Part 5:

I'm dwelling... and it's utterly petrifying, whispering dark nothings into my ears. It burrows and burrows until it reaches my brain. Then, it spreads into every nook and cranny until it feels like my head is going to explode.

But I must dwell. I must dwell because I need to anticipate any situation. But currently, the one that has its sharp claws in me is Sasuke's touch... and how, had I let him do more than just smell me, I would have broken down and permanently etched myself into his soul in that way.

And then, I would never be the same again. I would never look at him the same again, knowing that I tasted the sweet nectar of heaven, and would do anything to make sure no one would ever get close enough for even a whiff.

My Otouto is so young that his brain is not fully developed to comprehend the weight of his actions, the consequences of them. I do not have that luxury.

If he had made me his, given himself to me in ways I can only conjure up in my dreams, then I know I'll drag him back if I ever catch wind that he doesn't want me anymore... that I was a mistake.

I won't survive my angel leaving me. I've known that since Sasuke was born, and, every day, the realization hangs over me like a noose. The mere insinuation burns my lungs. I feel like they're on fire while being drowned simultaneously.

I can see myself doing unsightly things, nasty things, just to prevent that from happening. Like I've said, I am a man without morals. Getting my hands dirty means nothing to me if that means my baby will forever be with me. The only redemption I seek is in his hands.

My Otouto is my only anchor to this world. Without him, I am nothing. Without his affection, I crumble into dust. It sounds ridiculous, but he is the physical representation of my beating heart.

If he lives, I live. If he dies, I die. And if he ever leaves me...

"Aniki, are you ready to go?"

I blink and turn away from the body length mirror. I have been staring at the sash around my waist, and it must have been evident because, when my eyes settle on my Otouto, he frowns.

"What's wrong?" Sasuke utters, crowding my line of vision. "Are you not feeling well? Should we stay in tonight instead?"

He looks absolutely breathtaking in his silver and blue kimono. His delicate wrists peek out from under the roomy sleeves and his waist is cinched tightly with a sash similar to mine. With locks as unruly as ever, he stands before me with a glow of soft light emanating from him.

"Why would I ever raincheck a date with you, watashi no tamashi?"

Sasuke sputters at my remark and turns away, but I can see the tinge of pink on his cheeks.

"You look beautiful," I go on, unabashed, reveling in the timid, doe-eyed gaze sent my way. "Shall we go, Otouto?"

He nods and smiles softly at me, looking more and more like an angel sent down from Heaven to purge my soul.

I won't go into details about how dirty and tainted I am, but you can bathe my entire body in holy water for a month and the water will still run black. Given the direction my thoughts have gravitated toward in the last decade, I must admit that my path to Hell has already been paved many moons ago.

But enough dwelling for now. Especially when I have my beautiful baby walking next to me at the festival.

There are at least a hundred booths here and five to ten times the number of people. The Full Moon festival is one of the most popular events in Japan, and people gather from surrounding cities to roam the vendors.

There are so many red lanterns, traditional ones as well as ones shaped as golden dragons, fruit, and lotuses. It's shiny and bright and loud and crowded, and it makes me want to go crazy from overstimulation...

However, one glance at my Otouto, and my mind rests and my heart eases, melts really. Sasuke's eyes are sparkling brighter than the gold and red decorations, his lips are twisted in excitement, and he's nearly on the balls of his feet from twisting around to catch glimpses of all the food and game stalls.

He likes it.

He thinks it's magical.

And that's more than good enough for me.

I find my lips twitching from his contagious grin and his adorable ways. I love him so much from the bottom of my heart to the blood pumping through my veins. Pumping for him. Always for him.

I feel something warm and pliant slip into one of my hands, and I look down in time to be dragged across the walkway and toward a booth selling food.

"Aniki! Aniki!" He chirps even though he knows I'm standing right beside him. He doesn't let go of my hand when he stops and I have to refocus so I can take in his words. "Can we get some takoyaki?"

I want to kiss him so badly I can taste it on my tongue.

It feels like little ants are crawling around my heart and rib cage, because my chest feels tingly and my brain is buzzed. His hand squeezes mine and I hold on tighter.

"Anything you want, Otouto," I tell him.

