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Destiny Begins
by Milui Elenath
Chapter Twelve
Merlin adjusted his position in the saddle as he followed Arthur and the knights. They were headed urgently for the ridge. Arthur was convinced Morgause and the presumed kidnapped Morgana would be just beyond it. Merlin hoped Arthur was wrong as he had been on the last three occasions. Arthur had been very certain they'd find the two women in the last two outlying villages and even a hollow tree, which had merely startled several rats. Even so, Merlin was unable to suppress his anxiety each time at the thought of them catching up to Morgause and Morgana.
Merlin did not know how much distance Morgause could have travelled with her spell. For all he knew they were well beyond Uther and Arthur's reach but if not then what? The possibilities for disaster were many. Morgause might use her magic against Arthur which in turn might force Merlin to reveal his own. Morgana might reveal her magic in the scuffle or announce her willingness to leave which Arthur would not understand. His future self had warned that Arthur and Morgana must remain allies. That would be difficult if Arthur learned of Morgana's magic or felt betrayed by her.
Merlin noticed with small relief that the sun was setting, they would not be able to continue their search much longer without returning to Camelot first. They had no provisions with them and the horses were also tiring. Yet Arthur was driving the search party forward showing no hint of slowing. Merlin knew why. The prince felt he was failing Uther. Arthur was ever trying to prove himself and Uther was rarely satisfied. Merlin felt a pang of guilt over his part in putting Arthur in this position.
Arthur reached the ridge and halted. Merlin's heart quickened as he quickly urged his horse into a position where he could see the valley below. Even in the decreasing light, he could see the plain was empty of movement and there were no obvious signs of smoke. Arthur grunted in displeasure.
"Sire," one of the knights broached, "evening is falling."
Merlin watched the internal struggle as Arthur fought his urge to continue against the practicalities. Ordinarily, Merlin would have offered some unsolicited advice or words of comfort. Perhaps offering hope that the other search parties had found Morgana or finding some way of them continuing but Merlin could do neither. This pursuit was best ended and he already felt that he had lied to Arthur enough today.
"We'll return," Arthur announced, "check on the defences of Camelot and get a fresh start tomorrow." Once said the prince wasted no time urging the group toward Camelot.
Merlin had seen the determination in Arthur's eyes as he spoke about resuming the search the next day. Merlin knew Arthur well enough to know that he was already rehearsing what he'd tell Uther, the promises he'd make to pacify the King. Merlin felt anger at Uther's often unreasonable demands and expectations but it was fleeting, replaced by Merlin's own guilt. He had failed to consider Uther's reaction. If he'd thought quickly enough perhaps he could have spared Arthur this redundant search but Merlin could not think of anything then or now that could have deterred it or kept Uther from blaming Arthur.
The prince looked back and slowed his horse coming even with Merlin.
"You've been very quiet Merlin," Arthur said grimly.
"I uh," Merlin found himself unusually lost for words. He wasn't sure what he could say to Arthur to make this situation better.
"You shouldn't feel bad, it wasn't your fault," Arthur said.
Merlin wrinkled his brow in confusion, did Arthur know what had really happened? Had he been conscious after all? He managed to gulp out a query. "What?"
"That Morgause took Morgana right in front of you," Arthur explained simply, "you shouldn't feel bad about it."
Merlin frowned, leave it to destiny to make him look cowardly as well as inept. "It wasn't like that," he tried to defend himself though he didn't know what he could say.
"I know," Arthur dismissed but he wasn't entirely convincing. "She's a powerful sorceress and a reasonable swordswoman and you're rubbish."
"Reasonable?" Merlin cut in raising his brows, she'd bested Arthur and the prince knew it.
Arthur ignored him and continued, "I'm just saying it's not your fault."
Merlin pursed his lips together. Arthur's sense of things was never quite correct. Somehow, he'd guessed at Merlin's feelings of guilt and regret but he'd misinterpreted the reasons. Merlin's intuition however was a little more attuned. "It's not your fault either. You weren't even awake."
Arthur didn't respond and Merlin's guilt increased. Arthur didn't believe it, he would hold himself accountable for Morgana's disappearance.
