Something Dizzying, Something Exciting, Something Refreshing, Something Arousing
[Cheers. Nighttime]
(There are only a few hours left before everyone leaves Cheers with the exception of Carla. Norm and Cliff are drinking beer on their usual barstools, Carla is behind the bar placing drinks on a tray and Woody is making a cocktail for a young lady who just came in)
Norm: Where's Sammy? He was here a moment ago.
Carla: In his office. He said he had to make a phone call.
(...)
(In his office, Sam is sitting in his chair glued to the phone. When he hears the person on the other side picked it up, he smiles, happy and apparently relieved)
Sam: Lillian? Do you remember me? I'm Sam Malone, Cheers' owner. (...) (Laughs) I see you remember. I was calling you for two reasons. The first was to see if you were available to waitress from tomorrow until about mid-month or so. (...) Perfect. Now let's move on to the second reason, but first of all, I want you to promise me you won't say a word about this to my friends, especially Carla. (...) Ok. I just got married, and since I know you're an expert on the subject, I wanted to ask for your advice. What would you recommend for my wife to- (Laughs) I-I'm sorry... It's still weird for me to say "wife" instead of "girlfriend" or "fiancée". But back on topic, I want her to have a wedding night that's above and beyond anything she's ever experienced. What would you recommend?
(As Lillian speaks, Sam uncaps the bottle of water he has on the table and drinks, but when she continues speaking, he opens his eyes wide in surprise and spits out the water)
Sam: Ok, this actually explains a lot of things, including why your husband died of a heart attack. (...) No, no, I think it sounds very tempting and fun, but... Compared to you my wife's a stick. If I tried that, I would literally break her. Isn't there anything else you can suggest? (...) (Surprised and startled) You want me to kill her?! I can't do that! Isn't there anything you can recommend that won't endanger my wife's life or my life and integrity if she survives the wedding night? (...) (Writes things down on a piece of paper) Ok, that sounds better. (Lifts his head out of the notebook) She'll be able to walk the next day, right? (...) Perfect. Thank you, Lillian.
Making your way in the world today
takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries
sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
You wanna go where people know
people are all the same.
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
[Cheers]
Sam: (Leaving his office) Carla, you'll have a partner starting on Monday. Tomorrow, manage as best you can. And don't worry, this time I didn't pick her based on what she looks like. It's Lillian Huxley, the big English lady everyone loved.
Carla: (Happy) Thank you! If you leave Diane wherever you go on your honeymoon, my life will be complete.
(Sam laughs and they hear a car honking outside)
Sam: Speaking of the devil... I'll see you in two weeks. I'll call you tomorrow night when we get to the hotel and let you know how everything is going. (To Norm, Cliff and Woody) Have fun on your vacation. (Leaves)
(...)
[Boston Airport]
(Sam and Diane are sitting waiting for their flight and Diane is wearing noise-canceling headphones)
Diane: (Screaming because she cannot hear anything) Sam, this is ridiculous! Can't you tell me where we're going already?
Sam: (Takes off a headphone and stands in front of her) Not until we've landed. (Puts the headphone back on and kisses her)
(Diane, fed up with Sam's nonsense, plops down in the chair)
(...)
(Nine hours later, Sam and Diane are on the plane. Diane is sleeping on Sam's shoulder and he is sleeping on her head. At that moment, a stewardess taps Diane on the shoulder to wake her up and she is startled and wakes up Sam with a headbutt. In pain, he puts his hands on his chin and she puts her hands on her head while the stewardess tries to hide her smile)
Sam and Diane: Ow...
Stewardess: I'm sorry I startled you. I just wanted to let you know that we just landed.
(Excited, Diane looks out the window, but cannot see anything she can identify)
(...)
(As Diane gets off the plane, she hears people speaking Spanish and looks at Sam excitedly)
Diane: Spain?!
Sam: Yes.
Diane: (Happy, almost holding back the urge to jump for joy) That's wonderful! It never crossed my mind that you could have chosen Europe!
Sam: What did you expect?
Diane: I don't know. I guess Hawaii or Bora Bora. I didn't think you'd bring me back to where I went with Frasier.
