The rest of the day goes smoothly, giving interviews, and a tour around the district. We only end up showing them the more well put together parts of town though, which means we've avoided the Seam entirely. As the sun sets, Effie makes the cameramen wrap up and we're on the train, pulling out of the station. We all eat dinner together, the old team, Effie, Haymitch, Cinna, Portia, Sawyer, and me. And then we're bathed and clothes in pajamas and sent off to bed. I stay up though, waiting on one of the couches for Haymitch since I know he doesn't like to sleep much at night.
When the train seems quiet, I make my way to his room, knocking on the door. It takes a while for him to answer but eventually he's there, scowling at me.
"What do you want?" His alcohol tinged breath blows across my face and I wrinkle my nose.
"I have to talk to you," I say. He raises a brow, waiting. "The train is stuffy." I hope he'll understand that I want some privacy.
He nods. "I know what you need." I follow him to the end of the hallway where he shoves open another door and we're immediately hit with the freezing air. We step out and he closes the door behind us.
"President Snow came to see me," I blurt out. Then, I tell him everything, about what he said, about Levi, and about what will happen if I fail.
"So then you can't fail," he says.
"You're not helpful," I glare. "If you could just help me get through this trip-"
"Willow, it's too late," he says. I'm a little caught off guard by his use of my name. "It's not just this trip."
"What do you mean?" I say.
"Even if you pull it off, they'll be back in a few months for the next games. And the one after that and the one after that. Every year the audience is going to want an update on the star-crossed lovers. They'll want all the little details of your romance and your personal life and you have no other option but to live happily ever after with that boy."
The full impact of what he says hits me. I'll never have a place in my life for Levi, at least not in the way that he's wanting. I'm still a child now so I could go on living with Dani and my parents for a few more years. And then…and then…
"Do you understand what I mean," Haymitch presses.
I nod. There's only one future, if I want to keep those I love alive and stay alive myself. I'll have to marry Sawyer.
We slog back to the train in silence. In the hallway outside my door, Haymitch gives my shoulder a pat. "You could do a lot worse you know," he says, heading back to his room.
I do know. I could definitely do a lot worse than Sawyer. But that's not really the point. One of the few freedoms we have in Twelve is the choice of who to marry. And now I was being forced into it. And who knows, maybe I would have chosen him. Maybe I wouldn't have. But I would never get to find out.
I wonder if President Snow will insist we have children. I would never want to bring a child into this world, and with things the way they are now, any child of mine is almost guaranteed to be reaped. It wouldn't be the first time. In fact, it happens much too often to be generational bad luck. They must do it on purpose, for the excitement, the drama.
I try to think of any way out, and I can't. When I decided both Sawyer and I would make it out, I condemned both of us to this. I toss and turn in my sleep, and by the time dawn comes, and my prep team comes to get me ready for the day, I still have no more answers. After getting scolded by them for the bags under my eyes, they do much of the same as yesterday, and help me get dressed in the outfit Cinna laid out for me.
"Won't it be cold?" I ask when I take in my outfit at the breakfast table. It's just a thin long sleeved shirt and pants. Not even a coat to go along with it.
"Not in District Eleven," Effie informs me. El's District. I've been dreading it, having to see her family when I couldn't protect her. And Gus' too after what he did for me and Sawyer.
"Where's everyone else?" I'm still alone and I would have thought Sawyer would be ready by now.
"Sawyer will be up soon. And who knows where Haymitch is," Effie goes back to her coffee.
"He's still asleep?"
"He doesn't need as much time to get ready as you," she says.
That makes me scowl. While I'm sitting here getting tortured, he gets to roll out of bed. I'm still whirring from Haymitch and I's conversation last night and the nerves of having to face all of the tributes whose deaths I feel responsible for. Eventually, everyone else joins, and they try to engage me in conversation too but I brush them off. Maybe Haymitch had the right idea, he's still nursing his hangover so everyone seems to be leaving him alone Or maybe it's just his personality they're avoiding. I can't even look at Sawyer, who doesn't even know he's my future husband yet, even though none of this is his fault.
