Coaching Clavin
[Cheers. Afternoon]
(The bar is quite crowded. Woody is making drinks, Sam is filling the bowls with snacks, Carla is serving customers, Diane is reading a book behind the bar, and Cliff is sitting with a beer on his usual stool waiting for his best friend, who just happens to walk in)
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
All: Nooorm!
Diane: Norman...
Woody: How's life treating you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: I guess things could be better. I've got a wound in my pocket no surgeon can close.
Woody: Have you thought about buying new pants? You may end up losing money that way.
(Seeing his naivety, Cliff and Carla look at him, Sam and Diane hold back their laughter, and Norm laughs)
Woody: What's up? Did I say something funny?
Sam: Woody, the way he loses money is by coming to the bar.
Woody: Of course, 'cause his pocket's torn and that's this is only place he goes.
(Sam, Norm and Diane, seeing that he still does not understand that he is talking about his bar tab, laugh)
Making your way in the world today
takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries
sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
You wanna go where people know
people are all the same.
You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
[Cheers]
(After bringing beers to the customers in the pool room, Carla goes to the bar to leave her tray. At the sight of a sheet with short lines written on it, she frowns)
Carla: (To Diane) You're not gonna include poetry in that series, are you?
(Diane looks at her puzzled and, when she realizes what she is looking at, tries to repress her smile and looks her in the eyes)
Diane: No. Those are not verses, they're titles and authors. I'm listing the works I want to use.
Sam: What's next?
Diane: The Republic, by Plato.
Cliff: But that's philosophy, not literature.
Diane: It's still a text after all. Many literary books have philosophical statements, so why not include a philosophical work per se? After spending a couple of hours browsing the library catalogs, I decided it would be best to put it as the first chapter. After all, this book is from the 4th century B.C. Now what I need to develop is the main characters: their names, their physical appearance, where they come from... I want it to be a diverse group. At the moment, I have a young blonde-haired, blue-eyed American girl who studied Literature in college and wants to be a writer.
Sam: So, you.
Diane: Basically, yes. Then a freckled, red-haired, green-eyed young Irish woman who loves antiques and cooking and is always trying to create a warm, homey atmosphere in the bookstore; a young African woman who just moved to America and is looking for a part-time job while trying to get something steady in the world of literary criticism; and a young Mexican girl who also wants to be a writer, who loves cooking and nature and who falls in love with the bookstore in the first episode.
Sam: If it makes it to the big screen, it will be eye-catching.
(Diane stares at him, but without saying a word. A few days ago she was cheering her husband's interest in her work, and now he was back to his old ways with his comments about women's appearance. The sooner she celebrated a victory, the sooner it would be overturned)
Sam: What?
Diane: I hope that if it makes it to the big screen, you'll pay attention to more than just that.
Sam: Sure. Do you already have the names or do you need help with that?
Diane: Please, tell me you're not going to pull out your black book.
Sam: Do you or don't you want help?
Diane: (Sighs resignedly) For the blonde I'm between Diana and having her be Samuel's future girlfriend and wife or making two separate characters and naming her Shelley.
Sam: I vote for Diana. Although Shelley is a nice name too. What about the rest?
Diane: For the redhead I'm between Mackenna and Shannon, but I think I'll go with Shannon because of the meaning, "River of Wisdom". For the African girl I chose Thabisa, which means "The one who brings joy", and for the Mexican girl I chose Anayansi, which means "The key to happiness", but everyone calls her Ana because it is shorter.
Woody: (Holding the paper in his hand, surprised) There are almost 40 titles here.
Sam: Do you think it will be renewed for a second season?
Diane: If the first one is successful...
Woody: Speaking of literature, M- (corrects himself), Diane, could you help me rehearse a few scenes on my break?
Diane: (Happy and excited) Of course! Which play is it?
Woody: A Streetcar Named Desire, by Tennessee Williams.
Diane: (Happy and surprised) A Streetcar Named Desire?! It's a classic of world and American literature! When does it premier?