A grin the size of Jupiter splits across his face and then he's turning toward the vendor and pointing at various toppings on the menu. As Sasuke edges closer to the booth, leaning over to watch them fill the molds, his hand loosens and slips out of mine.

A tsunami of devastation smashes into me, leaving me grasping at thin air. Momentarily, I forget how to breathe and my chest pain is akin to a heart attack, and the more I will myself to not take it to heart, the more I fixate over it.

The depraved part of me hisses and growls from within like a childish fiend. It whispers to me that Otouto did those things to me and, therefore, was mine to hold forever. But the reasonable part of me counters back just as viciously, stating the facts: Sasuke has always been mine from the very moment he took his first breath.

Any mind reader would call my thoughts atrocious and wicked, but they don't know what true love is. There is nothing I will not do to keep my Otouto by my side forever. I would say I could easily stain my hands for him, in more ways than one, but that ship sailed years ago.

"Aniki, just the regular ones for you, right?" I hear him say. I glance over without realizing it, and I see my beloved's face fall. Otouto's lithe fingers are clutching onto the sleeve of my kimono, and he's shaking me lightly. "What's wrong, Aniki? Why do you have that look on your face?"

My lower lip spasms and my chin falls briefly. I'm irritated. God, it's hard to be what my Otouto needs sometimes when I'm overly emotional about the stupidest things and obsess over everything. I can't school my emotions fast enough when I get in that zone, and it leaks out all over my hardened, cold features.

I shove down my agitation, straighten up, and clear my throat, making sure the emotions I display are evenly balanced. Neutral. Calm. Calm. "Nothing's wrong, Otouto," I reassure him with a small smile.

I pat his head gently and ruffle his spikes, and that diverts his attention. Sasuke wrinkles his nose adorably and pouts. He crosses his arms in front of his chest and stares at me in mock aggravation. That only encourages me to pat his chipmunk cheek lightly with the tips of my fingers. I turn toward the vendor to hide my growing smile, ignoring the tingling in my fingertips, and retrieve my wallet to pay the vendor.

"You treat me like I'm five," Sasuke grumbles like he does often without any heat, immediately abandoning his demeanor when the vendor hands over the tray of takoyaki. His eyes light up like a candle in the dark and he thanks the man behind the booth.

"I treat you like I adore you," I tell him as we begin walking with our respective trays of steaming hot takoyaki.

"Mhmm," my Otouto hums, an entire ball shoved in his mouth.

His casual, acquiescent tone and chipmunk cheeks make my heart flutter. He agrees with me. I feel satisfaction and relief simultaneously.

Sasuke grins at me like he knows what he just did, but he probably doesn't. If he did, he wouldn't act so cavalier.

"Oh, you're smiling again, Aniki," he exclaims, delight brimming in his eyes. Completely different from my eyes, which always try to swallow him whole. "What were you thinking about earlier that made you so sad?"

Sad was an understatement. I was nothing short of crestfallen. If I was miserable because of such a ridiculous reason, I can only imagine how I would react if he were to leave me. I would go crazy.

It couldn't hurt to be honest just this once, right? What's the worst that could happen from being honest?

"You let go of my hand." I attempt to say it offhandedly, but my words sound miserable and pitiful even to my ears.

My angel stops walking suddenly, and I'm forced to stare at my untouched tray of takoyaki in my hands as Sasuke's eyes glide over to analyze me. I steal a quick glance at my Otouto. He looks pensive, but not put off, which quells my anxiety a bit.

"You're so silly, Aniki," Sasuke says after a second. "Don't be sad over something like that. You can hold my hand after we're done eating, okay?"

My heart squeezes in my chest, and elation spills over my entire soul. I stare at my Otouto, mouth slightly agape at such a perfect answer, and seeing me flabbergasted brings a bright grin to his face.

"Looove you, 'Tachi~" he sings as he begins walking down the path again.

I swear my heart skips two beats, and the only reason I haven't collapsed brain-dead yet is because I want to relish the little bounce in his step as he smiles at me over his shoulder.

My Otouto is my entire world. He effortlessly makes me feel whole.

