Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue
[Sam and Diane's house. Evening]
(Sam opens the door with the key and everyone enters)
Diane: Well, who's going to be the first to take a shower?
Norm: (Going to the bathroom) I'll be fine with the toilet.
(Sam laughs)
Kelly: Do you mind if I go first? My hair gets really dry from the sea salt. And I don't want Oakley to go to bed too late.
Diane: (With a smile, she gives way with her hand) Sure, moms first. I'm going to start cooking dinner. Carla, would you give me a hand?
Carla: (Leaning back on the couch) Hey, I'm the guest.
Woody: Don't worry, Miss Chambers, I'll help you.
Carla: (To Woody) Thank you.
Diane: I'm lucky I have you, Woody (smiles). But from tomorrow you'll have to change the way you call me.
Woody: Of course, Miss Chambers. I'll use the phone. If I spoke to you when you were so far away, you wouldn't hear me.
(Sam and Diane laugh and Carla smiles at Woody's obtuseness)
Diane: No, Woody. I meant that tomorrow I'll become Mrs. Malone. I won't be Miss Chambers anymore.
Woody: That's true... Wouldn't it be kind of weird if I called you by Sam's last name and Sam just "Sam"? (Concerned) 'Cause I don't want you to think I love him more than I love you. I love you both the same.
Diane: (Laughs) I know. (Smiles while shrugging her shoulders) You could call me Diane.
Woody: (Smiles) That sounds better. Do you mind if I start practicing now even though you're not married yet?
Diane: (Laughs) Of course not. (She puts a hand on his back and directs him toward the kitchen) But let's talk while we cook. Otherwise your little cherub will fall asleep before he gets a bite to eat.
Norm: (Coming out of the bathroom) Hey, Sammy, will you come over to Cheers II and pour me and Cliffie some beers while dinner's done?
(Annoyed, Diane comes out of the kitchen and glares at them)
Diane: Don't you dare! No idling around until dinner is ready! If you're free, set the table and load the washing machine with the beach clothes.
Norm: (Puts a hand on Sam's back) Ah, sweet married life. Not even married yet and you're already experiencing it.
Carla: There's a reason I've been telling you to run away for years.
Sam: I agree this is no way to treat guests, but I don't want to get in trouble the day before my wedding. Cliff, you take care of setting the table. I'll take care of the clothes.
Carla: Let me give you a hand. After seeing how you shrunk Diane's sweater, I don't dare leave my clothes in your hands.
Sam: Then what do I do?
Carla: Try helping Cinderella in the kitchen.
(Norm, seeing that he is the only one left free, walks to the basement to get some beer, but Sam runs up, stops him and pushes him into the kitchen to help at least with dishes and washing vegetables)
Making your way in the world today
takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries
sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
You wanna go where people know
people are all the same.
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
[Sam and Diane's house. Late evening]
(Everyone is at the table finishing dinner when Oakley gets off Woody's lap)
Oakley: I'm tired.
Diane: Do you want me to tell you a story while your parents finish dinner?
Oakley: Yes! But I want Mommy to sleep with me.
Diane: Okay. Let's go get the story while she finishes.
(Diane holds out her hand to Oakley and he takes it. Then, the two of them go to the basement)
Norm: (Surprised) Diane is good with children.
Sam: Yes (laughs).
Carla: That's 'cause Woody and Kelly's son is an angel. If I had left her with my kids, her fate would oscillate between Boston Hospital and the insane asylum where she went that time.
Norm: Considering Cliffie was tied up like a mummy, put in a car and thrown down the stairs, I don't think that's a bad guess about Diane.
Cliff: Those children of yours were aiming at criminals since they were kids.
Carla: Speaking of criminal stuff. Where are we gonna sleep tonight?
Sam: I hope by criminal stuff you don't mean you're gonna do something cruel to Diane.
Carla: No. It pisses me off that she's the one marrying you not me, but I'm not gonna do anything to her.
Sam: Ok. About the rooms, I thought it would be best for Woody and Kelly to stay in the guest room with the kid. The couch in the living room is a sofa-bed. Cliff, Norm, are you okay with sharing?