The only comfort Merlin had was that it could be worse. Morgana could be dead – he could have murdered her. On reflection, there was no comfort. What was he becoming? A liar, a near murderer . . . a monster?
Gaius had told him not to think of himself that way but would Gaius change his mind when he heard about Merlin's decision to poison Morgana? For the first time Merlin truly feared what the physician would think of his actions. He had not been given a chance to speak to Gaius before they'd left and Gaius would be worrying over Morgana's kidnapping needlessly, unaware that she had departed of her own volition. Merlin wondered what Gaius would make of the other strange set of circumstances he'd endured. The future version of himself and whether Gaius would approve of giving Morgana over to Morgause. Merlin didn't think he would. Gaius had been determined to keep Morgana from knowing of her abilities but sending her away was surely better than murdering her.
Merlin could barely stomach himself when he thought of it. He had so quickly condemned her, believing her culpable without evidence or doubt. He had to be wiser than that, better than that for the sake of Arthur's legacy but such intentions were no guarantee that Gaius would forgive him.
The castle came into view, Merlin thought it had never seemed so ominous. The group slowed, each of them hesitant to face their collective failure, all except Arthur who stoically maintained his pace forcing the rest to follow him. Merlin was compelled to do the same.
Before long Merlin found himself in the armoury, listening to Arthur's instructions about gear to clean and prepare for tomorrow, provisions to ask for and ensure they were ready. "Don't bother with the fire in my chambers," Arthur continued, "I won't be needing it. I'll be heading straight to bed after I speak to my father." His tone was firm.
Merlin did not get a chance to reply as Arthur determinedly set out. Merlin stared forlornly at the closed door before returning his eyes to the armour before him. The armour could wait, he would return to his job once he spoke to Gaius. As much as he dreaded all he had to tell it was unfair to let his mentor worry unnecessarily about Morgana.
"Uhh Merlin, can you hear me?" a familiar voice entered Merlin's head.
"Yes, are you still in the castle?" Merlin at once understood that his future self had been the sender.
"Yes, unfortunately, that's kind of my problem."
Merlin sagged, somehow, he suspected this was going to be his problem as well.
"I need your help."
Yes, definitely his problem. "With what?"
"I need to get out of the castle without being seen and without speaking to anyone."
"Is that all?" Merlin responded sarcastically.
His counterpart seemed unbothered by it. "It's kind of urgent."
"Isn't it always."
"Not sure I should answer that."
The tone of his voice already suggested the answer. "Right. Where are you?"
"Still behind the tapestry."
"Be right there."
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Merlin found his other self right where he expected. "I thought you'd be gone by now, aren't you going to return to your own time?" The last thing he needed right now was to have to make up more lies about why there were suddenly two of him – sorcery would be a very logical accusation.
The other Merlin, whom it appeared had kept the youthful version of himself paused a moment before answering.
"Something like that but the spell doesn't seem to have quite gone the way we hoped."
"We?"
The other Merlin winced, apparently unhappy that he'd revealed it. "Uh, I came with someone."
"Arthur?" Merlin said hopefully. It would be nice to know for certain that Arthur had accepted magic.
"No, and I'm not saying who."
Merlin must have looked put out because his other self continued. "I'm not trying to be rude it's just the spell is particular about what I can and can't say and if I say the wrong thing this whole day, this whole change of events will be undone."
Merlin widened his eyes at this news. "So, what's the plan?"
"I don't have one. I just need to get outside Camelot without being seen."
Merlin puzzled a little over this, it was already nightfall, before long most of the castle would be asleep and while the guards were probably on alert due to recent events, he'd never had too much difficulty dealing with them. He'd snuck out of Camelot several times; he was quite adept at it. If he ran into trouble a little sound diversion was usually all he needed to throw someone in the opposite direction.
"You can't get yourself out?"
"I told you I can't be seen, not at all."
"But –."
"I have hardly any magic strength right now," future Merlin confessed.
That worried Merlin, he'd never felt experienced magic loss.
"It's a result of the spell . . ." the other Merlin grimaced, "got to tell the truth. Not just the spell but being separated from the other person I came with and it's why it's urgent."