I follow my Otouto toward a bench. Sasuke picks the one that's furthest from all of the festivities and noise, and it does not fool me for a second that he's doing it for him. He can walk, talk, and eat in the midst of any crazy party, but he knows I like peace and quiet.

"Let's sit here till we're done eating," he tells me with a grin as he sits down on a bench made out of stone and sets his food down. I follow suit, but stop short when he stands again.

My brows furrow. "Where are you going?"

I wince when my own anxiety pierces my ears. I hold my breath, hoping Sasuke doesn't notice it. His expression doesn't change as he speaks so I relax a little.

"I saw a vending machine by the entrance earlier. I figured I could get us drinks. It'll only take me a secon-"

"Sit," I command. My Otouto pouts, but does as he's told. See? He's such a good boy. "I'll go grab it. Stay there. Don't go anywhere, Otouto."

"I know, I know," he says as if he's annoyed, but he laughs and swipes his hand through his ink-black locks. "You say that all the time, Aniki."

"And I mean it."

"Aye, aye, sir," he says with a mock salute.

How is he so fucking cute?

I ruffle his hair and give him one last stern glance before I walk quickly toward the entrance. I always feel unsettled in these moments. Moments when I have to leave my Otouto alone for a split second or minute. Moments when I can't glue myself to his side and protect him. But if I voice these concerns to Sasuke every time they haunt my mind, Sasuke will look at me like I'm crazy, call me overprotective, and eventually he'll get annoyed and mad at me.

Sasuke doesn't like it when I fuss over him like that. But I can't help it, because it's not just a habit. It's an impulse soaked down to the bone like muscle memory, and it's uncontrollable by nature.

I do my best to be quick, but there's a short line at the vending machine. Three people are ahead of me, and as the seconds tick by, I grow increasingly disgruntled.

Leaving Sasuke alone for such a long period of time makes me unbelievably antsy. I need to get back before he gets distracted, or worse.

My Otouto has a tendency to act like a magnet, attracting pests from all around with an inhuman force. People approach him without reserve, try to get his attention, and whisper misleading gossip to him. It doesn't help that he's so popular at school and the entire female population is after him. Even when he rejects them, he does so in such a nice way that it doesn't deter th from reapproaching. It's concerning.

I don't bother to buy myself a drink. I snatch the strawberry milk in one hand and I'm cutting across the meadow as I speed-walk back to the bench I left him at.

I pray for an easy find. Pray to see my precious Otouto eating undisturbed at the table we chose away from the crowd. Pray that he is waiting for me, too.

But it isn't the kind of night when my prayers are answered. The food is still there, but my Otouto is missing. A part of me is so angry I feel like clutching onto my chest and screaming my lungs out.

I can't catch a break.

I feel dread fill my lungs so quickly they're flooded by panic, and I can't breathe. I forget how to and my grip is so tight around the box of strawberry milk that it's starting to fold underneath the force. My chest hurts and it burns, and my throat feels like it's closing as my head jerks left and right.

"S-Sasuke," I call, but my voice is so strained that I can't even hear it. I take another breath. "Otou-"

"Aniki, I'm back."

I whip around so fast that whiplash could have easily set in. The carton drops on the floor and tumbles a few feet away. I don't know what kind of look is on my face, but as soon as he sees me, his lips tug into a frown.

"Aniki?" he says, carefully this time like I'm some sort of ticking time bomb. I probably look like one.

"You said you wouldn't go anywhere!" I half whisper, half hiss. My hands clutch his shoulders as I draw him close to me. "Why did you leave? Where did you go?"

He looks up at me with confusion. "I went to the bathroom," he tells me. My chest is still rising and falling at an alarming rate, and it takes me a full minute to register his words. "I sent you a text that I'd be gone for a minute."

I whip out my phone, and I realize that, in the midst of my rush to return, I hadn't bothered to check such a thing. "It doesn't matter. I told you not to go anywhere."

Sasuke's lips twist further into a frown as my words come tumbling out. I'm doing it again, but it's impossible for me to control it.

"Why are you getting mad at me? It's not like I did something heinous. I just needed to pee really badly."

