Destiny Begins
by Milui Elenath
Chapter Fifteen
The ancient warlock who had travelled back in time with Morgana la Faye looked at her across their hollowed out tree home with eyes wide. "Did you hear it?"
Morgana la Faye, her expression as stunned as his, nodded. "Morgause, me – the other me, Morgana speaking to each other."
Merlin Emrys sat down and stared at nothing as his thoughts turned internally. "I think they were talking telepathically about me – him."
"They've still sent Uther mad," Morgana worried. "Do you think Cendred's army is on the way?"
"I don't know. There was too little to go off." Merlin went over his memory of their words searching for something he'd heard to give them a better idea.
"Things are going the same way," Morgana wailed. "Why? Why Merlin? It should have changed things. It should have." Morgana's hands were alternating between clasping and running down her face.
"It has changed," Merlin spoke thoughtfully so focused on the conversation he heard that he did not notice Morgana's agitation. "I heard Morgana say she was taking Merlin back to the castle. You didn't do that last time." He looked up and saw Morgana la Faye had already taken to her feet. She was grabbing for her cloak, ( a stolen blanket) and looking as if she were about to head out.
"Not enough," she clipped, "not if Uther is still going mad, as we heard."
"Where are you going?" Merlin shook his head at her. "Morgana, you can't do anything about this, you'll undo everything."
"I'm going to Morgause, I'm going to find out what is happening. I can do that."
"You can't." He argued. "I haven't sat idly by all these months, helpless to my own father's death for you do to undo this now!"
Morgana shook her head defiantly. "I'm not breaking the rules. It'll still be one person I've talked to, it's still Morgause."
Merlin got up and stood in her way. "You'll be changing another event."
"No," she said more reasonably, staring into his eyes. She was not full of challenge, just determination. "I just want information."
"And if it doesn't please you are you just going to go silent?" He pointed out firmly but his tone was soft. He knew that if he was calm she would listen more carefully. "You won't be able to help telling Morgause something else. You know you won't. I wouldn't either."
Morgana's face fell as she acknowledged his logic. She sagged back into the chair putting her head in her hands. "Merlin, how can we stand it?"
He came to her and put his arms around her. He knew what she meant. All of this waiting to see what would happen and all of the uncertainty of what would and would not.
"Do you think about it? What will happen to us?" She confirmed aloud.
"If we don't eventually find ourselves right back in the future?" He tried to say lightly. "Yes, I made my peace with it. A better destiny for Arthur, for me, for you, for Aithusa whatever the sacrifice."
"Even if that's the end of our existence?" She looked up at him, with such trust that he would remove all her doubts.
"What else can we do? We can't live forever like this – I certainly can't."
He thought of the vision he'd had of the world ending and him living on it all alone. It still haunted and terrified him. He'd told Morgana of it eventually. She'd refused to break the magic bond ever since, swearing to him that she wouldn't let that happen, that they'd both live or die together.
She nodded, perhaps remembering this promise, perhaps understanding that there was no choice at this point. "But what if we're wrong about everything?" Morgana asked tremulously.
Wrong about their one hope? This was the first time Morgana had voiced such concerns. She was usually the one reassuring him. He'd been the one distressed with his father's death, he'd been the one struggling to readapt to a Medieval existence without running water or modern convenience while Morgana seemed to take in her stride, she had never given over those skills living with Aithusa. He looked her straight in the eye. "Then destiny will find another way to remedy it."
She sighed in acceptance. "You're right, we must be patient." She took a few breaths, "I'm sorry."
"It's not like I haven't had my fair share of moments."
"No, I'm sorry that you are suffering this," she said earnestly. "I deserve this. . . I did terrible things but you-."
Merlin realised why it was she'd been so stoic until now, she felt she deserved this. He had similar thoughts about himself. "I did them too, whatever you think. Terrible things, innocent lives lost because of me." He sighed, thinking of the many mistakes and deaths but he shook them off – he had to. He found himself returning to the telepathic words they'd heard between Morgause and Morgana. He could make little sense of it other than that Merlin had been discovered and that Morgana still trusted him. That had to be a good sign. He gasped. "I just realised," he said to Morgana La Faye, "Merlin, the other one, must have heard them too, speaking in their minds. I always had the ability. I doubt they knew that though by the way they spoke."
