April 27th, 1977: Marlene McKinnon

(sixth year)

Marlene is stunned one day in April when she opens the dormitory door to find—Emmeline. She's bent over her trunk rummaging for something, and when she hears the door close, she whirls around to face Marlene. She looks anxious. Marlene only Flooed her once or twice when she was at St. Mungo's, and Em looks so much worse now than she did when Marlene last saw her. They let her out like this? is her first thought, and she immediately feels horrible for thinking it.

"Em? Em!" she exclaims, and Emmeline looks so lost standing there in the middle of the floor that Marlene goes to wrap her in a hug, if only to wipe that distraught look that mirrors how Marlene feels off of Emmeline's face. "I can't believe you're here—I had no idea you were getting out today—"

"Neither did I, until today," says Em. "My sister works at the Ministry, and she pulled some strings to get me released. Remind me to never try and fail to kill myself ever again. Lord, that place was awful."

"Never try to kill yourself again, period," Marlene says, releasing Emmeline. "What was it really like in there? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not yet," says Em, shaking her head. "One of these days I'll talk about it, but I just want to enjoy being out and seeing everybody. And not just Peter, you know? All of you were around for me while I was in there, and I want to make it right with everyone."

"That's great, Em. Seriously, I'm glad you're out and you're feeling—up to putting yourself back out there, and…"

"Thanks," mumbles Emmeline. "Listen, about Sirius, I wanted to just—apologize. I sort of… nothing happened, but I sort of wanted at one point earlier this year to pick up where we left off in fourth year, and he turned me down because he was with you, but I shouldn't have even—and I want you to know it's not like that anymore. I don't want that from him, and I don't want you to think when I spend time with him that I'm…"

Marlene wants to interrupt, but she lets Emmeline ramble on because she hasn't really got any idea what to say. When was Em ever involved in that way with Sirius, and since when did she try to make a move on Sirius this year? Her whole body feels like it's flushing hot. "You had a thing for Sirius?"

"I—yeah. We almost got together in fourth year, but then his cousin killed my parents and, well, you know how that ended."

"His—his cousin killed your parents?"

"Yeah, I mean, that's why I cut him off. He didn't tell you any of this? I mean, I know he didn't know my parents are dead until this year, but I thought you'd have been the first person he told when he found out."

Marlene's damn head won't stop spinning. For some reason, one of Sirius's cousins murdered Emmeline's parents. Em and Sirius almost got together.

"Back up," says Marlene, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice—trying to act like all this is normal. "Can you just… your parents are dead?"

"It was in fourth year," Emmeline says next, her voice wavering. "Remember when Sirius found out his cousin Bellatrix and her husband were finally welcomed into You-Know-Who's innermost circle?" She does, but she doesn't understand what that has to do with— "Do you still remember the Ministry owl I got two days later?"

She doesn't, at first, but when she does, she's horrified. "We didn't recognize it for what it was," Marlene breathes. "You-Know-Who didn't really get started until this past year; it was mostly limited to just Muggle disappearances we'd read about in the Prophet back then… not enough students' families were getting hurt back then to know a Ministry owl when you saw one."

Em nods. "You must know the rumors… how You-Know-Who's followers are supposedly inducted into his top ranks with a murder mission of a wizarding family of their choosing. I'd been to Sirius's parents' house the summer after first year; he'd told me how badly he needed the company, and he must have thought that it wouldn't put me in any danger because I'm half-blood. But the way his family must see it, one of my parents was a Mudblood, and the other was a blood traitor. Peter and James and Remus knew enough to stay well away from his family, but I didn't. Bellatrix probably assumed I was the closest person to him, and even though he was still living at home back then, they'd already made up their minds that he was scum; even I could see that. So when Bellatrix had the opportunity to kill anyone she liked…"

"And you didn't think any of us would want to know that your parents were dead? Emmeline…"

"I was angry," says Em, shaking her head. "I thought it was Sirius's fault, and I knew you'd all stand by him if I confronted you about him, and I didn't want to talk about it to people who weren't going to take my side. And then he started hooking up with you, and I was even angrier that he could just forget about me like we'd never even happened, and… well, you know what happened next."

