*Inspired by a plot bunny from January 2013 Insatiablereadr at AHA, suggesting that Darcy would be trying to put Caroline off by disagreeing with her about basically everything*
EVERY SAVAGE CAN DANCE
"Bingley, I apologize if this is indelicate, but is your sister, by any chance, under the impression that I accompanied you to Hertfordshire in order to court her?"
"Well, um, perhaps. She might hope… think… wish…
"In short, yes?"
"Yes."
"I overheard a conversation between Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst that was very concerning to me. They were speculating upon how soon I might ask the big question. Mrs. Hurst will owe Miss Bingley two pounds if I propose before we have been three weeks in Hertfordshire."
"Oh, it is very… I mean… that is…"
"How did she get that impression? Because that was never my intention in coming here. I did not know that she was going to be here."
"Well, about that…. It might be… Possibly…"
"It might be, possibly, that you told her so?"
"Err, well, not in so many words. One day we were talking about you, and Louisa said she wondered that you were still single, and I said that I thought you might be thinking about getting married."
"And why would you suppose that?"
"Well, you have been attending more balls, and paying more attention to society, and some things that you said about ton marriages and matchmakers…"
"Most of the balls we went to you dragged me to. But I have to pretend some semblance of interest because I need to launch my sister to their notice soon and if I am seen as an eccentric ogre it might hurt her chances of a good match."
"So you were talking about finding a match for Miss Darcy, and not yourself?"
"Yes."
"Well, but would marrying Caroline be too bad? I know we are not of a grand lineage but she is pretty enough, and she has a decent dowry, and if we were family the company at Christmas dinners would be quite all right."
"That might be but I am not looking for a marriage that would be merely, not too bad. I think that sort of thing would turn sour eventually. I am hoping for a bit more congenial feeling to begin with."
"I thought you and Caroline get along well, you often seem to hate the same people."
"That is because she is prepared to like all the same things that I do, and dislike everything I have ever shown a distaste of."
"Will you not consider it?"
"Bingley, I have known her for four years, and I think if we were meant to be it would have occurred to me a bit earlier."
"Right…"
"Have you ever taken four years to figure out that you like one of your angels?"
"You have a point."
"I do not know what I am looking for, precisely, but I know that when I imagine waking up next to my wife it is never Miss Bingley's face that I see."
"Well, that is unfortunate for her."
"Will you not give her a hint so that she may cease her flirting and cajoling? It is making me uncomfortable, and I think it would be better for her to set her sights on someone who is a more potential match."
"I can try, but she often hears only what she wants to."
"Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind."
Either Bingley did not give her a hint or Miss Bingley's hearing was worse, for nothing much changed in her behaviour. If anything, she was more insistent, more cloyingly agreeable and flattering than before, and Darcy began to feel apprehensive that she would say or do something that would give people the wrong impression of their relationship and paint him into a corner.
He thought about confronting her, but there never seemed to be a good time and a proper place for a conversation about how much he did not wish to marry her. But somehow he had to get a message through. So he decided to be contrary and disagree with her as much as possible.
"Good morning, Mr. Darcy!" she said one morning. "Will you come and break your fast with us? The cook has got the eggs just right this time."
"Thank you, Miss Bingley," he said, "but I broke my fast four hours ago. I have just come from a long ride on the estate."
"Oh, what early hours you keep."
"I am a sheep farmer, after all," he said. "The days begin early when you are responsible for an estate."
"But surely you have people to do all the morning chores for you."
"Yes but it would not do to adopt these fashionable ways of languishing in bed until half the day is gone. It may do very well for useless London fops and fragile flowers of the ton but we need a more robust vitality to survive in the wilds of Derbyshire. My mother always used to say the duties of the Mistress of Pemberley started as soon as the first maid woke up."
"And when did they end?"
"Actually," he said, "I am not sure. That is a good question but she never said. Maybe they did not. My mother always considered what was best for everyone, day or night."
The next morning, Miss Bingley was up earlier, as Darcy had predicted, but he had asked for a tray in his room for his breakfast.
Bingley was planning to visit most of his neighbours and when Miss Bingley expressed her disinclination of getting to know any of them Darcy decided that it was absolutely imperative for him to accompany Bingley and make himself agreeable to everyone that Miss Bingley disdained.
