One Piece: Strawhat Theater
"Our Mrs. Monkey"
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.
On the way to Alabasta...
"Eh?" Usopp grunted curiously, adjusting his telescope. He could see an object on the horizon closing on the boat. "Hey! We've got incoming!" The sniper yelled.
Zoro perked up. "Hm? Is it an enemy?" The pirate hunter called. Usopp frowned.
"Looks like a bird!"
"Ah? How big a bird?" Chopper cried, recalling the giant seagull that had buzzed them not too long ago. Luffy grinned as Sanji, Vivi and Nami all made it to the deck.
"No! It's a small one, regular sized..." Usopp lowered his telescope as the bird came in for a landing. "Ah! It's a mail bird!"
"About time! I was starting to think we couldn't get mail out on the Grand Line," Nami said with a smile. The bird held out a newspaper, and Nami gave the bird a coin. The bird cleared its throat and glowered. Nami grumbled, and gave it a little extra. With a flap of its wings, the bird was off. Nami opened the paper, and a wanted poster among a few other papers slipped out. "Hm?" She stooped down, picked them up, looked them over... And her eyes widened.
"WHAT?" She shrieked.
"What is it?" Luffy asked, hopping up to the second deck of the superstructure and reaching for the papers. Nami turned away.
"It's nothing!" She said. "Luffy can I have a word with you in private, please?" She asked through gritted teeth.
Luffy blinked. "Will I see the-"
"YES YOU WILL!" Nami cried.
"Can we see the-?" Sanji tried, but Nami shot him a deadly glare.
"NO YOU CAN'T!" Nami grabbed Luffy by the wrist and yanked him into her room. The door slammed shut behind them. Sanji blinked, and sighed as he turned away.
"Ah, the wonderful, unknown ways that woman's mind works," Sanji sighed happily. He then noticed the other members of the crew trying to eavesdrop, and angirly he kicked them off the railing.
"UWAH!" Usopp shouted as he hit the deck.
"GAH!" Chopper cried. They both slammed into the deck hard, as Sanji glared down at them.
"Don't pester Nami-swan while she's in a meeting!" He swore.
"Vivi though can eavesdrop just fine, huh?" Zoro asked dryly. Sanji looked over at the princess, who blushed from her position at the door.
"Well, um..."
"Of course she can!" Sanji said cheerfully. "Vivi-swan can do anything she likes!"
"Hey! That's not fair!" Usopp cried.
"Yeah you jerk! Why aren't you letting us listen?" Chopper demanded.
"Now what could they be talking about, I wonder?" Sanji muttered, bending down with Vivi to listen in. Usopp and Chopper's jaws dropped.
"YOU HYPOCRITE!" They shouted, and they fell upon the cook in a dustcloud of limbs. Vivi laughed, and then pressed her ear to the door to listen.
"... can't believe you didn't tell me that your grandpa is a freaking admiral!" Nami shouted.
"Vice-admiral, actually, it's like an admiral but not as-OW!" Luffy explained, but was cut off presumably by a blow from Nami.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Nami demanded.
"You never asked!" Luffy said. "I mean, this marriage isn't getting off to a good start if you don't ask me anythin-GAH!"
"WE'RE NOT MARRIED, LUFFY!" Nami shouted.
A beat.
"... Yes we are-"
"NO WE'RE NOT!" Nami cried. "Just-Just because the documents were really processed doesn't mean we're married!"
"Well why not?" Luffy asked, and Vivi could imagine him pouting at the redheaded navigator.
"B-Because we don't... I don't..." Nami tried.
"So we're married. What's wrong with that?" Luffy asked.
"Do you even know how marriage works, Luffy?" Nami asked flatly, and she sounded like she had a hand pressed to the side of her head like she did when she had a headache.
"Sure. It's like being nakama, only different," Luffy said.
"That's not all there is to it, Luffy!" Nami said in exasperation. "I-I mean, when two people get married-"
"They do it because they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together," Luffy said, as though reading off of something. "Well, isn't that us?"
