This is the only mission a henchman should ever volunteer for. It's a soft job that gets you out of the main citadel with its executions for failures (just send in optimistic reports), allows you a chance to skim off some quick cash, and offers the possibility of a few laughs. What's not to like?
The faithful sidekick:
SET UP A MEETING ON NEUTRAL GROUND, POINT OUT TO HIM THE FINAL BATTLE USUALLY WINDS UP WITH THE HERO THE ONLY MAN REMAINING ON HIS FEET, AND HAND OVER THE DEED TO A GOOD FARM WITH LOTS OF PEACE AND QUIET AND THE POSSIBILITY OF A LONG, LONG LIFE.
The highly intelligent pet whatever (dog, monkey, triceratops, etc.):
NOTIFY THE HUMANE SOCIETY THIS ANIMAL IS BEING CONSTANTLY TAKEN INTO DANGEROUS SITUATIONS. THAT ORGANIZATION WILL PROMPTLY SEIZE THE PET INTO THEIR CUSTODY, AND THEN LET THE HUMANS GO OFF TO GET KILLED WITHOUT BATTING AN EYE.
The girlfriend:
A SMOKY HIDDEN CAMP IN THE FOREST, A BAKING CARAVANSERI IN THE DESERT, A LEAKING GARBAGE SCOW IN A FORCE-TEN GALE, AND THE LIKE WILL DO NOTHING FOR YOUR COMPLEXION, HONEY. PLUS, NONE OF THEM HAVE A BIDET. JUST LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER WHEN SHE SAYS SHE'S FOUND A NICE BOY FOR YOU CLOSE TO HOME.
The doddering wizard:
SIGN THE COMMITMENT PAPERS UNDER A FORGED NAME. AFTER THE FIRST FEW GUYS GET TURNED INTO FROGS, THE REST OF THE PSYCH SQUAD WILL BE TOO MAD TO CHECK ON THIS, AND A NICE COURSE OF ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY AND TRIPLE DOSES OF THORAZINE SHOULD TAKE CARE OF HIM.
The seer(ess), comic relief, wandering minstrel, dancing-bear owner, et al.:
VEGAS IS THE PLACE FOR YOU, BABY. I GOT A SIX-MONTH CONTRACT RIGHT HERE, JUST SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE…