Xander Harris regarded with increasing dread the pleasant suburban home from where he was standing on the front sidewalk of this residence. Sunnydale had a good many places within that Hellmouth-haunted city for which no sensible person would even dream of visiting without an extremely good reason: assorted vampire lairs, demon hangouts, atrocity-prone warehouses, and the local Shriners fraternity.

That place he had to drop in on today was a lot more intimidating than any other location Xander could think of, though. Maybe, say, it was due to that house being the home of the Kendall family and within the next five minutes Xander was going to have to explain to Harmony's mother and grandmother exactly how he'd gotten their little girl pregnant.

Sometime later during the ensuing ordeal in the living room, a sweating Xander couldn't help marveling over just how scary a bouffant hairdo could be. Especially when it was attached to an expertly made-up face of a mature woman almost sixty years old and fighting this every step of the way. That same lady was now sending her dirtiest look towards Xander from the opposite couch where she was sitting with another woman a generation younger and bearing the identical angry glare as her mother.

Holding onto Xander's hand as she'd been doing since taking her place by him on the other couch, Harmony loudly repeated, "I'm telling you, he saved my life! Those two guys in Halloween masks, Xander here fought them both off that night, but he got hurt doing it! The high school was the closest place where he could get patched up right away, so we sneaked into the library and I helped him with the bandages. Um…I felt really grateful to him then, so I kissed Xander and he kissed me back and, uh, you know…"

Harmony trailed off at seeing how nastily Grandma was eyeing her new boyfriend.

In her most venomous tone, Mrs. Kendall the elder hissed at Xander, "And you didn't even use a condom?!"

"Yes, I did!" protested Xander.

Quailing under the simultaneous disbelieving maternal glowers of the Kendall women, Xander frantically nodded but refrained from explaining he'd swiped these contraceptives from the packet concealed in G-man's desk drawer. At the time, there hadn't been a chance for Xander to do anything but momentarily wonder precisely why a British librarian had these in there, not when a set of feminine hands were eagerly pulling down his pants—

"Well, he did!" Harmony indignantly concurred. "By the third time, we'd gotten enough practice putting them on correctly!"

Xander closed his eyes for a moment, but this didn't block out him hearing the incensed gasps coming in stereo from the other couch. Opening his eyes again, Xander turned his head to begin asking Harmony to stop helping like that.

The teenage boy forgot what he'd been about to say, however, at seeing how pretty she looked in her seat still holding onto his hand. Chin sticking out in delightful defiance, this young girl gave off the overpowering impression that no matter the kind of trouble she was in now, Harmony Kendall knew she'd always be loved and cherished by her mom and Grandma.

Which was…not something Xander was ever going to get from his own parents, the local town drunks. A strange expression of intermixed yearning and actual affection softened Xander's exasperated face while he stared at an unaware Harmony. The other Kendall women picked up on this though and it led to the older of them recalling some very horrified rumors quietly whispered for decades among those in the real estate business concerning Sunnydale.

Even though she'd worked for a short while in one of the Southern California theme parks before becoming a Los Angeles realtor when her straying husband abandoned his wife and newborn daughter, Barbara Kendall kept her wedded name because it was hard enough being a single mother back in the early 1960's without essentially admitting there was no longer an actual spouse around. And then it'd happened all over again nearly twenty years later when Melody met a smooth-talking lecher at a college party who hadn't even bothered with marriage much less longer than a one night stand.

Ordinarily, Barbara wouldn't have agreed with the third time being the charm, not when it was Harmony! However…

In a much less furious voice than before, Barbara posed a direct question to Xander, "Those people in Halloween masks, were they part of the gangs on PCP?"

Xander's jaw fell open in shock. You just didn't get that shorthand for vampires from outsiders; i.e., non-Sunnydale residents. Still speechless, Xander simply nodded.

That produced a swift paling under the older woman's makeup. Barbara fell back against the back of the couch, wrapping both arms around herself as if she were chilled to the bone. Her daughter and granddaughter both watched this happen in mutual concern.

Before either Melody or Harmony could ask if she was all right, Barbara quickly recovered somewhat, as shown by her requesting, "Melody, dear, I'd like a hot cup of coffee. Could you please make one for me? Harmony, go help your mother. Now."

