"Ah, the scent of bitter enemies," happily said the stranger dressed in a gray pinstripe suit, inhaling deeply right after that odd statement as if he was savoring his most favorite aroma.

Frozen in their standing positions facing each other, Xander Harris and Angelus the vampire stared at each other in mutual bewilderment until they caught themselves doing this.

Their baffled expressions immediately changed into angry scowls toward each other which also included the unknown person who'd just magicked these two adversaries into the Crawford Street mansion's basement mere seconds ago.

Angelus began a snarled, "Listen, you—"

This vampire had surely been about to utter some sort of bloodthirsty threat to the stranger expressing a vehement demand to free this petrified demon or else, except a casual handwave of the black man in his modified Edwardian suit instantly made a heavy metal gag appear over Angelus' mouth. Cut off in mid-outburst, Angelus was reduced to muffled growls through the smothering gag and an even more furious face than before.

Waggling a warning finger at the vampire trying and failing to bite through the gag, the stranger turned to Xander with a beaming smile on his own dark countenance.

He said to this astonished teenager, "Congratulations, Mr. Harris! You've just gained your very own boon!"

Even though every single muscle below his chin felt like they were locked solid, Xander still managed an incredulous, "Huh?!"

"Yes, indeed," the stranger cheerfully nodded. "It used to be three wishes, but times change. Anyway, as a reward for all your actions in helping the Slayer and your friends the last couple of years, several interested parties from the higher planes got together and arranged for you to be granted a single boon, albeit with a certain catch."

By now, Xander had been rendered speechless though from his slack-jawed aspect a befuddled gurgle indicated he still could use a little more information.

"The boon is that anything you want, you'll get. Money? Enter the next state lottery, and whatever numbers you pick, they'll win. Or, I'll just fill up the whole basement with gold bars, if you like. In any case, you'll be totally rich beyond any dreams of avarice. If you're more interested in something else, like…oh…having the most beautiful woman in the world fall madly in love with you, that's doable, too. Hollywood movie stars, supermodels, this year's Miss America winner: pick any of them, and it's wedding bells time!"

Enthusiastically grinning at a flabbergasted Xander, the stranger continued just as heartily, "Why stop there, though? I said anything, and I mean anything. You've gone through some previous experiences here with having superhuman powers, only to lose them later on. Well, guess what? I can make that permanent. Want to be Superman? Spider-Man? Any other comic book hero? Just say the word, Mr. Harris!"

Xander stared in disbelief at the black guy snapping his fingers once to demonstrate how easy it'd be. A sudden suspicion crossed this Scooby Gang member's mind when he recollected a certain tossed-off phrase mere moments ago.

"Hold it…what you just said, there's a catch about the boon, right?" Xander warily ventured.

The black guy pointed an admiring finger at Xander, who would've flinched away from this if it hadn't been for the whole paralysis thing. Regardless, he heard from Mr. Suit, "Glad to hear you were paying attention, young man."

The pointing finger then moved to the vertical position to signal the ensuing announcement: "The catch is three simple words, which are: the same, doubled."

Directly after coming out with that mystifying answer, the black guy slowly aimed his finger at the last of their company, who blinked in silent surprise.

Angelus's confusion was only slightly alleviated by hearing that man in his formal suit genially explain, "Or to put it more fully, whatever Mr. Harris requests, you also receive it…twice over. He picks wealth? You get twofold the amount. A loving woman? Two women for you, Angelus. This definitely includes whatever super-powers the boy asks for—"

"WHAT THE HELL KIND OF BOON IS THAT?" yelled Xander, who if he could move, would've been hopping mad.

From how high the vampire's eyebrows were now, a gagged Angelus for once had to agree with the whelp.

The unnamed black guy shrugged, and next gave a significant glance at the basement floor. "Funny thing, you know, using the h-word. Let's just say someone else from an entirely different plane got involved and insisted on inserting his own clause to the boon. Since you've brought it up, Mr. Harris, I have to warn you the catch works both ways, too, with the ensuing consequences. Think of it as a Sunnydale special."

Xander grouchily demanded, "What's that involve?"

Another shrug was done by the black guy, along with, "Well, for example, your boon might be simply to escape from here safe and sound. Fine, I'll take you wherever you want."

A nod of this speaker's head was then made toward Angelus. "But he comes with us, and if your choice is somewhere out in the sunlight — Death Valley, say — when that vampire turns into ashes, so do you. And it'll hurt just as much."

Xander turned pale at this horrifying news. He blurted, "You mean, anything I try to beat up Captain Forehead, even if it works on him, it'll rebound back to me?"

"Absolutely."