Morgana bit her lip as she thought this over. "I don't see how that changes things."
Merlin shook his head, "no. I guess it doesn't. Only I didn't know that you could use telepathy, not until after Aithusa passed all these centuries later. Things have changed. We just have to hang in there."
Morgana furrowed her brow. "She didn't believe him."
Merlin sat up straight, feeling a little shiver come over him. "What? Who?"
"Morgana, she didn't believe Merlin." Morgana insisted. "She evaded Morgause's question about whether she trusted Merlin."
"Are you sure? I mean that she didn't believe him?"
Morgana tilted her head in a gesture that said clearly that he was foolish for assuming she didn't know herself.
"Oh," Merlin huffed, "they aren't making this easy at all."
Morgana allowed a small smile to grace her lips.
He guessed what she was thinking. "You think it's time the shoe was on the other foot? You not trusting me instead of me not trusting you."
"Something like that," she agreed, then sighed. "It took us thousands of years to find trust."
He reached out and took her hand, "but we did find it?" It was only half a question, some part of a statement.
She smiled a small smile, "yes." She confirmed squeezing his hand back.
"Then it's already worth it," he said sincerely, holding her gaze.
Her eyes were swimming with tears. "Yes, yes it is."
Her lids fluttered, blushes were creeping into both their cheeks that were too ridiculous for two people over a thousand years old with memories as difficult as theirs, but, the moment was not right. They both knew it, they loosened their hands and found other places to look. "I hope," Merlin said lightly, "it doesn't take these two as long as us."
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Morgana Gorlois was aware that Merlin had said nothing since they parted from Morgause. She had not spoken either but she was crunching her feet into the ground in a determined almost furious pace. Merlin might have taken her pace for anxiousness to get back to Camelot before they were discovered but Morgana was only anxious to put sufficient space between them and Morgause before she confronted him and this spot here looked sufficient. "So," Morgana halted and turned toward Merlin with more bravado than she felt, "are you going to tell Arthur about this?"
Merlin seemed startled by her sudden question but he hesitated only a moment before answering "That you're healing the king with magic?" He clarified inflecting some confusion.
Morgana pursed her lips. He was still blatantly lying to her even away from Morgause. "Don't pretend you believe that Merlin," she said sadly.
The way his eyes opened in surprise wounded her further. It was as if he'd never expected her to see through his lies. Did he think so little of her? She had hoped that his deception was fear of Morgause but now she saw it was more. This was deliberate deceit to her as well. "You're not stupid Merlin," she said pointedly, "neither am I. I saw the way you looked at me when I told you Uther deserved what he got. You knew then or suspected enough to know that the root you found is not helping Uther."
Merlin looked as if he was going to protest, his face started to take on an innocent expression before it hardened, seeming to think better of keeping up the pretence. "Why didn't you make Morgause detain me?"
Morgana did not respond immediately, it was complicated. In part she could guess that Morgause being aware of her feeling for Merlin made her uneasy about leaving them together. Morgana did not much care for something coming out about that right now though she did not think her sister would reveal it. There was also the fact that the Morgause had little concern for those without magic and while she would have done exactly as Morgana had asked in sparing Merlin there was something that had unsettled Morgana about leaving him there. Something instinctual. Something dangerous about the combination.
"You don't trust her," Merlin concluded.
"I trust Morgause with my life," Morgana responded honestly.
"But not with mine?" Merlin decided again.
Morgana shook her head in disagreement. That wasn't it either. "Morgause has suffered a lot at the hands of those who hate magic. You can't blame her for being mistrusting of others or caring little for them but no I trust her to keep her word completely." She was aware she still hadn't answered his question.
"You seem to trust her a lot," Merlin began and his tone was careful, "you called each other sisters."
"Yes," Morgana admitted. "She is my mother's daughter from her first marriage, prior to Gorlois."
"Does Uther know who she is?" Merlin wondered aloud.
"I don't know. He isn't likely to tell me. Morgause wasn't sure."
Merlin took this in and then had a sudden outburst. "Don't do this Morgana, I know Uther has done some terrible things but Arthur's legacy cannot begin this way."
He was looking at her pleadingly, sincerely. It was very compelling. She dropped her eyes. She had expected this. She knew that if her actions were discovered everyone would see her differently, she'd tried to prepare herself for that, tried to harden herself against it. The open expression of hope did not make it easy to dash. "I have to Merlin."