"W-What?" Nami gasped.
"Well, I love you," Luffy said, "and we're gonna be together forever-"
"You-You shouldn't say that so easily," Nami said, sounding unsteady. Vivi blushed a bit, and imagined the similar tint was on Nami's cheeks.
"Why not?" Luffy asked. "I do!"
"Yeah, like you love everyone else on the ship right?" Nami asked.
"Sure! I do! I wouldn't say that to them though," Luffy said. "Too mushy, ya know?"
"So you're mushy for me?" Nami demanded.
"Yep! That's what you are for your wife," Luffy said happily. "Like this!"
"Ah? Luffy, wh-what are you doing?" Nami gasped. Vivi's blush darkened, and she covered her mouth as she heard Nami giggle. "Hahahah-Heehehe-St-Stop it! Stop that, I'll kick your ass, ahahahaha!"
"Oh wow," Usopp muttered, listening through a glass. "What the heck are they doing?"
"I wanna know too!" Chopper said.
"That bastard, I should kill him," Sanji snarled.
"Oh quit your bitching, you were fine with them being together at Cocoyashi," Zoro snorted.
"Eh?" Vivi cried, seeing that now the entire crew was eavesdropping. "What are you-?"
"Shhh!" They shushed her. Vivi relented and resumed listening.
"L-Luffy!" Nami said, sounding like she'd gotten control again. "Luffy, look... We didn't actually... I mean, I don't..."
"Nami," Luffy said, "so we're married. So what? It's a journey, right?"
"It's not a literal journey, Luffy," Nami said, exasperated.
"But we're on a journey, so why not?" Luffy asked.
"You don't know everything there is to know about-about marriage and I... I don't know if I want to be married," Nami admitted softly.
"Do you?" Luffy asked.
"What?"
"Do you know everything there is to know about marriage? I mean, you're a navigator and it's a journey-"
"Not that kind of journey, Luffy! And no, I don't!"
"So how do you know you don't want to be married?" Luffy asked.
"The way his mind works is frightening, isn't it?" Usopp muttered.
"Tell me about it," Zoro sighed.
"Nami-swannn," Sanji sobbed. "I can't believe this...!"
"The hell's your problem? What woman isn't yours in this world?" Zoro asked in disbelief.
"All beautiful women are mine!" Sanji growled. "They just don't all know it yet!"
"Selfish bastard!" Usopp hissed. "Save some for the rest of us!"
"Never!"
"Ahem?" Vivi said flatly. Sanji looked at her with hearts in his eyes.
"Am I being too forward, Vivi-darling?"
"Just a bit," the princess replied with a scowl. "Now shush!"
"I-I just," Nami tried. "I mean..."
"Look, we're on this journey together, right? So let's see what happens!" Luffy said cheerfully. "It's like an adventure! And you trust me, right?"
"I... I do," Nami admitted.
"And I trust you," Luffy said. "So what's the big deal?"
"... You really are an idiot, you know that?" Nami said with a sigh, and Vivi imagined the soft smile on the navigator's face. It was the same expression she wore around Luffy when she was sure he wasn't looking.
"Yeah, but that's why I've got you," Luffy said.
Sanji was crying, unable to decide if he should be smiling or gnashing his teeth so he did both and looked a bit like a dog trying to chew a chocolate toffee.
"Hmm... He seems smoother than you, Sanji," Usopp said with a grin."Who knew?"
"Take that back, you Longnosed bastard!" Sanji snarled. He grabbed Usopp and began choking him, as Chopper, Zoro and Vivi tried to haul him off.
"Let go! You're gonna kill him!" Chopper gasped.
"No sense in jealousy, shitty cook!"
"YOU'RE NEXT!" Sanji snarled.
"Sanji, pleassse!" Vivi cried, hugging Sanji from behind. Sanji grinned and his eyes exploded into hearts.
"Vivi-channnnn~!"
"AAAHHHH!"
He kicked off in excitement, and sent the entire crew crashing through the door into the charting room.
