Chapter 6:

I'm speechless.

My bottom hits the carpet as soon as I'm in my room, and my back knocks against the door I hastily shut behind me. I had run away like a bewitched idiot and part-time horn dog, my erection swinging between my legs like a touch-starved piece of meat. When I look down at my lap, my dick twitches in agreement, mocking my lack of control over my libido.

During his mischief, my Otouto had rubbed himself all over my lap, his soft, round rump brushing insistently over my member. Because I'm so large even at rest, the direct contact Sasuke made was instantaneous, gliding over the bulge between my legs. I felt him slide back and forth against me, the heat of his body and motion of his hips bringing instant hardness and pain to my groin.

My fingers fist the rug at my sides, and my head thunks against the door. Blood drips down the corner of my lips from where I bit down harshly on them, but the usual twinge of pain is numbed by my heart thrashing in my chest.

I almost lost it. I almost cinched my hands around his delicate waist, pulled him to me, and did unspeakable things to his perfect body… with or without his permission.

I can hear my teeth grinding in protest. In that split second, I was ready to throw caution to the wind.

Otouto. My precious baby.

What horrible things was I ready to do to you?

Sasuke had been wide-eyed and disarrayed by my abrupt behavior. I knew he'd been eyeing my shaky exterior when I had left him there on the couch, completely ignorant to the raging storm inside me that ached to be released into the world. Onto him. Into him.

But I left him….

My chest caves in with sharp pain akin to being buried alive: oxygen-depleting, life dissipating from the soul, last breathe had.

I. Left. Him.

I couldn't figure out how to deal with the situation so I denied him, left him, a-abando–

With a hitch of my breath, I find my elbows digging into my propped knees and my hands in my tousled hair once more, attempting to suppress a massive breakdown.

How could I do that to my beloved Otouto, the center of my universe? How could I say no to such a sweet, pleading request just because I was ashamed of myself? How could I let him down like that? How could I walk away from his tear-stained countenance? I should have been running toward him, not away… so why?

I want to justify it. I do. My brain filters through the plethora of reasons why I did something so unfaithful to my beloved tamashi.

'I'm protecting you from me, watashi no tamashi.'

'I want to treasure what we have.'

'I don't want you to hate me. Please don't hate me.'

'I'm doing this for your own good.'

'You're so young. I must protect you. Even if it's from me. I will not be a fiend. I will never turn into Otou-san.'

'I would rather chop off my own arms if it meant I could keep you safe. You are my universe.'

'Because I love you. Because Aniki loves you so much.'

But I had caught a glimpse of my beloved Otouto's crestfallen features before I departed. I snuck a peek because I needed to know he was okay. Because my eyes have been glued to him since the day I held him in my arms nearly two decades ago.

My Otouto was dolorous, and I felt my heart break into a million pieces like a glass figurine that could not be pieced back together. Is he crying all alone where I left him? The sharp imagery of his fat tears and muffled whimpers slices through my mind, causing me to grasp blindly at my chest.

Did he think I rejected him? Does he now think I don't love him anymore? Is he going to do something stupid? What if he hates me now? Oh god, what if he runs away again? What if he leaves me because he thinks I don't want him anymore?

Something breathless, but sharp echoes in my ears, and I realize that I'm breathing funny. My hands turn clammy, a cold sweat breaks down my entire body as if I'm experiencing a case of the flu, and my muscles ache so much from being clenched so tightly for so long.

My voice won't come out and my shoulders are jumping up and down, and, more importantly, I don't think I'm breathing correctly. There's a rasp in the air flowing in and out of my mouth as if a physical barrier suddenly appeared, siphoning off the entrance to my esophagus.

I'm hyperventilating.

The whole situation is ridiculous.

From what Sasuke said, I should be happy. I should be fucking ecstatic, but my heart is beating so fast and hard that I cannot think and gather my messy thoughts. What is wrong with me?

My loyalty lies with my Otouto. He is my entire world, and I love him more than words can express. He is my sun that shines bright, tickling my darkness with his rays of light. He is my God, and I am unequivocally his in any manner and role he desires.

Without him, I cannot function. I am only alive because of my Otouto. I exist for him. Without him, something as simple as breathing escapes me.