His face didn't crash into despair merely hardened slightly. "Because Morgause wants revenge?" He insisted.
Morgana could tell he hoped she would say yes, so he could blame all of this on Morgause. Morgana wondered if it would be easier for them both if she did. Would Merlin go on pretending that Morgana wasn't capable of doing this out of her own strength? Could she pretend that she didn't see the disappointment in his eyes? His loss of faith in her almost made her lose her resolve but she couldn't sacrifice others for her own comfort. "No Merlin, because Uther is a tyrant. It has to end. Arthur will be a better king."
Merlin's expression of regret changed to one of acceptance so readily that it seemed as if he'd been prepared to be disappointed in her all along. Morgana found that hurt more than if he had refused to believe it of her.
But Merlin did not waste time with whatever emotions he was feeling, he shook his head at her plan. "Arthur is not ready."
He was so firm in his conviction. So ready to defend Arthur and so quick to condemn her. "Arthur will never be ready while Uther lives," Morgana snapped, "he is too much in his shadow." She believed that but she knew she had said it to upset Merlin.
But Merlin did not react visibly, he seemed to weigh the words and find some truth to them and yet he responded harshly. "So you will drive Uther to madness and death for Arthur's sake, or for your own?"
He was brusque but there was desperation too. He was trying to change her mind, trying to make her see what she was doing but Morgana already knew. Merlin was the one who didn't understand and she wanted to make him understand. She hadn't tried until now because she'd been frightened that his goodness would never allow him to see the pragmatism of it. But he wasn't like Gwen, who had little nuance in her views of right and wrong, who, Morgana feared, would give up a friendship rather than maintain one with someone she thought of as dishonourable because she simply couldn't stand such acts. Merlin, however, had an edge of steel about him, the sort of kindness that could be cruel if it was needed. Maybe he could be convinced to understand, maybe he could stop looking at her with such distrust.
"How many deaths has Uther caused?" Morgana countered. "You think he hasn't done worse to others? Don't you remember how Tom died?"
"I do," Merlin acknowledged softly, "but Gwen told me she didn't want Uther to die for her father's death."
"If she said so then Gwen was thinking only of herself," Morgana said bluntly.
She could see Merlin was shocked at her words and that proved that at least he thought she had some propriety left. "I don't mean that unkindly," Morgana appeased. "Gwen could not hope to see the big picture. She was deep in grief for a father. I know that pain. Tom's death was one to her but he was one man among many who were not given mercy or who were trialled and sentenced without any cause whatsoever other than suspicion. Many have been wrongly accused, you've seen it yourself Merlin, with Gaius and Aredian. It is not about revenge, Merlin, it is about justice. As long as Uther remains king there will be more left fatherless, motherless, childless and heartbroken. I knew that long ago but I lacked the courage to do anything about it. Not any more. I can not allow myself to be turned from this path, it would make me complicit. Don't you understand?"
"I do understand, believe me." Merlin paused as if measuring his words. "If I had your gifts, I would harness them for good. That's what magic should be for. That's why you were born with these powers. Don't you see that using them this way will make Arthur as much against magic as Uther is?"
"Then he's a fool too," Morgana folded her arms. She could see her response did not please Merlin and she hadn't entirely meant it. She was frustrated. She'd failed to convince Merlin after everything and if she couldn't convince him she didn't think she'd have much chance with Arthur. "He need never know," she added more reasonably.
Merlin shook his head. "The truth would come out eventually."
"Only if you tell him," Morgana maintained.
Merlin's expression was pained and conflicted.
Morgana waited anxiously for his answer. Morgana did not believe Merlin would be silenced by threats or not for long. She had seen him stand up to Uther and Arthur when he felt strongly enough about something and she had observed that his manner did not change when Morgause threatened him either. His commitment and courage to his convictions were what made her admire him so much. She wished Arthur would demonstrate more of it.
"I won't tell Arthur," he said at last.
Morgana could see that had cost him something to promise and she felt regret for putting him in such a difficult position but she couldn't stop there. She had to know what to expect. "What about Gwen, are you going to tell her about this?"
Merlin's brow furrowed slightly, "there is nothing she could do." He paused a moment and added pointedly, "She'd never understand Morgana. She couldn't."