"And if you are seen by somebody?"
"The spell will reverse."
It seemed changing the past was complicated. "Right. I'll do my best."
Merlin checked the corridor outside the servants' quarters, so far so good. He didn't need to gesture to the other Merlin as they continued to communicate telepathically.
It shouldn't be difficult to get him out of the castle.
Merlin walked ahead continuing to ensure the way was safe speaking magically. They had one moment where a guard had passed Merlin and old Merlin had been forced to quickly hide in an alcove.
Merlin had heard the other sorcerer's breath quicken in fear but Merlin himself felt it was an overreaction. Had his older self forgotten how focused the guards were on their tasks? They were not looking in shadows inside the castle, not unless the warning bells were ringing or a search was in place.
Had he gotten soft? Which reminded him. "How old are you anyway? You were old when I first saw you."
"Part of the not telling you bit," the other sorcerer responded.
Merlin noted that the response was something Gaius would say. There were certain things about this future Merlin that made him seem old. The whole thing was unsettling.
"Can you just get me out of here," the other Merlin said irritatedly.
"I can do two things at onc-," Merlin was in the midst of dismissing the concern when he slipped on the stairs. For a moment he thought he was going to crack his head but a force held him and righted him. He glanced back to see the other Merlin's eyes glow.
"Thanks," he said sheepishly.
The other sorcerer was shrugging it off but he suddenly gripped the railing and sunk to sit on the step. "Ugh, weak," future Merlin breathed hard.
"Sorry," Merlin realised he was to blame, the other sorcerer had warned him he had little magic left.
"Merlin!" a second voice echoed in present Merlin's mind. It sounded faint, distressed and female.
The other Merlin hurriedly answered. "Sorry, be there soon. I'm with him, don't speak. I think he can hear you."
Merlin realised his face must have registered surprise and decided to be open about it. "Who is that?"
"No one," old Merlin stated firmly.
"Fine," Merlin rolled his eyes, "I never realised how stubborn I was."
"Irritating too," the other Merlin grumbled as he pulled himself to his feet. "Arthur might have a point."
They both looked at each for a moment, "nope." They collectively agreed.
Merlin however made an effort to pay more attention to his surroundings, finally, they exited the castle, crossed the square and began to wind their way through the lower town. They were almost clear. "See," he said silently to his other self, "nothing to worry about." He shot the other Merlin a smug smile taking his eyes for a moment from the path ahead but the other Merlin opened his eyes wide in horror. Merlin snapped his gaze back toward the front and saw Gwen, gripping a shawl to herself and lifting her head in their direction. Her gaze fell on them, the full moon illuminated everything and then plunged into darkness suddenly as a cloud covered it. "Hide!" he urged his counterpart.
"Where?" the other Merlin shot back but Merlin didn't have time to look, the cloud was already moving.
"Merlin?" Gwen questioned. "Who are you with?"
"With?" Merlin said turning and finding that his other self didn't seem to be in sight. "No one."
"I saw someone, two of you," she insisted, "well not two of you, you, but two people, you know what I mean?"
Merlin opened his eyes wide in an attempt at innocence, shrugged and shook his head. "It's just me. Let me walk you home." He took her arm pulling her along in case his companion was not well hidden.
Gwen looked back over her shoulder, "I could have sworn I saw someone else."
"Shadows," Merlin said.
"I suppose." She relented. "What are you doing down here anyway Merlin?"
"I um," he thought hard, "came to see how you were doing. About Morgana."
"Oh, that's very kind of you," Gwen said genuinely. "I don't know what I shall do if something happens to her."
Merlin wanted to offer reassurance as he'd wanted to do with Arthur but found himself in the same situation of being unable to. It might be years before Morgana was able to return to Camelot and he suddenly realised that left Gwen without a job. "I'm sure Arthur will find a place for you in the castle."
Gwen looked sharply at Merlin appalled. "That's not what I meant Merlin. I mean I hadn't even thought about my position." She paused taking that thought in, "I'm concerned about what Morgause might do to Morgana."
Merlin wondered if he could possibly put her mind at rest without revealing too much. "I don't think Morgause intends to harm Morgana, it's probably something to do with Uther. Besides Morgana is strong," he said.
