"You wonderful, wonderful young man!" crooned the mature woman to Xander Harris currently crushed face-first by her thankful embrace into this lady's truly impressive cleavage as revealed by her low-cut summer dress.
"Honey, give de kid a chance tuh breat', okay?", a very amused old guy with the thickest Brooklyn accent this side of Bugs Bunny suggested to his wife.
Looking down at the boy's head still firmly pressed against her chest and finally noticing how red his ears were getting, the woman let Xander go.
Taking a grateful gulp of fresh air for the first time in a full minute, Xander then received a smacking kiss on his forehead by the beaming mother, who next left their diner table to return to the women's restroom where her daughter was recovering with the aid of the Rat Pack's junior female contingent.
"Ain't she som'ting?" the old guy proudly told Xander seated next to him in their booth, giving him a jovial nudge in the ribs with a bony elbow clad in a black leather biker jacket to go with that comment.
Xander speechlessly nodded, hoping that'd work. It seemed to, since the old guy just grinned toothily until his lined face quickly changed into seriousness.
"Kid, yuh done good, savin' my little goil tonight. Dis is from me fawh dat!"
Without further ado, the old guy grabbed Xander by his neck, yanking him forward over the table. Held helpless, Xander next received two equally forceful kisses on both cheeks from that old guy.
When he was let go at last a moment later, Xander reeled back into his chair, stunned at this sudden outburst of affection.
Unthinkingly scrubbing at his face, Xander then heard from the old guy a satisfied declaration, "Eric Von Zipper adores yuh. And when Eric Von Zipper adores som'body, dey stay adored!"
"Right," Xander weakly responded. To think this all happened today just because he'd kicked his car…
"YOU STUPID PIECE OF JUNK!" yelled Xander at his ride pulled over off the lonely coastal side street at McGrath State Beach a few miles from Oxnard where it'd just decisively broken down and ruined for once and all any attempt for him to take the summer road trip the Sunnydale native had saved up for years.
Standing there to glare at the wreckage of his dreams, Xander couldn't help himself. He brought up his foot to give the nearest tire a vicious kick. A sneaker-clad foot vehemently met head-on Detroit rubber with the natural outcome doing nothing for Xander but giving him an aching big toe.
"Ow!" he yelped, hopping backwards, all while holding up off the ground that throbbing foot.
During this retreat, Xander then stubbed the heel of his other shoe against something, causing him to lose his balance and fall down hard upon his ass onto the sand, with this pratfall giving him even more entertaining agony.
As if this was a signal to the comedy gods themselves, Xander's car then presumably reacted to that irate kick from its latest owner. With abrupt cracking sounds, the vehicle's entire lower suspension shattered into splinters, making the car subside entirely onto the ground. This absurd collapse was accompanied by all of the four doors flying open and then somehow detaching to plop by the car's sides, like a quartet of discarded towels.
Frozen in his sitting position, Xander watched all that with widening eyes of sheer disbelief, including how his automobile's hubcabs then shot off the wheels. Fortunately, none of these metal disks flying off at dangerous speeds went anywhere near Xander, not that he was exactly appreciative of this at that point.
Particularly since Xander's attention was next caught by all of his car's windows disintegrating into glass shards spraying gaily everywhere. Protectively throwing up his arms over his head, Xander felt pieces of these bounce off him. When it seemed safe, he warily put down his arms and stared at his car now almost totally destroyed.
With a concluding plink! sound, the front left headlight detached itself and fell forward to hang there dangling onto the connecting electrical wire, starting to swing back and forth in the gentle Pacific Ocean breeze.
Brushing off clinging glass shards, Xander looked up at the cloudless blue sky.
"Why me? Why all the time?"
Wrapped in his sleeping bag, Xander deeply dozed in the small hollow he'd found earlier in the sand dunes running along the beach. That'd been after his vow not to let today's earlier vehicular catastrophe spoil his beach visit. Instead, he'd hauled out his luggage from that lousy car and just walked away from it, not even looking back. Maybe tomorrow he'd trudge into town and deal with the whole mess, but for now Xander was going to do nothing but enjoy himself.
