One Piece: Strawhat Theater
"Our Mrs. Monkey"
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.
Set right after Enies Lobby...
Water 7
"I don't see why I have to flashing disguise myself for this!" Buggy growled as he and the rest of his pirates took their seats. The wedding was being held outdoors, and the invitations had ranged far and wide. Fortunately, the bird that was to deliver Ace's invitation had made a brief stop at Buggy's ship, and hence they'd gotten wind of where the Strawhats were.
"Obvious, isn't it?" Alvida said, dressed to kill in a sleek, red dress that caught the eyes of many men. "With all these Marines around, getting Strawhat isn't going to be easy. To say nothing of the other guests."
"Yes, Vice Admiral Garp," Buggy agreed, shivering a bit. He still couldn't believe the brat was related to not one but two legendary figures! What were the odds?
Then again he was a crewmember on the Ore Jackson and he didn't get nearly as much press as that flashy Shanks did...!
"Just relax. The proper opportunity will present itself. Luffy and his crew bring chaos anywhere they go, and that chaos will be their undoing," Alvida said, laughing sexily. "Mm, that poor girl's going to be a widow before her wedding night!"
"Hahahaha! What a flashing shame! Bet we're saving her a bad night though-He probably doesn't even know how it works!" Buggy chortled.
"Mm... He's quite creative though," Alvida said, brushing her nails over her cheek. "And made of rubber... If that girl's got even the tiniest brain, she'll think of ways to make him... Entertaining."
"Bah! He wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she fell into his lap! Not like me!" Buggy said, grinning as he pointed his thumb at himself. Alvida raised an elegant eyebrow.
"Lime green suits big where you come from?"
"Of-Of course!" Buggy said defensively, tugging at his sleeves. "I got all the babes I wanted with this flashy ensemble!"
"Are you sure they weren't blind?" Alvida asked, laughing softly.
"OH FLASH YOU!" Buggy bellowed. A man in a cloak bumped into him. "Oh, sorry."
"Quite all right," the stranger said with a smile. "Just making my way to see the groom."
"Oh? What's your relation to him?" Buggy asked.
"Why," and the grin was visible even in the shadow of the cowl, "he's my brother, of course."
"Oh, that's wonderful! Give him my regards," Buggy said. The cloaked man walked away.
"Three, two, one," Alvida counted down.
"Wait a minute-WHAT THE HELL AM I BEING SO NICE FOR?"
"And so I... Like that?" Nami asked, in disbelief.
"It's not that hard," Robin said, laughing gently. "You know how to lead men around, after all."
"Sanji is easy. Any hot woman could tell him to jump in a lake and off he'd go," Nami sniffed.
"Mm, he's trying too hard," Nojiko said with a laugh. "I think he's a little afraid. It'd take quite the woman to break him." She grinned at Nami's glare. "What? I wouldn't mind~."
"Is this really all you talk about behind closed doors?" Nami asked flatly.
"Oh like you didn't get into this with Vivi," Robin said, laughing softly. Nami blushed.
"That's different! We weren't a pair of... Of... Dirty old women!" She huffed and rubbed her face. "Even for our life this is ridiculous. This whole thing just started because of a slip of the tongue and here I am... I... What am I doing...?"
"Dos Fleur~," Robin called, crossing her arms. A pair of arms emerged from Nami's sides, and squeezed her breasts.
"AH? WHAT? I DIDN'T MEAN THE OLD WOMAN THING LITERALLY! EEP! QUIT IT ROBIN!"
Robin laughed, and proceeded to tickle Nami.
"AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHHA-ST-STOP IT! I'LL KILL YOU AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Robin at last relented, and released Nami. The redhead panted for breath, looking down. Robin's hands took hold of her chin and lifted her face. Robin smiled down at Nami.
"This is a special day for hopes and dreams, not insecurities," Robin told her. "Be the brave pirate you are, and face it head on."
Nami stared up at Robin, and smiled back.
"Thank you... I will," she said.
Nojiko joined Robin and hugged Nami. "You'll be fine," she said. Her smile turned a bit... Naughty.
"And of course, if you run out of ideas, that special underwear should help things go... Smoothly."