"I know," Morgana agreed and she saw it then, Gwen was everything she wasn't. Open and guileless. Morgana did not have the luxury of being that innocent with Uther as her guardian and magic in her veins. It was no wonder Merlin would choose Gwen. Morgana was too complicated, too much a pawn of her responsibilities. Her loyalty could never be so simple. "I've tried not to lie to you Merlin," she said softly, it was a useless, last-ditch effort to prove something to him.
"I know," he said solemnly.
She searched his expression wondering if it made a difference, wondering if she'd lost not just hope of some unlikely, impossible, romance but his friendship too; his eyes were shuttered, his thoughts remote. With a sense of resignation, she summoned her own walls. "I wish things had been different."
She caught Merlin nodding silently as she shifted her gaze away.
His agreement was not much in the scheme of things, such a small gesture to signify the end of her hopes. She straightened herself and summoned her will, focusing on the despair and ill that Uther had done to keep herself steady. "Can I trust you then, to not say anything? Not to Arthur, not to Gwen, not to Gaius not to anyone. Just let this be?"
"I have little choice," Merlin said rather less than convincingly.
"If you expose me, Merlin, I'll be executed," Morgana wondered if that mattered to him, "and if you thwart me," she paused knowing it had to be said, "I'll only find another way."
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Merlin walked with Morgana silently. They'd said all they could to each other. She her justifications, he his ill made promises. He managed to force a polite smile to his face as they parted at the castle gate. He had not needed to point out that the two of them re-entering the castle without being seen or noticed would be more difficult. Morgana had simply assumed he knew it and asked him if he thought he'd have any trouble getting back to his room. He'd shaken his head. Morgana, of course, was not aware of how many times he'd done it before.
But Merlin did not have any intention of returning yet to his chambers or to the citadel. What would he be returning to but lies. Lying to Arthur about his magic was one thing but lying to Arthur about Uther's madness and inevitable death was another. Keeping it from Gaius was also out of the question but likewise working against Morgana could easily end in disaster. He knew this even before she warned him or threatened him – he wasn't sure which. It was also clear if he stopped her now Morgana would do something else to Uther and next time she might be exposed, might involve others, even get herself and or Arthur killed.
His future self had warned him that Albion needed Morgana, that Arthur would need her as an ally but that was proving more and more difficult. If Arthur were to lose Uther to magic and discover Morgana's part in it that certainly wouldn't happen. Merlin could not see any way forward.
He needed advice.
Unfortunately, there was only one person, one creature, that he could think of who may have anything to offer.
Kilgharrah.
Merlin would have to journey a while before he could even think about calling him. A dragon being seen in Camelot would not help the situation.
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Merlin had journeyed the rest of the night until he felt dawn was getting too near, he dared not call the dragon in daylight and so this place would have to do. He had not done this before, didn't even know if it would work but some things were instinctual and he already felt himself calling.
It was not long before a great shadow descended from the sky, obscuring the waxing moon and kissing the ground more softly than such a large creature should.
"Hello, young warlock." The dragon greeted, "I did not expect to hear from you for some time . . . or at all."
Their last meeting had been in the smouldering clearing within sight of the burning Camelot and only just beyond the sounds of distress and grief that Kilgharrah had wrought there. Merlin, last of the dragonlords had commanded the great dragon to halt, had offered Kilgharrah clemency for reasons he wasn't sure he understood and had intended to be done with the dragon forevermore not the least because Merlin had to live with the guilt of those lives taken for his part in releasing Kilgharrah.
"I did not know if you would come," Merlin admitted.
"You are a dragonlord. I could not resist even if I wanted to."
It was a conscious choice by Merlin to voice the questions. "If you could resist?"
"I would have still answered," the dragon said.
Merlin wasn't sure how to respond to that or whether to believe it, Kilgharrah was duplicitous but at least on the surface, the dragon didn't appear to be his enemy. Merlin decided he should plunge on with his request before the complicated nature of their relationship and past caught up with them. "I need advice."
"And will you listen this time Merlin?"
"I've always listened," Merlin said candidly, "I just don't tend to follow the advice you give."
"Indeed not," the dragon agreed, "so what is the point?"
"Perspective," Merlin answered decisively.