Norm: I guess we have no choice. At least Cliff won't ask me for sex.
Sam: (Laughs at the comment) Carla, the couch in the basement is also a sofa-bed. Do you want me to bring it upstairs and put it in the future baby's room?
Woody: (Surprised and excited) Miss Chambers is pregnant too?!
Sam: No, not yet. But we've already saved a room for that.
Norm: Sam, do you mind if I switch my bedroom with Carla's? I'll feel more at home at Cheers II.
Sam: (Laughs) Okay. Then it's done. (He stands up and collects the dishes from Woody, Cliff, Kelly, Diane and Oakley, who have already finished dinner)
Kelly: I'm going to go downstairs and put Oakley to bed.
(As soon as Kelly stands up from the table, Diane arrives holding the boy in her arms)
Diane: (Whispering) I don't think you need to come downstairs.
(Sam, upon seeing Diane carrying the kid, looks at her touched, dies of tenderness and goes to the kitchen. Carla, noticing this, follows him)
Carla: (With a smirk) They're adorable, right?
Sam: (Startles and turns around) What are you talking about?
Carla: Babies, what else could it be? I'm a mother, you can't fool me. I saw how you looked at Oakley and Diane.
(Sam flushes and looks down, ashamed)
Sam: Please, if you're gonna make fun of me, do it here and not in front of the others.
Carla: I'm not gonna make fun of you.
(Sam lifts his head and looks at her in surprise)
Carla: I know perfectly well you've been wanting a kid for years, and also looking for a stable relationship. And although it hurts me to admit it because I love the old Sammy, I haven't seen you this happy in a long time.
Sam: (Surprised) Carla... Is this your wedding present or what is it? Because it doesn't look like one of your typical tricks to get something out of me and then embarrass me.
Carla: It was just a comment. Do you mind... if I help you do the dishes?
(Sam smiles, realizing she said that because she wants to spend time with him and hands her a sponge)
(...)
(At night, Sam, Cliff, Norm and Woody are in the basement, Sam and Woody with water and sitting on the floor and Cliff and Norm with beer and sitting on the couch)
Cliff: It's hard to believe our Sammy is finally going to get married (laughs).
Norm: (Smiles as he looks at Sam) How do you feel about it?
Sam: Happy. I'm glad Diane is the only one this time. I don't mind not having sex with other women or not kissing other women. The part about her driving me crazy being annoying worries me a bit, but not enough to stop me from taking the plunge, and still I want to be with her.
(Norm and Woody smile)
Woody: I know how you feel. Even if I find other women pretty or even if I feel attracted to them, my heart will always be Kelly's. (He stops for a second to think and frowns) Or should I say that Kelly is the only one in my heart? Because with the previous sentence it seems like I've agreed that my organs will be hers when I die.
(Everyone grimaces in disgust at the idea)
Sam: (Laughs and puts a hand on Woody's back) What do you think the girls are doing?
Cliff: Probably putting stuff on their faces and hair and doing their nails.
Norm: Or maybe they're getting drunk (laughs).
Woody: Nah, I don't think so. Miss Chambers doesn't seem that kind of person.
(Sam laughs and Woody looks at him in surprise)
Woody: She gets drunk?!
Sam: Not usually. When she worked at Cheers she got drunk twice. One because of me and one with Carla.
Woody: (Very surprised) Diane and Carla?! How? They don't get along.
Sam: It was a long time ago, when she started working at the bar. I wanted them to work out their differences, Carla made her an open grave and played a joke on her. Then Diane started singing and after that we both had to drive her home because she was out cold. (Laughs) Speaking of alcohol, can you imagine Diane and Rebecca getting drunk together? They're both lightweights. Though I would say Rebecca is worst. I wonder if they would have gotten along.
Norm: I think they wouldn't have been friends, but they wouldn't hate each other either.
Cliff: They're... very different...
