Ford Vs Bronze (Part 2)
"No!" Ford yelled once more. "I haven't showered! In like a week! And, I don't have a lot of muscle. I'm mostly elbows!" He screamed hysterically as the beast stopped just inches in front of him.
"YOU…!" The terrifying creature began. Ford let out another small scream. "...Gonna finish that?"
"What?" Ford asked. He looked to see that the creature was pointing at Ford's bag of beef jerky. He was, in fact, planning to eat it, but after the scare, he lost his appetite. "Not anymore, I guess," he tossed the bag to the creature, and the beast began eating. Now that the fear was out of the way, Ford took a closer look to examine the strange, talking creature. "Interesting," he mused out loud. "Half bull, half human. What are you exactly? A Minotaur?"
"I'm a Manotaur!" He exclaimed. "Half man! Half… uh… half taur!"
Ford took out a spare paper and pen to write this down. He wondered if there was a page on this in the journal, but unfortunately, he left it at home. "Do you have a name?" he asked. "Did I summon you?"
"My people call me Chutzpar, and I was summoned by the smell of jerky!" The manotaur responded. "JERKY!" He punched a tree and smashed a rock against his head, laughing and roaring loudly. He stopped and sniffed the air. "I smell… emotional issues!"
"That would be me," Ford confessed. "I have man-related problems, Chutzpar." The manotaur sat down on a log next to them and patted his leg. Ford took advantage of his non-verbal offer and rested his head on his leg. "Well, my friends were basically calling me a wimp…"
"Uh-huh, uh-huh," Chutzpar nodded.
"And I kind of failed a manliness tester game…"
"Mm."
"Do you think you can help me?" Ford asked. "You seem like a kind of guy that can give me pointers."
Chutzpar nodded, "Very well," he stood up and leaned over. "Climb atop my back hair, child!"
"Uh… okay," Ford did as he was told, but the moment he did, he regretted it. The beast smelled terrible, more terrible then Stan's feet, and that was pretty bad.
The manotaur laughed loudly and ran as fast as he could, and nothing slowed him down. Not even when he crashed into trees and jumped over a gorge. Ford screamed the whole way there, until Chutzpar crashed through the side of a mountain and came to a skidded stop.
Only when Ford was sure he stopped did he open his eyes. "Whoa…" he gasped. Chutzpar had brought him to a cave full of manotaurs. "This place is amazing!"
"The gnomes live in trees, and the merpeople live in the water," Chutzpar explained, "because they're losers! But we manotaurs, crash in the MAN CAVE!" He picked up a gong nearby and rang it, gaining the attention of all the other manotaurs in the cave. "BEASTS! I have brought you, a hairless child!"
He pushed Ford forward, "...Greetings," he waved. He wasn't too sure if that was the best way to introduce himself, so he stood still and stayed quiet.
Chutzpar gestured to the other manotaurs, "You already know me as Chutzpar. This is, uh, Pubetor, Testosteror, and Pituitor," the other manotaurs grunted as they were each introduced. "And you are?"
"My name's Ford," he answered. The manotaurs booed at him, as if they were expecting more. "Ford the, uh… Fearless?" he added.
The beasts seemed to tolerate that name, and Ford let out a silent sigh of relief.
Chutzpar banged the gong again, "Ford the Fearless wants us to teach him the secrets to our manliness."
"I really need your help!" Ford pleaded sincerely. He pulled his shirt down to reveal his hairless chest. "Look at this, guys! Look at this!"
The manotaurs considered his request, "I must confer with the High Council," one of them said, then huddled with several other manotaurs.
Who then began to debate by…punching each other in the face?
Ford winced. "Stan would really like you guys." He realized out loud. In fact they were all like bigger, and hairier versions of his brother. He smiled. "I like these guys." Ford decided as they continued to wrestle.
If anyone could teach him to be a man it was these guys, he was sure of it.
(Back at the Mystery Shack…)
While Ford was busy learning how to be a man, Stan, Heather, and Fids started their own mission: Getting Grauntie Mabel a friend/knitting buddy.
"Okay guys you know the plan." Heather said as they approached Grauntie Mabel who was gardening in the back yard.
"Yep!" Stan said as he ran up to Mabel wearing his striped shirt and overalls. He took a camera out of his pocket and snapped a picture of her. Mabel blinked blindly at Stan, surprised, then chuckled, "What'cha doing now, Stan?"
"It's like you always say." He said. "Never miss a scrapbook-tunity!" he exclaimed. When the picture came out, he slid it in a blank slot of Mabel's scrapbook which was always near her person. "Now Ria agreed to help us. She's going to pretend to be an old lady, and you'll introduce yourself to her and be friends!" Stan smiled.