"Sure, if I want to get eaten alive," Nami retorted.
"Rubber tongue~..."
"ROBIN!"
"Ahem," Genzo grunted outside the tent. "If you'd think about an old man's heart...?"
"My apologies sir," Robin said. "Are we ready to begin?"
"Looks like!" Genzo said. He peeked in, and smiled. "My God... You look wonderful, Nami. Belle-Mere would be proud."
"Thank you Genzo," Nami said, impulsively hugging him. He hugged her back, and she let him go with a sigh. "All right... When the fireworks start, just remember-"
"Take cover, stay out of the way," Nojiko said with a nod. "Don't worry, we're not about to get killed by the wedding crashers."
"Think it's that likely?" Genzo asked.
"Do bears walk up mountains with pickaxes?" Nami asked dryly.
"Um... Captain Smoker?" Tashigi asked. "I have a question..."
Smoker sighed. "If it's about this wedding trap business, no, I don't buy it either. I think the Vice-Admiral's just set up an elaborate hoax to cover his ass when his grandson inevitably escapes."
Tashigi opened her mouth again, but Smoker interrupted her smoothly as he looked over the buffet table.
"As to why we're here... It's to keep an eye on Strawhat and company, and be ready to contain the damage that will inevitably erupt. Our first priority is people's lives. Let Garp handle the pirates. If he wants to take the heat for this thing, we'll let him."
"Um, that's not what I was going to ask, sir," Tashigi said.
"Then what?" Smoker asked.
"... Do I really have to wear something this revealing?" Tashigi demanded, indicating the very low cut blue dress she wore. A slit ran up to her thighs, the back was cut down nearly to her backside and the straps on her shoulders were barely there.
Smoker stared at her for a long moment, dressed in his usual: A jacket, jeans, gloves, boots, jutte, bandolier and nothing else.
"Yes."
Tashigi sighed. "Yes sir."
"Ace!" Luffy said happily as he spied the familiar face underneath the cloak. Ace held a finger up to his lips.
"Shhh... Luffy! I'm surprised at you!" Ace grinned. "You didn't even ask me to be the best man?"
"Well, Sogeking asked first, and he's like a superhero!" Luffy said enthusiastically. Sogeking posed, his cape waving in a breeze that kicked up out of nowhere.
"Indeed! No hard feelings, as we are both here to fight for LOVE'S SAKE!" Sogeking cried, posing dramatically. Ace stared for a moment, before he burst out laughing.
"Hahahahaha! You're right! Can't compete with that!" He wiped his face and chuckled. "Ah well... Mind if I sit in the back though?"
"Eh? Why?" Luffy asked, tilting his head.
"Closest seats to the banquet tables," Ace said with a grin.
Zoro sighed. "They're brothers all right."
"One's just better spoken," Coby moaned.
"Damnit man, put on a shirt or something!" Helmeppo squawked.
"Is it me, or are there a lot of people wearing cloaks in this wedding?" Chopper wondered aloud from where Franky was standing by the banquet tables.
"Your imagination," said one such individual, munching on some ham as he went by.
"Oh, okay," Chopper said, smiling as he held the pillow with the rings on it. "I was worried that there'd be-BWAH!" He jumped, and the rings went sailing off... Into the hand of the mysterious man.
"Here, hold onto these," he said in a gravelly voice as he handed the rings back to the small human-reindeer. "Don't want to spoil everything for your captain, do you?"
"N-No! Thanks!" Chopper said with a smile.
"Good, zehahaha," he said as he headed off with a grin. Chopper watched him go and hummed.
"I wonder who that was..."
"Damn you mosshead," Sanji growled from the front row, as the seats began to fill up. "I should be a groomsman!"
"You're the cook, as crappy as your food is," Zoro grumbled. "And it wasn't up to me!"
"STILL!" Sanji growled. "When you're a groomsman, you get to walk one of the beautiful bridesmaids down the aisle! I COULD HAVE WALKED THE BEAUTIFUL ROBIN OR NOJIKO DOWN THE AISLE!" He sobbed bitterly. "But no! Cruel fate chose you, ya asexual bastard!"
