AN: Ok, ok, here is the introduction of Kisame with a little bit of fighting. And Kisame, oh Kisame. I'm going to love writing him. Yes, he is going to be out of character (what character isn't?) as I like to imagine him in my own way. Which way is that? You'll get the idea once reading, haha.
Cat Beats: Oh, I know, I know! But as I started writing this chapter, I didn't like it being a part of the last and thus made them into two. Plus, it would've made the next chapter, really, really short so I had to reorganize it. Apologies! But yes, it wouldn't be Kisame without fighting, haha. And they're getting there. It'll get better for them with more members which are going to be coming sooner than later!
magmo22: Ok like seriously? It doesn't and yet, Kisame himself makes a reference that being blue is unnatural. But why is he blue, Kishimoto!? Anyway, I decided to make an explanation myself and also, I was hella inspired by the Fishmen from One Piece. Which, Kisame looks exactly like. And yes, the tales of ningyo are going to be referenced (such as in this chapter). *insert thank you Office gif* Seriously, nothing with Kisame makes sense with the Akatsuki or Obito so I am going to ignore his canon and substitute my own! As for Kakuzu, he and Kisame are going to be best friends *insert sarcasm*.
p.s. no beta, too lazy to edit. Please excuse any jank.
Warning(s): Genderbend (Mid), Language (Mid), Violence (Mid), Out of Character
…
Wasteland
The Akatsuki Arc
Chapter 56
Hoshigaki Kisame had finished his daily rounds of the island and confirmed himself to be the only soul alive besides a few kirin left for later meals and an extraordinary large bird scavenging on the dead equine and squawking at him.
So, colour him surprised when in his path out walked a girl, petite and clad in a humourously oversized, black cloak burnished with red clouds that puddled itself on her shoulders. She looked startled to see him, as if not expecting anyone else such as he was and despite her impressive poker face, fear waft heavily off her like a cheap perfume and tickled his nose. Odd thing was that was all he could smell off her. Kisame immediately grasped Samehada's bandaged hilt, and the lost, little girl put her hands up in surrender. Whilst her anxiety was ostensible, it didn't put him at ease. Afterall, he was supposed to be the only one here, last he checked and double checked—and triple checked.
"I've just come to talk," She suddenly said, hands where he could see them as she stared up at the colossal ningyo who shadowed her. Kisame blinked at her with his black, inner eyelids swiping over his beady, white eyes.
"Ohhh, talk, ey? Funny place to talk, don'tcha think? Though, I must say, you're kinda funny too. Neither me or Samehada can smell your chakra," As he said this, tapped a finger on his nose and he rapped his fingers against Samehada's helve. Typically, the sword would be wagging and waving, excited for a chakra treat but, had yet to budge in response to this potential treat. "But what I can smell is your little friends. Especially the one bathed in too much perfume."
"I told ya you was wearin' too much of that shite!" Sasori's obnoxiously and not so quietly whispered from nearby shrubbery, which was immediately tagged by a harsh shushing noise, likely from Orochimaru. If the cat wasn't out of the bag, it was now.
"So, why don'tcha all come out and we can all talk—like adults, hmm?" Kisame offered, generously given the circumstances. Zetsu was mum, nervously glancing between him and the chatty backdrop.
After a second, from the bushes first emerged Kakuzu then begrudgingly, Sasori and Orochimaru. As Kakuzu joined Zetsu, in her horror, she realized that Hoshigaki Kisame outsized even the behemoth Kakuzu himself which only fueled her silent intimidation of him.
Once all the Akatsuki was present, the swordsman observed the colourful cast of characters and instead of drawing his weapon once seeing he was outnumbered and surrounded, he chuckled. Laughed, even. "Ohhh my, what a school of fish we've got here. Hmm, let's see, we've got—oh, the billion-ryō man himself, Kakuzu!" He pointed at Kakuzu.
Hearing this new information, Zetsu looked up curiously to Kakuzu. "Billion?"
Kakuzu casually shrugged, as if having the highest bounty in the world being doubled was nothing. "My bounty went up in the last few years,"
"And you," Kisame nodded his head to Sasori next. "Akasuna-no-Sasori, I take it, hmm?"
"That I am," Sasori said, and you could practically hear the inflation of his head like a balloon at the correct identification.