"Yes," Gwen agreed softly, "she is . . . sometimes but Merlin," Gwen leaned forward and lowered her voice, "She's vulnerable too. I noticed that when Morgause was here last Morgana seemed to . . ." Gwen trailed as she searched for the words, "feel connected to her somehow. Kind of like she did with the druid boy, you remember?"
"Yes," Merlin said solemnly remembering the words of the dragon.
"Sometimes I get the feeling that Morgana . . ." Gwen hesitated.
"Yes?" Merlin prompted. Was Gwen aware of Morgana's magic?
"I shouldn't say," Gwen bit her lip.
Merlin waited her out, he'd found that if he left Gwen to her thoughts she often expressed them anyway.
Gwen finally continued "but It's like Morgana's searching for something Merlin and I'm worried she'll find it in the wrong place."
Merlin took Gwen's words in worriedly. He hoped he hadn't done something terrible by sending Morgana off with Morgause but he'd done so under the direction of his future self. Surely if you could trust anyone it was your future self.
"I wish I could tell you something Gwen," Merlin said lamely.
They stood in silence for a moment.
"I'm sure I'm worrying needlessly," Gwen said with a half smile, "Arthur will set out again tomorrow. He'll find her and bring her back."
Merlin said nothing.
"You do believe that don't you Merlin?"
"Sure, absolutely," he lied.
"I appreciate you coming down here. Well, goodnight Merlin."
"Goodnight Gwen."
Merlin waited until she had closed the door before he communicated with his other self. "Where are you?"
"I took the opportunity to keep going. I'm by the lower gate. I should be fine from here."
"Oh," Merlin responded simply. "Good luck then."
"Good luck to you, I probably won't see you again. Remember what I said, keep Morgana on Arthur's side."
"I'll do my best, only are you sure that Morgana should have gone with Morgause?"
There was a slight pause before the response, "absolutely."
Merlin winced as his tone echoed over bright – a sure sign his counterpart meant the exact opposite.
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Merlin finally found himself standing in front of the physician's quarters. He took a deep breath and gingerly pushed open the door. Gaius looked up, he was sitting at the table with a cup of something warm in his hand.
"Merlin!" Gaius took to his feet. "Tell me everything, what happened? Was it you that defeated the spell? How did Morgause come to take Morgana? Uther said she spoke to you, what did she say?" Gaius ran his eyes over the young sorcerer and added "and are you alright?"
Merlin answered the last question first. "I don't know Gaius. It's been a very strange day. Things aren't what they seem at all. I've got a lot to tell you. I don't think you're going to like a lot of it." Merlin walked with Gaius toward their table and sat down. "You should know first that Morgana's probably not in any danger, at least she's better off than she would be no thanks to me."
Gaius frowned slightly, "I'll fetch your supper. Then you can tell me what you mean by that cryptic statement."
Gaius listened patiently while Merlin went through the events of the day. The physician was very quiet at the end of it all.
Merlin couldn't take the silence. "You do think I'm a monster."
"No Merlin, I don't," Gaius said firmly. "Given the circumstances, given what you knew at the time you were doing the only thing you could to protect the kingdom. That is not the act of a monster but I was thinking the fact that some version of yourself came back to change events is astounding. I've never heard of a time spell. I can't imagine it would be easy. That would take incredible amounts of magic. I think you need to be very careful to heed his words."
"I think so too."
"You've done well Merlin," Gaius patted his back. "I know it won't be easy in the following days with Arthur and Uther but it's for the best."
"So you think Morgana going with Morgause is all right?"
"I can't say it would have been my first choice but perhaps it is for the best that Morgana is not under Uther's roof when her magic is increasing and volatile."
Merlin nodded and recalled something more of today. "There's something I have to do." He stood up. A promise was a promise after all.
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The warning bells sounded, they echoed out across the castle, the town, and even so far as to be heard in the darkling woods.
Morgana la Faye and Merlin who had seen a thousand years heard them in their little hollowed out cavern. They had regained their strength as soon as they had been reunited and taken refuge in the old remembered spot. They looked at each other as soon as the chimes sounded. Morgana could practically read the guilt on Merlin's anguished face. She looked on in concern and pity. "We knew this would happen," she said softly, "we knew certain events would still come to pass."