About a hundred yard further on, Xander found the hollow and dropped his stuff there, changing into swim trunks. The state beach was completely deserted, which was just fine with Xander. He spent the remainder of the day swimming, bodysurfing, and just floating in the waves. At sunset, he returned to the hollow, where he washed himself off with fresh water from one of the plastic gallon bottles he'd brought along. Dressing in new jeans and t-shirt, Xander chowed down on the roast beef sandwiches purchased back in Oxnard on his way here.
Feeling much happier than before, Xander got into his sleeping bag. Gazing upward at the stars, he swiftly went into dreamland.
"AAAAHHHHH!"
That unexpected loud scream several hours later instantly woke up Xander. Frantically unzipping his sleeping bag and getting up onto his feet, Xander stared over the top of the sand dune beyond at where a terrorized young woman his age was running from her laughing pursuers.
In the moonlight, it was easy enough for Xander to see the familiar horrific visages of a pair of vampires having fun with their prey before they got tired of it and decided to drink that girl's blood down to the last delicious drop.
Dashing over to his duffle bag, Xander yanked out from there his own personal stake, brought along from Sunnydale just in case. Well, it was needed now, he grimly thought to himself.
Straightening up again, Xander peered over the sand dune. Yeah, almost there…
Just after the exhausted girl unknowingly ran past where Xander was waiting, the Sunnydale native burst out from there, sprinting directly at the nearest vamp. That fanged monster was taken completely by surprise at the unexpected arrival of this newcomer, though the vampire didn't have very long to wonder about this. Not when the other human smashed into his enemy in a headlong collision which sent them both tumbling onto the ground.
Recovering much faster than his startled foe, Xander took the opportunity to stab the vampire right in the chest with his stake. As usual, once the pointed wooden stick slipped right into that fiend's unbeating heart, the vampire dusted just like the ones at the Hellmouth.
A panting girl and the other vampire stared in mutual disbelief at someone who'd just taken out with extreme prejudice all by himself a supernatural horror. Xander scrambling back up onto his shoes knew he was still in trouble, though, what with that other bloodsucker clearly beginning to get pissed over his pal's ashy termination.
Yelling at the girl, "GET OUTTA HERE!", Xander didn't wait to see if she indeed done what she'd been told and took off. Instead, he braced himself for what was to come.
Sure enough, the remaining vampire did a full-bore rush of his own towards Xander, arms outstretched to rip and tear with those clawed hands. Close to a year and a half of experience with his hometown's homicidal night life and sparring with Buffy in their high school library meant Xander knew better than to even try to grapple with someone much stronger than him.
Rather, when the vamp got within grabbing distance, Xander dropped to all fours (with the stake still clutched in his right hand), and did a classic leg-sweep of the vamp. For once, it actually worked. The vamp went sailing over Xander's prone body and landed flat on his demonically craggy face, sliding along the sand.
Angrily spitting out the mouthful of sand currently crammed into there, the vampire felt a heavy weight land hard on his back. Instantly knowing what was about to be attempted, that vampire did a frantic sideways twist of his body at the same time a streak of pain slashed across his back where the point of a descending stake had just tried to end his unlife.
Rolling over and over, the vampire and the human intermixed with each other flailed away at their enemy for long seconds. It couldn't last, of course. Not when one of these combatants had four times the strength of the other.
Now lying defeated flat on his back with his stake gone and looking up at the monstrous countenance leering down at him, Xander still commenced a futile struggle through the roaring of his ears due to the strangling fingers locked around his throat.
Hold it, that roaring sound was coming nearer—
Snapping up his head to stare directly into the approaching motorcycle headlight now dazzling him, the vampire got rammed with extreme velocity that two-wheeled vehicle's front tire right into the kisser.
The collision's force tore free the fingers from Xander's throat at the same time this young man stared up at the motorcycle leaping completely over him lying on the ground.
A moment later, several more motorcycles sped past Xander coughing and rubbing at his throat. Their riders ruthlessly rode over in turn the vampire, pounding in succession that weakening monster until it could do nothing but feebly thrash on the sand. When they saw that, the motorcycle riders stopped to get off and gather around watchfully, with one of their company pulling out a stake of his own from biker leathers. This was used with casual expertise, leaving the beach unoccupied save by those riders…and Xander.