I double over, fisting my kimono that is now drenched in my sweat. The words I gasp out are between each uneven breath. "I… c-cannot… live… without y-you."

My erection has disappeared, but now I'm afraid of things worse than Sasuke finding out about my desires.

"Otouto," I rasp as I push myself onto my feet. The door knob slips a little in my grip, but ultimately gives under it. I'm stumbling down the hall at a pace close to running with my Otouto's name hanging off my lips. "S-Sasuke, don't leave me."

As the words tumble from my mouth, it sets off a chain reaction in my brain, inviting darker thoughts to enter while simultaneously increasing the fear and panic coursing through my veins. I press a hand to my diaphragm, willing myself to breathe, to think rationally, to plan for next steps, but it's like an iron wall has been placed inside my brain, instantly blocking anything logical processing abilities.

My shoulder bumps into the frame leading to the living room, and my eyes desperately search for my Otouto. "Otouto," I sob when I don't immediately see him, "where are you?"

I find my beloved boy curled up in a ball at the furthest corner of the room, his frame hidden slightly by a small bookshelf. Immediately, I'm on my knees in front of him, and the sight of him ceases my breathing.

His little body is shoved against the wall, and his beautiful features are hidden in his propped up knees and folded arms. He's trembling and as soon as I am before him, I can hear his soft cries and whimpers.

"A-Aniki…. A-Aniki… Ani…."

His muffled wails thump against my ear drums and shatters them. My broken heart feels like it has turned to dust, only for it to be resurrected and stomped on again. What have I done?

"Watashi no tamashi," I call desperately, pleading for his attention and forgiveness. My shaky hand reaches forward to pat his head, and I feel my Otouto still underneath my touch, recognizing my presence and voice. "Aniki is here. Aniki is so sorry. I love you so much. You are my angel and my baby, and I am so sorry I left you alone. I didn't mean to make you cry. That's the last thing I want, Otouto."

My sorrow deepens when Sasuke refuses to look at me. Something extends past the physical barrier of my body and chafes against my soul, grating against it as if grating carrots.

"No matter what happens, there is only you, Sasuke. You are my most important person. I hope you know that Aniki didn't mean anything bad. Aniki just needed a moment. My sweet Otouto is so lovely that sometimes Aniki has a hard time processing it. But I will never abandon you. Aniki won't survive without you, Otouto. I love you so much that I can't even breathe when I see you this way. Please forgive Aniki for being an idiot."

Sasuke's sobs grew louder, and just when I think I have permanently fucked up, my Otouto launches into my arms, tackling the both of us to the ground. His trembling body curls into me as his body splays on top of mine, and Sasuke is gripping tightly onto my already wrinkled kimono.

"Y-You're not a-allowed to l-leave m-me!"

My Otouto cries into my chest, and I get the impression that his grip will not loosen anytime soon. His words embrace my mind like a snug blanket, but they also cripple my soul, or whatever is left of it.

I loop my arms tightly around him, rearranging us so that I am propped against the nearest wall with my Otouto hidden in my lap. "How could I bear to leave you? I can't even bear the idea leaving you to go to work," I whisper in his ear as I soak in his scent.

My Otouto's proximity is like a sponge that soaks away my panic attack. He smells so sweet, and his tight grip on me gives me a peace of mind I didn't know existed. He doesn't want to let go, and as fucked up as the situation is, my body swells with euphoria because he needs me. As if on cue, Sasuke cuddles closer to my body, his knees pressing into my sides as if confining me to him.

"I-Is that w-why you f-follow me t-to school?" Sasuke asks quietly.

I nod, not the least bit shaken by such an innocent question. I have nothing to hide. "Yes."

"Is that also why y-you act like a protective boyfriend every t-time we go g-grocery shopping?"

I huff a laugh. My little cherub is cheeky. "Is that how you see me, Otouto? Should I use some industrial adhesive to glue us together, so you never leave my side again?"

He sniffles against the column of my neck, and his sobs slowly die down. "A-Aniki, you idiot," he whispers, nudging my shoulder.

He thinks I'm joking. It's best to allow him to think so.