Marlene is reeling.

From the sounds of it, Emmeline abandoning their relationship was the primary reason that Sirius started sleeping with Marlene in the first place. Sirius hid what happened with Em for years, and he wasn't even the one to finally tell Marlene what happened. Not only that—Marlene's also found out that the only reason Sirius first approached her was as a rebound from Em.

She feels a sudden wave of nausea and a strong urge to find Sirius and—do what? She already knows that she doesn't know how to stay away from him—she proved that when she agreed to date him for real on Christmas. But Marlene can't just stand here stewing in the knowledge of everything Sirius did to her and not—find some kind of outlet. She can't talk to Em about it; Emmeline is the whole problem. Well, that's not fair to Em: Sirius is the one whose actions are hurting Marlene, not Em. But Emmeline is certainly too close to the problem for Marlene to feel comfortable confiding in her.

She doesn't want to be up here with Emmeline any longer, but she doesn't want to go down to the common room and have to pretend to act normal for a single damn minute. She needs someone, and she needs them now.

"Can you send Lily up here, please?" she says as steadily as she can manage to Emmeline.

"Marlene—"

"Just find Lily downstairs and tell her to come up here," says Marlene again.

Emmeline nods and closes her trunk with her foot and walks away, out of the dormitory and down the stairs, and Marlene buries her head in her hands.

xx

She knows she needs to talk to Sirius, but she's also pretty sure that the conversation she has to have with them is going to end up in a breakup, so she just—puts it off. It's easy to do, at least at first, because they already have planned a meeting with their new recruits: Edgar Bones, Benjy Fenwick, Frank Longbottom, Gideon and Fabian Prewett, Elisabeth Clearwater, and Mildred LeProut. Marlene doesn't think much is going to be accomplished, besides clueing the newbies into their still-in-the-works strategy and encouraging them to get the word out to anyone who might be sympathetic, but then Dorcas Meadowes drops the bombshell that she's gotten word of a Death Eater gathering slated to happen next Friday night, in six days' time.

"You're lying," says Gideon immediately, crossing his arms and sneering. "She's lying."

"Look," says Meadowes with an air of impatience, "I overheard Regulus Black telling Raleigh Greengrass about it in our common room. We have no other real leads yet. If that isn't good enough for you, that's your problem, but I say we plan an ambush like we've been talking about."

"She can't be trusted! Obviously this is some kind of trap!"

"We know Regulus is a Death Eater, so if she isn't lying, the intel is probably legit," says Peter slowly with a frown. "And why would she lie and send us off to some gathering that doesn't exist? Isn't cornering a gang of Death Eaters exactly what we wanted?"

"It's not if she warns them we're coming," Gideon says, scowling. "Who's to say we don't show up there, lose the element of surprise, and get ourselves all blasted to bits?"

"And why the hell would she do that, huh?" says Fabian immediately, rounding on his brother. "Considering the parentage she comes from, Dorcas is considered a bigger blood traitor than almost any other pureblood in this room, and it doesn't mean shit that just because she's a Slytherin—"

Gideon snaps, "Just because she's a Slytherin means she could get us all killed if her loyalties sway back toward her family and her House!"

But before he can say any more, Lily shouts, "Hey!" and all eyes flick to where she's sitting cross-legged on top of one of the two-seater desks in the empty classroom they've snagged for the meeting. She clears her throat. "Meadowes has never once been seen to say or do anything to suggest that her loyalties are anywhere but with the resistance. I believe her. If you don't, and you want out of this mission before it goes any further, this is your chance to walk away."

Everyone stays where they are, even Gideon, who's scowling even deeper at Fabian and Dorcas.

