (Running out) Last one takes double turn!
Diane: (Running after Carla) Hey, don't you dare hurt me by destroying a beautiful part of my past!
Carla: (Running) I'm not gonna destroy it, you idiot! I just want to see what you looked like as kids and see what kind of nonsense you liked to do!
Diane: (Stops, incredulous and surprised) Just that?
Carla: (In front of the storage room) What did you think?
Diane: That you were going to break them.
Carla: Look, I'm cruel, but I'm not a monster. I have eight kids, I know well how important memories are. And I know I'm always bothering you, but I just want to have a good laugh looking at those pictures. Can I?
Diane: (Resigned) All right...
(...)
(Carla, Woody and Norm are sitting on the couch, Sam and Diane are sitting on the arms of the couch and Cliff is behind the couch watching. Seeing a picture, Carla, Sam and Woody start to laugh out loud and Norm and Cliff chuckle)
Carla: Toothless Diane! (Laughs) It makes me want to order a copy and have it in my purse for whenever I need a good laugh.
Diane: For that you already have your ex-husband's picture.
Carla: Yes, but not without teeth. (Laughs again)
(Picking up another picture, Diane starts laughing so hard that she ends up sitting on the floor instead of on the couch)
Carla: What's it? What's it? (She takes it out of her hand and starts laughing until she is half lying on the couch)
Sam: Give me that! (He takes the picture from her and starts laughing too. When Norm, Cliff and Woody see it, they laugh too)
Diane: (Catching her breath) Oh. We should have done this before.
Carla: You weren't in Boston before.
Diane: I meant before I left. Coach would have had a good laugh looking at these (smiles).
(Hearing Diane's comment, Carla, Sam and Norm smile tenderly and Woody and Cliff smile too, remembering him)
Carla: If he's watching this from up there, I bet he's cracking up right now too.
Sam: Yeah (smiles tenderly).