Nami glared down at them, while Luffy was hugging her. She sighed in disgust. "I knew it," she said flatly.
"Nami-swan, please believe me, I didn't want any part of this-!"
"It was all Sanji's idea, and Chopper's!" Usopp said quickly.
"HEY! DON'T GO PINNING THIS ON ME!" Chopper said angrily.
"I was trying to keep these idiots from doing anything-!" Zoro said.
"I'm really sorry Nami!" Vivi said.
Nami sighed, and pulled away from Luffy. The rubber man released her, and grinned.
"Hey, can I show 'em?" Luffy asked. Nami rubbed her forehead, smiling oddly at her captain and husband.
"Sure," she said with a sigh. Luffy grinned, and held out a wanted poster.
Upon it was a picture from the almost wedding on Cocoyashi-Nami and Luffy at the altar. Luffy was grinning, and Nami looked bewildered.
"'Strawhat" Monkey D. Luffy and "Burglar Cat" Monkey D. Nami-Double Bounty for the nefarious pirate husband and wife?'" The crew read aloud. Sanji wept loudly.
"Nooooo!"
"I knew someone was taking pictures!" Usopp said with a grin. He groaned. "But they cut off my head in this one!"
"Well maybe you shouldn't have been standing on a box, huh?" Zoro said dryly.
"Ooh! Double bounty, neato!" Chopper cried. "I can't wait until I get a bounty!"
Vivi stood up from the tangled pile, walked over to Nami and hugged her. "Congratulations," she said. Nami sighed, hugged Vivi back, and looked over at her husband who was now poking his crew and laughing.
"Yeah, lucky me," Nami said dryly.
She couldn't quite keep a smile off her face though, Vivi noted.
Later that night, Nami had finished plotting their final course into Alabasta. She nodded, satisfied, and turned to head for the hatch.
It opened, and standing there was Luffy with a pillow and blanket. Nami scowled.
"Luffy, what are you doing here?"
"Vivi told me that it wasn't right for you to bar me from our room since we're married," Luffy said. He frowned. "And Sanji agreed."
Nami growled. "That perverted lech! I'll-Wait, what about everyone else?"
There was a loud banging.
"DAMNIT SHITTY COOK, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!"
"GO SLEEP OUTSIDE MOSSHEAD! I'M NOT LETTING A BUNCH OF SCOUNDRELS LIKE YOU SLEEP NEAR PRINCESS VIVI!"
"YOU'RE THE SCOUNDREL AROUND HERE!" Zoro retorted.
"AH! SANJI, COME ON! MY 'CAN'T-SLEEP-OUTSIDE-ILLNESS' IS ACTING UP AGAIN! HAVE A HEART!"
"I'LL CONFIRM THAT! WE'VE ALL GOT THAT!" Chopper added. "I'M A DOCTOR AFTER ALL!"
"NOW YOU REMEMBER?" Usopp and Zoro bellowed.
Nami groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Great..."
The next few days were hectic, and the marriage situation didn't come up save for a few jokes from Usopp and Zoro, Sanji's crying, and Vivi's giggles. After a narrow escape from the Marines, the subject reared it's ugly head out from the port of Nanohana where the Strawhats had recently escaped Captain Smoker's pursuit. Along the way, they had picked up a new passenger.
A new, extremely handsome passenger who did not wear a shirt, much to the joy of the female crewmembers.
"So Luffy," Ace said, sitting on a barrel on deck with a smile. "Been getting into trouble, I've read."
"Oh yeah! You know me!" Luffy laughed, rubbing the back of his head. Ace nodded and then adopted a scowl.
"However, I've also heard something else," he said in an almost dangerous tone. Chopper gulped and Usopp began to back away from Luffy's general area. He'd seen part of Ace's battle with Smoker, and he did not fancy the idea of getting fried.
"Something you've been keeping from me," Ace continued flatly. "That you should have told me about sooner..." He stood up and moved, so fast that Nami couldn't track him. He put Luffy in a tight hug and laughed loudly. "You lucky jerk! Why didn't you invite me to the wedding?"