"For that matter," speaks up James, "anyone who doesn't feel comfortable with making an attack against a Death Eater gathering is welcome to leave as well and only come back for the outreach parts of what we do. This is dangerous stuff. We're talking about making a real, live attack against sworn supporters of Voldemort who will not hesitate to torture and kill you if they get the jump on you. We owe it to you to be upfront about what your expectations should be and what the risks are."

Again, no one leaves. Millie LeProut fidgets a little where she's slung over a desk in the corner but doesn't get up.

"Right, then. Meadowes, take it away."

xx

It doesn't take long for Sirius to figure out that Marlene is avoiding him. How could it? They exist in a group of nine people who normally do everything together, and the two of them never go even a full day without spending at least a few hours in each other's company.

It's stupid because everything that happened between Sirius and Emmeline is long in the past—was over before anything between Sirius and Marlene even began. A part of her feels like she's a melodramatic, self-absorbed moron for making such a big deal out of something that, frankly, doesn't involve her. But it does involve her. Sirius has been dishonest with her all along about his intentions when he started this thing between the two of them, and it may have happened two years ago, but for her, it's happening now. It's happening now, and after everything she and Sirius have been through, she thinks she might be at her breaking point.

No: Marlene knows she's at her breaking point. But the longer she avoids confronting Sirius, the longer she can pretend like she's not about to lose the person she doesn't know how to live, to function, without.

So she avoids it. She avoids it for three days, and she spends the fourth day trying to dodge his attempts to get her alone and talk about what's wrong. It's not until the day before the scheduled Death Eater raid that he finally manages to confront her.

Clearly, Sirius hasn't got a clue what's wrong between the two of them. At least Emmeline can say that for herself, Marlene thinks—that she hasn't obliterated Marlene's privacy by going to Sirius about this behind Marlene's back. "You're obviously upset with me," says Sirius, sitting there on his bed and wringing his hands together in his lap, "so will you just tell me what I've done so that I can fix it? I don't understand, Marlene. Things between us were going so well, and…"

"Were they, though?" snaps Marlene. She sounds angry. That's good: better for Sirius to think she's just angry than to know how thoroughly he's torn her apart. "Were they really going well when you've been lying to me about why we're together this whole time?"

Sirius's forehead crinkles. "When did I lie to you? I meant what I said over Christmas when I told you—"

"Yeah, you meant what you said then, but I had quite the interesting conversation with Emmeline this week about what exactly motivated you to start sleeping with me in fourth year—or what you failed to tell me in November about her revealing what she revealed to you."

All the color drains out of Sirius's face. "That wasn't my secret to tell. If she wasn't ready for anyone else to know about her parents—"

"I'm not talking about her parents. I'm talking about you lying about being in a relationship with her and using me as your—as your—"

Sirius reaches for her, but Marlene shoves his hand away and twists to face away from him, willing the tears not to come. It doesn't work.

"Marlene," says Sirius quietly, "I'm really sorry you had to find out like this, but I swear, it isn't—you're not my replacement for her or anybody. Em and I weren't even in a relationship, not really. I mean, we kissed a few times, but we weren't—she wasn't my—"

"Save it," says Marlene. "Just—save your breath. It's over. I can't…"

A sob threatens to choke its way out of her throat. She manages to suppress it, barely.

Little red lines of frustration are starting to emanate from Sirius's body next to her. "Doesn't anything we've been through in the past few years matter to you? If you're really about to let your pride put an end to—"

"My pride? You think this is about my pride?"

Here's the thing: she's pretty sure it is about her pride, but Sirius doesn't understand—nobody understands what it's like to sacrifice yourself so completely to someone who doesn't give you anything back, and Marlene doesn't care how many months Sirius has been trying to give back because it's not enough. Nothing is ever going to be enough to overwrite how degraded he makes her feel—no, how degraded she makes herself feel.