His thoughts racing, Xander seized on the first thing which came to mind. "Why should I use the boon in the first place? What happens if I don't?"

The black guy casually examined his fingernails. Without looking up, he said, "I leave, and the both of you stay here. You get to move again, too."

Xander's appalled gaze couldn't help shifting from the black guy's direction to where Angelus was standing motionless. Judging from how his facial muscles had abruptly moved up, the vampire was presently grinning nastily behind his gag.

The high-schooler looked back at a throat being cleared. He further saw the abrupt appearance of a large, old-fashioned wooden hourglass floating in the air at around head height in the mansion's basement. Xander then heard, "You're going to have to make your decision now, Mr. Harris. When the sand in that hourglass stops falling, I need to hear from you what boon you want, if you actually do. Until that occurs, you can ask and I'll answer any questions you might have. All right, here we go!"

Sand started to trickle from the upper hourglass globe through the narrow middle part to drop onto the lower globe. Xander worriedly eyed the amount of sand left and estimated he had perhaps a couple minutes at the most. Gritting his teeth, the teenager tried to come up with a way out of this that'd save his skin.

…Crap.

C'mon, c'mon, brain, work!

Can't pick anything good for me that Broodster won't get two times, too. What does that leave? Aaarrgghhh!

Hey, what if it's not me…

Xander said hurriedly before even more sand fell in the hourglass, "What if I ask for Buffy to show up here, ready and willing to kick Angelus's ass?"

"If that's what you want," the black guy responded, only to dash Xander's surging hopes with a cautionary, "But Angelus will just as quickly get two people of his own choice—"

From behind his gag, the Irish vampire grunted an interrupting, "Duh! Duh!"

This was glumly translated by Xander as Drusilla and maybe Darla, too, at the very least. Hoo, boy. From the confident way the black guy talked, he wouldn't have any trouble bringing back that last vamp even though she'd been dusted by Angel way years ago. In any case, Buffy would for sure have her hands full with all three of them at the same time, with no guarantee she'd win. Especially since the Slayer probably wouldn't have her heart really into the job of taking out Angelus.

Xander sourly reflected that even after the Judge and other recent events, the Buffster still hoped her snuggly-wuggly Angelkins would return from wherever he'd disappeared when the whole stinking disaster of 'one moment of pure happiness' went down—

Oh, no. Not that, Xander mentally groaned.

Hating himself for even broaching the subject, Xander nonetheless tried, "Can I put Angel's soul back in his body?"

Angelus's eyes abruptly widened in shock, particularly at the stranger's answer:

"Certainly. However, you won't care at all for the boon's clause after-effects which have to do with the ejected demon then taking over your body, Mr. Harris."

Choking at the very idea of becoming a vampire, Xander finally howled in protest, "That's not fair!"

The black guy sent a mildly unsympathetic look Xander's way. "It is what it is, young man."

A quick glance was made of the hourglass now nearly empty of its upper globe.

"Time's almost up, Mr. Harris."

"Nggggg," grumbled Xander to himself. He concentrated his utmost, attempting to quickly devise a workable scheme of any kind that'd seriously screw over Angelus. Surviving it would be nice, too.

Alas, he was having no luck at all in this, same as when Jesse and him had been idly shooting the breeze when they were kids. They'd confided in each other their fondest dreams, however impossible these might be—

Wait a minute. It can't be that simple, can it?

Xander saw the very last grains of sand trickling away. He hastily spoke up, "One more question!"

At the black guy's accepting nod, Xander inquired, "If I do something to me that won't last, does fangface over there get through it too?"

That earned him a puzzled frown bestowed upon Xander, along with, "Could you be a bit more specific, Mr. Harris?"

This time, Xander would've shrugged if he'd been free to do so. He still pulled off a genuine tone of innocence in his voice with, "Oh, I'm thinking about what our not-favorite vamp deserves most of all, and one of them is showing how much we're totally unimpressed with him. Like, I dunno, asking for something really petty like a hangnail just to give him two of those."

For the first time they'd been in the basement, the black guy actually gawked at Xander Harris. He soon recovered, though.

"Well, yes, I suppose you could do that. May I also say it shows a definitely unwarranted sense of optimism—"

"Great!" a smirking Xander broke in. "This is what I want for my boon."

Things were decidedly tense in the school library. All of them there had assembled in shared concern about their missing friend Xander who hadn't shown up for classes today. Neither had anyone been able to find him anywhere else, and they'd searched high and low.

In one corner, Cordelia Chase was coldly regarding Buffy herself at the main library table doing a moody sharpening of her favorite sword from the weapons chest. The Slayer was apparently concentrating at this and ignorant of Cordelia's hard, even stare, even though the other room occupants had fallen silent and were nervously awaiting some kind of emotional explosion between the two girls.