Woody: If everything goes well, late summer or early fall.
Diane: (Smiling) You'd better save me a ticket.
Woody: As many as you want.
Diane: (Smiles) That's the spirit. What character are you playing?
Woody: Stanley Kowalski.
Diane: (Surprised and very happy) That's wonderful, Woody! He's one of the main characters! I'll be happy to help you rehearse.
Cliff: (To Norm) I have a fact today that might interest you, Normie.
Norm: Is it about beer?
Cliff: Exactly.
(Norm is surprised)
Cliff: Did you know that nowadays beers are sold in six-packs because of a tradition dating back to the Roman Empire? Back then they were paid for in sesterces.
Norm: How much is that?
Cliff: I think a bit less than a dollar and a half.
Norm: Is that for one beer or for six?
Cliff: I think for a beer.
Norm: Then I wasn't born in the wrong century.
(Sam and Diane laugh at their conversation)
Cliff: Diane, shall we continue with our...?
Diane: Yes, just let me get my things and I'll be with you.
Sam: Where are you going?
Diane: I'm going to help Clifford with some shopping.
Norm: You really picked the right person today. I'm not getting off this stool.
(Sam and Diane smile when they hear him and Diane leaves with Cliff)
Carla: Hey, Sam, I have an idea. Since Diane is gonna be away for a while, why don't we make a bet?
Sam: Sure. What do you have in mind? Guess how much longer she can keep helping Cliff without losing her mind or having nightmares?
Carla: (Laughs) No. Actually it's not about those two, it's about us.
Sam: (Surprised) About us? Do you want to have a sports or a drink making contest?
Carla: (With a mischievous grin) Better. A flirting contest.
Sam: I can't, I'm married now.
Carla: Who cares? Just keep the ring in your pocket and problem solved. I just want to see if there's any of the old Sammy left.
Woody: The bet doesn't include sex, right?
Carla: Not for Sam, but hopefully it does for me (laughs).
(Sam and Norm laugh at the comment)
Sam: (Takes off his ring and puts it in his pocket) If I'm gonna play fair, (pulls a condom out of that same pocket and hands it to Carla) I want you to play it safe.
Norm: Sammy, what are you doing carrying that in your pocket? Aren't you and Diane supposed to be trying to have a baby?
Sam: We are. I didn't put it there for me, I put it there for occasions like this. Just like Carla with the pregnancy tests.
(Norm and Carla smile)
(...)
(Cliff and Diane stroll through the streets of Boston. Diane is wearing a navy-blue summer dress and Cliff is wearing a button-down shirt and suit pants)
Cliff: Well, how am I doing?
Diane: You've improved a lot in a short time. I'm actually pleasantly surprised, Clifford.
Cliff: (Happy and excited) Really?!
Diane: Of course. Shall we test your progress?
Cliff: (Looks sideways, nervously) But there's no woman here. Well, you, but you said-
Diane: (Stands in front of him to stop him from talking) Clifford... I didn't mean to do it here. What I was suggesting is that we go to a bar and you try to meet a woman and see if you can talk to her.
Cliff: Oh, well, that makes more sense.
(...)
[Cheers]
(Sam and Carla are behind the bar when a very attractive woman in a short summer dress enters the bar. Upon seeing her, the two exchange a smile and Sam smiles at the girl, who smiles back and sits at the bar)
Sam: (To Carla) And people say it's in the spring when flowers bloom.
(Sam's target, now sitting at the bar, smirks at his comment)
Sam: (To the girl) What would you like to drink...?
Customer: Ellie.
Sam: Ellie.
Ellie: (Flirting) I don't know, something sweet, refreshing and that will get me in the mood without alcohol. What do you suggest?
Sam: (Flirting) That fits those characteristics, there are two options, but only one of them is a drink (laughs).
Ellie: (Flirting) I think I'll try both.