Sam: Yeah... They're both very attractive, but they have a completely different energy. (Smiles) I think that's what I missed the most when I came back to Cheers. Diane was always paying attention at what was going on, she smiled and laughed all the time and she often stuck her nose where she shouldn't. She was often helpful, though. Rebecca was more serious and boring, and she spent most of her time in my office. At least in the beginning. (He is silent for a moment) I think... I'm gonna go upstairs and check if they're okay. (He stands up from the floor and goes to the stairs) Last time Carla made cocktails, nothing good happened.
(...)
(When Sam gets to the living room, he sees Carla and Diane with a cream-colored creamy drink and Kelly with a gradient orange drink with an orange wedge and some cherries, all three of them laughing a lot and Carla, as usual, not sitting properly)
Sam: I see you're having a good time. Lots of alcohol?
Carla: No, just one drink.
Sam: Limoncello and Sex on the beach?
Carla: You have a good eye and nose.
Sam: Many years serving at the bar. I hope Kelly has a virgin drink.
Carla: Just like Cliff.
Sam: Cliff's not-
Carla: (Sickened and annoyed) Belt up! Don't finish the sentence, I don't wanna have nightmares. It's non-alcoholic. I used the fruit you had in the fridge. Don't worry, I would never give alcohol to a pregnant woman. That fetus has enough with Woody's genes.
(Sam laughs at the comment and Diane makes a "Poor Woody, and poor baby" face)
Sam: Okay. I was just coming to get some water. Don't drink too much, I need you in shape tomorrow. (Leaves)
Carla: Hey Diane, didn't you say you were gonna invite some friends over? What happened? Is it because you don't have any?
Diane: I do have, but I wouldn't feel comfortable bringing them here. Last time I took my best friend from school to the bar she ended up flirting with my boyfriend.
Kelly: Were you still friends after that?
Diane: Yes, but not as close.
(...)
(Sam, Woody, Cliff and Norm are all four sitting on the couch with popcorn watching Woman of Desire on the TV)
Woody: You did end up choosing an erotic one.
Sam: Yeah, Bo Derek and Robert Mitchum is like the perfect combination for this occasion. Her to honor what has been my single years and him to honor Coach.
(...)
(In the living room, the girls are wearing a clay mask while they do their nails)
Carla: This is torture. I can hardly speak. My face is cracking.
Diane: That means it's almost ready to be removed. As soon as it dries, we can wash it off and put on the seaweed one.
(...)
(When the movie is over, Sam and Woody go upstairs and see Kelly and Diane heading to their bedrooms)
Sam: Diane, wait for me in bed. I won't be long, I'm gonna put Carla's bed in her room.
Diane: Ok.
(Carla grabs the couch from one side and Sam from the other and, carefully, they both take it to the future baby's bedroom)
Sam: (Serious and somewhat worried and embarrassed) Carla... Can I ask you a question?
Carla: Sure.
Sam: Would it change your opinion of me if you found out I was sterile?
Carla: (She drops the couch in shock) You're sterile?!
Sam: (Startles and holds his hand to his foot) Ow! (Annoyed) No! I didn't say I was! I just asked you if it would change your opinion of me if I were!
Carla: (Stops to think) I guess I would think you have three flaws then.
Sam: What are the other two?
Carla: Your bald spot and that you like Diane.
(Sam smiles resignedly and grabs the couch again. When Carla sees him, she grabs it on the other side and they continue walking towards the room)
Carla: (Serious) You two haven't talked about what happened with Rebecca, right?
Sam: (Serious) No.
Carla: I think the person whose opinion of you would change the most would be yourself. Diane has a lot to blame, but if you really had a problem like that, she would be the first one to support you and not make fun of you. I know you're eager to see what a combination of the two of you would look like, but a kid is a kid whether it's your blood or not. And either way I know you're going to be a good father (smiles).
(...)
[Saturday morning. Sam and Diane's house]
(Sam and Diane are sleeping in their bedroom. Both in summer pajamas and covered with a light duvet. They are both lying on their sides and Sam is cuddling Diane. Suddenly, Carla is heard screaming and they both wake up startled. Somewhat worried, they exchange glances. As Sam is about to get up to go check if Carla is all right, Carla enters the room)
Carla: (In shock) Diane... My skin... You were right... I look ten years younger...