Indeed, this soon occurred when Buffy snapped her head around to gaze directly at Cordelia, making Willow, Jenny Calendar, and Giles jump slightly. Even Oz allowed his right eyebrow to ascend a little bit in response.

They all heard Buffy's curt, "What's your problem?" towards Cordelia.

"My problem?" snottily replied Queen C. "Well, I've got an absent boyfriend in a town that has a pissed-off master vampire lurking around who'd dearly love to murder any of us. This same vamp's the one you let run away at the mall when the Judge got blown up!"

Buffy had a swift look of guilt and shame flash over her face, only to begin defensively, "I couldn't destroy him in front of all those shoppers—"

"Don't lie to me, Summers," Cordelia hissed. "You still want Angel back, no matter how many people Angelus kills in the meantime!"

The icy glare from Cordelia linked the two girls disregarding the other dismayed library bystanders, who then heard from Miss Chase: "This is the only warning you'll get. If Xander's hurt, that damn monster's dust, no matter how you feel about it! You get in the way, I'll be more than happy to bring you down, too!"

An outraged Buffy was about to respond just as spitefully, except that the phone on Giles' desk rang. Picking it up, this Englishman heard from there the very familiar young male voice he'd been praying to once more experience again, even if it came with a deeply loathed nickname.

"Hey, G-man!"

The entire room saw Rupert Giles' face abruptly light up in distinct relief. A quick push against one of the phone console buttons had this instrument turn into the speakerphone option, so everyone heard their friend wheezingly say, "Can you come…get me? I'm at the…Crawford Street house—"

Buffy gladly shouted from her seat, "I already checked that place! Where were you?!"

"Oh, hiya, Buffy," Xander panted in exhaustion. In between fighting for breath every few words, he went on, "Funny story about…the whole thing. I'll tell you it all later…but I need a ride. I'm in the…front room which is…as far as I got."

"Are you okay, doofus?" Cordelia worriedly demanded. "You sound like you just ran a marathon!"

"Feels like it…too. Can you guys just…come here? I'll wait…for you on the couch."

Speaking crisply into the phone, Giles assured Xander, "We'll be there as soon as possible. Stay out in the sunlight as a precaution against Angelus showing up—"

"Yeah…no problem…about that. He's in the…basement."

The entire library exploded in a shocked commotion of the occupants shouting assorted versions of "WHAT?!"

"Really…funny story. See you. 'Bye."

With a click, the conversation ended from Xander's side, leaving Giles gaping at the phone in his hand. He looked wildly around the library, receiving matching stunned expressions from the others.

Oz reluctantly brought up the subject which nobody else seemed to want to mention at that point: "Trap?"

Giles hesitated, glancing towards the nearest window at the California sunny day outside. "It's too soon for Xander to have been turned…but he didn't sound at all like his usual self, I must admit."

"Doesn't matter," declared Cordelia, who'd gotten up on her feet, glaring at them. "I'm going, even if nobody else is!"

"Yeah!" pluckily agreed Willow, also arising from her library chair and bringing Oz along with her. "Count us in!"

Giles closed his eyes in brief frustration, only to open them at the sudden clatter of metal coming from the weapons cage. He watched his Slayer hauling out the spare crossbows stored there and hand these to the younger generation lining up to collect them. Sighing, Giles got up from the librarian's desk, collecting his car keys from a drawer along the way.

Shortly afterwards, an elderly car rolled to a slow stop in front of a run-down Sunnydale mansion. In an absurd scene resembling the combination of several clowns squeezing themselves out one by one from a tiny vehicle which couldn't possibly hold them all and a WWII infantry squad hitting the beach, the Scooby Gang managed to extricate everyone from Giles' classic Citroen without giving each other a friendly stab or a fired crossbow bolt up the nose.

Holding their armament ready, the small group on the sidewalk watched Buffy heedlessly run up to the house's front door and kick it open with a loud crash. Instead of rushing into the mansion, however, the Slayer stopped short on the threshold, staring in sheer astonishment at something inside hidden from view by the rest of the gang.

These people hurried forward themselves at hearing from the open front door in a weak yet sarcastic voice, "Let me…guess. You came in…the Gilesmobile…which is why…I had time to…take a long nap."

Also halting just behind an unmoving Buffy, Giles, Jenny, Oz, Willow, and Cordelia looked over the Slayer's shoulders. They, too, were so taken aback by what they were seeing in the mansion's foyer that nobody could do anything but stare in mutual stupefaction at Xander Harris sprawled out onto one of the room's antique couches covered with a dust sheet and with its legs already beginning to crack under the strain.

