One Piece: Strawhat Theater
"Our Mrs. Monkey"
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.
Set right after Enies Lobby...
Water 7
The Marines had come out of nowhere and completely surrounded the Strawhats. Luffy growled as he looked around at his foes, and readied his fists. Nico Robin, recently rescued from Enies Lobby, held her arms aloft. Nami readied her Climatact, eyes narrowed and focused. Sanji lit his cigarette, and cracked his neck as he stood akimbo. Zoro rested his hand upon his swords, eyes shadowed. Chopper held a Rumble Ball, ready to bite down and fight. Franky cracked his knuckles, the sunlight glinting off his sunglasses.
Out of the crowd of Marines came a great hulking figure. And Luffy gaped as Nami growled.
"Grandpa? You again?" Luffy gasped.
"LUFFY!" Garp growled. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared. "You can't get away this time, Luffy! Not after what you pulled!"
Luffy glared back defiantly. "Grandpa... I did it to save my nakama!" He flexed his rubbery wrists-Reluctant, but willing to fight. "I'd die before I let even one of them be executed!"
Garp sighed deeply, closing his eyes. "I thought as much... You're as stubborn as your father, brother, mother... But I've got a foolproof trap for you, Strawhat Luffy! That not even you can escape!"
"Oh yeah? What?" Luffy demanded.
Garp glared. "YOU OWE ME A WEDDING!"
Silence fell over the pirates and Marines alike. Nami's jaw dropped, before she glowered.
"What the HELL?"
"That's right, Strawhat Luffy!" Garp boomed. "You owe me a wedding, since you didn't invite me to yours!" He motioned back behind him. "I even brought my granddaughter-in-law's family along to see it!"
"Hey Nami!" Nojiko said, waving. Genzo also sat there, looking a bit nervous as his pinwheel turned. Nami's eyes took on a red color.
"You... Dare... To kidnap... MY FAMILY?" Nami roared. Garp was actually intimidated enough to take a step back, but he kept up his smile.
"Uh, Nami, calm down," Luffy tried.
"Seriously! Cool it!" Zoro insisted.
"Kidnapped? BWAHAHAHA!" Garp laughed. "Of course not! What do you take me for, a pirate?"
"HEY!"
"Um, sir?" Coby asked, the short pink chief petty officer said, "we did kind of take them against their will-"
"Like I said, what do you take me for, a pirate?" Garp growled. Coby coughed, and looked to the side.
"Aye sir!"
"Anyway! This brilliant trap can only be escaped if you get by me," Garp growled. "And that's not gonna happen!"
"Oh yeah?" Luffy demanded, clenching his fists.
"... There will be cake and meat," Garp said.
Luffy blinked, hummed, considered...
"How much?"
"LUFFY!" His crew screamed.
"Oh come on! You're not seriously falling for this crap, are you?" Nami demanded. "A wedding? Really?"
"I've already had your wedding dress made up," Garp said, and a few hapless marines showed a beautiful white dress off. Nami stared in shock.
"Are those... Sea diamonds?"
"The very same," Garp said.
"I helped model it, since we match so closely!" Nojiko called.
"Nami, don't fall for it!" Sanji warned. "Come on, it's not worth it!"
Nami frowned and looked up at Garp. The vice admiral looked back, gaze still stern... And then he winked.
He winked.
"... Well, I guess we're captured," Nami said, shrugging. She looked over at Luffy, who stared at her... And then smiled back.
"Yep! Guess we surrender!"
"WHAT?" Screeched the rest of the crew.
"Luffy's lost his mind! Someone snap him out of it!" Franky shouted. "COMMON SENSE BOOSTERRR!" He shook Luffy frantically. "RELEASSSSE!"
"WAHWAHWAHWAH-St-STOP! STOP! I know what I'm doing!" Luffy growled. He looked at the rest of his crew. "This isn't going to be easy..." And here he grinned. "But I've got a plan."
"Don't just announce it in front of the Marines you moron!" Sanji snarled.
"Mwahahahaha! Good! Now, let's get this thing rolling!" Garp boomed.
"Uh... Does this seem like a strange kind of trap to you?" Helmeppo asked Coby. The pink haired chief petty officer gave Helmeppo a wry look.
"Considering our commanding officer?"
Helmeppo nodded. "Good point..."
Sanji took charge of the Marine kitchen and soon the "prisoner" had a fine wedding feast churned out. Genzo served as father of the bride, and Garp shanghaied Luffy to fix him up in something "respectable" with Coby, Helmeppo, and Zoro drafted as groomsmen. Nojiko and Robin quite happily took up maid of honor and bridesmaid positions, and despite Sanji's best protests he was not allowed to join the wedding party nor serve as best man.
Chopper and Franky both volunteered for the job, but Chopper was regulated to ringbearer, while Franky was given the task of bouncer.
After he "bounced" Marines out of the wedding and Water 7 entirely, he was demoted to "flower girl", which was in his words "NOT SUPER!" Nevertheless he carried out his duties. Weapon Left and Right were modified to fire flowers, which he tested on a group of Marines.
Franky was hence demoted from flower girl to flower pot, with bouquets stuffed into his disabled arm cannons.
Luffy tugged irritably at his jacket as his grandfather fussed over his tie.
"Grandpa, seriously! I can tie all sorts of knots!" He wrapped his arms together and tied them into a knot with a grin. "See?"
"IDIOT!" Garp growled, punching Luffy in the head.
"OW!"
"Don't wrinkle that suit! It was your father's," Garp grumbled.
"Right, sorry," Luffy said. "Hey, why isn't he here anyway?"
