Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and Buck Godot: Zap Gun For Hire characters are the property of their rightful owners.

Just before I was about to step inside that strange portal, I decided to check one more time.

"I'm still getting paid for this, right?"

"Yes, Mr. Godot. The fee for a successful conclusion to your latest mission covers your regular rate, all submitted expenses, and a quite sizable remuneration for agreeing to depart at once in your search. However, should you fail, not only shall you forfeit any payment, but your entire species will undoubtedly be wiped out from existence and the rest of the Gallimaufry will descend into utter chaos."

"So, no pressure then," I cheerfully told the Law Machine hovering by the glowing vertical disk in one of New Hong Kong's seedier alleys.

Instead of replying to that, the airborne metallic globe just gestured emphatically with one of its arms at the portal.

Shrugging, I stepped forward and then right into that gateway to a different dimension. Except it wasn't just another reality; from what few scraps of information the Law Machine had managed to learn, I'd be visiting the counterpart of a place from out of bona fide legend.

Earth.

Not Fresh, Just-as-Good, Special, or any of the supplementary additions to their homeworlds' title us humans had given to these planets. The original itself, the one stupidly ruined in the Final War centuries ago that led to only a few thousand survivors out of billions, huddling together in the Antarctica bases and waiting for death.

Instead, we'd been rescued by the interstellar coalition which the Law Machine had earlier named, and never looked back since. Gratefully increasing our numbers to fill up dozens of new colony worlds, it'd soon occurred to us that the quantity of places where we could comfortably live were finite even with terraforming these…but not if humans genetically altered themselves to fit the more marginal planets.

I'm one myself, a Hoffmanite. The ol' dirtball's way heavier than most of the other human worlds, so my ancestors did some serious DNA tinkering to strengthen their descendants' bones and the rest of our bodies against the increased gravity and the definitely bellicose wildlife. It wound up with us appearing to the offworlders as a lot more rotund than normal for them, but don't ever call us fat. It's all muscle, as is usually shown and loudly explained to some discourteous idiot right in their face while effortlessly holding them off the ground by the neck with one hand.

Apart from that, though, I look pretty much like basic humans which was partially why I'd been hired for the retrieval job. It was going to be difficult enough already, going to someplace from ancient history where I didn't know the local language or customs. No need to make things much harder by spectacularly standing out from the natives, like some other people I knew in New Hong Kong.

All that flashed through my mind, just as quickly as appearing in…another alley? I looked behind myself to see the portal glowing in the alley's darkness, waiting for me to go back with my prize when I was done. Nice to know, but first I had to find it.

Reaching into my shirt pocket, I pulled from out of there the little gadget the Law Machine had given me once I'd agreed to the job. It was a clear cube the size of the end of my little finger. As instructed, I pressed once inward the sides of the cube with my thumb and forefinger.

A tiny spark flickered into life inside the middle of the cube. Sweeping the cube horizontally caused this spark to start flashing on and off when the cube was pointing towards a certain direction. Of course, that direction was through some old-style building presently standing in the way. No doubt a historian specializing in antiquated Terran architecture would've gone into ecstatic delight at seeing first-hand such a fine example of this, but all I wanted myself was to get past the damn thing.

Walking out of the alley into the street beyond, I checked the direction again. Thankfully, the flashing spark pointed down that street. Taking the sidewalk in this direction to the end of the block caused the spark to definitely grow a bit bigger. Great! Now that I knew the cube was working as promised, I followed where it was leading me…through one really old-fashioned city well past sunset.

All the structures lining the street and the personal vehicles parked along this avenue illuminated by roadside lamps looked from straight out of the history vids. What there wasn't though, oddly enough, were any people.

Nope, completely deserted. After a few more blocks, it got to be kind of spooky. Where was everybody? Yeah, sure, obviously most of 'em would be sound asleep tucked peacefully in their beds, but shouldn't there be at least one or two folks around here working late tonight? Or, you know, going for an evening stroll like me because they're suffering from insomnia? I really hoped it wasn't due to a curfew declared by the authorities or some religious holiday, because if that was indeed the case and I was seen out on the street by somebody, I might be in big trouble when they called it in.

A couple blocks further on, the buildings gradually changed from business types into residential homes. Checking the cube once more, I saw the centered spark was now well over twice its initial size. That cheered me up even while it became much more unnerving at every step over how I seemed to be the only person alive in the whole place.

