Episode Summary: In which Stan wakes up with a mustache and chaos ensues
Disclaimers: I do not own Gravity Falls or the Relativity Falls AU
Author Notes: This mini episode is inspired by an entry in the Journal 3 book where Ford gets attached by a living mustache.
Beard Cubs are living, ambulatory beards and mustaches roaming the Gravity Falls Forest stealing aftershave from camping grounds. Nesting everywhere from trees and bushes to the faces of lumberjacks, they can also have hostile tendencies, as one once attacked Ford Pines and nearly lodged itself onto his face. The best advice is to always carry a pocket razor if confronting them.
Parts of this episode were also inspired by Fanfiction Writer; Imagaco! Thanks for all your great ideas and supporting me throughout this series. Also prepare yourselves; I laughed throughout this whole episode. It must be one of the silliest ones I have written for this series yet.
Fun Fact: according to Disney Wiki Grenda's full name is Grenda Grendinator, and while the page was published by a user known as HARRYHENRY1, Alex Hirsch later confirmed it to be cannon. Who knew right?
With all that said please enjoy this Episode Short!
Episode Short #9: Stan Grows a Beard!
(12:00 am; 1 week after the Blood Rush incident)
It came for him in the dead of the night, and it was hungry for his face!
Ford had been working on his Weirdness Magnetism theory, he knows he's on to something. A supernatural gravitational pull was attracting these creatures here and making it where they couldn't leave. He figured it was a lot like a black hole, once you crossed over the threshold there was no leaving. Still, he had nothing to back up his theory and it was driving him nuts. Mostly because he could use the entire day to research. Now about half of it was used for their project, with the science fair around the corner they needed every second they could get. Luckily, their Perpetual Motion Machine was complete, in its structure. However, getting the machine to engage in continuous motion was proving to be a challenge.
So, they worked on the project tirelessly leaving Ford to use what little free time he had left over to work on his theory. He had already exhausted the library's resources and even combed through the local museum for clues, to no avail. Now, he was staying up late for the seventh night in a row in a hopeless attempt to have his first break through.
It was a particularly warm night and Ford had risked keeping the attic window open ajar. It was a decision he was about to regret. Sitting on his bed, with Stan snoring across the room, Ford did his best to write out his theory the best he could in a spiral notebook. His plan was to add the theory into the Journal once he had it ironed out perfectly. He's so wrapped up in his work he doesn't see a small hairy thing creep in through the open window. It crawls over the windowsill and onto the desk, knocking over a cup of pencils.
Ford looks to see Pencils and pens as they fall and scatter all over the floor. "What?" He watches for a minute, but he sees nothing. Finally with a sigh, he gets up and goes to pick up the mess. He scoops up the pencils and reaches for the cup when a hair thing jumps out and tries to get at his face! He screams, barely managing to put his hands in the way.
The thing, growls? Could he call it a growl? It was almost like a screechy grunt, it latched on to the sides of his face, pinning his hands under it.
Ford tries to pull his hands away from his face, to pry the thing off, but it's no good. He's bumping into things, his bed, the wall, the desk, the closet; desperately trying to get this thing off. Finally, with one more swift tug he manages to rip the best off and smack into the attic door-HARD! He's knocked before he even reaches the floor.
His last thoughts are how he just fought the best to an inch of his life. A best that was still there, probably going in for the kill at that very moment….
(Morning, around 8 o'clock)
Ford screamed as he shot up from the attic floor only to see…that he was fine?
He touched his face franticly only to sigh in relief. "It must have been a crazy dream." He realized.
"Hey Sixer, you okay Bro?" Stan's voice called out from down the hall.
"Yeah, just a weird dream." He half answered himself as he got to his feet.
"Oh good, cause do I have the coolest thing to show you." Stan walks into the room and Ford does a double take.
Stan had a mustache! An actual mustache!
"Look, I finally got facial hair!" Stan exclaims.
Ford blinks once, twice, and shakes his head as if trying to confirm this is part of reality and not the dream.
"Pretty cool right?" Stan asked.
"Cool?" Ford couldn't even grasp the concept of why his brother thought this was cool. "Stanley we're like 12 you shouldn't have body hair anywhere, let alone your face!"
Oh, come on it's totally cool." Stan argued.
"No, it's weird, like the time a got a deeper voice weird." Ford looks skeptical.
"No, you're just jealous that I'm more manly than you." Stan snapped.
"More manly?" Ford snorts. "Stan you've always been more manly than me this is something else." He goes over to the desk to check the journal only to see that the cup is still knocked over. Also, the pencils are all over the floor like they had dropped them in a panic. 'Oh no! Maybe it wasn't a dream!' He snatches up the journal and starts flipping through the books. "Stan this is serious; we have to figure out what this thing is."
"Thing?" Stan gives him a look. "It's facial hair, you'll get some…eventually." He chuckled.