"Look," says Sirius, sounding desperate. "I know I was wrong about too many things, okay? I know that. But I didn't do any of this because I was being a dick who didn't care about you. I know I shouldn't have slept with you in that library—I know—but I was a wreck, and I was trying to regain control over my life, and the whole reason it took me so long to commit to you was because I knew you deserved better than me. Even when I knew I was in love with you, I didn't think it was fair to you—"

"You're right," Marlene cuts him off. "It wasn't fair to me."

She manages to hold it in until she hightails it out of the boys' dormitory—but it's close.

xx

Marlene's not going to lie: she's nervous, very nervous, about the upcoming face-off at the Death Eaters' meeting.

They meet the night before to go over the plan again. Dorcas has the time and place—just after dusk in a particular clearing in the Scottish countryside, near a graveyard—and they'll arrive there at least an hour in advance, to be sure that none of the Death Eaters hear the cracks of their Apparition. They've decided that it will be best to pick off Voldemort's followers one by one as they arrive, rather than waiting for the entire group to congregate before attacking: they may lose scare value and impact that way, but it'll be safer, given that they are underage wizards and will be up against enemies who may not hesitate to attempt the use of Unforgivable Curses against them. The plan is to Stun the Death Eaters, Apparate with them to the Ministry, and use the store of Veritaserum that Lily stole from Professor Slughorn the night before to ensure their confessions.

"And Regulus said that it's a meeting for new recruits?"

"Primarily. We're expecting school-aged wizards, maybe some who are a few years out of Hogwarts," says Dorcas, pinning back her hair and speaking calmly and confidently. "So they probably won't be any more battle-trained than we are, but they're also probably willing to at least attempt use of the Unforgivable Curses, considering who they're followers of, so we need to be on our guard."

"I still don't like this," says Gideon, glaring at Dorcas.

"Yeah, well, you don't have to. Like Potter said, you're welcome to leave."

Personally, Marlene feels like they lucked out, getting Dorcas on board with their movement. They were doing well at educating the student body on their own, but it wasn't until Dorcas joined up that they really had a purpose or a direction, and it's because of her intel that they have plans for a first mission at all. Gideon may not trust her, but Marlene can't bring herself to believe that Dorcas is leading them on.

Marlene just hopes that their plan is sound enough that they aren't walking into something that's going to get them killed.

xx

She knows it's a no-go from the instant that they Apparate into the clearing. She barely has a second to process the swarm of tall, hooded figures encircling them before jets of light begin flying through the air, her friends' figures starting to crumple to the ground one by one. "Marlene," says Lily frantically—still only sixteen, Marlene had Side-Along-Apparated here with her—and Lily tugs on Marlene's sleeve. "Marlene, we have to go now, it was a trap—"

"We can't just leave them lying here!" she cries in horror, rushing forward to check the pulse of a collapsed Peter. Please just be Stunned, please just be Stunned…

Dorcas is still on her feet and flinging curses at whomever she can reach; Marlene watches two Death Eaters go down at Dorcas's hand, and she knows right then that Dorcas didn't lead them into this trap intentionally. Lily seizes Marlene's arm in one of her hands and Eddie Bones's shoulder in the other and Disapparates on the spot—or at least tries to. Marlene can see one of his calves still on the ground, gushing blood from where it's been severed from the rest of his body.

"Oh, no," she mumbles to herself. "Oh, no…"

Just then, she sees a jet of green light heading for her and narrowly dodges it, flinging a Stunner in the direction from whence it came. Lily Disapparates them properly this time, and they reappear in the woods outside the circle of Death Eaters; a few of the nearest ones turn and start hurling spells her way, but Marlene ducks behind a tree and shoots Stunners from around it until the screams of Avada Kedavra pointed toward her stop. Ducking out from behind the cover of the tree, she tries to take stock of who's left in the clearing. A few others seem to have followed Lily's attempted example and Disapparated away with fallen bodies in their hands; a few bodies are still on the ground, a few others under cover of the woods like Marlene, Lily, and Eddie; only Dorcas, James, and Millie are still fighting from the center of the clearing, and then—