Maybe it was for the best, I soon decided. There was really no reason for me to interact with the natives any more than necessary. The way my luck went at this sort of thing, it'd just turn out to be a complete disaster—

"Haaahhya."

At the location where I'd been walking past a small city park, some guy stepped out from behind a park bush onto the sidewalk and greeted me. I stopped short to stare at my first ever olden human being. He gave me the impression as did all the other basic humans do nowadays, somebody really spindly and frail compared to myself.

Looking past me, the stranger smirked. I glanced over my shoulder to see another guy, just as skinny and casually coming up on me from behind. Turning back to the first guy still giving me a nasty grin, he pointed at the cube I was still holding, snapping his fingers and incomprehensibly saying, "Giiifffyem dhat, ahhhzzzyoull!"

Wonderful. Not only was I getting mugged, I couldn't understand a damn word. To hell with this. Slowly shaking my head, I put the cube back into my pocket.

That didn't go over too well with the first guy. He growled an obvious order at the other guy now almost breathing down my neck…though he wasn't really doing that, come to think of it—

Faster than I expected, my right arm was grabbed and pulled back, just as was done with my left, with both wrists now held in a tight grip. I simply stood there without resisting, astonished. Unlike any other basic human I'd ever encountered, my assailant was nearly as strong as a teenage Hoffmanite.

My amazement only continued when the first guy leered at me while next transforming his face into one really bizarre lumpy visage which included gleaming yellow eyes and actual fangs. He then jumped right at me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and finishing off this lunge with a quite good try at sinking these fangs directly into my jugular vein.

Apparently, neither of those morons had the least idea of my own bodily attributes compared to this planet's normal inhabitants such as a far vaster muscle density and skin tougher than neo-croc leather. Mr. Bitey's education got started with his fangs instantly shattering into a multitude of bone splinters.

Reeling back several steps with an agonized scream of pain and a swift grab at a now-toothless mouth, it was that guy's turn to stand stupefied when I tore loose my left arm and grabbed his partner's own right wrist in an unbreakable grip with my right hand. Picking him entirely off his feet with a grand upwards swing that went in nearly a complete circle, I let go at the proper perpendicular moment which sent that unfortunate individual zooming unswervingly through the air with perfect aim at the other guy.

The tremendous collision propelled both of them into the nearest bush, spraying denuded leaves everywhere while they then tumbled away. I mentally congratulated myself with more than a hint of smugness over not killing them, but rather vehemently expressing my wish to be left alone—

Popping up from behind another bush in preparation for another and much more vicious attack in concert, those two guys looked completely unhurt and really mad now.

Huh. Well, it'd been a pretty long time since I was in a decent fight, anyway.

Alas, this was not to be. Just when they were about to charge, one of the muggers froze, whimpering with genuine fear and pointing with a shaking finger at somewhere to my left, out of sight. The other mugger's mouth with its fangs regrown dropped open in matching terror.

Suddenly feeling worried about how they were acting, I sent a rapid, cautious glance over at the middle of the street. Except, the night got right then and there a whole lot weirder.

Standing with a scorching glare at us all was a tiny human female. Even for this world, she looked as delicate as a Trythian glassflower, blonde hair and all.

So, why did the two muggers promptly perform identical horrified shrieks, to next spin around in unison and take to their heels, running off with incredible speed?

Just as incredible was how that girl dashed just as quickly after, turning her head while she passed me to bark out some sort of perplexing order which I didn't understand either. She soon disappeared from view in the park's gloom, leaving me gaping at where everyone had gone.

I finally shrugged in sheer bafflement. Whatever else, I had a job to do, and that took precedence. Pulling out the cube again, I set off to where it was directing me.

It didn't take too long to reach my goal. The flashing spark was now completely filling the cube when I stopped in front of one of the two-story houses lining the block. There was a lit curtained front window on the lower floor, indicating someone was awake inside despite the late hour. Putting away the cube, I went up the walkway and somewhat uncertainly regarded the front door.

I really didn't have any actual plan for what to do next. Realizing this, I eventually decided to just wing it, same as I usually do in most of my cases. Hey, it works.