"No, it's a monster, it attacked me last night." Ford tried to explain as he continued to flip through the pages. "That's why I was on the floor, it wasn't a dream! Don't you see?"
"Not really." Stan admitted and shrugged. "Anyway, I got things to do." He gets up to leave.
"Stanley, I told you this is serious!" Ford yelled.
"And I told you I have plans!" He pulled out an old-looking piece of paper.
"Oh, come Stan not that again!" Ford groaned.
The paper was Stan's bucket list, only the things listed were impossible and too unrealistic to ever complete.
"Didn't we agree last time that it was pointless?" Ford reminded him.
"We did." Stan said. "But look!" He points to the list. "Item #10 Punch a dinosaur! I did that! I did that!"
Okay, that caused Ford to pause for a moment, because yes, Stan had indeed punched a dinosaur. Still, there was no way he could accomplish anything else on his list. "That's a fluke, the other stuff is impossible. No one is going to join a band with you, and you are never getting a girlfriend."
"Okay first ouch." Stan looked offended. "And secondly, Bonnie and I dated."
"It was fake, and it lasted less than a week." Ford pointed out.
"It was still a date, it counts." Stan yelled. "Besides Merlina and I dated."
"For a day." Ford reminded him.
"But I got my kiss!" Stan pointed to item #4 on his list. " And I got facial hair, Item #5! See bro, this place is perfect for the bucket list. I already have 4 out of 10."
Okay, so maybe Stan's theory about the bucket list held some water. Heck at this point he was making more progress than Ford was at his own theory. Still, it didn't matter because they had a severe problem. "Stanley, I really think we should address the situation." He insisted. "You know before it gets worse."
"Can't hear you!" Stan yelled as he walked out.
"Stan!" Ford yelled still shifting through the journal, he stops as he sees an entry on…Beard Cubs?! "Stanley!" He races after Stan who is going down the stairs.
"What's with all the yelling this morning?" Mabel asked. "Whoa Stan!" She nearly dropped her coffee cup. "Well don't you look like a dapper young man this morning!" She beamed.
"See Grauntie Mable gets it." Stan says to Ford as he races down to catch up with them in the Kitchen.
"No, it's a supernatural creature stuck to your face." Ford tried to show him the journal. "You know like the Truth teeth."
Mabel sighs as she starts making breakfast at the stove, with her back to the boys. "Such an imagination, I'm telling you kid, you'd be a very successful writer."
Stan pushes the book away. "Sorry but nothing is getting in the way of my day." He said with determination. "Today, I finish this list!"
"That's great." Mabel praised. "It's good to have goals more kids your age should have them."
"Well, no sense in wasting time here, Sorry Grauntie Mabel no breakfast today." Stan heads out as he spoke.
"That's okay sport." Mabel said all chipper. "How about you Ford? Any Breakfast?"
"Stan!" Ford races after his brother.
"I guess not." She sighs feeling left out. "I know I'll call Grenda, I haven't seen her in ages!" She picks up the phone and gives her a call.
"Hello?" Growing Grenda answered.
"Hey, I know it's short notice, but what to come over for breakfast?"
"I'd be delighted." Grenda answers. "Be there in ten."
"Great, see you then." Mabel hangs up, humming as she cooks.
(Outside…)
Outside the brothers run into Fids who are ready to start another day of science.
"Hey guys what's-holy molly!" He exclaims as he sees Stan's face.
"Cool hu?" Stan says proudly.
"No not cool!" Ford yells. "He has a beard cub on his face, and he refuses to listen to reason."
"A what?" Fids looks like he just got hit by a brick wall.
"Nope, not listening." Stan said.
"Hey guys we're here -what the heck is on your face dude!" Danny exclaims as he sees Stan. He and Cooper were showing up for their shift.
"Dude that's sick." Cooper admitted. "I've been trying to grow mine for weeks." He shows off the small peach fuzz under his nose. "Heather likes older guys." He reminded them.
"It's facial hair." Stan said a little annoyed. Today was supposed to be his day off, a prime opportunity for bucket listing. Bhut everyone kept stopping him and getting in his way.
"Yeah, but how did you grow it in one night?" Cooper asked, remembering that he saw Stan yesterday, mustache free.
"It's a monster, that's stuck to his face!" Ford tried to explain AGAIN!
"Oh, I've heard of this." Danny said. "Lumber jacks wake up with full beards and bushy mustaches all the time around here."
Stan raises an eyebrow. "Really? So, what does it mean?"
"My mom says it's a sign of true manliness." Danny explained. "She got one once and shamed the town's entire male population. It was awesome."
"Cool." Cooper admitted.
"See they like it too." Stan pointed out.
"No, it's not a real mustache!" Ford yelled. "See it's a monster!" He points at the page in the journal.
"Beard Cubs, living, ambulatory beards and mustaches roaming the Gravity Falls Forest." Danny read.
"Stealing aftershave from camping grounds and nesting everywhere from trees, to bushes and even faces of lumberjacks." Cooper continued. "So what?"