"Fate didn't choose me, Garp did!" Zoro growled. "And who are you calling asexual? LUFFY'S the one who's asexual!"
"HE'S THE ONE GETTING MARRIED MOSSHEAD!"
"SHITTY COOK!"
"Huh," Ace said dryly as he looked over at his little brother. "How long have they been married?"
"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE YOU BASTARD!" They bellowed at him.
"He raises a good point though," Garp said. "We need another bridesmaid." He looked into the crowd, mostly Marines there for "security", but also several "guests" of various reputation. He locked onto Smoker's pretty second in command-Tashigi, wasn't it?
"Hey! Officer Tashigi!" Garp barked. "Get up here! We're short a bridesmaid!"
"Ah? Me? B-B-But-!"
"Get up there Tashigi," growled Smoker. The swordswoman rose, blushing furiously, and walked up to join the groom's party at the back of aisle. Zoro stared at her, Coby blushed, Helmeppo was openly drooling and Luffy and Ace just smiled.
"Um, hello again," she said. Oh God this is awkward...
"Hi! You're that nice Marine lady! Nice of you to make it!" Luffy said cheerfully. He waved. "HEY SMOKEY GUY!"
"Don't call him that!" Tashigi growled, as Smoker facepalmed. She then glared at Zoro. "What are you looking at, Pirate Hunter Zoro?"
"Nothing!" Zoro said quickly, averting his eyes. Sanji sighed as he rose and took Tashigi's hand.
"Oh, what a vision of loveliness before me!" He crooned, bringing his lips to her hand. "My lady Marine, you are a vision of justice no man could resist!" He looked up at her with a roguish wink. "Please, allow me to be your pirate prey so that I might steal away your heart!"
"Ah?" Tashigi was turning bright red. Really, even if he was a pirate it was incredibly flattering...
"Back off shitty cook!" Zoro growled, a sword out and leveled at Sanji. Sanji growled and glared death at the Pirate Hunter.
"Who are you to become between me and my love?"
"Common sense for one! She's a Marine you idiot!"
"So? You saying she's not lovely?" Sanji gasped. "Or maybe..." And here the cook smirked. "Maybe you do have a heart in there somewhere."
"What?" Zoro growled, his cheeks burning red. "Shut up! It's not like that you bastard! You're going to get us killed!"
"Hey, don't I have a say in this?" Tashigi asked, affronted.
"NOBODY ASKED YOU!" Zoro growled. Tashigi growled back and drew her sword. Zoro growled and drew all three of his own. Sanji gasped.
"You bum! You'd fight a woman?" Sanji gasped.
"I've been wanting to cross blades with you since we met, Pirate Hunter!" Tashigi snarled. "I'm going to carve you up like a turkey!"
"And I'm gonna make that dress a little more revealing!" Zoro growled back.
"Wh-What?"
"I-I mean I'm going to kill you! A lot!" Zoro sputtered.
"GO FOR IT ZORO!" Sanji cheered. "YOU'RE MY HERO MOSSHEAD!"
"SHUT UP YOU PERVERT!"
Smoker abruptly appeared in front of them in a cloud of smoke, and glared at his subordinate and the pirates. "We got a problem here?"
"Ah... No, no sir," Tashigi said quickly, sheathing her blade but still shooting Zoro a dirty look. Zoro hesitated, and slowly sheathed his blades as well.
Smoker nodded, and walked over to where Luffy was waiting at the podium with Ace and Sogeking. "Good. Make up with your boyfriend Tashigi, this is a very tense situation."
"He's not my boyfriend!" Tashigi protested.
"Whatever."
The wedding party was properly organized, and as the music started courtesy of the Marine Standard Issue Organ player, they walked down the aisle. Zoro and Tashigi were paired up, and they shot dirty looks at each other the whole way down. Coby escorted Robin, the young chief petty officer blushing furiously as the dusky woman just smiled. And Sanji escorted Nojiko, as Helmeppo had mysteriously ended up kicked into an unconscious pile.