I don't know how to tell him that he should wait for me to go with him. That I'll follow him to the ends of the Earth if he would just let me. That he can't go anywhere without becoming a magnet for harassment. That it's not safe to be by himself. Would he think I'm fucking paranoid if I say that?

"I- That's not what I-"

"You've been acting weirder than usual, 'Tachi," he says to me. The spot between his brows furrows cutely.

Fuck. Now, he's worrying.

"I'm sorry. It's nothing," I say quickly. I look away, unable to meet his searching gaze.

"Is there something that happened recently?"

Images of Kyuubi, of staring at his retreating back as he disappears amongst a crowd of people and even images of the bedroom flash before my eyes, and my chest constricts. It feels like a heart attack. I grit my teeth in an attempt to keep my expression neutral.

"No, Otouto. Maybe I'm just more tired than usual."

Sasuke's features soften considerably, and suddenly, I feel his warm fingers clasp onto mine. Just like he had promised. Nevertheless, it's surprising. "Then let's go home, Aniki," he says with a small smile. He nudges my arm with his own and starts walking toward the exit.

"But the festival, Otouto," I grunt as I stumble briefly when I bend down to pick up the carton of milk.

My Otouto glances back at me with a look so serious that it's hard to believe he's the one wearing it. "You're more important than the festival." He smiles softly at me over his shoulder, but doesn't stop walking. "I'll make you a cup of hot green tea and we can watch a movie instead. Is that okay?"

He's so beautiful. His kindness penetrates me like a dart soaked in poison, the sweetness seeping into my system like a drug and immobilizing me, ruining me forever. I know I keep saying it, but I love him so much that it hurts. I want to grab his cheeks and kiss the hell out of him until he can grasp even a sliver of a percentage of how much I adore him.

But I don't want to scare him. Like I said, my Otouto is young and impressionable. I don't want him to feel suffocated by my kind of love. Not like that.

Instead, I nod, hold his hand tightly, and follow his lead. We walk past all of the festivities, rides, and booths, and Sasuke doesn't spare them a single glance. A part of me wonders if he's disappointed and sad that he's missing out on an event he was so excited to attend, but that same smile is planted firmly on his lips, and that helps ease my anxiety a bit.

"I'm sorry, Otouto," I tell him when our feet finally hit the sidewalk and we begin our short walk home.

"Hm? Why are you sorry, Aniki?" He stops briefly and cocks his head.

My palm starts to sweat in his. "Because I was acting funny, we had to leave."

He quirks an eyebrow. "So should I tell you to go home by yourself, and go enjoy the festival?" he says teasingly.

I know he's joking. He would never do that. But he ran away from me just the other day when he was angry, and I had no way of finding him, so that's a blow too close to home. "Don't say things like that," I plead. He wouldn't say things like that if he understood the magnitude to which they affect me.

I don't realize I'm squeezing his fingers that tightly until his face twitches and his hand jerks in mine. I let go immediately. I don't trust myself enough not to get carried away when this is the topic of conversation. I feel like I need to sprint a marathon and scream the entire time just to shake off these nerves.

Sasuke looks at me knowingly. "You know I would never do that, Aniki. Spending time with you is much more important to me than a festival."

I stare at the hand that slides underneath my downturned gaze, waiting for me to hold onto it. My face jerks up to stare at Sasuke, flabbergasted, before I latch onto it and entwine our fingers. "Aishiteru, watashi no tamashi."

Sasuke grins with a bounce in his step. "I love you, too, Aniki," he chirps.

True to his words, my beloved Otouto ushers me to the couch when we get home and he's hustling and bustling with the kettle in the kitchen as he hums a melody to himself. I should be looking for a movie, but instead I stare at him from the corner of my eye, completely mesmerized.

It's moments like this when I feel truly blessed. My Otouto is so kind, generous, thoughtful, giving, and lovely. He spreads joy by simply existing.

Despite the obstacles we've come to face, my Otouto has always been such a sweet boy. Nothing can take that away from him.

H.J.

I have a secret.

Recently, Aniki asked me why my world can't just revolve around him. I didn't acknowledge it at the time because I didn't want to complicate things, but the truth is Aniki is my world. I don't see anyone or anything other than him. And it has always been that way.