(Sam turns away, happy and content, he and Carla high-five and Sam goes to the fridge and pulls out melon, sparkling water and mint to make a mojito like the one he and Diane had in Barcelona. As Sam cuts the fruit, a former Red Sox player enters the bar and Carla looks at him excitedly)
Carla: (Quietly, to Sam) Sammy! It's Tom Seaver! Tom Terrific! The Franchise!
Sam: (Cheerfully to Tom) Hey, Tommy!
Tom: (Happy to see him) Sammy!
(Sam taps her on the back to encourage her to go get the guy, Carla smiles and quickly walks over to the table where he just sat. Then she sits down next to him, smiles at him and the man smiles back)
Tom: Let me guess. Red Sox fan.
Carla: Yes. The kind who even knows the number of runs each player has scored.
(Tom is surprised)
Sam: (Referring to Carla) National treasure.
Carla: What will you have?
Tom: A Margarita.
Carla: Coming up.
(Carla goes to the bar, takes a glass and ice from the freezer. Sensually, she mixes tequila and Grand Marnier, squeezes a little lime while smiling at Tom, adds some ice, garnishes with salt and lime and goes to the player)
Carla: (Lies down on the table, hands him his cocktail and smiles at him) Besides Margarita I suggest Carla. It will help you warm up after so much ice.
(Tom smiles at the joke and grabs his drink to taste it. When Carla sees the ring, she stands up in annoyance)
Carla: No way! You're married?!
Tom: Since '66. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary.
Carla: And can't you just forget about that and keep the ring in your pocket for an hour like Sammy?
Ellie: (To Sam, surprised and angry) You're married?!
(Angrily, Ellie looks at the glass as if to throw it in his face, but realizing it is empty, she looks around slyly, quickly picks up the glass of water Sam just poured Phil, throws it in Sam's face and walks quickly to the door)
Sam: Ellie, it's not what you think! I wasn't trying to cheat on my wife! It was just a bet!
(Before Sam finished the sentence, Ellie had left the bar. Sam, sighs in resignation and looks at the empty cup)
Sam: In addition to wetting me, she left without paying... Although I guess I deserved the water.
Carla: I already warned you Diane would bring you trouble.
Sam: Carla, this time it was your fault.
Carla: (Sighs resignedly) I guess I have to get used to the idea. (Sad) We're not attractive anymore...
Tom: (Surprised) Is that what the bet was about?! Flirting to prove that it's not age, but physique and personality?! Carla, you're a very attractive woman. You have the body of a twenty-something. And you, Sam, I bet you anything that even at 70 years old with white hair, women will still find you attractive. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. If you don't believe me, ask anyone in this bar.
Norm: It's true.
(Sam and Carla, upon hearing this, turn and stare at him)
Norm: What?
(Sam and Carla look at each other, smile and go back to their work, calling the bet a double win, since Sam did hit on the girl and the man Carla flirted with found her attractive, even though they did not get far in the end due to the marriages of both men)
(...)
(Cliff and Diane walk into a bar and look around to taste the waters. When Cliff sees an attractive woman in a fancy green dress and heels, he looks at Diane, nods and approaches her while Diane sits close enough to hear their conversation, but far away enough to remain unnoticed)
Cliff: Is this seat free or are you waiting for someone?
Woman: It's free.
Cliff: Great. (Sits down)
Diane: (From a distance, quietly and to herself) Go, Clifford...
Cliff: Do you come here often?
Woman: No. This is my first time. I just came from a baptism and I needed a drink.
(Cliff laughs at the comment, imagining how boring or dispiriting such situations can get)
Woman: Are you a regular customer?
Cliff: No. It's my first time too.
Woman: What made you come in here...?
Cliff: Clifford. But call me Cliff.
Woman: Evelyn.
Cliff: Evelyn. It's a beautiful name.
(Diane, from her seat, watches Cliff, tense and nervous, as a man approaches her)
Man: Excuse me, are you alone?
Diane: (Without even looking at him, paying attention to Cliff) Yes.
Man: Then can I sit down?
Diane: (Without even looking at him, paying attention to Cliff) If you can bend your knees...