"Thought so, the ugly mug gave it away," The subsequent shift from smug smile to scowl from inside Hiruko could've shattered the sound barrier and Kisame then turned his attention from the puppet to Orochimaru. "And last but not least, the Sannin—Orochimaru!"
Orochimaru blushed, though, it could not be seen through the heavy, white makeup layered on her face, and placed her hand over her purple lips to disguise her smile. "Oh my, that I am."
Kisame smirked. "And a naga too—y'know, I heard your breed are rumoured to be the harbingers of disaster. But, I've never heard of a female naga. Should I take your presence as an omen, hmm?"
Orochimaru's lips downturned and her golden gaze narrowed at the other inhuman. "My, my, those are minging stereotypes, Mr. Ningyo. Isn't your ilk an omen of war or calamity? You're not one to talk,"
To this, Kisame chuckled. "True, true. My bad, Ms. Orochimaru," Finally, he looked at Zetsu who whilst she didn't flinch, felt a shiver course up her spine and an unconscious part of her wanted to huddle herself behind Kakuzu as she did as a child. "And you…I don't know you. Can't smell your chakra either. And you are?"
"I am no one," Zetsu blurted out which Kisame laughed again, making her question if he was laughing at what she said or at her.
"Well, Ms. No One, ya said ya wanted to talk, so let's talk," Yes, he was definitely making fun of her.
Pursing her lips, Zetsu looked to the other members but none of them made a motion to speak, obviously leaving it to her. Even Kakuzu glanced at her and nudged his head to indicate her to say something. So, taking a deep breath, she began. "We are the Akatsuki, a—"
"Ohh, the Akatsuki! Yeah, I've heard of ya. Mercenaries, aren'tcha?" Kisame interrupted her, idly scratching his nose all whilst his other hand had yet to leave his sword. "Hafta say, you big fish don't leave much to scavenge for us little fish, do ya? I've lost a lotta contracts because of you. So, I'm guessin' Kiri hired you to kill me dead then, hmm?"
"Yes," Zetsu said once he was finished. "We but we want to offer you a deal,"
"A deal, hmm?"
"Yes, to become a member of the Akatsuki. Our leader has taken a great interest in you,"
"Ohhh, in little ol' me? I'm honored," Kisame said, placing a hand over his heart. "And if I refuse, hmm?"
"Then we drag yer corpse an' that lil' bilbo of yers back to Kiri fer 250 million bucks," Sasori put bluntly. Whilst it wasn't how she would've put it, Zetsu didn't correct him.
Despite this, Kisame laughed which he did a lot of, either because he found all of this genuinely funny or it was his way of getting through the discomfort of the situation. Whatever it was. "Ohhh, don't have much of a choice, now do I? Now normally, I'd politely tell you all to go to hell then give you a one-way ticket but I'm…intrigued. Though, just agreein' to join would be such a bore. So, I have a counteroffer—"
"You ain't in no position to be makin' offers," Sasori grumbled to which Orochimaru elbowed him then hushed him so their guest of honor may finish speaking.
Hoshigaki Kisame parted his lips to display his canines in a ghastly smile. "Fight me,"
Orochimaru piqued a penciled-on eyebrow. "All of us?"
Finally did he let go of the handle of the Samehada as instead, he shrugged and folded his arms over his Kirigakure vest. "Hmm, if you'd like but I was thinkin' one-on-one, man-to man! Err, woman, if you so prefer. Ohhh, and I'll make it easy on you and won't use Samehada or my jutsu. Just fisticuffs. I want this fight to last. If you win, I'll join your little club but if I win, then well, you all better pray you can defeat me—all of you,"
"Tch, this bastard is playing' wit' us," Sasori mumbled incredulously.
'He isn't wrong. His chakra is burning with confidence. He seriously thinks—no, he knows he could defeat us all otherwise. Especially while we're in his element,' Zetsu thought, swallowing hard and praying no one heard the dry clicking of her throat.
"I accept," Kakuzu suddenly said, much to a combination of relief and horror of the other Akatsuki members, the latter on Zetsu's part.