I leaned forward, giving the door a careful series of knocks. Years of experience with offworld flimsy objects compared to good Hoffmanite workmanship allowed me not to smash through the door, though it still shuddered at every rap. A few moments after I stopped, the door was flung open to reveal another basic human girl who for some reason was brandishing at me a little wooden item composed of two intersecting sticks.

Even so, this wasn't the strangest part. No, what turned things into utter farce was the diminutive entity perched upon that girl's shoulder and giving me a truly foolish grin.

"Hi!" chirped the Winslow.

As the old joke goes, I don't have a drinking problem. What I have is a problem with not drinking. But if I ever need a honest reason to constantly knock back an unending series of ion suckers before permanently passing out, it has to do with the sad fact most of the galaxy is obsessively devoted to worshipping a short fuzzy green lizard.

It doesn't make things any better that I know from personal experience the Winslow is dumber than an extendable ladder. Maybe…

It must be confessed there are several very impressive things about it. For one, it's immortal. Two, it's invulnerable. Three, everybody else thinks it's damn important.

Not humanity, though. Because of that, we were given the responsibility a while back to look after it by the Prime Movers, for which we shall someday make them totally pay for this.

Anyhow, when the Winslow managed to wander off from the main Slag-Blah temple complex through the portal it'd found, New Hong Kong's Law Machine hastily hired me to find it before thousands of star systems went berserk and eradicated our species down to the last infant. Couldn't argue with that, so after tripling my usual fee, I went looking.

"Hi! Hi! Hi!"

At least it seemed fine. Imbecilic as always, but fine. Now, how do I convince that girl suspiciously eyeing me to hand it over—

"Ahham."

I slowly turned around at that cleared throat from behind. Looking up at me from the house walkway was the blonde from the park nonchalantly twirling in one hand another, longer stick with a pointy end and bestowing towards me the deadliest stare I'd ever received in a tumultuous life.

Without any question, unless Ma Godot's little boy behaved himself, that stick and I were going to become very painfully acquainted. Most likely in one of my various sensitive bodily orifices.

Carefully lifting a finger, I pointed this at the Winslow ("Hi!") and then myself, before gesturing towards the street. Please let her figure it out—

The blonde's pretty face brightened, and then she performed a firm nod only to be interrupted by a protesting howl from the other girl inside the house. Darting around my bulk, that younger brunette female confronted her likely relative, since they had a definite family resemblance among themselves.

It got fairly noisy then, with fervent argumentative outbursts being traded back and forth between the pair. Every few sentences had the Winslow happily contributing its own "Hi!".

I soon noticed the blonde was beginning to twitch and grip her stick more tightly just before the next regular lizard interjection.

Ah-hah… I did my own throat clearing then, which switched the girls' attention back to me. They also noticed what I was now holding in my hand, the holo-projector from my belt. Turning this on produced an image floating in the night air of a certain recorded scene some time ago at the Gallimaufry space station, with myself and the Winslow there. I was gazing down with evident amusement at the Winslow sunnily regarding me in turn from the table it was resting upon.

There was absolutely no doubt that we knew each other.

The blonde was certainly convinced. Using her stick as a pointer, she ordered her relative to hand over the Winslow to me. Giving the holo-image one last glum look right before I turned it off, the brunette girl reached up to lift the Winslow off her shoulder.

They stared each other in the eye for a moment or two, before the girl cuddled the Winslow to her face.

During this, the other two of us heard that green alligator warble a compassionate "Hiiiiiiii" to its former owner. This seemed to comfort the brunette enough so that she resolutely passed along to me the Winslow into my own arms with one final farewell pat onto the lizard's head.

After that, the blonde put a loving arm around her relative's shoulder and then they both stepped around me to enter their home. The door closed after them, and I was left on the walkway with the Winslow.

Who for once, didn't say "Hi!"

I quickly made my way back to the portal without any further encounters of this Earth's denizens. Just as stress-free was returning through this to New Hong Kong, where the Law Machine was waiting in the alley. A swift transfer got that intelligent robot the Winslow and me my credit chip, with the Law Machine immediately flying off towards the Slag-Blah complex carrying its precious weight now apparently back to its normally vacuous existence with multiple whoops of "Hi!" along the way.

I watched them go, fingering my credit chip. It'd been an interesting case, but now there were several dozen ion suckers destined for me at Asteroid Al's…