"So what?" Ford asked.
"Say it is a Beard cub the journal doesn't say it's dangerous." Cooper pointed out. "Just that it likes to take after shave and hang out on people's faces."
"It attacked me!" Ford yelled.
"Bro it probably just wanted to sleep on your face." Stan said.
Ford looked to Fids for support.
Fids shrugged. "He's got a point; it doesn't seem to be hurting him."
Seriously, was no one worried about this but him? "Where's Heather, she'd agree with me!"
"She's helping her parents clean out the garage today." Cooper answered. "Besides Dan is back so she doesn't have to be here early to cover his shift."
"Susan then? Bud?" Ford was desperate now.
"Helping Heather." Cooper said as if it was obvious. "Seriously Ford it's not that bad, it's facial hair how dangerous can it be?"
"Thank you, now if you guys will excuse me, I got things to do." Stan goes to leave.
"No, that thing is coming off!" Ford decides that if no one is going to listen to him then he would just have to do it by force. He goes to pull it off and the strangest thing happens.
The ends of the mustache lash out like a whip, slapping Ford's hand away.
"What the-!" Stan exclaims.
"See I told you!" Ford shouts. "Ouch that really hurt." He added blowing on his hand.
"It moved, it moved!" Fids hid behind Cooper, who hid behind Danny.
"Wicked." Danny admitted.
Stan, now seeing that Ford's claims held some ground, starts freaking out. "Get it off, get it off. Get it off!" He tries to pull the creature off to no avail.
"Guys help me." Ford ordered as he went back in.
The four friends move in, all trying to get at the mustache, but it fights back with hair like tendrils. It thrashes, and whips at the attackers. Finally, 2 tendrils grow really long, causing Stan to dangle in the air like he's on stilts.
"Stanford help!" Stan cries as the mustache runs away on its stilt like tendrils.
"After him!" Ford orders and runs.
The others follow, all but Danny, who has an idea.
He races back home to get the items he thinks will save the day.
(Following Stan…)
Stan screams as he is being carried deep into the woods. This was insane, hair was abducting him!
"We're coming Stan!" Ford shouted.
"We'll think of something, just hold on!" Fids added.
"Seriously, just one boring day." Cooper yelled. "Is that too much to ask?"
"Don't look at me!" Ford said. "I didn't ask for it to jump on my brother's face and abduct him!"
"No but you just had to prove you were right!" Cooper yelled. "Everything was fine until you tried to take it off."
Ford had to admit Cooper was technically right…Man was it just him, or was everyone having a better time proving their points today? His eyes widen as he notices his brother is pulling too far ahead. "Stan, keep screaming so we know where you are!"
"Not a problem!" Stan screams.
Suddenly Danny jumps out from the woods ahead of him.
The Mustache slows down its retreat at the sight of the new obstacle allowing the others to catch up. Now Stan was surrounded by his brother and their friends. The Mustache is looking for a way out.
"What do we do?" Fids asked. "Ford?"
"I don't know! The Journal it says a razor will keep it at bay, but…. nothing, there's nothing about getting it off."
"I got this!" Danny pulls out some after shave and opens the bottle. "GO get it!" He throws it.
At first, nothing happens as the bottle hits the ground. Then there's a loud sound like something is taking a whiff of the air.
The mustache retracts its tendrils and jumps off Stan's face and after the after shave.
Stan yelps as he lands on the forest floor, but first.
"Hurry take these!" Danny passes out some razors.
The beard cub, however, is too distracted by his new treat, The boys slowly back away as it munches on the after shave. They continue to back away, razors at the ready, even as they existed the forest and made it across the Mystery Shack property.
It wasn't until they entered the shack that they finally lowed their weapons.
"That was…" Ford began.
"Crazy." Stan agreed. "Sorry I didn't believe you bro."
"Sorry I went psycho and made it worse." Ford answered.
"Yeah, why did you do that?" Cooper asked.
"Sixer gets crazy when he goes several days without sleeping." Stan answered.
"Why aren't you sleeping?" Fids asked as they entered the kitchen.
Ford goes to answer, but Mabel cuts him off.
"Ah what happened to your dapper mustache?"
"It was a crime against nature." Stan answered.
"Fair enough." Mabel sighed, she and Grenda were eating together at the table.
"Hey kids." Grenda said in her usual growly voice.
"Hey Ms. Grendinator." They all answered politely.
"I made extra breakfast in case you kids changed your minds." Mabel said.
"Oh cool. Thanks Ms. Pines.
Stan sighs as he sits down at the table looking at his bucket list. "I guess I have to uncheck item #5 uh?"
Ford looks at the list and smiles. "Nope, it says get a mustache, not grow one."
"But it wasn't a real mustache." Fids pointed out.
"Still keep it." Ford encouraged Stan. "After all that, you've earned it."
Stan smiled. "Thanks bro."
"Any time."
-To Be Continued