Chopper scurried up the aisle with the rings, and Franky (despite being told otherwise) pranced up the aisle while firing flowers from his arm cannons into the air. Everyone would later agree the display was almost as horrifying as when Admiral Kizaru forgot his pants for an entire day and literally flashed most of the Marine bases along the Grand Line.
Luffy waited, staring intently at the cake, as Sogeking stood stoically by his side, and Garp checked his watch.
At last, Nami emerged from the tent with Genzo on her arm... And Luffy's eyes, much to the shock of everyone, were fixed solely on his bride. She locked eyes with him, blushed, and smiled. He smiled back, looking suddenly nervous and goofy.
"Er... Is she supposed to have that glow?" Luffy asked.
"Oh yes she is," Sanji sighed, clasping his hands together.
"It is the shine of love that makes her so lovely, Captain Luffy!" Sogeking intoned dramatically. "Cherish it and her to the end of your days!"
"I officially like looking at Nami more than food and shiny things," Luffy sniffled with manly tears.
"AH! HE'S SICK!" Chopper cried. "SOMEONE CALL A DOCTOR!"
"You ARE a doctor!" The entire wedding party (and much of the audience) cried.
"Oh yeah!"
Genzo and Nami reached the podium, and Genzo handed the women he held a dear as his own daughter to Luffy. The rubber man smiled goofily at Nami, and she smiled back, just as nervous and excited as him.
They looked forward at the podium... Only to realize there was nobody there.
"Eh? Aren't you supposed to have a priest?" Luffy asked, scratching his head.
"Where's the priest?" Nami cried.
All eyes turned to Garp, who had woken up. He blinked, and scratched his head.
"... Knew I forgot something."
"YOU IDIOT!" Nami shrieked, as pretty much everyone fell over.
"Garp the Hero indeed," muttered Buggy.
"I can't believe this, such poor planning! That's what happens when you leave this sort of thing up to men," Alvida sniffed.
"HEY! IS ANYONE HERE A PRIEST?" Luffy shouted.
"Zeehahahahaha... No, but you will accept your final judgment anyway!" Laughed that great hulking cloaked figure Chopper had talked to earlier. He rose, and threw off his cloak revealing himself to be none other than-
"BLACKBEARD!" Gasped Tashigi. Marshall D. Teach, better known as Blackbead, laughed as the rest of his crew revealed themselves.
"Fate has smiled upon me this day," the infamous captain laughed. "For it has handed me not only Monkey D. Luffy, but his brother Ace!" He grinned. "Hey! You Marines! You want both their heads, don't you? Well I'm going to deliver them to you, along with Monkey's pretty little bride!"
"What? You bastard!" Luffy bellowed, shaking his fist.
"You're not laying a hand on Nami-swan!" Sanji shouted.
"You're not going to lay a hand on my little brother or his wife!" Ace growled, his cloak burning away as he activated his powers.
"INDEED! I WILL BE DOING THE LAYING OF HANDS!" Buggy shouted, throwing off his own disguise and rising with his own pirates. "Monkey D. Luffy is MINE!"
"Zeehahahahaha! Fool! You're just a big nosed paramecia, what could you possibly do to me?" Blackbeard laughed. Buggy's eyes flashed red.
"WHAT THE FLASH ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT MY NOSE YOU FAT BASTARD?"
"Oh just great," Nami sighed. "Who's next, Eneru?"
"That'd actually be kind of cool," Luffy said. "OW!"
"NO IT WOULDN'T!"
"Yes dear."
"Ohohoh, well trained already," Robin laughed.
Smoker rose, his jutte ready. "Nobody do anything stupid," Smoker growled. "You're surrounded on all sides by Marines, and right now I'm inclined to side with the bride and groom."
"Hey thanks Smoke Guy!"
"That's Smoker, Strawhat!"
"Thanks Smoke Guy!"
Smoker growled and glared at the bride and groom, before regaining his composure and returning his gaze to the hostile pirates. Blackbeard laughed again.
"Zeehahahahaha! Oh, this is going to be good," he said. "You want a fight, you got one! It'll just make things more enjoyable!"
"I'll try to make your death as painless as possible," Ace growled, "but I can't make any promises."
"MEN! And Alvida. KILL THE FAT BASTARD FIRST!" Buggy snarled. "We'll save Strawhat for later!"
