20. 涙

Tears

In the events following Yoh's abrupt departure from the Inn, Ren and Amidamaru both bore witness to the rarest of sights: a Yoh completely bereft of his usual cheery, unflappable optimism. He had led the way back to Ren's apartment, while the other two, not knowing what else to do, lagged behind, giving Yoh space both physically and emotionally. They only caught up to him out of necessity, as Yoh didn't have the key to Ren's front door.

Ren hastily pulled his keyring out of his pocket and fumbled with it for a moment, looking for the right key. He inserted it and turned the knob in one fluid motion. Ren looked up then, and his eyes met Yoh's. What he saw shocked him out of his long silence.

"Yoh, have you been crying the whole way back?"

Ren realized it was an insensitive question as soon as the shock wore off. He awkwardly stuttered an apology, but it was too late. Ren stared after Yoh as he stalked off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

For what seemed like the hundredth time that day, Ren and Amidamaru exchanged looks.

"Poor Yoh-dono!" Amidamaru wailed.

"Indeed. Whatever happened at the Inn, it was nothing but bad news." Ren slowly walked to the kitchen. "I can't help but think that this may be … the end of an era."

Amidamaru saw Ren's grave, pensive expression and hesitated. "Ren-sama, although the situation may not warrant it, I believe we must take the philosophy of Yoh-dono to heart. 'Everything will work out.'"

Ren nearly dropped the glass he had retrieved from the cupboard. "But Yoh himself doesn't believe that everything will work out anymore." He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of milk. "I saw it in his eyes, Amidamaru. Yoh's a broken and hopeless man."

"I, too, saw it. Not in his eyes, but rather in the manner he carried himself on the way home. Candidly, Yoh-dono rarely demonstrates perfect posture, but it almost looked as though he were a marionette with no one manipulating the strings. Whatever transpired at the Inn, it left him a hollow shell of his former self."

Ren took a slow, thoughtful sip of milk. "What do you think happened? He was awfully quick. I get the sense that he started his speech, but Anna cut him off and told him to leave before he could finish."

Amidamaru put a hand on his chin. "Yes, that certainly sounds plausible. Unfortunately, without Yoh-dono here to tell us what really happened, I am afraid this is all conjecture, and ultimately unhelpful."

Ren made a face and slammed his glass down on the countertop none too gently. "Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have let him enter the Inn alone. My mere presence could have changed things."

"Come now, Ren-sama," Amidamaru said encouragingly, "it is crucial that you not blame yourself. If either one of us failed in our obligations, it is I." His hand left his chin and clenched itself at his side. "I could have performed reconnaissance and warned Yoh-dono not to proceed if it appeared that Anna-sama was in ill humor."

"Yeah, well," Ren said, "what's done is done. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and all that. I'm much more concerned with what we can do for Yoh right now."

"My initial instinct is to comfort him," Amidamaru said, "but I feel that right now, he simply needs time to himself."

"So we just stand around and chat about the weather, then?" Ren asked snidely. "This is a waste of time. I was never so coddled as a child as to be allowed to throw temper tantrums." Ren deposited his empty glass into the sink and made his way around the countertop. "Yoh will get over this a lot faster if we help. Come, Amidamaru. We're going."

"Wait!" Amidamaru cut in. He had reflexively put his hands upon his sheathed blades.

"Oh," Ren said, taking in the samurai's aggressive stance, "you're going to stop me, are you?"

Amidamaru lowered his hands to his sides quickly. "I apologize, Ren-sama. Mere force of habit. But I implore you to wait! Perhaps there is more to be gained from thinking about the past than we realize. Did you notice anything out of place when we visited the Inn?"

That got Ren to stop in his tracks. "Hmm," he mumbled, closing his eyes as he coaxed his memory to cooperate. "The common area did look as spotless as it always did. That's odd, considering Yoh hasn't been around to clean it."

"Indeed," Amidamaru said thoughtfully. "Ren-sama, incidentally, have you ever known Yoh-dono to wear shoes?"

Ren quickly shook his head. "No. Well, he's borrowing a pair of mine for his new job, but he only wears them at work. It's sandals all the way for him."

"Oh?" Amidamaru looked as though a sudden bolt of inspiration had struck him. "Then why do I seem to recall seeing a pair of shoes just inside the doorway?"

Ren's hair spike seemed to pop out ever higher in shock. "You do?"

"Yes! I am certain of it now, Ren-sama," Amidamaru confirmed, looking down at Ren's loafers. "They could not possibly belong to Anna-sama, either. They looked like yours, as a matter of fact."

Ren's mind raced as he stared wide-eyed at Amidamaru. "Do you - does that mean …"

Amidamaru nodded solemnly. "It does seem to indicate that Anna-sama was entertaining a male visitor when Yoh-dono came to call on her."