Man: (Laughs at the comment) I see you're not interested.
Diane: (Turns to him nervously) I'm sorry, please, don't get me wrong. I don't have any problem with you, it's just that I came to help a friend get a date and I'm waiting to see how it turns out. Besides, I'm married.
Man: (Smiles resignedly) Don't worry. I hope it goes well for your friend. (To the bartender) Vodka rocks.
Evelyn: I know this isn't a question you should ask a stranger, but... how old are you?
Cliff: Let's say... I'm closer to 40 than to 30.
Evelyn: And how old is that?
Cliff: 47...
(Diane, hearing Cliff, sinks her face into her hands and huffs, completely exasperated)
(...)
[Cheers]
(Sam and Woody are behind the bar and Norm and Carla are seated facing each other, each at the end of a table. Each has a huge board with names and photos of women)
Norm: Is she blonde?
Sam: Yes.
(Carla and Norm start pulling down all the black-haired, redheaded and brunette women, Norm while drinking beer)
Woody: What are Mr. Peterson and Carla doing?
Sam: They're playing Guess Who?
Woody: No way. Guess Who? doesn't have that many characters. Their boards are so big they take up a whole table each.
Sam: It's not a store-bought game. It's homemade one. All the characters are girls I've slept with.
(Woody is surprised)
Carla: Does she have green eyes or blue eyes?
Sam: Yes.
(Norm and Carla pull down all the tiles of the women with brown eyes)
Norm: Is it Emma?
Sam: No.
Carla: Mia?
Sam: No.
Norm: Olivia?
Sam: No.
Carla: Scarlett?
Sam: No.
Norm: Emily?
Sam: No.
Carla: Grace?
Sam: Nope.
Woody: Sam, I don't mean to interrupt you, but... M- (corrects himself) Diane said she would help me rehearse and she hasn't come back yet. Do you know where she might be?
Sam: No idea. I'm gonna call her.
(Sam takes his cell phone out of his pocket, dials Diane's number and waits for her to pick it up)
Sam: No, everything's fine. It's just that Woody was asking for you. (...) Ok. (Hangs up and looks at Woody) I don't think she'll be long.
(...)
(After a couple of minutes, Diane runs into the bar and signals Woody to go into Sam's office. Meanwhile, Norm and Carla continue to play)
Norm: Addison?
Sam: No.
Carla: Marie?
Sam: No.
Norm: Claire?
Sam: No.
Carla: Audrey?
Sam: Nope.
(Cliff, who was walking behind Diane, comes into the bar. Norm, seeing him in a suit, chuckles)
Norm: Cliffie! What are you doing dressed like that? You didn't have a date with Diane, did you?
Cliff: No, not with Diane.
Carla: (Turns and looks at him with a smirk) So Sucker Clavin had a date. How did it go?
Cliff: Bad. (Sits down on his usual stool) Sammy, pour me a beer.
Sam: Coming right up. Carla, could you give me a hand? Now that Woody's busy rehearsing, I can't handle it all.
Carla: (To Norm, getting up from the chair) Duty calls.
Norm: (Stands up, picks up his empty beer mug and walks over to his usual stool) So does beer.
(...)
(After a while, the bar is finally less crowded. Sam is still behind the bar and Norm and Carla are once again sitting in front of their boards to finish their game)
Sam: Aren't Woody and Diane taking too long?
Norm: I wouldn't worry about those two.
Sam: That's not what I'm worried about. I know they're just rehearsing. I'm just saying that because they haven't stopped all day. I think I'm gonna get them some water. I bet they're thirsty from all that talking.
(Sam bends down to pick up two small bottles of water and heads for the office. As he opens the door, Woody and Diane can be heard yelling)
Woody and Diane: Stellaaaaa!
Norm and Carla: Stella?
Sam: Woody and Diane win.
Carla: (Angry, she stands up abruptly) What?! That's unfair! They weren't even playing!