Now shakily getting up, Xander eyed the advancing people in their helmets and dark clothes with some trepidation. His disquiet was lessened somewhat by the guy in front holding up a small crucifix into Xander's direction.
When Xander didn't react adversely to that religious symbol, the helmet nodded in evident satisfaction. From under the helmet's rim, this guy announced to the others, "Yeah, he's gotta be the one she told us about."
Hearing this, the rest of the riders visibly relaxed and dispersed to collect their bikes, getting back on and restarting the engines with loud rumbles.
Xander was now addressed in turn over the noise by the apparent leader of the pack, "Alright, fella. The Old Man's gonna want to see you. C'mon, let's haul ass."
That last sentenced was finished by a wave of that guy's hand in the direction of his own personal ride, left alone by the other bikers now roaring off past the two men.
"Uh…" In his befuddled thoughts, Xander had a rather reasonable objection crowd itself to be expressed first. "I've never been on a motorcycle before in my whole life."
That took aback somewhat the other guy, who then wryly shrugged. "Fine. Just hold on to me and don't move around too much."
About a minute later, their motorcycle was speeding down the state beach's main road. Seated on the rear seat, a terrified Xander squinted through the incredible wind blast hitting his teary eyes, until he buried his face against the back of leather jacket of the guy he was holding onto with anxious tenacity, both arms clinched around their waist.
Up this close, Xander could easily see through the merest crack of his eyelids the biker club insignia emblemed on the jacket: RATS
Soon afterwards (but far too long for a fervently praying Xander), the motorcycle and its escort pulled up to a beach diner done in a classic tiki-hut style, down to the thatched palm leaves outlining the unlit main sign welcoming new customers to 'Frankie's'.
Getting off, the motorcycle driver waited patiently for Xander to do the same, only in a much stiffer manner. He was then taken past a dozen other motorcycles lined up in front into the diner's main room.
There, Xander blinked at being the sudden center of attention from a room filled with people mainly in their leathers. The only persons there not clad in motorcycle gear were him…and one really stacked lady in a low-cut dress coming out of the women's restroom—
"You!"
Xander flinched at that abrupt indebted exclamation done by that lady. He watched in growing bewilderment at her striding towards him, arms open wide in welcome. Right afterwards, Xander was engulfed in the most persistent embrace of his life, complemented by his face tightly pressed up against a pair of female breasts which were worthy of awed worship by entire civilizations.
Dimly aware of being dragged over to a nearby diner booth and taking a seat there, Xander was in fact all too more mindful of the growing lack of oxygen in the clutches of the zaftig woman still hugging him…
Luxuriating in his airway working again, Xander glanced around the diner. Trying to come up with a safe topic of conversation with Mr. Von Zipper (really?), he tried, "Um, is this your place?"
"Yup," the old guy in his biker threads replied cheerfully. "Mine and Annette's."
He then pointed at the large black-and-white photograph framed in the wall opposite. "And it's all 'cawze of dat bum!"
Xander blinked at the photo. It showed a guy maybe only a couple years older than the Sunnydale high school graduate, bare-chested in bathing trunks and pridefully posing outdoors in front of a surfboard vertically planted in the sand with the ocean as a background.
He looked back at where Mr. Von Zipper was glowering at the picture. "Friend of yours?"
In a swift change of mood, the old guy guffawed, "Yuh gotta be kiddin'! We hated each awthuh, me an' him, see, up tuh when he kicked de bucket!"
"Oh." Xander paused, before risking, "How'd he, er, die?"
"Freak ukulele accident," Mr. Von Zipper answered without batting an eye.
"What?!"
Mr. Von Zipper waved aside Xander's mystified response with, "Long story. Anyway, it really started when I went tuh where it happened fawh a good, long gloat, but Annette was awready dere cryin' huh heart out. Yuh wit' me? Well, even fawh me, dere's limits, so I acted real nice tuh huh then 'cept she thought I showed up dere tuh pay my respects tuh Frankie!"