Aniki makes me feel loved. He makes me feel safe and heard. He makes me feel warm. He is my home. And he always has been. The world is Aniki, and Aniki is my world.

I know I get mad at him sometimes, but I would never leave him. It's impossible. I know because I won't survive without him. He's my rock even if he acts like a mother hen ninety-nine percent of the time.

Aniki has a bad habit of being so focused on taking care of me that he doesn't allow himself to be taken care of. That's why I enjoy these moments when he's docile and tired. He lets me spoil him and do things for him that he would normally not allow of me.

I set a mug of green tea on a coaster on the coffee table, and when I look back, Aniki is looking at me. I grin. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Itachi pats the cushion next to him instead, thumping his hand faster when I don't immediately oblige. I find myself laughing and plopping down next to him. He tosses the blanket over my lap and drapes his arm over the back of the couch... and then, Aniki is turning his body and leaning over in front of me.

I catch a whiff of his scent before I feel his soft lips brushing against my temple. The combined sensory overload is enough to make my heart melt. As quickly as Aniki leans forward, he retreats.

"Thank you, my sweet baby," he utters, turning away to pick up his mug.

My heart stutters oddly in my chest and I feel heat rise to my cheeks in an uncomfortable way. I swear, if he put those moves on any girl, they'd swoon. Even his gentle tone and the way his eyes softened as he pulled back had given me a start.

I find myself grumbling as questions gather at the forefront of my brain. Where did Itachi pick up such flirtatious moves from? Was it a past girlfriend... or boyfriend?

My chest squeezes again, but the discomfort this time is borderline painful. I'm not used to feeling like this. It's okay to tell Aniki, right?

"...Aniki?" I mumble.

"Hmm?" Itachi responds over the low buzz of the television.

I turn my entire body to look at him. In the dimly lit living room, I can still clearly make out the details of his face: his chiseled jaw, his dark silky tresses, his firm lips, and even his flourishing lashes.

His broad shoulders are well sculpted and I can see the outlines of his muscles even though he was still wearing his kimono. He looks like a god sitting there.

He's looking at me curiously, waiting for me to respond, but I can't help but stare and forget what I wanted to say.

"You're... beautiful." I breathe the words out like they're aching to be released. My low whisper must sound weird. It definitely does to my ears.

Flashbacks of that morning filled my brain with overstimulating thoughts, and I find myself biting down on my bottom lip.

Aniki's eyes reflect astonishment. They widen considerably and his mouth parts slightly, but he's so perfect no matter what expression he wears that I can't bring myself to look away. I must be dazed because the next words that tumble out of me are not vetted by my rationale.

"You're so beautiful that it makes me wonder how many people you've been with."

I feel bad now because Aniki looks like he swallowed something sour. "Otouto-" he begins, and I know that admonishing, let-you-down-easy tone because I interrupt him before he can deprive me of what I currently feel.

"My chest hurts."

Instant alarm shrouds Aniki's face, and his hands are on me, skimming and prodding. "What's wrong? Where does it hurt? Has it been hurting long? Why are you just telling me now? I need to take you to the hospital."

His speech is so rushed, and his movements are so jerky because he's panicking. I think Aniki misunderstood me. I grab onto his hand that's directly over my heart and squeeze.

"I've been feeling funny lately, and I don't know why," I admit as both of my hands grip onto his and settle it onto my lap. "It feels funny when I look at you and when you kiss me, but it hurts when I think about how you've been with other people. It feels like I'm dying."

I've never heard Aniki's breath hitch, much less hitch so loudly and breathlessly, until that very moment. He goes from panic-mode to instant stillness, and his sudden change in behavior scares me. "Am I really going to die? I don't want to die. I don't want to be away from you."

"You're not going to die," Itachi whispers.

I can't tell what he's thinking because his head is bowed and his bangs are shrouding his face.

"Then why do I feel funny when I look at you and touch you, Aniki?" I squeeze his hand, begging him to give me the answers that I've spent nights ruminating over, but Aniki doesn't look up.

"I... I don't know, Otouto."

I'm appalled. If Aniki doesn't know, then who does?

"When did this start?"

I think hard, and I can't find myself arriving at a satisfactory conclusion. "I don't know. Maybe when I touched you? No... before that. I don't know when. It feels like a long time ago."