Sam: Ok, then all four of you win, but I'll split the prize. For Carla, Diane and Woody, half a day off tomorrow; for Norm, half the beers he drinks a night for free.
(In the office, Diane looks at Sam frowning, rather confused)
Sam: Don't ask. I just came to bring you this. (Gives them the bottles of water)
(Diane and Woody take the water and, as Sam walks away, Cliff peeks out the door)
Cliff: How's the rehearsal going?
Diane: Very well.
Woody: Diane has given me some very useful tips and I think I'm improving as an actor. (To Diane, tired) Although, if you don't mind, I'm gonna take a break, I'm beat.
Diane: (Smiles) We'll continue tomorrow. We had an intensive session today.
Cliff: Do you mind if I come in? I'd like to talk to you about something important.
Diane: Sure, come on in.
(As Cliff closes the door, Diane sits down on the couch and takes another sip from her water bottle)
Diane: What is it about?
Cliff: My fear of commitment.
(Diane, hearing those words, slowly raises her head to look at him)
Cliff: I don't know how much you and Sam talked about everything that happened at Cheers while you were away, but once, years ago, I went the furthest I've ever gone with a woman.
Diane: (Very surprised) You were engaged?!
Cliff: No. Well yes, but with a mail-ordered girlfriend. In the end nothing happened. Anyway, that's not the woman I was talking about, I was talking about a fellow postal worker. When the relationship got serious... I... lost my sight...
(Diane, hearing this, is quite surprised)
Cliff: (Embarrassed) And when the vision problem went away, I lost mobility from the waist down.
(Diane, hearing this, puts her hands to her head. She was perfectly aware that helping Cliff was going to be challenging, but the problem was even worse than she imagined. In an attempt to gather her thoughts and her motivation to go on, Diane takes a deep breath, looks at him, stands up and walks over to Sam's chair)
Diane: (Gesturing to the chair) Have a seat.
(Cliff sits down)
Diane: Well, why do you think that happened?
Cliff: I have no idea. I guess it was because I was scared.
Diane: Of what?
Cliff: Of being with a woman.
Diane: And what do you think is causing that problem? Is it because you're afraid of letting her down? Is it because you don't know how to intimate with a woman? Or is it because, having never been in a serious romantic relationship, you feel awkward, your brain doesn't fully process what is happening, and it stop working properly?
Cliff: All of them. But especially the last two.
Diane: Your case is similar to those 20-somethings who never had a teenage romance and it's in their youth when they get to experience things that most people did much earlier. Only that you're 20 years behind them...
Cliff: Do you think... there's a way to fix it?
Diane: I guess there is, but I'm not a psychiatrist, you should talk to a professional.
Cliff: You studied psychology in college.
Diane: Studying a subject at university cannot be compared to working in that field. I've only used psychology in academia and in applying my knowledge to literature, in the creation of plots and characters. What you should do is go to a real psychiatrist or psychologist, someone with experience in the clinical field.
Cliff: (Desperate) Diane, please...
Diane: (Sighs resignedly) All right, all right... I'll try to help you...
Cliff: Thank you. What... What do you have in mind?
Diane: I don't know. Let me think. (She remains silent for a few seconds while she reflects on the matter) Now, the problem arises when talking to women you don't know and when it comes to love relationships, because you don't seem to have problems with friendships. I don't even mention Carla because she despises you, but take me as an example. I was also a stranger to all of you years ago, when I first came to the bar. And, if I recall correctly, you had no problem interacting with me.
Cliff: That's 'cause I wasn't interested in you.
Diane: (Somewhat annoyed) Thank you.
Cliff: No offense. I meant romantically. Besides, you were meant to be engaged. To this day, I'd say you're the only female friend I have.
Diane: I don't know how to feel about that. But back on topic, I think the most practical thing for you to do when you're interested in a woman is to start with a friendship, and then move on to something more. Perhaps the headlong leap into a relationship it's what's causing your blockages. Moving progressively should solve, at least to some extent, that problem.
Cliff: Okay. So the first step would be to fall in love, right?