At some point, the train stops, some part has malfunctioned, apparently and it needs to be replaced. It will require at least an hour. This sends Effie into a state, pulling out her schedule trying to work out how the delay will impact every event for the rest of our lives. Finally, I can't stand to listen to her anymore.
"No one cares Effie!" I snap. Everyone at the table stares at me, even Haymitch, who you think would be on my side in the matter I'm immediately put on the defensive. "Well no one does!" I say, getting up and leaving the dining car.
The train seems too stifling so instead of heading back to my room, I find one of the exit doors and force it open, triggering the alarm. With any luck, they'll ignore it and leave me here when the train is fixed. I expect to find the ground covered in snow, but instead, it's green, even the trees, and the air is warm. I walk along the tracks, facing the mountains, already regretting my words to Effie. She hardly deserves it, she's just doing her job. I should go back and apologize. But instead, I sit down on the grass, facing away from the train.
After a while, I hear footsteps behind me, and I'm sure it's Haymitch coming to chew me out. But I still don't want to hear it. "I'm not in the mood for a lecture."
"I'll keep it brief then." It's not Haymitch. Sawyer takes a seat next to me.
"I thought you were Haymitch," I say.
"No, he's still trying to wake up" I watch as Sawyer positions his artificial leg. "Bad day?"
"It's nothing," I say.
"Look, Willow. I've been wanting to talk to you about the way I acted on the train. The time after the games, and afterwards I suppose. It wasn't fair to try to hold you to anything you did or said in the games. I'm sorry," he says.
"I'm sorry too," I say, except I'm not sure for what. Maybe it's because I know that when he finds out about our future it might destroy him more.
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about. You were just keeping us alive. But I don't want us to keep going on like this. We've been so hot and cold with each other, ignoring each other when the cameras aren't on, and then falling into the snow the next. So if I stopped being so, you know, wounded, and expecting so much from you, we could take a shot at just being friends," he says. Then, because he wouldn't be Sawyer without it, he adds a little, "for now."
I've been so busy focused on myself and keeping my family alive, that I never stopped to think about how isolating this must be for Sawyer as well. And refusing him now wouldn't keep him any less safe. "Okay," I say. His offer does make me feel better. Like we're trying to build something real and genuine instead of trying to jump into something that's not. Less dubious. And I'm glad this means we're speaking again. I hadn't realized how much I had really missed him until now.
"So, what's wrong?" he asks.
I can't tell him. I pick up a clump of weeds.
"Let's start with something more basic," he says. "Isn't it weird that I know you would risk your life to save mine…but I don't know your favorite color?"
"Green," I say, without even thinking, a smile creeping on my lips. "What's yours?"
"Orange," he says.
"Like Effie's hair?" I ask, appalled.
"No," he chuckles. "Orange like the sunset. Like that," he elbows me, pointing to the sky. The sun had started to set and it streaks light orange and pink and purple across the sky. I wish I could draw it. His simple questions opens a door, and I want to tell him everything that's been going on. About President Snow. But I know Haymitch would advise against it. So I stick to a safe topic.
"You know, I've heard you've taken up painting. But I haven't gotten to see any yet."
"Well I've got a whole train car full. Come on," he says. He stands up and offers his hand. I take it and intertwined our fingers. It feels good to do this, not in show, but in actual friendship. We walk back to the train hand in hand when I remember Effie. "I should apologize."
He nods. "You might want to lay it on thick." He leans in and kisses my cheek, although I don't think he noticed he had done it until he pulls away, his face turning red. "Sorry." It was strange that we could kiss for the cameras all we wanted but that little gesture feels much more intimate.
"Don't be," I give him a smile which he returns, relieved. Although I'm sure I'm blushing too. "I'll meet you there."