Accustomed all their lives in doing what the older Kendall wanted when she used that exact ultra-strict tone of voice, the younger women obediently went off together to the kitchen. Which as Xander noticed then was just out of earshot of the living room if you kept it down…

Indeed, Barbara leaned towards the teenager on the opposite couch and told him in just above a whisper, "This place is bad, you know that?"

Again, Xander could do nothing but nod under an intent gaze.

Barbara grimaced, but she maintained her forward posture. "I've been trying to get them out of here for years, but for some reason, Melody won't do it." She studied Xander looking uncomfortable.

"There is a reason?"

Another quick nod was made by Xander.

Blowing out a resigned breath, Barbara continued to examine Xander. He could actually see the gears busily working away in her brain—

"Harmony's going to have your baby," quietly said Barbara. "You protected her once. Can you protect her for as long as it takes?"

Xander did his own grimace. He had to admit, "Me and my friends…we've been doing this for a while now. But there's some underground buzz going around that maybe next year, something really big's gonna happen here. We're not sure of the what or how yet, but I can't- won't let down my friends. Not even for Harmony and my…kid."

A tormented expression abruptly flashed over Xander's face at that final admission. He stared beseechingly at Barbara as if begging for her understanding.

She gazed back at the anguished teenager for a moment before musingly informing him, "Melody and myself, we never knew our fathers. Hers because he was a lousy skirt-chaser who took off one day and never called again, but mine…all I've got is a couple of pictures of him. The last one is him in his Navy uniform holding me when I was almost two years old. He died three months later in the Battle of Midway."

Having said that to an absorbed Xander, Barbara gently wanted to know from him, "Is it really that important, what you're involved in?"

Rising his shoulders in a doubtful shrug, Xander admitted, "Like I said, there's no way to tell right now. If it's anything like, uh, the last couple of times, nobody anywhere is going to be safe if it all goes wrong."

Barbara blinked at hearing this. Surely it couldn't be that bad… Except, the boy- young man before herself was absolutely convincing and there was also a look in his eyes she'd seen only once at a WWII Navy pilots reunion when the families of the lost had met the survivors. A sort of weary determination to do your utmost no matter the cost demanded, however high that might be.

A decision with far-reaching consequences was made then by Barbara. She told Xander, "There are two requirements for minors under eighteen to get married in California. The first is having a judge sign off on it, and I helped one get a Brentwood house for way less than he was prepared to pay, so no problem there. Second, parental consent has to be given on both sides. Melody will go along for that, absolutely. What about yours?"

Xander was totally flabbergasted at the sudden change of topic from out of nowhere. He gaped at Mrs. Kendall before managing, "Uh, I just don't know. Tony might either clobber me for getting a girl in trouble, laugh his ass off and sign the papers, or throw me out of the house. It'll depend how drunk he'll be at the time—" Cutting himself off for saying all that, Xander turned bright red and avoided Barbara's eye.

Inwardly simmering with rage, Barbara curtly replied, "Set up a meeting for me with your parents. I'll deal with him. Will your mother make a fuss about it?"

Still staring down at the living room floor, Xander muttered, "Nope. It's not like she ever went against Tony, anyway, not that I can remember."

"Fine," gritted Barbara. She studied the shamed teenager to say more sympathetically, "Xander – not Alexander, right?"

That brought Xander's head up, to jerkily nod in growing hope at Barbara. She briskly continued, "I think it's best you move in here permanently. I know quite well there's a spare bedroom you can have."

"But what about Harmony's mom?" Xander plaintively asked. "Uh, she still might not feel all that happy about me in the first place!"

There were noises coming from the kitchen indication the coffee preparation was coming to a close. Barbara glanced over there and then looked back at Xander. "There's something which'll get Melody totally on your side. Me, too, but you've got five seconds to figure it out before they come back. Oh, and you better mean it."

Xander's mind was in a whirl, trying to think of what Mrs. Kendall was implying. He finally got it when Harmony and Melody returned to the living room. Standing up when Melody gave her mother the requested coffee cup, Xander looked directly at Harmony standing by the couch.

"Harmony Kendall, will you marry me?"

An instant later, Xander had a double armful of happily squealing girl hugging him hard enough to nearly crush his ribs. Looking over Harmony's shoulder, a relieved Sunnydale High senior saw the wide smile on Melody's face which matched the approval of the older Kendall woman on the opposite couch.

Xander unthinkingly hugged Harmony back, until an abrupt thought made him instantly let go in worry. This resulted in shared laughter by the entire Kendall females, with Barbara saying what they were all thinking, "Good heavens, young man, she won't be showing for months yet!"