Sam: I haven't.
(Hearing some people talking in Catalan, Diane's eyes widen in excitement)
Diane: Barcelona?!
Sam: Yes.
(Diane, excited, hugs Sam and kisses him)
Diane: With Frasier I just saw Andalusia. (Happy) This trip is going to be wonderful!
(Sam smiled. Nothing made him happier than seeing his wife so happy and excited. It never failed. Whenever she let her inner child come out, she always caused him to laugh and feel squooshy. Although Sam was perfectly aware that her joy was going to end the second she found out their first activity as married couple was going to be going to the amusement park together. But he told himself he would have time to worry about trying to pacify her bad mood later)
(...)
[Hotel]
(Sam is in the room looking for clothes in his suitcase when Diane comes out of the bathroom)
Sam: Diane, is the makeup you're wearing waterproof?
Diane: No. Why? (Distrustful) Are you going to make me cry?
Sam: No (laughs). It's in case there are water rides.
Diane: (Annoyed and outraged) "Rides"?! Sam, it's our honeymoon! I'm not going to an amusement park on my first day as your wife.
Sam: Why not?! It's the perfect time! We're brimming with energy 'cause we slept the whole flight! Yesterday we went to the theater and got married in a museum. Today we do what I want, tomorrow we do something you like. It's called balance. Besides, I've got everything under control. I went to a travel agency and I've got everything written down on a piece of paper.
Diane: (Sighs resignedly) Okay, you win...
Sam: (Happy) Good! Wear a swimsuit or a bikini underneath and comfortable clothes and shoes. Also lots of sunscreen. And wear summer clothes, it's very hot here.
(...)
(Around noon, Sam and Diane enter Port Aventura and start walking around. Sam is very excited and Diane is looking at everything with attention and curiosity. He is wearing jeans, sneakers, a T-shirt and, although it is not visible, he is wearing a bathing suit underneath. She is wearing a blouse, shorts, a swimsuit underneath and sandals)
Diane: The setting is truly outstanding.
(...)
(After walking for a while, Sam and Diane are in the Polynesian area riding the Typhoon, an elongated brown ride that spins on itself. Sam is having a great time and keeps laughing and smiling, but Diane is visibly overwhelmed and dizzy and keeps screaming as she wonders how much longer until the torture is over. When it is finally over, Diane breathes a sigh of relief and Sam laughs and snorts. He was clearly having a good time)
Sam: That was fun.
(Diane, pale, dizzy and angry glares at him sideways and with her eyes half-open)
Sam: (Laughing, turns to Diane) Did you-? (Seeing her, he startles, worried) You're white! Are you okay?
Diane: (Opens her eyes and looks at him sideways, upset) Do I look okay?
Sam: (Breathes a sigh of relief) Thank goodness, for a second I thought you fainted.
(Diane looks at him annoyed and, when the bar is raised to leave the ride, she lets Sam get out first and then grabs onto him to get out)
Diane: (Angrily) What if it had happened? Would you have felt guilty, Sam? I thought you had changed, that you had become more considerate and thoughtful, but as soon as you had me, you went back to being the same old Sam.
Sam: (Turns to her) That's not true!
Diane: (Angry) What do you mean it's not true?! You're lucky you didn't see my breakfast. (Annoyed and tired) I'm off to the hotel.
Sam: Diane, wait! (He grabs her by the wrist and she turns around) I... I'm sorry. I should have waited to see what the ride was like before I got in line. I didn't know it spun like that either. If I had known, I would have chosen something smoother first. I know you're only here for me, because you're not into this kind of stuff, but I wouldn't have told you to ride if I didn't think you'd be able to handle it.
Diane: (Looks at him annoyed and tired) Does this look like I handle it?
Sam: In your case, it does.
Diane: (Looks at him angrily) It's a miracle your hair didn't fly off. (She turns to leave, but Sam grabs her wrist and stops her again)
Sam: Wait. Give me another chance. We'll ride something smoother this time. And just so you don't think I did this to upset you, I want to confess something. Remember this morning when I told you the toilet wasn't working?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: That was a lie. I just wanted to make sure you weren't pregnant.
