AN: A gentle reminder that this fic deals with an already triggering and sensitive subject of sexual assault. It's mentioned in this chapter again, please take caution before reading. Also, the subject will come up again in later chapters as the story progresses and Tris and Eric learn to trust each other fully.
After Eric left, our team in the control room spotted who we strongly believed was Evelyn on the cameras, and Zeke and I ended up staying almost two hours after our shift as we helped guide troops. Eric had come back to the control room immediately since he was still on light duty, and he'd stayed right by side glued to a monitor and barking commands to the troops like he'd never left.
The person we had spotted ended up eluding our teams on the field, and leadership made a decision to keep teams out of the faction around the clock. I knew there was a good chance I'd be sent out eventually, and when Zeke talked quietly about it with Eric I noticed he and Eric kept sharing looks.
"Are we being sent out?" I ask.
"My team will be third in line." Zeke replies.
"Am I still on your team?" I ask and I watch as Zeke and Eric share another look, "Just say it." I said angrily.
"You've not been cleared yet." Zeke says quietly and I scowl at him.
"How am I here working if I'm not clear?" I hiss.
"Light duty, like me. You're recovering." Eric murmurs and he threads his hand with mine, squeezing me slightly.
"I don't get it. Who has to release me?" I ask and Zeke and Eric glance at each other again, "Stop it. Just fucking tell me."
"Myron has to first make the recommendation, then a recommendation from your supervisor," He glances at Zeke again and Zeke nods, "then Four will have to sign off on it." Eric replies.
"Let me guess, none of those things have happened." I reply and Eric tips my chin so I look at him.
"Not yet, but you're getting there."
"Myron hasn't even recommended me, has he?" I ask and Zeke sighs.
"Tris, for Myron to recommend you, we'd have to ask him." He says carefully.
"I can ask him then!"
"It doesn't work that way, Tris." Eric says softly, "Four had to petition for me to be released initially, and Myron and I worked out a plan for that to happen, however that was an exception. Now, I am under the normal protocol to return to leadership and full duty."
"You don't think I can do it?" I look between Eric and Zeke, "Which one of you has to do this?"
"Either someone in leadership or me as your supervisor." Zeke admits, "You're doing a great job, and we're glad to have you back."
"I will just talk to Four then. I'll ask him to request that I'm released." I reach for my phone.
"He and I have already talked about it, Tris. We just need to make sure you're ready for that again." Zeke says.
"Eric, you can petition, right? Now that you're back in leadership you can do this. Please." I beg.
"I think we should talk to Myron first." He reaches for my face and pushes my hair behind my ears.
"Do you think I am ready?" I press him. I can see the conflict on his face, and the hesitance he has to answer me is answer enough. I pull away from Eric and move to stand, "I need air." I head to the door and Eric blocks me.
"Where are you going?" He asks as he holds the door closed with one hand.
"Where do people normally go for air, Eric? Outside. Move."
"Outside where, Tris?" He presses and I turn around angrily.
"The fucking roof. Don't worry, you won't have to scrape me off the pavement below. Are you going to keep me here, Eric? Will I need to get your sign off to go back up there?" I spit.
The scanner beeps and Eric moves his hand, allowing the door to open and Tobias to walk in. I push past him and head down the hall, ignoring Eric's pleas for me to wait for him. I know with his cast there's no way he can keep up, and I just blindly run until I get to the hatch, and then climb the ladder to the roof. The air is whipping and colder, and I wrap my arms around myself once I have both feet crunching on the gravel. I look over to my left, seeing the ledge I had climbed on when I was last here and I shiver involuntarily. I walk over to it robotically, hearing my blood rush and the pounding of my heart as I slowly put one foot in front of the other. I put my hands on the rough surface, rubbing back and forth where I remember climbing up, thinking about that night for the first time in a long time.
"Tris." I hear Tobias's voice, but it sounds like it's so far away. I keep looking over the ledge and I feel warm hands grab my arm, and I'm pulled against a solid chest, "What are you thinking?"
"I just need space. I'm not going to jump." I say and then I sob. I feel my legs crumpling under me, and he sits down and pulls me on his lap.