Itachi's hand flexes in mine, and I'm nudging myself closer. "Aniki? Why aren't you looking at me? Did I say something wrong?" I duck between Aniki's lap and downward turned face to put myself in his line of vision, startling him again.

He jolts up and clears his throat, and I'm privy to a tinge of pink dusting the apples of his cheeks. "Don't do that, Otouto," he chastises, causing a pout to form on my lips.

"Fine. But can you tell me why you're acting so weird? I said something bad, didn't I?"

"No, you didn't, Sasuke. I was just surprised. Tell Aniki: what does it feel like in your chest?"

I trace my fingers along Aniki's strong fingers as I respond. "Just weird," I mutter. "I swear, sometimes, it stops beating for a split second and I panic because I think I've got a heart condition or something. Sometimes, I feel warmer than usual. It doesn't bother me too much. It's only when I think of you with other people, then it hurts."

"...I see. Does it happen when you think of anyone else?"

"I don't think so. But now that you mention it, if you don't know, I should experiment and see if that happens. Maybe I can find a direct correlation between-"

"No. I forbid it, Otouto." Itachi's angry tone jolts me out of my musings. "I can tell you right now without you doing such a thing that it only happens with Aniki. No one else will make you feel that way."

My brows scrunch up for a second before a realization dawns on me. I point accusingly at Itachi. "You totally know what's wrong with me!" I screech.

Aniki looks away and that's instant confirmation right there.

I find myself letting go of Itachi's hand as I try to get him to look at me, but he won't. Instead, I crawl into and straddle Itachi's lap with a successful grin and press my hands onto his shoulders. Aniki's body stiffens underneath mine, and I know I've got him dead to rights.

"You do know!" I exclaim when I see the guilt and unease in his expression. "Tell me! Come on, 'Tachi. Tell me. Pretty please?"

My breath is shaky and excitement clouds my countenance. The mere thought of finally knowing why I've been weird lately showers me with a great sense of relief.

The more Aniki sinks back into the couch and ignores my pleas, though, the more I crowd him and invade his space. At some point, I go from asking questions to just laughing as I bob and dodge in unpredictable directions, attempting to get Aniki to look at me. I do not realize how close I am to his face until I feel Aniki's hot breath on my cheek and something hard crushed underneath my bum.

That's when Itachi's hands latch onto my waist and lift me completely off of his lap. He sets me down gently on the sofa and is out of his seat in an instant.

I'm left in a daze from being manhandled, but what truly leaves me speechless is Aniki's behavior.

Did I accidentally crush his hip bone?

But I look at Aniki carefully this time, and even though his back is turned and his yakuta is rumpled, I can see how hard he's breathing from the way his shoulders move irregularly up and down and the way his body shudders.

"A-Aniki?" I call to him as I slowly stand and reach a hand in his direction. "Are you okay?"

Silence.

I feel self-conscious. Like I've somehow made him hate me just now. Did he get fed up with my obnoxiousness?

"What's wrong? Did I make you mad? I'm sorry," I whisper as I latch onto the hem of his sleeve and give it a little tug. "I'm sorry, Aniki."

My voice is small and my ability to accept Aniki being mad at me is even smaller, but I don't let go. Not until he looks at me like he always does.

"Did I hurt you? I'll stop, so come back, so we can watch the movie together. Please, Aniki?"

"I'm tired. I'm going to turn in for the night."

Itachi's voice sounds strained. It's concerning.

"Are you getting sick? You said you were tired. Plus, your face was kind of red earlier and now your voice sounds hoarse. Should I go run you a bath and make you some soup?"

"It's alright. I just need to get a good night's rest. Goodnight, Otou-"

"Then, can I sleep with you in your bed tonight?"

I can taste iron in my mouth as I wait for an answer. I feel like Aniki is trying to run away from me, and it makes my chest ache again.

It's unbearable.

"Maybe next time, Sasuke."

My whole world comes crashing down on me when Aniki pulls himself out of my grasp and begins to walk away. An impending sense of doom envelopes my body and I feel myself falling down onto my knees. A sob racks my body as I cover my face with my hands.

What did I do wrong?