"S-Sir!" Zetsu gasped and stared up at him. "You can't—"
"And whoelse do you expect to, Girl? The hunchback or old lady?" He interrogated her with said "hunchback" and "old lady" glaring at him in offense with Orochimaru mumbling 'pardon me?'. "And while your taijutsu is impressive, I'm not going to put you in that position. So, I'll do it,"
Kisame smirked. "Ohhh, I'm so glad you said that, Mr. Kakuzu. I was so lookin' forward to facin' off with the billion-ryō man,"
"Shut the fuck up," Kakuzu grumbled as he shrugged off his Akatsuki cloak and threw it over his shoulder to Zetsu who caught it with a grunt as it draped over her.
As Kakuzu stepped up, Kisame matched him while everyone else backed up so they weren't caught in the middle. Zetsu, meanwhile, stared on while hugging her guardian's cloak to her chest, anxiously. Kakuzu took his fighting stance but Kisame didn't imitate him, just yet.
"Hmm, I hope you don't mind if I keep Samehada on my back during this. She gets real' upset whenever I put her down. I promise I won't draw her and if I do, then I'll gladly forfeit," Kisame drawled, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder at said sword, bizarrely addressed by feminine pronouns. Though, who was Kakuzu to judge?
"I don't give a fuck," Kakuzu huffed, still posed and impatiently waiting to get this started and thus over with.
Finally, Kisame took position also in a fighting stance not too dissimilar to Kakuzu and after a second which lasted an eternity for all, it was Kisame to attack first, charging Kakuzu and trying to hook him with a right punch. Kakuzu easily tilted his head to the side, letting the ningyo's fist brush harmless over his mask. He returned a right hook of his own which also left Kisame with nothing but a tickle of his cheek, leaving the two men standing face-to-face with their arms outstretched over the other's shoulder. After an intense stare down, they both leapt back and fell into position again for the next strike.
Kakuzu was the one to charge in this time with Kisame matching him, causing them to shoulder chuck each other and left them trying to push the other back. When that failed, they stepped back again and instead, went for a grab, ending in them grappling each other's shoulders. Not fond of the idea of being in a deadlock again, Kakuzu pulled off the dirty move of pulling Kisame towards him and proceeding to smash his skull into his with a gruesome crack that made everyone that heard it grimace. Whilst dazed, instead of stumbling back, Kisame instantly headbutted him back, sending both males stumbling back and after taking a moment to shake it off, were in offensive stance again.
Neither was like that for long as they lunged again, this time nailing each other in the cheek with a straight punch that sent them stumbling back, spitting up blood and cracking jaws back into place. The next punch they landed succeeded in breaking each other's noses with a gush of blood and wet popping. Backpedaling, Kisame snorted crudely as he spat out the dark blood running down the back of his throat before it ran into his gills whilst Kakuzu tugged down his facemask underneath his chin, so the blood didn't dry into the fabric.
Whilst distracted, Kisame tried hitting Kakuzu with a back-handed punch which the latter reflected then immediately answered with his own that the ningyo also reflected as well as the second which swiftly followed it. Deadlocked again, the two men circled each other. After doing so for a few rotations, they paused and Kisame threw a kick at Kakuzu which the elder countered with his knee then retaliated with a high kick towards Kisame's head. He blocked it with his arm and then used his other to shield himself from the punch Kakuzu thrusted at his face. From there, it become a blur of punches and kicks between the two though none landing.
"Oh my, they're very much equally matched, aren't they?" Orochimaru whispered, having drawn her tobacco pipe which she was huffing and puffing and from her nostrils, wheezing grey smoke much like a mythical dragon as she, as with the other Akatsuki, observed the scrabble.
Zetsu said nothing as she quietly watched on anxiously. While she was confident in Kakuzu's abilities, she knew nothing of Kisame besides hearsay and for all they knew, he could be putting on a show. Her thoughts are interrupted by a thundering, metallic thud.
When she looked up, she saw Kisame had connected a hit during the flurry and whether on purpose or not, Kakuzu had triggered his Doton to parry it. Despite there being a "no jutsu" rule, upon seeing this, Kisame smirked. Kakuzu, on the other hand, looked irked. He pushed the blue-skinned man back, but Kisame was on him in the next second, slamming his fist towards his face which Kakuzu caught. Instead of last time, however, Kisame didn't gift him a moment to breathe as he immediately matched it by a second punch, then a third until he was discharging punch after punch upon the older man with such ferocity and speed it was nothing but a blur to the naked eye. It left no openings for a counterattack as Kakuzu was pushed onto the defensive with his Doton taking the blunt of it, sound of which mimicked the incessive ringing of a brass bell. The strength of the onslaught even pushing him backwards as his sandals dredged through the dirt. Kisame didn't let up either, even as he bloodied his own knuckles until they were white from the bone peaking through scraped flesh.