"I know you're not." He says quietly and I feel him rocking me, my back is pressed to his chest and his arms are wound around me, "You've been through so much, it's okay to cry. It's okay to not be okay."
"No one thinks I can do this. I'm a part of this faction too." I cry.
The elevator doors open and I hear the scrape of Eric's boot, along with his frantic voice asking if I'm okay. I tune them out, screwing my eyes shut and trying to curl in on myself, but when Tobias loosens his grip on me I feel myself being pulled into Eric's lap. His familiar scent fills my nose and I breathe him in. Hot tears fall onto his shirt and his arms wrap around me. His fingers trail paths up and down my back, and I feel his lips press to the top of my head before he rests his chin there.
He talks to Tobias, about what is beyond me because I couldn't concentrate on them. I can hear the rumble of Eric's voice, and each time he's finished speaking he presses his lips to my head and then rests his own against it. His hands have traveled under my shirt, and they are warm against the skin of my lower back.
They must now know that I never should have left the institution.
"You've come too far to actually believe that." Tobias's voice comes back into focus and I didn't even realize I'd said that out loud. I hear Eric telling him we will be fine and he's got me. The gravel crunches as Tobias walks to the hatch and when it closes behind him Eric's fingers knead the skin on my back.
"I'm sorry." I say in a broken voice.
"What did I tell you about apologizing about things that are outside your control?" He retorts.
"I stormed off like a child." I reply and I feel his chuckle.
"Okay, maybe that was within your control, but I've been a childish asshole many times since we've been back. You're nowhere near even with me." He replies and I smile briefly before pressing my lips to his neck.
"Thank you."
"My pleasure." He murmurs, "Do you want comfort or conversation?"
It's something Myron has worked on with both of us - giving us simple tools to help with our communication. We had both separately confided in Myron that we were struggling to have conversations, and the first time I used the phrase on Eric he blew up at me. After that disastrous first attempt, we've been much better at expressing ourselves.
"Both?" I question while looking at him and he kisses me chastely.
"I can do both."
So we sit in the cool air talking, with me remaining on his lap even though I protested it had to be uncomfortable for his leg. He listened, waiting for me to finish my messy thoughts about not being released for full duty before speaking and quietly offering me his support. No matter how many times I would get angry and lash out about my place here he wouldn't let me revert back into my safe shell - which was saying I shouldn't have come back here. He calmly reminded me that neither of us could be here without the other's support, and then he once again offered to help me carry my burdens when they became too heavy.
"You're Paul." I murmured.
That drew a laugh from him and I can't help but smile back at him. His initial reaction when I told him he was acting like Paul was anger, until I explained it was a good thing, at least in my mind.
"You love him more than me, don't you?" He smirks at me.
"I love him because he is you. I always told you that a memory wipe couldn't change your personality. I love you, Eric, so much."
"I love you too." He said without hesitation and he wiped a rogue tear that had escaped down my cheek, "It's not just something I've read, it's how I feel about you now, Tris. That's why I want you to live with me, and why I want to call you my girlfriend, or maybe even my wife one day. I know I've been a jerk, and I'm trying, I promise you that I am."
"You want to be married one day?" I ask.
"Yeah, I do." He nods against me.
"I don't know why, but I never thought you'd be the type to want to settle down and be married." I admit.
"I've never necessarily been against it, however It wasn't on my radar because I didn't allow myself time to let my guard down and just be with someone. I didn't care, I mean I hooked up occasionally, but nothing ever serious. My life was my job. I can't promise I won't get wrapped up in work again, but it's not going to rule my life like I allowed it to before. I want to live outside of that office, and I want a normal life for us." He replies.
"Sounds like the white picket fence, a dog and two point five kids. Much more domesticated than the wild animal you can be." I chuckle and he smiles at me.
"Do you want to have kids one day?" He asks suddenly.
A simple enough question, but it completely derails me, and I move away from him.
"I should get back to work." I reply and he frowns at me as I try to stand. He tries to keep me on his lap, but I move away and try to get space.
"Why can't you answer me?" He asks.
"Zeke is probably flipping out right now. I mean, I'm sure Tobias told him all is okay, but he's still pretty protective of me." I avoid his heavy gaze and the question.
