Earlier that evening, the three novice Slayers had been really excited about going on their first training patrol with none other than Xander Harris, headmaster of the Cleveland House.
Right now, though, this enthusiasm was considerably dampened. Along with their feet, their legs up to their knees, and regrettably for Natalia Marigold who'd actually slipped and landed on her butt in something smelly beyond belief, the back of that Slayer's jeans.
Since when did a way too much up close and personal tour of the city sewer system led by Mr. Harris have anything to do with safeguarding humanity from the supernatural scum of the universe?
To make matters worse, he wouldn't shut up. Bouncing randomly from topic to topic in ceaseless chatter, the man in front of three young women wanting nothing more to go back to their quarters for a good, long shower with lots and lots of scented shampoo was currently holding forth on…Julius Caesar?
While strolling along a concrete walkway cut alongside the deep, filthy-black water carried by the massive pipe they were traveling through, Xander wanted to know, "Any of you ever hear of the concept that every breath you take has a few molecules of Julius Caesar's own last breath after he got stabbed to death on the Ides of March?"
Incredulous glances were traded among the three girls following someone who clearly wasn't playing with a full deck. Nobody had time to answer Xander's question after he'd tossed this inquiry over his shoulder, though, due to him continuing regardless.
"Well, when me and Jesse, my high school buddy, learned that in first-year physics, after class we wondered if, you know, it worked the other way around. Like, um, it also happened with another part of old Julie's body. Hey, we were teenagers! It still made some kinda sense to us, when Mr. The-Die-Is-Cast took his last dump, that particular bowel movement then traveled through the Rome sewers into the Mediterranean and then the Atlantic, to spread out all over the world."
Pausing, Xander kicked a soggy clump of unidentified material clinging to the edge of the walkway across the water to the other wall of their pipe. When this awful substance smacked against the pipe's curving section, it splatted there.
In his most cheerful tone, Xander remarked, "See? Betcha a little bit of that at one time or another, it traveled down the alimentary canal of just about any historical figure you can name."
Turning around to beamingly observe Natalia plus Michelle Heywood and Ellie Gonzalez trying very hard not to vomit into the water, Xander decided that however fun it was to tease them, those girls were right at their limits now. It wouldn't do at all for him to provoke a Slayer mutiny, with him being shoved into the sewage by them before they speedily took off back to the Cleveland House. So…time for the real purpose of them being here.
"Okay, that might've been just a tad vulgar, as Director Giles would put it. But it's a good way as any of demonstrating there are such things as weird connections among items you wouldn't normally think of ever being associated together. When you toss in magic, it gets even stranger. Guess what? You're gonna see for yourself. We got a tip that tonight, something a little odd of the mojo stuff will happen here. Nothing that'll hurt anybody, but it's probably a fair enough introduction for you three to the new world you just joined after becoming Slayers."
Coming to a stop in his short lecture, Xander looked expectantly at the three girls to see if they were keeping up with him. While they seemed a little confused, this was only to be expected. Otherwise, nothing appeared to prevent him and the others to go onto the next step.
"Right, follow me again. There's no definite time or place where we'll see whatever's scheduled to go down, so we might as well as take another lap through here."
With that said, Xander turned around and resumed his walk down the concrete pathway. He heard the girls coming after him with their own soft footsteps.
Though, because his back was turned to the Slayers, Xander didn't see how Natalia immediately give the other girls her best suspicious glare signifying a silent 'Are you really buying any of this?'
Ellie and Michelle simultaneously shook their heads and eyed the man they were all following. It was clear that they both knew about Mr. Harris's exasperating penchant for initiation pranks upon new Slayers recently arriving at the Cleveland House. Natalia herself had been warned right away during unpacking in her assigned room by the first full Slayer to drop by and pass along the usual advice for the noobs.
Excellent. That meant they were all on the same page. Let the headmaster get up to whatever he was planning, but the female trio wouldn't fall for it. In fact, maybe they could somehow turn the tables on Mr. Harris. That'd definitely impress the other Slayers in their house, which made it even better.
Sharing identical tight smiles of mutual conspiracy, Natalia, Michelle and Ellie kept a few steps back from the man with whom they were taking their tour of the sewers. It went that way for the next couple of minutes, until Xander stopped short. This caused the three Slayers to also halt and become even more alert than before.
Ah-hah…there were the sounds of faint splashing at where the watercourse curved around the corner ahead. Making quick glances around at their surroundings resulted in the Slayers spotting nothing which indicated a sudden practical joke was about to be played on them.
Right then, Xander hissed to them, "Guess it's starting. Remember, whatever you see, it won't involve us, but to be on the safe side, we don't meddle either. Just stay where you are, and nobody moves or speaks until it's over."