Well, as Barbara Kendall had said, months later her granddaughter was evidently pregnant. Lots of other things happened around Sunnydale which also involved Xander Harris: a new Slayer coming to town, the Homecoming dance during which Cordelia and Harmony treated each other with icy politeness, a screaming fight with Harmony when Xander caved in and told her what he'd done to make Jack O'Toole chicken out, assisting Faith with the Sisters of Jhe which resulted in him turning down a very surprised girl's offer to sleep with her, talking Joyce Summers into letting Faith stay at the Revello house instead of a run-down motel and the ensuing rescue of Buffy's mom during the Cruciamentum, two Slayers smoothly working together to convince an assistant mayor to reveal all about Wilkins, and finally the upcoming high-school graduation day for the Class of 1999.

In between juggling his many responsibilities while setting up the student defense when Sunnydale's mayor turned into one really big snake demon (insert politician joke here), Xander wasn't very eager to take the latest call on his cell phone. He had to, though, what with Harmony about to go into labor any moment now. Thankfully, far away at a Los Angeles hospital along with her mom and grandma, who was Xander's caller.

"How's Harmony?" instantly asked Xander even before Mrs. Kendall could say anything.

Barbara told him, "Her contractions started an hour ago. She's fine so far, though Melody says Harmony still wants to kill you as painfully as possible. About that, don't you dare to get hurt today, Xander!"

Taking a deep breath, Xander husked into the phone, "I'll do my best. Thanks for calling. Tell Harm I love her and always will. Now, I've got to get back—"

"Wait!" interrupted Barbara. "I managed to persuade through some people I know to send more help to Sunnydale. They should be there soon, even though I can't exactly vouch for their reliability if they're anything like those damn assholes a long time ago back in Pennsylvania."

Xander responded with genuine confusion, "Uh, what? How come you didn't say anything earlier?"

In a very grumpy tone, Barbara explained, "I didn't want to get your hopes up if it didn't work out. Besides, it meant I had to go through the most humiliating experience of my whole life over and over again when the people I contacted laughed about it every single chance they had!"

"Huh?"

"Never mind," sourly replied Barbara. "Look, trust me, you'll know when they show up. Subtlety isn't exactly their strong point. Now, Xander, I'll pass on your love to Harmony. You concentrate on staying alive!"

"Yes, ma'am," said an obedient Xander.

About a couple hours later, things weren't looking good for the defenders of humanity. Wilkins had just done the changing-into-humongous-serpent trick, eaten Principal Snyder, and ordered the crowd of vampires and other hostile demons in the shadow of the mystical eclipse overhead to attack the students plus the rest of the audience. Until…

With a tremendous roar of motors and honking horns, a dozen tour buses burst into the vicinity from all sides, going off-road into the school grounds. Both attackers and defenders halted in their tracks to gape at these newcomers with the large vehicles draped all over in fluttering banners painted with a certain Greek symbol.

One particular pain in the ass for the Scooby Gang was so distracted that he stayed motionless even in the face of the onrushing tour bus coming right at him. Hit head on by that speeding means of transportation (which started braking only after the collision), Spike the vampire was thrown full-tilt through the air suffering from so many fractured bones that his mystical healing failed to save him from dusting for once and all even before he could hit the ground.

The rest of the buses also skidded to a halt, and then a horde of young men poured out of these vehicles bearing an assortment of hand weapons. Considering that a good portion of the reinforcements were clearly drunker than a shithouse rat, the enthusiastically brandished baseball bats, samurai swords, hockey sticks, and other bizarre armaments were as much of a danger to themselves as they were to the bewildered demons. Not that the previous gleeful guzzlement of as much alcohol as possible stopped the college-age horde from attacking en masse their foes, all while chanting a single word at the tops of their lungs.

Mayor Wilkins in his new form of an Olvikan demon had a sudden expression of dismayed recognition spread all over his reptile face. He definitely knew who those discourteous intruders were, though Wilkins was distracted then and there by Faith and Buffy both appearing right under his scaled nose and next simultaneously punching that part of his lengthy body with every bit of their Slayer strength.

Smashed back into an entangled coil, a maddened Wilkins straightened out and slithered with all the speed he possessed after the fleeing Slayers…right towards the abandoned high school.