"Eh?" Nami cried, throwing her arms up. "H-Hey, hang on, we didn't-!"
"Oh, few months ago," Luffy said obliviously. "It just kind of happened! I didn't even know we were married for a while!"
Ace laughed, as though this was entirely expected. "Hahahah! Figures that's how it would happen, little brother!" He looked between Vivi (who was giggling) and Nami. "So, who's the lucky girl?"
"She is," Zoro said, pointing to Nami.
"ZORO!" Nami shrieked. "EEP!" Ace's strong arm wrapped around her and yanked her into a tight group hug.
"Hahaha! Welcome to the family!" Ace laughed. "You must be some kind of girl to make Luffy go the extra mile!"
"She sure is!" Luffy said cheerfully.
"Luffy! Stop!" Nami groaned and looked at the rest of the crew. "Look, it's not-We aren't really married! Tell 'em!"
"Oh no! There's no need to hide it!" Usopp chuckled, his eyes glinting evilly. "Why, these two loves birds-Half the time we can't keep them apart!"
"They're so affectionate sometimes it's sickening," Zoro said nastily.
"Eh? I thought they slept separately?" Chopper said, scratching his head. "Shouldn't they sleep together if they're married?"
"It's for crew morale," Sanji growled through his bitter tears. "To try and lessen some people's desire to poison his food..."
Vivi just kept laughing.
"I WILL MURDER YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP!" Nami shrieked. Ace raised his eyebrows.
"You sure landed yourself a feisty one, little brother."
"Oh that's okay," Luffy said cheerfully, "I know how to handle her."
Ace gaped in disbelief... And then sighed with a happy smile before mussing his brother's hair.
"And here I was starting to worry about you..."
Needless to say, when Ace headed off again it was something of a relief...
However, the journey across the desert was taxing and difficult, and it was not helped by Luffy eating some cacti that caused hallucinations.
"CROCODILLLLE!" Luffy bellowed, enraged, as he swung his fists at the air. "YOU BASTARD! I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS! CROCODILLLE!"
"Ugh! This is going to slow us down even more!" Nami groaned. "All right," she turned back to the party. "I think it's only fair if one of us stays behind to keep him safe. And that should be-"
"Nami," Zoro said.
"Nami," Usopp voted.
"Nami," Chopper moaned from the litter the crew had cobbled together.
"WHAT? LEAVING NAMI-SWAN ALL ALONE IN THE DESERT WITH A HALLUCINATING LUFFY?" Sanji demanded. "WHAT ARE YOU, BARBARIANS?"
"Hrrf!" Eyelash voted no, which got him kicked in the face by Sanji.
"PERVERTED CAMEL!" Sanji bellowed.
"Well Nami," Vivi said, smiling softly, "you are married."
"Sickness and health, after all!" Usopp said.
"WHAT ABOUT YOUR DEBT TO ME?" Nami screamed, shaking her fists.
"What about your husband?" Zoro asked, pointing behind Nami. Nami looked back over her shoulder, and saw Luffy was running off.
"CROCODILE! YOU BASTARRRD!"
"What about your CAPTAIN?" Shouted Nami as she turned back. The rest of the crew was now some distance away. "HEY! YOU BASTARDS!"
"Sorry Nami! Payback's a bitch!" Zoro taunted.
"See you when you catch up!" Usopp shouted, waving. Sanji was tied up and lying over Vivi's lap, as Eyelash reluctantly carried the squirming, furious man.
"Drink plenty of water but save it! Good luck Nami!" Chopper shouted, waving adorably.
"I WILL TURN YOU INTO A RUG! I SWEAR!" Nami shouted. She looked back and saw that Luffy was getting even further away. With a sigh she rushed after their wayward captain, grumbling.
Marriage fucking sucks...!
Luffy was, unfortunately, very fast. Nami soon lost track of him, and her anger mixed with very real fear. She panted for breath, and risked a sip of water.
"Where did he go? Come on Nami, think! How can I get him back?"