"Of course I did," he snapped, "but I didn't think I'd be here to witness it again. I thought I'd be blipped out of existence or returned to the present. That's what you said would happen."
Morgana understood that he was lashing out due to his guilt. "It should have," Morgana insisted but it hadn't. She didn't know for certain why, they had only guessed that perhaps things hadn't changed enough or worse that things were still prone to turning out the same as they had despite their interference. It seemed rather redundant though that the spell kept them hanging around when they could no longer change things. "I'm sorry Merlin."
Her sympathy seemed to mollify his anger but it didn't change the pain she saw in his eyes.
"I can't let him die again Morgana, he's my father. He deserved to be happy. He deserved to be with my mother again."
"Yes," Morgana said sadly, "he did but it can't happen Merlin."
"I can't sit idly by," Merlin argued.
Morgana paused a moment, "I know."
"Will you help me?" he stared at her.
She knew it wouldn't matter what her answer was, Merlin would not be deterred. "Yes," she replied. In truth she'd already know what she'd have to do, she raised her arm quickly and projected her words forcefully. "Swefe nu!"
Merlin's body slumped forward, asleep. She knew it was not what he meant by help. He would be angry later, if they were still around, but let him be angry rather than have everything fall apart. They had to keep their eye on the big picture, the picture he'd wanted even more than she and he would see that when the moment passed.
Morgana moved Merlin into a more comfortable position and put a blanket around him. Still, forcing him to sleep was a temporary solution, she hoped it would be long enough for things to work out here in the past. He would be unlikely to fall for any more interventions and would be more on his guard next time. It made Morgana worried about what they would they do if it took months or years for the spell to complete itself. How would they keep themselves hidden from everyone and also stop themselves from interfering and undoing everything? Must they suffer all the past again? Why had their changes not come to fruition already? What or more likely who could possibly be standing in the way of change?
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Merlin had walked with Arthur through the square triumphant over the dragon. Gaius and Gwen met them and celebrated briefly before their tasks had taken them in respective quarters to reassure Uther and the kingdom that the threat had passed.
Finally, Merlin found himself sitting in Gaius's chambers, moving a spoon idly around an empty bowl while Gaius prepared healing potions for the continued treatment of Kilgharrah's victims. There were a lot of thoughts in Merlin's head now that the initial elation of saving Camelot had worn off. "What sort of person am I Gaius?" He suddenly burst out, "what sort of man lets people die? Let's his own father die?"
Gaius stopped grinding, pestle in hand. He looked pityingly at Merlin. "You couldn't have known what the great dragon would do and when it comes to Balinor it sounds like there was nothing you could do Merlin."
"No," Merlin shook his head. "The future me could have done something. He had to know this would happen. He saved Morgana but he told me nothing of the dragon, nothing of the innocent people that would die, nothing of Balinor. Nothing!
Gaius stared seriously at the young man as he gave it some thought. "Merlin, imagine yourself in his place for a moment. Would you go back and save your father?"
"Of course."
"Or would you go back further in the past and stop him from leaving your mother? "
"I, uh don't know I hadn't thought about it."
Gaius began to pour his ingredients into a bottle. "Well think about it now. Suppose you did, you'd never have come to Camelot."
"I guess not," Merlin began to see where Gaius was going with this, "but that's different. Saving Balinor a few days ago wouldn't have changed anything about my destiny with Arthur."
"Wouldn't it?" Gaius said sharply. "You're a dragonlord now. Who knows what the future will be."
"And I've sent the dragon away," Merlin said petulantly. "Balinor could have done that. He could have returned to my mother, lived a quiet life in Ealdor and things would go on the same here."
"You think that would be the end of it? What about Uther?"
Merlin bristled tears in his eyes, "Uther would thank him, like he should."
Gaius was gentle as he spoke, "Uther might be grateful, grateful enough to let him be and then again, he might not. The king can be . . . capricious, you know this. My point is we don't know what this other version of you has seen but he does. You told me that he said certain things about what could be said and done and so I have to believe if he is you, then he is the sort of man to have given this careful thought and to do what had to be done. I know this is difficult for you and so I think it must have been difficult for him too."