"Sir William Lucas is a renowned figure in the area," he informed her. "He was knighted for his services to the crown."
"He is a tradesman from an unremarkable little village in Hertfordshire," Miss Bingley said. "I cannot imagine what services he could have rendered."
"Well. perhaps you can ask him. He is very affable and not at all condescending," Darcy said. "Not at all conceited about his rank and consequence."
The idea of being of lesser rank and consequence than some country bumpkin seemed to rankle Miss Bingley but he had a title, she had not.
Mr. Bennet was another new acquaintance that they made. His estate was not very large but it seemed well-tended. They were greeted with enthusiasm by Mrs. Bennet. "My wife is a tad exuberant," Mr. Bennet said later, "but she means well. What with five unmarried daughters, your arrival has been an exciting event at our house."
"I am sure your daughters will all meet the man that they deserve," Darcy said gallantly.
"I am looking forward to dancing with all the Miss Bennets at the assembly," Bingley said.
When Miss Bingley expressed her distaste of attending the local assembly in Meryton (they would be faced with the great unwashed, and nobody they would meet would be a valuable connection in London) Darcy made a point of mentioning Sir William Lucas again.
"I am sure you would have a lot of interesting subjects to talk about, comparing your experiences in the society. For he has met both the King, and the Regent, and spoken with two royal dukes."
Miss Bingley, he knew, had never seen head nor hair of anyone in the royal family, and as the nephew of an earl, Darcy himself was probably her closest connection to the nobility.
"His wife, Lady Lucas, is a very pleasant lady," he added, emphasizing the word Lady.
"I am sure there will be nobody worth dancing with," Miss Bingley said. "Would you not rather stay in Netherfield, Mr. Darcy? We can have such a merry time amongst ourselves. These country balls are so tedious, and unfashionable."
"The surroundings might be a bit rustic compared to what you are used to, but likely more sincere and entertaining," Darcy said. "The most popular event in Lambton is held in a hay loft, I attend every year."
It was a children's Christmas pageant but Miss Bingley did not need to know that.
He insisted on arriving early and Miss Bingley was expecting Darcy to open the ball with her but she was to be disappointed. They met Sir William and Mrs. Bennet soon after their entrance, and Darcy secured introductions to two of the Lucas daughters and all five of the Bennet girls, expressing his joy in being able to dance with them all. Miss Lucas was a charming woman of good sense, slightly older than the others, and Darcy liked her very well, if only to spite Miss Bingley. His dance with Miss Maria Lucas was unthreatening because she was so shy. Bingley had invited the eldest Miss Bennet to the first set and was quite taken with her.
When Darcy danced with Miss Bennet she was courteous and kind but he noticed that her eyes frequently darted to whichever part of the room that Bingley was in. Perhaps it was mutual, he thought. Then he took to the floor with Mrs. Hurst.
Miss Elizabeth Bennet was a very tolerable partner with a sweet smile and a teasing sense of humour that was able to both take him by surprise and put him at ease.
"My father told us about your visit," she said. "He is convinced that you are a conscientious land owner, and my mother is convinced that you are the handsomest man in Hertfordshire."
"I am not sure, " he said. "I used to know somebody in St. Albans who was very good-looking. But he may have moved away."
During a break between sets, Darcy saw Miss Bingley moving in his direction so he changed his route and attempted to figure out which people Miss Bingley was most likely to wish to avoid. He had seen the expressions of contempt Miss Bingley directed to Mrs. Bennet and Sir William so he went to sit with Mrs. Bennet, Sir William and Mrs. Long. Soon he knew everything there was to know about anyone who was anyone in Meryton. He did not have to say much, only listen and nod from time to time, but the matrons declared him to be a very worthy young man, and Sir William told everyone what a great conversationalist Mr. Darcy was.
Mr. Lucas, Sir William's eldest son, was a friendly sort, if slightly less talkative than his father. He had asked Miss Bingley for the last set, he said. Darcy was then introduced to the Misses Long, and there were enough of them that Darcy was able to sign almost all of his sets away.
"You are very fond of dancing," Miss Elizabeth observed.