The old man reminiscently shook his head. "T'ings got weirduh when she invited me and my gang tuh Frankie's funeral and de recepshun. Couldn't do anythin' but accept, so I told 'em tuh behave or else. Right? We got some serious stink-eye from Frankie's friends at de funeral, but nuttin' mawh. De recepshun, though, I thought a rumble was gonna start right off when Frankie's best pal Bonehead started callin' alla us a buncha dopes, like he was one tuh tawhk."
At that point, Xander was truly engrossed in Mr. Von Zipper's tale, as he continued. "Annette looked like she was gonna start cryin' again, so I did de only t'ing I could t'ink of. Ya' dig? I totally agreed wit' Bonehead, den I went on tawhkin' 'bout how Frankie outsmarted us lotsa times. Dem surf bums, dey couldn't believe it, but dey all saw how Annette was so happy 'bout dat, so t'ings cooled down between us. Yuh got me so fahr? Afterwards, Annette came ovuh tuh thank me and gave me a nice hug."
Mr. Von Zipper smirked at Xander. "Yuh know what dat's like now, huh?"
At Xander's suddenly sheepish face, the old man cackled and went on. "Dat's pretty much how it happened. I went on seein' Annette and when t'ings got serious, I pulled my head outta my ass, see? Kept on leadin' de Rat Pack, but we stopped bein' troublemakers and grew up. Me and huh got married, so did some of de othuh Rats and Mice wit' de surf bums. It wound up wit' us openin' dis dinuh dat Annette insisted callin' aftuh huh old boyfriend. Wuzn't too thrilled by dat, but if it made huh happy, it was wawhth it. Now our family runs de place, includin' our youngest daughter which yuh saved tonight."
Xander stiffened at how Mr. Von Zipper now steadily eyed the younger man. He then heard from the biker leader, "'Bout dat…yuh took on yuh lonesome two damn vampires, yuh stupid kid! How de hell did yuh know 'bout dose creeps in de first place or how to put 'em down?"
Uh-oh. He knew this was gonna come up sooner or later, so the only thing Xander could do was to tell the truth.
"I'm from Sunnydale—"
Mr. Von Zipper held up an interrupting hand. "Nevuh mind. Me and de Rat Pack, we learned 'bout dat crazy town and de othuh magic stuff a long time ago when visitin' a real haunted house. It took us a while, but we learned how tuh permanently deal wit' any stray vampires who come here instead."
He squinted with sudden suspicion at a flabbergasted Xander. "Did yuh have anyt'ing to do with dem showin' up in de first place?"
"No!" Xander fervently denied. He insisted, "It's all a complete coincidence! I was just starting on my road trip when my car broke down at the beach toni— yesterday, I guess. I decided to camp out there until getting a tow truck and then finding some job to pay for a new car or a ride back home."
"Awright," Mr. Von Zipper relaxed. He then thoughtfully glanced around the tiki hut diner before suggesting, "Hey, if yuh wanna, yuh can work here fawh a while. Got plenty good-payin' stuff for yuh tuh do – busboy, dishwasher, cook, waiter, whatever – and we'll throw in free room and board too fawh as long as yuh want. Whaddaya say, kid?"
Before Xander could answer, his eye was caught by several women now coming out of the restroom together. In the middle of this group was a stunningly beautiful girl his own age sending towards her rescuer a dazzling smile of gratitude.
Seated in the diner booth, Xander Harris felt as if he'd just been struck by the biggest lightning bolt ever.
In his dazed mood, Xander barely heard from an approving father sending an elated wink across the room towards his equally favorable spouse, "Som'ting else, kid…maybe yuh might pass on gettin' a car. A motorcycle's a whole lot cheaper, yuh gotta agree, huh?"
Three months later:
On Orientation Day at UC Sunnydale, Buffy Summers and Willow Rosenberg were pouring over the choice of college courses in this year's catalog at one of the outdoor tables of the Student Café.