Merlin looked away. "Maybe," he muttered reluctantly. Gaius was making a lot of sense but Merlin did not want to feel reasonable. "I just don't know if I can trust anything else he has told me."
Gaius gave a thoughtful frown. "You mean about Morgana?"
Merlin nodded glumly. Even among the death and destruction that Kilgharrah had caused Merlin had been unable to shake the disquieting feeling of her absence. Sending her with Morgause bothered him deeply and he hadn't yet pinpointed why.
"Certainly you don't want her to be Arthur's or Camelot's enemy?"
"Of course not but was sending her with Morgause the right thing to do? I mean she's a high priestess like Nimue."
"Nimue had her own axe to grind Merlin. Our dealings with Morgause have been quite different."
"Yes, but can she be trusted? She already tried to sow discontent between Uther and Arthur and we don't know what she intended to do with that sleeping spell. The other me said she'd been convinced to forego it."
"I think the real question is not whether we trust Morgause but whether we trust Morgana." Gaius perhaps meant it as comfort and Merlin tried not to allow his discomfort to show.
"In any case," Gaius continued, "we don't have a time spell, we can only take one day at a time and if you don't get some rest you'll have difficulty even doing that. Camelot is safe thanks to you and that is enough for today. Let the future be. Get to bed, I'll clean up here."
Merlin nodded his head and went to his room. He went through the routine of removing his day clothes, fluffing the pillow and lying down but he knew he would not find sleep easily. Gaius had unintentionally given Merlin something else to ponder when he'd stated the real question is do we trust Morgana?
Merlin could not help but realise that the real question was really why he didn't trust her. Because shockingly he realised he didn't. He remembered that Gwen had a similar concern, worrying that Morgana would find whatever it was she was searching for in the wrong place.
Merlin realised Gwen had seen something in Morgana he'd been ignoring or at least hoping wasn't a problem. Gwen may not have understood what it was Morgana was searching for but Merlin did. Morgana had been searching for some way to understand her magic. He'd been naïve to think that a momentary contact with the druids would be enough. She needed more continued guidance and if he were honest, he'd started to acknowledge it when Morgana had so easily thrown her lot in with Mordred and Alvarr over the Crystal of Neahtid. - only he'd been upset with her for it, for turning to others. He frowned hard at this revelation. Yes, he'd been angry with her over it as if she owed him some allegiance. Which was ridiculous because he'd given her no reason to think he could help her.
The images in the crystal of Neahtid had disturbed him so much that he'd not really had time to revisit his feelings over Morgana's alliance with the child Kilgharrah said was destined to kill Arthur, or his disappointment in her for supporting, so ardently, Alvarr, a man whose intentions were clearly uncaring of innocents. Merlin was startled by the intensity of the emotions such thoughts evoked.
Was that why he'd been so willing to condemn Morgana over the sleeping spell? Was that where this distrust came from? Was it really just disappointment or some sort of strange jealousy? He felt disgusted with himself. Morgana could not be blamed for turning to others when he had offered her so little help, not forgetting that she had no idea that his help was even possible. Nor should she be blamed for a prophecy that hadn't yet come to pass or actions she hadn't done. It was unreasonable and yet, he had blamed her perhaps because it was easier than facing his helplessness. He sighed.
But none of that explained his unease at Morgana's departure, the weird feeling that floated about in his heart that something was amiss. That was something he was yet to identify, some instinct, some concern, some intangible knowledge.
Merlin moved restlessly in his bed and closed his eyes. It would come to him eventually.
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Author's notes : Thankyou again to everyone for reviews, follows and favourites it does help keep the motivation up and is appreciated in the form of feedback. We're finally in Camelot for good or ill now. We'll have to wait and see what things change and what remains the same. Thanks for hanging in there - I know this was a little bit longer between updates - various reasons. Hope you all had a happy Christmas and got to spend time with loved ones. Wishing you all a fantastic New Year that brings many blessings, fulfilled hopes and moments that make cherished memories.