(Seeing that this was the reason for the scream, Sam and Diane laugh and look at each other with a smile)
Sam: (Getting up) I'm gonna make some coffee.
Diane: (Getting up, to Carla) Time to start working on your hair.
(...)
(A while later, everyone is at the table with a hair mask and a plastic cap while eating eggs Benedict toast with asparagus and orange juice for breakfast)
(...)
(Carla and Diane are both in their pajamas, just showered and without any makeup. Diane has her hair still wrapped in a towel and is applying products to Carla's hair when Norm enters, also in his pajamas)
Diane: Diane, where do you keep the shoe polish?
Diane: In the shoe rack. Bottom drawer.
Norm: Thank you.
Diane: Norman, since you're here, would you let me do your hair?
Norm: (Surprised) My hair?
Diane: Yes, yours is curly too, and even though you guys have different curl patterns, the products I bought for Carla should work on you too.
Norm: In that case I'm all yours, Diane.
(Diane laughs)
(...)
(Diane is still without foundation, but with eyeliner, false eyelashes and eye shadow already on. When she is about to do her eyebrows, Carla enters the bedroom and startles her)
Carla: Diane!
(Diane, startled, drops the eyebrow pencil and picks it up)
Diane: (Somewhat upset) Oh, the tip broke off.
Carla: Forget that! Look at my hair!
(Diane turns around and is surprised to see her)
Carla: (Thrilled) It's beautiful! I've never had such soft hair or such beautiful curls in my whole life! Not even as a child! I'm so happy!
(Diane smiles when she hears her)
Norm: (Enters the room) Diane, what witchcraft did you do to my hair? It looks great.
(Diane laughs)
(...)
(Around 9:30 a.m., everyone arrives at the museum. The boys are all in suits. Cliff is wearing a navy suit with a baby blue tie, Woody a camel suit with a dark green tie, Norm a gray suit with a purple tie, and Sam a black suit with a red tie and a white flower in his pocket, just like last time. Oakley is wearing camel suit pants and a white button-up shirt, matching his father. Carla and Kelly are wearing two beautiful matching pink bridesmaid dresses and have their hair down with two locks locked in the back with a clip, Kelly braided and Carla natural. Diane is wearing a white wedding dress with open shoulders, a half updo, a veil and a beautiful bouquet of pink and apricot flowers. Diane's mother is waiting next to the Justice of the Peace, dressed in an elegant light blue dress. Diane, upon seeing her, runs to her, very happy)
Diane: Mummy!
Helen: Diane! (Moved) You look beautiful. Your father would be so happy to see you! Although he would probably complain about why you didn't get married ten years earlier.
Diane: Yeah, yeah... (Looks at the Justice of the Peace with a smile) Shall we start with the ceremony?
Woody: (Surprised) Your mother is English! No wonder you're so sophisticated!
(Diane laughs at the comment)
Woody: Then, about the crown...?
(Sam, seeing Woody start with his usual drivel, signals him to shut up and looks at the Justice of the Peace)
Helen: (To Diane, quietly) Is he Coach's son?
Diane: (Laughs) No. Although he is a lot like him.
Sam: We can start.
Justice of the Peace: All right. We are gathered here today to join Samuel Malone and Diane Chambers in matrimony. Before we start the ceremony, is there anyone who objects to this union?
Sam: Carla, but because she doesn't like Diane. You can ignore her and continue with the ceremony.
(Carla glares at him)
Justice of the Peace: (Looks at him confused) All right... Do you have the rings?
Sam: Yes. (Takes them out of his pocket)
Justice of the Peace: Have you prepared your vows or shall I proceed with the usual ceremony?
Diane: Proceed. I would have loved to express my love for Sam with a beautiful speech, maybe even garnish it with some verses, but that's not compatible with a short ceremony, so I'll just write him a letter. Besides, I don't risk Carla attacking me at my own wedding in a fit of rage.