(Diane opens her eyes in surprise and opens her mouth angrily to yell at him)
Sam: Let me finish. I wasn't trying to ruin any surprise, I just wanted to make sure that in case you were, I wasn't going to endanger anyone, not you nor a hypothetical or future baby. And even though I know you're fine now, I want you to know that before I booked the tickets, I went to the hospital and talked to your doctor about the amusement park just in case. (Diane is surprised) Look, I know you're upset, but I'm trying hard to make sure we enjoy our honeymoon. If you want to go to the hotel 'cause you're tired or 'cause you're not feeling well, I understand, but I don't want this to ruin our trip.
Diane: All right... (Hugs him and looks at him) I appreciate your concern and I'm happy you care about me. In your own way...
(Sam smiles)
Diane: Sam... What would you have done if the test had come back positive?
Sam: I would have sold your ticket and gone alone while you enjoyed some museum.
(Diane smiles resignedly)
Diane: It's not the most romantic thing to do, but thank you for being considerate. (She stands on tiptoe and kisses him)
Sam: You're still pretty shaken up. Shall we sit down for a while and relax before we go on another ride?
Diane: (Smiles playfully) I have a better idea.
(...)
(Still in the Polynesian area, Sam and Diane enjoy a traditional Hawaiian dance show, with raffia hula skirts and coconuts on top. Sam was enjoying the show as if it were a striptease)
Sam: (Laughs) How much do I have to pay you to do an impression for me in private?
(Diane glares at him)
Sam: What? I wouldn't tell anyone.
(Diane sighs resignedly, shakes her head and continues to enjoy the show)
(...)
(After the show, Sam and Diane get on the Kon-Tiki, which is basically a swing boat, a type of pendulum ride. As it starts to go down, Diane grabs Sam's hand and he is a bit surprised)
Sam: Are you all right? You don't find this scary, do you?
Diane: No. But I didn't think I was going to feel so much adrenaline. Especially since it doesn't move that fast.
(Sam smiles, happy to see that, at least, she is not having a bad time)
(...)
(After the Kon-Tiki, Sam and Diane ride the Tutuki, a kind of water roller coaster. This time, they are both enjoying it equally. After getting soaked on the ride down, Sam looks at Diane laughing and she smiles back at him, also laughing)
Sam: Finally. Third time's the charm.
Diane: My favorite so far.
Sam: Do you want to ride again?
Diane: Sure, why not? I'm already soaked.
(...)
(After riding the Tutuki a couple of times, Sam and Diane enter the Bora Bora restaurant to have lunch. Diane orders skewers and a salad and Sam marinated veal with rice and dessert)
Sam: I wonder how the others are doing...
(...)
[Boston. Cheers]
Customer: A beer.
Carla: (Exhausted and in a bad mood) Coming!
(As Carla turns to grab the mug, she hears the sound of the door and takes a deep breath to calm down so she will not yell at the customer to go home. When she turns around, she is surprised to see that it is not a stranger, but an old customer, Lilith Sternin)
Carla: Lilith! Thank God! (Gives her Diane's apron) Put this on and help me if you want alcohol in return.
Lilith: (Picks up the apron puzzled and looks around) Has someone died and they left you in charge of the bar?
Carla: The only thing that has died here is my patience.
Lilith: I was asking because this is the first time I've been in Cheers and I haven't seen Norm. But you're right, leaving you here alone is what I call labor exploitation.
Carla: Starting tomorrow, I'll have a partner, just help me out today, will ya? Norm, Cliff and Woody are on vacation and Sam and Diane are on their honeymoon.
Lilith: (Surprised) So they finally succumbed to passion and got married. I hope they have a better future ahead of them than Frasier and I did. Where's Rebecca?
Carla: In New York. She was offered a new job. (Gives her two beers) Take this to those two guys over there. (Points to the table)
Lilith: (Takes the beer mugs and carries them to the table indicated by Carla) Here you have.
Customer: It's freezing cold! Do you put the mugs in the fridge?
Lilith: No, I probably chilled them in the way to your table. (Turns around and leaves)
Carla: (Smiles at the comment) So, what brings you here? I thought you'd be with Freddie.