"What aren't you telling me?" He asks as he struggles to stand with the awkward air cast on his foot.
"Let me help." I reach for him and he sighs but accepts the help and once we're both standing he doesn't let go of my hand.
"Whatever you're upset about right now isn't in the journal, is it?" He asks.
"Please just drop it."
"No." He shakes his head.
"It doesn't concern you." I say and I immediately regret it, especially when I see the hurt flash on his face.
"Really? You tell me you love me, and you know that I love you. I'd say a couple who is in love should be able to discuss their future." He replies angrily.
"I need to get back to work."
He grabs my phone and makes a call, all I can hear is his side of the conversation that I quickly realize is with Zeke. He tells my friend that I'm fine, but that I need the rest of my shift off for us to deal with some things. Even as I try to protest and take the phone, he just turns from me and keeps talking, all while keeping my hand tightly threaded with his own. When he finally turns to look at me, he wipes stray tears from my face and slips my phone back into my pocket.
"Tris, I want to know what's going on." He prompts and I look down at the gravely roof.
"You can't fix me."
"I'm not trying to." He argues, "I need to know what I'm getting into here."
"Getting into? Really? I've not asked you to expose your entire past to me!"
"I also didn't try to kill myself due to my past." He replies angrily and I yank my hand back from his, "Tris, I'm sorry, that was harsh."
"Harsh?" I laughed through tears, "I get it, I tried to throw myself from this roof. Crazy ass Tris doing crazy ass reckless things as usual."
"Please stop. You're not crazy." He argues.
"Do you think I left the institution too early?" I ask.
"Yes." He replies without hesitation and when I try to move away from him he holds me tighter, "Let me finish. You asked if I thought you left too early, not if I think you should go back."
"Should I?"
"No." He replies just as quickly, "You've grown. You've learned how to let people in. You've not allowed the decisions you made after the war to alter the decisions you're making now. You've allowed me to carry it when you can't, and when I was down you carried everything. You're strong, stronger than me, and there's no way in hell you should be in that place where they won't even let you have a real fucking fork or ketchup."
I can't help but laugh, and when Eric wipes the remaining tears from my face I pull him to me and kiss him soundly, "Thank you."
"I love you, but I also can't let that cloud my judgment when it comes to decisions I make about you. Or about us. You're not ready for full duty mentally, nor am I. We'll get there, together, okay?" He says carefully.
I just nod, and Eric pulls me to his chest in a hug. It's the first time he's openly admitted he's not mentally ready to be here either, and for right now, it's enough.
"Tris?" My name is a question as it slips from his lips, and I lean back to look at him, "Do you not want kids?"
"I..." I choke back a sob and he rubs my back and lets me calm myself, "After the...chasm... I was...I got..."
"No." He shakes his head and leans his forehead to mine, "You don't have to do this."
"You need to know." I cry out and he wipes my face with his warm hands, "I ended up pregnant, and I didn't want it...so when I found out, I immediately scheduled to terminate...and...I've been fucked up ever since."
"The roof..." He trails off.
"At first, I was going to go to the chasm and jump in...it was just two days after the procedure...but I couldn't go there, not to the place it happened...not to the same place he supposedly jumped. I tried talking to Tobias, but I heard him with another girl when I was about to knock on his door...Christina was always with Will...everyone around me was coupled off and happy and I was the stupid girl from Abnegation who got pregnant from a sexual assault by someone who I thought was my friend...and I just kept it all in my head, so I just focused on finishing the last couple of weeks of training... and then we went to fucking war and I lost everyone and I just wanted to end it all."
He lets me cry, and keeps mopping my wet face with the sleeves of his jacket. When my swollen eyes dare to meet his again, I see he's also been crying and I reach up to wipe the last few rogue tears from his cheeks.
"Eric..." I trail off.
"Thank you for trusting me with that." He finally says and I can feel my chin quiver, "Everything in the journal is what you shared with Paul. This is the first time you've shared with me and fuck babe... thank you so much for trusting me."
"No more secrets." I murmur and he pulls me flush with his chest.
"No more." He agrees.