"CROCODILLLLE!" Luffy screamed in the distance. Her eyes widened... And then she smirked. She cleared her throat.
"LUFFY!" She shrieked at the top of her lungs. "LUFFY, HELP! CROCODILE'S ATTACKING ME!"
Luffy's head popped up over a nearby sand dune, and he ran over the dunes with his fists swinging.
"CROCODILE! YOU BASTARD! I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY WIFE YOU BASTARD! RAWRRRR!" He leaped high into the air above Nami, and the redhead's eyes widened.
No... He won't... Not to me...!
"GUM GUM...!"
"LUFFY!" Nami screamed, now in genuine fear. She ducked down and covered her head, closing her eyes.
"GATLING GUNNN!" Hundreds of blows rained down, all around her, kicking up sand into a dustcloud around her. She trembled as felt the ground shake from the power of the strikes. Any second now, a blow might land on her head and shatter it like a watermelon...!
The blows stopped, and Luffy landed right in front of her. His eyes were crazed as he looked around frantically.
"CROCODILE! YOU FUCKING BASTARD! GET OUT HERRRE! NAMIIIII!"
Nami lunged for him, and tackled him to the ground in a tight hug. "I-I'm here! I'm here, you idiot!" She clutched at him with all of her strength, and he soon stilled. He reached up to hug her tightly, and she squeaked.
"Nami... Where's Crocodile?" He growled.
"He's NOT HERE, you idiot!" Nami cried. "You're hallucinating!"
"Eh? But he's here...! That bastard!" Luffy growled. He hopped up, and Nami yelped as she fruitlessly clung to him. He threw his arms back, eyes narrowed in fury.
I've got to stop him! But how? I need to distract him, get all his... Attention... She shook her head. No way! Luffy may have been happy about marriage, but that...
"GUM GUM...!"
Not a lot of choice...! She pulled herself up and planted her lips against his.
"Mmph?" She kissed him deeply, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck and her legs going around his waist. She pressed herself fully against him and buried her tongue in his mouth.
A moment later, Luffy wrapped his arms around her, and his tongue was working against hers. Nami's eyes widened.
Oh my... He... He's responding...? He wasn't clumsy with his tongue, he wasn't slobbering all over her mouth-No, he was dancing with her tongue. Passionately enough to make her knees weak. And even with the heat of the desert sun she felt hotter still as his hands began to roam and...
He dropped her abruptly, and she landed on her butt hard.
"Ah?" Nami gasped. She glared up at him. "What the hell-?"
"SANJI! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Luffy yelled, shaking his fist at the air. "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY WIFE YOU BASTARD! I DON'T NEED YOU TELLING ME I SUCK!"
Nami stared up at Luffy, as her captain/husband leaped over her and ran after his latest hallucination. "I FOLLOWED ALL YOUR INSTRUCTIONS TOO! NAMI THINKS I'M GREAT! STOP BEING A CANTALOPE! RAWRRRR!"
Nami sighed, and held hands to her bright red cheeks. She then lowered them and formed them into fists.
"Marriage sucks, but it can't be as bad as widowhood," she snarled as she got up and chased after Luffy.
As for Sanji... She'd decide whether to kill him or thank him depending on how she was feeling when they caught up...
And they managed to catch up to the Sandhats just as night was falling. They had set up camp at the ruins of the town called Yuba, and waiting to greet them was Sanji, who waved with hearts in his eyes.
"Nami-swan, my darling!" He cried. "I'm so glad to see you're safe! Those bastards were just so willing to leave you behind just like you have and-"
"SANJI!" Luffy bellowed, shaking his fists and charging for Sanji. "YOU BASTARD!"
"Eh?" Sanji blinked, and narrowed his eyes. "Oh? This is the thanks I get, you jerk?" He grinned darkly as he flexed his legs.
"I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU UP! YOU CANTALOPE!" Luffy yelled.
"WELL YOU'RE A POORLY PREPARED SIDE OF BEEF!" Sanji shouted back. "BRING IT ON!"