"I am the biggest idiot," I acquiesce as my arms tighten around him, one around his upper back and the other around his waist, sweeping his body so close to mine that I can feel his heartbeat. Our hips press together and his chest is flat against mine, and all I can think about is how perfectly my angel fits against me. I press a kiss to the side of my Otouto's cheek that was peeking out from his hiding spot against my neck. "You were made for me, Otouto," I whisper against his flesh, brushing my lips against the same place twice.

Sasuke is still for a moment before he hides further into me, but not before I see his ears flush with color.

"Why did you say no?" his timid voice asks seconds later. "Why did you walk away from m-me, Aniki? Was it because I was being too goofy? Did I say something wrong? Did I make you m-mad?"

My Otouto wants to know. He has always been anxious about whether I'm mad at him. I can only speculate when his anxious habits regarding my temper began.

A particular scenario comes to mind, but I refuse to dedicate much thought to it. Not when I have the loveliest angel in my arms. Besides, none of it was ever his fault, of course. It was that despicable piece of trash.

Sasuke wants reassurance, but I'm not sure how much I should tell him right now.

I've sheltered my Otouto to the degree that he doesn't even recognize being in love. But that's good. It means he's never loved anyone else before. If he had…. I stop myself before I can spiral. I don't want to go there. There is no way I'd ever let it anyway.

However, this puts me in quite a pickle, because he can't identify the feeling he's currently experiencing with me. He probably doesn't even know the difference between platonic and romantic love, because all he knows is me, and there is no way for him to figure it out. It's not like he could ask around to see how people differentiated love in taboo situations.

A part of me is ecstatic, but the other part is skeptical. It surely sounded like Sasuke confessed to me, but what are the chances that he's jealous because he thinks I have past lovers rather than he's jealous because he doesn't want his Aniki to be taken away?

A huge sigh hangs off my lips. Should I tell the whole truth? Will that help or hurt our relationship?

My love finally presses off my chest and looks up at me with his sparkling obsidian gems. They're tainted red from crying and his cheeks are flushed, but he is still the most beautiful and loveliest boy I have ever had the blessing to look at.

"Aniki?"

The way he calls for me, so gentle and sweet, makes my heart flutter. Butterflies gather in my stomach when his soft hands press against my cheeks to draw my attention completely to him. Reflexively, my hands reach up to gently hold his wrists, pressing his palms closer to my face.

His touch purifies me of any darkness in my being, and I preen under the attention that he initiated. My Otouto must have been a goddess in a different lifetime. He's just so mesmerizing to look at. When was the last time I was able to openly stare at him while he was awake with no deadline to cease my thoughts- appropriate or not- about his angelic presence? He makes me feel so many different things.

I must be looking at him funny, because his gaze shifts from uncertain to bashful. "Aniki, stop looking at me like that," he finally mutters, looking away.

"Like what?" I murmur, hands dropping to caress his hips. "Why can't I look at you?" My tone takes on a teasing edge, but I can't help it. He's just so fun to tease.

He looks back at me, cheeks redder than a sunburn on a hot day. "Like… like, you know, like that time…."

Sasuke whispers it as if he's afraid the simple mention of that incident will set me off. As if he's walking on eggshells around me when it comes to that. I know I made him feel that way because of my untoward behavior, but it is simply unacceptable that he feels that he cannot discuss it with me.

I need to mend the bridges I have destroyed, so that my Otouto never feels that way again. "Shall we talk about that time?" I ask him, lips twitching when his eyes widen considerably in astonishment and his jaw unhinges. "Tell Aniki," I coax, guiding his hands to loop them around my neck. When I'm satisfied, my hands return to his waist.

"Aniki," Sasuke mumbles, "I think we're a bit too close."

We are staring at each other with less than a foot between our faces, Sasuke is literally straddling my hips in this position, and the way we are holding each other is very, for the lack of a better word, intimate. Because of that, my Otouto is shy, and I find it absolutely adorable.

I jostle him slightly in my lap to encourage him to look at me. He does so swimmingly.

"Does it bother you, watashi no tamashi? To be this close to Aniki… even though you smelled me last time?"

The crimson blush that takes over my Otouto's features is a sight for sore eyes. "It's- That's because you smell good," Sasuke says so quietly that I almost miss it.