That wasn't what the girls were expecting. Shouldn't Mr. Harris be encouraging them to do the Slayer thing and attack head-on whoever was coming nearer? And of course, it'd somehow end up with them looking like idiots. All right, then, they'd go along for now and wait for the originator of those approaching noises to reveal themselves.
Without further ado, a rowboat turned around the corner of the sewer pipe and floated towards the dumbfounded people on the walkway.
This small boat coming up to and then past a gaping Xander and the Slayers doing in unison the same carried a full seven people crammed together into a vessel which was nearly sinking under the combined weight of these passengers. In order, from bow to stern, there were:
A clean-cut guy dressed in an office suit outfit, including the tie and long-sleeved shirt but without his jacket probably taken off to help with paddling the boat with the oar he was briskly using.
Behind him was a beautiful blonde dressed up in a ballet costume. With a tutu, naturally.
In his third position, another and more nervous-looking guy wore nothing but a set of all-over red underwear.
Standing in the middle of the rowboat, someone clad in the uniform of an American Revolutionary War officer, down to the bicorn hat and white wig, braced himself with the boat's other oar.
Moving on, there was seated a much older guy holding in his lap a little dog. Possibly a beagle, the numb witnesses all thought.
Seeing second from last the Boy Scout troop leader in his bandanna and Smokey the Bear hat only rounded things out, actually.
Finally, at the rear position of the rowboat, there was a ship's captain smoking a pipe who calmly held a coil of rope, ready to cast a line at any time to tie up at their dock.
As it turned out, Xander hadn't needed to warn the others not to say a word or otherwise interfere. They all speechlessly watched the rowboat glide out of sight with the splashing noises coming from the operated oar also dying away soon after.
"Huh," Xander said thoughtfully. He turned his attention back to where the Slayers were, only to flinch a bit at the three intent gazes now being sent his way.
Natalia began, "What was—"
Interrupting, Xander shrugged, "—that all about? No clue, ladies. Not a one. The only thing I can think of which might partially explain it is somewhere and sometime else, what we all saw really happened but since we weren't around then, they didn't react to us here. Why, I have absolutely no idea, nor why we were lucky enough to see it. If lucky's the right word."
The Slayers traded baffled expressions, only to listen to Xander again.
"Like I said before, this is part of the supernatural life. It isn't all apocalypses or fighting vamps or the stories I bet you've already heard from the others about what we went through in Sunnydale. There's also the flat-out weird with no answers, ever. Best advice I can give about this, just go with it, girls. Be flexible and know you can deal with it, and you'll be ready for more of the same. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah," came a rather doubtful chorus from Ellie, Natalia, and Michelle.
Xander's usual smile came back with that. He grinned at the Slayers. "Okay, let's go home. I've got some old tarps in our car's trunk to cover the seats so we won't have to hose it out afterwards."
Author's Note: The crossover for this chapter is the 1967 comedy heist film Who's Minding The Mint? distributed by Columbia Pictures, with the exact sewer scene as described above, boat and all.
The title for this chapter comes from someone whom I would've really liked to include in the story. Alas, nothing came to mind on how to properly add him. With the rights to this belonging to their proper owners, you can still hear on Youtube none other than Art Carney singing from 'Music for Men Working':
I work in the sewer,
It's a very hard job.
You know they don't hire
Just any old slob.
You don't have to wear
A tie or a coat.
You just have to know
How to float.
Chorus:
We sing the song of the sewer
Of the sewer we sing this song.
Together we stand
With shovel in hand
To keep things rollin' along.
I work down the manhole
With a guy named Bruce.
And we are in charge
Of all the refuse.
He lets me go first
While he holds the lid.
I'm telling you, sheesh...
What a sweet kid.
Chorus:
We sing the song of the sewer
Of the sewer we sing this song.
Together we stand
With shovel in hand
To keep things rolling along.
Oo-oo Oo-oo Oo-oo-Oo-oo
A funny thing happened
To Bruce yesterday.
The tide came along
He got carried away.
He come out in Jersey.
But it's O.K. now.
Cause that's where
He lives anyhow.
Chorus:
We sing the song of the sewer
Of the sewer we sing this song.
Together we stand
With shovel in hand
To keep things rolling along.
My father he worked
In the sewer Uptown.
I followed his footsteps
And worked my way down.
That's how I began
In this here industry.
I just sort of fell into it.
Sheesh, lucky me.
Chorus:
We sing the song of the sewer
Of the sewer we sing this song.
Together we stand
With shovel in hand
To keep things rollin' along.