"I'LL BRING IT ON EVEN MORE YOU MELON HEADED-BWAHK!" Luffy's face slammed into the desert, thanks to a blow from behind. Sanji smiled, looking relieved.
"Ah, Nami-swan, I'm so glad you interven-URK!"
"Sanjiiii..." Nami snarled, cracking her knuckles in preparation for another hit. Luffy slowly looked up, spitting sand out of his mouth.
"Eh? Nami?" He asked, looking aghast. "Why're you hitting Sanji?"
"I'll tell you later Luffy, now go into camp and get some food," Nami said with a smile. Luffy grinned and threw his hands up.
"Oh boy! Food! Works for me! Thanks Nami! I love you!" He ran off into the ruins of the town, leaving a lightly blushing Nami and a confused Sanji. He looked up at her and smiled disarmingly.
"Now Nami-swan, I don't think it'd be right to be the other man in this relationship. I mean, as much as I'd like to-"
"Can it," Nami growled. "Luffy told me about some lessons you and he have been having." She grabbed Sanji by the lapels and shook him. "Just what kind of lessons were they, huh?"
"Ah! Oh! N-Nami-swan, wait! Please, let me explain!" Sanji said. He took her hands and pulled them away gently. He took out another cigarette and lit up, calming his nerves. "You see... Actually... Luffy sought me out for lessons."
Nami blinked. "I... What?"
Sanji nodded. "Oh yes..."
"Hey Sanji!" Luffy said, looking small and cross-eyed. "I have somehow, by the grace of God and entirely unfairly, gotten a girl who is wayyyy too good for me and would be far better with you. But I want to know how to make her tolerate my mere existence!"
"Ha!" Sanji said, shining like a god. "Despite how utterly pathetic you are, I, Sanji, World's greatest lover, will instruct you in the ways of pleasing women! As I would be doing with Nami-swan right now if not for you!"
"Durrr... You're right Sanji!" Luffy sighed. "I'm just no good compared to a dynamo like-"
Sanji's reverie was interrupted by Nami's fist to his face.
"Stick to the facts, please," Nami growled.
"Ah, Nami-swan is so discerning with her beautiful-"
"SANJI!"
"Oh all right," Sanji sighed.
"Hey Sanji?" Luffy asked, standing in the galley door. Sanji looked from his cooking at the oven with a raised eyebrow.
"Luffy, food's not going to be ready for another-"
"I'm not here for food," Luffy said, looking unexpectedly serious. Sanji's jaw dropped, his ever present cigarette dropping from his mouth. His cooking utensils fell from his hands.
"I... It... What?" Sanji managed. Luffy looked right in Sanji's eyes, piercing and solemn.
"I want to know... How to be a good husband for Nami," he said. Sanji blinked rapidly.
"Why should I help you?" Sanji asked flatly.
"Because I promised to never make her cry," Luffy said with absolute seriousness, "and I know you don't want to see her cry either. So please... Teach me how to be a good husband!"
Sanji was silent, warring internally. He closed his eyes. In all honesty, his hostility towards Luffy over this was instinctive now, not meant seriously. And Nami did seem to like Luffy, more than she'd admit. She was that kind of woman, after all.
A bit of pride emerged in his heart. The captain, Monkey D. Luffy, asking him for advice about girls! It was unheard of! Incredible! Unbelievable! Not only had he gotten the lovely Nami as his wife, he hadn't the slightest clue what to do with her and yet... Here he was, asking...
Him. Despite everything. He was some kind of kid.
He took out a fresh cigarette, lit it, and took a long drag off it.
He slowly nodded.
"Okay Luffy..." His eyes narrowed. "Let's start with our first lesson then."
"Just like that?" Nami asked in disbelief.
"Nami-swan, for you, I would even teach Luffy how to be a man," Sanji said earnestly. He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "It was not easy though..."
"DAMNIT LUFFY! NAMI'S BIRTHDAY IS NOT CHRISTMAS!"
"Why not?"