"Stop saying old lady." Heather warned. "It's rude, besides I already have a great person in mind."
"And that would be?" Stan asked.
"Grenda." Heather said.
"From Greasy's Diner?" Mabel asked.
Heather nodded.
Mabel seemed to agree to this because she shrugged. "Okay."
Just then Ria came outside wearing older-styled clothing and a wig, "Whenever you're ready, Ms. Pines."
Fids shook his head, doubting the success of their little mission already. He could only hope Ford was having better luck.
Mabel however didn't question their skills, "Alright," she got up and approached Ria. "Hello, stranger I have never seen before. My name is Mabel. Um, can I pet your cats?"
"Cut!" Stan yelled.
"Did I do something wrong?" Mabel asked.
"Grauntie Mabel, you don't know her yet! You can't pet her cats!" Stan yelled.
"Ask her for her name first." Heather said, giving her some pointers. "And just be your cheerful self."
Mabel sighed, "Okay," she turned back to Ria. "Hi I'm Mabel I've seen you around, but never bothered to catch your name. What is it?"
"Not bad." Heather said.
"Yeah that actually was pretty good." Stan agreed. "Now you have to invite her to go somewhere. So you can hang out and get to know each other more."
"Like where?" Mabel asked.
"OH How about Greasy's Diner" Fids offered.
"Grenda works there you goof!" Stan shouted.
"Yeah it needs to be somewhere they'll feel relaxed." Heather said. "No one wants to relax at work.
"Oh right." Fids said. "Sorry."
"It's okay sport." Mabel said. "How about I invite her to book club this week."
"Perfect!" Stan said. "Now let's practice again from the top." He ordered. "We're not stopping until it's perfect!"
(Back at the Man Cave…)
Tension flooded inside of Ford as the High Council finally stopped fighting, and approached him, "After a lot of punching, we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets."
"Denied!" Another manotaur repeated and punched himself in the face.
Ford narrowed his eyes. Denied? He couldn't go home empty handed, Stan would never let him live it down. Suddenly he remembered what Stan said. He was the bronze and Ford was the brains. And these manotaur were just like Stan. They had bronze, but he had the brain, "Denied? Okay, that's fine," he shrugged. "Obviously, you must think it would be too difficult to train me," he faked a gasp. "Maybe, you're not man enough to try."
"Not MAN enough?!" One of them yelled.
Chutzpar looked over to Ford, "Fearless…" he said in a warning tone.
The angry manotaur stomped forward to Ford, "NOT MAN ENOUGH?!" he repeated.
"He didn't mean it," Chutzpar tried to defend him, but the angry manotaur ignored him.
"I have three Y chromosomes, six adam's apples, pecs on my abs, and FISTS FOR NIPPLES!" He yelled.
"Oh, yeah?" Ford retorted. He held up his hands, revealing his abnormal condition. "Well, I have six fingers on each hand!" Ford yelled before folded his arms. "Seems to me you're too scared to teach me how to be a man."
"That's nonsense." The angry manotaur said.
"I beg to differ. Wait a second, do any of you hear that?" he asked. "It sounds like… bock-bock. Bock. Oh, isn't that strange- Bocock, bocAW! Is that? - BACAWK! That sounds like- BACAW! A bunch of chickens!"
The manotaurs gasped, and they huddled again. With their pride torn, they were reconsidering.
"It's like he's using some brain magic on us." The angry manotaur said.
The others muttered their agreement, finally one of them turned back to Ford, "After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you become a man!"
"MAN! MAN! MAN!" The other manotaurs chanted.
"That's great news," Ford smiled. "So where do we begin?"
"This way." Chutzpar said, and the manotaurs led him to a hole in the ground. Near it was a sign that read, 'Pain Hole'. "Being a man is about conquering your fears," Chutzpar explained. "Since you call yourself Ford the Fearless, this should be easy for you."
"For your first test," another spoke, "You must plunge your fist INTO THE PAIN HOLE!" The other manotaurs winced at the mention of it.
"The what now..?" Ford asked.
A manotaur walked up to the hole to put his fist in it, "Pain hole, schmainhole," he scoffed. Less than a second later, he screamed painfully, clutching his hand and running away in tears.
Ford gulped, "Are you sure this is really necessary?"
"You want to be a man, don't you?" Chutzpar asked. The other manotaurs continued chanted behind him.
Ford took a deep breath, removed his glove, and plunged his hand into the hole, "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" he screamed.