After minutes of the blitz, finally did Kisame slow, if just the slightest bit and seeing his chance, Kakuzu delivered a swift uppercut to the swordsman's jaw, causing his canines to clamp together with a splash of blood as the serrated edges cut his tongue. Despite the debilitating hit, Kisame smirked and immediately replied by punching Kakuzu underneath his lifted arm. His bleeding fist struck the metal flesh with a dull thud like a hundred times before but this time after a second, the bronze cracked.
Zetsu gasped with the other Akatsuki members looking surprised. Even Kakuzu looked startled by this outcome. No one had ever gotten through his Doton, no one.
Due to this, Kakuzu kicked Kisame back then leapt backward himself, so he was granted breathing room. However, Kisame wasn't having them as he instantly closed it, letting loose hits on him again. Unfortunately, Kakuzu was disadvantaged as he had to use one arm to defend his fractured side which left him offsetting Kisame's punches with his other. Kisame, discerning this, then would purposely bash him with one hand, forcing him to counteract it then use his free fist to punch him in his weak spot. Slowly but surely with this tactic, he succeeded in hammering away at the man's "impenetrable" jutsu as the cracks in the metal exoskeleton webbed out across his abdomen—until finally, with one last hard punch, made the metal to shatter not unlike glass.
Stunned, Kakuzu stumbled back and Kisame capitalized on his stupefaction to land a punch to his chest with such titanic strength that there was a second delay before Kakuzu was launched airborne. His body impersonated a ballista as it bulldozed through trees and rock alike across the island until gravity weakened his trajectory and he somersaulted for a few meters further before wheeling bonelessly to a halt. On the ground, Kakuzu's lungs laboured for breath as the punch managed to stop all five of his hearts for a split second.
"Sir!" Zetsu yelled.
"Zetsu, darling, no!" Orochimaru tried holding her back, but the other woman succeeded in breaking away from her and ran towards Kakuzu.
By the time Zetsu caught up to him at least a mile out, maybe two, he was still heaving for oxygen and slumped over, making her fear he may be having a heart attack or numerous. Thankfully, that wasn't the case and after instructing his breathing and straightening him into an upright position, she checked on his hearts, none of which were injured, praise be. If Kisame hadn't pulled back that punch at the last second, he may've killed Kakuzu instantly and Zetsu knew he had done so because she saw the fluctuation in his chakra. He must've known that one punch was enough to down the tanned man. Truly, his strength was horrifying and his title of "Tailless Tailed Beast" was well earned.
"Ohhh, I haven't had a fight like that since I was guppy," Kisame exclaimed, flexing his fingers as he idly observed the sheared leftovers of his knuckles. After a moment, he then looked to Sasori and Orochimaru, both of which took offensive positions since Kakuzu had lost and thus, it was their turn to face-off with the Swordsmen of the Mist. "Now, where do I sign up to this Akatsuki, hmm?"
"Wut?" Sasori understandably asked though didn't lower the stringer of his tail. "Didn't you say you'd only join if ya lost? 'Cause, Kakuzu just got his arse kicked from 'ere back to Taki."
Kisame let out a belly laugh. "Yes, I did, but I was just lookin' for a fight and got it! Truth is, I was interested the moment I saw the likes of you all, the worst of the worst, all being chummy. Hmm, I think a monster such as myself may have a place with you. Besides, not like I got anywhere else to go!" Reaching back, he grasped Samehada's handgrip and due to this, neither Sasori nor Orochimaru eased their defenses with him despite the casual conversation. Instead of drawing the sword though, Kisame pulled his hand back a second later, exhibiting the injuries to his hands to be magically healed as he cracked his knuckles. "So, am I in?"
"Well—"
"Yes!" Sasori blurted out over his dubious partner, earning a glare from said woman for his rude interruption to speak for them both. "Anybody that puts Kakuzu in 'is place is a friend o' mine. Welcome to the Akatsuki!"