"Three against one? This'll be fun, zeehahaahahahaha!" Blackbeard cackled.
"Hey! It's four against one, you jerk!" Luffy shouted. "GUM GUM-!"
Garp punched his grandson in the head as he rose, and cracked his knuckles. "Damage that suit and I'll kill you."
"But Grandpa-!"
"No buts!"
"Awww!"
Before a fight could break out, there was a commotion behind the stage the podium was sitting on. A moment later, a massive pirate ship bearing the symbol of the Red-Haired Pirates upon its sail crashed through the backdrop. The Marines screamed and many a weapon was raised as a familiar figure jumped off the prow and landed on the stage.
"SHANKS?" Screamed Buggy. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU BASTARD?"
"Hey Luffy!" Shanks said with a broad grin. "Sorry I'm late, we had to take some detours!"
"SHANKS!" Luffy grinned. "Hey! It's been forever! Oh, this is Nami! We're getting married!"
"I heard!" Shanks laughed. Nami's jaw dropped to the ground.
"Luffy? You know Redhaired Shanks?"
"Yeah! He inspired me to become a pirate!" Luffy laughed. Shanks grinned and took Nami's hand. He bent his head and kissed her hand.
"I'm glad to make your acquaintance," He said with a warm smile. Nami flushed brightly, and quickly turned away.
"I'm getting married, I'm getting married, I'm getting married..."
"Shanks?" Tashigi gasped. Shanks grinned at Tashigi and nodded politely.
"Hey! You're cute!" He nodded to the rest of the Strawhats in turn, shaking hands, laughing... All the while Garp and Smoker stared in disbelief, Blackbeard gulped and tried to sneak off with his crew, and Buggy charged up the aisle.
"SHANKS! YOU BASTARD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"Oh, hey Buggy! Long time no see! You're looking well," Shanks said with a smile.
"DON'T USE THAT 'LONG TIME NO SEE' CRAP ON ME! Why are you here?"
"Well, to attend Luffy's wedding of course," Shanks laughed. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to kill that rubber bastard!"
"Good for you!" Shanks said cheerfully.
"DON'T JUST BRUSH IT OFF!" Buggy ranted.
"Oh, and I brought some guests along too!" Shanks said cheerfully. Luffy grinned while Nami blinked.
"Guests?"
"Hi Nami!"
Nami's eyes widened as Princess Vivi of Alabasta jumped off the ship and landed on the stage in her high heels. Following her was Kureha from Sakura Island, who cackled as Chopper gasped.
"Doctorina!"
"Chopper! Good to see you!"
"Vivi!" Nami gasped. Luffy laughed and waved.
"Hi Vivi!"
"VIVI MY LOVE!" Sanji cried, as Nojiko rolled her eyes.
"I'm getting more than a little confused," Franky said. Robin laughed and patted the cyborg's arm.
"You get used to it..."
The princess ran up and hugged both bride and groom. There was a great deal of laughing (and some crying, but you'd have to excuse Sogeking for that) before an important problem reared it's head.
"Won't you get in huge trouble for being here?" Nami asked worriedly.
"Oh no," Vivi said cheerfully, "I'm a hostage!"
"What," Nami and Luffy both said.
"Yep. Shanks just up and kidnapped me," Vivi said. She sighed as she covered her cheeks. "Isn't he dashing?"
"Ew," Luffy muttered. Nami coughed.
"Ah, well... I guess that's okay. We're kind of hostages ourselves..."
"That's no way to talk about marriage, Nami!"
"I MEANT OF THE MARINES!"
"Oh, right..."
"So! Where's the priest?" Shanks asked cheerfully. Garp cleared his throat.
"He, uh, couldn't make it..."
Coby, petrified, managed to stutter in the affirmative to assist with the lie. Shanks smiled.
"You forgot him didn't you?"
"NO I DIDN'T!" Garp bellowed.
"He did," Dragon confirmed by the banquet table.
"NOBODY ASKED YOU!" Garp shouted at his son.
"Well, it just so happens I have an ordained priest with me who could sort this out," Shanks said with a smile.