Lilith: Frederick is with his father in Seattle. Right now, I'm home alone with Pavlova. But I've been working on research for months and I needed some human contact. (Sighs resignedly) Who am I kidding, what I need is a Bourbon.
Carla: (Laughs) I'll pour it right away. In the meantime, take this Vodka Martini to that guy over there. (Points to the table)
Lilith: Thank you. (Gives him the drink)
Customer: Are you all right? You're really pale.
Lilith: It's my natural color. Actually, I'd say I'm starting to get a tan.
Carla: (Pours Lilith a Bourbon) Hey, Lilith, after work, could you come home with me for a minute? I'm sure my kids will behave with you. Last time I talked to Frasier, he said his dad's dumb dog ran away just seeing you.
Lilith: (Slowly raises her head and looks at her, very serious and slightly annoyed) That's just a distorted version of reality. What happened is that I asked him to leave and he left. As simple as that. The problem is that an ego maniac like Frasier would never admit that I have more authority than he does on anything he does.
(Carla smiles at the comment)
(...)
[Barcelona. Port Aventura]
(After having traveled by boat to China from Port de la Drassana, Sam and Diane enjoy a dance show with cymbals and traditional music)
Sam: (Quietly) What a balance! What Carla does with the trays is impressive, but this is on another level.
(...)
[Honolulu. Waikiki Beach]
(Norm is lying on his towel on the sand while drinking beer)
Vera: (From the water) Nooorm! Aren't you coming to the water?
Norm: Later! (Sighs happily) Sun, beach, beer and my wife and hundreds of other women in bathing suits. It's difficult to miss Cheers with all this.
(...)
[Barcelona. Port Aventura]
(Sam and Diane ride the Dragon Khan and, when they get off, Diane is still in shock and clinging to Sam)
Diane: I need to sit down...
Sam: So do I...
(...)
[Indiana. Boyd's house]
(As Woody parks the car, Oakley runs out to the house and Kelly looks sideways frowning)
Woody: (Takes a deep breath and smiles) Home, sweet home.
Kelly: Woody, it smells funny in here.
Woody: That's how countryside smells like.
(Kelly looks around, worried about being in an environment so different from her own that she doubts she will ever fit in)
(...)
[Barcelona. Port Aventura]
(In the Mexico area, Sam and Diane ride the El Diablo ("The Devil") roller coaster, El Tren de la Mina ("The Mine Train"); Yucatán, a feathered serpent that spins making waves; and El trono del Dios Pacal ("Pacal King Throne"), a ride that spins in a big circle. They both enjoy all three rides, as they are not strong or dizzying enough to have a bad experience. After that, they go to a Mayan dance show, where, as expected, Diane enjoys the cultural learning and Sam cannot help but laugh)
(...)
[Florida. Mrs. Clavin's house]
(Cliff is looking out the window at a group of girls with binoculars while his mother cooks lunch)
Esther: Clifford, why don't you put those damn binoculars down and go to the pool? Seeing you act like that, it's no wonder you don't have a girlfriend.
Cliff: I'm just tasting the waters.
Esther: Then, go outside and taste them for real. (Picks up some letters from the table) What are all these letters?
Cliff: Leave them there. They're for my friends. I'll drop them in their mailboxes when I get back.
Esther: Clifford, I'm worried about you. Come on, go put on your bathing suit and go to the pool for a while. And no bringing vegetables from the garden to show the neighbors.
Cliff: Yes, Ma...
(...)
[Barcelona. Port Aventura]
(In the Wild West area, Sam and Diane ride the Grand Canyon Rapids, a circular boats that travels down a fast-flowing river; and the Silver River Flume, a kind of water roller coaster where groups of four people ride on a log. Then Sam rides the Wild Buffalos, bumper cars except that instead of cars, they are buffaloes, and goes to see a cowboy show and an adult-only women's show where women lift up their skirts to reveal their sexy thighs in garter belts. Meanwhile, Diane reads a book sitting by the lake)
(...)
(When Diane sees Sam coming out, she puts a bookmark on her book and puts it in her purse)
Diane: Did you have fun?