The dragon made a slight movement of his head. "You grow wiser Merlin. What is it then?"
"It's Morgana. She's returned to Camelot and she's using some sort of root and spell to make Uther go mad."
"Is she now?" The dragon stated idly, "the witch has some good in her yet."
Merlin frowned. "Stop calling her that."
"You do not object to warlock but very well. What exactly is the problem?"
"Isn't it obvious? Arthur's legacy, it can't start like this. If he ever found out that magic was the cause of his father's madness or death he would never accept magic could be used for good."
"I see. Then you must put a halt to it. It should not be difficult from what you have said it sounds as if she is using a mandrake. Simply destroy the mandrake root and Uther's madness will end. He will most likely recover. It will be close to him, hidden somewhere in his bedchamber most likely."
Merlin shook his head. "I know where it is. . . or where it was, that's not the issue. I'm worried if I stop her she'll do worse, something that could endanger Camelot and Arthur."
"Why not expose her? Or kill her, as you should have done."
Merlin pushed down his anger at the repetitive suggestion. He had not disclosed to the dragon the entirety of what had happened during the knights of Mehdir. He'd only told the dragon that Morgause had removed the spell and taken Morgana. Kilgharrah had not cared at that time, so as long as he was freed. Merlin decided he better explain. "I was visited by a future version of myself," Merlin began and then ran through the particulars, covering the importance of keeping Morgana on side.
For the first time since Merlin had known him, Kilgharrah was silent. Merlin waited as the dragon prepared his response. After a time Kilgharrah spoke. "This is surprising. Prophecy surrounding the witch is not favourable to Albion, nonetheless, a timespell is powerful magic, it requires much power even for one as powerful as you and precious ingredients difficult to acquire." There was a very solemn note to the dragon's tone. Something that seemed to have touched the dragon about this thought.
"There's more," Merlin said, "I, uh, came with someone else and I think, I think that person was Morgana."
"Morgana?" The dragon appeared even more surprised. "But you do not know whom you/he came with?"
"No, he prevented me from finding out but I heard her voice in my head. She was talking to him, I'm pretty certain it was Morgana. I did not hear her for long. He said their magic was getting weak because of the spell and because they were apart and –."
"A magical bond. I begin to see clearly some things." The dragon said. "What a conundrum! You and the witch," the dragon laughed lightly.
Merlin couldn't see what was so funny. "Yes, what am I to do about it?"
"I suspect you will discover sooner or later." The laughter began again.
Merlin scowled, the dragon was often cryptic but this was downright useless. "What is that meant to mean?"
"No, you are right Merlin, this is a serious matter," the dragon said calming, though he still appeared cheered by the way light sparkled in his tremendous gaze. "You cannot expose her. It is as you said, Arthur cannot be allowed to discover her involvement in this. This timespell and all that was sacrificed must not be ignored. If Albion's destiny requires Morgana then you must do all to preserve it, for as long as you can."
"But how?"
"You must find a way to change her mind."
Merlin huffed. "I've already tried to change her mind. She won't be swayed. She's convinced Uther is an evil tyrant who will keep killing innocents until he's removed." Merlin sighed, "she's not wrong."
"And yet you must convince her she is."
Merlin felt his patience end. "You keep saying that over and over but I don't how to, that's why I came here."
"I believe you do," Kilgharrah said, "and you must. I am sorry but I cannot help you further Merlin. You will have to find this path."
The overgrown lizard was as frustrating as ever, if Merlin knew how to convince Morgana he would know and he would have done it! Wouldn't he? But there was one way to convince Morgana that he hadn't tried. Let her in on his magic.
Could he trust her? Should he? The dragon seemed to think so.
"Thank you, I guess," Merlin said grudgingly.
"Until we meet again," the dragon bowed slightly and took to the air. "Remember, young warlock what is at stake."
Merlin pressed his lips together at this final remark. He never forgot. At last, Merlin turned and prepared himself for the long walk back. His thoughts were filled with exactly how he was going to tell Morgana his secret. It may not be enough to convince her but it was all he had and it certainly couldn't make things worse.