(Carla laughs, being perfectly aware that that sounds like something she would do)
Justice of the Peace: (Looking at them funny) Alright... Do you, Samuel Malone, take Diane Chambers to be your wedded wife, to love her, honor her and respect her, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Sam: It depends. Does respecting her mean I can't laugh at her anymore?
(Norm and Carla laugh at the comment, Helen and the Justice of the Peace look at them puzzled and surprised and Diane looks at him annoyed)
Diane: Sam...!
Sam: What?
Justice of the Peace: No, respecting her means you will not intentionally hurt her, physically, mentally or emotionally. Jokes are allowed as long as they don't make the other person feel bad.
Sam: Okay. And what does it mean to honor her?
(Diane sighs resignedly and puts the bouquet down)
Sam: Because as much as I love her, I'm not gonna do anything flamboyant to show her I love her. Last time I tried that I ended up broken.
Justice of the Peace: You don't have to go bankrupt. If your future wife puts up with this, you can be sure she loves you.
(Diane, Sam and Norm smile, holding in their laughter)
Justice of the Peace: This is like the commandment "Thou shalt honor thy father and mother". It means that, especially when she's not around, you won't do things that go against her values or that would hurt her if she found out.
Sam: Well, I guess I have to try. Not only for Diane. If I wanna be a father, I've gotta set a good example. I don't want my kids to turn out like Carla's.
Carla: (Annoyed) Thank you.
Justice of the Peace: Any more questions or may I continue?
Sam: Go ahead.
Justice of the Peace: (Looking at them funny) Okay... Do you, Samuel Malone, take Diane Chambers to be your wedded wife, to love her, honor her and respect her, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Sam: I do. (He puts the ring on her finger)
Justice of the Peace: Do you, Diane Chambers, take Samuel Malone, to be your wedded husband, to love him, honor him and respect him, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Diane: I do. (She puts the ring on his finger)
Justice of the Peace: By the power vested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I pronounce you husband and wife. (To Sam) You may kiss the bride.
(Sam kisses Diane as bells ring and Norm and Kelly throw white petals at them while Woody and Helen cry)
Woody: (Wiping away his tears) Miss- No, Diane, can we all take a picture together? I was so busy earlier looking at how pretty Kelly was and how cute Oakley was that I forgot to ask.
(Diane laughs and Kelly smiles)
Diane: Of course. Did anyone bring a camera?
Norm: I did.
(Norm reaches into his suit, pulls out a camera and hands it to the Justice of the Peace. Then everyone positions themselves and smiles for the picture)
Norm: Okay, now we can go to Cheers and celebrate with beer.
(As he takes a step, Diane grabs him by the jacket and pulls him back. Norm, surprised, turns around)
Diane: Wait. I've talked to a photographer to take a couple of pictures of us in a studio. Don't worry, I'll pay for them.
Carla: Normally I would complain, but today I feel so pretty I want to frame it.
(Diane smiles)
Woody: I think the compliment comes a kind of late, but we were leaving the house in a hurry. Carla, Diane, you both look gorgeous today. I've never seen Carla's hair this beautiful, and the dresses are perfect, both the fabric and the design. I like the color and it enhances your figure. Normally bridesmaid dresses are really ugly, but this one is just the opposite. And M-, Diane, you always look great, but today is one of the days I've seen you looking your best. Do you know why?
Diane: (Smiles) Because no bride can look bad in a white dress?
Cliff: I can tell you weren't at Carla's wedding.
(Carla, angry, goes over to punch Cliff, but Sam stops her)
Sam: When we're done with the pictures you can throw a chair at him if you want.
Norm: Carla's problem was that she was pregnant. I'm sure that if they had gotten married a few months later, she would have looked a lot better.
Carla: Thanks. (Looks at Cliff with disdain) Watch and learn.
Woody: The answer to the question was your smile. Both you and Sam looked very happy. And nothing makes me happier than that. (Hugs them) I love you both so much.
Diane: We love you too, Woody.
(...)
[Photo studio]
Diane: All right, time to throw the bouquet.