"NO!" she screams as a jet of green light flies out and hits Millie square in the chest. She seems to hang there in ethereal balance for a moment before crumpling entirely to the ground, her short hair plastered to her rat-like face. The scream has drawn Death Eater attention onto Marlene, but she doesn't care; she doesn't care; a girl is dead because of them, and…

She runs back toward the center of the clearing, counting bodies: there are only four more on the ground, and it's no good; Lily was right; Disapparating away seems to be their only viable option. Marlene seizes Lily's hand and Eddie's disembodied leg and allows Lily to turn on the spot into the compressing darkness, praying, praying…

They all wind up in the Hospital Wing, Marlene carrying Eddie's missing leg with undisguised horror, where Madam Pomfrey un-Splinches Eddie amidst the chaos of checking who's been Stunned, who's in a Full-Body Bind, and who's been—been killed. The death toll is at two: Mildred LeProut and Elisabeth Clearwater. Benjy Fenwick, Liz's boyfriend, is crying silently over her body, while Marlene just closes her eyes and holds Millie's cold hands. In retrospect, they're damn lucky that more of them didn't die.

Of course it was a trap. Of course it was. Regulus Black wouldn't go around talking about his Death Eater plans where anyone could overhear him, even if he did feel relatively safe in a common room full of Slytherins; he must have purposely passed information along in earshot of Dorcas, knowing that she would bring it back to the resistance, knowing that that was his shot to set them up and do some real damage. Marlene doesn't know how Sirius can stand being Regulus's brother.

Marlene feels less ashamed of turning tail and fleeing the scene when it comes out that that's what everyone eventually had to do in order to save themselves—well, in order to save everyone except Liz and Millie. Pomfrey is muttering loudly about foolish teenagers throwing themselves headfirst into a war they aren't ready for as she wakes some of them, counterjinxes others, and insists that still others stay on bed rest and swallow potions for nothing more than shock.

There are fifteen of them in all, not including poor Millie and Liz, and Marlene's never seen the Hospital Wing this full. Some poor bastard is occupying a lone bed in the corner with fur all over his face, and he keeps ogling the group with interest while doing a very poor job of pretending to be sleeping.

Marlene is just watching Madam Pomfrey fuss over a slowly waking Remus when the door swings open and Professor McGonagall pokes her head inside. "Poppy, is everyone more or less settled?"

"More or less," says Pomfrey with a sad glance at Liz's and Millie's bodies, which have been placed on top of beds with the sheets pulled over their heads. "Don't tell me you're insisting on talking to them about what happened now?"

"No: Professor Dumbledore is," says McGonagall, and Marlene and Lily exchange a fleeting, terrified look. "Come along, now, up you all get."

The walk from the Hospital Wing to Dumbledore's office is dead silent, unbroken until McGonagall clearly says, "Fizzing Whizbee," to the statue at the base of the headmaster's tower. She beckons them all up but doesn't follow them inside. Alice, at the front of the group, knocks timidly on the door to the office, and they all shuffle in single file after hearing Dumbledore tell them to enter in a muffled voice.

There aren't nearly enough surfaces for everyone to sit, and it feels weird to plop down on the floor of Dumbledore's office, so they all stand there crowding around each other in the little office, Dumbledore rising to his own feet as well. "My sources received word not long ago," he says slowly, a sad sort of twinkle in his eyes, "that there was an ambush by a number of fully grown Death Eaters against a group of schoolchildren who thought they were going to—what? Scare some sense into a number of school-aged Death Eater sympathizers?"

"Don't call us schoolchildren," says James, and though his voice shakes, he stands quite tall. "Most of us are of age, and all of us are old enough to want to make a difference."

"That's enough, Mister Potter," says Dumbledore, and James rolls his eyes but falls silent. "Miss McKinnon," he says next, to Peter's surprise, and all heads whip to Marlene, who stands there confused but defiant. "Do you remember a conversation we had in my office at the beginning of this school year, when I told you in confidence about a group I had been putting together of witches and wizards resistant to Voldemort's regime—a group that I invited you to join only after you completed your schooling?"