The screams were so loud, that if Stan and Grauntie Mabel were paying attention, they would have heard it. Fids, however, caught the distant sound, but he shrugged it off.
Heather however said. "Doesn't that sound like Ford's scream?"
Stan shrug. "If he's screaming he's still breathing."
"He's fine." Fids said as they walked into Greasy's Dinner for the second time that day.
"Of course he's fine." Stan said. "I know he thinks I save him a lot, but he's smart. He can handle himself."
Heather nodded and started to give Mabel her pep talk. "Now remember be nice, and smile."
"And don't be too push." Fids added.
"Yeah don't force it." Stan agreed as Grenda came into view.
"Now go make her your friend." Heather said.
Mabel march off proudly, only to slip on a fallen banana peel. She slides ungracefully across the room and hits the counter. Causing the stacks of plates to fall down on her. "Oops." She said.
Stan sigh in disbelieve as Fids and Heather hid their faces behind their hands. "This is going to take a lot longer than we thought…" he said the obvious.
A lot longer indeed.
(Back with Ford…)
It had been a long, hard day, but forty-eight tasks later, Ford was really starting to enjoy spending time with the manotaurs. He has never felt this level of confidence before. Not even when he was about to ace his algebra final right before school ended. He and the manotaurs were taking a break from the manliness tests in a hot spring. It felt very relaxing.
"You know, fellas," Ford spoke smoothly, "I just gotta say… these last few hours have been very life changing for me. You took me under my wing when you didn't have to, and I am really beginning to see the results. I can feel that there's been some growth, not only for myself, but also between us. You've all been so supportive."
"Oh, stop," Chutzpar smiled, obviously flattered by Ford's compliments.
"You know what," Ford spoke up. "You really have been. Thanks to you all, I think I feel like I'm finally becoming a man!"
Chutzpar grew serious, "Not yet, Fearless. One final task remains. The deadliness trial of all."
Ford clenched his fist and spoke with confidence, "I've survived the other forty-nine trials. Whatever it is, I can take it!"
The manotaurs cheered and later Ford was taken back to the cave, where Chutzpar prepared him by giving Ford fake tattoos across his body. He also advised him to wearing nothing but a loincloth, which he reluctantly agreed.
Chutzpar said it was the traditional dress of his people and he must were it in order to make the final test valid. This made sense to Ford so naturally he agreed. Once changed he approached Chutzpar as several manotaurs played the drums behind him for dramatic effect.
"Behold our leader, Leaderaur!" Chutzpar gestured to an old, hunched manotaur that was humming to himself.
"Is he supposed to be the oldest?" Ford asked in disbelief. Mostly because he was shocked that such muscle head would listen to such a weak looking old manotaur. "Or the wisest of your people, or…?"
The old manotaur spoke in a quavering voice, "Greetings, young-" before he could say anything more, something much larger ate him.
"Naw, he was just the offering," Chutzpar said, answering Ford's question. He pointed up to what just ate the old manotaur. "That… is Leaderaur."
The beast was larger than the others, at least 15 feet tall, and he had flames coming out of his nostrils and a large, buff, and intimidating build.
Nonetheless, Ford still held his own and looked at the large manotaur.
"YOU. YOU WISH TO BE A MAN?" Leaderaur asked in a booming voice.
In response, Ford banged on chest and gave his best warrior cry.
The manotaurs cheered behind him.
"THEN YOU MUST DO HEROIC ACT! GO TO HIGHEST MOUNTAIN," he reached into his chest and pulled out a spear, "AND BRING BACK HEAD OF… THE MULTI-BEAR!" he tossed the spear at Ford's feet.
Ford heard gasps around him, and he grew worried, "The multi-bear?" he asked. "Is that some type of bear…?"
"HE'S OUR SWORN ENEMY! CONQUER HIM AND YOUR MANSFORMATION WILL BE COMPLETE."
"Conquer? I-I don't know…" Ford rubbed his arm, unsure.
He saw that Chutzpar was going through his bag, and he blushed when he pulled out Ford's CD of BABBA. "Fearless, is this yours?"
Ford snatched it out of his hand and laughed uneasily, "Oh, no! I, uh, I was holding it for a friend. Yep. Not mine. At all."
Another manotaur glared at him, "Mmm, I don't know about this…"
Other manotaurs were murmuring in agreement. Wanting to prove them wrong, he went back over to the spear and lifted it up over his head, "I SHALL CONQUER THE MULTI-BEAR!" he yelled.
The manotaurs cheered their approval however all Ford could manage was a large gulp as he wonder about what horrors he had talked himself into this time!
-To Be Continued