Diane: Exactly. It's just a matter of time and being open to dating.
Cliff: Hey, Diane, you wouldn't happen to have any books on that subject at home?
Diane: Now that you mention it, I think I have some. I can look for them and bring them to you tomorrow.
Cliff: Would it be pushing you if I asked you to please look for them now? I'd like to start as soon as possible. If I brought that kind of book to the bar, Carla would pester me. The only moment I have to read is before I go to bed and after lunch, before I come to the bar.
Diane: What time is it?
Cliff: (Looks at his watch) 8:30 p.m.
Diane: We have time. Let's go. (Leaves the office and looks at Sam) Do you mind if I leave earlier today?
Carla: Leave? In the time you've been here today, you haven't worked a single minute as a waitress.
Diane: I guess I took tomorrow's half day off in advance then.
Carla: Half a day is four hours. You took the whole day off.
Diane: All right, all right. I'll make up the hours tomorrow and the next day.
Sam: As long as you don't ruin our date on Saturday, I won't complain.
Woody: Where are you going on Saturday?
Diane: Boston Public Garden and Boston Common. Picnic and walk.
Sam: In the afternoon, we're between going to play some sports or going to the movies.
Carla: I vote for sports. Going to the movies you would spend all day arguing about what movie you wanna see; doing exercise you can always hit Diane in the head with a ball (laughs).
(Diane looks at her with a resignation smile and then looks at Sam)
Diane: I'll wait for you at home.
Norm: Cliff, are you leaving too?
Cliff: Yes, Diane is gonna lend me some books. I'll be back as soon as I drop them off.
(As they leave, Carla looks at Sam and Norm)
Carla: Those two are up to something.
Woody: You don't think they're having an affair?
(Norm, who was drinking beer, and Sam, who was drinking water, almost spit out their drinks with laughter at his question)
Carla: No. I meant that Diane must be helping him with something.
Norm: Like being less annoying?
Carla: For example. She's doing a good job with that keeping him out so many hours (laughs).
(Sam and Norm laugh)
Sam: Come to think of it, Cliff has been less annoying with trivia lately.
Woody: And he's been wearing dark socks.
Carla: Do you think he's trying to change because he likes a girl?
Sam: Probably.
Woody: So Diane would be like his teacher and his fairy godmother, right? 'Cause there's no way Mr. Clavin would have feelings for her, right?
Norm: Cliff for Diane? (Laughs) Fat chance. He'd never go for Sammy's girl. It's probably what you said about the fairy teacher godmother.
(Sam and Carla stare at him and laugh)
Norm: (Puzzled) What?
(Sam pours him another beer and looks at him with a grin)
Sam: Last one of the day. And let me drive you home today.
(...)
[Malone's house]
(Cliff is watching TV on Cheers II while Diane looks for books in her room. When the show ends, Cliff turns off the TV and goes upstairs to check on Diane. When he gets to the bedroom, he is surprised to see her on the bed sleeping with several books around her and a notebook open over her face. With curiosity, he starts to look at the books)
Cliff: (Quietly) How to love a difficult man, by Nancy Good. (Confused) Is this psychology or self-help? (Opens the book) A dedication? (Reads) "I know you're used to books written by renowned psychiatrists and psychologists, but I saw this in a bookstore window on my way home and I thought of you. I hope this helps you a little to get over Michael. Love, Lindsay". So Diane had other boyfriends... Well, I guess that's not weird, it was a lot of years and she's quite attractive. (He puts the book on the dresser and keeps looking) The McGill Report on Male Intimacy; Psychology of the Unconscious, by Jung; Symbols of Transformation, by Jung as well. This one is thick... (Leaves the books on the dresser and keeps looking) Cold feet. Analysis on men and women with fear of commitment, by Simon Finch-Royce. (Smiles) Hey, that's the Englishman who came to Cheers once. (Leaves the book on the dresser and keeps looking) Commitment Aversion or Inability to Maintain Long-Term Relationships? Study on the Male and Female Psyche, by Lilith Sternin. This one is by Frasier's ex-wife (laughs). (He picks up the last book and opens it where Diane has the bookmark) Understanding Gamophobia: What are the Roots of Fear of Commitment?, by Niles Crane. Isn't that Frasier's brother?