Sam: (Laughs) Like you have no idea. (Kisses her) I'm starving. Shall we go have dinner?
Diane: I can think of something better (smiles).
(...)
(After a short walk, Sam and Diane leave the amusement park eating a gelato they bought in the Mediterranean zone)
Sam: See how you enjoyed the day in the end?
Diane: Except for the two or three rides where I was hesitating whether to rip your head off or sit down when I got off, it was fine. At least there was cultural entertainment.
Sam: Speaking of cultural entertainment. (Flirting) How about swimming together in the pool when we get to the hotel?
Diane: (Looking at him with a smirk) I want to have dinner and then see what the nightlife is like at the hotel. Let me take a shower first. You're faster. You'll have plenty of time while I do my hair and makeup.
(...)
[Hotel]
(While Diane takes a shower, Sam is sitting on the bed talking on the phone)
Sam: Guess where we've been all day.
[On the phone] Carla: From your tone of voice, I'd say somewhere fun.
Sam: A theme park.
[On the phone] Carla: (Laughs) I can't imagine Diane at a theme park. Did she pass out on any ride? Did she burst your eardrums?
Sam: (Laughs) No. Although she was close to doing both on the strong ones (laughs). But we had a great time. I'll tell you more about it when we get back. Calls abroad are expensive and with the trip I'm already broke.
[On the phone] Carla: Ok. I'd rather you didn't tell me about the wedding night.
Sam: (Laughs) Don't worry. Unless I kill her, I won't say a word. Good night. (Hangs up)
(...)
(After having dinner at the hotel buffet, Sam and Diane go to the hotel bar. As soon as they enter, Sam looks at a young Spanish woman with curvy figure and Diane glares at him. At that moment, a man with a guitar starts to play and sing Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, by Wham!)
Singer: Jitterbug / Jitterbug / Jitterbug / Jitterbug
Diane: (Threateningly) Don't you dare look back. Just keep your eyes on me.
Sam: I-
Diane: (Takes his hand) Shut up and dance with me.
(In a short time and without really knowing how it happened, they took the floor and everyone was looking at them. Sam, seeing Diane dance with so much enthusiasm and energy and with no inhibition, can finally picture that iconic hot summer girl in Europe from 1985. That girl who can dance almost to the floor was now his wife, and oh, boy, he was happy)
Singer: You put the boom-boom into my heart / Ooh-ooh / You send my soul sky-high / When your lovin' starts / Jitterbug into my brain / Yeah-yeah / Goes a bang-bang-bang / 'Til my feet do the same / But something's bugging me / Something ain't right / My best friend told me / What you did last night / You left me sleeping in my bed / I was dreaming / But I should've been with you instead / Wake me up before you go-go / Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo / Wake me up before you go-go / I don't wanna miss it when you hit that high / Wake me up before you go-go / 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo / Wake me up before you go-go, ah / Take me dancing tonight / I wanna hit that high, yeah, yeah / You take the grey skies outta my way / Ooh-ooh / You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day / You turned a bright spark into a flame / Yeah-yeah / My beats per minute never been the same / 'Cause you're my lady / I'm your fool / It makes me crazy when you act so cruel / Come on, baby / Let's not fight / We'll go dancing / Everything will be alright / Wake me up before you go-go / Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo / Wake me up before you go-go / I don't wanna miss it when you hit that high / Wake me up before you go-go / 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo / Wake me up before you go-go, ah / Take me dancing tonight...
(When the song ends, people start applauding them. Sam and Diane look at them surprised since they did not expect such reaction from the people there. Then they look into each other eyes, smile and kiss. After that, Sam's passion was out of control. All he can think about was going to the bedroom to enjoy their wedding night. But then, the music started again. This time with Eye-To-Eye, by Tevin Campbell)
Singer: Y ahora una de las favoritas de mi hija. ("Now one of my daughter favorites") Maybe we'll discover / What we should have known all along.
(Hearing the song, Sam stands there thinking for a second and, upon realizing, is surprised and starts laughing)
Sam: Hey! That's from the Goofy movie! I watch it with Carla's twins the other day.