"A pirate?" Garp snarled. "NO PIRATE WILL BE MARRYING MY GRANDSON!"
"Ah, but he is one of the Seven Warlords," Shanks said with a smile. He turned and looked up at his ship. "MIHAWK! COME DOWN!"
Zoro and Tashigi started. "He can't possibly mean..."
Dracule Mihawk, the most feared swordsman in the world, appeared with a Bible in hand. He sighed as he looked at Shanks with a weary expression.
"How do I let you talk me into these things?" He asked his old friend.
"Just think of the after party!" Shanks said with a bright grin. Mihawk nodded.
"Fair enough. Let's get this show on the road."
"Nothing makes sense anymore..." Tashigi moaned, covering her head. Zoro groaned next to her.
"Welcome to my life..."
"Why didn't I just call a priest," Garp sighed.
"Now," Shanks called, looking around at all the Marines and pirates, "if everyone could just hold off on the fighting long enough for these two to get married, I'd greatly appreciate it."
Blackbeard, unable to escape with his crew, reluctantly nodded and sat down. Smoker and Ace slowly followed suit, and Alvida dragged the protesting Buggy back to his seat. Nami looked over at Luffy, who grinned back at her.
"Isn't this awesome, Nami?"
"Yes... I suppose it is at that," Nami sighed. "But now our escape is practically impossible..."
"Nah! Don't worry about a thing," Luffy said. He took her hands and looked her in the eyes. "We'll get out, all of us! I promise."
"You do?"
Luffy seemed older and more handsome than his years as he nodded back. "I do."
"Oh Luffy... URK!" She started and looked to her side as Mihawk glared down at them.
"I haven't even started yet," he said, looking almost offended. "I'm the one conducting the ceremony, not you."
"Then what the hell are you waiting for? Go!" Nami shouted.
Mihawk opened his Bible and cleared his throat. "... Do you?"
"Uh?" Nami asked.
"Do you? Want to get married?" Mihawk asked, sounding almost annoyed.
"... Yes!" Nami said, exasperated.
"Do you?" He asked Luffy.
"Yeah!"
"Good. You're married. Kiss," Mihawk said, shutting his Bible. The entire congregation (Blackbeard and his pirates included) fell over. Nami was the first back up.
"WHAT THE HELL? THAT'S IT?" Nami shrieked.
"Yeah! Cake time!" Luffy cheered. "OW!" He looked at Nami with a smile as he rubbed the bump on his head from her latest blow. "But Nami, it is!"
"All the better!" Blackbeard said with a smirk. "Zeehahahahaha, I'll have that brat now! DARKNESS-!"
"WAIT!" Shanks shouted, holding his hand up. "They haven't kissed yet!"
"So?"
"So they're not married," Shanks said patiently. "When they're married, the fireworks can begin. But until then," and here Shanks stared intently at Blackbeard, "stay. Put."
"Hrmph," Blackbeard grunted. "Very well." He glared at the couple. "Get this over with!"
"Remember to give her plenty of tongue, Luffy!" Ace suggested.
"DON'T BE SO SHAMELESS!" Buggy yelled. "Make it a quick one, Strawhat, I'm killing you!"
"Oh, why, why, why must he be the one to claim Nami-swan's lips?" Sanji lamented.
"Take as long as you need," Shanks said.
"I'm hitting the booze now, doesn't matter to me if you smooch," Kureha said, walking up the aisle.
"Damn you all!" Garp snarled. "I JUST WANTED A NICE SIMPLE WEDDING!"
"THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU INVITE PIRATES?" Tashigi screamed.
Nami trembled, clenched her fists, took a deep breath...
"EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!" She screamed. Absolute silence fell, and Nami was conscious of every eye there on her. She trembled... And then she felt Luffy take her hand in his. His other hand touched her cheek and turned her to face him. He smiled and pressed his lips to hers.
Shocked, she kissed him back hesitantly for a moment... Before Luffy pulled back with a bright smile.
"Okay! Go for it!" Luffy shouted.
And the wedding promptly dissolved into absolute chaos.
Yep. That didn't take long at all, did it? Ah well, hope you're enjoying it.