A very wry grin upon his changed face, Xander wasn't all that surprised by Buffy unthinkingly blurting out, "What happened to you, Xan?!"

Lifting with some effort an arm, Xander pointed this at one of the foyer's side doors. "You wanna…see something even…weirder, check out Angelus…in the basement, Buffy."

Once again rushing into potential danger, Buffy drew out from under her jacket one of her stakes. Holding it ready, she sprinted towards the indicated door and smashed entirely through this without any trouble. Further crashes heard next by the Scoobies showed Buffy was dealing the same way with the other doors leading downstairs, allowing them all to easily hear what next occurred in the basement.

First came Buffy's exceedingly disgusted shriek of "UUUUGGGHHH!" at the top of her lungs.

This was immediately followed by a man's pleading voice for which none of the humans were able of distinguishing the exact words, until that was abruptly cut off by a quite familiar noise that still seemed oddly different than usual.

By now, Giles and the rest were more than accustomed to the particular sound of a stake stabbing with superhuman strength through a vampire's chest, resembling the auditory merger of a sheet of paper being briskly torn apart and a blunt instrument clubbing a fleshy target. This latest example, as said before, was completely singular, though.

It squelched.

Directly after that came to the fascinated ears of the Scoobies, a distinct "whump", soon followed by a sizable billow of an ash cloud from the opening to the basement below. Through this remnant of a vampire's extinction stalked Buffy a few moments later. Looking straight ahead with tear tracks cutting through the thick dust covering both her set face and the Slayer's whole body, Miss Summers announced to no one in particular, "I'm going home. Leave me alone for a while."

The startled group parted to let Buffy pass, staring after her until this saddened young woman went out of sight.

Even so, Xander waited until he was absolutely sure there was no way a set of feminine ears with heightened hearing could catch him gleefully gasping, "Looks like…'twoo wuv' couldn't stand…that."

The group's gaze returned in unison at the couch where a teenager who only this morning was in fairly good physical shape but now resembled nothing less than the corpulent Michelin Man smirked back at them. Every discernible part of Xander Harris — head, limbs, and torso — currently bulged obesely with swollen fat under his skin. Even his eyelids drooped from the excessive weight therein.

Cordelia said with utter menace in her tone, "What. Did. You. Do."

Recognizing the serious peril he was in from his furious girlfriend, Xander offered Cordelia a feeble grin from his plump lips, only to hastily become more serious at her deadly expression. "I decided on…the boon some weird guy…offered me today."

Rupert Giles took off his glasses and began polishing these with a handkerchief. It appeared that the Hellmouth was having yet again another enthusiastic go at young Mr. Harris, just like the past Halloween. Or the Hyena incident. Or, oh, about every other week in Sunnydale. This latest such incident, though, appeared to be much more ludicrous than normal, which they were sure to be told at great length by Xander.

That soon proved to be correct, when this same boy finally got to the end of his tale. "…so, I picked what…I'd always wanted…to do, and he magicked them…out of thin air. Still got to say…totally worth it…even with the…outcome."

Willow continued to rub her temples with her fingertips as she'd been doing for the last several minutes.

She muttered past her pounding headache and Oz caressing her back, "I think we were just eight years old then! You really remembered telling Jesse and me that you wanted to eat your entire weight in Twinkies?!"

Xander jovially patted his protruding stomach which had burst open his pants waistband. "Best part…was watching Angelus…forced to chow down…his own batch. Ballooned up…twice as fast…than me, too...when that guy...did his mojo...to us."

He grinned viciously at everyone there. "Don't worry…not gonna mock Buffy…but seeing a…six-hundred-pound…vampire beach ball…made my day."

Cordelia sighed and traded an exasperated glance with Jenny. She turned back to Xander, "Okay, you've had your fun, but you do know that for the next couple of months you're going to be on a strict diet and exercise regimen? I'm not having a fatty for my boyfriend!"

Knowing he had no recourse, Xander amiably nodded. He cleared his throat for a sheepish admission, "Uh, might need…a little help…getting up. I barely made…it out of…the basement…before calling you."

An imperious wave of Cordelia's hand urged forward a truly adverse Giles and Oz who nevertheless did as commanded.

Still, as they stood before Xander in preparation for heaving up together that teenager who now had to be well over twenty stone in avoirdupois, Giles muttered to him under his breath, "If I put out my back doing this, you're going to seriously owe me, you bloody biffa."

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and Robert Sheckley characters are the property of their rightful owners.

Author's Note: Yes, it's an unabashed rip-off of that science fiction/fantasy author's story 'The Same To You Doubled'. You can read it yourself online.