A little after the one-party inauguration, Zetsu made her appearance again, supporting a displeased and lumbering Kakuzu on her shoulder which was comical to witness. Upon seeing Kisame, Kakuzu pushed himself from Zetsu, sending her stumbling back into Orochimaru who caught her, so she didn't fall, and marched up to the ningyo that was currently engaged in chummy discussions with Sasori. However, before he could punch him in his dumb, blue face so they could continue their fight, Hiruko's tail drew up between them.
"Oi, oi, Kakuzu, that's no way to treat the newest member o' the Akatsuki," Sasori scolded him much like a teacher to a naughty student bullying the new kid.
"What?" Kakuzu glared at Kisame who neither confirmed or denied the claim, just shrugged and smiled.
"'e 'ad a change of 'eart,"
"That's bullsh—" Kakuzu started but was interrupted as he caught a dubious movement of Kisame's hand out of the corner of his eye.
Except, instead of it being a sucker punch like he expected, the swordsman held out his hand out for a civil shake. "That was a great fight, best I've had in a long while. Hmm, no hard feelin's?"
Kakuzu glared at him for his idiocy to think they could just brush this under the rug after he humiliated him in front of his colleagues and subordinate. If there was one thing Kakuzu didn't take kindly to, it was being made the butt of the joke. So, after a tense moment, he slapped the offensive hand away, making Kisame step back with his hands up to communicate he wanted no more issues. Even after the senior member purposely smashed his shoulder into his as he stamped past him into the woodlands.
"Sir!" Zetsu attempted after Kakuzu, but she was intercepted by Kisame, whom she backpedaled from so she didn't faceplant into his abdomen.
"Hello. You and I haven't been properly introduced. I'm Hoshigaki Kisame, and you are, Ms. No One?" Kisame grinned down at her and for once, Zetsu had a little insight on why people were so discomforted by her teeth.
"O-Oh, my name is…it's Zetsu," Zetsu sputtered as she tried looking past his gigantic frame at Kakuzu who was disappearing into the distance, either to leave without them or find a quiet place to mope at his embarrassing loss. Either or.
"Zetsu? Ohhh, a cute name for a cute little lady,"
Zetsu blushed. "C-Cute?" She'd never been called cute before. Well, not by anyone outside her immediate circle.
"Yes. I must say, if I had known this Akatsuki had such a school of beautiful women, I would've joined a long time ago," Taking her hand, he laid a kiss on it and her blushing face darkened further until it mimicked the likes of tomato. It left her feeling a little faint too.
"Oh my," Orochimaru sighed dreamily, overhearing obvious flirtation and not even the Sannin was exempt to the sharkman's oozing charisma. "Sasori, why can't you talk to me like that?"
"You wut?"
Meanwhile, Kakuzu, despite the distance between himself and the others, too overheard Kisame's brazen philandering with Zetsu and turning on his heel, bulldozed his way back between them before it could progress further. Glaring at the other male, he snagged the scruff of Zetsu's neck much like a mother cat with her kitten. While she didn't understand what she had done to deserve such treatment, Zetsu didn't fight it as Kakuzu dragged her off with him to leave this god forsaken island once and for all. Kisame just chuckled as he watched them off before turning to Orochimaru and Sasori to strike up a conversation of what came next involving his membership with the organization.
…
"So, Hoshigaki Kisame, you've agreed to be a member of the Akatsuki then?"
"Hmm, I wouldn't be here if I hadn't, Mister Big,"
It was the next day and all the Akatsuki, plus Hoshigaki Kisame, stood before Pein in his office. Kakuzu and Zetsu had made it back to Amegakure first; the entire way back of which Kakuzu didn't let Zetsu out of his sight, not even to use her Mayfly which left her feeling like a child again and question what she had done to displease him. Though, it may not be her so much as everything which transpired.
However, Kakuzu refused to speak to Pein, instead skulking off back to the manor to take a hot shower for the overall aching plaguing his body, leaving Zetsu to report that Kisame agreed to join the Akatsuki without including much detail to preserve her guardian's pride, what little was left. It wasn't until Orochimaru and Sasori arrived a few hours after with said newest member in tow that a meeting was called in which Zetsu had to drag a grumpy Kakuzu back to Pein's Tower, quite literally.