Marlene nods; there's a certain set to her jaw. "We weren't prepared to wait," she says simply.

"And now two of your classmates are dead," finishes Dumbledore wearily. Marlene hangs her head. "In retrospect, I suppose it was foolish of me to expect you all to wait. These are rash times, and Voldemort certainly will not wait to kill you and your families—hasn't waited, already, for some of you."

"Please, sir," says Dorcas, "don't blame them: blame me. It was my strategy and my information that got Elisabeth and Mildred killed tonight."

"Noble as it is of you to accept responsibility, Miss Meadowes, I'm not interested in placing blame tonight. You all know what you've done—whom you've lost—and I trust that all of you will proceed with caution in your actions against the Death Eaters, all the more so if you plan to join me."

They exchange bewildered looks. Is Dumbledore—? Surely he can't be…

"You're inviting us to join your group?" says Marlene frankly.

"I'm sure my fighters would be happy to join forces with the—what is it you're calling yourselves? The Order of the Phoenix—if you agree to defer to our judgment and not jump into any more situations you're not prepared for," says Dumbledore. He's still smiling, but to Marlene, he looks incredibly sad.

"I'm out," says a voice somewhere behind Marlene, and she turns to find Mary looking at the ground and blushing scarlet. "I just… what are we doing? Tonight proved that we're in over our heads with this. I'm not a fighter; I'm barely passing Defense as it is. I'd just be liable to get more of us killed."

"That's certainly within your choice, Miss Macdonald, and it takes a special kind of bravery to know when to recuse oneself from a high-stakes situation. You may go."

She nods and departs from the office; Marlene can hear her footsteps flying back down the stairs as she descends them.

"For the rest of you," Dumbledore continues when no one else speaks, "let's begin."

xx

The last two Quidditch matches of the season are canceled, as is the House Cup, out of respect to Elisabeth and Millie. The last few weeks of term pass in a blur to Marlene, and it's hard to believe that she has final exams coming up, that not the whole world has stopped spinning in the wake of this tragedy that is all their fault.

Rumors are flying about what killed the two girls. Everyone seems agreed that Death Eaters did it—Dumbledore, in fact, announces at dinner the next day that they died at the hands of Death Eaters in a tragic confrontation in which they fought bravely—but no one seems to be able to agree on exactly how the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, both from entirely different social ranks, ended up in the same place as a gang of Death Eaters and fifteen other students, mostly those arrogant Gryffindor sixth years. Marlene doesn't care, lets them talk: no amount of gossip will bring back the dead, and she's not interested in spinning the story to make herself look like anything but the idiot that she is for having thought she could take on Death Eaters and come out on top without any broader sense of organization.

The nine of them start doing everything together—Marlene means everything—because it's easier to face the brunt of the gossip, to grieve, as a unit. Marlene even stops bothering to avoid Sirius, telling herself she'll be fine if he doesn't try to talk to her directly—and he doesn't. They don't even make eye contact.

The constant togetherness makes it hard to catch any one of the Gryffindors alone for a private conversation. In fact, it's a full week and a half before Mary manages to get Marlene alone, even though Marlene gets the impression Mary's wanted to do so for quite some time.

"It's my fault Millie is dead," she tells Mary. They're alone in the dormitory, but her voice is scarcely above a whisper. "She was my friend, and I dragged her into this mess, and—"

"She made her own choices, Lene," says Mary gently. "If we had known…"

"Do you regret it? Being a part of—what we were a part of?"

Mary doesn't answer for a long moment. "Do you regret staying?" she finally asks.

Marlene doesn't know.

She's pretty sure Mary wants to tell her something—why else would she have taken Marlene aside, away from the others?—but it's a full ten more minutes of them sitting there staring at their textbooks without reading them before Mary speaks again. "I'm not in love with him."

"What?"