My heart stutters and I choke on my own saliva, hardly believing the words that my Otouto uttered. "You… I what?"

I'm stupefied.

Sasuke covers his face with his hands.

"That time… I wanted to taste you, because you smelled so good," Sasuke's muffled voice admits. His palms slide off his embarrassed face. "But you got mad at me, Aniki. You hated what I did."

My Otouto looks utterly dejected, but it's all just a misunderstanding.

"Oh, my sweet Otouto, I've never hated your touch." I caress one of his cheeks tenderly, prompting him to look at me. "Aniki loves your touch, and most of the time, I love it so much that my body reacts and wants to lose control. That's why I have to take a step back. You understand, don't you, Otouto?"

Sasuke stares at me, blinking rapidly as he tries to process what I said. Finally, he exhales, brows softening. "So you're really not mad at me, Aniki? You don't hate me?"

Is that what he's fixated on?

"It's impossible to hate you, Otouto." I peck his forehead, and then his cheeks, under his eyes, his chin, and all over his face repeatedly as my words leave me. "You are the sweetest, loveliest, kindest, most thoughtful, most beautiful, and most endearing sweetheart ever, and you are all mine, Otouto. Aniki will never, ever hate you. If you knew how much Aniki loves you, then you would never think that again."

Sasuke squirms in my lap, eyelids fluttering underneath my ministrations. "Aniki," he mewls, fingers clasping onto my shoulders.

"Yes, my love?" I murmur.

"I love you," he tells me. The words are spoken with so much heart that I find myself breathless.

"I love you, too, watashi no tamashi," I breathe out, pulling him to me. "So, so much."

H.J.

It's another two days later that Sasuke serves me a slap to the face.

Figuratively.

It comes in the form of a piece of paper.

It's during dinner that he unfolds it from his pocket and pushes it shyly across the dining table with the bolded words highlighted at the top for my viewing. I take one look at it, and I want to ball it up and hurl it into the garbage and out of this house.

I bite the inside of my cheek to refrain from visibly showing my gritted teeth as Sasuke's innocent eyes blink hopefully at me from across the table.

"'niki?" his affectionate voice calls to me, effectively ending my pissing match with the wall right behind him.

I'm tempted to accidentally spill my miso soup all over it or light it on fire, but I don't because the last thing I want to do is make my Otouto sad.

"Mhmm. Yes, Otouto?"

"Can I go please?"

With the way my nails dig into the skin of my palms, setting the chopsticks down in itself was a difficult task.

"How long?" My voice comes out rougher than usual, but I'm afraid to look at my Otouto to gauge his reaction lest I accidentally glare out of my frustration for that pristine white slip before me.

"Umm, I think it's three days."

Unacceptable.

I can't even listen to anything else he's saying because I'm stuck on that detail.

Three days?

THREE DAYS?

I can't even survive a work day away from him without feeling like I'm chugging drain solution, and he wants me to give him permission to leave me for three whole fucking days?

I finally look up at Sasuke and he's talking animatedly about all the amazing plans on the itinerary. His eyes are lit with excitement and an adorable smile teases the corner of his lips. He's glowing, an entire sight to behold.

"It'll be one day sight-seeing, one day at the festival and one day visiting the shrine. Sensei told us we needed the signed form and to pick a roommate amongst ourselves, so we can list it on there, too, before we turn in the form."

I see red. Actually, I see so far past red, I'm staring at burgundy or mahogany or some crazy off-scale color.

"Roommate?" I reiterate sharply.

My Otouto's shoulders jump slightly, clearly startled by my sudden booming voice, and his smile weakens.

"Um, yeah, Aniki. We can't really live on the streets or sleep on the bus."

First, he wants to leave me for three fucking days, and now, he's telling me he'll be sharing a room with someone else?

Did he honestly think I'd be in my right mind to agree to such blasphemous terms?

"You're okay with leaving me for such a long time?" I respond thickly. It feels like there's peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth.

Sasuke's brows draw cutely together in the same fashion it does when something unexpected befuddles him.

"Is that long?"

Is it not?

Fuck.

"It'll pass by super quick, and I'll be home before you know it, Aniki."

In what universe will it pass by quickly?