Willow noted with satisfaction the classes she'd be taking with Buffy, only for an abrupt pang to appear in her heart at the realization that unlike in high school, the third of their formerly tight group wouldn't be with them this year at a new school. She looked over at where the Slayer was considering psychology courses and their instructors.
"Have you heard from Xander lately?"
Buffy stopped underlining with a pencil the name of Margaret Walsh, Ph.D. to look up with a faint frown on her pretty face. "Not for a while, come to think of it. He was still working at that Oxford diner, right?"
"Oxnard," Willow absently corrected. She frowned herself. "I remember now my own last postcard was…two weeks ago? It was mostly the same as the others: having a good time, hope to see you again, that kind of thing."
Buffy sighed at seeing Willow's unhappy face. "Wils, you have to get over this. Xander's better off being away from the Hellmouth, even if he never comes back. He should have the chance for a completely ordinary life without vamps and demons. Especially all those demon women who wanted to eat or mate with him—"
"What?" Willow prompted when Buffy abruptly ended that sentence to tilt her head in mild puzzlement.
"Over there," Buffy pointed at the quad parking lot and the road leading from this area to Sunnydale proper curving around the low hills colored deep brown after a dry summer. "I just heard that."
With her own unenhanced hearing, Willow now listened to what had just caught Buffy's attention. It was a deep rumble of many engines approaching along the campus road. Glancing around, the girls saw that everyone else there in sight also had their notice captured by the noise growing louder and louder by the second. They all stared transfixed at whatever was out there and coming nearer at every moment.
From the last curve of the road before coming into view, about two dozen motorcycles appeared in a dense convoy. At the very forefront of the band of riders were a man in black leathers and full helmet in a midnight hue upon his mighty iron steed and a woman seated in the attached sidecar.
Her helmet was bright pink.
The motorcycle convoy turned off the road into the quad parking lot. Instead of stopping in the various parking spaces, every motorcycle followed their leader up to the edge of the lot in front of where Buffy, Willow, and the other spectators were gawking at this sudden exceptional intrusion into a previously normal day.
Just before he seemed about to drive right onto the quad, the leader halted his ride with a squeal of brakes. This quick stop was matched perfectly by all of the other motorcycles, who waited there with their engines giving off continuous throaty growls.
Knowing everybody was watching him, the biker gang leader swung down his motorcycle kickstand to next stand up on the asphalt. Remaining there in a truly dignified posture, that man then did a quick gesture of absolute command, throwing apart his hands in a clear order.
With expert synchronicity, more than two dozen engine keys were twisted to turn off their motors. Silence descended throughout the college campus.
The fascinated crowd growing larger by the second next watched the leader get off his ride and remove his helmet to present to all there an elderly man's wrinkled face who yet bore there a definitely disreputable message of "mess with me and I'll still seriously kick your ass."
Holding his helmet under one arm, the man assisted his passenger out of her sidecar. There on the parking lot, this obvious woman took off her own helmet to show a much nicer personality than her driver. Shaking loose her hair, the woman the same age as the man then unzipped the front of her leathers to reveal under there a cotton top with cleavage which went on for days.
On the outskirts of the crowd he was joining to see what was going on, one of this year's freshmen walked full-tilt into a campus eucalyptus tree at observing that.
Just behind their leaders, another man and woman in their own dual cycle/sidecar also disembarked. Though, unlike the first two standing there and watching with smiles, this new pair still wearing their helmets and holding together gloved hands all the while walked towards…Buffy and Willow?
Coming to a halt in front of the confused college students, the Slayer and her friend stared with utter disbelief at the two bikers removing their helmets to reveal none other than Xander Harris and some strange girl possessing major hotness in both her face and body, the latter quite evident from her skin-tight riding leathers.
"Hey, guys," Xander grinned at his dumbfounded bestest buds knowing he'd soon pay for this. But until then…
Xander lifted the girl's hand he was holding to his lips, kissing her fingers. He then told an astonished Buffy and Willow, "Meet my fiancée Francine."
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters and those characters appearing in the AIP films Beach Party, Bikini Beach, Pajama Party, Beach Blanket Bingo, How to Stuff a Wild Bikini, and The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini are the property of their rightful owners.