"IT'S CHRISTMAS YOU IDIOT!"
"Well how am I supposed to remember-"
"YOU'RE HER HUSBAND! YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER!" Sanji took deep breaths, and several drags off his cigarette. The soothing nicotine hit his system, and he released his breath out in a large, calming cloud. "Okay... Let's try this another way. What numbers do you remember about Nami?"
"37, 21, 33," Luffy said automatically.
Sanji slowly nodded. "All right, that's a good start..."
"MY MEASUREMENTS?" Nami cried, blushing brightly as she punched Sanji again.
"It-It was easy for him to remember?" Sanji offered. His eyes turned into hearts again. "As they would be for any man~!"
Nami huffed indignantly, wrapping her arms around her chest.
"That... That doesn't explain how he... He..." She went bright red and it was definitely not because of the sun. Sanji blinked, and rubbed his chin.
"Hmmm? What'd he do?"
"He... Um... Well, to stop him from going crazy during his hallucination, I had to... Um..."
"Oh Luffy, my husband," Nami sighed, opening her robe a bit to show off the tiniest bit of skin, "the only way to cure you of your madness is..." She bit down on a fingernail and looked at Luffy with a rose tinted backdrop. "My body... Please, take me!"
"NAMI-SWANNN!" Sanji cried with hearts for eyes while wearing an extremely poor Luffy disguise.
THWACK!
"It wasn't like that!" Nami shouted. "I just... I kissed him to make him stop rampaging... And he kissed me back, and um..."
"Owww... Nami, your love hurts far too much for any man but Luffy," Sanji sighed, tears running down his face as Nami glared down at him.
"Sanji!"
"Right, well... I had to use some... Aids," Sanji said. "That he would understand."
"Here," Sanji said, holding up two melons. "Hold these... Carefully."
Luffy held them, mouth watering, but before he could chomp them down Sanji hit him. "Ow!"
"Pay attention!" Sanji growled. "With a woman, you have to take things slow, at first, and then speed up! You can't just gobble them down!"
"What? Why not?" Luffy asked.
"Because women have feelings, food does not," Sanji said. "You don't want to hurt Nami's feelings, right?"
Luffy again wore that strangely serious face. "No! I don't!"
"Good... So consider this training," Sanji said.
"Training?" Luffy asked.
"Luffy," Sanji said, holding a hand on Luffy's shoulder and stretching his arm out to the far horizon. "Throughout history, there have been men who could fight and defeat even the strongest opponent all because of the love of a beautiful, wonderful woman! Men who could risk it all and fight to the death if only for the chance to come back to their beloved!"
"But I'd fight and win for any of my nakama!" Luffy protested. Sanji grinned and clapped Luffy on the shoulder.
"I know that Luffy, but with a wife, it's a little different. Not more important than your nakama when it comes to fighting and or dying for them, but with a wife, well... It's like your soul is bound to hers, and hers to yours!" His eyes seemed to glow. "True love between a man and woman allows a man to do anything! Absolutely anything! And the more you invest in your marriage, the more you get out of it!"
Luffy gasped. "So you mean... Being a good husband is... Like training?"
Sanji grinned as he saw absolute comprehension in Luffy's eyes. He'd found his in! The way to teach this thickheaded moron!
"Yes! To become pirate king requires you to master all aspects of your life, Luffy! Including being... A husband!"
"YOSH!" Luffy cried, fire in his eyes as he held the melons aloft. "THEN I WILL BE THE BEST HUSBAND EVER!"
SQUISH!
Luffy blinked and looked up at his hands, now covered in melon juice. He looked over at Sanji, who was trembling. He laughed a bit nervously. "Oops... Um... Guess I need to train more, huh?"
"Those... Were our last... pieces... of Fruit..." Sanji's entire body seemed to burst into flames as he spun around. "YOU LITTLE-!"
"So that's why there was a new hole in the bulkhead when I woke up," Nami said dryly. Sanji slid to his knees and clasped his hands together, tears running from his eyes.