"What?!" Ren demanded. "That's - I can't -"

"We must remain hopeful and refrain from jumping to conclusions, Ren-sama. Perhaps Anna-sama has simply solicited the services of a tutor to assist her with school."

"Like hell she did!" Ren exclaimed. "Anna's never had trouble with school before. Yoh needs to know!"

Ren approached the bedroom door once more. Amidamaru desperately raised one of his ghostly hands in a vain attempt to stop him. "Yoh-dono is already in low spirits. No good can come of this! Your rash words will drive him off the brink of despair!"

Ren sighed. "You're right. I won't mention this to him."

Amidamaru bowed deeply. "Thank you, Ren-sama. Cooler heads have indeed prevailed -"

"But," Ren interrupted, "I'm still going in there to talk to him. I need to know what happened, and he can't hide from the world forever. All of this sulking alone will do him no good."

Seeing that there was nothing he could do or say to stop him, Amidamaru merely nodded and watched as Ren threw the door open and stepped through boldly.

He got two steps into the bedroom before he froze in his tracks.

Yoh was sitting cross-legged on the bed, leaning over his Soul Bob poster, which he had unrolled before him. Ren watched as a tear splashed onto it.

Yoh sat up straight, moving his hands off the poster. It rolled itself back up with a rustle. He frowned at Ren with whatever energy he could muster and said, in a defeated, exhausted voice, "You know, Ren, this is all your fault."

Ren would normally never have brooked such an accusation, but one glance at Yoh's face was enough to soften his reaction. "I suppose it is," he admitted, biting into his cheek a little as he did so. "I'm sorry I suggested trying to talk things out with Anna. I should have -"

"That idea was fine, Ren," Yoh said. His voice was razor-thin and just as cutting. "I meant all the stuff you said and did to convince me that Anna loved me."

Ren didn't quite understand what Yoh was getting at. "Did she tell you it's over, Yoh?"

"No. She didn't have to." Yoh may have been emotionally drained, but Ren could still see the pure anger in his eyes. "You were so sure," he said, "so certain that she loved me. You got me to believe you. And you were wrong. Tell me, were you just mistaken? Or did you mean to hurt me? Because if you did, bravo. Mission accomplished."

Ren was about to proclaim his innocence, but he hesitated. "Wait, Yoh. I have no idea what happened back at the Inn. All I know is what I saw and what you told me. Can we talk about that?"

Yoh scoffed. "You barge in here without even knocking, and now you ask permission. Classic Ren. Well, are you going to take 'no' for an answer? Or was it rhetorical?"

Ren sucked in air through his teeth. "Yoh, if you say you don't want to talk about it, that's good enough for me. I just want to help, is all, and it's quite difficult to do so without knowing what exactly happened when you and Anna talked."

"This is what happens when you try to help, Ren," Yoh hissed, pointing to himself with both of his thumbs. "A young man gets his heart broken. Yeah, it turns out it's not actually that helpful to get a guy's hopes up with lies and manipulation."

Ren found that he was beginning to rise to Yoh's bait. "I wasn't lying," he insisted, "nor was I trying to manipulate you. I was giving you advice based on the best information I had available to me. I truly believe that you and Anna belong together, Yoh -"

"Do you? Well, you better forget about it. It's over, Ren."

Annoyance was starting to color Ren's cheeks. "How can you know that, Yoh? You haven't told me anything else, but the one thing you did say was that she didn't say it was over. Why are you so sure?"

Yoh made an exasperated noise and put his fingertips to his temples. "Are you dense? I shut myself in here because I don't want to talk about it. It's over because I say so. And if that's not good enough for you, the door's right behind you."

Ren, growing ever more frustrated, seriously contemplated leaving at that moment. He had already shifted his weight to the balls of his feet to pivot toward the door. Suddenly, though, he narrowed his eyes and turned his full attention to Yoh once more. He thought about how quick their visit to the Inn had been, and how Amidamaru had seen shoes there, and how Yoh had confirmed at least twice that Anna hadn't told him their relationship was over …

Maybe, he realized, Anna hadn't told him anything at all.

Maybe Yoh had spoken to - or merely seen - the person whose shoes had been laid at the doorway, and connected the dots.

"Yoh," Ren said, his voice as soothing as he could manage. "You didn't say a word to Anna, did you?"

Yoh seized the pillow beside him in a white-knuckled grip and furiously flung it across the room. The two boys watched as it smacked the wall and slid lifelessly to the floor. Yoh looked just as devoid of energy as the pillow. It was taking all of his strength simply to form a response to Ren. "Will you just leave me alone?" he pleaded wearily.