(As Diane stands with her back turned, Carla runs out to the elevator and closes the door. Seeing her reaction, Sam and Norm laugh. In the end, it is Cliff who catches the bouquet. When Carla hears the celebratory shouts, she opens the door)
Cliff: (Happy) I'm gonna get married! I'm gonna get married!
Carla: (Ironic) And I'm gonna become a nun.
(Sam laughs)
Cliff: How come you don't believe in this? You're really superstitious.
Carla: Because the options were you and Diane's mother, and being taller and younger it was obvious you were gonna take it. Besides, being rich, older and having Diane as a daughter, she's clearly not good at sports.
(Helen tilts her head a little as if to say "Well, you made a point there, dear")
Sam: Carla, you should have participated. I'm sure you would have caught it before Cliff.
Carla: You're married now, and after Nick and Eddie I have no intention of trying, nor hope.
Sam: But if the right one comes along, don't drag your feet.
Carla: The right one just got married...
(Sam laughs)
(...)
[Emerson Cutler Majestic Theatre]
(Sam, Carla, Woody, Cliff and Norm are seated in the theater still dressed in their wedding clothes, except that Sam is no longer wearing the flower)
Carla: (Grumpily) Why do I have to be here, too? I hate this. Wasn't it enough agony to go to your wedding?
Sam: Relax. Diane said even you were gonna like it.
Carla: She said the same thing once about the opera years ago, and we couldn't stand five minutes with the TV on.
Sam: If you sit here until it's over, we'll consider it your wedding present.
Carla: The ticket was free, so I'll take it.
(...)
(Halfway through the performance, an older woman steps out of the shadows and the gentleman in front of her is shocked)
Actor: Mother?!
Carla: (Leaning forward in her seat) This is getting interesting.
(Sam, seeing that Carla is enjoying the play, smiles)
(...)
(As the play ends, the curtain falls, the lights come up and the entire theater is filled with loud applause and people standing, moved and astonished at the spectacle they have just seen. Woody, moved, hugs Norm in tears)
Norm: (Pats him on the back twice as if to comfort him) You're lucky I never stand up.
(...)
(As the theater is emptying out, the gang approaches Diane, who is coming down from the stage to join them. Before they reach her, she is intercepted by an old acquaintance)
Sumner: Congratulations, Diane. The play was wonderful. Truly moving. Despite the unforeseen circumstances you experienced, you all did an impeccable job. I'm sure you'll get a very positive response from the critics and that Professor Gayhardt will go down in Literary History.
(Diane smiles, happy to hear that comment)
Sumner: Thank you for honoring Gayhardt tonight. Had he been here, I have no doubt he would have been more than pleased with your work and the all the actors performance. Perhaps this is a bit hasty, but... would you like to have dinner with me and some colleagues tomorrow to discuss the play? You've been involved in the whole process from the inside and it would be enriching for me if you could help me prepare a lecture. I invited some students to the theater tonight and we agreed to discuss it in class next week.
Diane: (Smiles) I would be honored, but I'm afraid I have to decline the offer. I have a plane to catch tonight and won't be back for two weeks.
Sumner: Too bad. Business or leisure trip?
Sam: Pleasure. 'Cause she's gonna spend it with me (laughs).
Diane: (Looks at him with a smirk and pushes him away) It's our honeymoon.
Sumner: In that case, congratulations. Have fun. See you when you get back.
Diane: Thank you. (Looks at everyone with a nervous smile) Well, what do you think?
Sam: We loved it.
Diane: (Smiles excitedly) Really?! (Frowns) Or are you just teasing me?
Carla: No, this time we really mean it. I hate this kind of things, but this play hooked me from the beginning and kept my heart in my throat all the time. Too bad that friend of yours kicked the bucket, he had a knack for this. And I'm the type who prefers movies.
Diane: (Smiles) Shall we continue the conversation in the car? We have to go home to get our suitcases to go to the airport.
Sam: I have to stop by Cheers for a moment. Put mine in the car and come as soon as you're ready. (Gives her the keys)
Diane: Ok.