"C'mon, say it!"
"Why? You're gonna bust my balls about it forever with the rest of the Scoobies anyway, aren't you?"
"Damn straight. It still don't count 'til ya come out and fuckin' admit it, Xan!"
"Fine! So what if I didn't do it on purpose, picking the wrong tunnel for us when we outran those Paris demons in the catacombs here after bumping off their chieftain with extreme prejudice and looting his magic sparklers along the way! Faith Lehane just has to hear it out loud! Okay, then, here goes: we're totally lost and it's all my fault. Happy now?"
"Huh-huh-huh-huh—"
"…do you really have to do the neener-neener dance, too?"
"Whaddaya think?"
"Way to act your age, Faith. Now, can we get back to looking for a way out? One that isn't filled with a few hundred demons thirsting for our spleens on toast?"
"Like I said before, there might be a li'l problem with that."
"Are you sure? I didn't feel anything."
"Positive. I been through enough portals to know when we accidentally went somewheres 'side under Notre Dame after duckin' into your stupid tunnel."
"Will you knock it off already? I couldn't even see far enough ahead in the dark to notice how it changed in a single step from stone walls to a cave path! Besides, it's not like you were particularly paying attention either, what with nuzzling the bling bag the whole time and planning to buy every pair of leather pants in the whole country!"
"Hey, at least they're damn useful insteada B's shoe fetish— Hold it."
"What?"
"I heard somethin' down there."
"Oh, crap. Our fanged friends?"
"Nah, not unless they spent the last coupla minutes suckin' helium."
"Huh?"
"It sounds more like…kids' voices. Can't make out the words 'xactly, but whoever they are, there's a buncha junior high rugrats arguin' with each other."
"Weird. Maybe we're closer to the catacombs than I thought, and you're hearing a school field trip."
"What, tourin' the biggest underground cemetery in the world with alla them skeletons neatly arranged from the floor to the ceilin'?"
"This is the place where the Grand Guignol theater started, Faith. How far away do they sound?"
"Umm… 'Bout a hundred yards, maybe. Not more'n that."
"Let's check it out. We might be able to sneak in the tour and leave with them. If anyone notices us, just tell them we got separated from our own tour."
"Gotcha. Lemme go first, just in case, an' keep our lips zipped on the way 'til we know the score."
"Fair enough. Stop and give me a wave when you spot them so I can peek over your shoulder."
"Sounds like a plan, Xan. Let's do it."
"What. The. Hell."
"Yeah, that waterfall goes perfectly with the goddamn pirate ship down there. Xan, I gotta feelin' we're not in fuckin' Kansas any more."
"More like Oregon, Faith. Damn, but it looks even better in real life than in the movie!"
"You mean you know where we are now?"
"Absolutely! Wait…are you telling me you don't?"
"Am I laughin'? Am I? Spit it out, dammit!"
"Oookay…movie night this weekend, you and me. We're in The Goonies, Faith."
"Never heard of that flick. Oh, don't pull your best 'I can't believe this girl' face at me, ya bastard."
"Sorry, but I thought everyone… Um, short version: a bunch of kids in Astoria, Oregon, learn their neighborhood might be demolished to make room for a golf course unless they find the money to stop this. They find a treasure map for a famous pirate's hidden plunder, and go looking for it. A family of crooks learns about this and the chase is on. It winds up with all of them here at the ship— Oh, NO!"
"What's got yer panties in a bunch?"
"Give me the bag we took off the demon boss!"
"Why?"
"Faith!"
"Okay, okay, here."
"I can't believe this…"
"Yeah, them jewels are damn fine. Xan? Yo, Xander, I don't like the way you're starin' at me—"
"We're going to have to switch them. Faith, in about a minute or two, there's going to be one kid in particular on the ship. He'll look like a younger version of Sam the hobbit in The Lord of the Rings series. Sneak up on him without anybody seeing you and make the swap just as discreetly with the stuff in the marble bag he's carrying. Then, we'll head down the cave on our way back to Paris."
"Over my dead body."
"Hey, you're the Slayer with all the smooth moves—"
"FUCK THAT! Why the hell do I haveta give up alla this sweet ice in the first fuckin' place?!"
"It has to be done. I had the oddest feeling when I saw those priceless gems after we grabbed them, that they somehow felt familiar. Now I know, because they're the very ones shown in the movie at the end when they'll be used to save the kids' homes from being torn down."
"Like I care. You want me to do the big swap, yer gonna need one major incentive…an' I know just the perfect thing."
"Oh, boy. Okay, what'll it take?"
"Five minutes."
"Five minutes? Of what? I thought that every woman in bed wants it to take longer than that—"
"Kinda full of yerself, boytoy? No, what I meant was at the next Scooby Gang reunion, yer get up at the dinner table and spend every second of that time praisin' Angel to the skies in front of ever'body. Alla the good things he done, ya mention 'em, along with apologizing for each and every time ya called him names."
"Nnnnngggghhhh."
"So, what's it gonna be? Ya promise to man up 'bout it and do the deed, and I'll make the switcheroo. If not, then to hell with ya. Plus, them kids and their families, they'll be out on the street, livin' in cardboard boxes. Me, though, I'll be drinkin' champagne—"
"All right, all right! Whatever you say! Just one thing, though…"
"What?"
"I hate you."
"Uh-huh. It better be a damn good movie after alla this, and yer bringin' over the popcorn. No cheap stuff, ya hear? An' I want real butter, too."
Author's Note: Inspired by a recent article in Cracked dot com about how the jewels presented on-screen at the film's ending would probably in real life have been ordinary colored glass beads and completely worthless. Though, the movieverse has a much happier ending due to a very grouchy Faith afterwards.