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Morgana lay in her chambers but found sleep was not forthcoming. It was the early hours of the morning by now but not yet dawn. She threw a fur over her nightgown intending to walk the corridors of the castle. She could hardly be said to be in need of exercise after travelling to the darkling woods but lying in bed just made her visualise those disappointed blue eyes. Merlin didn't understand, she couldn't make him and that was her failure. He couldn't know what it was like to be born with magic. To be hunted and killed for something you had no choice in, to live in fear of your life day after day. She couldn't impress that upon him. He saw her now as something treasonous and heartless, maybe even corrupt. She turned the corner quickly, telling herself that ridding Camelot of Uther was the right thing, that others' lives mattered more than her whims. Whims that could never be anyway even if Merlin had agreed with her. What would she have done next? Waited for Uther to die then run off with a servant? Leaving Arthur to deal with the aftermath and hope he suddenly let magic users live their lives unheeded? Bear the scorn that Morgause already felt toward even the fantasy of such a match. Morgana thought herself wretched. Corrupt, hopeless and quite pathetic. She stalked around yet another corner and suddenly there was Arthur, pacing along the corridor with a scowl that matched her own. "Arthur?" she exclaimed in surprise.
"Morgana?" he echoed her tone. "I thought you'd be asleep. . . of course you aren't. You're worried about Father."
She bit her lip, nodded silently, simultaneously hating herself and wanting to scream. She had kept things from Arthur in the past and the relationship between them was often strained and not close but she'd prided herself on her honesty when it had come right down to it. She'd always made it a point to say exactly what she thought even when it was not appreciated. Yet she had set herself on a path of deceit with him now. With all of them for the foreseeable future.
"Did you hear what the council wants?" Arthur began.
Morgana shook her head. She could guess. It was what she'd been hoping by the look on Arthur's face it wasn't what he was hoping for.
"They want me to usurp him! To usurp father. They want me to become regent! It's outrageous treason is what it is."
Arthur was looking to her for confirmation but she didn't give it. She thought about giving a preamble about how much she also wanted Uther to recover – full of worried looks and lies but she couldn't do it. "A kingdom needs a leader Arthur," she pointed out quietly.
"You as well Morgana? I thought you of all people would be on my side. He's lying there and" his voice cracked, "everyone's plotting against him. He's my father and my king."
Morgana blinked sadly. How could she not be moved by Arthur's obvious distress, it was hard to lose a parent – she knew that well. She had lost both and Arthur he would lose the only parent he had known.
"I'm sorry," Arthur rallied, pulling himself together and taking on that insufferable princely manner. "I know you're hurting too, Morgana. Father will get through this. You'll see." His façade worryingly broke then recovered again. "Get some sleep, he wouldn't want you wandering in these draughty halls."
She nodded again unable to voice anything.
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"My lady?"
Morgana watched the people milling below in the square. How many of them would kill her if they knew she was a sorceress? How many would not? Would Arthur be swayed by popular opinion or could he stand against it if the cause was just? Was he ready to be King or was it too soon? Was she doing all this for naught? Would anyone really be saved? Could she live with herself if Uther took more lives? Could she live with herself if she took Arthur's father from him? Was Merlin right? Was this wrong?
"Morgana?" Gwen's voice broke into her thoughts and Morgana realised that the young woman had been attempting to get her attention for some moments.
"I'm sorry Gwen, I was . . . thinking."
"I understand," Gwen said, "it's a difficult time."
Morgana blinked at Gwen confusedly before realising Gwen was offering sympathy to her. "Yes," Morgana said softly but she knew that Gwen was referring to Uther's ailment not the predicament Morgana faced. She looked Gwen full in the face and was surprised not to see even a tiny flicker of satisfaction in the situation. "Don't you think he deserves it?" Morgana suddenly burst out, "I mean after everything he did to your father, to others. To those children, he drowned!"
Gwen was taken aback and stood a moment quiet and thoughtful. "I don't know. It's not really my place to say."
"and if it was your place to say," Morgana insisted desperately, hoping Gwen could dispel her doubts.
"I honestly don't know," Gwen said, "I don't know if Uther's conscience is doing this or if this is some sort of punishment that he deserves. That doesn't matter to me, Uther doesn't matter to me. What matters is that you and Arthur are hurting over it."
"I'm not you know," Morgana confessed. "I hate him sometimes." She looked hard at Gwen who looked scandalised. "You don't though do you, Gwen? You really don't hate him."