Is this part of what they call youth, where teenagers want to hang out with their friends more than their family? Does he not understand he'll be away from me for three fucking days?

"I… don't think it's a good idea to go, Otouto," I tell him. The way his smile drops automatically makes me feel like the trashiest human being on the planet. I feel like I've let him down, like I've done something unforgivable. I might as well have since I put that expression on his face.

"But…" Sasuke bites his lip and looks down at his lap. No doubt, he feels like I've made an unjust decision.

"Otouto, look at Aniki," I coax, reaching across the table to grasp onto his hand. "You're still young. Who's going to watch you on this trip? Who's going to make sure you're safe? How will I know where you are at or if you're eating and sleeping well? You've never been away from home before, and your first trip away from home, you're going to go that far and for that long? I just can't help but worry about you."

"But Aniki," Sasuke whined, his quivering lower lip jutting out in despair, "I want to go. Please."

I sigh heavily, withdraw my hand, and use it to rub my temple. "Give me one good reason I should let you go."

My Otouto perks up slightly, sitting straighter in his chair. "I'll be good," he promises.

He's so cute. I almost smile.

"I know you'll be good. You're always good, watashi no tamashi."

Sasuke pouts. "Then, if you let me go, Aniki, I'll call and text often and send you lots of pictures. You won't even know I'm gone."

I raise an eyebrow. Does he really want to go so badly?

"Then who is going to make sure you're safe and not being bullied?"

Sasuke scoffs. "My biggest bullies are the girls who follow me around and won't leave me alone," he grumbles, crossing his arms. "I swear, it's like I have a siren on my head that alerts them when I'm around."

I feel somewhat relieved that my Otouto draws the attention of girls, not boys. At least for now. Just the thought of the inevitable makes me want to kill something with my bare hands.

"I still don't feel comfortable sending you so far away."

My Otouto whines, and that only succeeds in affirming the fact that he's cuter, not changing my mind about any of this.

"Aniiiiki, please. Please please please," Sasuke begs, pushing himself on his feet to circle the table. He's at my side in seconds. "Tell me what I need to do so you'll let me go."

Both of his hands are on my arm, jostling it slightly in a silent plea. I can't help, but yank my arm toward myself so that I get a lap full of Sasuke. My Otouto squeaks, hands coming out to steady themselves on my shoulders, before he turns slightly and rearranges himself onto my thighs. I find myself staring into large puppy-dog eyes.

"Aniki."

I sigh. I knew this was coming.

"If I say no, are you going to sneak out of your room or do other naughty things behind my back just to go?" I ask, folding my arms around him.

He did that once. The rebellious phase I spoke of recently. Needless to say, after my initial panic and meltdown upon discovering his disappearance, I was beyond furious.

"..No," Sasuke answers meekly, looking down at his fiddling fingers.

Judging by how guilty he looks, I'm sure he knows why I asked such a question.

Another sigh pushes through me, and my chest deflates along with it. "What am I going to do with you?" I mutter, defeated.

Sasuke tucks his chin over my shoulder and cuddles into me. I hear a muffled"Sorry, Aniki", and I don't know whether to conk him on the head or squeeze him so tight in a hug that he changes his mind about leaving my side.

I relent. "You will answer all of my calls and texts. You will also call and text me and send me pictures often. You are not allowed to touch alcohol. You will room by yourself. No exceptions. I have a few associates at that hotel. I will make the arrangements."

My sweet baby, he's already grinning from ear-to-ear and nodding his head like crazy. His excitement leaches out of him like a sponge expelling water.

"I'm serious, Sasuke. If you so much as miss one of my calls or texts, I will go down there and drag you back myself. Do you understand?"

"Yes! Yes, Aniki! I understand," my Otouto responds. He's practically bouncing off of my lap. I swear, I can see sparkles all around him. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Don't make Aniki regret this, Otouto."

Lately, I feel utterly powerless. My Otouto is growing up so fast. He's like a baby bird getting ready to leave the nest. I cringe each time I think about it.

It's unsettling.

Unbelievably nerve-wracking.

I want to wail in crippling despair when I imagine him leaving me some day.

I can't anticipate what I'll do, though I do have a few directions my thoughts are already heading toward. None of which I can say I'm particularly proud of.