Pein blinked his Rinnegan at the statement which he wasn't sure was meant to be a joke or not. "True. Very well, from this day forth, you are a member of the Akatsuki. Welcome, Hoshigaki Kisame," Pulling out a drawer to his desk, he then plucked out a copy of a contract he had written awhile back for any and all new members of the organization. "Would you kindly read this and sign it?"
"Can do," Kisame said, accepting the parchment and glancing over it. Though, he paused and looked a little dubious on the clause which said any gross transgressions would consequence in him being handed over to Kiri for his bounty.
"And once you've done that, Konan will take your measurements for your Akatsuki cloak and uniform," Pein ushered at Konan who was sat at her desk on the other side of the office and the woman gave the ningyo a neighbourly nod of her head as she looked up from her paperwork.
"Ohhh, another pretty lady. I hit the jackpot, didn't I?" Kisame drawled, chuckling to himself. Konan looked at him curiosity with her blue lips quirked back into a bemused smirk while Pein just stared at the blue man puzzled. Was he hitting on his partner?
"Anyway," Pein said, eager to brush this under the rug instead of addressing it. "Orochimaru, Sasori, you are dismissed. Kakuzu, Zetsu, I've got a mission for you I'd like to discuss,"
While Pein went over said mission with the duo, Kisame signed the paperwork and Konan measured him for his Akatsuki garb, humourously having to stand on her chair in order to do so. During it, Kisame coqueted her but it was obvious his advances weren't landing with the origamitress as she either laughed them off or didn't reply at all, just nodding as she was more focused on not accidentally pricking him with her sewing pins. Instead, he took to complementing her seamstress skills which she was a lot more receptive to as she thanked him.
Once Konan was done with Kisame, Pein had finished on briefing Kakuzu and Zetsu their mission in the next few days. Dismissed, Zetsu gathered the details and got up while Kakuzu was slower as every inch of him was dreadfully sore and so the slightest movement caused momentous pain. He felt like he had been run over or, you know, punched! By the time he got up from his seat, Zetsu was in the elevator and patiently waiting for him to depart as he thumbs through the files to memorize the information. However, before he made it inside, Kisame swept in, stepping into the elevator and pressing the button to shut the doors behind him.
"Hey!" Kakuzu snarled, breaking out into a painful sprint and smashing his fists against the gates but it was too late as the elevator chugged down.
Hearing the ruckus, Zetsu looked up to find herself alone in the claustrophobic lift with the elephantine Kisame. He was smiling down at her, hunched over awkwardly as he was too large for the cage.
"I'm sorry to bother you, Ms. Zetsu, but I was told by…Konan, yes! Ms. Konan that you could show me around this Akatsuki Manor?"
Zetsu stared down at her sandals, hugging the mission statement to her chest. "O-Oh sure, I can do that…"
"Great! I'll repay you. Hmm, how about lunch?"
"I'm sorry, I can't…I can't eat normal food…" She clumsily said, unsure howelse to phrase it outside that fact she couldn't ingest everyday food due to her bloodline.
Kisame didn't pry further nor question it. "Oh, food allergies? Hmm, is there anything you can eat?"
"Umm…I like…milkshakes?"
"Ohhh, then we'll go get milkshakes after! My treat."
"S-Sure,"
"Bastard," Kakuzu snarled, punching the gate again as he overheard the beginning of the conversation between the two until the elevator descended down out of earshot.
Suffice to say, Kakuzu did not like Hoshigaki Kisame.
…
AN: There we go. Yes, a bit of a lackluster fight between Kakuzu and Kisame but I wanted to demonstrate how much Kisame outweighed Kakuzu in a fist fight. Seriously, Kisame was a beast in the manga/anime even while weak and dying. Do not worry, there is going to be a rematch between them soon, a real fight between them. Anyway, I'm glad we got to Kisame because he's an overall interesting character. And yes, fish puns, so many fish puns.
Chapter Fun Fact(s): In Wasteland, Kisame's speech patterns are based after Kizaru from One Piece. His height measures at 6'9" instead of 6'3" just to empathize how huge a character he is. Also, due to the fact I changed Kakuzu's height also, from 6'0" to 6'6" so he had to be larger than him. And for reference, Zetsu is the shortest member at 5'0".
Next Chapter: Jealousy.
Until Next Time.