(Carefully, Cliff sits down on the bed next to Diane and starts reading Niles' article)
(...)
[Malone's house. Morning]
(Diane is still asleep in her bed, only now she is covered with the duvet, the notebook is over her head instead of her face, her hair is kind of messy from tossing and turning in bed, one of her arms is stretched out towards the headboard, and Cliff is sleeping next to her. Oddly, they are now both in their pajamas. When Diane wakes up, she looks around and, seeing Cliff, her eyes widen in shock, clearly confused. Seeing a box of pills in the bed, she frowns in bewilderment and leans over to pick it up. Reading "Birth control pills", she opens her eyes wide in surprise and fearfully opens the box. The fact that it was unopened was already a good sign. To her surprise, the blister pack was rolled up as if it were a piece of parchment and, when she took it out of the box, it fell down, revealing a quantity of pills for almost five years. As Diane reads the number, she gasps)
Diane: 1800?!
(Frightened, Diane throws the pills into the air towards the bed and runs out into the hallway as fast as her feet can run)
(...)
[Malone's house. Late in the evening]
(Scared, Diane wakes up with a scream and the notebook over her head face falls and open on her lap. Cliff wakes up startled with the scream. Diane, startled, looks around and, seeing Cliff, screams again in fright and falls out of bed. Cliff, seeing her, is startled)
Cliff: Diane! Are you all right?
(Diane, breathing quite shakily from fright, looks at him and is surprised and relieved to see he is still in a shirt and suit pants. Then she looks down at herself, and seeing that she is wearing a dress and not pajamas, she lets out a sigh of relief as she smiles)
Diane: (Happy and relieved) It was just a dream... Thank goodness...
Cliff: (Confused) A dream? Did you have a nightmare?
Diane: A terrible one.
(As Diane stands up, her guts growl and she lowers her head in embarrassment as Cliff laughs)
Diane: I'm sorry.
Cliff: Don't worry. Being Norm's best friend I'm more than used to that sound. Although his is much more powerful.
(Diane smiles at the comment)
Diane: I'm going to make myself a sandwich and some juice. Would you like to join me?
(Cliff, upon hearing Diane's invitation, is quite surprised. Although he was one of the group, he often felt left out and was often teased or criticized, especially by Carla. What he was used to was conformism from the rest, inclusion and kindness were strange to him. That made him think of all the years Diane was away and compare them to the five she was on Cheers. She truly had an important place in that group. She had already offered him a helping hand on several occasions, such as when she accompanied him to the postman's ball or when she backed him up with karate and took him to the ER after he hurt himself with his stoic demonstration. When Diane peeks out of the kitchen doorway, Cliff comes out of his self-absorption)
Diane: What shall I put in your sandwich?
Cliff: Anything's fine, don't worry.
Diane: I was saying that because I was going to use spinach for mine.
Cliff: Make it ham and cheese.
(Diane, hearing this, smiles resignedly. People at Cheers were not exactly fans of vegetables. Well, Cliff was, but he enjoyed finding shapes more than eating them)
(...)
(After a while, Diane comes out with a ham and cheese veggie sandwich with a sunny side up egg and a beer and hands it to Cliff. Cliff, seeing it, is surprised)
Cliff: This is a club sandwich, not a ham and cheese one!
Diane: I thought if I made you a really basic one, you'd get hungry real quick. If there's something you don't like, you can remove it.
Cliff: Are you kidding? Other than my mother, you're the only one who's ever made me something like this.
(Diane smiles, brings her food and sits down)
Diane: Carla makes great sandwiches too.
Cliff: Yes, but she makes them for everybody. If she had to make me a meal, she'd give me a brick.
Diane: But that's because it's Carla. Norman always treats you well, and Sam, and Woody. They're not cruel to you. Usually...