"Reg. I care about him, and I want him to be happy, but I'm not in love with him."

Marlene frowns. This isn't what she was expecting Mary to raise. "That's—but you're dating him. He's been your boyfriend all year."

"I mean, I'm never going to do any better than him. I knew that as soon as we started dating—he's the sweetest, most thoughtful, kindest person who might ever love me enough to spend the rest of their life with me, if he does end up wanting that, and I should feel lucky to have him. But he's not the person I want to spend my life with."

"But—you say that like there's someone else you do want to spend your life with."

Mary screws up her face like it's taking her an enormous amount of courage to say anything she's saying. "Can't you see it? After all this time?"

Marlene's brain is whirring. "But you're not—not with Sirius or any of the boys. Are you?"

"It's you, Lene. I'm in love with you."

Totally dumbstruck, Marlene doesn't answer. Her mouth has fallen open into an O shape, and she sits there with her wand dangling from her fingers just staring at Mary like she's just opened up a whole new planet, and she may as well have, shedding this secret she's been carrying for—how long, anyway? For how much of their friendship has Mary been hiding this?

"You don't have to say it back. I don't expect you to ever say it back. I wasn't even going to tell you, but, well, I guess I didn't want to have to carry it around any longer."

"Does it feel better? Not carrying it?"

Mary thinks for a second. "No," she says, "but it doesn't feel any worse, either. You see my dilemma, why I can't be friends with you and Lily together."

"But why would you be jealous of Lily? Why not be jealous of Sirius? All that time we were together, and even now I'm always still talking about him, and you…"

She shrugs. "What you and Sirius had was always out of reach. At least the kind of relationship you have with Lily used to be attainable."

"I—I'm sorry. I had no idea. You… I'm just really sorry."

"Don't be," Mary tells her. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I did do something wrong. I should have tried harder to balance my friendships with you and with Lily."

"Yeah, but you didn't… you don't owe me that kind of love. I don't want to make you feel like I think you owe me that."

"Okay," says Marlene.

Somewhere, Marlene's sure, there's a correct response to what Mary's just told her—but she doesn't have the first clue where to look for it. She swallows.

xx

"It should have been me," says Emmeline. "Not Elisabeth, not Millie—me. Madam Pomfrey—hell, all of you—went out of your way to save me, and I've been ungrateful enough all this time to wish you hadn't bothered, and then they died when they didn't deserve to, when they didn't want to, and…"

They're sitting in the grass underneath the big beech tree after finishing their last final exam of the year (Defense Against the Dark Arts). Em's confession is the first thing any of them has said since they came out here. It's been a lot like that lately: they seem to have transcended the need for many words.

Peter, who's sitting beside her, loops an arm around her waist and scrunches down so he can lay his head on her shoulder. Emmeline tips her own head against Peter's and closes her eyes.

"You can't think like that, Em," says Alice quietly. "You can't trade your life for theirs. It's not like they would have lived if you'd… er… succeeded."

"Al is right," adds Lily. "The only thing you could do is take yourself away from us on top of them, and—and none of us wants to see that happen."

If Millie hadn't died, Marlene doesn't think she could have understood where Emmeline's coming from—but Millie did die, and Marlene can almost, almost relate. It's not that Marlene doesn't want to live: she does. But between Sirius and Doc and Millie and the overpowering guilt towering over her every day—for her to have to live like this when Millie might have been happy, were she still here—

Was Millie happy? She never voiced complaint for her lot in life, but Marlene always got the impression that she was mercilessly bullied by her peers. Of course, on the other hand, for Millie to have died before she had a chance to live to see life get better—

"You have to try to get better," Marlene tells Emmeline now. "Their stories are over, but yours isn't, and you have to—you have to do it for them. Make it mean something that you're the one who's still here. Make it worth it."

Marlene's eyes connect with Em's—then, for the first time in days, with Sirius's—and the dull, blunt-edged realization strikes her that she's not talking just about Emmeline.