"Not usually," he confessed. "I find standing up with strangers very awkward, most of the time. But there is someone I would rather not dance with, and dancing with other people seems like the best way to put it off."
Miss Bingley cornered them shortly afterwards and if Miss Elizabeth had not known whom Darcy was talking about it was soon to be remedied. Darcy had the notion that Miss Bingley wanted to stake her territory.
"Mr. Darcy and I are such good, old friends," she said. "He is like a family member to me."
"Very good," Miss Elizabeth approved. "He seems like such jolly company."
Darcy thought that Miss Bingley looked a bit alarmed to hear that. He was not often moved to be jolly in Miss Bingley's company.
"I am old friends with Mr. Bingley," he said. "Miss Bingley and I have had occasion to speak more than once."
"Miss Eliza, that is a pretty dress," Miss Bingley said. "The pattern seems a bit unusual, is it from La Belle Assemblée of, say, two years ago?"
"No, it is a pattern that my sister Kitty drew."
"How charmingly rustic, to draw your own clothes," Miss Bingley said contemptuously.
"It is amazing to me," said Darcy, "how young ladies can have patience to be so very accomplished as they all are."
"All young ladies accomplished! My dear Mr. Darcy, what do you mean?"
"Yes, all of them, I think. They all paint tables, cover screens, and net purses. I scarcely know any one who cannot do all this; and I am sure I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time, without being informed that she was very accomplished."
"Your list of the common extent of accomplishments," said Miss Bingley, "has too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse or covering a screen; but I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general. I cannot boast of knowing more than half-a-dozen in the whole range of my acquaintance that are really accomplished."
"Perhaps you need a better circle of friends," said Darcy.
"I merely comprehend a great deal in my idea of an accomplished woman."
"A great deal," echoed Miss Elizabeth.
"Oh, certainly," cried Miss Bingley. "No one can be really esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and, besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved."
"Every savage can dance," Darcy said.
Miss Bingley said that of course dancing was not the most important characteristic in an accomplished woman.
"All this she must possess, and to all she must yet add something more substantial," Miss Elizabeth suggested helpfully, "in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading."
"Ah yes," said Miss Bingley with alacrity. "Of course, all the ladies of the best quality have been educated in the choicest of seminars, reading a variety of edifying works, and have continuous access to the best private and public libraries that London can offer."
"I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women." Darcy said, "I rather wonder now at your knowing any."
"Are you so severe upon our sex as to doubt the possibility of all this?"
"I never saw such a woman. I never saw such capacity, and taste, and application, and elegance, as you describe, united."
"Oh Mr. Darcy," said Miss Bingley. "I am sure it is more uncommon here, among the countryside, but in our more developed society, there are lots of very accomplished ladies."
"Maybe Miss Bingley can introduce you to the five others," said Miss Elizabeth.
"I can hardly wait," said Darcy. "Will you dance the last set with me, Miss Bingley?"
Miss Bingley said she was very sorry but she had promised it to Mr. Lucas. But she had several other sets available and would be happy to dance with him at any time.
"Unfortunately I have acquired partners for all the other dances," Darcy said. "Could I interest you in the last set instead, Miss Elizabeth?"
It turned out that he could.
In the carriage back to Netherfield, Miss Bingley complained about the backwardness and the rusticity of everyone that they had met. "This is too far from London, Charles, I think we should go back."
"My goodness," said Darcy. "I had thought of inviting you and your family to Pemberley, but I have changed my mind, I am sure Miss Bingley would hate it there. If Meryton is hopelessly rustic, Lambton must be a place of forlorn backwaters that the time itself forgot."
"Oh no, Mr. Darcy," Miss Bingley said. "I have heard such a lot about Pemberley from Charles, and I am sure it is a most charming place."
"It might be picturesque to visit, once," Darcy said, "but I am certain you would find it torturous to spend a longer period of time there. The neighbours we associate with in Meryton are much more familiar with London and all the libraries and seminars that you deem necessary. We are three days from London, Miss Bingley, and in the winter we may get snowed in at Pemberley."
"I am sure it is most cozy and pleasant to be snowed in at Pemberley."
"If you like drafty, dark and cold," Darcy said.