"I don't want to be like him," Gwen said and there was a note of anger beneath the softly spoken words that hinted that there was some struggle there at least. "I won't let my grief turn into hate, the way Uther let his grief become. That's not what my father would want of me."
Morgana felt her heart tremble a little, a tear slipped down her cheek as she thought of her own father. Gorlois had died at Uther's hands but he would not have wanted his little girl to do this either. He would have expected so much more of her. To fight without these tactics. It made her think of Arthur again and how broken he seemed over Uther's illness.
"I've upset you," Gwen said alarmed.
"No," Morgana shook her head and smiled tenderly. She didn't know how she could explain what Gwen had done but was interrupted by a knock at the door.
Morgana hurriedly wiped her eyes and turned slightly away as she nodded towards Gwen to find out who it was.
"Gaius," Gwen greeted somewhat fearfully.
"Is it Uther?" Morgana cried alarmed, was it too late? Had she killed him? Murdered him?
"No," Gaius said quickly, "he remains unchanged milady. I am sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you. I was looking for Merlin. I thought either of you might have seen him."
The question was general, Morgana thought it was likely directed at Gwen and yet Gaius seemed to be looking at her.
"Not since yesterday," Gwen said off-handedly.
Morgana realised that Gaius must have an urgent need for Merlin if he'd come looking for him all the way up in her chambers.
"Is there a problem?" she asked.
"I'm not sure." Gaius gave a small shrug as if he would dismiss the matter.
She'd seen him do it often enough when her nightmares had come on. That tiny gesture was meant to dissuade her from pursuing her concerns usually when they were most justified. She hardened her stare. "What is it?"
Gaius relented. "Merlin didn't come home last night."
Morgana thought fast. That was absurd. She had returned to the castle with Merlin, he could not have been waylaid on his return, could he? "Have you checked the dungeons?"
"Milady?" Gaius was aghast at the suggestion.
Morgana hurried to explain, "it's just there was a curfew last night, maybe he was . . ." she faltered, "out on some errand or something."
Gaius looked even more serious if possible. "I would have thought I'd be informed but I will check. Thank you milady."
He was right though, he would have been informed. Or should have been. Maybe this was her fault. Maybe Merlin had decided he couldn't lie for her and so he'd done the next best thing and left the kingdom. He might even have returned to Ealdor. She might never see him again. But what of his life here as Arthur's servant? Or more convincingly his life with Gwen? Not that Gwen seemed to be concerned but surely Merlin would have said goodbye to Gwen if he intended to leave, even take Gwen with him unless he was too frightened to – Morgause had threatened him – he wouldn't put Gwen in danger. Morgana halted her thoughts. None of that mattered right now, not yet.
"Gaius!" Morgana called, "I need to speak to you for a moment. If you would."
"Certainly," he said.
"Gwen, could you?" Morgana indicated a need for privacy.
Gwen curtsied, "uh yes, I'll run those errands."
Morgana watched Gwen leave and then looked toward the expectant Gaius. Her heart was racing, there was no going back once she did this. She took a deep breath. "I've done something terrible Gaius. Several terrible things actually. Merlin knows about it."
"I see," Gaius said not terribly shocked so far but seeming uncomfortable. "I'm listening."
She began to pace, shooting him looks every few words to see how he would react. "I'm the reason Uther is going mad. I enchanted him. I've got magic, you knew that I think, " she waved her hands dismissively. "It's a root, mandrake, under the bed. I thought . . . I thought the kingdom would be better off under Arthur but," she down wearily on the bed, "I can't be like him. Like Uther. I can't. I won't. I can't save lives at the expense of all I am . . . or want to be. You've got to help Uther, Gaius." Me, she wanted to add. Help me.
Gaius did not move at first and Morgana wondered if he'd heard her or if he was contemplating calling the guards but slowly he approached her and took her hand. "I'm glad you've told me, Morgana. I'll see to Uther, you can trust me." Gaius patted her hand. "It's the right thing."
She looked up at him blearily, "Is it?"
"It is."
She'd needed to hear that and the physician seemed so certain.
"Don't worry, now that you've told me. I know what to do." Gaius stood ready to depart, placating her as if she was merely distressed and hadn't just revealed that she'd committed a treasonous crime that could mean her death.