Buffy and Faith stormed together through the school's front doors and disappeared inside, followed along by Wilkins crashing aside the doorways. Watching all this, Xander yelled to everyone in the vicinity, the newcomers included, "GET DOWN!"

All the humans hearing Xander instantly did as they'd been told, though those guys from the tour buses did it while uttering loud belches smelling like recycled beer.

Sunnydale High exploded.

Among the mopping up, checking for their wounded and fatalities (mercifully none at all for the latter), and other chores of dealing with a battle's aftermath, Xander was sidetracked by Willow with her arm in a sling nudging his elbow and pointing with her free hand, "Xander, isn't that Mrs. Kendall?"

"What?" Xander whirled around from gratefully seeing how a scorched Buffy and Faith were staggering towards them with their arms over each shoulder and giggling on the way. He gawked at the scene perhaps fifty feet away where Barbara was indeed talking to the leader of the tour bus contingent. Xander promptly ran over there.

Unaware of who was coming at them, Barbara said stiffly, "I never thought I'd say this to any of you, but…thank you very much."

"Hey, there's no way we'd miss this!" grinned the leader. "The last riot with us that involved an entire town became a glorious legend at every house in the country, and now we'll be spoken of with awe just like—"

"I know exactly who you're going to name," Barbara sniffed, appearing as if she'd swallowed something vile. "I had to speak with them for the first time in nearly forty years in order to get you here!"

"Oh, the mere possibility of getting rid of Wilkins at last was another big reason for us showing up," the leader informed Mrs. Kendall. "We've been trying for decades to get our fraternity added to the University of California Sunnydale campus, but he blocked us at every turn."

Barbara sarcastically mentioned, "I can't possibly imagine why. Who wouldn't want a bunch of young guys living nearby that get falling-down drunk every Friday night, chase everything in a dress, obnoxiously jeer at the authorities all the time, and otherwise behave like animals?"

The leader gave a solemn nod. "Yeah, that's the big question."

A panting Xander skidded to a stop in front of the mature woman and younger man. "Mrs. Kendall! Why are you here? Is Harmony okay?"

Barbara reassured Xander, "The last time I called Melody, she's still in labor and doing well. Me being here was a condition of getting you help. Um, there was something else, too—"

"Is this the guy?" broke in the tour bus leader.

"Yes," sighed Barbara.

"Great!" The leader reached out to fist-bump Xander against his shoulder. "I saw you fighting and holding your own against the demons. You shouldn't have any trouble with the pledge initiation."

"What?"

Now looking as if she really wanted to spit nails, Barbara told Xander after his baffled interjection, "I'll pay for your college education at USC, a full four-year ride with your friends. However, it requires you to apply to and be accepted at that campus' newest fraternity which I'm unfortunately sure will be there next fall. It's called…Delta House," she finished with genuine loathing.

Now having the widest grin ever, the Los Angeles Delta Tau Chi president snickered at Mrs. Kendall, "Well, one last thing before we leave. I can now tell Brothers Bluto, Pinto, Otter, and the rest that even close to forty years after the Faber riot, you'd still look great wearing nothing but pearls, white gloves, a bra, panties, garter belt, and stockings."

Turning away from where Barbara was glaring at him, the Delta president shouted at the nearest bus, "Okay, is everybody ready?"

From an open bus window came a chorus of sozzled "Yeah!" along with a hurled empty beer can which bounced off a dissolving piece of charred demonic flesh from a dead mayor lying on the school lawn.

Getting on board, the president and the rest of the Deltas then drove off, with every bus horn playing "La Cucaracha" at eardrum-rupturing volume.

Xander glanced at Mrs. Kendall, who merely shook her head. "Long story. I'll tell you later-"

There was a buzz from the mature woman's purse. Quickly removing her cell phone, Barbara lifted this to her ear and listened. A slow smile broke upon the lady's face, and she then informed Xander Harris, "Congratulations! You're the father of a beautiful baby girl, and her mother's just fine, too."

Crumpling to his knees onto the ground, Xander was promptly surrounded by the Scooby Gang who'd now gathered to listen to everything, with assorted hugs and pats given to the dazed young man.

Willow eventually turned to the older woman there and smiling at her, this red-haired girl began, "Mrs. Kendall—"

"Oh, no," a former Faber sorority member whose full name was Barbara Sue Jansen Kendall shook her head. "You're all family now. Call me Babs."

Author's Note: Yes, it's an Animal House crossover.