"No words were necessary, were they?" Ren continued, maintaining his calming tone. "You saw Anna talking to a new friend and drew your own conclusion. It all makes sense."

Ren watched as the last bit of Yoh's resolve faded from his eyes. Then he nodded slowly. He gave a huge, shuddering sigh and reclined back onto the bed, staring into the ceiling. "That's how I knew we were done."

Ren found himself approaching the bed, but with some hesitance, as though he were a witness being called to the stand for cross-examination. "Yoh, I know that it is human nature to assume the worst and leap to conclusions. I completely understand how you might surmise that your relationship is beyond salvaging based on what you saw. But hear me out with this."

Ren was standing over Yoh now, looking down at his limp body lying on the mattress. "I would think that this is as trying a time for Anna as it is for you. And nothing is quite so reassuring in times of distress as surrounding yourself with friends. Perhaps that's all Anna's trying to do. Maybe in all of her grief, she needed a friend to help her pull through. So she made one." Some measure of desperation had crept into Ren's voice, as if he were trying to convince himself as well as Yoh.

"No, Ren," Yoh said, in a voice stronger and steadier than Ren had been expecting. "You weren't there. You didn't see what I did. Believe me. It's over." He made a big show of breaking off his eye contact with Ren and crossed his arms. "Look, I'm impressed. I don't know how you figured out that I saw another boy there. But I really, really don't feel up to talking about this anymore." He turned his back on Ren, rolling over and lying on his side.

For a moment, Ren stared intensely into the back of Yoh's head, as though hoping his piercing gaze could penetrate his skull and give him a peek into what had really happened. Then he sighed, seeing that he had reached an impasse, and walked away.

"Ren-sama!" Amidamaru practically bellowed as he emerged into the living room. "What insights into the situation have you managed to -"

"You were right, Amidamaru," Ren interrupted, unable to keep the details of his talk with Yoh to himself any longer. "Those shoes belonged to another guy."

Amidamaru flinched. "I curse my inaction! I could have confirmed that fact undetected if only I had scouted the Inn myself."

"Don't worry about it, Amidamaru. He told you not to," Ren said brusquely. "What's more important is that Yoh didn't even get a chance to say anything to Anna. That speech he was working on all day went unrecited."

"Oh?" Amidamaru asked, inching his way closer to Ren. "Was he given a choice in the matter, or was Anna-sama perhaps unwilling to listen?"

"I don't know," Ren admitted. "That guy's in no mood to talk about it in any more depth. I tried suggesting that Anna's visitor is just a new friend who was there to console her, but he wasn't having any of it. And I don't have the heart to press him any more about it."

Amidamaru looked at Ren skeptically. Ren scoffed. "What? I have a heart, Amidamaru." The samurai made an exaggerated show of innocence; Ren blew a raspberry and picked up where he had left off. "He was so adamant that the mere presence of this new boy meant that Anna had moved on. But why?"

Amidamaru looked thoughtful yet deflated. "It is impossible to tell with the information we have now. We can only wait until Yoh-dono decides he is ready to share with us what happened."

Ren knew Amidamaru was right, but he looked unsatisfied to leave it at that. A smile began to take shape on his face as he said, "Or …"

Ren drifted off, unsure of how to phrase his idea. "Amidamaru," he said instead, deciding to try a different tack, "you and Yoh share a bond that transcends mere earthly existence. I have a hunch that he may feel more comfortable sharing things with you than he did with me."

The samurai looked insulted. "Ren-sama," Amidamaru said, a bit of steel cutting into his voice, "your words are flattering, but your ulterior motive taints them."

"Ulterior motive?" It was Ren's turn to feign innocence. "I'm merely stating facts. You want to know what happened at the Inn, too, don't you? I'm just saying, if that's what you want, you'd probably be more successful than I was."

Amidamaru bowed his head toward Ren. "I apologize for my rash words, Ren-sama. Let us say for the sake of argument that you are correct. From what you have told me, and from what I have seen, Yoh-dono seems inconsolable. I fear there are no words -"

"You don't need any words," Ren cut in. "Just … be there for him, Amidamaru."

Amidamaru said nothing, but drifted to and fro slightly, lost in thought. Ren, not wanting to be too heavy-handed, excused himself and walked around Amidamaru to turn on the TV. He flipped through the channels for a while, looking for something that would absorb him enough to take his mind off things. Most of the stations were either too boring or too riddled with static to watch. He clucked his tongue and looked up -

Amidamaru was gone.

Ren smiled to himself. "Good luck," he said softly.

Amidamaru certainly needed it. He had drifted into the bedroom, but stopped short of the bed when he saw the state of its occupant. He had rolled over again in his fitful, restless sleep, and was now facing the door. His eyes were shut tightly, as if they were trying to block out the visions of a haunting nightmare.