"There's something else Gaius," she added tenuously. "Merlin discovered what I'd done last night. I made him promise not to say anything. He wasn't happy about it. He should have returned to his chambers but I think he may have left Camelot for good because of it."
"Ah," Gaius responded.
Morgana watched Gaius' expression, his wrinkled his brow, his eyes calculating the odds. He evidently believed it was possible. "Do you think he'll come back when he hears Uther is cured? If Uther is cured? For Gwen's sake at least?" Morgana meant that. Merlin's home was here where people cared about him, people like Gaius, Arthur and Gwen. She'd never wanted to take that from him. She, if nothing else, knew belonging was important.
"Gwen's sake?" Gaius said confusedly.
Morgana hesitated, "aren't they . . . close? I thought while I was away maybe they had –."
Gaius shook his head, "I don't think so. In fact, I'm positive they are just friends."
"Oh," Morgana said, she could hardly process what she felt the timing was poor – too little too late.
"But I'm sure Merlin has not left Camelot," Gaius unexpectedly offered. "He's probably off doing some early chore for Arthur that he forgot to do yesterday and I just happened to miss him this morning. He'll turn up – I promise you."
Gaius was sincere in his belief though Morgana didn't know how he could be. Nonetheless, she did hope he was right.
"Now," Gaius said, "I must go see to Uther. We'll speak again later."
"I'm afraid not. I'll be leaving Gaius," Morgana informed him.
"No Morgana, you can't!" Gaius broke in.
"I certainly can," she countered imperiously. "I'm not staying around to be executed and I warn you Gaius not to get in my way." She had no plans to hurt him but she couldn't let her stop from leaving.
"Morgana, you've seen how Uther pursued you when you were lost. He has severely compromised the kingdom already. I fear Camelot cannot take another one of his crusades."
"What do you suggest I do Gaius sacrifice myself for Camelot to satisfy Uther's bloodlust?" Morgana scoffed.
"No milady, I'm suggesting you have no reason to leave. Uther need not know what has transpired. I assume you have told no one else."
Morgana gasped. Never did she think Gaius would cover for her. "Only Merlin," she said.
"You can trust Merlin," Gaius said slowly, "and you know you can trust me. I've only ever looked out for you."
Morgana wasn't sure. Gaius had kept quiet about his suspicions when the witchfinder was here to his own detriment and she'd not forgotten that but he'd also kept her abilities from her. In some ways, she understood why but it had left her so alone and frightened. Over time those feelings abated as she came to know her magic but Gaius made her uneasy.
"Uther dotes on you," Gaius was frank, "I do not think he would believe me if I told him and if he should I do not think in his current state he would recover from the shock."
"Uther dotes on me so long as I play the doting ward. If he knew Gaius . . . he has threatened me too many times in anger for me to be fooled," Morgana shrugged.
"Perhaps," Gaius conceded. "It is your decision Morgana but I think your presence here is necessary for Camelot. At least for now."
Morgana considered this, she wasn't sure what good she could do here in Camelot but returning to Morgause did not offer immediately anything better. "I don't know if I can trust you, Gaius. I'm sorry if that upsets you."
"You can milady. I swear on my life I will not reveal your involvement."
"No," she said, "swear to me on Merlin's life."
Gaius' mouth drew together before he finally nodded. "I swear on Merlin's life."
She did believe that promise. Gaius cared for Merlin more than himself. "Are you sure though Gaius? Are you sure you want to do this? You know what it means?" This time her concern was for the physician.
"Yes."
"Very well, I will stay. For now." She warned. She would make no promises, not where Uther was concerned.
"What will you tell Uther?" she said.
"That it was an illness brought on by exhaustion," Gaius said confidently.
"He won't believe it."
"I am his physician. I will make sure he does."
Morgana had no choice but to hope so.
"Thank you, Gaius," she said, "I do mean that."
"Milady," Gaius bowed.
Morgana watched him go. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She had to turn her thoughts now to informing Morgause. She would have to go in person. They had not planned to meet for a few more days. She wondered how Morgause would take the news. Would she be disappointed in her? Angry? Would she, could she understand?
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Author's note - thankyou for all the reviews and follows they are appreciated. I hope you are continuing to enjoy it. There is plenty more to go - honestly this has turned into a bigger project than I had planned but I want to see it through until all things are right and we know that Camelot is on the path to greatness.