The next day, Miss Bingley launched a campaign against the Bennet sisters. Bingley thought the eldest sister was an angel. Miss Bingley said she was a sweet but insipid creature, and her father's estate was entailed away.
"Charles, you cannot be thinking of throwing yourself away in such an appalling manner."
"Mr. Bennet's family has had Longbourn for seven generations," Darcy said. "I would think that it would be a step up for you socially, Bingley. No offense."
"None taken," Bingley said.
"But she has no dowry and no connections," Miss Bingley said. "She has an uncle who is a solicitor and another who has a warehouse in Cheapside."
"And? Law is a respectable occupation, and your own grandfather had a mill in Scarborough." If words were weapons this would mean death by facts, for Miss Bingley. She wanted nothing more than forget her roots in trade and Darcy wanted her to know that he had not forgotten.
"Charles, we owe it to our parents and future children to marry up and raise the consequence of the Bingley family."
"To marry into the gentry, you mean?" Darcy asked. When Miss Bingley assented he repeated that the Bennets were gentry. "Miss Bingley, if you wish to marry a land-owner you should take this opportunity and ask Mrs. Bennet to instruct you about the duties of a mistress of an estate."
"Mrs. Bennet? That silly woman who spoke so loudly?"
"Her friend, Mrs. Long, is hard of hearing."
"Mr. Darcy, with your background, you must understand the importance of bloodlines."
"My background? Are you talking about the uncle who is an earl or the uncle who was a horsethief? I would rather be judged upon my own merits rather than those of my relations."
"Surely you must agree that Miss Bennet is not a desirable match for Charles."
"Must I? Why cannot Bingley determine that for himself? He is the one who would live with her, after all."
"You danced with her. What did you think of her?" Bingley asked. Maybe he would determine that for himself but only after he solicited Darcy's opinion.
"She seemed very kind, rather reserved, but she looked at you a great deal."
Bingley thought that this was encouraging and asked Miss Bingley to invite Miss Bennet to tea at Netherfield. At first she refused in very absolute terms but then Bingley dictated a note to Mrs. Hurst and the invitation was rendered. When Miss Bennet got ill during the visit Bingley would not hear of her returning home.
The next day, Miss Elizabeth walked across the fields to see her sister. Miss Bingley was gleeful, seeing her muddy petticoats.
"Surely you would not wish your sister to make such an exhibition of herself, Mr. Darcy. I take the carriage everywhere I go."
"If my sister walked for miles to see me when I was ill it would be a great testament of her affection for me, and I could not but feel moved."
"But did you not see her dreadful dishevelment?"
"I noticed no such thing, I only saw a trim figure that has been improved by regular exercise."
"She has hardly a beautiful feature on her face."
"I beg to differ. Her eyes are exceptionally fine," Darcy said. After a theatrical pause, he added, "And the rest of her is very handsome as well."
"There were at least six inches of mud on her skirts."
"If you are afraid of a little mud you had better stay away from Pemberley. We have a steady supply of mud during the rainy season. Which is most of the time."
"What a conceited independence it shows, to walk so far unaccompanied."
"You should add it to your list of what makes an exceptional lady. A great walker, appreciates nature, not afraid of the English countryside, able to find her way in familiar surroundings without assistance, can occasionally stand her own company."
"I am all astonishment. How long has she been such a favourite? And pray when am I to wish you joy?"
"A lady's imagination is very rapid," he said. "You may wish me joy when the father of my intended has given his blessing. As for how long - you are aware, of course, that we met at the assembly."
Miss Elizabeth overheard some of that conversation. At first she thought that he might have professed more admiration than he felt, in order to disconcert Miss Bingley. But when they had a chance for a private interview he convinced her that disconcerting Miss Bingley was merely a beneficial side effect of his admiration. The engagement was swift but everyone who had seen the charming Mr. Darcy at the assembly thought it was very natural that he and Miss Elizabeth would make a match of it.
The first reading of the banns did more than anything that Darcy had ever said to convince Miss Bingley of the futility of her quest to marry Mr. Darcy.
"I have been trying to catch him for four years," she said to Mrs. Hurst. "And he publishes his banns with a country chit two weeks after they met."
"If you know, you know," said Mrs. Hurst. "Here are your two pounds."