Suddenly, Yoh's entire body convulsed. He sat upright with a start and started looking around the room frantically. His panicked glances soon picked up Amidamaru's presence.

"Yoh-dono!" he said, relieved yet concerned.

"I -" Yoh blinked slowly and allowed the room around him to cement itself in his mind. "I think I was having a nightmare. Was I screaming? Is that why you came?"

"Yoh-dono -" Amidamaru was about to tell the truth, but stopped himself. "Yes, you were yelling. You deserve a long rest, one uninterrupted by disturbing thoughts. Come, Yoh-dono. Integrate with me, and let us rest together. We shall dream of happier times."

With weary eyes, Yoh focused on Amidamaru's familiar smile. Slowly he extended his right hand to Amidamaru. In a swirl of ghostly energy, the samurai took his spirit ball form and merged with Yoh. He rolled over on his back and closed his eyes. Soon, he was drifting off to sleep, occupied with visions of days spent walking around town with Ren and Horohoro, of afternoons lazed away upon a grassy hill at the park, of evenings in the cemetery conversing with spirits …

Yoh slid the door to the En Inn open. From either side of him, he felt the nervous tension that was radiating from Ren and Amidamaru. He kicked his sandals off and pushed them beside the door with his feet. With one bold step, the deed was done. Yoh was inside. He turned around to give his companions one last look. Yoh and Ren exchanged thumbs-up gestures. Emboldened, Yoh set off down the hallway, but he came to a halt just a few steps later.

The door to the onsen had been left open. Wisps of steam were escaping into the hallway. Anna would never allow for such carelessness. Nor would she tolerate the trail of water that had been left by somebody very recently exiting the showers.

The men's showers ...

Anger started to displace the hope that had welled up inside Yoh's chest. His curiosity piqued, he took a few more steps and chanced a glance into the showers. He immediately wished he hadn't. Whoever had just used them had also left behind his clothes.

All of his clothes.

Forcing himself to stay calm despite the naked young man who had doubtlessly come before him, Yoh stealthily slunk up to the open door and shimmied his way into the onsen. The babbling of the hot spring and the steamy atmosphere concealed his movements from view, but kept him from seeing or hearing anything as well.

As he tiptoed closer to the edge of the water, he thought he heard a voice. He scampered behind a rock as quickly as he could without alerting anyone to his presence.

From his new perch, he realized it was definitely someone talking. He strained to hear over the murmuring hot spring and soon made out Anna's unmistakable voice.

"You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. Wearing something this revealing and expecting you not to get … excited. But I got the result I was looking for, so can you blame me?"

"So you're not upset by the fact that I think I'm falling for you?" a male voice replied.

"No. I must be giving off some kind of mysterious vibe to all the boys around me. First Makoto and now you."

"Would you say it's mysterious? To me, there's no mystery. You were just very kind when you had no obligation to be."

"Well, I wasn't very kind when I was arguing with you. I owe you an apology. And I owe you a date. What say you and I go out for ice cream? My treat."

Yoh's mind seemed to block out the answer to this proposition in the interest of self-preservation. Every last word he had just taken in was a fresh blow to the gut, and now he was doubled over, helpless and nearly blinded with pain. He wanted to scream; he wanted to leap out from behind the rock and confront Anna and her new plaything; he wanted to fall to his knees and beg Anna to take him back.

But in the end, as usual, it didn't matter what Yoh wanted. Life would go on. Everything would work out - though not necessarily to his liking.

The steam from the hot spring, the snippets of conversation that drifted his way, even the very walls of the Inn themselves, seemed to be pressing down on him. He could bear to stay there no longer. It was someone else's home now, and he was an unwelcome guest at best and a trespasser at worst.

So he left. With numb steps he slipped out from behind his rock and out of the onsen. He said goodbye to the showers, farewell to the stranger's underwear, so long to the common room.

The numbness he had felt on his way out began to dissipate once he saw Ren waiting for him just outside. Feelings of betrayal rushed to his head as Yoh thought about how Ren had laid the first domino of this disaster and enticed him to set it in motion with his smooth talk about how Anna certainly loved Yoh.

Now was not the time to confront him.

Instead of glaring at Ren, he glared at the door of the Inn.

"You were right, Anna. I never should have returned."

Yoh's words hung in the air even as he stalked off down the path to the sidewalk, abandoning the Inn - and all of its inhabitants. The tears he was shedding onto the pavement stones were the only sign that he had ever been there. Soon, those would be gone too, like so much steam escaping from the onsen, ephemeral and ethereal.

To be continued in Chapter 21