"When I tried to invite him, he smirked like the annoying shit he is and ran off while a thunderstorm went off," Garp said. Luffy looked a bit downcast.
"Oh."
"Relax," Garp said, "he'll probably show up binging at the snack table."
"Oh cool! Hey, what about Ace and Shanks and Dandan and everyone else?"
"Do you want the whole force of the Marines coming down on us?" Garp growled. He coughed. "I mean, I extended invitations but they'll probably just crash it."
Which would allow Luffy and his bride to escape... Not that Garp was going to mention that part, of course.
"Cool!" Luffy grinned.
"Now Luffy, tell me honestly," Garp said with a glare. "How... Far... Have you gone with Nami?"
Luffy blinked. "How far? Well, to Water 7 at least-"
"NO! I mean..." And here Garp faltered a moment before steeling his resolve. "How... Close are you?"
"Well, we're husband and wife so I guess we're close, but she said that seeing her before the wedding was bad luck so I don't really know how far away, I could measure-"
"HAVE YOU HAD SEX YET?" Garp finally just bellowed, exasperated.
The groomsmen, resting outside the room, all went pale.
"I did not just hear that," Zoro muttered.
"That makes two of us," Coby moaned.
"I am going to stab myself, no one stop me," Helmeppo said, holding up a knife.
"Um... No, we haven't," Luffy said, scratching his head. He grinned. "We've gotten close though! She keeps saying she's 'repaying' me when we do touchy feely stuff. Not sure why, she doesn't need to repay me."
Garp's jaw fell to the floor as tears poured from his eyes.
Nooo! How could i have misjudged her? I didn't know she was THAT kind of woman!
Garp shook his head. No, you saw her fire. So what if she's used to taking money for... That. There's a good way to fix that...
"Luffy," Garp said sternly, "on your wedding night, you must absolutely do these things..."
"You said you were repaying him?" Nojiko gasped. Robin giggled nearby, as Nami finished admiring herself in the mirror.
"Well... Um... Yeah, a little," Nami admitted. She looked down at the floor. "I mean, it's not as if he doesn't deserve it-"
"Would you listen to yourself Nami?" Nojiko huffed. "Your own husband you keep at arms length!"
"I-I just... It makes it easier that way," Nami said weakly. "We haven't actually... Done it, you know..."
"Still Nami, given the importance of weddings as rituals of change and affirmation," Robin said, smiling, "you might want to... Change that."
"Yeah... But um..." Nami worked her hands together nervously. "I'm... I'm just not sure..."
"Relax," Nojiko said, resting a hand on her sister's shoulder, "we'll tell you what to do..."
As Luffy and his party made their way down the aisle to nearby the podium, the Strawhat captain sighed.
"What's wrong, Luffy?" Garp asked.
"I just wish Usopp could be here," Luffy said. "You did try to track him down, right?"
"Given his lack of a bounty, it was difficult," Garp said.
"Unless he comes begging for forgiveness, we're better off without him," Zoro grunted.
"Sorry Luffy," Coby said, patting his shoulder. He grinned. "Still, if you need a best man-"
"Nope," Luffy said.
"But I'm-I've known you-!"
"Nope."
"But I just-!"
"Nope."
"Damn," Coby grumbled.
A familiar theme song began to play over the speakers, and everyone looked around.
"Eh? What's that?" Luffy asked.
Zoro groaned and held a hand to his forehead. "Oh no... Not him..."
Smoke exploded in front of them, and as it cleared it revealed the form of...
"SOGEKING! COOL!" Luffy shouted.
"Yes! I, Sogeking, have arrived!" Sogeking cried, posing dramatically. "I'm very sorry, but Usopp the Mighty could not be here today! Instead, he sent me, the King of Snipers, to fill in!"
"Wanna be best man?" Luffy asked.
"Certainly, Captain Luffy!"
"AWESOME!" Luffy cheered. "This is the best wedding ever!"
"I got passed over... For that?" Coby asked, dumbfounded. Zoro patted him on the shoulder.
"What can I say, life sucks kid..."
"He didn't even think of asking me!" Helmeppo cried. "Vice-Admiral sir, can't you do something? I..." He sighed as he saw Garp was sleeping again, a snot bubble poking out of his nostril.
"Damnit..."
Meanwhile at the buffet table.
"I knew you'd show up." Garp said gruffly.
"No, you didn't." The man in the hood smugly replied as a piece of ham disappeared into his cowl.
"Sure I did. It's not like you were going to miss your own son's wedding."
"You might be overestimating my sentimentality." The hooded man replied.
Now it was Garp's turn to sound smug, "Nope."
The hooded man looked up just enough to meet Garp's gaze. "He looks good in my old suit."
"Sure does. His bride's a cutie too."
"Why the rush, though? Did he knock her up?" A grin was now visible under his hood, "Am I a grandpa yet?"
Garp gave a disgusted huff, "Naw. They ain't gotten that far. Tonight though, probably."
Dragon nodded. "Here's hoping he does end up doing a better job than I did with him if he does knock her up."
"You planning on sticking around til the actual wedding?"
"Maybe. Not anywhere where you can catch me, though, old man."
Garp made an indignant grunt, but the hooded figure was gone.
So was the entire massive ham that had been on the table.
Garp gave a disgruntled sigh and suddenly felt a sharp blow to the back of the head.
Sanji roared at him, "I don't care who you are! You do not eat the food before the rest of the guests are ready!"
For those of you wanting to see Sanji be badass, there you are. He one-shotted Garp himself over food. Just so you don't think I'm picking on him.