(Realizing this, Diane grimaces as if to say "I shouldn't have spoken")
Cliff: It's true Norm invites me to lunch quite often, but... many times I don't feel loved even in my group of friends, so... I really appreciate what you're doing for me.
(Diane smiles and keeps on eating)
(...)
(When Diane and Cliff get up from the sofa to take the dishes to the kitchen, Sam enters)
Diane: (Surprised) Sam?
Sam: You ask as if someone else has our house key.
Diane: What are you doing here so early?
Sam: When Cliff didn't come back, I got worried, so I decided to come and check if he was still here or if something had happened to him. Don't worry, I told Carla to take care of closing the bar.
Cliff: (Surprised) Sammy... You... were you worried about me...?
Sam: Nobody wants to lose a friend in a car accident. I'm gonna call Cheers.
Cliff: (To Diane, moved and quietly) Did you hear that? He called me "friend".
(Diane smiles)
Cliff: Sam, was Normie worried?
Sam: No, Carla. Norm assumed you'd gone straight home.
Cliff: (Shocked) Carla was worried about me?!
Sam: No, more about Diane.
Diane: (Shocked) Carla worried about me?! That's not possible. She hates me...
Sam: She thought Cliff might have tried something with you.
Diane: Ah! What she was worried about was your reaction.
Sam: (On the phone) Carla? Yes, Cliff's here. (...) I don't know. Cliff, why are you still in our place? (Puts on speaker phone)
Cliff: Diane made sandwiches and treated me to a beer. That, and I fell asleep watching TV.
(Diane, seeing that Cliff modified the story to protect them from mockery, is surprised)
[On the phone] Carla: What a loser (laughs).
Sam: (Hangs up the phone) What kind of sandwiches did you make?
Diane: Cliff's ham, cheese and egg with lettuce, onion and tomato. I opted for a baguette with a spinach French omelet and mango smoothie as a drink.
Cliff: That reminds me of something... Did you know that if a human ate the liver of a polar bear, they would die from a vitamin A overdose?
(Hearing Cliff, Diane retches and runs out to the bathroom. Sam and Cliff exchange glances and run to the bathroom puzzled)
Sam: (To Cliff) You've been with her all day, was she sick before?
Cliff: Not at all, she was fine, as always. Was it because of what I said about the polar bear liver?
Sam: Maybe. (Disgusted) I'm feeling sick too, thinking about it.
(When Diane comes out of the bathroom, they both look at her)
Sam: Are you all right?
Diane: Yeah. I think the milk was spoiled. Or maybe it was the spinach, I'm not sure.
Sam: Probably the milk. It left it outside the fridge while I was doing my hair.
(Diane stares at him when she hears him. If there was one thing that characterized their mornings, it was that she and Sam needed the same amount of time to do their hair, and it was not exactly a short time)
Cliff: I think I should go home. Good night.
Sam and Diane: Good night.
(...)
(At night, Sam and Diane are both in their pajamas. Sam is in the living room looking at a sports magazine and Diane is in the kitchen making herself a cup of hot chocolate, this time with a new milk carton. After turning on the stove, Diane puts some milk in a saucepan and, spaced out, puts the milk carton on the stove and the saucepan on the counter. When she turns and sees that the milk is on fire, she screams startled and Sam rushes in. Seeing the mess, he is shocked and startled)
Sam: Get out of the way.
(Quickly, Sam wets a kitchen towel, puts out the fire and puts it over the milk carton. Then he looks at Diane somewhat worried)
Sam: Are you sure you're all right? You're kinda spaced out.
Diane: I had a terrible nightmare this evening... Cliff better stop this soon, or else I'm going to lose my mind.
(Sam smiles and pushes her gently into the living room)
Sam: Let me make you some chocolate. You've had a hectic day today.
Diane: (She stands on her tiptoes and kisses him) Thank you.
Sam: (Quietly, to himself as he puts the saucepan on the stove) I wonder what the hell she dreamed...