"Please Nami-swan, believe me! It was all for you! No matter what it takes, I will make sure Luffy makes you happy even if I myself cannot!"
Nami blushed brightly, something that had been happening regarding Luffy a lot lately. It pissed her off a bit, how easily this stupid rubber man and this crew of morons could slip through her defenses, but... She'd left that entirely cold, cynical bitch behind in the ruins of Arlong Park.
"Thanks Sanji," Nami said. Sanji rose and smiled back.
"You're welcome, Nami..."
"... One thing I don't get," Nami said with a frown. "Why would he hallucinate you criticizing his... Kissing technique?" She raised an eyebrow.
Sanji coughed, and turned away. "There are some things, Nami-swan, that must be kept between men," he said. He then shuddered, and developed a thousand yard stare.
"Yes... Totally between men..."
Nami stared at Sanji, her imagination running wild.
"Luffy," Sanji said, surrounded by bishonen sparkles, "kissing you is as close to kissing Nami as I will ever get!"
"Ah, Sanji, I don't know how any of this is supposed to work! I'm so innocent and ignorant of the ways of men and women," Luffy, looking quite bishonen as well, whimpered. Sanji reached over and touched Luffy's cheek.
"Don't worry Luffy... Just leave everything to me-"
"IT WASN'T REMOTELY LIKE THAT!" Sanji yelled, shaking his fists.
Later that night,Nami had just slipped into a wonderful sleep when she felt a hand shaking her shoulder. She slowly awoke, the intense desire to kill someone fueling her rapid return to the world of the living.
"Hmmm...? Mwah...? Wha...?"
"Nami? Hey, Nami?" Luffy whispered. "Hey! Wake up! Wake-MMPH!"
Pulling back her fist, Nami gave Luffy a scowl as she sat up. He laid on the floor before her, a bruise on his cheek.
"Luffy, what the hell are you waking me up for in the middle of the night?" She asked, her eyes dark and dangerous as Luffy got back on his feet. Luffy gulped, but seemed to steel himself and looked Nami in the eyes with a deadly serious look.
That took her aback briefly-Luffy? Serious? "What is it? Everything okay?" She asked urgently.
"No," Luffy said. He rested a hand on hers. "Nami? I don't like it when you hit Sanji."
Nami gaped. "Eh?" She then scowled. "Why not?"
"I don't like it when you hit him. Or any other guys," Luffy continued. "I don't..." He frowned, and shook his head. "Like it."
"And why not?" Nami asked flatly.
"Because..." And here Luffy looked right into her eyes. "I don't want you hitting any man but me. Unless they're trying to kill you or hurt you or REALLY piss you off or something. Okay?"
Nami felt her jaw slacken, and she found herself giggling. Luffy was... Jealous?
"Hey! This isn't a joke, I'm serious!" Luffy insisted. Nami continued giggling, and hugged him.
"All right... I'll keep the hitting between us," Nami said, keeping her laughter down. Luffy smiled brightly.
"Really?" He then seemed to realize he was grinning, and then adopted a serious expression that reminded Nami a bit of Sanji.
"I mean... Good." He nodded.
"Relax," Nami said earnestly. "There's no one I like hitting more than you, Luffy."
Again Luffy brightened, and again he became serious. "Oh. Good! Ahem."
Nami punched him into the floor, face first. "So don't wake me up again unless it's something really important!" She hissed.
"Ow. Okay!" Luffy said, sitting up with a victory sign and a grin. Nami grinned back.
"... Would you two get a room already if you're going to keep this up?" Usopp asked, annoyed. "I'm trying to sleep-BWAH!" He was soon eating Nami's fist. The redhead glared down at the felled sniper, before she heard Luffy clear his throat. She looked back and smiled sheepishly.
"Sorry..."
"You're hitting me extra hard for this tomorrow," Luffy said.
"I'll remember," Nami sighed, shaking her head in some disbelief.
Not sure how in depth to go into the Alabasta arc itself, but there will be a scene for after Crocodile is defeated. This is primarily a comedy series after all.