(Diane laughs and then Sam sings the next line along with the singer for Diane as a way to tell her "Let's stay here for a little longer". Hearing this, Diane laughs, happy to be there with him)
Sam and Singer: One way or another / Together's where we both belong.
(Sam smiles, grabs Diane's hand, spins her around and they start dancing, brimming with energy. Their smiles were so bright that both of them could not help but think how lucky they were to be with each other)
Singer: If we listen to each other's heart / Oh yeah / We'll find we're never too far apart / And maybe love is the reason why / For the first time ever we're seeing it eye to eye / If a wall should come between us / Too high to climb, too hard to break through / I know that love will lead us / And find a way to bring me to you / So don't be in a hurry / Think before you count us out / Oh / You don't have to worry / I won't ever let you down / Nothing's gonna stop us now / If we listen to each other's heart / Oh yeah / We'll find we're never too far apart / And maybe love is the reason why / For the first time ever we're seeing it eye to eye...
(Tired from dancing, both Sam and Diane walk to the bar to sit for a while. There is no music now since the singer is taking a breather too)
Diane: (Laughs) I never thought I would end up dancing to a song from a cartoon movie in my honeymoon.
Sam: (Laughs) Life's crazy, huh? I never thought I'd ever see you dancing like that.
(Diane laughs)
Sam: And I never thought I would marry you after we took different paths in 93'. But here we are (smiles).
(Diane looks at him sad and sorrow, holds a hand to his cheek and kiss him)
Sam: But, yeah, dancing to a song from a cartoon movie in our honeymoon is way weirder.
(Diane laughs and Sam, seeing her laughing, laughs too. Her smile was contagious. Every time he saw it, he smiled too)
Sam: (To the barman) Two non-alcoholic cocktails.
Barman: (With a Spanish accent) We have Shirley Temple, San Francisco, Cuddles on the Beach and Mojito.
Sam: I think I'll go with a Mojito.
Diane: Make it two.
Sam: Cuddles on the Beach is a funny name, though (laughs).
(Diane smiled. His humor was so easy sometimes that he reminds her of a kid or a teen)
Sam: We should do that. But later on the trip.
(The barman serves them their drinks and they try them)
Diane: (Surprised) Mm!
Sam: (Surprised) Man, this is good!
Diane: What's in there?
Barman: (With a Spanish accent) Melon juice, lemon juice and zest, sparkling water and mint.
Diane: We should try make this at home.
Sam: (To the bartender) How much sugar?
Bartender: (With a Spanish accent) No sugar.
(Sam and Diane are surprised. As they enjoy their drinks, the singer comes back and starts playing the guitar and singing Love Hurts, by Nazareth)
Singer: Love hurts, love scars.
(Hearing the lyrics, both Sam and Diane stop looking at their cocktail and raise their heads)
Singer: Love wounds and marks / Any heart...
(Sam and Diane frown and exchange glances. Then, Sam stands up and goes to the singer)
Sam: Hey, sorry to interrupt. I don't mean to sound rude or anything. I love rock and your singing is great, but we're on our honeymoon. (Points to Diane) See? (Shows him the ring in case he does not understand English very well) And this song is kinda depressing for a newly-wed couple. Could you sing something... romantic rather than heartbreaking?
Singer: Ok. All 4 One.
Sam: Thank you.
(When Sam goes to Diane, she pays the drinks. Then Sam holds his hand to her and they both go to the dance floor. When the song starts, Sam laughs, noticing that when the singer said "All 4 One", he actually meant the boy band, and they both start dancing slowly. This song took Sam back in time to the day of their first wedding. In his thoughts, the present, the future and memories of that 2030's version of Sam and Diane overlapped, but now, he was sure it would become a reality)
Singer: I'll give you everything I can / I'll build your dreams with these two hands / We'll hang some memories on the wall / And when just the two of us are there / You won't have to ask if I still care / 'Cause as time turns the page / My love won't age at all / And I swear / By the moon and stars in the sky / I'll be there / I'll be there / I swear / Like the shadow that's by your side / I'll be there / I'll be there / For better or worse / 'Til death do us part / I'll love you with every beat of my heart / I swear...